Bobby Boswell Judges Your Cereals
Why are some of you accusing me of ignoring Ben Olsen's hat trick? Have you no faith at all? Later this afternoon, I'll have a post with some D.C. United teammates critiquing Ben Olsen's goal-scoring celebrations. Don't doubt me. In the meantime....
A few weeks back, I mentioned how Bobby Boswell aka the Cereal Whisperer believes you can judge a person by their Top 5 favorite breakfast cereals. Many of you wrote in with your Top 5 cereals, for Boswell's perusal. Today, he offered some commentary. After the jump, because this is exceedingly long for breakfast cereal analysis.
Person: Kim
List: Honey Nut Cheerios, Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, Honeycomb, Raisin Bran, in no particular order
Boswell's Take: Kim is very simple. Kim is not adventurous at all. Kim basically conforms, she's a conformist. She goes with what everyone goes with. I mean, everyone in the world has tried those five cereals, and the fact that she hasn't thrown in even one [change-up] means that she's, I'm not gonna say boring, but I'm willing to bet she also likes the Yankees and whoever wins the Super Bowl every year.
Person: Mike in SD
List: Berry Berry Kix, Fruity Pebbles, Puffins, Honey Bunches of Oats
Donkey Kong, Jr. (they obviously don't make this anymore, but it was the greatest cereal ever so I had to include it.)
Boswell's Take: I think Mike in San Diego is a little more on the feminine side. He probably lays out a lot in San Diego. It's nice weather. And I'm willing to bet he shaves his legs. Honey Bunches of Oats, he threw a healthy one in there, but he probably doesn't even like Honey Bunches of Oats. And the fact that he has Donkey Kong Junior, a cereal that no one has ever heard of--and he knows that they have never heard of it because he justifies it--just means that he's the exact opposite of Kim. He probably doesn't like anything normal. He probably likes the Kansas City Royals and probably the Cleveland Browns. He roots against Tiger Woods. He's just anti-conformist, an oddball.
Person: Chris in SS (Or, "Chris in Shortstop," as Boswell would have it.)
List: (Though the order could change on a box by box basis.) 1. Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, 2. Cap'n Crunch Berries, 3. Apple Jacks, 4. Raisan Bran (2 scoops!), 5. Fruity Pebbles. Froot Loops receives an Honorable Mention.
Boswell's Take: Another indecisive guy. He put an honorable mention, spelled incorrectly. So obviously he doesn't know his cereals very well. [Steven Goff, attempting to conduct real journalism, then pointed out that "Froot" was correct. Bobby apologized to Shortstop and moved on.]
A box to box basis? See, this isn't what I'm going for. I'm counting on people having tried a lot. We're going to analyze him anyway. Frosted Flakes, simple man. Captain Crunch Berries, eh, that means he carried it over from his childhood. Same with Apple Jacks, because Apple Jacks is one of those your parents buy you. I don't like the two scoops of Raisin Bran. That means he's kind of picky. That's a little anal for me, a little meticulous.
Person: MDG (Or, "Miller Draft Genuine," as Boswell would have it.)
List: 1. Honey Nut Cheerios, 2. Smart Start, 3. Cinnimon Toast Crunch, 4. Apple Cinnimon Cheerios, 5. Kix
Boswell's Take: All right, we've got a lot of cinnamon here, they're a cinnamony type of person. That's not how you spell cinnamon, right? Well, we've already established that I can't spell, so no comment there. The Smart Start as their second one and the Honey Nut Cheerios first, kind of healthy eater, kind of all the way around. Pretty bland. Probably a dry person, probably a good sense of sarcasm, and then the Kix at the end means they're probably childish. Because if you eat Kix you probably like the dog commercial.
Person: SteveWWJ (Or, "Steve: What Would Josh?", as Boswell Would Have it.
List: 10 cereals, including a long story about devouring Honey Comb while watching cartoons with a friend, and some parentheticals: Crunch Berries (a.k.a. mouth shredders), Cinnamon Toast Crunch (even if it leaves a weird film on the roof of your mouth).
Boswell's Take: "Steve: What Would Josh?" is a stoner. Look, Crunch Berries, aka mouth shredders? Cinnamon Toast Crunch even if it leaves a weird film on your mouth? No buddy, that's cotton mouth. Smoking a little bit too much of the natural herb.
Really? Listen, if you're sitting around the house playing video games while [your] friends' parents aren't there, watching Transformers or cartoons, and you devour the entire box? Yeah, you're not sober. Look at his other ones, they're all kind of cereals you can eat a massive amount of: Golden Grahams, Honey Combs, Corn Puffs, Frosted Flakes. Frosted Mini Wheats not so much. That's probably to clean his system. Lucky Charms, he probably takes all the marshmallows and puts 'em in a ball and just devours the ball.
And then we found another comment from SteveWWJ about cereal: Oh, here he goes. His attention to detail? He's probably stoned right now writing this.
By Dan Steinberg |
June 13, 2007; 2:54 PM ET
| Category:
D.C. United
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Posted by: Kim | June 13, 2007 03:19 PM
For the record, I have never shaved my leg. And I don't know how I feel about what Bobby is insinuating...
Posted by: Mike in SD | June 13, 2007 03:35 PM
Man, I've never thought of smashing all the marshmallows into a ball...
I really need to try that!
Thanks for the advice Bobby!
Posted by: WhatWouldSteveWWJDo? | June 13, 2007 03:40 PM
But what does Bobby Boswell think about cheese? Especially a good Finlandia Havarti?
Posted by: G-Unit | June 13, 2007 03:48 PM
Kim--
You 'profess' to have "hate' of everything NYC Metro-Area...and yet, while blasting Bobby Bosworth, a footballer for DC United, you do NOT mention the New York MetroNoStars/RedBull..I think you are lying,and are in fact everything Mr. Bosworth says you are!!!! LOL
Posted by: JonInVB | June 13, 2007 04:03 PM
Not one vote for oatmeal (pinhead or old fashioned)?
Posted by: Kelly | June 13, 2007 04:05 PM
I'm interested as to what he would say about my girl friend:
1. Corn Chex
2. Cheerios (plain)
3. Shredded Wheat (the big shredded log kind, no sugar)
Actually, I know what he'd say. Because I say it.
Posted by: Viv | June 13, 2007 04:08 PM
Does no one eat Clusters anymore? This world gone mad...?
Posted by: Skin Patrol | June 13, 2007 04:14 PM
OK, so here are mine:
1. King Vitaman
2. Puffa Puffa Rice
3. Blueberry Oat Clusters
4. Grape Nuts Flakes
5. Pink Panther Cereal
Have at it!
Posted by: King Tuchas | June 13, 2007 04:16 PM
1. mueslix - purports to be healty but is pure sugar.
2. golden grahams - If jesus were a cereal, he'd be only slightly better than golden grahams. What, he's the lamb of God, it's not that far of a stretch to suggest he might also be the breakfast cereal of God?
3. Honey Nut cheerios - The bee freaks me out, but in a good way.
4. Lucky Charms - even if it makes me break out.
5. There is no 5. 4 Cereals should be enough for any man.
good work Dan.
Posted by: DCAustinite | June 13, 2007 04:28 PM
I think the funniest part about Bobby's write-up on Mike is that he's insinuating that Mike only has one leg.
Posted by: | June 13, 2007 04:45 PM
"SS" is for Silver Spring, although I am a big fan of the shortstop position. Thank you Mr. Goff, for the backup on the spelling of Froot Loops.
I have tried a lot of cereals, even more so of those that I put in my list. Frosted Flakes and Cap'n Crunch Berries are basically interchangeable on a day to day basis. They are sugary, delicious goodness, that is an excellent way to start the day. Fruity Pebbles was my sleeper pick- if I devour more of it, cereal #5 has a chance to move up the list. Proving your Cereal Whispererness, my girlfriend has long maintained that I am indecisive. I'd even say it's my biggest weakness, but don't go asking for her opinion- we can stop there. Gotta love the "2 scoops" in every box!
Posted by: Chris in SS | June 13, 2007 04:50 PM
I will honor this article by having Oh's for dinner tonight. They are a little rough on the mouth at first. The key is to let them soak in the milk for the right amount of time, 4 minutes and 20 seconds does the trick. They are delicious.
Posted by: onside kick | June 13, 2007 05:15 PM
mmmmmm...lifeeeeeeee
Posted by: Dave | June 13, 2007 07:25 PM
Well I must say. Bobby is spot on. I am kinda bland, with a good sense of sarcasm. I mean Steins interviewed he knows. And I can't spell for crap.
Posted by: MDG | June 13, 2007 08:29 PM
it's 5 minutes to midnight, and the Raisan Bran is coming out...
Posted by: Chris in SS | June 13, 2007 11:56 PM
How about:
1. Honey Bunches of Oats
2. Cookie Crisp
3. Rice Krispies
4. Honey Comb
5. Cocoa Puffs
Posted by: Melinda | June 14, 2007 11:46 AM
Boswell's Take: "Steve: What Would Josh?" is a stoner. Look, Crunch Berries, aka mouth shredders? Cinnamon Toast Crunch even if it leaves a weird film on your mouth? No buddy, that's cotton mouth. Smoking a little bit too much of the natural herb.
Word of wisdom to Bobby - you can never smoke a little bit too much of the natural herb.
Posted by: Bud | June 14, 2007 12:55 PM
The comments to this entry are closed.
Dude. Is that my list of cereals?
Bobby, I think Dan will can tell you that you're quite wrong in your pronoun usuage.
But Yankees and Super Bowl? Lisen here Mr. Guts Runner-up: I happen to hate everything associated with the NY metropolitan area. Mets, Yankees, Rangers, Devils, St. John's, PS 3282047387, whatever. And I've only watched one Super Bowl since 1992.
That's low dude. Keep your head on a swivel at the golf tournament.
;)