Extreme Makeover: Santa Claus
Sending the Right Message to Kids This Holiday Season
Memo to the Claus Kitchen c/o the North Pole: Cut out the lard! In the latest and perhaps most bizarre move of the global struggle against obesity, English malls are now encouraging their Santas to lose weight. The Daily Mail is reporting that the Bluewater shopping center in Kent has even set up a "Santa Boot Camp" in order to get Jolly Ol' Saint Nick "in shape and setting a good example to children who idolise him."
The news comes in the wake of the latest report on Britain's bulging waistlines, which predict more than 50 percent will be obese by 2050. According to Bluewater spokesperson Fiona Campbell-Reilly, "Santa has been around for years, but society has changed and our Santa needs to reflect this."
An interesting point. Maybe other cultural and religious icons, such as Humpty Dumpty, should be headed to the gym. But since the season of shopping and/or giving is nearly upon us, I began thinking of other changes to Santa Claus that might be worth considering after weight loss.
Start with his workshop. While many of the toys kids play with originate in low-paying Asian factories or even leaded sweatshops, isn't it time for Santa to set a socially conscious example and offer his elves decent wages, benefits and safe working conditions? The North Pole is practically in Scandinavia; its chief employer should take a cue from the Scandinavian system. Portrayals of Santa's workshop and village ought to include union leaders, bathroom breaks and elven profit sharing.
Along those same lines, his shipping department is currently depicted as a group of reindeer (at least one with a disability or disfigurement) that is kept in bondage and forced to work under extreme duress. What kind of message is that for youngsters? No longer should Santa's workers be portrayed sleeping outdoors in literally subarctic temperatures and then shackled to a sleigh and forced to fly hundreds of thousands of miles in a single night. That practically encourages animal cruelty. How about a little positive reinforcement?
Speaking of psychology, the song "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" is unhealthy; the notion that St. Nick is making a list of who's been "naughty" or "nice" and determining gift dispersal based on that report is not healthy. Most child psychologists will tell you that bribery is not an effective means of encouraging positive behavior. Kids should "be good for goodness' sake," not because they want presents.
Which leads me to Santa's dangerous wardrobe. After he's dropped the pounds, it's time for Mr. Claus to get some new threads. And since Ms. Claus, (not Mrs.) will now be portrayed as a working professional, she certainly won't have the time to sew them. A neutral, semi-loose fitting jumpsuit without symbols or raunchy messages seems most appropriate.
But appropriate dress isn't enough to encourage appropriate and safe behavior in our kids. With Santa now trim and decked out in prison garb, it's important that children no longer sit on his lap. Malls across the world should do the right thing and require children to stand when they speak with him.
And finally, and most important for our new and improved Santa Claus, is something called a 40-hour work week. Instead of being portrayed as delivering all the presents in one night, from now on it should be the 365 days of Christmas -- with each child receiving his or her gifts on a designated day (provided that day is not his or her birthday). This will both teach children the importance of not procrastinating, and separate the consumerism of Christmas from the religious holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus.
These simple measures, in conjunction with the British weight loss plan, can ensure that Christmas will remain in step with the rational commonsense of contemporary society. What better gift could we give our children?
By Emil Steiner | November 7, 2007; 11:00 AM ET | Category: OFF/beat Politics
Posted by: rich clancey boston ma | November 7, 2007 10:05 AM
Is there no end to the world's sad collection of clowns who have no sense homor and people who have no sense at all? As a now-retired Santa Claus I can only say that the biggest threat to face children is not obesity but those infected with political or social correctness. Cure for these two maladies? Suffocation with marshmallows
Posted by: Lozang Gyaltsan | November 7, 2007 11:20 AM
As a child psychologist I can tell you. Those who do not understand that children do as they see not as they are told do not understand children. This is not political correctness, this is human nature, childish though it may be. Do the right thing and protect them
Posted by: Realism | November 7, 2007 11:39 AM
Free the Reindeer!!!
Mmmmm ... Venison.
Posted by: SoMD | November 7, 2007 11:45 AM
Political correctness is no different than facism. In fact they deserve each other, they should be married to each other but be sterlized so they dont have any kids together and the world is better place. YEEESH
Posted by: hellbent | November 7, 2007 4:51 PM
Political Correctness is, I agree, akin to Fascism. But, as the Buddha taught, we should have compassion for others. This is especially true of those who are mentally-challenged in some way and those who embrace Political Correctness as a philosophy (or social tool) are clearly deranged and those who espouse such views publicly are just plain stupid!
Posted by: Dewey Reeves | November 7, 2007 9:49 PM
Why can't you just leave Santa alone?
Must EVERYTHING be P.C., touchy-feely, psychoanalyzed, homogenized doody?
Santa has a few extra pounds? Big deal; he's old, can only work one night a year, and he's jolly, too. Give him a break...if he was so worried about it, you'd see him on the stairmaster instead of enjoying whole milk and cookies in homes all over the world.
Are his elves indentured servants? Are they chained to their work stations and whipped by overseers? Santa's probably the only employer within 1000 miles, and the elves can quit if they want to.
And, let's face it, a red-nosed reindeer would have next to no chance in the wild. He'd either be killed by predators for food, or by trophy hunters. Besides, those reindeer are magical, and they only have to work one night a year, too.
The only one I feel sorry for is Mrs. Clause. After all, her mostly-retired husband is underfoot 364 days a year, they have no grandchildren of their own, and there's probably not much for her to do besides cook for Santa...do the elves brown-bag it?
Posted by: Mike | November 7, 2007 11:30 PM
Santa is a filthy slave driver and his so called workshop is nothing more than a Dickensian sweatshop filled with inbred, malnurished circus freaks. If he didn't bribe the world each year with presents he would have been executed a long time ago. READ BETWEEN THE LINES PEOPLE! This "jolly" old man is satan himself. Think about it, they both have beards, their names are practically identical, they both wear red. Satan lives in the hottest place in the world, Santa lives in the coldest. You know I'm right!
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled wasn't convincing the world he doesn't exist, but convincing the world that he wasn't Santa.
Posted by: Threw Da Lookin' Glass | November 7, 2007 11:58 PM
Hooooo Hooooo Hoooooooo!
The difference between humans and apes? Humans smile & apes see it as a grimace, a challenge. So I figure those who respond good naturedly are humans. Those who don't, may be, well, distant cousins beating their chests & making noises to ward off that which frightens them.
Hooooooo Hoooooooo Hooooooooooo!
Posted by: SantaClaus | November 8, 2007 9:30 AM
The last very venemous comment ought to be pulled! It's religiously insensitive, it's devestating to childhood dreams & memories & it's politically incorrect. And you can pull mine too but that post is just over the top venemous Freedom of speech stops at hate speech.
Posted by: Pigfoot3 | November 8, 2007 9:51 AM
OK I meant the 2nd last comment, which WAS the last when I posted my comment.
Posted by: Pigfoot3 | November 8, 2007 9:52 AM
I'm a real bearded Santa. I workout at the local gym 3-4 day's a week. I'm padded. So you never know what's under the red suit folks!
Posted by: Santeklaas | November 8, 2007 10:46 AM
This is just another example of how our society is working to sterilize our thoughts. Isn't this another form of mind control. The secular progressives want us to outlaw Christianity. I for one will never do that. My bearded brothers and I know the reason for the season (think Jesus Christ) and do everything we can to live up to high moral and Christian values.
Posted by: Santa Thom | November 9, 2007 6:50 AM
iwhont a ipodvideo
Posted by: michael | November 20, 2007 8:22 PM
Okay, so maybe it's just me, but this seems kind of pointless.
Kids idolise Santa, of course, but they don't exactly base their aspirations on his appearance as the jolly old man. I mean, which children are thinking 'I love Santa, I want to be overweight just like him!'?!
Besides, any child young enough to want to emulate Santa Claus in this way is not old enough to be in control of their diet. Surely, instead of doing things like this, the attention should be put on parents to bring children up with a healthy diet, so that they won't be obese.
Posted by: Claire | November 20, 2007 8:43 PM
Ho Ho Ho.
The opinions here seem to be a little strong for someone who doesn't even believe in me. Nonetheless, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, Emil.
If you want "nothing but the facts", (and I realize you may still disagree with me, but at least you'll have the facts) you can check out my blog at www.clauschronicles.blogspot.com. There are links there to the North Pole Inc. Corporate Responsibility site as well.
Have a great Thanksgiving!
Your friend,
Santa
Santa Claus
Chief Executive Officer
North Pole Inc.
www.clauschronicles.blogspot.com
Posted by: Santa | November 21, 2007 2:03 AM
I think this is absurd. Why not blame Santa Claus for immigration, seeing as how he enters countries without the proper paperwork and visas. The matter of obese children is not a product of fictional role-models but the real ones they are trying to emulate.
Posted by: natalia | November 28, 2007 2:49 PM
if they're so worried about santa then why don't they make the obese people who actually exist lose weight?
Posted by: rachel | December 6, 2007 5:24 PM
The original Santa Claus was a good Christian hero.
For a truly Christian perspective on Santa Claus and the Christian use of myth, go to
santaisnotsatan.
bravehost.
com/
Posted by: Larry | December 12, 2007 11:51 AM
I don't think Santa being fat is the issue with the obesity issue in our country. I don't think making Santa thin is the answer. It's silly and frivolous.
We love our fat santa. He brings joy to children, adult even the old. People don't need a thin santa. I don't think there is anything wrong with being fat or overweight. Fat people can also live health. Just like the big people at largeplace.com.
Posted by: cutebig | December 24, 2007 5:47 AM
The comments to this entry are closed.
At last! Somebody is speaking up on behalf of Rudolf, the Differently Snouted Reindeer.