Uno

Way to go, Larry, what the world needs is an Anna Nicole in training.

Too many babycakes, not enough responsible adults.

RIP George Carlin.

Fill in appropriate one of the 7 words here.

Buying historic lingerie? For your toddler? Although I guess I kind of get the dilemma - I mean, what *is* he going to tell her about her mom? He might as well have some of the artifacts ready. (I assume he already has copies of the relevant issues of Playboy preserved in archival boxes.)

Yeah, just what every little girl wants -- her mom's old underwear. This is so skeevy.

Yeah, don't smoke crack, you might get emphysema. Don't worry about the other effects.

Today's News: "New York judge orders 50 Cent to give up his guns."

Tomorrow's News: "Speidi Hired By 50 Cent to provide personal protection services."

$3K for Anna Nicole's lacey underthings? Geez, Larry - you can buy them from one of those vending machines in Tokyo's red light district for, like, $2.

Yawn, Kayne West is calling himself a god again...
Wait, he's talking about someone ELSE? OK, cool, good to see he can share the hyperbole.
In an unrelated topic, I would like to start a swing band called "Commemorative Lingerie".

The Kanye/Lil Wayne link led me to this:

"Canadian singer Celine Dion has received an undesirable accolade - she is responsible for the worst cover song in history... [Her] cover of heavy rockers AC/DC's track "You Shook Me All Night Long" has been deemed a "musical offence" and placed atop a chart of the worst ever covers compiled by industry publication Total Guitar magazine."

byoo?

How is it that you know about what is available in the vending machines in Tokyo's red light district?

never mind.

The thought of Celine Dion doing a cover of any AC/DC song is going to shake ME all night long....

*snicker* Crack causes emphysema...imagine that. At least she's got a dad that cares (belatedly?) for her. I wonder how hard she pushes him away.

So sad about George Carlin.

Now I see why Anna didn't want Larry to be in that little girl's life. It would just be the cherry on top if he hopes that his daughter would one day wear it. To feel closer to her mom.

RIP George Carlin. He was the first comedian I ever saw live (in 1975) and my ribs hurt for days afterward.

Is George Carlin's soul resting on someone's roof?

From Wikipedia:
"he (George C.) invented the parody religion Frisbeetarianism for a newspaper contest. He defined it as the belief that when a person dies 'his soul gets flung onto a roof, and just stays there', and cannot be retrieved."

Speaking of cocaine-fueled whatevers, how much blow do y'all think that John Cusack did before his Live Online session on Friday? His responses to some of the questioners had to have been drug-fueled considering how long and detailed and...I dunno, paranoid they were. I know a woman who dated him for a little while once upon a time and she said he was a cokehead then, so that was the first thing that came to mind reading his stuff on Friday.

George Carlin has always been the leader of the pack.

The sheer ridiculousness of Celine Dion's cover of "You Shook Me All Night Long" is surpassed only by Shania Twain's version of the same tune. Girlfriend changed the lyrics to make it more, um, family-friendly. "I wanted to run, but I was already there..." Painful.

Were it not for a clip on Youtube, I would have remained blissfully unaware of this mind-numbing performance. Youtube - such a blessing. Such a curse.

Yo 23112...That's a pretty crappy thing to spread about someone.

I was saddened when I saw the item about George Carlin, he is one of my all-time favorite comedians. I think the only proper send-off is to paraphrase Rufus from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure:

"Gentleman...you're history."

"Wait- do you want me to give up these guns or THESE guns (fiddy flexes his biceps ominously)?"

RE: Dorkus Maximus of the Maximii | June 23, 2008 10:56 AM

Not to be picky or anything, but wouldn't "Dorkus Maximus of the Dorkii" be more correct?

Romanes eunt domus?

Really, I thought Larry Birkhead's ulterior motive is to buy the lingerie for himself? To wear, perhaps.

Jon Cusack's responses did seem very rehearsed and prepared. Not sure if he was able to come up with answers like that on the fly, but one great thing about the chats is that it feels like a real conversation, made up on the spot.

In defense of Celine Dion, I thought that cover wasn't that bad.

I think she should dump the pop music and do more rock.

Funny story: Each summer, a music group from South America (flutes and pan pipes) that used to come up to Chicago and play at various points around the city. One week (on a Wednesday) they stationed themselves outside our windows (we were on the third floor) and played "My Heart Will Go On" for three straight days. By Thursday afternoon, we were contemplating throwing things out the window onto them. On Friday around 2pm, my boss came out of his office and told us we could all go home because the music was driving him crazy. We all left immediately.

[Mitch Winehouse] called on drug dealers to help her recovery by refusing to supply her with crack cocaine.

Later, he called on China and India to curb their use of fossil fuels.

In a statement today, Mitch Winehouse has asked both American presidential candidates not to make promises they can't keep.

Byoolin -

I think you should write that out a hundred times. And if it's not done by sunrise....you know what happens.....

Monday's update:

CELEBRITOLOGY UNIVERSE
Unabashed Glossary of Terms

Bagging the viper - vulgar synonym for "knockin' boots" (see below)
Blowback - non-Lizard snark
Booby Kennedy Day (BKD) - a bodacious afternoon at the Celebritology Hut
Boyzillion - the entire area of one's privacies after waxing (see "yetzillion" below)
Byoolin - the Babe Ruth (in a good way) of the Celebritology Universe
Carm down - a warning that is issued when passions rise too precipitously
Celebuspawn - what comes out when a celebrity foals
Cheetoes - what all B-list celebrity babies, and wannababies, are wearing this season
Clint Eastwood - grumpy old man
Commando raid - mischief effected by a band of Lizards, sometimes includes a rescue ladder
Contrafribularities - (1) apologies, consolation; (2) congratulations, applause, etc.
Cromulent - excellent, realistic, authentic
DB Cooper - Sasquatch's former and much missed neighbor
Doing the Funky Wiggle - what happens when LiLo breaks the one-at-a-time rule
Embiggen - to enlarge; to flesh-out (i.e., the results a boob job)
Empress Tea Lobby - the Lizard version of the Algonquin Round Table
Fatty - one who needs to carm down
Frumpy - to look like Rumer Wills wearing that slouchy beret thingy
Gecko - Curmudgeon's super secret undercover Lizard alias
Geigh - what Clay may or may not be
Harangue the hairy one - this has something to do with Sasquatch
Harshing the snark - critiquing and otherwise criticizing Celebritology comments
Hater - someone with an opinion that differs from your own
Hirsute - what Sasquatch is (aka Prince Hairy); a crytid
Incestupus - (1) the appearance of being incestuous (cf, Billy Ray Cyrus and daughter, Miley Ray Cyrus, in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread); (2) what you call Miley's relationship with Billy Ray if you want to incite another BKD (see Booby Kennedy Day, above)
Kitchen pass - what a Lizard gets from the so/spouse to indulge in flights of bootylicious fancy about certain celebrity members of the opposite sex (geigh or neigh)
Knockin' boots - (1) bagging the viper; (2) celebrities being snarked
Knockin' Ferragamos - the same as knockin' boots only done by wealthy Italians (see above)
LiLo leggings - a part of the Lizard Commando Unit's uniform generally worn while going up the rescue ladder; most distinctive features are the padded knee pads and easy-open crotch seam
Lizard - a denizen of the Celebritology Universe
Luvlinsey - doesn't know how to spell linDsAy
Mean Mommy (MM) - a regular on the OP blog
Merkin - a larger, less refined, second cousin to a tumbleweave (see "tumbleweave" below)
Methinks - the Lizard with the initial pony fixation
Mr Liz - beloved consort of Queen Liz and co-keeper of the Kelly menagerie; it is thought that Mr Liz has the good sense to stay away from the Lizards
Neck-to-knee - Clay's personal grooming secret
Opracity - the extent to which a media figure tries to insert themselves into every aspect of popular culture (e.g., "Paris Hilton, while totally untalented, maintains an Opracity of 96 percent.")
Peep show - what the Thursday Celebritology Chat becomes after an hour of dueling hot links
Photo spread - what Britney and Paris provide onlookers when exiting from an auto
Platicated - what Katie Holmes seems to be in more recent times (i.e., the results of a nose job)
Pony - what every Lizard really really really wants (would be a unicorn if it had a horn in the middle of its forehead)
Pornorific - self-explanatory
Privacies - that which can remain protected by a pair of LiLo leggings (unless the crotch seam gives way)
Propper nacked - showing more skin than Miley Cyrus did in the "Vanity Fair" photo spread
Shamued - being squashed by a killer whale falling from a great height
Shibbi/shibby - hot, cool, partying, or wasted
Skank - a streetwalker
Skanque - (1) a call girl; (2) a French streetwalker
Skeleboobs - aka Victoria Posh Spice Beckham (see also TOAS)
Snark - clever but keenly disparaging remarks about another organization, custom, or person (especially a celebrity)
Snarkfest - the Celebritology posting media
Snark tank - where a deserving celebrity is sent to be snarked limb from limb
Snarky - the essence of a clever, glib observation made by a Lizard
Speedos - snarky synonym for male privacies when seen on a beach or around a pool
Televizzle - where one watches that Pekinese rescue league thing
Texting 'Tweener Tw*t (TTT) - (1) ignorant middleschooler; (2) ignorant grownup
The Perfect Beckham - a six pack and a brat
TOAS - T**'s On A Stick (see also Skeleboobs)
Trojan Lizard - a cunning and artful Commando device used to infiltrate suspect territory
Tumbleweave - an erstwhile hair extension living on its own in the big city; a smaller, more refined, second cousin to a merkin (see "merkin" above)
Unchoreographed flame - (1) an event in a John Woo film reminiscent of the campfire scene in "Blazing Saddles"; (2) any unexpected event
Wrestling the taco - something that Mrs Hogan might want her new boy toy to do
Yetzillion - the entire area of a crytid's privacies after waxing (see "boyzillion" above)

Mitch Whinehouse has removed himself from consideration for the Nobel Prize.

Thank you Groovis, I was going to say something along those lines, however a monthly report is keeping me from procrastinating my day away.

Hey Liz, is calling Timbaland "Timabland" snark or just a typo? :)

In an Ideal World, the Kennedy Center would honor the memory of George Carlin during the Mark Twain Prize ceremony by having the entire audience stand and recite aloud the Seven Dirty Words. Alas, it will not happen. As George Carlin reminded us, this is the Real World. It has no *$^%ing relationship with any Ideal World.

The best that we can hope for is that Jon Stewart will lead the audience of the Daily Show in a recitation of the Seven Dirty Words, the Fish Cheer, or something similar.

As the man himself might have said....
You're t!ts-up MoFo. --it happens. You're *$^%ing history. Rest in *#$damn peace, you magnificent Cox sucker.

RIP George.

Hey Stef, Liz is on vacation.

Congrats to Minnie Driver, both for the baby and for having the dang sense to keep the details of her private life, well, private. See, it can be done!

George Carlin: Rest in @*%# peace, you @%*& @*(^%#&%^.

R.I.P., George. Wonderful WINO Radio will never be the same without you. Nice tribute on HuffPost: http://tinyurl.com/5bakq4

I can think of a lot of reasons why Larry would do that... none of them good.

Hot dang, we've got substitutes all week long!

Anyone got any good pranks lined up?

Sappho, that reminds me of working in a store on Atlantic Ave (Va Beach) during my teen years. There were musicians every half block or so, and the guy outside my store the every night for the whole summer was the accordion dude. As if my job didn't suck enough...

I think we start by using the 8th dirty word as often as possible.

Speaking of ponies....

Curmudgeon, thanks for the updated glossary. May I make a suggestion? It might be worthwhile to post individual terms as they come in, then post an updated master list beneath the Friday main post. I'm not sure if my brain can process that much awesome at one time, it's simply too cromulent.

There's only one proper send-off for George Carlin: a twenty-one bilabial fricative salute.

I think there should be on link on the Celebritology page, maybe Liz Kelly can work on that when she comes back from vaca.

Anyone got any good pranks lined up?

How about at 1:00 we all drop our books on the floor?

"Another word you don't hear too often is 'dingleberies.' You know? You never hear it on 'Meet the Press.' I think it's because 'dingleberries' is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. 'Dingleberries!' It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. 'John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door! Then when Mary Anne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries!'"

I don't think the subs care what we do. They are only subbing a day each. Which means any ruckus we create is soon someone else's problem.

So, ponies away, people.

One of my favorite George Carlin quotes: "It's 8 o'clock in Los Angeles.... it's 9 o'Clock in Denver...... it's 10 o'Clock in Chicago..... In Baltimore it's 6:42."

"[Josh] Levine claims in a suit filed Friday in L.A. Superior Court that [Woody Harrelson] choked him, damaged his video camera and had his bodyguard assault him during an encounter in June 2006.

Did he consider, oh I don't know, going to cops at the time this actually happened? That article doesn't say. It's like my suing a teacher now for a bad grade I got in college 20 years ago. What's the point?

I like the suggestion that we use the forbidden word PONY. Oh my did I just type PONY, why I believe I did. I did just use the forbidden word PONY. Haha

I think it would be a very special gift to the subs if we managed a BKD sometime this weekend...but for that, we can only hope and pray for major celebrity news and a link from the home page.

I LOVE the word dingleberries! It should get used more.
Then again, my husband tells me I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

TO: Bawlmer quotes Jebediah Springfield: "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!" | June 23, 2008 12:05 PM

Capital idea!

Your noble spirit has indeed embiggened me, Bawlmer.

I will no longer Shamu the 'Zards every day with the entire list.

smooches

Those who want to ban the word pony from Celebritology are a bunch of dingleberries

I've seen that Celine Dion/Anastasia clip on YouTube. It's bad, but there are worse covers (e.g., Taco's "Putting on the Ritz," Madonna's "American Pie").

The NYT obit of George Carlin called him: "the balding but still pony-tailed comic." What kind of tail was that again?

"So far, [Minnie Driver] has said little about the father, except to reveal that he's also British and 'sort of in the same business.'" I assume that leaves out Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern, and any of Christie Brinkley's exes.

Anyone got any good pranks lined up?

Posted by: epony | June 23, 2008 11:47 AM

I was going to t.p. the blog but now I can't see through all this cr*p.

I wanna say pony too!

"Did he consider, oh I don't know, going to cops at the time this actually happened? That article doesn't say. It's like my suing a teacher now for a bad grade I got in college 20 years ago. What's the point?

Posted by: td always loves a good baltimore reference | June 23, 2008 12:23 PM"
___________________________________

Oh td, you dear, sweet, innocent child! The point, of course, is to squeeze a fat settlement check out of Hempy McHarrelson.

FLASH!

We need to round-up some dingleberries and get some info on the new, revolutionary "Speedo LZR Racer".

It's best feature seems to be that the Beckhams of the world will no longer have automatic, preeminent standing in the skeevey beach wear world.

George Carlin was really funny before he sobered up and cleaned up. Then he just became angry.

We need to round-up some dingleberries and get some info on the new, revolutionary "Speedo LZR Racer". ---Curmudgeon | 12:52 PM

No matter how confident I am about my body image, there's no way in [enter choice(s) of seven dirty words here] I'm putting my dingleberries in this:
http://www.speedo80.com/lzr-racer/products/male-bodyskin-no-arms/

i thynk that the pony thing is silly and dumb. u gusys should come up with somethng else.

I think parazzi status of the victim should be an affirmative defense to criminal assault. However, I read this blog :)

luvlinsey,
Normally I think you are ok, but only a real dingleberry could think ponies are silly and dumb. Get thee gone, pony hater. And you KNOW you are just jealous of the ponies and how cool they are.

PONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONYPONY

Boy...those had been building up for a looong time now & when ponies get backed up it's just not a pretty site.

**lesigh**

I don't care if Cusack's coked out or not, just as long as he can speak. As a matter of fact, coke might help with that!

But seriously, I think the dude is just super articulate & smart. A rarity in Hollywood today.

I'm also gonna miss Carlin. I used to have his "stuff" routine memorized back in jr. high. He was a good, funny man that will be missed.

I actually like the Speedo LZR, I think it serves the purpose it was designed for very well.

However, I still like to wear my red Speedo every now and then.

No matter how confident I am about my body image, there's no way in [enter choice(s) of seven dirty words here] I'm putting my dingleberries in this:
http://www.speedo80.com/lzr-racer/products/male-bodyskin-no-arms/

Posted by: dontluvspeedos | June 23, 2008 12:58 PM

***********

Also, it's £320 ($626)! I'd rather pay the fine for showing up at the Y nekkid.

For Pony!
FWIW: The 25th anniversary of My Little Pony was this past weekend. In honor of the anniversary, I would like to see celebrity ponies. Can you imagine Amy Winehouse in pony form? Comes with gobs of eyeliner, big hair, and removable cigarette*.

*Note I did not say what was in the cigarette.

Will the substitutes be putting up an afternoon post, or just the morning mixes?

To all who might consider wearing a Speedo:

The name implies that the suit makes you swim fast. If you're not swimming fast enough for me not to see you, wear something a little more discrete.

Thank you.

Sappho, that reminds me of working in a store on Atlantic Ave (Va Beach) during my teen years. There were musicians every half block or so, and the guy outside my store the every night for the whole summer was the accordion dude. As if my job didn't suck enough...

Posted by: RiverCityRoller | June 23, 2008 11:54 AM

Hah! Yes, nothing like repetitive music on annoying instruments to make your workplace a living nightmare.

I think we need to add the names of Liz's cats (cat?) to the Glossary.

Sappho, that reminds me of working in a store on Atlantic Ave (Va Beach) during my teen years. There were musicians every half block or so, and the guy outside my store the every night for the whole summer was the accordion dude. As if my job didn't suck enough...

Posted by: RiverCityRoller | June 23, 2008 11:54 AM

Hah! Yes, nothing like repetitive music on annoying instruments to make your workplace a living nightmare.

I think we need to add the names of Liz's cats (cat?) to the Glossary.

Well, the 'Zards have spoken:

No Speedos - no way, not now, not ever!

( . . . especially not in a public place where byoolin would be tempted by the speedo vs. propper nacked conundrum)

Unless worn by Beckham or his ilk (what's an "ilk" anyhow), speedos are banned from Lizard Beach forthwith.

Very well, I can abide by the no speedo rule, so long as I don't have to go all neck to knee.

I would guess that ilk is the singular term for a member of an entourage; in that manner, it would be possible to have a herd of ilk.

I hope I may continue to show up at the beach in my Toga.

Re the glossary--shamued is also public humiliation (shame) for celebrities. And a yetzillion is a boyzillion (yetzillian/boyzillian?) for cryptids. (Sorry--there should be a "p" in there--no pun intended.)

On to other important things. I wonder why all the secrecy about Minnie Driver's baby. Is the daddy some weirdo? I guess it isn't Criss Angel, but if he's indicative of her taste in men, it could be someone really strange. I'm thinking maybe the uber-odd Russell Brand. . .

TO: Dorkus Maximus and Groovis Maximus.

I hereby propose that the youse Maximii be called by your full, honored, Roman names, thus proving your proper membership in the Maximii clan:

i.e., Dorkus Maximus Saurus and Groovis Maximus Saurus

Hate the pony-hater, not the pony.

re speedos. I would like to add a caveat that the wearing of speedos is not only OK, but encouraged for, you know, competitive swimmers and divers. I watched some of the Olympic diving trials and I had to keep reminding myself that these were mostly teenage boys - Wow, Mrs. Robinson, Wow!

"The couple had tied the knot - in their sweats! - with a family pastor in Virginia earlier this month." --Us magazine

What a poorly written sentence. It sounds like M/M Timbaland couldn't figure out how to cinch a drawstring without seeking outside help from a minister.

You want ponies? Oh, I got yer ponies right here:
http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2008/06/omg-ponies11.html

Ha! Ignatius Reilly! Byoolin, did you go to college in the South?

Maybe they could make a pull-away-speedo that a parrot strips off of you by grabbing rings in his beak :) It would be totally hott :)

I think we need to add the names of Liz's cats (cat?) to the Glossary.

Posted by: Sappho | June 23, 2008 1:31 PM

**************

Andy = cat
Page = dog

(At least we're not including her dad's name, right?)

George Carlin was one of a kind and a brilliant satirist/critic of popular culture. I especially like some of his routines that dealt with language, even when he wasn't talking about his famous list of dirty words.

A particular favorite of mine was an old routine I saw him do on TV back in the early 1970s about the telephone. ("Aren't you glad his name wasn't Alexander Graham Siren?")

Someone above mentioned Carlin's Church of Frisbeetarianism with it's beliefs about what happened when you died. In one part of the telephone routine, he talked about being "on hold," and what that meant -- not the same as being on alert, or on call or on tap. Then he wondered what happens if you die while you are on hold. Does your little blinking light go out?

Thanks for years of making people laugh, George. Your little blinking light will never go out, as long as people listen to your CDs and keep laughing.

I hope I may continue to show up at the beach in my Toga.

Posted by: Groovis Maximus | June 23, 2008 1:39 PM

*************************

Groovis, just make sure you don't get sand up your toga.

Sigh, no college in the South, but A Confederacy of Dunces is one of my all-time favourite books.

It's worth the purchase price for Ignatius' letter to "Mr. I. Abelman, Mongoloid, Esq." alone, which still causes my valve to protest at my extended seizures of laughing.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

luvlinsey is jus jealus of cool peepel who like ponys because they are alsome.

Oh, and as far as the parrot act goes, Sigh, I'm sure even Burma Jones could only say "Oo-wee!" at *that* sight.

I read "A Confederacy of Dunces" while in law school in New Orleans. I loved the part where he ate all the hot dogs in his Lucky Dog cart. They still have Lucky Dog carts, but not being a big fan of food poisoning, I would not buy a hot dog from one. I met several people in New Orleans that reminded me of Ignatius. What a great book.

I just want to say again that I am not luvlinsey. It took me way too long to create the typo filled post above and my fingers were itching to make corrections the whole time.

How about a moment of silence to the late Dodie Goodman, who died at 93 years young.

Note to self: reading jes' tagline too fast can lead to unintended (or maybe intended given this bunch) humor.

I swear it read "Jesus loves ponies." Which is so true.

George Carlin came and did a show at Georgetown when I was there--the seven dirty words list was up to about 150--couldn't believe he could remember them all. I loved his "stuff" routines. Man was a genius. Sad to see my list of stand up faves lose a member. RIP motherf#$%^&%!

Thank God for Stephen Wright.

Alex, have you ever seen or heard Russel Brand do a routine? I've only seen him in interviews and "Sarah Marshall" and he's a riot--was wondering what he's like on stage.

That's a shame about Dody Goodman.

It's weird to look her up on IMDB and one of the first things you see is her measurements - 38-23-37. I usually try not to look at 93-year-old women that way.

The funny thing about Carlin's 'stuff' routine was that when I did it, it was s***.

You want ponies? Oh, I got yer ponies right here:
http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2008/06/omg-ponies11.html

Posted by: h3 | June 23, 2008 2:01 PM

I needed that. Thanks.

It's weird to look her up on IMDB and one of the first things you see is her measurements - 38-23-37. I usually try not to look at 93-year-old women that way.

Posted by: Mary byoolin! Mary byoolin! | June 23, 2008 3:08 PM
------------

HA! Aw man, you crack me up (again!). When I saw the earlier post about Dody, all I could hear was her voice saying, "Mary Hartman! Mary Hartman!"

That, and watching Dody cry as she hit the four keys of the xylophone in the office toward the close of the school year in one of the "Grease" movies. RIP.

George Carlin was really funny before he sobered up and cleaned up. Then he just became angry.

Posted by: Stick | June 23, 2008 12:58 PM

*************

Well, but he also became that train conductor guy (after Ringo left the gig). It was always a bit disconcerting to me--I kept waiting for him to become disoriented and/or POd and start cursing out the kidlets.

I swear it read "Jesus loves ponies." Which is so true.

Posted by: ep | June 23, 2008 3:02 PM

Nono, ep. You're mistaken.

It's Clay Geighken who loves ponies. He also loves jesus and kittens, so it's an understandable confusion.

Dody Goodman as Martha Shumway (Mary Hartman's mother):

-------------
Martha Shumway: Yes, yes, things can always be worse - like my uncle Wilbur, who used to work in a cardboard factory. He came home one day with a splinter in his finger - just a little bitty old splinter. But it turned out that he had blood poisoning.

Charlie Haggers: Well, that's terrible.

Martha: And next day, they amputated his leg.

Charlie: On account of a splinter in his finger?

Martha: Oh no, no, not because of that. They found a growth in his leg.

re speedos. I would like to add a caveat that the wearing of speedos is not only OK, but encouraged for, you know, competitive swimmers and divers. I watched some of the Olympic diving trials and I had to keep reminding myself that these were mostly teenage boys - Wow, Mrs. Robinson, Wow!

Posted by: sunnydaze | June 23, 2008 1:43 PM

You and me both, sunnydaze. I love watching the swimming events at the Summer Olympics. I try to restrain myself and just ogle the over 21 year olds, so that I can legally buy them a drink in my fantasy world.

And, speaking of ponies, I had one as a child.

Ditto re Russell Brand. Only in the film and in interviews (talk shows and impromptu bits with stalking paparazzi). Honestly, I have no idea what to make of him. He seems like a Jack Sparrow caricature--but also nice and funny as all get out.

Anyway, he gets my (not serious) vote for Minnie's daddy baby.

In our house, the order of "Shining Time Station" conductors goes something like this:

1. George Carlin...He actually voiced the individual characters like Cranky the Crane, James, Scottish twins Ben and Bill, Sir Topham Hatt and his lovely wife.

2. Ringo Starr...his proper British accent was like hearing the stories read by their creator, Rev. W. V. Awdry.

3. Alec Baldwin...you've got to be kidding.

Make that Minnie's baby daddy.

And can't you just hear Baldwin yelling at those poor kids telling them that they're ungrateful pigs and that Thomas the Tank Engine just crashed.

Well, I guess he could be Minnie's baby daddy--he's a self-proclaimed sex addict so I imagine he's worked his way through half of Great Britain by now ;-) I guess I'll scan through you tube or something and see if there's any performance video.

Apropos of nothing much, I have one cat in my lap kneading my stomach and another splayed out across my desk. I can't get any work done. Any suggestions?

"Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle..."

I swear it read "Jesus loves ponies." Which is so true.

Posted by: ep | June 23, 2008 3:02 PM

Nono, ep. You're mistaken.

It's Clay Geighken who loves ponies. He also loves jesus and kittens, so it's an understandable confusion.

Posted by: Sully | June 23, 2008 3:24 PM

I beg to differ but according to a claymate, Clay loves unicorns. It hasn't been proven that Clay loves ponies but the unicorns get a pass.

Apropos of nothing much, I have one cat in my lap kneading my stomach and another splayed out across my desk. I can't get any work done. Any suggestions?

Posted by: hermespal | June 23, 2008 3:38 PM

***********

I'd say you need another cat.

Apropos of nothing much, I have one cat in my lap kneading my stomach and another splayed out across my desk. I can't get any work done. Any suggestions?

Posted by: hermespal | June 23, 2008 3:38 PM
=========
Clearly, the are asking you to play the Amy Winehouse talks to mice video for them.

I beg to differ but according to a claymate, Clay loves unicorns. It hasn't been proven that Clay loves ponies but the unicorns get a pass.

Posted by: petal | June 23, 2008 3:41 PM

Aw, $*%!- you're right. Thanks.

Sad thing is, I just went back to check on that. I think I should probably find some work to do now...

Thanks byoo--I actually want to get another one sometime soon as these guys both turned five this year and I want to get some age separation in my furkin.

I don't have the heart to shove Zabu off my desk. Guess I'll just have to hang around here for awhile.

Incidentally, Pierce Brosnan is going to be the next narrator for Thomas and Friends. But George always has my heart. It's amazing how warmly he voiced all of the characters.

Oh man, MoCo--I had finally gotten that image out of my head! *shudder* I cannot link to anything Amy Winehouse, she just skeeves me out completely.

Yes, Russell Brand claims to have received awards for shagging. He didn't specify the basis for the awards--endurance, quantity, speed, technical merit, artistry, etc.

As amusing as he is, he does look like he's wearing Amy Winehouse's hair, which is not a good look for anyone.

Re your cat predicament, they are *trying* to tell you that they want to take a peak at the following site, but you just aren't responding quickly enough.

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

On a final note, I do hope one of our substitute teachers, I mean guest Celebritologists, is Producer Paul. That time long ago that he filled in for Liz producing Gene's chat was hilarious. He let all kinds of stuff through that Liz would never have permitted. Good times.

Sully,

You don't need a corner. I remembered it, now that is sad.

I second the vote for Producer Pat, if only for th copious Scarlet Johnasson links.

I don't think I want to ponder on *why* Clay loves unicorns anymore.

Sully, please don't go back to rocking back and forth, tho--we were getting worried about you. . .

Funny site, Alex! I've already shown them this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3U0udLH974

and the translated version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JynBEX_kg8

;-)

I have dogs so they are unable to sprawl across my keyboard, so when they want my attention, they use their nose to lift my hand off the keyboard or the mouse.

NPR just played Carlin's Stuff routine...good stuff.

Regarding Clay Gaiken, doesn't he also love rainbows? Something like Jesus, unicorns and rainbows. I'm afraid to go back and look.

Welllll I guess I can be convinced to stick around a little longer.

To pay my way, a little George Carlin:

For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile and interfere with nature...so when nature strikes back and smacks me in the head and kicks me in the nuts, I enjoy that.

More George:

I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic f**king hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.

What's the real deal with ponies?

(Answer if you dare.)

hermespal, your Zabu doesn't happen to be a youngish Maine Coon, does he? I know someone with 2 cats, one of whom is a Zabu.

There was a huge rainbow visible during commuting hours hereabouts last Friday. I tried so hard to catch up to the end of it, because I knew Clay would be there, frolicking with his kittens and riding his unicorn.

Jesus, I wasn't so interested in meeting.

The deal with ponies is this: we all had older sisters who had nicer stuff than us like sweaters, and bicycles and stuff, and they got to have pony lessons, but when we came along, all the money was gone, so we didn't get any pony lessons. Now that we are older, and our sisters are old, fat, and divorced and we're not, we try to rise above it and be gracious, but g*ddammit, we still want a pony!

If it usually takes decades of smoking cigarettes to develop emphysema and Amy Winehouse has managed this in only a few years, I think I have a new advertising campaign for the tobacco companies:

"Cigarettes: not as bad for your lungs as smoking crack cocaine."

re speedos. I would like to add a caveat that the wearing of speedos is not only OK, but encouraged for, you know, competitive swimmers and divers. I watched some of the Olympic diving trials and I had to keep reminding myself that these were mostly teenage boys - Wow, Mrs. Robinson, Wow!

Posted by: sunnydaze | June 23, 2008 1:43 PM

******************

Oooo. Me, too.

Wow, I'd forgotten about George Carlin as Sir Topham Hat; he was great. He also did a great football v. baseball bit.

"IN FOOTBALL, YOU WEAR A HELMET"
"In Baseball, you wear a cap"

"In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line."

"In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor7.shtml

Remember, Ladies:

Many fat, hirsute men were once studly young gods in Speedos.............................

...but I was not one of them.

For epony: My Zabu is a red somali. Your friend must have read Kazar comic books as a kid too, his faithful sabertooth tiger sidekick was Zabu. My lap companion is Tavi, a ruddy somali who bears a resemblance to a certain mongoose...

Love love love the football/baseball Carlin!

My experience as the older sister is that the younger kids inherited parents who were painstakingly broken-in by we oldies.

The "Ps", therefore, were a lot more easy-going and tolerant. My younger siblings got to go to Bermuda with the "Ps" where Dad even rented them mototized scooters to get around while they were there!!!!!

And, no, I didn't get a pony either.

Bitter? Moi?

You betcha.

I love them all even though they're spoiled brats (not to be confused with Beckham's brat).

urp.

I mean "us" oldies

Don't forget piano lessons, summer camp, school trips, etc.

My sister and I were arguing just today about who had the better lunchbox. She did. Hers was pretty, just like her. And she's still pretty and half my size. (But that's just because she's so darn short. Haha. She's a little midget woman in the land of the Amazons.) It's a good thing we love each other.

It's also true that the older ones tend to wear parents our for the younger ones. I could do no wrong no matter how many times I had to be bailed out of jail, got in trouble for skipping school, crunched the car, passed out of the front lawn, etc. By then, anything I could come up with just looked so tame, I guess. It drives my older sister crazy. It *so* makes up for the pony.

Jesus, I wasn't so interested in meeting.

Posted by: epony | June 23, 2008 4:27 PM

-------

And with talk like that you never will missy!

byoolin and an ignatius j. reilly reference. what could be better, other than the thought of dingleberries jammed into a $600 speedo. ignatius j. is one of the great literary figures of all time. whoa!
i've read through the comments many a time in the past but until today did not really have a good sense of all the players. what a group of funny, witty, people, led by byoolin. i'm not funny but will try to sharpen up to stay somewhere in the vicinity of this group.

I'm the oldest too, when I was a teen back in the good ole' 80's, my mother constantly harped on me, "don't get pregnant, I ain't takin' care of no babies". Suddenly that changed when my youngest sister became a teenage mother. Now she's the doting grandmother. So where's my well-deserved pony?

Maybe we girls ought to slink over to the OP blog and hash out our miserable childhoods (sans pony).

I wanted a pony soooooooo bad, too.

Oh I know. I didn't get a pony because I was BAD. We could have kept it in the garage. Or the basement. My parents were seriously neglectful.

To stop any more disrespect of Clay from you Clay haters, let me set the record straight: Clay only loves kittens, rainbows, unicorns and Jesus.

Now you horrible people can leave Clay alone and go back to celebrating that potty-mouth George Carlin and ogling boys in skimpy bathing suits.

Sheesh, Liz is gone for a day and the p*ny prohibition is apparently lifted!

It was worth clicking through on the Christie Brinkley story just to see another picture of Tiger with little Sam. What a cutie.

I, ummm, had a pony. Sorry. Can I still post here? If it's any consolation, my parents were a. not rich, and b. totally clueless. They just recognized an opportunity to shut up the pony crazy daughter when they spied some ponies for sale on a little farm next to the library.

Summary: buying your 9 year old a little unbroken stud pony is perhaps not the wisest indulgence. Nor is taking horse rearing advice from a 9 year old. But hey, they got points for trying.

If it weren't for all those brothers and sisters, my parents would have bought me a pony. It would have been all black except with a white mane and tail and it would have loved me more than anything. And it would have let me ride it all over the neighborhood and maybe I would have let my friends take a turn. Probably not.

So you were curmudgeonly as a child?

Yes, I was a Curmudgeonette as a child.

I come from a long, proud line of cranky, out-of-sort types who wouldn't get their firstborn daughter a pony.

I used to have a really nasty little Shetland pony that liked to bite me on the butt. He never actually hurt me...but every time that little bas***rd bit me, my Dad would laugh like crazy. When Dad had Alzheimer's disease, he couldn't remember my name, but he still remembered that stupid pony biting my @ss.

I never got a pony even though we lived on a farm. Something about the parents not wanting to take care of it. I promised them I would feed it and care for it. Why didn't they believe me?

Oh and thanks Achin for Clay for giving us permission to ogle fit young men in speedos. Oh my.

Carlin on getting old:

"... the best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. 'But it was your daughter's funeral' 'I forgot!' You can even make believe you have Alzheimer's disease. It's a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, 'Who are you people and where is my horse?' And you look at your eldest son and you say, 'Agnes, I haven't seen ya since First Communion!'"

Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country?

My bratty younger sister has 2 ponies now & won't let me have one. No it does not matter one bit that we are grown and live in different states.

TO: jes | June 23, 2008 5:47 PM

Owe the humanity!

I hope her ponies bite her in the a$$.

Pretty funny, epony.

I think a lot of us may have read Misty of Chincoteague and wanted a horse/pony, but few actually got one. I'm not sure if I really could have handled one. One place we lived did have a horse farm/stable across the street and some of my neighborhood pals kept their horses there. One of them put me up on her horse for an impromptu lesson and it didn't go well. I had realized before then that I'd be that high off the ground on a living creature with a mind of its own. I was never afraid of heights before--I could sneak in and out of the house from a second story window with no problems at all, and could climb the tree to the roof with nary a jitter. But the roof didn't move or reach back and try to bite my leg for fun.

So, my brief career as a budding horsewoman ended ignominiously with my jello legs and refusals to re-mount.

Sorry about your Dad, anon at 5:42.

All those little girls who played with "My Pretty Pony" were in for the shock of their lives when they lifted the mane of their real, live pony:

dingleberries!

Brush them off, sweetie! Never mind the horseflies.

Apologies for the bad timing of the Carlin quote, anon at 5:42--I was off site and came in and posted it before I saw yours. I chose it because of the horse line and all the talk of ponies. Sorry about your Dad.

My favorite George Carlin bit was "Dogs and Cats". F###ing meow!

I never asked for a pony - all I wanted was a freakin' cat. And did I get it? No. I got, like, houseplants. Maybe I should've asked for a pony, then agreed to settle for a cat.

h3, you must have felt pretty stupid sitting there teasing an African Violet with a ball of yarn.

At least my parents got my brother and I a little sister.

h3, you must have felt pretty stupid sitting there teasing an African Violet with a ball of yarn.

At least my parents got my brother and me a little sister.

Ignore the 'my brother and I' post.

When we finally have the Lizard meet up we keep talking about, I suggest we have pony rides available.

Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country?

Posted by: Manya | June 23, 2008 5:47 PM

He was a beautiful pony and I loved him!

My spoiled country husband had a pony and a horse. The pony really liked him and would follow him around, even up on the front porch. I never got my pony, but I have moxie! When I was 11, I marched down to the stable and agreed to muck stalls for free horse rides. And that's where I met the Judds...

i begged for a pony, but to no avail. however, my mother's family farmed and lo and behold, uncle leonard had a shetland pony named prince. he would nip as you'd get on but the joy of riding was worth that brief unpleasantness. as an adult, i bought a paint horse that resembled prince in color. he threw me about a year ago. painful. still have him.

Of course byoolin is luvlinsey. Byoolin was absent all morning on Friday and then posted at 11:28. Luvlinsey who was also absent all morning was the very next post. Bushie went to war on less evidence than that.