Beware the Gatekeeper?

By Rebeldad Brian Reid

Last week, Time Magazine raised an interesting obstacle to involved fatherhood: "Gatekeeper Moms." According to Time, new moms acquire parenting skills more quickly, and -- as the de facto kid expert -- then begin cutting dad out of the day-to-day care rather than watch him fumble with the bottle/diaper/bedtime routine. It's not generally portrayed as a sinister, intentional thing, but rather a natural consequence of the economics of child-rearing: Let the expert (mom) handle it.

There are all kinds of smart objections to the "gatekeeper" idea. It emphasizes the dads-can't-parent canard, it blames moms for poor father involvement, it suggests that biology is destiny because breastfeeding is often the gateway to gatekeeping, it reinforces gender roles and so on.

What's worse, gatekeeping is nearly impossible to measure, so it's tough to draw any conclusions about the extent or history of gatekeeping. Indeed, I'd wager that this is a phenomenon in decline -- are there really that many new fathers out there who can play dumb when it comes to changing diapers, compared with a generation or two ago?

Still, it's worth bringing the topic up because gatekeeping does exist, though I'd prefer to think of it without all of the gender baggage and finger-pointing that Time dredged up. In my former life as a primary caretaker, I have been accused -- quite correctly -- of unconsciously swooping in to do kid-related tasks, so I don't see this as a mom-only thing.

The piece acknowledges fighting gatekeeping can be drag on an otherwise-efficient household. It can be quicker and easier to just cut one parent out of the loop when it comes to stopping the screaming/whining/biting/defiance; holding a family meeting to discuss the problem seems like overkill. But shining sunlight on the problem, cumbersome as it may be at the exact moment of the tantrum/crisis, is crucial to building a family unit where everyone can effectively parent.

Time has a bunch of smart solutions for those self-aware enough to recognize gatekeeping in their household: responsibility and commitment on the part of dads, trust on the part of moms, maybe even the "cold-turkey" step of leaving the house to the non-primary-caretaker for a few days. Makes sense to me, but I have to wonder: Is that enough to address the challenge, or is this an intractable problem?

Brian Reid writes about parenting and work-family balance. You can read his blog at rebeldad.com.

By Brian Reid |  August 17, 2006; 7:00 AM ET  | Category:  Dads , Division of Labor
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