Alas, Where Was My Trainwreck?

So they've split the first round into female/male and no one totally crashed and burned on day 1 of "Dancing With the Stars," which is.......disappointing. What is the world without a total implosion to assess??? (There is the issue of Drew Lachey continuing the total career revival, but we digress...)

We have, however, learned very valuable things:
a) Starving yourself into supermodel state means, ahem, no muscles. Not good, so pack your bags, Ms. Josie Maran.
b) A 56-year-old woman can wear a backless dress and get away with it, and then some (hello, Jane Seymour)
c) Please put your children to bed before text voting hour because the tween universe already has too much power and Ms. Cheetah Girl (aka Sabrina Bryan) is about to rule the world.
d) Marie Osmond showed way too much thigh and will never win, but can she please, please, PLEASE stay on the show long enough for Donny to make a guest cameo? Could there be anything more cheesetastic?
e) Is it terrible to admit all we really want to see is how Wayne Newton fares tomorrow, given that he's been paired with Ms. Fabulous Cheryl?

-- Jennifer Frey

By Jennifer Frey |  September 25, 2007; 7:27 AM ET Dancing With the Stars
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