Archive: January 28, 2007 - February 3, 2007
This Week In OFFbeat Crime 02-02-2007
Tommy Vercetti they ain't. (Rockstar Games) It's Friday again and we're looking back on another stellar Week In OFF/beat Crime. Here are your nominees for the ever-popular Stupidest Criminal Award. The frontrunner this week is Trevor Doyle, of Ireland, who boosted a car to get back to jail after missing his deadline on a weekend furlough. The 25-year-old fell asleep on a bus ride back to the big house and woke up to discover he'd gone past his stop. For his efforts, he was given an extra six months suspended sentence. Next up we have Joshua Kay, of Wisconsin, who was arrested after attempting to pull over an off-duty police officer while a driving Honda Civic. The 28-year-old used a flashing red light and a siren to impersonate a police officer. It didn't work. But as with all acts of genius, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, which...
By Emil Steiner | February 2, 2007; 8:00 AM ET | Comments (2)
Aqua Teen Bomb Scare
Shake, Meatwad and Frylock Scare Beantown We Were Da Bomb! (Turner Broadcasting) Is there such a thing as bad publicity? On Wednesday, a misinterpreted marketing stunt, funded by Turner Broadcasting, created a terror scare in Boston. As many as nine "light-screen devices" were planted around the city to promote Aqua Teen Hunger Force, an animated show on the Cartoon Network. Though similar packages had appeared in other cities, Bostonians flipped, calling in bomb squads, shutting down the "T", closing roads and basically paralyzing downtown Boston. But after the smoke and mirrors cleared, it turned out to be nothing more than a devilish guerrilla marketing hoax perpetrated by a couple of messy-haired 20-somethings on behalf of the Adult Swim cartoon. The duo then gave a hilarious press conference after posting bail, at which time they ignored questions about the bomb scare and instead discussed hair-styles of the 1970s. Boston Mayor, Thomas...
By Emil Steiner | February 1, 2007; 5:06 PM ET | Comments (50)
Thursday Breakfast Bender
Welcome to February 1! On this day three years ago, Janet Jackson showed millions of Americans her nipple during the half-time show of Super Bowl XXXVIII in what Justin Timberlake characterized as a "wardrobe malfunction." Here's Your Thursday Top Six: 6) Anti-Stoning Rules Rile ImmigrantsIs it xenophobia or a lesson in customs? City councilors in Herouxville, Quebec, have laid out a list of "standards" for new Immigrants, which include instructions like "killing women in public beatings, or burning them alive are not part of our standards of life." You know, just in case you were planning something like that. 5) France To Study NappingAs if a 35-hour work week wasn't enough, France's health minister is now planning to investigate whether workers should be allowed to sleep on the job. The government will also spend nine million this year alone "to improve public awareness about sleeping troubles." Bon Soir. 4) Fiery...
By Emil Steiner | February 1, 2007; 8:00 AM ET | Comments (1)
Herpes Outbreak Slams Minnesota High School Wrestling
Teams Grapple Microscopic Organism And Lose What Burns Worse Than Mat Burns? (AP) A widespread herpes outbreak has forced the suspension of high school wrestling in Minnesota. (Could Ron Mexico have been passing through?) On Tuesday, the State High School League "banned competitions and direct contact between wrestlers in practice until Feb. 6," and they may want to avoid touching each other off of the mat, too. North Dakota teams will continue their seasons while remaining vigilant for signs of the merciless skin infection.This is the worst known sports pandemic to hit the Gopher State since a mass infection in 1999 pinned 63 athletes. To date, at least 24 wrestlers have caught herpes gladiatorum (gladiator herpes?), which is spread through skin-on-skin contact. According to experts and commonsense, wrestlers are at higher risk for contracting this virus, which can remain in the body for life. Typical symptoms include face, head and...
By Emil Steiner | January 31, 2007; 12:21 PM ET | Comments (14)
Wednesday Breakfast Bender
Welcome to January 31! On this day 17 years ago, over 5,000 hungry patrons gathered in the chilly predawn air of Pushkin Square for the grand opening of Russia's first McDonald's restaurant... "Capitalism, I'm lovin' it!" Here's Your Wednesday Top Six: 6) Underwear Rage InfernoIvo Jerbic, of Croatia, was so angry when he couldn't find a pair of clean underpants that he decided to toss his clothes in the garden and lite them on fire. As the 55-year-old later explained to police, "my wife never throws anything out, I just lost my temper." Unfortunately for him, the sartorial pyre spread to his house, which then caught fire and burnt to the ground. If only he had heard of the undergraduate inside-outside-front-and-back technique, perhaps this tragedy could have been avoided. 5) System Victimizes Rape SurvivorPolice in Tampa arrested at 21-year-old rape victim en route to a nurse examiner's clinic because they...
By Emil Steiner | January 31, 2007; 7:51 AM ET | Comments (2)
Breaking News: Greasy Streaker Gets Shocked
Newest Nominee Taylor Killian Exemplifies The Essence This Award Stupidest Senior Prank Ever?It took two Taser blasts for police to stop an Ohio high school senior streaking his cafeteria, Monday. That's because Taylor Killian had coated himself in grapeseed oil before running through Westerville North High School "screaming and flailing his arms." When an administrator ordered him to stop, the shaggy haired 18-year-old "made a sexual gesture and kept running." The lunch period monitor, Officer Doug Staysniak, then zapped Killian who fell to the ground but somehow managed to get back up and continue freaking out fellow pupils with his berserk gyrations. A second blast eventually felled the greasy prankster who has been charged with "inducing panic, public indecency, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct." However, his Groundskeeper Willie antics also earn him an automatic nomination in Off/beat's Idiot of the Year Awards....
By Emil Steiner | January 30, 2007; 2:22 PM ET | Comments (25)
Bush Bans Kim Jong-Il's Toys
Now Go To Your Room, And Think About Disarmament! Carrots, Sticks and Courvoisier? (AP) "Clean up this mess or I'll take away your iPod!" How many times has that threat been uttered in American homes? Well, it now appears that the Bush administration has taken a page from Parenting 101 and applied those same adolescent motivational tools to its international diplomacy efforts. On Friday, the U.S. Commerce Department put a ban on the exportation of iPods and luxury goods to North Korea in an effort to pressure Kim Jong-Il to give up his nuclear weapons program. Banned items include designer clothes, cognac, jet skis, pimp rides and bling of any kind (nsfw). Psychologists call this form of discipline negative punishment. Parents take away their children's toys in order to encourage them to behave appropriately. It is a fairly basic tool of parenting, preferred because it leaves the onus on the...
By Emil Steiner | January 30, 2007; 10:46 AM ET | Comments (4)
Tuesday Breakfast Bender
Welcome to January 30! On this day 346 years ago, the body of Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England, was exhumed and subjected to the ritual of a posthumous execution. After decapitation, the disinterred corpse was thrown into a pit, while his severed head was displayed on a pole outside of Westminster Abbey for about 25 years. On that pleasant note, here's Your Tuesday Top Five: 5) No Ticket!British Airways stowaway found DOA. A pilot at Los Angeles International Airport was conducting a routine inspection when he discovered the body of a 17 or 18-year-old South African male in the front, right wheel well of a 747-400. The FBI has determined that the young man froze to death during the 10-hour flight from London. 4) Brace YourselfOrthodontists beware! According to a new study out of England, straightening kid's teeth with braces "may improve their smile but it is no guarantee...
By Emil Steiner | January 30, 2007; 7:41 AM ET | Comments (1)
Science Teacher Booted For Anatomy Drawing
Commonsense Lost In Yonkers? Anatomy of a crime? (Evan Abramson) In yet another glowing moment for America's public schools, a Yonkers health teacher has been removed from his classroom and placed on administrative duty because he asked seventh-grade students to draw male genitalia during a sex-ed. class. Jeffrey Kirby is now facing termination for his lesson ice-breaker, which involved students coming up to the blackboard and rendering phalluses in chalk. Apparently the exercise made some pupils at PEARLS Hawthorne School uncomfortable, and they complained to their parents who, in turn, complained to school officials. On Friday, it was announced that Superintendent Bernard Pierorazio would ask trustees to fire Kirby, who's methods were characterized as "not appropriate." Of course, sex education has always been a touchy subject in American schools -- a delicate endeavor requiring sensitivity for all parties involved. That being said, the actions of the Hawthorne School's administration raise...
By Emil Steiner | January 29, 2007; 11:01 AM ET | Comments (14)
Monday Breakfast Bender
Welcome to January 29! Approximately three years ago today, a 60-foot sperm whale exploded on a busy street in Taiwan, showering cars and people with blood and internal organs. On that appetizing note, here's Your Monday Top Six: 6) Sweden Gets A Second LifeSweden has announced plans to become the first country to establish an embassy in the online world of Second Life. For those unfamiliar, Second Life is an online fantasy world inhabited by some three million alter-ego residents with a fully functioning economy, culture and a thriving sex trade. Sweden's virtual diplomatic headquarters will serve "as an information portal for" users seeking documents in the real world. 5) Firefighting Arsonist Paul Joseph Sloan, a former firefighter from North Charleston, South Carolina, was fined $200 after he and a girlfriend had sex in an unfinished house. The 26-year-old responded by allegedly setting fire to the structure, and he is...
By Emil Steiner | January 29, 2007; 7:49 AM ET | Comments (3)
