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Celebritology Clip 'n' Save: My Name Is Lindsay Lohan, and I am a(n)...
Lindsay Lohan recently shared a few naive quaint innocent aspirations with InStyle magazine: "I want to get married before I'm 30. And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I'd like to win an Oscar before then," said the 20-year-old. (People.com)
In the interest of helping Lindsay achieve one, if not all, of these goals, Celebritology offers a handy 12-step tip sheet (below) that Lindsay can print out, laminate and carry in her purse at all times -- next to the subpoenas.
About that stylist... (AP)
A Few Quick Tips for Hollywood's Teetering-est Celebutante:
1. Go to college. (See Foster, Jodie; Danes, Claire; Portman, Natalie; Stiles, Julia -- i.e., women with careers beyond Page Six who never show up on TMZ.com) The experience will be invaluable, and it will give the Olsen twins one less thing to lord over you.
2. This is kind of a duh, but maybe limit partying to three nights a week. You'll find yourself with much more time available for other incidentals like sleeping, eating, showering, working and generally learning about the daylight world.
3. Continually ask yourself: "Is my stylist my friend or my enemy?" Hire and fire accordingly.
4. Avoid pop song tie-ins to movies in which you star. Also, Disney remakes are not usually the quickest path to Oscar nominations. (See "Herbie Fully Loaded" and "First").
5. Chateau Marmont is not a home (unless by "home," you're going for a skanky, debauched, pathetic homeless-little-rich girl vibe).
6. Next year when you turn 21, make sure you don't overindulge in alcoholic beverages. (Wink.)
7. Avoid blanket statments such as "I only work with big-name directors now." This is no way to curry favor with Hollywood's rising class of next-big-things. Remember, today's Jared Hess is tomorrow's Martin Scorsese. One movie with Robert Altman does not give you street cred among the Hollywood aristocracy.
8. Don't refer to U.S. Senators by their first names unless you actually know them.
9. Paris Hilton is not now, and has never been, your friend. Learn it. Live it.
10. See above. Then date people for some reason other than revenge.
11. Kissing some other dude usually is not the way to win back your boyfriend's trust and affection.
12. Mantra: "Tara Reid is not a role model."
Celebritology field agent Lisa Todorovich contributed (a lot) to this piece.
By Liz |
October 18, 2006; 10:43 AM ET
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Celebrities
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Clip N' Saves
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Lindsay Lohan
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Posted by: sasha | October 18, 2006 11:52 AM
GREAT article.
Who ever told Lindsay Lohan that she is a star really fed her fantasy....and it is just that, a total fantasy.
Lindsay...get over yourself!!! You are not that talented.
Posted by: Billybee | October 18, 2006 12:01 PM
Also Emma Thompson went to college, and has two Oscars, but maybe Cambridge is a little beyond Lindsay. Heck, even a junior college night class in welding would probably do her some good.
Posted by: Barb | October 18, 2006 12:04 PM
Lindsey Lohan is needs Ari Gold(from Entourage) as her agent.
Posted by: Lisa | October 18, 2006 12:32 PM
If you keep giving her free good advice, you are going to derail her from her inevitable homemade sex tape. And that will seriously upset me. Please let us enjoy the trainwreck.
Posted by: HS | October 18, 2006 1:52 PM
13. Wear panties. Don't have to be granny style, but if you insist on wearing short dresses/skirts and getting in/out of cars like a trucker, please stop scaring the small children. Also, nobody will buy the sex tape when they can see your cootchie for free online!
Posted by: miss belle | October 18, 2006 1:55 PM
14. go AWAY. for a while. everyone's sick of you. then in a couple of year, ease yourself back into showbiz with a few off-broadway shows, maybe some time in london, anything that might give the appearance of respectability.
Posted by: m | October 18, 2006 2:09 PM
1) Fire your mom as your manager.
2) Hire a real manager(who will tell you the truth about your behavior. It not cool or cute)
3) Tell your mom to act like a MOM!
Posted by: Alicia | October 18, 2006 2:10 PM
Not sure why someone is talking about the Page scandal when there is so much to dish over re: Miss Lohan. Whatever...
I loved the additions to the list. Whoever predicted that a Lohan sex tape is on the way is spot on. Isn't that a requirement to be an 'ingenue' these days? Good God, even Screech has a sex tape...
I didn;t think it was possible, but I am not considering the idea that Lindsay is as overexposed an as much of a waste of oxygen as Paris. Thoughts?
Posted by: Hug It Out! | October 18, 2006 2:24 PM
I disagree with steps 2 and 6. It's quite possible that by visiting the many clubs she can be found at she could run into her future Kevin Federline (actually isn't that how Brit found her man. Didn't they get down on the dance floor and love sprang forth). Also, during one of her many prays to the many porcelain gods she has some random woman could hold her hair back and they can become friends.
Posted by: petal | October 18, 2006 2:32 PM
Jeez Louise. Why do we have to be subjected to the misadventures of these empty headed bimbos. What happened to the stage and screen that brought out Pfeiffer, Sarandon, THE REAL Jessica as in Jessica Lange, Diane Keaton, Streep, Jane Fonda, Jodie Foster, Sissy Spacek, Ellen Barkin, Kim Basinger, Whoopee, Kathleen Turner, and there are many more. Classy, sexy, creative actors who didn't have to have wardrobe malfunctions and bare their buttocks to sell tickets.
What's out there now? A bunch of uneducated, untalented, whiney, bulemic, catty, headline-hunting tw*ts.
Posted by: Mainer | October 18, 2006 5:18 PM
Just for grins I checked room availability at the Chateau Marmont (http://www.chateaumarmont.com/). It appears to be totally booked through March of 2008. Either that or the website is yet another nonworking ornament associated with the hotel.
Posted by: Judge C. Crater | October 18, 2006 5:26 PM
I don't agree with using Claire Danes as an example 1)she dropped out of Yale and 2)she's dating Billy Crudup who dumped Mary Lousie Parker when she was pregnant.
Not so much a good role model.
Posted by: kb | October 18, 2006 5:28 PM
You're all correct. But you're all wrong.
You see, the thing that makes a celebrity popular is the thing that makes them self-destructive.
For example, remember the band "Guns 'n Roses"? They were big big big. At a certain point, they decided the couldn't work with each other. Now this is ridiculous. For that kind of money, I could work with Satan killing kittens with a fork. But the things that made the fans attracted to these guys is the thing that made that popular.
Think of it this way... for Lohan to change would be like saying "You know the sahara desert would be really popular if it wasn't so hot and it was filled with water".
Posted by: Bunkley | October 18, 2006 9:43 PM
Might I add another piece of advice? Give up thinking you can be a rock star...you don't have a decent singing voice and are off tune more than you are on.
Posted by: ckf | October 19, 2006 8:18 AM
Bunkley reminded me something a comedian (I can't remember who, exactly) once said - ten or fifteen years ago - about G'n'R.
He said that they had fired their drummer because of substance abuse problems and asked, rhetorically, "How f$%#%d up do you have to be to get fired by Guns 'n' Roses?"
(One wonders if it's more or less f$%#%d up than surfing pornotube.com every day looking for LL's sex video...)
Posted by: byoolin | October 19, 2006 8:20 AM
All I have to say to this is Word. Wordy McWord of the planet Word.
Posted by: Pru | October 19, 2006 9:54 AM
"A bunch of uneducated, untalented, whiney, bulemic, catty, headline-hunting tw*ts." You say that like it's a bad thing.
I love them! They're so hot in their glorious stupidity!
Posted by: Stick | October 19, 2006 10:13 AM
The comments to this entry are closed.
aww, yay! I love, love, LOVE this. Good job, Liz and Lisa :-)