I don't think she is, but I hope the author is not say that post-partum depression can be cured by going back to work....

Balance works if it seems to work for the health and happiness of the whole family, IMHO. Guilt also has a magical way of going away if you just ignore the constant refrain by the about it and do what is best for YOUR family.

I would feel guilty too if I were working from home and "intersperse my work with laundry, dusting, vacuuming, mopping"

You're stealing from your company. Laundry is one thing (1 minute to put in maching, 1 minute to take out and put into dryer, 1 minute to take out, fold when off the clock) but dusting, vacuuming, and mopping take time - time you are on the clock and being paid.

No wonder so many businesses fight the telework/flexiblilty movement. They know they aren't getting full time work from the people at home.

I guess I just dont get the guilt. I especially have difficulty understanding any benefit of dwelling on the guilt and then feeling guilty about feeling guilty.

When everything is going wrong and all is ahoo I try to hone in on doing the next little thing as best I can, and trusting that the long term decisions trends are solid.

Learning from mistakes, experience etc is all well and good, hyperventilating over decisons and outcomes that are in the past and cannot be changed are counter-productive and can destructive.

Guilt without faith seems to lead to panic.

I liked the title, imperfect balance. If I were to try for perfection - and then lose pefect balance I tend to think I would be more likely to fall off the balance beam.

on the topic of telework, compaines aren't getting their full days work from many of the people at work either, through phone conversations, gossip, smoke breaks, blog breaks, coffee breaks, etc. However, working from home is a privilage, so use the privilage well and just get your work done.

On the guilt thing, I think that it is immpossible to think about your children all the time, so that shouldn't make you feel bad. If he's in a good daycare, you shouldn't feel bad, he's loved by you and your husband ditto.

Now, i'm with you on the other baby thing-all the way. Although there is no easy way to escape that guilt and axiety!

Amen, Leslie. My daughter is three weeks old and I am 30. Like you, I never anticipated the bone-crushing, soul-sucking exhaustion -- and sheer pain -- that is breastfeeding. I feel so guilty that I am not enjoying this time, which everyone says is so wonderful. Now I try to tell myself each morning that I must find fulfillment in caring for my daughter and making my husband happy, not pleasing myself. Unless derived from service to them, joy feels like an impossible dream. I love my husband and my precious daughter but feel chained and trapped most of the time.

Do what's best for you to be sane! After all, a happy mother makes for a happy kid, happy family. Try bottle feeding! Go back to work more! You have to do what works and not what everyone tells you to do. There's nothing wrong with working when you have young children. Do have your second baby; you wont have this window of opportunity for much longer, and you will have the rest of your life to regret it if you don't. My point is, ease up on the guilt, BALANCE more, and think big picture. You can't have perfection in all areas of your life, but you can have a nice life.

I just want to chime in early to say that it's wonderful to see a guest blog from a normal mom without an agenda to sell a book or promote a Web site, etc. Leslie, please pick more moms like this on Tuesdays!

And, to the author, thanks for your honesty and sorry in advance for all the people who will say mean things about you here today.

You can only do the best you can do! Sounds like you are doing a fine job.

here here Vamom!

Before everyone starts jumping all over the poster for combining telework and housework- there are many jobs where this is doable, and has no impact on the work product. If you have a job that has an easily defined work product (like, in her case, finished articles for her publication), it really doesn't matter whether you spend 8 hours at home working on it, or 4. My husband works at home every day and manages to get his job done and do housework and yardwork at the same time. (And his company has found him so indispensible that he's survived multiple rounds of layoffs! Ok I can brag.)

And for the poster- don't feel guilty about feeling relieved when Monday morning comes and you go back to work. Taking care of a little kid is hard! There are no breaks and you probably don't even get to use the bathroom by yourself. Just remind yourself that it's the stress you're feeling happy about taking a break from, not your child.

I just want to echo VAMom's sentiments all the way. People, stop being so petty about "stealing from your company." That's a topic for another blog if you really want to discuss that. How do you know she doesn't have that worked out with her company and they don't know what she's doing? Please stop judging people. This forum is not for us to pass judgment on others, but rather for us to share our experiences so we can learn from each other - from our mistakes and our successes and so in the future we will all have it a little easier. No one will have it easier if all we do is criticize and tear each other down.

Don't be a drama queen. You can put the baby down for two minutes if you need to pee. If he cries, he cries. Won't be the first time he cries, won't be the last.

Maybe you wouldn't be so miserable if you weren't martyring yourself at the foot of some unachievable, idealized image of motherhood that society has foisted on us. Lighten up on yourself. Your colicky baby isn't going to die if he screams for two minutes in the crib while you go to the bathroom.

I never thought I would feel the guilt I still feel, and my daughter will start first-grade in the fall. So many of us grew up in the era when it was a given that we would take our two or three months maternity leave, hire a nanny and head back to the office - no problem, our lives all neatly planned thanks to the women before us who made that choice possible. But then there are the variables we never counted on -- our untapped maternal desires and the "special needs" each child has on some level, whether they are serious medical problems or typical separation anxiety issues. I never planned on staying home and working from home. I never intended on giving up the title or the window office or the six figure salary I had worked so hard to achieve. But, unexpected attachment issues arose with our daughter and that meant I needed to be more available to her to help her attach to us. And while it was the right thing to do, I still struggle and wonder who's got my old title and enjoying that window office, basking in the professional accomplishment that those things mean. And I always feel the guilt for having those daydreams.

http://punditmom1.blogspot.com

For Denkpaard,

Learning to take care of a new baby is VERY VERY hard, and it's normal not to love every minute of caring for a tiny baby who gives nothing back. It will get better, breastfeeding will get more comfortable, and your baby will get some personality.

Until then, try to find a little time for something you like-- or at least a little time with empty arms. If things get bad, consider that you might have PPD.

As for today's poster, why all the guilt? Please cut yourself some slack, and try to enjoy what you have. If we dwell on it, I think every mother could consume herself with worry about making the wrong choices, but that's not good for anyone-- do your best and move on.

To Denkpaard: Do no feel guilty. The reason you do is because breastfeeding and being a first time mom were presented to you as such wonderful things that you wonder why you don't feel that way. I was lucky that my sister told me the truth: breastfeeding really hurts initially, it is exhausting and the first few weeks with the baby are really hard because you give all of yourself and get nothing in return (babies don't usually smile until 5-6 weeks). We all go through this but with the passage of time romanticize the experience. My advice to you: hang in there, know that you are doing a great thing by breastfeeding, it will get easier and less exhausting. When your husband gets home, hand the baby over and take a nap or a long shower. Forgive yourself your feelings of loneliness and impatience. In about 3 more weeks, things will start getting much better.
To Dawn: about the guilt, let it go. Been there and done that. Except for 4 months of maternity leave each time, I have always been a working mom and I have had plenty of guilt trips. But you know what? Everything is turning out fine. We traveled extensively this summer and saw a lot of family and old friends who all commented as to how great our kids are, well behaved, likable, smart (and perfectly bilingual). I doubt that I could have done any better if I had stayed home and I am proud of the fact that my 9 year old daughter looks up to me as someone with an important job that helps people.

Denkpaard -

Hi. They never tell you this in childbirth class, but nursing is really, really hard. It does become wonderful - once you learn the skills. Please get yourself some help with this - a local mom you trust, someone in your pediatricians office... Don't accept help from anyone who makes you feel like a failure or a loser. Good luck.

Back on topic:
1. You can always pay for full-time care and not use it every day. The money is "wasted" whether they have your child or not.
2. "Guilty" is what you should feel when pretending to work while doing a half-way job watching your kid at the same time. It is not what you should feel for failing to be a martyr, or for using good quality daycare.

This is for Denkpaard,Please call the La Leche League in your area they will help with information and even a home visit from a seasoned mother Breast feeding should not hurt,don't give up.Your baby will never need you as much as he does right now.Good luck ,you ard doing a wonderful thing.

why don't we re-title this blog

breast is best again, come on people, she gets it, she's a saint for breastfeeding, can we move on now.

Breastfeeding sucks (literally :)) the first few weeks. It DOES get better, really. I had a devil of a time with my very small daughter at first. I was determined however, and lo and behold we kept at it for two years. It really is a wonderful tool to have in your mommy box as they get a little older. Nothing calmed as well that. I joke that I wish I still had it when the fully articulated LOUD tantrums kick in.

Going Until I Live Tired
Glowering Under Insurmountable Looks Today
Grief Unsurpassed Impacts Life Terribly
Give Up Insults, Lies, Tears...
Goodness, Unselfishness, Interests,
Lightness, Trust
Grow Up In Love Too -
Grace Under Infectious Laughter Triumphs

Transition your guilt, life is too short.

After three years of being a stay-at-home mommy, I relunctantly started working just a few hours a week; we needed even that little of an income. A few months later, I added a few more hours--and I found I liked/needed to work. Now that summer is here--and work (education related) has dried up until fall--I am having a difficult time being all mommy all the time to an almost 4 year old. I never thought I'd *want* to work but being with DS all day is draining, both physically and emotionally. And I'm not the best mommy when I'm exhausted. Who is? I've really been in a funk since summer started. I hate to admit that I can't wait until fall when he's in school three days a week, and I'm working 20 hours a week. I feel so guilty. I thought I'd be the perfect SAHM forever; I didn't even last three years.

It took me a while to understand that achieving balance takes work and organization. For example, if I don't want to stress about dinner every night, it helps if I make something for the freezer on the weekend when I have more time. I think that I hoped for the first few years of my son's life that balance would just happen and then I would be happy, but I had to really focus on HOW to make it happen. And then, any issues about guilt went away because everyone in my family was basically happy. And as far as the second child, I know that works for many families and that's great, but we have one child, and it is wonderful for us. Try to remember that you are trying to make the OPTIMAL choice...not the IDEAL one.

Breastfeeding sucks (literally :)) the first few weeks. It DOES get better, really. I had a devil of a time with my very small daughter at first. I was determined however, and lo and behold we kept at it for two years. It really is a wonderful tool to have in your mommy box as they get a little older. Nothing calmed as well that. I joke that I wish I still had it when the fully articulated LOUD tantrums kicked in. There is an amazing amount of all sorts of guilt in being a parent. From sending a kid to camp because, dammit you need a breather too, even as a SAHM, to I can't believe I just said, "Don't mommy me!" exactly the same way it was said to me. The question is how much of it do you listen to or give relevance to?

Denkpaard - you're not alone. For many of us, motherhood doesn't become particularly "wonderful" til the baby is around four months old and things begin to settle a bit. Don't feel bad that you're not the picture of bliss. Can you find a breastfeeding clinic in your area for support?

Dawn, I hope you can work out the money/time/space issues. I can tell you that in my experience, psychologically, second-time motherhood is so much easier. As for the guilt, a waste of energy. If your child is thriving, why feel guilty for enjoying your job?

http://momsquawk.wordpress.com/

I've just recently re-entered the workforce, and oh, I miss my kids. But I'm enjoying the stimulation and challenges at the office, and while I sometimes fantasize about quitting and being a SAHM again, I actually think I might be a better mom because I work -- a completely unexpected feeling. I literally cannot wait to get home to see my children every afternoon, and looking back, I think when I was at home full time, I sometimes felt like I would explode in their neediness if I didn't have some time to myself. Now that I'm working, I definitely spend more quality time with my kids. I never thought I would say this, but for me, working is helping me to achieve a balance I didn't have before.

Kudos to Working Mom X!

Denkpard,

ITA with all the others but you need to remember that the first 6 weeks are the hardest and once you get through that you still start to get rewarded. The baby will sleep longer, they will start smiling and develop personalities and start turning into little humans.

So you are halfway there and have much to look forward to after that. But the first 6 weeks really do bite!

"These days, instead of seeking perfect balance, I try to balance my guilt, to dole out the stress evenly between my job, my son, my husband and my desire for a second child."

No one is perfect - that's part of the human condition. The fact that we can't do everything right should not be a source of guilt. It's one of the natural limitations of life.

But, what if we aren't dealing with an unhealthy perfectionism. In that case, if we've gotten ourselves into a situation where we have a continuing sense of guilt about our lives, we need to re-evaluate how we're living.

Guilt can serve as a critical "dashboard warning light." We all need to be live in a way that we can feel good about what we're doing. Else, how will we feel at their end? And what else can we point to that will balance a life spent in a way that leaves us feeling guilty and unsatisfied?

I have no opinion about this individual's choices (and no desire to opine on them). We all make mistakes (running through the light instead of stopping; snapping at our spouse when we're tired and frustrated; goofing off when we should have been doing something else, etc.) - those are a natural part of life. We should do our best, and move on. But if we are living in a way that results in significant amounts of ongoing guilt, then we need to figure out what the problem is and fix it. (And if we do the re-evaluation, and decide that we are, in fact, happy with our choices and the way we're living our lives, then we need to work on our emotions.)

I agree that second time motherhood is so much easier. You know what you're doing and you have the perspective gained from the first that none of the difficult times last long. You're also a lot easier on yourself and have far less guilt because you know that the 15 minutes the baby spends crying while you shower has no discernable effect on the child's development. I got so much more done on my 2nd maternity leave even with a 2 year old running around. I still can't figure out what I spent my time on the first time around. It's also not double the cost of the first -- you already have most of the equipment and clothes (you'd be suprised how many of her brother's clothes a girl can wear and still look like a girl) and if you breastfeed you get at least 4 months of free food until you need to buy stock in Gerber. I've also found that if you play it right, you can get your older child so enamored with the baby and vice versa that he will be happy to keep her entertained while you sneak into the kitchen to make dinner.

Well said, Huh!

I think it's important to question your assumptions of what's possible. Sometimes we are trapped by choices we don't realize we've made (like living in an extremely expensive area)

Dawn works at home two days a week. That is two days she isn't in the car commuting! That is two days she isn't interrupted by co-workers talking about non-work subjects.

How much time does everyone here take away from work? Is everyone reading this blog at home, not getting paid to work AT work?

Perhaps Dawn is actually working for nine plus hours, but mixing in laundry loads, floor scrubbing and dusting during what would be conidered 'breaks' at (on-site) work. It only takes a minute to toss a load of laundry in the washer or dryer. It isn't like she has to go to a creek and beat it on a rock or washboard.

"But if we are living in a way that results in significant amounts of ongoing guilt, then we need to figure out what the problem is and fix it."

Double dog ditto!!

I said this yesterday and I'll say it again today - I don't feel guilt about my parenting decisions, and I think that if I did, it would mean that I should re-evaluate the situation and probably change it.

I think sometimes we confuse other emotions with guilt. "I feel guilty about" is different than "I wish I had done this differently because I know more now".

There are things with my older two that I wish I had been able to do differently...I wish I had breastfed them longer, but my work schedule made it difficult - I wish I had been able to be a SAHM back then but in that marriage I was the sole or main wage earner - etc. But I don't feel *guilty* about those things, because I was doing the best I knew how at that point. And I made the choices - to marry and have children with a man who had low earning power, to give up on using my breast pump - myself, thinking that they were good choices. I don't feel guilty for doing something in my 20's that I later "learned" wasn't the best choice for me, just as I don't feel guilty about doing things when I was a teenager or a young child that I hadn't learned were unsafe or unwise. Or just like parents of previous generations shouldn't feel guilty for not using seatbelts or car seats for their children, because society hadn't yet learned the dangers of doing so.

In the case of the new mom with the 3 week old baby....there is no reason for someone who just gave birth 3 weeks ago to feel guilty - that's a different emotion your're feeling!!

This was a good guest blog. I agree that it's good to have someone who isn't plugging a book....

Dawn, you're doing a great job!

Being a Mom is hard, it's nice to have something else to do.

Can't say about the only child thing. I have two. The second was both easier and harder. Gives me great respect for those with three children!

I found being a part-time employee that the important thing was to get my work done. If it gets done with a few trips to switch from washer to dryer then who cares?

To Denkpard,

It really does get better in a few weeks. Right now it may feel like this is going to be your life forever. It is not, the baby will sleep more, will eat less often, you will get more sleep and have adult conversations again. Find a mom support group with some moms going through what you are, it can save you.

Imagine you REALLY liked being a lawyer. Then imagine that one day someone told you you should derive all your fulfillment from lawyering, nothing else.

Oh, and from this minute forward, people would be allowed to phone you in the middle of the night with law-related questions, stand outside the bathroom while you're peeing demanding that you answer their questions about tort reform RIGHT NOW! And they'd follow you into the shower and demand you talk about the law.

You would only be allowed to be friends with other lawyers, you'd get no vacations, no weekends off, and you wouldn't get paid! And when you told people what you did, they'd look bored and wander away.

And did I mention that from this moment on, you'd never again be allowed to leave the house without taking 50 pounds of law books with you, or hiring an expensive person to 'sit' them for you?

Now imagine that whenever you complained about it, people said "What's wrong with you? Why don't you LOVE being a lawyer? We all love being lawyers!"

Sounds kind of funny, doesn't it. The same could be said about motherhood.

To Denkpaard --

((hugs)) Hang in there. :) Breastfeeding is hard for the first baby, mostly because we are surrounded by so many women who haven't got a clue how to help a newborn nurse. It is very sad actually, to have lost this "mama wisdom".

1.) www.kellymom.com
This is a fabulous source of information about breastfeeding.

2.) http://www.drjacknewman.com/
Jack Newman (a famous physician who specializes in breastfeeding) has a terrific website with videos you can watch and helpful pointers to make sure baby is latching well, etc.

3.) www.mothering.com\discuss
These boards have teriffic forums on breastfeeding and problem solving.

4.) www.lalecheleague.com
Find a LLL group in your area. Take your baby with you even if it kills you and get some help. Nursing should not hurt. Your baby needs help with his latch.

5.) http://breastfeedingcenter.org
If by any chance you live in Washington D.C., this is a wonderful resource with the best lactation consultants (IBCLC). Pat Shelly is a dream come true - she'll come to your house and get you both on track.

Dawn, Ha! You're a sucker. Welcome to parenting! I wish you good luck, which means of coarse, mor kids.

But don't make raising a single child seem like hard labor because it's not. It's easy. If you convince yourself that it is, you may end up with a bad attitude and your perspective of your life may sour. All the diaper changing, bathing, cooking, cleaning... I can do all that stuf with both eyes closed, one hand tied behind my back, on a bum knee. Big deal! The challange is to do it with a smile.

(Actually, the one hand tied behind my back is sort of an exageration)

the colick will go away soon, I'm surprised it hasn't already after 17 months. but then, you get a 2 year old and I'm telling you, "You haven't seen nothing yet!".

I'm sure you're not the type of person that ever frowned at the mother who's child was having a tantrom at the grocery store. I'm just saying this for the childless parents-to be to remind them that what comes around, goes around, so try to offer a helping hand when you see a tired, wired, parent.

If you ever need help, you can just ask me. (I'm your neighbor). It looks like you're putting in a lot of effort, and that explains the exhaustion. Keep up the good work!

"I think it's important to question your assumptions of what's possible. Sometimes we are trapped by choices we don't realize we've made (like living in an extremely expensive area)."

Posted by: WiSAHM | July 11, 2006 09:48 AM

I dislike this argument. Well, you CHOSE to live there so too bad. You should move. Yes, this area is difficult to afford, but I grew up here. My entire family is here (parents, brother, aunts, uncles, tons of cousins.) I know that if we moved I could not work and stay home with my kids, we could afford nicer vacations, etc., but this is my home. I don't want to deprive my children of the wonderful relationship they have with their grandparents and extended family. I don't consider moving from the DC area to be a solution to people's problems, or a choice they've made that they could easily change. It's not that simple.

Merriam-Webster defines guilt as "feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy" - I think this particular definition applies. It's the feeling of inadequacy rather than true guilt (i.e. having committed an offense of conduct or law) that I think we're talking about here. In trying to balance the many obligations - self-imposed and life-generated - women translate feeling inadequate into feeling guilty about not doing things "well enough."

It seems that if I think too much about family obligations while at work, I criticize myself for not focusing on work. If I think too much about work when I'm at home, I criticize myself for not putting my family first (or "first enough"). There's always some elusive, unreachable standard against which we can measure our conduct. But, it's also possible to accept that we're doing the best we can do. Sometimes the work does get done, the house does get clean, the laundry does get folded, and a hot dinner is enjoyed by all. Sometimes not.

I agree that the best assistance is organization. I have a system for everything and a husband and children who have learned that systems do make life easier. My favorite household tool is my label maker. Each child has a hook for backpack and jacket. We are slaves to our routines. We have master grocery lists and everyone does write it down when they use the last of something. My biggest time saver is a second dryer. It makes doing laundry take half the time. I rely heavily on a family calendar and my husband I use the same calendar program so we can sync our schedules.

The idea of balance is great but it doesn't always happen on a given day. I tend to look at a week rather than a day. Did we get it all done this week? Each day may not be a perfect balance, but overall we're doing better than "adequate."

I don't feel guilty. I'm doing the best I can to work, raise three children, balance family, life, community service, career, and generally meeting each of our individual needs. My ongoing challenge is to spend some one-on-one time with each of my childen and my husband. One thing that works for us is that on each child's birth date each month, we have a special event - just mom and that child. My husband and I are trying to extend that to a monthly "date" on the day of our anniversary.

I try not to compare myself to some ideal against which I'll never quite measure up. I don't think it's guilt that gets us so much as it's an expectation of perfectionism. Adequate is okay. Better than adequate is good. Perfectionism is not possible. Every woman I know feels inadequate about something, translated into guilt. Let go of the guilt - we're all doing the best we can.

Wow. I feel like this was written by me (except I don't get to telecommute). I know the incredible depression that comes from the anxiety and loneliness of the first few months of new motherhood AND I understand the relief from going back to work. Yes, my depression was relieved when I started back. I felt better but that only added to the guilt of separation. Work, however, is not an option for us, unless cardboard box is a housing option.

However, not only do I need to work, I love to work. I love my job. I love what I do and I am good at it. My parents are so proud of me for what I have achieved and I look forward to my son's future achievements. This is balance: finding what is good for my husband, our son, our life and me. (The emphasis on "our," not yours).

Dawn, ignore the negative and hurtful things these bitter, judgmental people are saying. If you love him and are doing your best to create a good life that supports you and your family, you are doing great. All the best and to each his own.

No matter if one is working in the home, outside the home or is a stay at home mom, there is guilt either way.

I feel guilty that my husband works as many hours as he does, I feel at times I should be contributing to the household although I do work one day a week.

Being around children all the time is soul draining, I love my kids, but this summer I put my five year old in part-time preschool three days a week....why because I like to do housework and grocery shopping in peace, sure I still have the baby with me, but it frees up my time with both kids once my oldest is home.

Do I feel guilty about bringing him to preschool, no because he loves going and it's better for him there then moping around the house missing his former school mates.

Do what is best for you and enjoy your life......and love your family like there is no tomorrow!

Great post. As another one from the area, I get tired of the you "choose" to live here stuff too. No, I stayed with my family.

Your sentiments are so familiar, but let them go. Mothers/women need to give themselves a break. If you are doing your best in this moment, congratulate yourself and then take on the next moment. Enjoy work when you are working. Enjoy your baby and husband when you are with them. Enjoy the attachment and constant contact for now, when he's 11 he'll wipe off your kisses, when he's 15 he'll make you drop him off around the corner from the movie theater. Be realistic about what you "can" and "can't" afford. Why can't a second baby share a room with this baby? A bigger house will come later when you aren't paying the equivalent of college tuition for daycare. What housework really needs to be done? Do you really have to pick up all of the toys everyday? Does the kitchen need to be that clean if your mother in law isn't coming to dinner? Buy paper plates, buy more socks and underwear at Costco. Be thoughtful and make responsible plans, but recognize and let go of the constant internal dialogue that diminishes your awareness and enjoyment of every waking moment.

I too felt like this is me talking in the blog. I still have these guilt feelings and my daughter is 5. My DH wants another but last year I suffered a tubal pregnancy that burst and at 38 I really have doubts.

Also, on the subject "you chose to live there", I moved to a more expensive area because that is where my DH got a job not because of prestige (we're not even in a fancy neighborhood). We can't afford the crazy home prices here but we couldn't afford the more affordable house in a different cheaper state without a job to pay for it. Everyone has to do what they gotta do.

I understand the choose to live here comments becuase it's easy somteimes to forget that people were born and raised here. I don't think the poster really meant any offense by it though.

I actually only know two people who were born here, everyone else came from somewhere else and they don't want to leave either for the reasons you pointed out, which are really good ones. I'd be living in Northeast Ohio if me and my husband could find a job there.

I am asking because I really don't know and am not trying to be hostile but what is the point of working from home if your kid isn't there? Isn't the whole point of working from home is being able to spend more time wth your family?

To "Oh please," my employer does not permit us to work at home with children present (without another caregiver) because caring for our children would prevent us from working. Telework is useful when we would eliminate a long commute or when we would shelter ourselves from other coworkers who would bother us when we need alone time to accomplish a project. We are also not allowed to care for elderly adults wile teleworking. Make sense? So, telework does give me more family time because I work 5 min from my kids' school and daycare versus 45 minutes from work. If I telework, I get an hour and a half more time with my kids once I factor in the parking and walking, not counting the dressing up time that isn't required.

You're missing my point. If you choose to live in DC because of benefits for you and your family, own that and feel good about it. If you're not happy, change something, don't just talk about what the area, society, etc... force you to do. Change might not be easy, but it beats spending your life being miserable (not that everyone in the DC metro area is miserable, but I sure was when I lived there). I'm not knocking the DC area specifically either, just suggesting that a change you haven't considered might be just what you need.

"I think it's important to question your assumptions of what's possible. Sometimes we are trapped by choices we don't realize we've made (like living in an extremely expensive area)."

People seem to be reading this differently than I did. I thought WiSAHM was just pointing out that we all have choices and options that we sometimes don't realize we have even made. I, too, choose to live in this area because of family, career, etc.; the tradeoffs are expenses, commute, etc. I don't think WiSAHM was saying that choice is bad, just pointing out that it is a choice, and that all choices have tradeoffs.

Personally, I have been much happier since I started to look at all of these things as choices, because that reminds me that I have the power over my own life. We have been faced with a lot of things out of our control (job loss and moves, miscarriage, etc.). When I kept thinking of all the things that were happening "to" me, it was easy to get into a "why me?" pity-party. But when I started realizing that I had choices (i.e., when he lost his job and we had to move cross-country, I CHOSE to go with him), it helped remind me that I was living my priorities (i.e., I valued my marriage above all else), and gave me a sense of power and control in a hard time. It also reminds me that, when I'm not happy about something, it's up to me to figure out what to do about it.

That also helps with the guilt, btw. When I focus on the day-to-day events as resulting from conscious choices I have made, it reminds me of what my priorities are; by comparing that to how I am managing things on a day-to-day basis, it helps me realize that my choices are supporting our long-term goals, which then helps the guilt fade.

I'm leaving on a three-day busienss trip, and my daughter is staying with a friend. I kissed her good-bye 90 minutes ago and I'm already feeling guilty! I live in a state of perpetual guilt, or so it seems. It's good to know I'm not the only one...I feel less neurotic already : )

As for choosing to NOT live in the WDC area...there are several of us who have posted here that we built our careers in WDC then chose to live in a more affordable area. It was a better standard of living that brought me to Phoenix two years ago. WDC is a tough place to raise a child as a couple; it was exponentially difficult as a single mom.

I suspect others will be making that choice to leave as well (housing prices, two-hour commutes, 60-70-hour work weeks stink). Of course, it's a much more difficult choice to make if your roots are there. Conversely, I read an article that profiled a poor West Virginia community and the effects of welfare reform (i.e., the benefits are not lifetime anymore). A main point of the article: people are choosing to live in generational cycles of poverty because they do not want to leave their hometowns. Sometimes change is more frightening than a bad situation for some folks.

Laura,

That was a nice post. Great way to look at things.

I lived in DC for nearly a decade. Then, I moved to another state, to a rural area, with a much cheaper cost of living. No, I could not find a job in the field I got my graduate degree. I had to take a $20K pay cut and switch careers. So did my husband. But, we now have kids and our lives are much less rushed. We have a huge yard. We know our neighbors.

We still struggle with "balance." I cannot afford "not" to work. But living in DC and working in my chosen field were "choices." They were not mandates forced upon me. When some people say they cannot find a job in a certain area, I'm convinced they mean a job in a specific field or for a specific salary, because I've been there.

I'll probably move back to a city once the kids are older or grown, but for now I'm "pretty sure" I've made the right choice. Come on, we're never "really sure" about our choices. We just do the best we can. That's what parenting and life is about! :)

"I guess I just dont get the guilt. I especially have difficulty understanding any benefit of dwelling on the guilt and then feeling guilty about feeling guilty. "

Well for one thing, have you noticed that dwelling on it gets people published?

When was the last time you saw an article about a parent who utterly enjoyed the vast majority of time spent parenting, who went back to work without a second of guilt, who enjoys both job and kid(s), and who thinks the whiners are a bunch of self-absorbed ninnies who don't have enough aggravation in life?

Hey. That's me! And I'm a single parent, too! But I'm figuring Leslie would not be interested in hearing from parents like that. Nor is anyone else. The modern zeitgeist is that parents must suffer, particularly women.

Am I reading the same blog as everyone else?

Mom in Canada said "No matter if one is working in the home, outside the home or is a stay at home mom, there is guilt either way."

Both yesterday and today, there have been many posters who have emphatically said that they don't feel guilty and that it's not a fact of life that you have to feel guilty.

EMH said: "Dawn, ignore the negative and hurtful things these bitter, judgmental people are saying."

Are you talking about posters on this blog? I don't think there have been any bitter, judgmental posts today...on the contrary, almost everyone has been supportive. There were a couple of posts early on that questioned the telecommuting and doing housework thing, but the tone today (so far!) seems very positive.

"Nor is anyone else. "

I am!!

I agree about today being positive. Who cares what people think about your work scheudle, they are probably just jealous they can't do it.

"Both yesterday and today, there have been many posters who have emphatically said that they don't feel guilty and that it's not a fact of life that you have to feel guilty."

But that's because they are BAD PARENTS.

Look, a large segment of suburban wives are either setting the stage for leaving work or justifying their existence to quit. They don't have farmwork anymore, and housework is optional. What are they going to do except pretend that motherhood is incredibly difficult and incredibly painful?

"I dislike this argument."

Is it really the argument you dislike, or the tough choice that high cost areas place on people. It is, in fact, not impossible to move. I've done it (and, though I really, really didn't want to, it worked out well).

"Yes, this area is difficult to afford, but I grew up here. My entire family is here (parents, brother, aunts, uncles, tons of cousins.) . . . this is my home."

Fine - that may well be the right choice for you and your family. But please, don't throw up your hands and say "I didn't have a choice." There are people in this world who're trapped in situations from which they can't escape, but that doesn't apply to most (if any) of the people chatting on this blog. You made a choice.

"or justifying their existence to quit. "

Whoops. Justifying their decision to quit.

Thanks so much to everyone for the encouragement and great breastfeeding websites. Reading this blog in the lulls between colic storms is my main relaxation. I feel so relieved to know that not every new mom instantly dons a halo of bliss. That's why I can really relate to Dawn's guilt. How could I not completely enjoy something as miraculous as having a child? It's good to hear that things get better. I will hopefully get through the coming weeks with more patience.

To It's Like This: I really appreciated the lawyer analogy. That was the first time I have laughed out loud in two weeks.

To SS: Allow me to back you up, despite the webster definition. Organization is the key to happiness, I SWEAR! Routines are the key to running the house. Calendars are sacred texts here. And as far as housework goes,if you just do a little bit every day, it never gets to be a crisis. I spend ten minutes puttering in my bedroom every night, and over the last three months have cleaned every drawer, basket, shelf and rack. I know some people hate to clean, but it is instant gratification, and you will love living in an orderly environment. And the less stuff you have, the less time maintaining it leaving more time for more important things. I went back to work when my daughter was 8 months old. It almost killed me, but if I didn't, I would have died.

There is NO ONE I want to spend 24/7 with, and that includes my sweet and funny kids, my wonderful husband and my best friend. There is nothing I want to do 24/7 either. Not sleep, eat, play, or work. I like to do all of them, and they are all important to me maintaining my balanced life. I may not like the way Linda Hirshman said it, but working is not a bad thing. For me, working part-time is one answer.

And to the breast-feeding mom--you can't really be stable until about 5 weeks. If you hang in there it really will get better. It is kind of like boot camp. After about 6 weeks life VASTLY improves!

""Both yesterday and today, there have been many posters who have emphatically said that they don't feel guilty and that it's not a fact of life that you have to feel guilty."

But that's because they are BAD PARENTS."

What is this? If you don't feel guilty you're per se a bad parent? So, if they do feel guilty, then they are GOOD PARENTS? If so, what the heck do they have to feel guilty about? In your view, is it possible for ANYONE to be a good parent?

More to the point, you seem to be suggesting that it is wrong for a woman not to be employed outside the home. Where did that come from?

To everyone else, I've seen several people on this blog ask "where do SAHM's get the idea that they're choice is not valued, and that they're looked down on?" They get that idea from the comments of people like Cal.

I think the BAD PARENTS comment may have been sarcastic.

But I don't get Cal's paragraph about suburban mothers. I didn't think she felt that way about SAHMs, but I could be wrong.
Maybe an explanation free of sarcasm would help?

To Cal--I smell a troll! But anyone else, being at home with small children, especially three under five, can be pure hell. And another thing young man/woman/troll! It works out financially for my family to have me work part-time. My husband makes a pretty good salary, and if I made what I could if I worked full-time, we would actually be worse off in terms of taxed and disposable cash.

Here is a question. If you won the lottery, say 4 million dollars, which, after taxes and paid out yearly for 20 years is about 100K, what would you do? Moms and dads, please answer. My husband, who is fairly young (33) would sell our house, lock stock and barrel and we would live somewhere like Guatamala. He would play guitar and I would teach English, learn Spanish and set up a coffee shop. I have to have things to do. He likes to amuse himself. That all sounds good. I am going to go buy a lottery ticket!)

It's Like This -- Your post about being a 24/7 lawyer was GREAT. So, so true! Great way to drive home how and why it is so hard to be a parent.

I know this blog is not about the DC area, but I have to put my two cents in after reading what people have been writing about the cost of living in DC.

I grew up in Rockville. I recently got married to a man who grew up in Columbia. When we decided to buy a house, we realized that we could not afford to live anywhere near our families or our jobs (in Bethesda). And together we make six figures. Then we realized that if we ever wanted kids we could not afford to raise them the way we wanted to.

So we decided to move. We live in near Raleigh, NC, in a great three bedroom house with an acre of land in a great neighborhood. The hard part is that both of our families are still in the DC area. What's made it easier is that it's a 5 hour drive home. We make the drive once a month to see our family and friends, and our friends can easily take a weekend to visit us.

We might move back one day because we're Washingtonians at heart, but we knew that for this time in our lives, there were better options than DC.

And another thing! I have no guilt about my kids. The brownie I just ate, yes. My kids, they could be a little better and have it a little better, but not much! O.K. I am leaving now.

It always annoys me to hear people tell moms: "Don't feel guilty, you do what you can."

Sure, that's fine, coupled with a willingness to apologize to your child later on, should whatever you're trying to brush over cause a lasting problem (I'm not saying it WILL, just discussing this in broad terms).

But it seems to me that often other people are too quick to say, "Don't worry, be happy."

Children require sacrifice, and if we are to be good parents, then sometimes we have to sacrifice. That may mean we don't fulfill our own needs for a time.

Sometimes I think our society is too focused on "Yes, but what's best for ME?" I think if we don't do right by our child and we know it, then we shouldn't brush it off. We should feel badly, make it right, and move forward, wiser.

I think women need a Thesaurus. I don't think they're feeling "guilt". Guilt (per the dictionary) relates to feelings associated with committing an offense. Do you really feel guilty because you're not home with your child? Can we rediagnose? Do you feel ashamed because you think you're not doing a good job? Are you embarrassed that someone else is raising your kid? For the record, my 2 year old has been in daycare since he was 10 weeks old and I haven't spent one moment feeling guilty. He loves it. What do I feel? Overcommitted. Tired. Sad at the thought of the lost moments while he still "needs" me. What else do I feel? Joy at my contribution to society through my job at a non-profit. Pride at my professional choices knowing that those choices will be examined by my children. Elated with my success. But not guilt. I would feel guilty if he were in sub standard day care. But he's not. It's the best there is and he is truly loved and cared for by amazing teachers. What child suffers by being loved by mulitple adults? I reinforce at home what he learns at school. They reinforce the discipline that I try to instill. And all of it, with lots of love, care, and attention. Life is a balance -- isn't that what the column is about? Let's explore what we feel so that we're making the right choices for the right reasons and not always defaulting to guilt.

Sad that so many women, like Dawn, have no idea what motherhood is like. It seems we perpetuate a mythological, idealized unattainable image of it, instead of honestly telling it like it is. We need to share our experiences and feelings with each other, and with the next generation of moms and dads, so that they can be better prepared and suffer less guilt. Just give yourself a break, Dawn, you're doing fine.

"I think the BAD PARENTS comment may have been sarcastic. "

You think?

Of course it was sarcastic.

Suburban moms comment: At the higher income levels (lawyers, doctors, executives), affording the mother's departure from work is fairly easy. But move down into the mid-level professionals (management, computer programmers) and families take quite a cut in income when the mom quits.

So if the mom quits, it makes life easier if she's SUFFERING the AGONIES of leaving her precious kids with strangers. Once she's home, it's easier to justify if parenting is incredibly hard, ennervating, and non-stop.

There are moms (and dads) who quit work, cheerfully acknowledge it's a great luxury and aren't they lucky?, and have a ball hanging out with the kids because lord knows there's not all that much to do. Not many, though.

"They get that idea from the comments of people like Cal."

Indeed. SAHMs should never, ever get the impression they are anything more than a luxury item living a cushy life that someone else pays for, and they should usually be certain they are risking their own financial security as well as that of their children's. They certainly should not consider themselves to have value beyond their family. They should, ideally, get that impression from everyone if they are too silly to figure it out for themselves.

"Children require sacrifice, and if we are to be good parents, then sometimes we have to sacrifice. That may mean we don't fulfill our own needs for a time."

No ... children should be welcome additions to a family but NOT the center of it. Dr. Phil has studied children who grow up in that environment and many of them grow up feeling entitled, selfish and self-centered. Is that REALLY what you're trying to achieve?

I'm really sorry, but I just don't get it. Please explain this to me. Why does everything have to be a crisis all the time?

No one is tired. They are "suffering from bone-breaking, soul-crushing exhaustion." Geez, lighten up. Either take a nap or see a doctor.

No one goes to work. They "derive stimulation and challenge from a fulfilling career." I don't get it. I go to work. I work hard and do my job. They pay me. I come home to my family. If I didn't need the money, I wouldn't go anymore. End of story.

People have to "deal with the intense drudgery of housework." Again, lighten up. Doing laundry is not a big deal. Cooking dinner does not have to be a grand banquet. If you hate doing yardwork, live in a condo. All of those things can be out-sourced if they are too much trouble. And none of them (except dinner) need to be done every single day. Do a couple of things a day and if the towels don't get washed until tomorrow or the carpet doesn't get vacuumed this week, who cares?

And the guilt! Where does this come from? Do you really think that doting on your child 24-7 is the answer? Is that the goal? You'll make them nuts! Kids NEED to have time with other kids. They NEED to go to school. It's not like they are growing up institutionalized in a third world country because they spend four hours in day care four days a week. There is more than one way to raise a good kid and you do not have to answer to anyone other than yourself about the choices that are right for you, so stop stressing about it. If you can't, an excellent place to start would be to stop reading internet forums where all anyone tells you is that you are doing everything wrong.

It all comes down to choices. You choose your path and you walk it. If you aren't happy with the choices you have made, acknowledge that and make changes. Realize also that life is not a bed of roses and no one ever said it would be. Not everything will work out like you want it. Not every day will be a picnic. You won't leap from bed feeling great every day. Just deal with it and move on.

Choose to play the victim, though, and that is all you will ever be.

"SAHMs should never, ever get the impression they are anything more than a luxury item living a cushy life that someone else pays for, and they should usually be certain they are risking their own financial security as well as that of their children's. They certainly should not consider themselves to have value beyond their family. They should, ideally, get that impression from everyone if they are too silly to figure it out for themselves."

Actually in the Millionaire Next Door there was a good analysis that a traditional housewife at home can be a real financial asset to a family. Another book that looks at the costs of work is Your Money or Your Life

Working has a lot of costs - not just childcare and commuting costs, but additional costs in one's food budget, opportunity costs of not having time to properly budget, expensive vacations to destress, expensive toys to amuse the kids, etc.

If you look at a family as an economic unit, it -may- be served well by people working differently at different times. Just because someone does childcare and housekeeping for a few years does not lay waste to all their financial plans forever, nor does it make them kept and useless. It may not.

Fine - that may well be the right choice for you and your family. But please, don't throw up your hands and say "I didn't have a choice." There are people in this world who're trapped in situations from which they can't escape, but that doesn't apply to most (if any) of the people chatting on this blog. You made a choice.

Posted by: | July 11, 2006 12:14 PM

Just to clarify my earlier post, I never said I didn't have a choice, I said it wasn't that simple. Obviously, I've weighed the options, and I choose to live in the DC area for many reasons. I just get annoyed when people suggest moving from this area will solve all sorts of problems. It may solve some money issues (like affordable housing), but quality of life is what's important to me, and I would be absolutely miserable anywhere else. Moving from DC is not an option for people like me who love being here, so I wish people would stop touting it as a great solution. It's not a choice I am willing to make.

Rebecca,

I think you missed part of the point of what some of us have been trying to say. Parenting is a tremendous responsibility, and should be taken very, very seriously. No one (I hope) is trying to imply otherwise. Kids, as you correctly point out, also require sacrifice (and as the parent of a college student, I can say that staying up late to comfort a child with the colic is the least of it).

On the other hand, millions of parents with no special training have succesfully raised generations of functional adults with nothing but love and concern. I would suggest that some parents worry about the wrong things - kids are more resiliant than we sometimes think, and not getting into the right preschool does not necessarily mean that your child is going to lose out as an adult.

We will make mistakes - our parents did too. Most of us turned out o.k. If we take the job seriously and do our best, our kids will turn out o.k. too. Recognizing that isn't quite the same thing as saying "don't worry, be happy."

I absolutely agree with you that parents can't be focused on "what's best for ME?"

My recommendation for parental guilt is a pretty simple process:

1) Ask "why do I feel guilty?"

2) If it's because I'm human and make mistakes, get tired, get cranky, and don't know everything, then I need to forgive myself

3) But if it's because there's something about the choices I'm making or the way I've arranged my life that I can't feel good about, I need to fix it

"I think if we don't do right by our child and we know it, then we shouldn't brush it off. We should feel badly, make it right, and move forward, wiser."

Amen to that.

What I really object to is the idea that some sort of unavoidable, free-floating sense of guilt is the natural state for a parent - regardless of how responsible a person is. If we're honest, we generally know if we're taking good care of our kids, or giving them the short end of the stick (and taking good care of them does not mean perfectionism, or indulging their every whim). If it's the short end of the stick, then guilt is an appropriate response - but not something we should accept and live with like bad weather.

Cal:

""I think the BAD PARENTS comment may have been sarcastic. "

You think?

Of course it was sarcastic."

Don't treat me like I'm a fool by continuing with the sarcasm. I recognized that you were likely being sarcastic, but another poster did not....so obviously it wasn't completely apparent.

The rest of your post - well, I think it's bunk. And that's all I have time for. But I appreciate the fact that you at least were honest about how you felt rather than covering it up with confusing statements.

I agree with the posters who said "guilt" is probably not the right word. I have never understood why anyone would feel "guilty" about not being able to do everything, or even about trying to maintain some semblance of your life when you have little kids. You should feel guilty about leaving a toddler strapped in a carseat in the car while you get your nails done. You should not feel guilty about working. Or puttting them in daycare. Or letting the laundry pile up. Or making your husband get up at 2 am to give the baby a bottle instead of you waking up to nurse them.

Even babies have to learn that mom cannot be there every second. The will learn--sometimes your tummy will be empty for a little while. Sometimes you have to sit in a bouncy seat instead of mommy's lap. Sometimes somebody else changes your diaper or holds you when you're napping. Don't feel guilty!

Plus, if you characterize your feelings as "guilt," it's an internal issue that no one can help with. If you admit that you are tired, or stressed, or whatever you are really feeling, you can focus on a SOLUTION--getting help, cutting back, or even just recognizing that being a mom (esp. a working mom) is HARD and sometimes you just have to get through it a day at a time.

I apologize for the completely off topic post. Leslie, it might be interesting at some point in the future to blog about managing work-life balance in addition to managing relationships with incredibly overbearing parents or in-laws. Managing those relationships is incredibly time consuming and stressful in itself--especially when you have so little time as a parent and employee.

When I have this strong urge to turn around and go home to spend the day with my family instead of going to work, I call it homesickness, not guilt.

I'm wondering if I'm the only one who has sex in the office on their telecommute day. Anybody else? Should I feel guilty about this? I don't, but I'm the type of guy that doesn't feel guilty about taking a nap at the office either.

They are going to fire me someday, but right now, I'm having a lot of fun!

OK, folks, carry on...

Right on, JJ! I don't really get what the big deal is anyway, about people taking time off from work periodically during the course of their lifetimes. It seems that many of these bloggers have a "one size fits all" mentality about how adults should live their lives. If you can and want/need to, who cares if a person takes off to fulfill some other purpose.

There are many circumstances where people make the choice to not work or work PT for a while -- to care for their kids, their parents, their spouse -- life can throw many a curve ball. We're just trying to not get hit.

"Don't treat me like I'm a fool by continuing with the sarcasm. "

I wasn't treating you like a fool. I just thought you were being overly polite to the other person, because it *was* completely apparent.

And sarcasm has many purposes, so I can use it for some other purpose than treating you like a fool. Although if you continue to be huffy, I'm sure I'll end up with that objective.

You think it's bunk to suggest that women may have a vested interest in making parenting look harder than it is to justify quitting work? Hmm. Well, I won't be sarcastic. But I could be.

"Indeed. SAHMs should never, ever get the impression they are anything more than a luxury item living a cushy life that someone else pays for, and they should usually be certain they are risking their own financial security as well as that of their children's. They certainly should not consider themselves to have value beyond their family. They should, ideally, get that impression from everyone if they are too silly to figure it out for themselves."

Cal, I just gave up on you. I've been blessed to make enough money that we can afford for my wife to stay home with our kids. It is, indeed, a blessing, and we feel very fortunate. It hasn't been without some sacrifice, however - there have been many things we could not afford as a result. Neither one of us is asking for any sympathy over that - our kids, and my wife's time with them, are more important.

My wife is not a "luxury item," nor is she living a "cushy life." Frankly, life would be significantly cushier and more luxurious if we had the second income. Nor are you, Cal, paying for her staying home (we could maunder a bit about tax preferences, but we're in a middle income bracket where there really isn't much if any tax benefit from her being home).

I'm going to be very, very blunt. You are directly fueling the "mommy wars" - and doing it in a surprising irresponsible way. I strongly suspect you'd go ballistic if my wife or I were to challenge the choices you've made in the same way you're denegrating SAHM's. I fully recognize the financial and career pressures that lead many, if not most, moms to work outside the home. Had my income been less, my wife would have made the same decision (as she did before the birth of our first child). It is - to use your word - "silly" not to recognize, however, that there are arguably very good reasons for a couple to value having one parent at home. It may be an expensive option, and it may be an option that's not available to everyone - but it's not inherently self-indulgent nor socially irresponsible.

If you do choose to argue that staying at home to raise your own children is inherently self-indulgent or socially irresponsible, you're going to hurt and anger people. Don't be surprised when your own choices are challenged.

"Oh, and from this minute forward, people would be allowed to phone you in the middle of the night with law-related questions, stand outside the bathroom while you're peeing demanding that you answer their questions about tort reform RIGHT NOW! And they'd follow you into the shower and demand you talk about the law.

You would only be allowed to be friends with other lawyers, you'd get no vacations, no weekends off, and you wouldn't get paid! And when you told people what you did, they'd look bored and wander away."

EXACTLY why I don't have children and have never regretted it.

I have also seen people who make their children the center of attention. My little brother in law was one. He and his mother did everything together. She discouraged him from forming friendships and being normal. She put him above everyone, even her marriage, unfortunalty two years ago she died. Now he is 22 and acts like a ten year old.

I agree with the poster who said they are additions to the family, not the center of the world.

"Don't treat me like I'm a fool by continuing with the sarcasm. "

I wasn't treating you like a fool. I just thought you were being overly polite to the other person, because it *was* completely apparent."

I gotta disagree with you, Cal - your post didn't make a heck of a lot of sense. You start out seeming to mock parents who say they aren't guilty, then mock SAHM's (and seem to conflate the two). A little humor can leaven a serious discussion - but too much will make it incoherent (and make it appear that you, yourself, aren't serious minded enough to have anything relevant to say).

i give up on you has very good points. I don't even understand what cal's issue is or who she is so upset with or why?

Jennifer -- Like your idea about a column on how to deal with overbearing parents and in-laws. Long found that working, in itself, provides an unassailable excuse to "just say no" to overinvolvement from above.

"My wife is not a "luxury item," "

Your wife isn't, but the fact that she stays at home certainly is. You apparently don't know what a luxury item is, though. A luxury item is something you don't need, but spend the money for anyway.

So when you say that you can "finally afford" to have her stay home, you are confirming my point. Your wife's unemployment is the functional equivalent of a BMW--a nonessential that your increased salary finally made possible. an unessential that you previously did without. You can dress it up with fancy words like "blessing", but that, like the talk about the difficulty of parenting, is propaganda designed to make stay at homes feel better about themselves.

"You are directly fueling the "mommy wars" - and doing it in a surprising irresponsible way. "

There's no "mommy war". There are responsible parents and irresponsible parents. Most stay at home moms are financially irresponsible.

But the best way to determine whether or not you are a responsible parent is to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Can I independently provide my children with the trappings I consider fundamental?

2. If not, am I doing everything I can to achieve that state?

If you answer "no" to either of those questions, you're not a responsible parent--regardless of your employment status.

Now, lots of moms take the risk and things work out okay. But it's still a risk, and it's not responsible.

And yes, stay at homes are costly to society as a whole. I posted about that in a previous thread.

While this is off-topic, I do think that the overabundance of needless angst in the author's post has much to do with the fact that women feel the need to justify staying at home.

Is It Just Me? -- you are not alone. I totally agree.

SS wrote "Every woman I know feels inadequate about something, translated into guilt." I'm a woman and I do not feel inadequate and I'm not suffering from feelings of guilt.

What does "guilt" feel like? I honestly don't know. Oh, I remember feeling guilty when the cashier at the Giant accidentally gave me back an extra $10. I felt so much guilt -- the impression that I was doing wrong -- that I went back to the store and returned the money to her.

I can't believe so many people are runnning around 24/7 feeling like, it seems, most everything they are doing is "wrong". What a sad way to live. Please, if you are having so many guilt feelings, get some meditation tapes or find some way to break these destructive thought patterns.

"Most stay at home moms are financially irresponsible. "

Is this really Linda Hirschman?

"You start out seeming to mock parents who say they aren't guilty,"

Given that I felt no guilt in a previous post, that would be a very unlikely interpretation for anyone with a triple digit IQ.

As for the rest, I comment because I have something to say. Convincing, or even engaging, any of the regular commenters is at best a miniscule objective. Style lessons are really wasted on me.

Good lord. Skipping words right and left today--a much greater concern than engaging with commenters.

Given that I said I felt no guilt, etc.

I am asking because I really don't know and am not trying to be hostile but what is the point of working from home if your kid isn't there? Isn't the whole point of working from home is being able to spend more time wth your family?

Not necessarily. When you are working, you should be working and not spending time with your family. Working from home allows people to avoid long commutes, focus on things that require concentration without interruptions from coworkers, and occasionally does give flexibility to let the plumber in or do a load of laundry, but the point is to work, not spend time with family. I have a friend whose husband works at home full time, and he is up in his office from 7:00 am until noon, comes down for lunch, and is back in his office from 1:00 until 4:00 pm. He gets to spend more time with his family by having lunch with his wife and not having to commute, but his work is his priority during work hours.

Cal, I'm a stay at home mother and yes, to your first question, I could independently provide my children with the trappings I consider fundamental. So how am I costing society? I pay taxes on my investment income just like everyone else. I contributed to Social Security for 15 years. Leaving the workplace freed up a job for someone else who really needed it. If you somehow think I am a cost to society, then I consider that I aided society in that way.

I'm coming into this conversation late so I haven't read all of the above comments.

I did want to say that the first baby is the hardest. It is a shock to realize that this little think can be so needy! I was a medical resident with my first and I couldn't wait to go back to every fourth night call. I got more sleep! So the writer's and some of the poster's feelings are totally normal. It's sort of a deep dark secret in our society that most parents can't wait to get back to work. We don't express this that often because it's not PC and when we do, we do as Dawn did and do it in a coy, conflicted manner. No one can ever tell you or any other parent that you don't love your child as much as anyone else just because you crave to go back to work.

Many years ago, generations ago and in other cultures a woman had her mother, sisters, sisters-in-law, etc to help with the caring of the children. We live in a commuter society and so many of us are "isolated" from our families. No one should feel guilty for wanting to have breaks from their children. Please, it's better for them if you do.

With regard to the guilt and work thing--I absolutely feel none of that. And I wish more women didn't either. Then families could ask for what they need, assume that we'll get it and all of us can live happy albeit unbalanced lives. Work makes us feel useful and a contributor to society and the economy. Work is good. It is good for our children. The saddest thing for me to realize now is that my mother who is now 70, was valedictorian of her high school, dropped out of college, stayed at home and is now an unhappy person with regrets. I've actually heard her say that she regrets that her parents couldn't afford college. Being useful and wanting to be a contributor to society (beyond the procrating) is a normal feeling.

And this post is meant to be supportive of the writer and others on the blog. I don't need to be attacked for supporting working motherhood.

"There's no "mommy war". There are responsible parents and irresponsible parents. Most stay at home moms are financially irresponsible."

You have got to be out of your mind. Whether you label it a "mommy war" or not, you're starting a war when you make a blanket assertion that most SAHMs are irresponsible.

"So when you say that you can "finally afford" to have her stay home, you are confirming my point. Your wife's unemployment is the functional equivalent of a BMW--a nonessential that your increased salary finally made possible. an unessential that you previously did without. You can dress it up with fancy words like "blessing", but that, like the talk about the difficulty of parenting, is propaganda designed to make stay at homes feel better about themselves."

Please wake up and smell the coffee - I did not beat my breast over the difficulty of raising kids, nor claimed that my wife was some sort of martyr. And yes, my income level is a blessing (I really did luck into a better career than I deserve, based on my very limited efforts in school).

"A luxury item is something you don't need . . . " My wife and I made a very careful and conscious decision that her income was a luxury we could do without - because it was more valuable to us for her to be at home, raising our kids.

You have implicitly assumed that a wage income is valuable - and that working outside the home should be normative. But for some, it is not "necessary." (Many moms do, in fact, choose to forgo it.) Is it bad that some women find another use of their time more valuable? Would it be more responsible for my wife to take a salaried position, and then for us to spend her earnings on a) daycare; b) a larger house; and c) whatever we can afford with the remainder? If so, why?

I find it very telling that you said ". . .talk about the difficulty of parenting, is propaganda designed to make stay at homes feel better about themselves." Assuming they made that choice carefully and with the best interests of their families in mind, they have no reason to feel bad. Why would you assume otherwise? Do you really believe that SAHMs are wasting their time? (Are you willing to listen to what they may feel about the virtues of your choice?)

Cost, the main one would be social security. You will get paid based on your husband's contributions--or I should say, that's how SocSec is set up. If it werent' set up like that, one of the major expenses of stay at homing would disappear. The other major one is the deduction off of your taxes, but if you've got investments, you're producing income so the deduction is valid.

So based on your post, you're the classic example of a mom who earned her own luxury. Go you!

" I did not beat my breast over the difficulty of raising kids, nor claimed that my wife was some sort of martyr."

No. What you did was claim that she (or her decision to stay home) was not a luxury. You were in error. I trust you've seen the light.

"Assuming they made that choice carefully and with the best interests of their families in mind, they have no reason to feel bad."

Because all the available data shows that most of them did not make the choice carefully or in full consideration of the costs.

Doctor&mom, I'm sorry that your mother feels that way. My mother (who is also 70)graduated at the top of her class when she was 16. She couldn't be valedictorian because she had skipped two grades. In the fall her father handed her a $100 bill he couldn't really afford to give her. He told her to go to the local college and register. She would have been the first in her family to attend college.

That day she walked by the local Woolworth store and saw they were hiring. She thought about how much her family (two kids older and four younger than her) needed that $100 and she went in and got a job. After that she worked for Western Union and then for a bank. She gave her parents money. She loved her working years, but when she married she decided to be a SAHM.

When she was 48, she went to college and she got her associate's, then bachelor's, then master's degrees. She is now 70 and she would say that you make the choices that you make and try to be happy with them. She would say work AND education are good.

After a certain amount, no matter how much more you contribute to Social Security, you will not get "more" of a benefit. There is a cap. So once you have "paid in" so much, you have basically made your contribution and will get the max allowed benefit when you retire.

I'm on the run today, so haven't read any of the comments. But I wanted to take at least the time to tell Dawn that I loved her post. You did a great job of articulating the internal struggle that (I assume) so many parents feel. Thanks!

ssinfo--I don't think you'd argue that most stay at home moms reach that maximum level, though.

cal - You stated "because all the available data shows that most of them did not make the choice carefully or in full consideration of the costs" - could you please provide one of these studies? Because based on the anedoctal evidence I have seen with my friends, on this blog and generally in the media, most SHAP (moms & dads) made the choice after serious consideration.

Cal, I have worked at jobs that paid well but not great and I hit the maximum SS contribution by the time I was 33. And I didn't start working until age 21. So your generalization that "most SAHMs reach that maximum level" is bunk. Many SAHMs have worked several years at good to excellent wages before they decide to SAH for a time. And many of them plan to and DO go back to work later.

Sorry, I meant to say that Cal said most SAHMs do NOT reach the maximum SS level. Which is just wrong.

Just a comment for those of you having issues with all the housework. Would recommend that you check out www.flylady.net. Granted, she is a traditionalist, but her directions for decluttering and setting up routines can work whether you do all the work yourself or distribute it amongst your family. You will definitely feel less overwhelmed if you conquer your clutter.

For those of you feeling guilty, try to let go. Everyone is resource challenged, just in different ways. My SIL is a wealthy SAHM and she feels depressed and lonely most of the time. On top of that, she feels guilty for having so much and not being happy about it.

Enjoy your children, no matter how much time you have with them each day. Like others have said, you are doing what you can with what you have.

" I hit the maximum SS contribution by the time I was 33."

You're confused. We're talking about benefits, not contributions.

"could you please provide one of these studies? "

There's no need for a study. While all divorces result in an income hit for both spouses, two-income families recover far more quickly than the non-working parent (who is almost always custodial) of a one-income family. Welfare recipients are almost exclusively non-working parents, including many who had previously been supported by a boyfriend or husband.

Neither of these statements would be true if most stay at homes carefully assessed the risk. But then, if most stay at homes assessed the risk, they wouldn't leave the work force.

"Looking back, I feel guilty that I was so miserable and emotional then. It was all about me, when really it was all about this wonderful boy my husband and I had created. I couldn't get my head around that at the time.

Now I am longing to have another child before I am too old. I could handle an infant better this time. But my husband is iffy. We don't make enough money. I would want to stay home longer. Our house is not big enough. Without one of us taking an even more high-pressure job we can't afford to move up. We would need a second car but ditto on the money thing. Could I really handle two under 2-1/2?"

I can't speak to the money issues, but it's precisely because of the first paragraph I copied over here that you would be able to handle two under 2 1/2. My daughter was 2 years and 4 months old when my son was born. I kept her in day care the first two weeks I was home on maternity leave because I didn't feel confident that I could handle both children. I was amazed at how much easier it was to care for just my son than it had been to care for just my duaghter, in part because of the perspective I had that "this too shall pass." It didn't bother me as much if he cried a bit, if I couldn't get to him on time, etc., and I appreciated everything so much more, in particular because I was virtually certain he would be my last. Having both at home, once I was brave enough to do so, at the same time was harder because their needs were so different, but I can honestly say that I was more relaxed the second time around and things went much more smoothly. Each child is different, yes, but there are still some basics you learn from the first that you can apply to the second.

I wouldn't not have a child because of the size of your house. If nothing else, the baby can stay in your room a few years. My brother-in-law will be doing that. They are having their fourth child. The oldest is 16, and they have a 3-bedroom house. I would also take as much time off as possible. The first six weeks can be so bad, you don't want to have to be returning to work just when your baby's getting really cute. I took 3 months off after my daughter and 5 months off after my son, and it makes a world of difference to stay home longer. Particularly when you consider that somewhere in there the baby should start sleeping through the night.

Good luck to the mother of the newborn. Don't give up yet - it's only been three weeks! It will get better, and eventually will be a lot of fun. I don't think I've majorly messed either of my kids up, despite the fact that one day when my daughter wouldn't stop crying (at about four or five weeks) I started shouting at her to shut the &(*! up. She seems to have gotten over it. Not so sure about the cat, who was staring at me at the time like I was a crazy woman . . . . being home alone with a crying baby, particularly in the winter when the days are short, can do that to you.

Indeed, as you can see from the name I chose for myself, I eventually got to the point, even the first time I was home, where I never wanted to go back. (My husband and I didn't plan things as well as some of the other posters here so I had to, however. We could have made lifestyle changes that enabled me to stay home if we'd both agreed, but they were too drastic for him to sign onto.) So don't give up hope. If the career-track person I once was, who felt put-upon by my baby the first month or so, could eventually fall for her to the point of wanting to be a full-time mommy, there's hope for everyone!

"Most stay at home moms are financially irresponsible."

That's just not true. If you add up the costs of working they can be considerable - not just childcare but commuting/second car/insurance, work wardrobe/drycleaning, eating out/pre-prepared meals, etc.

And those are sort of basic expenses. There can also be costs like having to hire out home maintenance, medical costs due to stress and overtiredness, expensive vacations and camps and gizmos - because for /some/ people working means not having the energy to come up with a cheap vacation or play with the kids instead of signing them up for paid activities.

And an after-tax dollar saved is like $1.20 (depending on your income bracket) earned. So basically if either parent makes the costs of their work + 20%, it's entirely possible that it would be an even trade for them to stay home (assuming they don't then spend money on other things).

Of course their personality and long-term goals matter too; it's not just an economic decision.

But in some cases a family might end up with *more* money to put towards both partners' retirement savings, if one stays home.

That is one of the benefits of a family unit, economically - labour can be divided up in an efficient way that someone like a single parent just can't do.

All I'm saying really is that you really have to consider the actual costs and ac