Thursday Breakfast Bender
Welcome to September 20th! On this date 15 years ago, Green Bay Packer Brett Favre began his record for most consecutive starts as an NFL quarterback. Six years later, Cal Ripken, Jr. of the Baltimore Orioles ended his consecutive games straek at 2,632 games.
Here is your Thursday Top 5:
Future News Prediction: The University of Florida issues a new handbook for incoming security guards ironically titled, Tasing for Dummies.
5) "Bureaucracy Gone Mad"
If you're a fan of following rules and procedures to the letter, then your going to love this story. English senior citizen Tony Ralls was refused service by a West Kirby liquor store manager because he forgot his ID. The 72-year-old grandfather of three had attempted to purchase two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon, but when he failed to prove that he was over 21, the manager "pick[ed] up the wine and, in the manner of a child taking home his ball, sa[id] 'Well, we won't serve you'." According to a store spokesman "We take our responsibility with regard to selling alcohol very seriously." Well I certainly feel safer.
4) Plastic Homonculus?
Rattling the worlds of both veterinary medicine and metaphysics (at least from the perspective of a stoned undergraduate), yesterday a 12-inch bearded dragon passed an undigested seven inch rubber lizard. Animal hospital veterinarians sedated Mushu, who was rushed to them after its 7-year-old owner suspected it was giving birth, and began pulling on the protrusion. "The next thing I knew, I was seeing legs and a body and a head," said attending vet John Rossi. "I've never extracted a lizard from another lizard before." While it may have seemed like a Jackass prank gone awry, experts maintain it is most likely Mushu simply swallowed the toy.
3) Tasting Fate
Perhaps inspired by Mushu's antics, or just plain stupididy, snake collector Matt Wilkinson attempted to impress his girlfriend by putting a 20-inch rattlesnake in his mouth after downing a six-pack of beer. As you might expect the 23-year-old ended up being rushed to the emergency room after the venomous serpent bit his tongue. By the time he had arrived, his throat had swollen shut and doctors were forced to "cut a hole in [his] neck to insert [a] breathing tube." Since he did survive, the Darwin Awards are out, but not to fret, Mr. Wilkinson, OFF/beat is honored to grant you a nomination for the 2007 Idiot of the Year awards.
2) MacGyver Onanism
An Australian court listened in rapt bemusement as prosecutors described the bizarre details of Jamie Lacey's alleged burglary. The 27-year-old was later found guilty of breaking into a home in the northern city of Brisbane, scattering pornographic magazines around the bathroom and crafting a makeshift sexual aid out of a piece of wood, a rubber glove and a Toilet Duck bottle. A vacuum cleaner was also found at the scene, although the defense contends there is no evidence their client used it for sexual purposes. In response, Judge Tony Rafter was quoted saying "I'm sure that your client didn't hoover the carpets."
1) The Seven-Year Loophole
As Axl Rose once pointed out, "nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change." With that perhaps in mind, German politician Gabriele Pauli has proposed making marriage contracts expire after seven years, with an option to renew if husband and wife are up for it. The 50-year-old is running for leadership of the ultra conservative Christian Social Union, and has been divorced twice. If that weren't enough evidence that German conservatives aren't quite the same as their American counterparts, Pauli made headlines last January when she posed for magazine dressed as "a dominatrix wearing long latex gloves." Then again maybe they're not all that different.
And for dessert, here is your Moment of Schadenfreude:
By Emil Steiner | September 20, 2007; 6:00 AM ET | Category: OFF/beat
