My Final Love Letter to DCU Fans
(And where have all you DCU fans gone? Srdan, some guy named Vlad, Duffman, SEKim, Bryan76? All vanished into the offseason ether. Sad. Only Chico and Kim remain. Will any DCU people be at Wednesday's Maryland men's soccer home game? Do pro soccer fans get into collegiate soccer? Apparently the Terps have a fairly robust student fan club known as the Crew. Can I get an invite to hang out with some Crew members on Wednesday?)
Anyhow, DCU had some final team meetings yesterday, and I got an urgent call from Kyle Sheldon of DCU's peerless PR staff, who told me that I needed to come to RFK, stat. Bobby Boswell had brought in a video tape of his childhood appearance on the Nickelodeon show "GUTS," and he and Kyle and Alecko Eskandarian were getting ready to watch the tape.
About an hour later, I was in the DCU players' lounge while Kyle rewound and fast-forwarded the ancient tape, trying to find the part where little kids ran wearing funny uniforms and helmets ran around on obstacle courses. In the meantime, Esky and I had a bitter back-and-forth ping-pong showdown that I barely lost. It was, like, 21-19 or something like that. Maybe 21-18. Or 21-17. Or 21-16. Or something like that.
The video tape came with a yellowed slip of paper that said, "Bobby TV Star." There used to be several copies of the episode, but Bobby's college friends had somehow stolen them. While Kyle rewound and fast-forwarded through an old AMC interview with Dustin Hoffman and various black-and-white movies, Bobby realized that Esky was going to watch.
"I don't want him to see it," Bobby said. "He'll kill me."
"That's why he's here," Kyle said.
In the meantime, Bobby gave us the backstory. The episode was filmed in 1994 in Universal Studios. Bobby was about 11. One of the girls he was competing against, the dominant Robin, turned 14 that day. Bobby got involved through his older brother, who was supposed to compete on "Global GUTS." Somehow Bobby finagled a tryout of his own, even though he didn't meet the minimum weight requirements. He convinced the producers to let him try the audition events, which started with a soccer ball dribbling test. He passed. There was also a swimming test, and Bobby's mom was a swim coach. He passed that, too. He came back later for the taping, which took about 13 hours. Bobby says everyone on the set hated him. Also, producers told the competitors to play to the cameras, which is why he kept saying "Hi mom" throughout the entire episode.
Finally, after some commercials for Gladiators and Simon and Erector Set, we got to the show. The show's awful host, Mike O'Malley, introduced the three competitors. There was the dominant Robin. There was Jennifer, the "Jaguar." Finally, Mike asked, "Will Bobby 'Lightning' Boswell strike when the moment is hot???!!!" (Answer: No.) And we saw a fresh-faced, apple-cheeked, purple-clad, flax-haired young Bobby, mugging for the cameras. Esky started
howling, not for the last time.
The first event was called "Rebound." The competitors had to jump off individual pedestals, bounce with their bungee cords and grab a basketball from another pedestal. The dominant Robin kept ripping the ball out of young Bobby's hands. Once, he whiffed entirely.
"You are awful," Esky said.
"It's not my fault, I couldn't get up there," Bobby said.
"But you're not anywhere near it," Esky said.
"Dude, the cord pulls you," Bobby said.
The dominant Robin easily won "Rebound." Bobby and Jennifer finished with zero rebounds each.
"That's so embarrassing," Esky said.
"I couldn't even grab the ball in practice," Bobby said.
"Look at your hair," Esky said.
The next event was "Extreme Baseball," a baseball-themed obstacle course that involved climbing a fake Green Monster and other similar stunts. The dominant Robin finished in 49.1 seconds. Jennifer failed. Bobby, who went last, told us he thought he had it made. (His memories from this event are amazingly lucid.) But he struggled with a few climbing stunts and time ticked on.
"Figure it out!" Esky yelled at young Bobby.
"Hi mom" young Bobby said.
The dominant Robin won the event without breaking a sweat. They showed her post-event interview. She was bland but confident.
"I wonder what she's doing right now," Kyle said.
"Probably a CEO," Bobby said.
"Probably in the WNBA," Esky said.
United midfielder Jeff Carroll showed up to join the festivities. The next event was Skurfin' Safari, which involved a sort of surfboard race up and back a liquid straightaway. The dominant Robin's time to beat was 25.7 seconds. Bobby needed more time than that to reach the halfway point.
"Maybe because your goggles were in your eyes?" Esky suggested.
"What's wrong?" Kyle wondered as we watched a flailing young Bobby.
"I'm terrible," Bobby said.
Bobby finished last, 21 seconds out of second place. Then came his interview.
"YO! I'm Bobby Bosworth. To prepare for 'GUTS' I trained hard in my Tae Kwon Do class, because I thought it would make me mentally and physically ready to compete," Bobby said as Esky howled and sprinted to the TV to rewind it. We watched this at least four times. Old Bobby insisted that Young Bobby actually said "Boswell" and not "Bosworth," but Esky disagreed.
"I knew my own name," Bobby said.
"You said Bosworth," Esky said.
"Maybe the tape's warped," Bobby said.
"When did you change your name?" Kyle asked.
The next event involved bungee jumping off a ledge, kicking a soccer ball off a pedestal and trying to get it into a goal. Young Bobby kept missing the ball. Then he slammed into the ledge and dangled for about 15 seconds, arms waving helplessly. The camera eventually cut Bobby out of the picture and concentrated on the two girls.
"I couldn't do anything," Bobby said.
"You are [bleepin'] embarrassing," Esky said. "What the hell, man?"
"I couldn't reach the thing," Bobby said.
"You're not trying," Esky said.
Eventually you could see Bobby complaining to the producers. This was also something of a theme in the episode. Whenever things went badly, he complained. But somehow, Bobby was declared the winner of this event. He made two kicks. We rewound and watched him slam into the ledge again and again.
The last event was another obstacle-course type event up the "Giant Crag," a smoking, flashing monstrosity. Bobby was already mathematically eliminated--which he claimed he realized at the time--but he was a game competitor, and literally a split-second before the dominant Robin reached the summit, a flash of purple lightning named Young Bobby Boswell flew into the picture and slammed his hand down in victory. He finished second overall. He kept pumping his arm into the air on the victory podium. At the end, he thrust both arms into the air.
"That's awesome, man, that's awesome," Esky said.
"I haven't felt that embarrassed in a while," Bobby said.
Esky gave us his final verdict.
"I think it's kind of cool that you were on 'GUTS,'" he started. "I think it's pretty funny that you lost to a girl. But the thing I'm most disappointed about was your whining. What was it called, Surfing? Skurfin' Safari? Who complains about Skurfin' Safari? I think maybe you needed to concentrate more on your Tae Kwon Do class to get physically and mentally prepared. No, no, it was a good effort."
Then Esky and Jeff Carroll played ping-pong. Trailing 9-11, Esky guaranteed victory. They bet lunch. Esky fell behind 16-20, scored five unanswered points and won, 23-21. He screamed in victory. Jeff Carroll put his head in his hands. Esky voted for either Quizno's or Chipotle for lunch.
I asked the guys about their offseason plans. Esky is going to Vegas to watch his boy Vanes 'Nightmares' Martirosyan in a super welterweight fight against Juan Carlos Salgado, and is also visiting Europe, Charlottesville and New Jersey. Bobby, who was raised in a military family and is constantly doing events with children, volunteered to go to the Pacific to do soccer clinics on military bases. Esky wasn't sure if he'd watch MLS Cup this weekend; "depends how I feel that day," he said. Bobby will be in Dallas, receiving his award for defender of the year. I asked Bobby whether he'd miss the team in the offseason.
"Yes and no," he said. "I'll miss them because they're my buddies, but I'm with them all the time and it's good to get away. I won't miss Kyle at all. I won't miss Esky, although I'll be excited to see him when we get back."
Then Bobby reconsidered.
"No, I'll miss Esky," he said. "He's a good guy. He means well."
Here's hoping the Bog survives long enough for us to continue this story in a few months.
By Dan Steinberg |
November 9, 2006; 3:11 PM ET
| Category:
D.C. United
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Posted by: Kinney | November 9, 2006 03:29 PM
Still here, Dan. And still reading.
I'm a huge Terps fan, and Ludwig has a great atmopshere. The kids in the Crew have been slowly learning how to do the soccer support thing over the last few years. Definitely go.
Posted by: Paul | November 9, 2006 03:39 PM
Our Bobby was on GUTS? Oh wow, I actually remember that show. For kids, it was actually pretty cool. Well, I thoguht it was anyway.
Please do come out to the game at Ludwig, though there's no garuntee you can get in with the Crew. The stands behind the goal are fairly small and they keep very close track of the numbers up there. Oddly enough, a buddy of mine from the soccer games and the women's basketball games started alot of those cheers a few years ago. Not at the school anymore, but it's good to see the legacy lives on.
Posted by: EricS | November 9, 2006 04:02 PM
I'm still reading. I was just drunk for most of the past three days.
Posted by: D | November 9, 2006 04:10 PM
Anyone out there have any info on Gomez' MVP? Shouldn't it have been leaked by now?
Posted by: Matt | November 9, 2006 04:14 PM
As a Maryland student i would highly recommend you to see a Terps soccer game. Great atmosphere. I posted something on the crew website about you being interested in coming to Wednesday's game. Hopefully someone will get in contact with you. If not not I would recommend going to the game an hour before it starts to get the best seats and to sit with the crew.
Posted by: soccergo9 | November 9, 2006 04:15 PM
Thanks, now I have the GUTS theme song stuck in my head.
Duh-duhhhhh, duhduhduhduhduh, duhduhduhduhduh, GUTS! (repeat forever)
Did Bobby get to talk to Mo?
Posted by: Chest Rockwell | November 9, 2006 04:28 PM
Best. Bog. Ever.
Posted by: Eddie C | November 9, 2006 04:32 PM
As if the Cosmo Shoot wasn't embarassing enough...
Posted by: SE Podcast | November 9, 2006 04:34 PM
THE CREW SAID:
"I respectfully disagree."
Forgive me, but why can't the Maryland thought police do the same thing to its horridly racist, sexist, classist, and just all-around N.O.K.D. basketball fans that it does to its futbol supporters?
Posted by: Section 103 | November 9, 2006 04:36 PM
I'm still here too, I've just been swamped all week putting the finishing touches on the SE MLS Cup trip to Dallas this weekend (53 people going, you'll see the big banner on tv!). Also trying to get well before Sat (the late night emailing to the SE membership and early morning banner painting has caught up with me and I've fighting a virus all week).
I'll have more time to play here after this weekend! (well, for a few weeks, then 2007 SE planning starts).
K
Posted by: SEKim | November 9, 2006 04:36 PM
When can we expect this tape to be up on YouTube? Surely you put Esky up to the idea!
Great stuff. If you get desperately bored in the offseason I'm sure no one would mind if you tagged along with the Barra for an offseason event or two. We'll be mostly drinking, probably with a theme, like bowling or golfing to make it seem more legit.
Posted by: DrunkCajun | November 9, 2006 04:46 PM
Don't worry Dan, we're still around, just wallowing in sorrow..... and booze right now.
Posted by: Brava Rookie | November 9, 2006 04:47 PM
As the other part of the Romantic Couple, I'd just like to say that I'm still here too, and you know?
I sure could go for some fine fine cheese right about now. :D
Posted by: Riz | November 9, 2006 04:47 PM
C. Gomez has just won the MLS MVP Award. I wish DC United could be playing in the final on Sunday. Oh well, there is always next year.
Posted by: Todd | November 9, 2006 04:48 PM
Still here also. Was at United squaring away the last of this season's stuff. Will have our first off-season Barra Leaders meeting next Friday night. No off season for the Elders!
College soccer is slow and without any skill or inventiveness, I'd rather watch paint dry.
But I will get to see mighty Forest twice in December! The Barra's "Sister Club" is in first place in the League One and is on their way back up the League where the belong
Posted by: Big Rob | November 9, 2006 04:48 PM
It's been fun Dan. I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing about the Hoyas. I'll drop you a line when we have our preseason Barra Blowout. Wear your helmet.
Posted by: Chico | November 9, 2006 04:51 PM
For those West of the Potomac, who may not want to make the drive over to MD, please head out to George Mason University's Field House in Fairfax on Saturday to support the men's soccer team.
They're also hosting a first round matchup versus Bucknell in the 2006 NCAA Division I Soccer Championship.
The game is Sat., Nov. 11 at 1 p.m.
This is the first time since 1996 in which the Patriots have received a berth and the seventh time in school history.
Go Mason!
Posted by: SteveWWJ | November 9, 2006 04:54 PM
Just another "I'm here". Got you on my RSS feed reader. And the terps? WVU in the second round of the NCAA soccer tournament next Wed. night. Go 'eers!
Posted by: Dave | November 9, 2006 05:01 PM
What, no trip to Fairfax to watch another magical run in the NCAA tourney by a GMU team?
Oh, and you have to do some more digging about Adu's trip across the pond.
Posted by: Kevin | November 9, 2006 05:02 PM
I hope they went to Quizno's, Chipotle sucks!
Posted by: Patrick | November 9, 2006 05:13 PM
Still here Dan. I'm a big fan of college hoops. Hope you'll be boging on those guys.
Posted by: DB | November 9, 2006 05:28 PM
Still here Dan and by all means head out to Ludwig for Terps soccer. The atmosphere is great and they are defending national champs!
Keep up the great work Dan!
Posted by: Rack D.C. United! | November 9, 2006 06:05 PM
Is Andrulis going to start Dante Washington for Mason now that it is the post season?
Posted by: Kinney | November 9, 2006 06:46 PM
Do fans of pro futbol watch NCAA soccer? Some are fanatico even about the college game. I can't stand the incredible rules where players get subbed out and can come back in, a lot of the players' first touches are completely dreadful, the clock counts down and at the end there's always some annoying PA announcer counting down: 10, 9 , 8 ...
[Did I mention that I HATE PA systems at futbol matches? They're too tempting for some MLS clubs to launch commercials during the game and they also use them to drown out the traveling supporters, e.g., Columbus Crew Stadium.]
Good luck to the Terp futbol firm. If you are known as the Crew, please consider changing your name so that we are not reminded of bumblebees, crewzers and that master of futbol strategy, Greg Andrulis. 8-)
Posted by: GrillMaster | November 9, 2006 07:04 PM
Hello, Dan. I'm writing as an authority regarding the GUTS taping, because I was there for the entire 13 hours. Bobby didn't defend himself enough to Alecko. You see, I wondered why they had a height and weight limit for tryouts for this show. They actually made an exception for Bobby because he scored so well during the trials. However, when they didn't have shoes small enough to fit him, I knew there could be some other issues, and there were. The weight limit was for the bungee events, and there were two of them. Bobby didn't weigh enough to be able to bounce back up to the launching pad. The girls were 2-3 years older, much heavier, and they had no problem with the bungee events. On the surfing event, Bobby was too short, so his surf board didn't even reach the water. He had no traction because he was just hovering above the pool. So, despite the fact that they waived the requirements for him, his age really did hurt him in the end.
BTW - The whole reason we went to the GUTS tryout was so his brother could participate. Bill scored so well that he was chosen for the global competition, but then he broke his arm ice skating just before the taping and couldn't do it. But I wasn't up for another 13 hours in the small "parent's" room anyway.
Thanks for your insights into the team's off field antics this year. It has been fun to read.
Posted by: Susan Boswell (Bobby's Mom) | November 9, 2006 07:17 PM
There was this election thing, so I was sort of busy the last few days... this is classic though. The Bog better stick around for next season!
Posted by: Joanna | November 9, 2006 07:50 PM
Hey Ms. Boswell, shoot me an email at steinbergd@washpost.com when you have a second, thanks.....
And for the record, Bobby did very much try to explain all of those things. I think we all understood that, objectively, he was at a disadvantage; girls develop more quickly than guys, and these girls were quite a bit older than Bobby. Deep in his heart, even Esky would admit that it wasn't a fair competition. Still, you have to admit, those shots of Bobby failing to bounce high enough are pretty funny.
Posted by: Dan Steinberg | November 9, 2006 07:52 PM
"My Final Love Letter to DCU..."
"Here's hoping the Bog survives long enough..."
What are you trying to say here, Dan-o? Are your editors furrowing their brows because you're not getting 100 comments per blog entry like some other blogs around these parts?
Don't you dare.
Posted by: Reader Glenn | November 9, 2006 08:04 PM
Oh Jesus Bobby. Cosmo was cool, GUTS was kewl, but now your mom?!
Mrs. Boswell are you calling pubescent girls fat? :)
Dan, good stuff. Let Esky know I tried to pull him out of his funk by wearing similar head gear to his on Sunday - but unfortunately to no avail...
2007 - Star #5
Posted by: Bryan76 | November 9, 2006 08:09 PM
aww I want to see that episode really bad! and I hope the bog lasts too, Its been GREAT! its embarrassing but for a while there I was checking everyday for a new one! thanks Dan.
Posted by: | November 9, 2006 08:11 PM
hehe I have the videotape of my high school production of Grease hidden deep in the bowels of storage for this very reason. I love the Eskie commentary. It's been a great Bog/United experience. Can't wait for next year!
Posted by: Maggie | November 9, 2006 08:19 PM
Like Chico said, as long as you keep Arizona State in the news, er, aw hell, I'm not doing much until United starts up again. I'll keep reading/commenting.
Welcome Mama Boswell (or is it Bosworth? Bobby seems a bit confused). Please send Dan any incriminating/hilarious material.
Posted by: Kim | November 9, 2006 08:27 PM
God I love the internet...
great post.
They should do a GUTS reunion show. Where are they now? Or you should have the DCU players recreate the Skurfin...just to embarrass Bobby again.
Posted by: Columbia Heights | November 9, 2006 08:42 PM
Great stuff! I've enjoyed the bog all season and I'm definitely still in. You know I'm a big Caps fan so I'll be checking back frequently. I think I'll be going to the MD football game this weekend, then possibly leaving early (depending on the score) to catch the Caps game. I will definitely be at the Caps game on Wednesday too. You have my info. Give me shout when you'll be hitting a Caps game.
Posted by: Duffman | November 9, 2006 08:56 PM
dan,
end of the season sucks, one has to regroup and figure out what to do with his time. other sports just don't do it for me.
i'll probably spent saturdays painting banners for next year or maybe it's time for some new hobby like offseason cheese tasting, any suggestions? :-)
btw, tomorrow night 11/10 a few of us getting together for some happy hour action at buffalo billiards by dupont circle. all are welcome...
cheers.
Posted by: vlad | November 9, 2006 08:56 PM
Bobby was on GUTS? That explains so much....actually, no, it doesn't. But still. I used to want to be on that show so bad....of course I would of been way worse then young Bobby.
Keep up the great work Dan...
Posted by: Steven(Rimando's Army) | November 9, 2006 09:05 PM
Those DCU fans headed to the MD-Miami game, drop by section 19, Row EE seat 9-10 and say hey. I'm in the row after the guy in the gorilla suit. He's in Row DD. Great atmosphere in 19. Go Terps!
Posted by: Bill-DC | November 9, 2006 09:55 PM
good blog. great laughter. thanks for that!
Posted by: SierraMist13 | November 9, 2006 10:20 PM
Dan, good work. You have to get into soccer worldwide as well (i.e Champions league, EPL, US National team, etc). Soccer fans are dying for more writing on this...
Posted by: Futbol Worldwide | November 10, 2006 09:18 AM
Hey Dan,
Thanks for the insights into the very human, very funny side of DCU and its players. Great stuff! I know I'm a bit biased, but United has the greatest players on and off the field.
Good luck to the Terps and GMU. Also to the William and Mary (Go Tribe!) women's team who plays Navy (also have to say go Navy!)
Posted by: Dan | November 10, 2006 09:33 AM
Heading to Fairfax tomorrow to watch Mason take down Bucknell. Go Mason!
Posted by: Keenan | November 10, 2006 09:44 AM
Hey Bill, you're in my section! I'm way down at the bottom, Row C on the aisle next to section 20.
Wow, I'm not the only one doing the Terps-Caps shuffle on Saturday. Gonan be a busy day. I just hope ABC can keep their telecast moving fast enough to not bog things down like the Florida State game.
Posted by: EricS | November 10, 2006 10:30 AM
I'm around, we just need little break since it was a long season :D
Posted by: Srdan | November 10, 2006 05:24 PM
One of the American Gladiators at least could have handed Bobby one of those Greco Roman Q-Tips.
Great stuff.
Bog some.
Posted by: Dan Z. | November 10, 2006 08:20 PM
hilarious
Posted by: Rocko | November 14, 2006 02:04 PM
The comments to this entry are closed.
We're still here and still reading. You just haven't written anything this funny in a while. This was freaking hilarious. I have never been out to a college soccer game myself but I know a bunch of DCU fans are regulars.