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Lindsay's Jailhouse Pen Pal, aka Dad
If you're currently an inmate at New York's Collins Correctional Facility please do not print this picture and post it in your cell. Lindsay's pop will be really PO'd. (AFP/Getty Images)
While we were busy paying attention to unimportant twaddle (Screech's sex tape and the musical chair paternity of Anna Nicole's new baby) Michael Lohan -- the imprisoned father of Lindsay -- apparently sent yet another message to daddy's little girl via tabloids.
The fact that he's received no response from previous missives, songs and freakish cartoons must be spurring him to continue these heartfelt parental communiques. His messenger of choice this time was the U.K's Sun newspaper. Perhaps Lloyd Grove finally cut him off.
Why does Michael keep writing his estranged daughter and in such public fora? A de-coded version of his Sun letter is appended below:
It pains me to have to write to you like this, but it's evident that my letters never reach you. My messages never get to you and "people" continue to build walls between us.
By "people" I mean prison guards, the laws I broke and your uncle, who left me no choice but to beat him -- severely -- about the head with a shoe.
I can't even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for causing you (and our family) the heartache and embarrassment I have.
Because I'm going to need a little cash when I'm released. Hey, look, I even got the guys here to stop fantasizing about you. Why? Because daddy cares.
I hold you absolutely blameless for all that's been said and portrayed, as I know it has been under the advice of others, to sway both the courts and public opinion. I also know the pain that comes with love, especially when two hearts and lives are divided. Sometimes we run -- we seek to hide or just escape from the pain.
Just so you hear it from me before anyone else, I too tried to run to escape from the pain and, in my case, I ran straight into the arms of your "Herbie: Fully Loaded" stunt double and slept with her. Don't be freaked out by this. I realized it wasn't you!
In the meantime, people are either whispering in our ear, giving self-serving advice, or out to protect their own interests.
The only person whispering in my ear is the big guy and he says to welcome back your old man with open arms. Maybe stop partying so much. Don't want to damage the goods beyond repair. We can milk this thing for another few years if you're careful. No more broken wrists, okay?
Unfortunately sweetheart, while you are so talented and blessed you have become their interest! As I told you all along, this would happen. You are an amazingly blessed, talented, intelligent and loving person. Use it to do good! To set an example by putting God and his principles first. Your love for life and people is a gift.
You have a big bank account and god wants you to share it with me. Calling you smart and pretty works every time. Do not succumb to your mom the dark side.
I trust you, I believe in you and I will love and protect you until my dying breath, and if that's what it takes, so be it!
If you don't keep dad in cars and Rolexes, you'll kill me.
Please know how much I miss all of you. Stay strong my Angel! God bless you and stay strong!
Oh, and please stop with the leggings already. Trust me on this one.
By Liz |
September 28, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
| Category:
Celebrities
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Posted by: DJ | September 28, 2006 11:54 AM
Whoever wrote this garbage should be ashamed that they are so cynical.
Posted by: Bob | September 28, 2006 12:33 PM
I ache for her - my father is like this too. Sappy and emotional and f-ed up - but its all a game, all a ruse, all an angle. I know her pain. I realize that people who DON'T have parents like this are apt to fall for his bull - but I can tell you in all sincerity - he's dangerous.
Posted by: Alison | September 28, 2006 12:43 PM
"Whoever wrote this garbage should be ashamed that they are so cynical."
Ummm, it clearly states who posted the material.
Posted by: Jack Sprat | September 28, 2006 1:31 PM
I feel bad for Lindsay. I have a dad just like this who writes wacko letters. Lindsay needs to stay away from him. I hope he stays in prison for a long time!
Posted by: Marie | September 28, 2006 1:50 PM
Lindsay and her mother claim they want all the publicity surrounding this situation to go away. Here is an idea~ STOP putting the intricacies of your estranged relationships in the media arena.
Posted by: Kim | September 28, 2006 2:34 PM
That bit about Lindsey's stunt double--EWWW. It's like an ancient Greek tragedy come to life, except also disgusting. Poor Lindsey.... With a dad like that she never had a chance.
Posted by: anon | September 28, 2006 3:14 PM
The thing that's upsetting me about this is the phrase "Screech's Sex Tape."
What do the Lerners think about this?
Posted by: Max | September 28, 2006 4:56 PM
You've got to admit, girls who come from broken homes are hot. They usually take the occupations that guys like.
Posted by: Bunkley | September 29, 2006 11:34 AM
The comments to this entry are closed.
I mean, obviously, this guy is a whack job and I don't think anyone is concerned whether Lindsay's dad is frequently being made someone's "friend" in prison, but isn't it disconcerting to realize that Lindsay has 3 siblings and their dad has never once addressed them? Obviously that won't get him in the papers, but still...