Sick Days

My indoctrination into the politics of sick days -- my wake-up call that combining work and motherhood involved inescapable rocks and hard places -- came 10 years ago when our infant son got sick with a fever the day of a presentation I had to give. I blithely asked my husband to stay home with our child. I quickly saw evidence that men, especially primary breadwinners, suffer peer pressure at work as severe as everything I lived through in seventh grade, except that our financial future was at risk rather than my slot in the popular crowd.

So, I gave my son Tylenol to hold down his fever, dropped him off at the daycare center, delivered a killer presentation and scuttled back to his classroom where they reported X. was feeling a little warm.

Since that day, I've always been the one to stay home with our children when they are sick. I've tailored my career choices so that I can bow out on a second's notice if need be. My husband and I don't discuss what these sacrifices have meant for me. And in truth, I haven't forced the issue. We never imagined this type of pragmatic dilemma when we dreamed of having kids together.

A single mom friend brings her kids to the office when they are sick. Another working dad utilizes an "emergency" childcare center in downtown D.C. specifically designed for sick children under age 10 (which costs about twice as much as regular daycare, he reports).

My friend Page, who divorced her husband, learned a new way. They have joint custody, 3.5 days per week each. Nice and fair. Recently, on one of the dad's custody days, their daughter woke up too sick with a head cold to go to school. He called his ex-wife to see if she could stay home from work. She heard her daughter hacking in the background. She was torn. She was firm. "It's your day, honey," she said sweetly and hung up the phone. What did Daddy do? He dropped his sick daughter off at school. (Not unlike what I did with my own infant son.)

Baby advice books don't tackle Faustian torments like choosing between your job and an ill child. It's one of those terrible dilemmas where a supportive employer, partner, relative or friend makes your heart swell with gratitude -- or at least it would if you weren't too busy rushing to work while worrying about your child. But parents don't all experience that kindness every time we need it. When we're caught in a Catch-22, our kids are, too.

Do you have experience with other countries' kids' sick day policies? Are there any good solutions, anywhere? People always mention places like Canada, Germany, Sweden and France as more mom-friendly, but I don't know -- the grass is always greener, yadayada. There are hidden downsides to family leaves that are so comprehensive that employers become reluctant to hire women who might one day get pregnant.

How do you handle kids' sick days? How does your company handle kids' sick days? In an ideal world, what kind of policy would be fair to parents, kids and companies?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  March 22, 2006; 8:00 AM ET  | Category:  Division of Labor
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