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Celebritology 101: The Art of the Blind Item
Which pop diva makes her friend go out undercover to get fried chicken so her mom doesn't find out?
Which pop megastar celebrated his visit to NYC last week with an east Village go-go dancer and gay-for-pay rent boy? "He was fat, completely hairless and doesn't really like being touched," says the young gentleman.
Which starlet amuses friends by carting her cocaine around town in a simply darling little Hello Kitty change purse?
Sometimes there is no more satisfying read than the questionable, and often ridiculously sublime, blind item. As in the examples above, the blind item -- long a staple of gossip columnists hoping to avoid messy litigation or add a little spice to an otherwise slow news day -- hits that irresistible sweet spot between salacious hearsay and our desire to fill in the blanks.
Of course, here at Celebritology we would never engage in blind item generation (except to wonder... Which well-known Post Magazine columnist has demonstrated a penchant for threadbare T-shirts and Dave Barry worship?).
Still, there is a certain haiku-like purity about blind items; they are beautiful in their simplicity, speaking volumes with an economy of words. It almost matters not whether there is substance behind the salaciousness -- the better crafted items stand alone as pop art worthy of Andy Warhol (if not necessarily about him anymore).
It is the juxtaposition of absurdity with celebrity that makes items about "starlets" who eat fried chicken or "pop megastars" who may be "completely hairless" uproariously funny. Read, for instance, the Village Voice's Michael Musto's homage to blind items, The Secret Lives of Celebrities -- a laundry list of blind items so long and laugh-out-loud funny ("What old-time actor, when he has to wear a wig in a movie, has them put it on over his wig, rather than take the thing off and let anyone know it's a fake?"), one needs a moment to collect oneself after reading.
Have you seen a particularly funny blind item lately? If so, share it in the comments section. This post will serve as the basis for a thread highlighting the best (and worst) of blind items.
By Liz |
March 27, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
| Category:
Blind Items
,
Celebritology 101
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Posted by: | March 27, 2007 12:47 PM
Blind items drive me completely insane. It's so hard to figure out who these people are. My productively all day will be shot becauce I'll be trying to figure out who the hairless fat man is!
Posted by: SD | March 27, 2007 12:54 PM
My answers are 1. Lindsay Lohan, 2. Elton John, 3. Paris Hilton.
Posted by: BF | March 27, 2007 1:27 PM
From the NY Post's Page Six 1/21:
"WHICH shaggy-haired rocker with a perky pop-star girlfriend has the nightclub circuit buzzing that he's been taking guys home with him late at night?"
Hmm. Let me think. Shaggy-haired rocker, pop-star girlfriend. . . . nope, I got nothin'.
Posted by: TD | March 27, 2007 1:54 PM
To BF: That means that you think that Lindsay Lohan's a "pop diva" - I am going with Jessica Simpson or pre-last month, Britney.
Posted by: Betty | March 27, 2007 1:56 PM
"(except to wonder... Which well-known Post Magazine columnist has demonstrated a penchant for threadbare T-shirts and Dave Barry worship?)."
I know! I know! It's Laskas, right?
Posted by: Sillikins | March 27, 2007 1:57 PM
RE: The threadbare T-shirt wearing, Dave Barry worshipper. Since next week is April, will we be able to ask him about this himself?
Posted by: OB | March 27, 2007 1:57 PM
Haha you called Gene "well-known"
Posted by: not bluto | March 27, 2007 1:59 PM
RE: The threadbare T-shirt wearing, Dave Barry worshipper.
I was at the VA press association dinner this past weekend (as a guest) and said writer received an award (as did a few others) and there were just two guys to collect the awards for everyone from the Post. What's that about? You guys don't want to come down to Norfolk?
Posted by: Em | March 27, 2007 2:01 PM
Betty: You're right. I wsa concentrating on the overbearing mom that i skipped the pop diva part. I'm changing my answer to Hillary Duff (Brittney would've been a good answer, but for the longest time, eating chicken is the last thing her mom would've cared about.)
Posted by: BF | March 27, 2007 2:23 PM
I'd go w/ Beyonce on the first one...
Posted by: Boutros | March 27, 2007 2:37 PM
pop diva: so beyonce. she's on the record talking about her love of popeye's.
pop megastar: elton john.
starlet: lohan, lohan, lohan. girl can't exit a bathroom without white stuff all over her.
Posted by: not so blind | March 27, 2007 2:42 PM
1) Beyonce: She has a lifetime member card for Popeye's chicken. Her favorite is the 2 piece meal with red beans w/rice, biscuit, and cherry coke.
2) Elton John: Pre-brithday celebration.
3) Lindsay Lohan or one of the Olsen twins
Posted by: Lisa1 | March 27, 2007 3:05 PM
Pop Diva - Hilary Duff
Pop megastar - Randy (what's his name from Idol) I'm basing the megastar part on him being adore in some country far far far away. Hey, it could happen.
Hello Kitty starlet- Paris Hilton. Although the thought of naming her a starlet sickens me. Or Nicole Richie, she was very forthcoming when she got arrested.
To TD:
I'm going with the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. His name escapes me at the moment.
Posted by: petal | March 27, 2007 3:07 PM
Shaggy hair + perky pop-star girlfried = John Mayer and Jessica Simpson. Scandalous.
Otherwise, yes to Beyonce and Elton. But the coke-lover? Coke was long rumored to be behing Nicole's weight loss and the breakup of her engagement. Like it matters - Lindsay, Nicole, Paris, Mary Kate...they probably borrow from each other in the ladies room.
Posted by: cmd | March 27, 2007 3:37 PM
To TD:
what about John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? seems to fit the billing.
also - read somewhere that the two of them were spied in Rome, dining in a restaurant. JS asked if there was italian dressing for her salad, and the waiter responded, "why yes, they are all Italian..."
vapid airhead. no wonder JM's last album sucked... she's consuming all of the oxygen around him, imparing his brain.
Posted by: maybe? | March 27, 2007 3:40 PM
cmd - you and me, baby! great minds think alike.
Posted by: maybe? | March 27, 2007 3:42 PM
re: Mayer and Simpson -- The Soup said it best: Your body is a wonderland, but your head is a wind tunnel.
Posted by: arlington | March 27, 2007 4:43 PM
What gorgeous, talented Celebritologist was seen recently entering the hep club Butter with four men, one on each limb? Rumor has it, one was her husband, but those in the Know say Prince William and George Clooney were in attendance, each clasping a shapely kneecap. Our darling Celebrity know-it-all just tossed her head and let out a peal of infectious laughter as Stephen Colbert and Dan Craig nibbled earlobes.
Is she delicious? The boys all say: YES!!!!
Posted by: Barb | March 27, 2007 6:42 PM
The comments to this entry are closed.
Cosmo magazine will sometimes do these blind sections...where random people (could be anywhere from a waitress to a rising celebrity, although you never know who these people actually are) talk about crazy things certain celebrities have done, or the bad attitudes they have, or how conniving, dirty, sleazy, etc. they are. And of course, no names are ever mentioned--it's simply, "a really famous actor" or "one of the biggest actresses in hollywood", or "a big actor known for sleeping around" etc. Those sections are too funny!