Monday Breakfast Bender
Welcome to September 24th! On this date 117 years ago, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially renounced polygamy.
Here is your Monday Top 5:
Future News Prediction: Kato Kaelin makes his triumphant return as a witness in OJ Part Deux.
5) Hippie-Pimp Jesus Not Kosher
Despite advertising to the contrary, Jesus may not have really been a hippie or a playboy. According to Belgium's Catholic bishops, notions of messiah-chasing groupies lusting after a miracle-makin' playa in sandals may be inaccurate. The bishops have criticized German network RTL for promoting Plug youth television as "the coolest thing that even Jesus, with all his powers, could hope for." Apparently portraying Him as "a good-for-nothing, backwards adolescent... crosses the limits of respectability." Maybe so. But is Playa Jesus more appealing to youngsters than a 33-year-old virgin forever stuck in His Father's shadow?
4) Greatest Verdict Ever!
In the hip-hop battle that is modern jurisprudence, one judge has raised his rhythmic street cred. U.S. District Court Judge James Muirhead served up a killa remix of Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" in response to a prisoner who protested his diet by sending the judge an envelope containing a hard boiled egg. The judge shot back: "I do not like eggs in the file. I do not like them in any style. I will not take them fried or boiled. I will not take them poached or broiled. I will not take them soft or scrambled, despite an argument well-rambled." Then he flexed his judicial power by ordering the egg be destroyed with these gavel dropping rhymes: "No fan I am, of the egg at hand. Destroy that egg! Today! Today! Today I say! Without delay!" Watch out Soulja Boy!
3) The People vs. God
If God needed a lawyer, who would He call? Well, apparently Eric Perkins, an attorney in Corpus Christi, Tex., who has filed a response to the lawsuit against God I reported last week from Nebraska State Sen. Ernie Chambers. Perkins writes that his client "denies that this or any court has jurisdiction ... over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness." Perkins further refutes Chambers claims of "widespread death, destruction and terrorization" by the Almighty as "a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings." Stay tuned to OFF/beat for updates on this and all other ethereal litigation.
2) OFF/beat Sports Update
From God and the law to a day trader and aspiring pizza chef known as "Eater X," who on Saturday polished off 10 3/4 burritos in 12 minutes. Tim Janus, as he is known when not eating competitively, took home the World Burrito-Eating Championship, as well as $3,000 for consuming nearly 11 18-ounce burritos of rice, black beans, pork, cheese and a mild sauce wrapped in a tortilla. Janus claims to have prepped for the contest with a simple one-day diet of candy, which "helped clear his system."
1) Denver Duck Decapitator Detained
Everyone likes fresh food, but how fresh is too fresh? Scott D. Clark is under arrest after allegedly killing and attempting to consume a tame duck in a hotel in St. Paul, Minn. Clark, of Denver, who police say was drunk at the time, was seen cornering the hotel display bird early Saturday morning, then grabbing it and tearing its head off. Guests and security guards report that after decapitation, he turned to them and said "I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat it." (By the way, I checked the hotel's room service and duck, fresh or otherwise, is not on the menu.
On that fowl note, here is your Moment of Schadenfreude:
By Emil Steiner | September 24, 2007; 7:00 AM ET | Category: OFF/beat
Posted by: Cell | September 24, 2007 11:23 AM
I suppose that would apply for pets that might find themselves in this idiot's way. Mr. Clark's behavior indicates much more troubling issues than just being drunk on a Saturday night. He needs to get help and pay a steep price.
Posted by: phoaglan | September 25, 2007 7:55 AM
Mr. Wolff, in prison for molesting a 7 year old girl, protests with an egg that his orthodoxy is not being accomodated. Hmm. Would he prefer that his orthodoxy be honored by applying the Mosaic punishment of death by stoning to his crime?
Posted by: PFJUSTHAM | September 25, 2007 8:06 PM
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No hotel should have ducks in their lobby. Embassy Suites only has itself to blame