When Harry met Hairy.

Yikes-- I thought you told me Jack Palance was dead!

Jack: I'm peeing on your leg!

Billy: It feels MAHVelous!

Don't goose me, you sick old man!

Yesterday they were movie stars. Today they're has-beens. Tomorrow they'll be walking funny.

Jack: Here's Johnny!

Billy: I loved that scene! And the one where the kid keeps saying "redrum, redrum, redrum"

Jack: All work and no play makes Jack...

Billy: Whoa, Jack! Hands where I can see them!

Holy Crap!

Billy and Jack take part in a product demonstration for hair gel - it advertised that people would take notice of the few hairs they have left. It works!

YOW! Your hands are cold.

B.C.: Hey! How many times to I have to tell you to quit pinching my cheeks!

J.N.: Tee-hee hee hee.

Billy: Remember the old days when I would host the oscars and you'd win the oscars.

Jack: I wore sunglasses then for the same reason I'm wearing them now...I'm too drunk to care what you're saying.

Jack: "So, Billy... Do you like it when I 'Analyze That'?"

Billy: "Only if you don't mind that I 'Analyze This'!"

Yeah, that's right Billy, I've seen Kathy Bates naked.

America's Sweethearts... the Joker and the jokester.

I have a few:

" I must be crazy to be in a looney bin like this. Couldn't my agent have gotten me someone better to hold on to me. Like a hot, younger girl, not this old creep."

"I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep. But seriously, get off me now."

"The Truth, you can't handle the truth. The truth is that we are has been, washed up and forgotten. Or at least you are."

When Harry Met Scary

Jack! It still works, trust me. I just don't use it as often as you do.

I'll pretend to be scared of you if you pretend that you find me funny.

lol, Helena Handbasket, I thought of the same thing.

When Scary Groped Harry

(Helena deserves half the credit for this one.)

Hey Jack, this is the face I make when I'm at the proctologist. What about you?

BC: Hey, Mr. Handsy McGrabsalot, that's private property!

First in line for the Early Bird Special, can you believe our luck?

JN: You let go of mine, I'll let go of yours.

BC: You go first.

Okay, okay! My heart and my mind will follow! Just let go already!

Jack: Don't Jonny Fairplay me, I'll Danny Bonaduce your A _ _ !

They can't *handle* the truth.

Following the advice from good friend Dennis Hopper, Jack plans for his retirement by only dating bankable comics.

Billy and Jack cackle wildly at the thought of ever shopping at Target.

Billy: If you laugh with your mouth wide open, it reduces chicken neck.

Jack: But if you'd clench your teeth like this, it might hide your goiter.

Even thought the target was in the middle, the sharpshooter was told to aim 4 inches to the side - it didn't matter which way.

JN: Sing "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.

I vote for michael. I nearly spit my coffee all over the keyboard!

I vote for SMACK's comment.

Billy Crystal cracks up after hearing the details of Jack Nicholson's daily fiber regimen.

You can't handle the receding hairline.

Billy Crystal finally learns who danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Billy: Hey Jack, looks like you forgot to brush your hair too.

Billy and Jack acting out a scene from the latest Depends commercial....no more missing out no life because of bladder problems for these two!

BC: Does my breath stink?

JN: Yes. Are these my teeth?

I meant "on life" not "no life"...woops

Two flew over the cuckoos nest.

Jack: Oops, please pardon me!

Billy: Oh the stench, the humanity!

You can't handle the receding hairline.

Posted by: Irish_Ed | October 4, 2007 12:50 PM

lol. gets my vote.

Billy Crystal reacts after finding out Jack Nicholson just punk'd him out of his Hoveround.

Billy Crystal (b1948) screams in horror at the sudden realization that he looks older and fatter then Jack Nicholson (b1937). Jack at least has years of hard partying and models to look back on. What the hell did does Billy have to look back on pastries and cheese?

Maybe we shouldn't have started the metamucil today.....

"Maybe we shouldn't have started the metamucil today....."

BAWHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

JN: Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
BC: Stop the insanity, Jack! You're channeling Susan Powter!

"How about those NY Mets?"

You've got due process, Mother's Day, supermarkets, the FBI, Medicare, air conditioning, AT&T, country clubs, Congress, a 2-car garage, state troopers, the Constitution, color television and democracy. They've got BILLY JACK.

I'd ask who's giving who the wedgie here, but I'm not even sure they know.

Jack Nicholson wears sunglasses to protect his eyes from the glare of Billy Crystal's enormous forehead.

"S'awright!!"

We both have wavy hair, its wavying goodbye.

"eHarmony, where matches are so close, they're really creepy."

When Harry Met Scary!!

Best one by far!!!

Then SMACK's chicken neck line...

It took me forever to get ready to day--10 minutes!

Glad we ain't broads, huh?

At this point, the event organizers began to regret serving the LSD-spiked Koolaid.

Jack, I don't know what you're looking for, but it's a little to the left.

Billy Crystal can't believe Jack's "Wall of Crap" defense was so effective.

Jack: "I can't wait to jab him with the adrenaline spike."

Billy: "I can't wait for him to jab me with the adrenaline spike."

Jack: And then I told the waitress, make me a chicken salad sandwich, hold the bread, hold the mayo and take the chicken salad and.....

Crystal and Nicholson celebrate the inking of their new deal for "City Slickers III: The Legend of the Tanning Salon."

Nicholson reluctantly agrees to play Crystal's life partner on the planned HBO remake of "Soap".

"No, Billy, THIS is a spinal tap!"

Billy: One little murder and you are Jack the Ripper.

Jack: Ever dance with the devil?

Billy: I hope I got enough on-the-job training for my next movie, Jack.

Jack: What's the movie?

Billy: "Proctologist to the Mob." Let me give you a sample!

Nicholson and Crystal debate the merits of the taste of regular versus orange Metamucil.

Nicholson and Crystal simultaneously electrocuted onstage.

I'll see your flabby double chin and raise you one!

Billy: "Be sure to say 'when' when they are filling in your lines with Botox."

Jack: "Be sure to say 'when' when they are pulling your skin back during the face lift."

The paternity test confirms their darkest fears.

Overheard... two Hollywood legends reminisce about the good ole days and make expressions from their favorite starring role.

Legend 1, "Here's mine from City Slickers! Not 2, though; that wasn't that funny."

Legend 2, "Here's mine from [insert name of any Jack Nicholson movie, EVER]. Funny thing, I smile like this all of the time now."

That's right Billy, I'm marrying your daughter.

That's right Billy, I'm going commando.

"Even thought the target was in the middle, the sharpshooter was told to aim 4 inches to the side - it didn't matter which way."

Ah, not bluto, you are so.... on-target today! That killed me!

Billy: It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.

Jack: Get out of my way son, you're usin' my oxygen.

Zero-sized actress Lara Flynn Boyle, center, gamely endures a rendition of "The Surrey With The Fringe On Top" from two fringe-topped crooners.

Jack, I don't know what you're looking for, but it's a little to the left.

Posted by: JF | October 4, 2007 02:45 PM

EXCELLENT@

Old dogs sport new tricks at Target mascot tryout.

Tom Laughlin and Delores Taylor share a laugh as they attend the AFI screening of the cult classic "Billy Jack." (The Post earlier mistakenly identified the actors as Billy Crystal and Jack Nicholson.)

aggkk!!! I look as old as Jack!

Billy Crystal clearly forgot that when standing next to Nicholson, your ass will probably get grabbed.

By unhinging his jaw, the male Crystal can consume his weight in Nicholsons.

Billy: You got the "gentleman's thong" in the Oscar swag bag too? I thought that was only for hosts.

Nurse Ratched, Nurse Ratched! McMurphy voided!

The amazing new future camera captures Jon Steward and Steve Carell at the 2030 AFI tribute to fake news.

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