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Celebritology Clip n' Save: How to Live In America (If You're a British Soccer Star or His Wife)
The Beckhams are coming to America. Becks -- international soccer star, Mr. Posh and all around pretty boy -- is reportedly set to sign a five-year $250 million dollar contract with the MLS's L.A. Galaxy soccer team. This is apparently some kind of big deal for American soccer, as ably explained by The Post's Steven Goff and Dan Steinberg, but I'm more interested in seeing if Becks and Posh will be able to bend it like Brangelina -- meaning, how will these two English roses react to the hot Hollywood climate?
Victoria and David Beckham, California bound. (AP)
Hoping to ease their trip across the pond, I've called on celebrity advice SWAT team member Lisa Todorovich to help me come up with a few tips for the transplants.
1. No matter what, stay away from Paris Hilton. Her tastes tend to run more to fallen pop stars and Greek shipping heirs, but she does have a penchant for collecting exotic pets.
2. Culture shock can be a killer. For some solid pointers, you may want to study this old, umm, documentary series -- "The Beverly Hillbillies" -- chronicling the migration of another family to Hollywood. This could be helpful for avoiding faux pas like answering the door with a loaded shotgun.
3. Although you seem to have cultivated some kind of long-distance relationship with TomKat, proximity may have you reconsidering. If Tom starts talking to you about operating thetans and a house for sale conveniently close to the Scientology Celebrity Center, you might want to back away slowly.
4. There's a little known law on the California books that prevents more than two Spice Girls from congregating in one place. With Scary and Posh stateside, consider yourself on notice.
5. Listen, Posh, remember when you called Naomi Campbell "a massive cow"? On behalf of her former assistants, can I just say well done and I hope there's more where that came from.
6. We are a culture of self-help and celebrity glorification. Three words: celebrity diet book. And, if that fails, two words: reality show.
7. Americans aren't really sure what "Posh" means. You might consider rebranding with something a little more understandable to the WYSIWYG U.S. market. Perhaps "Snotty clotheshorse" would do?
8. The two of you have dealt with -- and survived -- a paparazzi crush in Britain that would send Lindsay Lohan back to the hospital for another appendectomy. After that, Perez Hilton and TMZ.com should be a cakewalk. Think of this as passing "Go" and collecting your requisite reward. Manifest Destiny and all that.
9. Posh, as you're mulling your next career steps, consider becoming a life coach. You capitalized on early celebrity, married well, had three children you aren't accused of neglecting, and you wear underwear. As far as we know. Britney Spears needs your help.
10. Another career option: celebrity stylist. On second thought...
11. You both will be inundated with acting offers. Yes, really. And as you consider them, think of other athletes-turned-actors: Joe Namath, O.J. Simpson (that whole murder case thing notwithstanding),The Rock, and other pop-stars-turned actors: Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Beyonce. Beyond a token appearance hosting "Saturday Night Live," please do us all a gigantic favor and say no.
12. Becks, if in the end your very presence doesn't sufficiently goose MLS and the promise of soccer in the United States, don't take it personally. We don't listen to anyone.
One in an occasional series of how-to articles written with armchair celebrity adviser Lisa Todorovich.
By Liz |
January 12, 2007; 11:00 AM ET
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Posted by: 23112 | January 12, 2007 12:23 PM
I am really worried about the Beck's financial situation. I don't think he is earning enough money. I do think Posh will have to get a job or two to make ends meet.
Are they Scientologist's? Will they have to tithe?
Posted by: Barb | January 12, 2007 12:35 PM
My god - how old is that first picture of Victoria Beckham in item #10? It has to be at least 5 or 6 years old. She's got a hint of a smile going and her face doesn't look skeletal. Reminds you of how pretty she used to be...
Posted by: Chasmosaur | January 12, 2007 12:35 PM
I agree! She now looks like a blow-up doll with Donatella Versace nagahyde skin.
Posted by: Barb | January 12, 2007 12:37 PM
Actually I think she looks a little like one of those Blythe dolls. Becks on the other hand is a beautiful specimen of man candy.
Posted by: petal | January 12, 2007 12:44 PM
-Please do not appear on "The View" or The Apprentice" both are hosted by pathetic cows that deserve your contempt.
-Do not hire K-Fed as a back up dancer, rapper, or punching bag for the kids.
Posted by: Lisa | January 12, 2007 12:54 PM
I would add:
Make friends with, and study, Mr. & Mrs. Tom Hanks and Mr. & Mrs. Steven Spielberg -- we know who they are, and yet we don't know much about their private lives. And it seems to be working out from the tabloid side as well as the fame side.
Posted by: miss belle | January 12, 2007 1:26 PM
I don't think they need very much advice they seem to be doing pretty good on their own.
Posted by: Marie | January 12, 2007 1:27 PM
Gee, another skeletal, lollipop-headed, vacant-eyed anorexic woman in L.A. Ooooo, another talented-but-egomaniacal pretty boy in L.A. So unusual!
Posted by: Catherine | January 12, 2007 1:42 PM
Happy afternoon. I forgot to add that the Beckhams should avoid doing interviews in a state approaching drunkenness:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zt5-wn3fvlw
- Liz
Posted by: Liz | January 12, 2007 2:03 PM
Jeez, how long did it take them to get her mike on and how hard was it to keep her on the chair?
Posted by: petal | January 12, 2007 2:42 PM
If only Posh and Becks could hope to be as fabulous as Lisa T., one of the few women out there who can elegantly suck the head of a crawfish AND look ravishing as St. Pauli Girl.
Posted by: MarniL | January 12, 2007 4:05 PM
5 years, $250 mil?
Nice.
I see David and Posh in a new reality TV series about their entry into West Coast culture; "Spend it Like Beckham"
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Interestingly, Stephen Hunter reviewed the new movie with J.T. in a supporting role, and Justin apparently knocked it out of the park. Always knew the kid had potential...that Omeletville sketch couldn't have been a fluke.