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Celebritology 101: Picture Perfect
Nicole Richie's re-imagined baby pic. (Courtesy PlanetHiltron.com)
Stars, they're just like us. Or at least they are over at planethiltron.com, a fabulously wicked collection of PhotoShopped star pix. Behold a pudgy Angelina Jolie dancing in a cluttered apartment, a cheesed out Ashlee Simpson, Paris Kennedy and a shrunken Tom Cruise.
Culturally, we have an insatiable desire to buy magazines or browse Web sites filled with glossy pix of svelte, blemish-free, ageless hardbodies that look nothing like the real lumps of flesh we see in the mirror or next to us in bed. Despite some recent moves to feature "real" people in ads (Dove, for instance), we don't tend to spend our magazine money on pix tainted by the pesky signs of reality -- cellulite, zits and middle-aged spread.
The not-too-secret secret is a shadowy army of photo retouchers magically manipulating PhotoShop and a veritable quiver of desktop tools designed to perpetuate the images of a mythical race of superhuman celebrities and models. Height is added, waistlines are slimmed, colors are saturated and stars take on the unattainable perfection which we variously curse and covet. This portfolio of before-and-after shots*, for instance, show what a little subtle manipulation can do to take images of stars like Katherine Heigl, Cameron Diaz and Eva Longoria from so-so to sexpot (though I really don't get the Beyonce-cutting-peppers-with-a-machete thing).
Because the Internets just wouldn't be the Internets without taking the capabilities of these tools to the extreme, sites like Worth1000.com have given amateur photo stylists a place to post abominations like these "detouched" pix, a collection of clumsy jpegs of celebrities retrofitted with bad teeth and acne. (Warning: I needed an antacid after looking at a few pages worth.)
PlanetHiltron stands alone, though, as a perfect blend of technical excellence and spot-on satire. My bookmark folder just got one site fatter.
*Apologies for the Russian link, comrades, but the site to which these pix were originally posted seems to be kaput.
By Liz |
June 19, 2007; 10:42 AM ET
| Category:
Celebritology 101
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Posted by: POS | June 19, 2007 11:49 AM
Absolutely classic. That just made my whole day.
Posted by: LC | June 19, 2007 12:32 PM
Not all of this type of thing is done as a joke. CBS used a "touched-up" photo of Katie Couric when they were introducing her as their new news anchor. The photo made her look about 50 lbs lighter.
Then again, maybe I was wrong. After watching her broadcast a few times ... it was a joke ... on us.
Posted by: SoMD | June 19, 2007 1:08 PM
Jesus H. Christ. Two thoughts come to mind...well, three, but the third one involves me killing myself. First off, ick. Second, whoever is producing the chunky celeb photos must have some body image insecurity. I'm not one to psychoanalyze but these just scream neu·rot·ic.
Posted by: 23112 | June 19, 2007 1:12 PM
I am pretty disturbed by the fact that "touching up" Beyonce meant making her skin about four shades lighter. That isn't retouching, that is racism. Also, a few didn't look much different. P. Cruz and E. Longoria looked great in both pics.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 19, 2007 1:30 PM
Actually I thought Kiera Knightley looked better as a human.
Posted by: soso | June 19, 2007 2:01 PM
Orlando Bloom still looked hot.
Posted by: lisa1 | June 19, 2007 2:09 PM
DAMMIT, Liz! The Net Nanny is scolding me for trying to access the before and after site. The Net Nanny tells me that sex sites are prohibited. Good thing that discussions about the ability of women to kegel out used tampons are still okay.
Posted by: Mister Methane | June 19, 2007 2:10 PM
"DAMMIT, Liz! The Net Nanny is scolding me for trying to access the before and after site. The Net Nanny tells me that sex sites are prohibited. Good thing that discussions about the ability of women to kegel out used tampons are still okay."
OMG -- that is too funny (probably because I know exactly what you're talking about).
Posted by: WDC | June 19, 2007 2:23 PM
"OMG -- that is too funny (probably because I know exactly what you're talking about)."
As do I, unfortunately.
Posted by: Liz | June 19, 2007 2:26 PM
No matter how hard I push... no luck.
Anyway, those pictures really skeeve me out, even the ones on the Russkie site (where I thought all of them looked a little BETTER in the retouches).
I think it's just that someone took so much TIME and ENERGY creating them. Somehow it just seems like a short step down the hall to the room with the STALKER nameplate on the door.
Posted by: Margo | June 19, 2007 2:38 PM
What's up with make the stars pudgy, although I loved the Posh photo. But my favorite, favorite, favorite is the Michael Jackson...to hilarious.
Posted by: st.louis | June 19, 2007 2:53 PM
I liked how on the retouching site it looks like the only thing they did to Eva Longoria is make her arm look fatter... now that's when you know when you need to start eating more, you look too thin even to magazine retouchers.
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I've got to say, this photo makes me physically ill. Ewwwwww.
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Thanks, Liz.
I love "Little Tom"!!!