OFF/beat's Top 10 Holiday Gift List
Turn Heads and Stomachs This Holiday Season!
With the shopping season in full swing, I've compiled a preliminary list of the 10 most offbeat presents for you and yours. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Festivus, these gifts are guaranteed to confuse, offend and/or delight members of all faiths! Feel free to add your own or send samples to offbeat@washingtonpost.com. The best entries will appear on OFF/beat's Ultimate Wish List, released later in the season.
10) If you've always dreamed of a breath mint that looks like a bag of drugs, then Hershey's has got the hook up. Available starting Friday, "Icebreaker Pacs" are small blue packets containing a white powdery substance that melt in your mouth and leave your breath delightfully fresh. Best of all, they so closely resemble drug baggies that even seasoned narcotics officers can't tell the difference!
9) And with your kids enjoying crack-themed candy, why not give them their very own Barbie Crack House to play with? This one-of-a-kind piece of "unreal estate" is the former rental property of Trailer Trash Barbie and Crackhead Ken, who, according to the seller, were "exceptionally hard on the property due to their 'business pursuits.'"
8) For the alcoholic environmentalist on your list, why not pick up a bottle of 4 Copas, the world's "only certified organic tequila." The company says a sacred appreciation of the provider Goddess Mayagüel is behind its earth-first attitude to distilling booze. It remains unclear what effect, if any, the lack of pesticides and preservatives will have on worms placed in 4 Copas.
7) Save that sinner on your list from the unpleasantries of eternal damnation for only $12.79 with the Reserve a Spot In Heaven "Essential Travel Kit." It includes "everything needed to transport one individual to Heaven," such as a certificate of reservation, one first-class ticket to heaven, an Official Heaven ID Card "so you can get around without getting hassled" and a Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Not convinced? According to their site, "less than 0.000001% of our travelers have had problems making it to Heaven through this unique, exclusive program." And there's a 100% money back guarantee, just in case a reservation isn't honored.
6) If your kids have a habit of destroying their toys, give them one they'll be too afraid of to mess with. The "Halloween" Michael Myers figure stands six inches tall and "comes complete with a removable snap-on bloody butchers knife." This adorable "woolly slasher" is sure to fill their little minds with yuletide terror!
5) Know someone in a long-distance relationship? Then why not slip a G-Pod in their stockings. Introduced at Tokyo's Adult Treasure Expo 2007, this clever device consists of a vibrating phallic wand that can be plugged into a cell phone. The wand is activated by the caller's voice and moves in response to his or her sound waves. It's also ideal for swingers, who can reach out and touch others on a conference call.
4) Got a friend or loved one with a heavy foot? Why not buy them the Anti-Ticket Doughnut! This handy little bribe is the perfect way of saying: "I was hoping we could settle this here." At only $9.95, it pays for itself in less than one moving violation!
3) The holiday season is no time for atheism -- or bad breath. Well, now for just $5.95, you can kiss both goodbye thanks to the "Believe in God" breath spray. This "miraculously peppermintly, faith-enhancing" formula can apparently turn your halitosis to Hallelujah with just one application! Whether it's a miracle of technology or of marketing may be a matter of faith, but either way it makes the perfect gift for that special non-believer in your life.
2) The calendar this time of year is full of parties so to keep clean and awake, make sure you stock up on Shower Shock brand caffeinated soap. Each four-ounce bar is infused with caffeine anhydrous, which lathers up a whopping 12 servings of coffee directly into your skin each time you shower. Just don't use it to wash your kid's mouth out with soap or you could end up with junior Dice Clay in the manger.
1) And my favorite gift idea so far this season: the Sen. Larry Craig action figure. This rugged 12-inch doll comes with his classic mugshot eyewear and is dressed in a t-shirt emblazoned with his now famous declaration: "I Am Not Gay." According to stupid.com, "his limbs are bendable, so you can put him in all sorts of poses ... even the famous 'wide stance' the Senator refers to." And unlike any other toy I know of, Talking Larry Craig proudly proclaims, "I never have been gay" at the touch of a button. No word on when we can expect the Airport Men's Room Playset.
By Emil Steiner | December 3, 2007; 12:00 PM ET | Category: OFF/beat
Posted by: Beltron | December 3, 2007 1:28 PM
Highly witty of you, Beltron.
Posted by: Jason | December 3, 2007 1:39 PM
Have any death row inmates sold passes to their execution? If they didn't have family they could sell their tickets to anyone. How cool a stocking stuffer would that be.
Posted by: KPG | December 3, 2007 2:21 PM
Jason & Beltron:
1st paragraph from the good 'ol Wiki:
"Modern geologists consider the age of the Earth to be around 4.54 billion years (4.54×109 years). This age was determined by combining the interpretations of oldest-known terrestrial minerals - small crystals of zircon from the Jack Hills of Western Australia - and astronomers' and planetologists' determinations of the age of the solar system based in part on radiometric age dating of meteorite material and lunar samples."
Last time I checked, 500 million years is less than 4.54 billion years.
Your comment may be "Highly witty" Beltron (at least in Jason's eyes), but you need to check your facts before you make yourself look stupid in front of your "Bible thumping friends".
Posted by: SoMD | December 3, 2007 2:45 PM
I would have to have a lobotomy to appear stupid in front of my "Bible thumping friends" SoMD. I never said the universe was 500 million years old.
Posted by: Beltron | December 3, 2007 3:50 PM
Author:
There is no worm in Tequila! There never has been! Some Mezcal bottles contain a worm as a marketing gimmick,but not the good ones.
Posted by: Jasons s(jiboo) | December 4, 2007 12:40 AM
I'm afraid I've gotten so many bad presents that some of these would be a welcome change
Posted by: | December 4, 2007 1:24 AM
The bad breath spray is hilarious! I think that as just funny, the idea that you can get new faith in a single breath (literally). I'm planning to give my favorite uncle a bottle of Therabreath mouthwash, cuz it removed my Halitosis and I am hoping it will remove his too. I claim by faith that this will be his miracle cure. :)
Posted by: Abby | December 6, 2007 1:09 PM
SoMD you missed the joke. No need quote Wiki.
Posted by: CAB | December 6, 2007 4:55 PM
I have the breath spray, it totally gave me faith! Now I have a crush on Jesus and he'll want to kiss me when we meet
Posted by: Tara | December 9, 2007 10:41 AM
SoMD, the post reads ".....Bible thumping friends. It's a 500 million year old cross." not the world is 500 million years old or that the cross is exactly as old as modern geologists theorize. oh yeah, and if you click on the link (thats the mostly random looking string of numbers and words that changes color when you run "the arrow" across it) it takes you to .........guess what? yeah, thats right A 500 MILLION YEAR OLD CROSS, though it is only a rock.
Posted by: danny | December 24, 2007 10:48 PM
The comments to this entry are closed.
This one is perfect if you really wanna freak out your Bible thumping friends. It's a 500 million year old cross. First they'll be really satisfied that they have proof crosses have been around forever. But the joy will turn into anger when you ask them how it's possible to have a 500 million year old cross when the world is only 5,000 years old. Suggest that God is trying to screw with their heads.
http://cgi.ebay.com/500-MILLION-YEAR-OLD-CROSS-OLDEST-EVER-FOUND_W0QQitemZ160185065478QQihZ006QQcategoryZ11669QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem