WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY, in a slight Scandinavian accent

http://www.ckov63.com/news.php?day.20051208The music selection at cross-country sprinting races ranges from the bizarre to the more bizarre. They played some Red Hot Chili Peppers, some Fat Boy Slim, a techno remix of the "Nessun Dorma" aria from the end of "Turandot," and a bunch of other Euro dance hall tunes. (I was trying to find a link to this aria techno remix joint, but apparently there are several versions and none exactly matched what I heard. What I heard included these lyrics: "If you hesitate, If you've got to wait....." Any help? You all were so good with "Oh Yeah." And no, I didn't actually know the name of the real aria. I had to call my dad and sing it to him. Yes, it was embarrassing.)

The music was intermixed with the most frantic play-by-play imaginable from the Scandinavian Monster Truck announcer guy. Once he started referring to the upcoming men's final as the "BIIIIIIG, BIIIIG, BIIIIG, FINAL!!!!!!!" I knew I had to find him. But I didn't track him down until after the race was over. Highlights from his call. Imagine the classical Monster Truck Intonation with a slight Scandinavian flourish:

"So we have one race left....Ladies and gentlemen, who will be the champion? One race left, four men left, three will go away with an OLYMMMMPIC Medal....The big favorite of course, Bjorn Lind, he has been the most impressive sprinter of the WHOLE SEASON, but he has three tough competitors here....The Olympic final, ladies and gentlemen, four men and OFF THEY GOOOO.....And the climb is on, who has the power to make an ATTACK....And there is no speed at all, it looks like a tactical race.....And look, AND LOOOOOOK, a COMPLETE STOP!!!!....Zorzi is looking at Lind, Lind is looking at Zorzi......Look now, this is where things are going to HAPPEN!!!....Coming into the final spurt and it's the BIG FAVORITE leading here.....And LIND has the world championship, he's going to have it, Bjorn Lind Gold, Darragon Silver, Fredriksson BRONNNNNNNZE MEDALLLL.....BJORN LINNNNNNND. WHAAAAAAT A DAYYYYYYY."

It was an exhausting call. Delivered, as it turns out, by Kjell Erik Kristiansen, a Norwegian living in Finland who speaks five languages and has called nearly a dozen Tours de France for EuroSport. This site calls him the best announcer in the world. And this site says he has twice been voted the world's No. 1 announcer. I wouldn't argue.

I asked if he was really as excited as he sounded.

"It depends how the race is," he said. "Of course we have to make it look very exciting even if it might not be, but of course you get excited from time to time."

I didn't believe him. You can't fake that.

"It's very different in ice hockey," he explained. "In ice hockey, you just sit there. Here, you are more like an artist, you are entertaining. When you can find the drama, you have something to play with."

Crushing. I asked whether he loses his voice from doing races like this.

"In Salt Lake City, I was totally without voice," he said. The cure? "That's a secret," he said. "I didn't go to any doping controls."

Kristiansen was free tonight and tomorrow, and he wasn't sure what to do. Go skiing, perhaps. "We've been working so much we don't know what to do on the free days any more," he said, which sounded familiar.

I'm telling you, everyone is done. The paninis and paninos now get just a cursory flip into the warming oven. The pizzas are all burned. I got directed onto a spectator bus tonight, and the French guy across the aisle from me burst into tears while talking on his cell phone. Literally, just sitting there weeping on the bus as we drove through the fog. Then we stopped in Sestriere and picked up a whole bunch of rowdy-looking fans, with faces painted and flags in their arms, who got on the bus and sat silently as we rode to the train station. Total silence. I kept falling asleep and slamming my head into the window.

By Dan Steinberg |  February 22, 2006; 4:53 PM ET
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