Posted at 10:42 AM ET, 07/ 2/2007

An Ode to Lindsay Lohan on the Occasion of her 21st Birthday

By Liz Kelly

Birthday girl Lindsay Lohan. (AP)

On starlet birthdays,
though you may not know it
The Celebritologist
Becomes a poet.

Who do we honor?
Let me explain:
She sings, she acts,
She drives on cocaine.

That's right, Lindsay Lohan,
Rehab darling du jour,
Turns today twenty-one
And is sober, we're sure.

A paparazzi target
Who parties real hard,
She's left Disney for "Mean Girls,"
And earned that SAG card.

But with mom a floozy
And dad an ex-con,
Lindsay's made a habit
Of carousing till dawn.

So a little advice
For this most jolly of days:
Keep your promise -- don't drink
And renounce girl deejays.

And for just a while
Avoid those old haunts,
Goodbye to the Ivy
And to Chateau Marmont.

Let's see a new LL
Without coke and scotch
And show the world
You're more than a [Editor's Note: Liz can't use that excellent rhyme here. This is The Post.]

Many thanks to Gene Weingarten for helping to clean up the meter of this significant work by an as-yet unheralded poet.

By Liz Kelly | July 2, 2007; 10:42 AM ET
Categories: Celebrities, Lindsay Lohan, Miscellaneous
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Comments

you got poetry skillz, liz!
only one thing wrong, i bet her drink of choice isn't scotch. it's probably one of those oh so cool flavoured vodkas.

Posted by: methinks | July 2, 2007 10:53 AM | Report abuse

What was it that was going to rhyme with scotch? Hint, please, for the hopelessly clueless.

Posted by: Naive | July 2, 2007 10:56 AM | Report abuse

There once was an actor named Lohan
who loved drivin' while drinkin' or blowin'.
Now from rehab she's run
to turn twenty-one
and back to that spa she ain't goin'.

Posted by: byoolin | July 2, 2007 10:59 AM | Report abuse

If one uses methink's suggestion of vodkas, the last line of "An Ode..." might reasonably end in the word "knockas."

Naive, think of a word ending in "-otch" and starting with either "cr-" or "bey-". They both work equally well, poetically speaking, but one obviously has a more visual aspect.

Posted by: byoolin | July 2, 2007 11:03 AM | Report abuse

this is just mean. classless.

Posted by: el nino | July 2, 2007 11:14 AM | Report abuse

"What was it that was going to rhyme with scotch? Hint, please, for the hopelessly clueless."

I was sure it was "crotch" when I first read it, but since Liz is more sublime, I'm starting to lean toward "Bi-atch"

Posted by: Bud Omsman | July 2, 2007 11:18 AM | Report abuse

the final rhyme I think refers to the infamous reference that includes fire before the rhyme. LL is a fire ____.

Posted by: sjcpeach | July 2, 2007 11:20 AM | Report abuse

Edit: if it is "Bi-atch", though, shame on Weingarten for not cleaning up the meter on that line. So, the more obvious answer is probably still correct.

Posted by: Bud Omsman | July 2, 2007 11:20 AM | Report abuse

"I like the work of Allan Funt."

Posted by: Brian Griffin | July 2, 2007 11:39 AM | Report abuse

to Naive: It's that lovely area she was fond of flashing to photogs in the "who needs panties" phase.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 2, 2007 12:25 PM | Report abuse

to Naive: It's that lovely area she was fond of flashing to photogs in the "who needs panties" phase.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 2, 2007 12:25 PM | Report abuse

so, seriously, you can't use the word 'crotch' on the washpost website? that's wild.

Posted by: methinks | July 2, 2007 12:29 PM | Report abuse

i don't think the missing word was crotch. by the way, that's a beautiful picture of lindsay. nice of you to post a good photo when there are so many really non-flattering ones out there.

Posted by: methinks | July 2, 2007 12:31 PM | Report abuse

No,no,no..it's "splotch."
Liz would never use the c word in any form. She says "Yoo-hoo" or something more ladylike.
And I think Brit's the one who flashes the yoo-hoo, not LL.

Posted by: POS | July 2, 2007 12:32 PM | Report abuse

"You're more than a ..." Heh, heh. Great poetry, Liz. :-)

I'm bummed LiLo's a Cancer like me, though. We couldn't BE more different ...

Posted by: Cancerian | July 2, 2007 12:37 PM | Report abuse

This is AFTER Weingarten edited it? Yikes.

Posted by: mark | July 2, 2007 12:43 PM | Report abuse

the missing word is firecrotch, as oily oil heir brandon davis once referred to LL

Posted by: shari | July 2, 2007 2:19 PM | Report abuse

love how the world events harpies (though noticeably absent lately, and thankfully)and poetry critics express their interests via celebrity blog. irony knows no boundaries.

Posted by: cee_jay | July 2, 2007 2:21 PM | Report abuse

mean and unfunny.

she is a young girl with problems.

way to ruin a simple birthday.

Posted by: maya | July 2, 2007 2:52 PM | Report abuse

leave the poor kid alone. i was doing the same things when i was 21. it's called "college." she doesn't get to make her mistakes within the safety of a cushy campus like the rest of us. cut her some slack.

Posted by: wp girl | July 2, 2007 2:57 PM | Report abuse

"she doesn't get to make her mistakes within the safety of a cushy campus like the rest of us. cut her some slack."

No, she gets to make them in a $120K Mercedes convertible while thousands of younger girls look up to her as an idol, despite all the good reasons not to. If she kept her issues in private, then it'd be one thing, but she's made them (and her privates) VERY public.

Posted by: 23112 | July 2, 2007 3:14 PM | Report abuse

POS, dear, it's "hoo ha" not "yoo hoo".

Posted by: Oy veh | July 2, 2007 3:43 PM | Report abuse

POS, dear, it's "hoo ha" not "yoo hoo".

Posted by: Oy veh | July 2, 2007 3:43 PM | Report abuse

POS, dear, it's "hoo ha" not "yoo hoo".

Posted by: Oy veh | July 2, 2007 3:43 PM | Report abuse

Yeah, OK, I get it.
I don't get out much, OK?

Posted by: POS | July 2, 2007 8:12 PM | Report abuse

ive actually also heard it called "yoo hoo" too, so dont feel bad, POS!

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