'Dancing': We Don't Need No Stinkin' Writers
Come for the dancing lessons, stay for the life lessons.
Oh, time and time and time again we lapse and are hoodwinked into thinking that competition shows are all about the performances. We're simple that way, like a Lab puppy that keeps forgetting that a sprint onto kitchen Linoleum will send it careening wildly off-course -- not unlike the hyperkinetic Cameron
Mathison skidding along the dance floor, come to think of it.
But at least for a week, the big-pawed Cameron is "safe" -- as are we, thanks to these relearned lessons Tuesday night:
1. There Are No Free Lunches -- Even if They're Tainted
Marie Osmond (aka Drama Spice) might win a sympathy point or two with her fainting spells and tales of "Eight Is Enough" motherhood. But Jane Seymour's food poisoning? Not so much. One week after her botulism-related ambulance exit, the conservative, quick-stepping Lady Jane (aka Old Spice -- but please, say it with affection) got the boot. The judges wanted more body contact (translation: less "Somewhere in Time"; more "Wedding Crashers") and more fireworks (translation: more Anthony "Zorba" Quinn; less "Dr. Quinn"). A wee bit sad to see the elegant and radiant Jane go, but at least the Charmin-like streamers on
her dress can double as tissues to dry them tears.
2. We Don't Need No Stinkin' Writers
If other reality shows produce this many deft one-liners, the striking WGA hard-liners might want to reconsider this whole stoppage business. We speak of course not of hosts Bergeron and Harris, but of ESPN funnyman Kenny Mayne. Looking like an escapee from the "Waiting for Guffman" set (paging Corky the choreographer) in shiny makeup and upper-lid "guyshadow," Mayne had some of the night's best quick-wit pivots during the "DanceCenter" segments with Judge Len and Jerry Rice (aka Rice Spice). Said Mayne of Seymour's digestive woes: "Don't buy your sushi from a filling station." (Yes, it was funnier live and with "mancake makeup." Trust us on this.) And Mayne humorously offered TeleStrator video scribblings as if he were John Madden trapped in the mind of Perez Hilton.
3. There's No Crying in Television. Only 'Weeping' and 'Misting,' Please
The results show opened with the sad-and-serious news that Marie Osmond's father had just passed away, and that Marie would not be appearing during the night's episode (and that she was "safe" from elimination ---- and odd and awkward juxtaposition if ever there was one). Not a half-hour later, though,
"DanceCenter" was joking that Marie has "75 children." Not in the poorest of taste, mind you --- just a life-lesson reminder that on reality shows, if not in reality, time indifferently marches on after a personal loss. Yes, even on ABC, there's no "Good Mourning," America.
Is Mel B. on her way to the 'Dancing' crown? (ABC/Carol Kaeson)
4. The Taller They Are, The Harder They Fall
We open the floor to inquire: Does a six-footer ever stand a chance in these dancing competitions? From Apollo to Lachey to Emmitt, none sniffed six-feet tall. (And no, we don't count a restaged dance-off with "Seinfeld's" Peterman.) So the still-standing (at 6'2") Cameron (aka Hyper-Spice), who was chided for
his energy (what was that Len said about putting Kryptonite down his trousers?), seemingly must overcome The Great Dance Curse of the Six-Footers. Good luck with that, Cam. Meantime, you might want to work on those fainting spells and wildfire excuses.
5.Without Proper Warning and Protective Ray-Bans, Sudden '80s Flashbacks Can Cause Trauma
Okay, our kind hosts Bergeron & Harris did fairly warn us of the upcoming breakdancing by Rock Steady Crew (yes, even we ourselves seriously "experimented" with poplocking and head-spins back in the day). And the sultry moves of a routine -- during one of guest-warbler LeAnn Rimes's two numbers -- only somewhat conjured flashbacks of the "Solid Gold" dancers. But the sudden reappearance of Edyta's Benatar-esque leg-warmers during the jive number? Gah! Even Spicoli woulda freaked. (The Rx: Take two Cure songs and call VH1 in the morning.)
6. And Finally... Mel B. Has This Thing in the Bag
Yep, Mel has fully become "Scary-Good Spice." Her perfect-score paso doble was performed again on the results show, in what Judge Len called "the dance of the season so far" -- and help offset her first-dance score of 24. (For those who missed it: All contestants performed two dances this week: one
ballroom, one Latin.) Only smooth-and-improving Jennie Garth (aka Post-Baby Spice, who came through on the waltz, prompting comparisons to a "water nymph") seems to have even a faint prayer of catching her, but it's a dim and distant dream. (And despite his love of the samba this week, Helio can only hope for a top-three finish.) So we'll put all our chips, and '80s memorabilia, on Scary-Good Spice to win. Any other finish than that, not even a striking writer could dream up. Or Kenny Mayne.
-- Michael Cavna (aka Nosh Spice)
By Michael Cavna |
November 7, 2007; 7:49 AM ET
Dancing With the Stars
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Posted by: "Nosh Spice" | November 7, 2007 12:49 PM
That partnership - Mel B and Max C - has all of the dramatic tension that's ultimately unleashed when they're performing. No, it's not a love thing - it's more about about personalities, culture perhaps, and perfectionism. Both Leila Ali and Mel B have told Max - as seen in the practice videos before the actual performances - "You're picking on me!" He's a demanding choreographer / dancer who has depth and desire to mine "life" - he just needs the partner who can "go there". Leila was close to - but Mel B is - the perfect partner. She's really good, and has the personality to perfectly pitch fire and ice (that rumba and that pasa doble). Mel B and Max do best with dances that demand the ability to portray emotional range and conflict.
Max will have an incredible career as a choreographer/dancer - he knows how to tell THE STORY.
Posted by: DanaDashing | November 8, 2007 09:17 PM
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This just in today regarding the mourning Marie Osmond, who has decided to keep competing. Osmond, BTW, mentioned her father Monday after she performed her boogie-woogie number, which she said was in tribute to her parents:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/07/AR2007110700967.html?nav=amv