The Terrible Teens

Every mom seems to have a different theory when it comes to the "ideal" time in her children's lives to be working outside the home.

Some of you might say "how spoiled to think women can just pick and choose when to work" or "how terrible to think there is ever an ideal time to abandon your children." There is truth in this criticism. But still, I hear women all the time debating this idea of when it's "best" to work as a mom (usually before they actually have children, when choices seem especially endless).

B.B., a mom of teenagers in Chevy Chase who I must identify by her initials because she agreed not to discuss her teenagers in public, used to work in an office and has been home since her children became teenagers. She explains.

"The conventional wisdom is that if teenagers come home to an empty house, they will have sex and use drugs. This is b.s. (like all conventional wisdom). What teenagers do depends on who they are, who their friends are, and lots of other things. Sure, it's nice to be home because my kids need me to drive them everywhere, and I like the small things, like when they come over with friends and eat all the food in the house. But now I realize, since my daughter's going to college next year, I'm glad I was here for the past four years -- because this time was fleeting."

This bit about teenagers makes sense to me, having been one myself. But since I don't have teenagers yet, I'm curious what experts advise. I asked Dr. Anna Fels, a New York psychiatrist, author of Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women's Changing Lives and Mommy Wars contributor what she sees.

"Virtually all teenagers have some problems -- it's part of the territory of adolescence. Working moms (and everyone else) instantly assume that any difficulty the child of a working momther has is caused by inadequate mothering. Working women need to be aware of this societal bias.

"I would recommend that working women who feel guilty and conflicted about their parenting check out how their child is actually doing. If the child has friends, is doing their school work, and has interests that they are pursuing, the child is probably doing well."

What do those of you with teenagers think? How do the challenges facing working moms (and stay-at-home ones) change when your kids hit adolescence? What are other parents you know doing right -- and wrong?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  April 11, 2006; 9:00 AM ET  | Category:  Raising Great Kids
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