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Where in the World is Jayden James?
(Jeremy Norman for washingtonpost.com)
Hey Y'all.
What with all the head-shaving and fishnetting, one can easily forget that Britney Spears is also the mother of two tykes: Sean Preston (SPF) and Jayden James. SPF scored primo PR last year with a couple of tabloid stories about mom's bad parenting: There was the cracked skull mishap resulting in a visit from child services and the infamous lap-driving incident (they're so "country"!). And, recently, SPF has been seen making the scene with mom at L.A.'s Millennium Dance Studio, where she's busily hatching her plan to bring the sexy back.
But the astute observer of celebrity domestication may have noticed that something is missing from this family portrait: Spears's eight-month-old son Jayden James. Not since the months-long wait for the first pictures of little Suri Cruise or Anna Nicole Smith's first marriage has so much ink been expended on someone who wears diapers.
The latest rumor buzzing around the Interwebs is that Jayden James is being kept out of the public eye because he suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome brought on by mom's pre-natal partying. This replaces the boring old theory that Spears was keeping Jayden under wraps until she could make a bundle selling pix of the tot to the highest-bidding magazine.
I prefer to think JJ is borrowing a page from the Howard Hughes celebrity playbook -- laying low, stockpiling his pee, letting his fingernails grow.
Because Celebritology likes to give back, today we'll dedicate our scary-powerful collective genius to solving the mystery of JJ's whereabouts by engaging in a little exercise called "If I were X [X being the missing quantity], where would I be?" This state-of-the-art method of deduction has helped me to find keys in linen drawers and sunglasses in my husband's glove compartment on innumerable occasions. Today, it will doubtless lead us to the likely reason Jayden James has eluded the spotlight thus far.
As usual, I'll start:
If I were Jayden James, where would I be?
Well, seeing as how Britney Spears is my mother and Kevin Federline is my father, I'm probably hitchhiking to Angelina Jolie's current location in Prague where I can seamlessly disappear into the Jolie-Pitt tribe.
Your turn...
By Liz |
May 15, 2007; 10:43 AM ET
| Category:
Britney Spears
,
Celebrities
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Posted by: methinks | May 15, 2007 11:00 AM
If I were Jayden James Federline, I'd already have a lawyer on retainer and filed for "Emancipation of a Minor." If my lawyer was any good at all, he'd simply have to show the videos and tabloids to the court, I'd be emancipated, and I'd legally change my name to something so obscure it would take a proctologist to determine my relationship to Britney and Kevin.
Posted by: Ken | May 15, 2007 11:05 AM
JJF is probably hanging with Suri Cruise, getting indoctrinated into Scientolofy. After all, isn't purging one's self of inner thetans the path to a second chance at stardom (see: Travolta, John)?
Posted by: Thetan Central | May 15, 2007 11:10 AM
IF I were JJF, I would be too busy macking on all the gratuitously fast-developing babes in my baby daycare, taking note of those who are set to inherit millions of dollars while simultaneously looking for endorsement deals from various non-market-leading companies and and subpar fashion designers.
Posted by: DJ | May 15, 2007 11:12 AM
If I were Jayden James Federline, I would be this very moment switching identities with another baby my age. Unfortunately for me, the only baby I could find to switch places with is 8 month-old Dannielynn Marshall Birkhead.
The entire scam is going to blow up in my face at bath time.
*sigh*
Posted by: byoolin | May 15, 2007 11:16 AM
If I were Jayden James Federline, where would I be?
At Phil Spector's stately "Pyrenees Castle." The way Phil's trial is going, he won't need it for the next 50 to 100 years. Plus, plenty of wigs to keep we warm when the nights are cold. (My favorite is the "Hair Bears" inspired fro wig.)
Posted by: Darlene | May 15, 2007 11:20 AM
If I were JJF, I'd be in the country where people actually take care of their children themselves, wouldn't be caught dead in public in their fishnets and bra, and think that a woman who shaves her head ain't quite right.
Posted by: A little bit country | May 15, 2007 11:23 AM
If I were Jayden James, I'd probably be buried in the back yard with the apple-head miniature chihuahuas.
Posted by: POS | May 15, 2007 11:45 AM
If I were JJF, I'd be at home growing my hair for mommy's new wig (which she very desparately needs).
Posted by: still | May 15, 2007 11:55 AM
POS for the WIN!!
Posted by: Bored @ work | May 15, 2007 11:55 AM
I am Jayden James Federline and quite frankly the less time I spend with that fishnet wearing, head shaving, gum chewing woman is a joy. Stop trying to stir up trouble. I need more time to work on my leg strength so I can get the Hank Hill outta here.
Don't try to find me.
Posted by: petal | May 15, 2007 11:59 AM
If I were JJF I'd be asking Shar Jackson if there was any room at the inn.
Posted by: Irish girl | May 15, 2007 12:10 PM
If I were JJF, I'd be working on my blending-in skills in hopes I can hitch a ride home from daycare with a real family. Mom's head is so far up her .... she won't notice I'm gone for days, if ever.
Posted by: b | May 15, 2007 12:16 PM
If I were JJF, I'd be on a playdate with Rowan Henchy, Brooke Shields' daughter, getting the lowdown on antidepressants and whether they really turned her mother around. Then I'd give my Mom a prescription for Mother's Day.
Posted by: Jean | May 15, 2007 12:18 PM
If I were Jayden James, I'd be in a padded room, wrapping myself in bubble wrap for the next time mommy comes home to get me. That way she can't hurt me when she drops me or forgets to put me in my car seat.
Posted by: LOL | May 15, 2007 12:53 PM
Man, I LOVE Celebritology-- I'm a religious follower of the column and the chat, BUT repeating the rumor about fetal alcohol syndrome without a shred of evidence is pretty cruel, even for a gossip column.
Posted by: Matt | May 15, 2007 1:04 PM
If I was JJF I would create a bidding war between US Weekly and People for my first word.
Posted by: Lisa1 | May 15, 2007 1:10 PM
*hic* *hic* ...I am Jayden James... *hic* ...and you can find me at Promises.
"Hi, I'm Jayden, and I'm the child of an alcoholic..."
Posted by: Jayden James | May 15, 2007 1:16 PM
If I were JJF I'd be thankful that I wasn't Blanket or Prince Michael.
Posted by: DC GUY | May 15, 2007 1:17 PM
Matt, I hear you, but I do think there's a distinction to be made... I do not in any way credit this latest rumor -- merely putting it out there as the latest scuttlebutt surrounding JJ. Hence the playful, imaginary exercise.
Posted by: Liz | May 15, 2007 1:28 PM
If I were JFJ, I'm thinking my 'rents left me in vegas
Posted by: nova | May 15, 2007 2:06 PM
If I were Jayden James I'd grab Sean Preston and escape to the Jolie/Pitt Compound of Unwanted Children. Although I would suggest spray on tan and dying their hair black so they don't look too white.
Posted by: st.louis | May 15, 2007 2:43 PM
Yo, JJF up in dis piece. Props to the tabloids - still a money maker even if my 15 minutes was a minute ago. Me and my hos been big pimping (Po-Po-Zau). Dannilynn and Suri - ALL that cash, they got - b*****s betta have my money - e'ryday, ya heard. Told them they need to break off Philillppe and Moder, 'cuz I think we can do bidniss wit them Witherspoon and Roberts kids, if they goody-goody mamas step aside. You just keep looking, its only a few days before my hos be in the paper doing body shots with interchangable men and scoring DUIs doing 100 on the PCH.
Posted by: What Up! | May 15, 2007 2:47 PM
We interrupt this (really, truly wonderful) discussion to bring news of two headlines which together signal the impending apocalypse:
Jerry Falwell dies.
Lindsey Lohan named Maxim's "hottest woman".
It would take a Celebritologist to fully capture the meaning of these two simultaneous events. Liz, if you please?
Posted by: WDC | May 15, 2007 3:16 PM
If I were JJF, and I'm glad I'm not, I'd be lying low to avoid paternity charges for the knocked-up 7 month old in the crib next to mine. I am my Daddy's boy, after all.
Posted by: Cubeland, MD | May 15, 2007 4:11 PM
http://perezhilton.com/
Posted by: Here I am | May 15, 2007 4:36 PM
What Up!
You take the trophy for funny comment of the day.
Posted by: petal | May 15, 2007 4:51 PM
How will we be able to identify the gay from the straight muppets or irritating puppets now that Falwell is gone?
If the Olsen twins can be fashion icons, LiLo has got to be the hottest woman. Halle and Salma be damned.
Posted by: petal | May 15, 2007 4:57 PM
What about Winky-Dinky and SpongeBob Squarepants. They are like, so gay.
Posted by: POS | May 15, 2007 8:17 PM
Has anyone seen either kid with K-Fed? Didn't he basically get custody of the boys in the divorce?
Posted by: DC | May 16, 2007 8:55 AM
The comments to this entry are closed.
If I were JJF, I'd be so far away from my natural parents that it would take Peter Falk as Columbo to find me. That or at my me-maw's house in Louisiana swingin' in a tire swing, eatin' moon pies and drinking co'cola.