Countdown to Football: Name That Zorn

Today is an excellent day for two reasons, the first of which being that it's Friday. Second, there are just nine days -- and nine "contests" -- to go until Redskins training camp is open to the public.

Today's contest is all about the art of the nickname.

Ever since I can remember, which would be any time before or after my sophomore year at Maryland, people have been calling me "Bonita" in reference to this little ditty. It's certainly not the greatest Tribe song of all time, but the moniker has stuck throughout the years.

Just a few other great nicknames of our generation: Lights Out (Shawne Merriman, for his ability to knock your lights out and then dance a cute little jig), Jasno (in reference to Jason La Canfora's tendency to juxtapose letters) and The Cheese Boy (Tony Kornheiser's "I'm jealous of new media" name for Dan Steinberg, who has an affinity for cheese). Sure, there are others, many far more brilliant than the three I named, but you get the idea.

Rookie Redskins Coach Jim Zorn seems like a nice enough guy, which is why I resent the fact that he's being referred to all over town as "Z-Man." (Thank you, Sherman Smith.)

When I hear "Z-Man," I think of "Z-Pak," which is the medication I took one time for laryngitis. It failed to work, and I had to get a prescription for something else. Therefore, when I hear "Z-Man," I think of failure. That's no nickname for a first-year coach whose livelihood hinges upon not failing.

Don't worry, though -- there's still time to turn this thing around. Together, we can come up with a better name. It's got to happen soon, before Antwaan Randle-El dreams up something as horrifyingly awkward as "the Gibber."

So here's the deal: Crowd Noise is having a Name That Zorn contest.* A yet-to-be-determined panel of judges will choose the winning nickname, which will then replace "Zorn" in every future Washington Post headline.**

Post your suggestion in the comments, along with your favorite Tribe song. There will, of course, be those inevitable commenters who say, "This is stupid. It doesn't matter what Zorn's nickname is as long as the Redskins win." You do have a point there, but you don't win friends by making points; you win friends by thinking of hilarious nicknames and loving A Tribe Called Quest.

*If the Redskins, Jim Zorn or fake contests aren't your bag, check back in later for a post about the delinquent Nationals ownership. Fun for the whole family!

**Please, you think I have that kind of pull? I can't even get past security in the Post's lobby. But I will honor the nickname in every blog entry.

By Lindsay Applebaum |  July 11, 2008; 12:37 PM ET  | Category:  NFL , Redskins
Previous: The One Where We Start Counting Down to Football | Next: Wannabe Sombrero Guy on the Loose


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If "Z-Pak" means failure, I think that will be an appropriate nickname for our head football coach. I really, really hope I'm proved wrong, but I doubt it. That said, if it turns out that I'm wrong, I'll do a few shots of tequila to make it up to everyone.

Posted by: P Diddy | July 11, 2008 12:53 PM

It HAS to be "The Zornster"

A Tribe Called Quest? Sheesh.

Posted by: bornafan | July 11, 2008 1:22 PM

I like "Children of the Zorn"

Also, A Tribe Called Quest is my favorite rap group of all time, so I must comment...

Lindsay gotta put me on...

By the way I will be at the Rock the Bells Festival at Merriweather with A Tribe Called Quest on July 28th!!!!!

Posted by: sicwidit | July 11, 2008 1:37 PM

Z-Ness de Milo

Presumptive 2009 Redskins Head Coaching Nominee?

Oh and Merriweather...Don't drive outta that place wasted.

Posted by: Dewey Killinmee | July 11, 2008 1:44 PM

how about Zorna the Geek...

opens up a whole soundtrack of music to get the crowd going and whenever the line opens a big hole they can celebrate by linking arms and doing a little dance....

Posted by: mdrockjock | July 11, 2008 2:26 PM


Posted by: chris larry | July 11, 2008 2:29 PM


I'm looking the Redskins to be explicit and down right nasty this year.

Oh and my fav Tribe called Quest songs are: "Scenario" and "Can I Kick It".

Posted by: 90's Babee | July 11, 2008 2:40 PM

yes you can!

Posted by: chris larry | July 11, 2008 2:41 PM

How about: QB formerly known as 10 or QBFKA10

Posted by: Alex35332 | July 11, 2008 2:42 PM

How about:

Zorn in the USA
Zorn Ultimatium (sorry cindy)

Burgundy and Gold
born hating Dallas ever since
You kneel before Zorn

Posted by: WaPoLiveFan16 | July 11, 2008 2:47 PM

His nickname could start out with "The Zorn Identity" since we don't know how the Skins will perform with him at the helm. The we could interchange Zorn Supremacy or Zorn Ultimatum depending on how the team fares.

Posted by: Rob Potes | July 11, 2008 2:51 PM

Boren to Zorn

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11, 2008 2:54 PM

Two things: One, if I understand correctly, you were a SOPHOMORE in college when that song came out?! Wow, you're older than I thought. (Not an insult, by the way. I mean, you're of my vintage -- but looking at your pic at the top of the column I always thought of you as a kid). And two, as for the nickname: (in my best Austin Powers voice) Do I make you ZORNY??

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11, 2008 2:56 PM

I was NOT a sophomore in college when that song came out! Just when I got the nickname.

Posted by: Bonita | July 11, 2008 3:03 PM

This blog should be nicknamed "Bonita Appleblog" (I stole that from some other commenter on the Sports Bog).

Jim Zoren Kirkegaard (if the Redskins inspire fear and trembling)

I too will be at Rock the Bells. Yay!

This has been the most scatterbrained comment ever.

Posted by: Lindemann | July 11, 2008 3:04 PM

"The Zorninator"

Clarification on Bonita's age is required. I'm not sure I can continue reading this blog if she was really a sophmore in 1990. Doesn't that make her older than Tony Kornheiser?

Posted by: Papa Smurf | July 11, 2008 3:10 PM

What's the Zenario?

Posted by: Q-tip | July 11, 2008 3:12 PM

I'm Horny for Zorny.

Posted by: Cakes | July 11, 2008 3:16 PM

I was NOT a sophomore in college when that song came out! Just when I got the nickname.

Posted by: Bonita | July 11, 2008 3:03 PM

Oh, okay. So you ARE a youngster (as I thought). But let me ask you this: it took you until sophomore year in college to discover that song? That song is a classic!!!

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11, 2008 3:19 PM

First, Award Tour is my favorite song from A tribe called Quest

Second, Jim "Iphone" Zorn (at first its doesn't work, but then you keep working at and everyone loves it)

Posted by: Monty | July 11, 2008 3:19 PM

I'm sorry, what was this contest about? I just lost an hour and a half by hyperlinking to the ... an hour and a half I would gratefully spend again doing the same thing.

Is the Bonitabomb trying to out-hyperlink TheCindy at RI?

Posted by: dcsween | July 11, 2008 3:30 PM

I got it.

Wait for it...


(And I lived in El Segundo.)

Posted by: SportzNut21 | July 11, 2008 3:30 PM

Zojo (not really a nickname as much as what he brings to the team ... hats off to sfskin)

Posted by: dcsween | July 11, 2008 3:36 PM

How about "Zornocchio"? Not because he's a liar, but because he's a puppet to Snyder (who can hereforth be re-named "Geppetto").

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11, 2008 3:42 PM

Another nickname ... his real name is James Zorn ... maybe a catchy nickname like "Jim"?

Posted by: dcsween | July 11, 2008 3:48 PM

How 'bout "The Rock", cause his initials are J.Z.

Please people, don't think about this one too hard...

Posted by: DB08 | July 11, 2008 3:51 PM

Oh, and by the way..... "Scenario Remix" and "Bonita Applebaum" are the hottest Tribe Songs of all time!

Posted by: DB08 | July 11, 2008 3:52 PM

Papa Smurf,

Zorninator, as in Trogdor the Zorninator?

Little Jack Zorner?


Posted by: Nigel Tufnel | July 11, 2008 4:01 PM

I think it's really a question of which way a letter is displayed, it could be
Z or N

Posted by: EK | July 11, 2008 4:02 PM

Rip Zorn because that is what's going to happen after every game and it won't be funny either.

Electric Relaxation is the hottest Tribe song.

Posted by: LH | July 11, 2008 4:08 PM

and Check the Rhime

Posted by: LH | July 11, 2008 4:10 PM

I'm intrigued by the possibilities of 'The Zorn Ultimatum'. A no brainer really. How about:
Zorn to run
Zorn to be wild
Zorn Flakes
Dream of Calizornication

Best tribe song: "Phony Rappers"

Posted by: Labar56 | July 11, 2008 4:14 PM


Posted by: w&m | July 11, 2008 4:15 PM


Posted by: Stro | July 11, 2008 4:16 PM

You and I both know that his name is Z-Man, why on earth would you want to remove such an awesome nickname. This thread saddens me.

Posted by: Sherman | July 11, 2008 4:20 PM

Scenario(original and remix), We Can Get Down, and Award Tour are the best Tribe songs ever.

Standin on the wall with my Polo on
Talkin to the girl with the Liz Claiborne
Keep the poetry in my black knapsack
Got my Timbo horse and my Doublemint pack


Posted by: Hail! | July 11, 2008 4:21 PM

The Zornado

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11, 2008 4:21 PM

I'm a bit of a youngster myself (I was 9 when Bonita Applebum came out) so I tend to like things off of "The Love Movement" a little bit more.

That said as he's not super skinny (especially in comparison to his predecessor) so "Slim Jim" doesn't work, but he did take the head coaching job rather quickly, so I nominate "Whim Jim" or perhaps "The Whimsical Jimsicle."

Posted by: Andy | July 11, 2008 4:24 PM

Jim Zorn and the "Zorny Zorn's"

Posted by: PorkSkins | July 11, 2008 4:28 PM

zornerial disease

Posted by: Terp fan | July 11, 2008 4:36 PM

There is no Dana, only Zorn.

Posted by: Fred Smoot | July 11, 2008 4:42 PM

Natural Zorn Thriller
Electric Relaxation

Posted by: Ghitza | July 11, 2008 4:51 PM

"Check The Rhime" (okay, anything from Low End Theory)

Zorn Supremacy

Posted by: Akoma_Design | July 11, 2008 5:46 PM

"When I hear "Z-Man," I think of "Z-Pak," which is the medication I took one time for laryngitis. It failed to work, and I had to get a prescription for something else."

Laryngitis is almost always viral. Antibiotics would not be expected to do anything for it. If the second unnecessary antibiotic seemed to work, it's because the virus happened to get better on its own at the same time you were taking the antibiotic.

Posted by: mc | July 11, 2008 5:47 PM

Coach Z
Coach JayZ

I won't say your contest is stupid, but if he can lead us to the promised land next year or sooner than never, I'll call him Lord Zorn!

Posted by: CT in Sterling | July 11, 2008 5:57 PM

Da Da Da Ti Da I'm Zornin It.

Posted by: Skins4Life | July 11, 2008 6:21 PM

This is going way back, but seem to recall some eons ago during Zorn's playing days a son was about to be born, and the papers, in pursuit of a catchy headline, wished him to name the son Bjorn, simply so they'd be able to put in bold type on newsprint, "Bjorn Zorn Born".

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11, 2008 6:31 PM

How about simply "JZ" or if you must "Jazzy JZ"

And I had no idea that The Cleveland Indians had a musical (sort of) group.

Posted by: DaMan | July 11, 2008 7:18 PM

You people need to get a life.

Born 2b Zorn

Now, so do I.

Posted by: Luigi "The Nose" Victor | July 11, 2008 7:21 PM

But wait, I've got an even better one:

the Zornheiser

Posted by: Luigi "The Nose" Victor | July 11, 2008 7:26 PM

mc, you're a nerd (in the nicest way possible).

Posted by: Bonita | July 11, 2008 8:30 PM

yeah, big time. But thanks for saying it nicely...

Posted by: mc | July 11, 2008 9:41 PM

The Zornicator

Posted by: Papa Smurf | July 11, 2008 9:57 PM

After having numerous arguments at Maryland with people over the best Tribe song, I was expecting your link to go to either "Scenario" or "Award Tour".

Congratulations for getting it right. I am so moved, I'll even attempt a Zorn nickname.

Sadly, my mind is stuck on the first thing that comes to mind whenever I read "Zorn":


Come on, Fifth Element? Gary Oldman plays the character as, essentially, Ross Perot + Dick Cheney. Come on!

Posted by: Chest Rockwell | July 11, 2008 10:18 PM

Man, I rode this whole thing in reverse and was hella surprised to
NOT FIND: Zorn Dog.
Soccer Insider is all Molly Hatchet, and Depeche Mode...
Is crowd noise the hot spot for the Hip Hop Oldies?
On the serious though: Rest IN Peace Camu Tao!!!!

Posted by: Dadryan | July 11, 2008 11:04 PM

Amateur Zorn

Zorny Toad

Zorn Ultimatum

Zorn on the Cob

Posted by: the_squire | July 12, 2008 8:50 AM

Best Tribe Songs Ever In ORDER!!!!

Honorable Mention: "Lyrics to Go" (# 13) on Midnight Maruaders

5. "Can I Kick It?"
4. "Hot Sex on A Platter"
3. "Award Tour"
2. "Scenario" (orginal or remix)
1. "Electric Relaxation"

Posted by: sicwidit | July 12, 2008 8:55 AM

Its gotta be Horny for Zorny

Posted by: SillayMalney | July 12, 2008 2:30 PM


Posted by: Maynard | July 12, 2008 5:46 PM

Hardcore Zornography

Posted by: Walking Deadman | July 12, 2008 9:44 PM

The hottest Tribe song is "Award Tour," btw. In order:

1. "Award Tour"
2. "Scenario" (original)
3. "Can I Kick It?"
4. "Jazz (We've Got) (Re-Recording)"
5. "Hot Sex"

I'm pretty sure I'd write a different list if I were to rank the best Tribe songs. But those are the hottest.

Posted by: Lindemann | July 12, 2008 11:00 PM

I often feel boring at weekend. Maybe i am tired of being alone. Anyone there want to meet sexy black beauty to bring life some changes? Let's mingle at __u k i n t e r r a c i a l m a t c h . c om___, where black white boobs hotties, black white beauties and black white guys meet for fun&love!

Posted by: Kelly | July 13, 2008 9:10 AM

While I tend to think "black white boobs hotties" makes for a stellar nickname, the fact that Kelly omitted a favorite Tribe song should disqualify the entry.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 13, 2008 9:52 AM

It must be Zornstar. There is no contest since Cooley has endorsed the name and the Mottrams came up with it.

Zornstar, the rest of this is nonsense.

Posted by: JDP | July 13, 2008 3:13 PM

Well, given that he wasn't exactly the first, second, or third choice of the brain trust, how about Plan Z?

Posted by: Ootek 1 | July 13, 2008 3:52 PM

Who deserves the nickname "black white boobs hotties"?

Posted by: Lindemann | July 13, 2008 9:12 PM

While I've never met JDP and even ignore his emails on occasion, I've got to agree with him on this one. It's well nigh impossible to top Zorn Star.

That said, Crowd Noise might have the greatest-ever inter-WaPo-sports-blog crossover total this week. Flynnie, JDP, the RI gang, Dadryan, WaPoLiveFan16, about combining all the juice from the mind. And seriously, are there only 30 people reading this Web site?

Posted by: Dan Steinberg | July 13, 2008 9:50 PM

Since we're on the old school rap tip, I'd like to add that we're all "Zordinary People".

Don't get Zornery with me about it, I was only having some fun. Gotta run though, my ladyfriend is over and we're gonna get down to some freaky, nasty...


Posted by: spectre | July 13, 2008 11:17 PM

I became significantly more likely to comment on this blog when Bonita told us she went to Maryland. Yes, that's how much of a homer I am.

Posted by: Lindemann | July 14, 2008 9:21 AM

Also: Friedrich Nietzsche's "Thus Spoke Zornathustra," in which Zornathustra embraces the will to power running and the eternal recurrence of high offseason hopes.

Posted by: Lindemann | July 14, 2008 9:28 AM

Dan, this blog is my new window into the consciousness of the Internets. The cross-section of intellectual giants who congregate here is staggering. Why Lindemann's last two posts alone have raised the level of discourse here by an estimated 47.4%.

Posted by: P Diddy | July 14, 2008 10:56 AM

Zorn on the Cob?

Sorry P Diddy I just lowered discourse by 13%

Posted by: chris larry | July 14, 2008 11:08 AM

The Great Zorn Holy-O?

(reduced by a further 17.8%)

Posted by: Beavis | July 14, 2008 11:50 AM

Wow, it's the famous P Diddy!

I might claim that my posts raise the level of discourse if I weren't so certain that no one actually reads them.

Posted by: Lindemann | July 14, 2008 12:46 PM

I read them, Lindemann. Go Terps.

That's right, I'm all over these here Internets.

Posted by: Bonita | July 14, 2008 12:49 PM

I'm a hot black single girl, I feel lonely... What I really need is love, Feel free to chat with me on "Mixed mingl e . c o m" where i upload my photos and many black or white singles seeking love online.

Posted by: carrie | July 15, 2008 4:27 AM

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