It takes an incredibly loving person to put their own desires aside so that they can give a child the sort of love, devotion, and time that they so dearly need to thrive.

Your time with your child will be like gold that no one can ever tarnish or steal away.

I am on the motherhood/work balance beam. I returned to work part-time this fall, when my daughter entered kindergarten. I am so thankful for my years at home full-time, but also REALLY glad to be back at work, even if only on a part-time basis. I really like having work/being at home after school/and some time for my art. Having it all takes time and sometimes it is just a piece at a time. Enjoy your time with your child, as EVERYONE will tell you, the time WILL fly by, particularly that first short sleep year.

How nice to have the choice to stay home. Depending on a husband to provide all the income, though-- that doesn't quite make you the feminist you think you are.
Once again, I think this blog fails to provide a topic that resonates with more than just a few privileged upper-crusties inside the Beltway.
How does today's guest blog demonstrate balance, as the blog's title suggests? Today's writer isn't balancing, she chose not to balance work/family. She quit.
Not all of us can do that, and it gets tiresome having it rubbed in our faces by those who can.
There, I've said my piece. Feel free to bash away; I probably won't see the responses because I have to get to work.

I totally agree! I, too, have no choice!!!! So, I work, and I BALANCE!!!!! Also...Heather is providing a quick peak that romances her stay at home mom life. There are many not so great moments in her life, too (just like there is in all of ours). And there are many wonderful parent-child moments in our lives. Or, at least that's what gets me through the day. Have a good one :)

There's "Having it All" whether you can have it all now or have some now and some later. And there's "Having to Work"...because food needs to be placed on the table and kids need clothes. So...those who "have a choice" are very LUCKY indeed! BECAUSE...there are many of us that despite how many DECADES we work and save will NEVER be able to AFFORD to be home....

Stow the bitterness. She worked HARD for two decades, most likely saved a little, and damn** can stay home if she so chooses. Staying home with a kid isn't a lifetime choice, things change and change and change.....

I have no interest in bashing either moms who choose to stay home with their young children or moms who balance work and family. However, I want to describe yet a third option that speaks much more to true balance. It may not work for everyone - in fact, it comes with it's own unique challenges and sacrifices - but it definitely works for me. And that is called equal sharing. When our first child was born, both my husband and I negotiated 30hr/week work lives and staggered our schedules a bit so that we only needed outside childcare 18 hours per week. We both bring in money to support the family, and both have equally important careers. Neither of us has significantly sidelined our career at the expense of the other's. We both have plenty of intimate time with our 2 kids, and know them completely. Our kids get to know that they have two devoted parents and also get a bit of outside care each week for socialization learning and friendship. Our lives are not harried and crazy. Yes, this won't work TODAY for everyone. But it is a viable option that is so often glossed over. It takes planning, a decision to live simply, a commitment to equality over control, and a letting go of wanting to have that super powered career. Good enough is good enough...and I can vouch for the fact that life is good with equal sharing.

At-home mostly vs. At-work mostly

Too bad we are not civil about what is truly the other business and dignity of all people.

At some point, we stopped sniping about divorced people.

I wonder when we will stop sniping (or is this snarking) at families who get up each day, and do their best to keep body and soul together.

Thank you, Equal, for offering practical advise on balance.

Heather, have a good time with your true friends later, affirming how your family lives now.

To those who "have" to work, we know. You ARE balancing.

The author does make those afternoons with baby sound romantic, doesn't she? There definitely are those moments, but why do we talk those up and neglect to mention the screaming matches, the nights our kids wake us up a dozen times just to make sure there are no monsters in the house, the times when they whack the neigbor kid with some toy, etc., etc.

We can have it "all" in parenting. We just have to remember that "all" includes the not-so-fun parts, as well.

http://punditmom1.blogspot.com

To Collegeparkian:
When you have to work, it's a bit difficult to listen to some lady tell us that she's home taking her time...and enjoying every moment of the time that her child can enjoy learning ten million words! I visit the "balancing" blog because I want to hear from people who are balancing...that way I pick up ideas to balance better. This one just rubs it in!!!!!!

Ten million words? Let's talk numbers. I want to hear about the 10-15 diapers a day she changes (including those really smelly explosive ones where you have to give the child a sponge bath, and change the cloth on the changing table)...and the number of times a day that she breast feeds or bottle feeds (including the ones in the middle of the night when she wants to be sleeping), the number of times her child cries each day (and she has no idea what the problem is and the kid won't stop waaaaaing....), and the number of times each day that she wishes she had just a few minutes to herself! Hmmmm...those numbers don't sound so "romantic" do they??????

Sandra Day O'Connor stayed at home for five years when her children were small and it did not hurt her career.Take the time you need with your children, you will not regret it.Day care is expensive, there are ways to economize to meet expenses.Read books on money management,Suze Orman has some great advice.It takes courage to "quit", but you can if you have the desire and a plan.

There is a reason why I hate the saying "You can have it all, just not all at once." Why do a disproportionate number of women feel that way? Why don't more of us, like equal, require our husbands to "have it all, just not all at once?"
This question never seems to get answered....kind of like, if staying home were so great, why don't more men do it?

While I understand that this post could be annoying, in her own mind, she has already balanced. I mean I don't know how much a reported gets paid to go to a war zone, but I would like to think it is a lot. So maybe she saved her money and is now able to stay home. I really find it no different from the moms (me included) who want to work their butts off and have flexibility in their job and possibly stay home when their kids hit their teen years. Plus, she gave you a snapshot of what she does, I'm sure there is more to her day.

Plus, thinking she is privileged because she lives in Fairfax county is a joke, I lived there in an apartment along with countless other non-privileged people for two years.

What if you don't want to quit?

I don't see how it is suddenly so difficult 'to have it all.' My mom worked full-time throughout my childhood and still was a wonderful and devoted mother that spent time with us. She loved her job and she loved her kids and was dedicated to each. Why do we have to choose one or the other in today's day and age?

I think it's great that she wanted to stay home with her child but I don't understand how the fact that children absorb 10 million words in their first year of life drove her decision - does her child only hear her words?

There is the long view of "balancing" (full time work for a while, part time for a while, at home full time for a while), which this blog entry addresses, and the short term view of "balancing" (how I am going to get through this day/week/school year), which is what many blog readers really care about--probably because we're too busy to take the long view right now. Or know that it is likely that we will always be working outside the home, which makes blogs about full-time SAHPs kind of irrelevant. Many of us, as some have noted, come to the blog looking for help and advice, not validation. This is why I don't get why Leslie keeps posting entries like this--they are not particularly helpful and, if anything, can make working moms look or feel worse in comparison. And none of this would be a big deal if we didn't have to read stuff like "you must be such a loving parent to make the choice/sacrifice to stay home" -- we all try to be loving parents, no matter what our work/life choices.

What cynical comments! What happened to having respect for choices? I say good for her that she has options and is able to enjoy her life in the way she wants. Sounds like she earned the flexibility. That does not diminish anyone else's choice to live their lives the way they want. And it does speak to the "balance" issue, because this is the way one person chooses to balance. Maybe the negative reaction underscores the frustration a lot of people (including myself) feel about work/life balance-its hard!

Someone wrote: "To Collegeparkian:
When you have to work, it's a bit difficult to listen to some lady tell us that she's home taking her time...and enjoying every moment of the time that her child can enjoy learning ten million words! I visit the "balancing" blog because I want to hear from people who are balancing...that way I pick up ideas to balance better. This one just rubs it in!!!!!!"
--
So many things hurt us or tear us down a bit. So, be gracious and take care of yourself with your family and friends.

We are all doing our best. Life is not fair. Let's not point at other choices or good fortune or luck or just differences.

I like reading about balance too, so Equal's post is especially good in that way.

As for the work/home thing, we all find our balance-spot and the spot changes over time.

Let me offer this perspective: the balance-work-home thing takes on huge dimensions for me. I have a child with a life-threatening illness. Wish it wasnt' so. Most kids and families do not live with this. Won't help me if I resent that others don't have this.

---
So, on blogs, perhaps we share information, and respond respectfully. We can share "harder" thoughts with friends, privately.

I do hope I have not offended. I see each family's decisions as private and each family as precious and dignified.

Work hard. Love hard. Play hard. Have tea and footrub when you get home. Look at the stars and talk about Pluto to your children. Wonder.

I don't get the 10 million words comment either. Babies in good day care or with a good nanny develop just as well as stay at home babies. Otherwise, I liked her piece, she did say she had an exteme job with much dangerous travel. And she never said everyone should stay at home, she just wrote an article about her decision to stay home for awhile. If you don't want to or can't stay home, please don't get all defensive. I think we should respect each other's decisions, as parents can gain much by working together.

To to em, What if you dont want to quit? I said take the time you need with your kids, if you dont need any more time than you currently have then things are fine for you.

Here's my balance for the day:

Wake up at 5, wake 11-year-old son up at 5:30; take him to work at polling place for SSL's.
Return home; wake 9-year-old son, take him to vote with me (and husband off to work); take 9-year-old to daycare.
Go to work from 9-10.
Leave at 10 to pick up 11-year-old. Bring him home because his daycare is closed.
Return to work for a few hours.
Return home because do not want to leave son at home alone too long.
Work from home this afternoon if possible, if not, then use leave.

Why am I even blogging?!? There's no time to read or respond to the blog!

I think parents, especially mothers, are often too hard on ourselves. Reading someone else's story on how they balance can feel like a condemnation of how we do it. I don't think that's necessary. This is Heather Murphy Capps' story and that's fine for her. It may help some people and may not help others. I think we're all just trying to do the best we can whatever our given situation is. So don't look for condemnation where there isn't any because there's plenty out there that is there. In this story, I think the balance is of the "to everything there is a season" variety rather than the "how to make it through each day" as a working parent variety. It's just a different view of balance.

This isn't balance. As has been pointed out, she chose an extreme position, supported either by her considerable portfolio or her husband, and a woman who is probably able to walk back into a job whenever she likes. And when, exactly, will her dangerous job with lots of travel be appropriate for a parent? When the kid is 5? 15?

She'll be changing jobs when she goes back to work anyway. She could do it now. She just doesn't want to. With her success level, she earned the right to take some time off, no matter how specious the mental gyrations she engages in to justify it.

Come on - what bad thing has this woman done? What negative comment has she made about working women? She wanted to share the decisions she had made about work and family, and felt they might be helpful or at least interesting to other people. For you, they may be neither. But what she said was courteous, respectful, and clearly conveyed how she thinks and feels. That' all good - and other readers may find her experiences helpful (or at least diverting).

I can't believe this, I agree with Cal!! Thanks for the new word too -specious- I had to look it up.

If you don't like her, submit your own guest blog

I think the 10 million words comment refers to an research article from Hart and Risley. They found that children born to well educated, middle and upper class parents heard many more words from their parents during their first few years of life as compared to those children who were born in families living in poverty. As a result of hearing all these words and living in a literacy rich environment, the vocabulary and literacy skills of the mid to upper class kids were stronger throughout their life.

What bothered me was she decided to stay home after she learned that babies are exposed to 10 million words in their first year to quote her "Words and language are a rich, precious gift I wanted to give my children" The inference that if the child was in daycare or with a nanny this language exposure would be shorted, you can only give this gift as a stay at home mom, and if she worked (and by extension those who do work) she would be doing a disservice to her child.

Also the way she wrote it as all or nothing - stay home or the high powered journalism career. I know many journalists (including ones on this blog) who continued to work either freelance or less high powered. If she had talked about how she was going to balance or go back when the child was older, I know it wouldn't bother me. It comes off sounding like to be successfull you must have your job as everything and to be a good parent you must be home full time. Her you can have it all just one at a time feeling. It reminds me of the sexist/traditional attitudes "once you have babies you will quit" & "if you are serious about your career you will work whatever hours it takes"

I know she is doing what she thinks is best for her child, but the tone of the blog came off wrong.

Frankly, you can't always know whether day care is good-- or your nanny either. A relative of mine has her kids in a family care where the provider doesn't like to talk. Her kids are significantly verbally delayed, and when I talk directly to them with a question they seem confused. It's worrisome.

Another relative has a nanny which they love. She seems very nice and the kids adore her. But we've been there when the parents aren't, and we can see that she lets the kids watch TV for 6 hours straight or just watches them play without talking to them at all. One of them didn't talk until he was older than 3, and the other one has been in speech therapy for over a year. All that time, though, they never thought of getting a new nanny.

The third relative is in excellent daycare-- it's a research facility where observers can drop in at any time unseen (through a one-way mirror, which is nice since the teachers may even act differently if they know they're being observed). The quality is incredible, and the daughter is flourishing. In fact, because the parents both have some emotional problems, I think it's better for her to be in day care than at home with a parent.

Unless you have a situation where you can observe the kids unnoticed, I don't see how you can guarantee your kids are getting their 10 million words unless you're doing it yourself.

"The inference that if the child was in daycare or with a nanny this language exposure would be shorted, you can only give this gift as a stay at home mom, and if she worked (and by extension those who do work) she would be doing a disservice to her child."

Yep, I totally agree!

NoVAsinglemom:

Many times the tone of something sets us off, not because it's inherently offensive, but because we simply don't agree with the point of view or opinions expressed. That's not the other person's fault.

Yes, Ms. Capps talked about two options - full time work and staying at home full time. That seems natural. She had apparantly intended to return to work full time, and ended up staying at home full time instead. She probably considered whether part-time work made sense or not, and it would be interesting to hear her thoughts on it. But remember, Ms. Steiner has set a 300 word limit. It's surprising how much Ms. Capps actually managed to say within that limit. Whether or not you agree with her reasoning and emotions, we have a pretty clear idea of what she was thinking. You're point's well taken - other adults can provide meaningful language exposure to our children. This particular mother wanted to provide that exposure herself. We may not think it's necessary - but can we really say it's wrong for her to do this, or that she shouldn't have shared her choice (and her reasons for making it) with us?

Usually, I side with working moms because I believe that being a SAHM is a financial mistake. However, I think this woman made a good decision because her job would have severely impacted her job as a parent. She could take another, less extreme job that would allow her to spend more time with her kids, but maybe she will consider that in a year, after the kid is finished "absorbing" those ten million words.

It's interesting that she doesn't mention her husband at all ("my baby" "my son", I can have it all"). As far as I can tell, this post is about her difficult but ultimately correct decision to stay at home. It's not clear from the post that her decision had anything to do with anyone but her. She wanted this high-stress job, so she achieved it. Then she wanted time with her baby ("I want time", "I want walks", "the gift I want to give"), so she quit her job. She even writes "I just don't care that my news career will never return to the same trajectory." Why should she? She's still getting what she wants.

Don't get me wrong. More power to her for achieving her goals and being able to do what she wants. You go girl! But, really, balance is about balancing your wants and needs with those of your baby or babies and your partner (if you're lucky enough to have one). Balance, in my opinion, is about not always getting what you want.

Of course there is balance in choosing among your own competing demands (like why I chose a dog instead of a cat), but a blog about your own choices sounds a lot like an explanation or defense of your decision.

It is indeed truly sad that many have such an all-or-nothing mentality towards work life balance. Too often we think we have no choice between working on overdrive or quitting entirely. This is particularly true in high powered careers. We really need to figure out how to do both.

If staying at home to be a full time mother is what you want, go for it! Damn, enjoy the luxury of having that as an option, for most people, the working parent role is a mandate of reality, rather than a mark of ambition.

The reality is, parenting for a toddler up till they're in kindergarten IS a career. You'll learn as much about psychological warfare, aggressive negotiations, and crisis management surviving the terrible twos as you will swimming with sharks in a cubicle farm.

Life is an ongoing evolution dictated by the circumstances under which you live. For now, staying at home with the kid until (s)he is a little more independent involved with school keeping them occupied for a good chunk of the daylight hours is fine, after that, there's an opening for you to return to the ratrace with the rest of us. You're not signing your name on this decision in blood or having it chiseled in granite, so go with it until the circumstances change to create a new balance, and go from there.

What a sad sad world we live in...

I'm not sure sometimes reading this blog whether it isn't just my children acting petty put down in grown up words.

She has more money than me, she doesn't have my struggles, she didn't go through my divorce, she is rubbing it in my face.

Grow up people. Yes, sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but remember it takes a lot of manure to get it that way. We all go through rough times, take joy that you too could achieve balance and joy in your life if you just work at "balancing" things. Sometimes you work a few extra hours, or an extra job so you can go on that Disneyland vacation. And sometimes you just have to realize a plasma screen TV, 2006 Escalade, dinners out every night, new shoes, new clothes... VLIs are why you can't do some of the other things you want.

Quit yer bellyaching and clean yer rooms. (metaphorically speaking)

Here are my beefs, his commute is shorter than mine, he has a better view out his window, his wife lets him go out with the boys every weekend, he is able to date hot young chicks, he has a new sports car.

But then again, his job is less satisfying than mine, he is an alcoholic, he is compensating for not having a personality an of course, his car payments are $500/mo. while I have a loving wife and three daughters that adore me. I'm happy with what I've got... though sometimes I do look at other's situations with a bit of envy.

So he can have his crap. I'm happy with mine.

Everyone is different.

Your bio notes you were a correspondent for 2 decades - 20 years. Some people are retiring after 20 years. You'd been there and done that already. If you want to quit that's great.

Younger moms' or those who still feel they have professional goals to attain can make different choices. They have the time.

We all do what we think is right for our children, but we come at parenthood from different places.

"Depending on a husband to provide all the income, though-- that doesn't quite make you the feminist you think you are."

Does anyone ever pause to think that maybe she actually SAVED some money and doesn't depend entirely on her husband's income? That's what I did. It's not impossible, you know.

I'm so tired of all this, well, if you stay home you are living off your husband claptrap. Figure it out, folks, there ARE other ways.

LadyBug, sorry, no one can say that her kids are better off or not. You'll have to ask them. It's not "undoubtedly".

"Once again, I think this blog fails to provide a topic that resonates with more than just a few privileged upper-crusties inside the Beltway.
How does today's guest blog demonstrate balance, as the blog's title suggests? Today's writer isn't balancing, she chose not to balance work/family. She quit.
Not all of us can do that, and it gets tiresome having it rubbed in our faces by those who can."

Today's post *totally* resonated with me. I'm well outside the Beltway (I'm actually not even sure what the "Beltway" is since I live so far outside the Beltway in Oregon), and am solidly middle class. I would guess that this post actually speaks MORE to middle-America than it does to those in the DC or other major metropolitan areas.

I consider my work and family life completely in balance. Why? Because after working from the time I was 14 through high school and college, and 13 years of full time post-college work through graduate school and my first marriage and divorce and the first 5-8 years of my first two childrens' lives, I'm taking some time off from work outside the home. Nine years off, and then go back to work parttime, if our plan works.

So how is work - family - work/family not "balance"??? Does work and family have to co-exist for every second of one's life to be considered for this discussion?

I don't romanticize my life, but I also don't b**ch about it nor do I consider it drudgery. For those of you who do consider being with your young children unpleasant, I'm sorry you feel that way - but not all of us do.

Interesting note from EM.

Where are Sandra Day O'Connors' children now?

Undoubtly better off having had a Mom who made history in her own way!

My daughter got to hear her 10 million words in two languages, because we made a point of finding a bilingual nanny to teach her a second language (Spanish). Her nanny is loving, enthusiastic, and does NOT park her in front of the TV.

So I feel her life has been enriched by having this time with her nanny, and she hasn't suffered because I continue to work.

Oh, and also, working allows me to put a roof over her head, health insurance that pays for her doctor visits, and food.

It's not easy juggling (and paying for) it all, but it's "balanced" enough for us for now.

10 million words? I haven't yet seen a parent that has taught their child the meaning of the word "no" by the age of 3.

Momof 4, I have this romantic image of you and your toddler feeding ducks, eating breakfast, and relaxing at the pond. I bet you and all your kids are really cute. I cannot imagine it any other way.

mr. estrogencentral: well said. A lot of whiners here today, wrapping their whining up in a package of 'this writer is not talking about balance." Bull. She is showing her way of balancing, how it is different than she planned, and how, ulitmately, she is doing what she feels is right for her life. She worked for nearly 20 years, so let's say she is 40. Let's revisit her in 2 years and see if she hasn't gone back to work at least part-time doing something, even if it is not landing on aircraft carriers. I cannot understand why some people just cannot let it go that not everyone has the same burdens. We all have them. There is always an opportunity cost to whatever decision you make. And kudos to the retiring comment: my grandmother and mother both worked for 20 years after their respective children weren't home all day and retired after 20 years. They get a pension AND social security.

AWorkingMom, unless you don't own a TV set or have a nannycam, you have no way of knowing whether your nanny lets your daughter watch TV.

Our relative thinks their kids don't watch TV with the nanny either.

Why are we so upset with this mom? We don't get upset when people who don't even have kids give us adivce from everything from breast feeding to behavior management?

So why is it so insulitng to hear how the other half lives?

Just asking, not judging or trying to start a fight, but really, if everyone wants the right to post about balance on this blog why should we be upset with her choice?

Oh no, more mommy wars. :-)

I'm dragged out today. Got behind on work right when my husband's in a crunch. Why did I think working at home part time was a good idea?

Today's not a babysitter day and she wasn't here yesterday because of a doctor's appointment, which is how I got behind the eight ball.

My one year old didn't take his morning nap (he's transitioning to one nap, oh the joy!) so I'm typing this with the laptop on my knees while we play some esoteric roll-the-ball game he's just invented. I love him dearly and he is a joy, but I have to admit that rolling the ball for the one thousandth time is not thrilling me to my very soul.

Hence the surfing. Because actual work would intefere with my attention - oh! he signed ball! Either that or his palms itch. He's either Harvard-bound and brilliant or allergic to cat hair.

(pause to answer phone)

Oh yes I'm definitely working on those million words which right now seem to include "oh sh*t" as I found I'd forgotten to move laundry from the washer to the dryer last night.

I don't suppose I can hope that he'll only absorb 999,999 words?

And here's the thing. My son and Ms. Capps' kids are all going to end up in school together and you probably won't be able to point out who was in full-time care and who was in part-time care and whose mummy was home all day.

But those kids will know if they were living with parents who were generally overall optimistic and comfortable with their choices and if today's blog author is happy with hers. I'm so glad! She reminded me that I wanted to play in the park too and should get out today.

And the same for hearing about the superb bilingual nanny above. That reminds me that I want to find a bilingual preschool in a year or so!

Peace!

Shandra,

If oh Sh** is the only word he knows then you are doing way better than my husband.

Hmmmm....ten million words, I'd better get busy! No time to blog...gotta go talk my little-one's ear off to make sure he knows his ten million words.

I used to ride in the car with my son when he was little...pointing out all of the educational things like a cow on the side of the road, and the dump truck next to us...and finally, he said "mom...can you be quiet." He truly didn't want to hear ten million words!

I think this mom made a choice with her heart and I applaud her. I work at home but can completely understand the feeling that only you can give your child the best care. Totally natural. It's wonderful that she has that choice financially, and I have no problem with that either.

However, I am annoyed with Leslie. Could we get a bit of a wider perspective here? Perhaps, if no single mom/dad/Wal-Mart working mom, etc. writes in to offer their Tuesday blog, Leslie could go out an find one, then interview her for this space. That would be more valuable than white, upper/middle-class, college-educated, married moms/dads writing (gets rather dull).

Rebecca: that's an excellent suggestion!!!!! I, for one, would like to hear from other moms who have to work!!!!! Not because it's a choice, or wonderful, or enriching--but because poverty isn't a great option.

By the way....10 million words in a year? Let's do the math....365 days a year = 27,000 thousand words a day. Assume your kid is awake 16 hours a day. 27,000 divided by 16 equals 1,700 words an HOUR or 30 words a MINUTE with NO BREAKS all day every day all year.

Shandra! Yes. Multi-tasking is fine, here. Teens will listen/chat in the car sometimes: miracles (unbidden and spontaneous) in communication.

Let's be practical. As I blog -- for work and money -- in between voting, and monitoring some teens at home (voting means no school for many), here are small joys in the day:

+frozen store-bought pizza on sale is a hot meal and they are happy.

+organic green beans from a neighbor dipped in Ranch lo fat dressing is one serving of veggies ( she always works full time, with smiles and organic produce for me since I am a neighbor and friend with a few-more flexible at-home minutes).

+I hung my sheets to dry TODAY because it smells good!!! TOMORROW I will be downtown in hose and moderate heels.

Some kind people on this blog say what our grandmothers and mothers told us:

+be kind
+mind your manners
+if you can't say something nice, nothing at all
+offer to help
+take your turn
+no means no (hi FO4)
+you never know another's burden; tread softly.

and "I Love You." and "Pluto will always be a planet for me."

Now: Pluto's planetness. THAT is a debated worth having, heatedly and passionately but with MANNERS.

That Bill Nye (Science Guy) is glad about Pluto's demotion is fine with me. He can have beans and pizza with us any day.

There is a reason why I hate the saying "You can have it all, just not all at once." Why do a disproportionate number of women feel that way? Why don't more of us, like equal, require our husbands to "have it all, just not all at once?"
This question never seems to get answered....kind of like, if staying home were so great, why don't more men do it?

Posted by: Equal is right on | September 12, 2006 09:21 AM

Husbands/Fathers do not "have it all". Not if they attending to family they don't. So quit villifying us.

What does villifying mean? Can people please stop using hard words on this blog?

By the way....10 million words in a year? Let's do the math....365 days a year = 27,000 thousand words a day. Assume your kid is awake 16 hours a day. 27,000 divided by 16 equals 1,700 words an HOUR or 30 words a MINUTE with NO BREAKS all day every day all year.

30 words minute with no breaks all day? That sounds like a 3 or 4 year old to me!

Main Entry: vil·i·fy
Pronunciation: 'vi-l&-"fI
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -fied; -fy·ing
Etymology: Middle English vilifien, from Late Latin vilificare, from Latin vilis cheap, vile
1 : to lower in estimation or importance
2 : to utter slanderous and abusive statements against : DEFAME
synonym see MALIGN
- vil·i·fi·er /-"fI(-&)r/ noun

Here you go, i keep this site as a favorite.

Scarry: Thank you :-)

...................Clearly 11:13 AM did not get 10 million words as an infant. ;) Actually, my mom was a SAHM, and a former teacher...so I got lots of quality education growing up. But the definition of villifying wasn't part of it.

Clearly 11:13 AM did not get 10 million words as an infant. ;)

I had heard it that children of less educated parents have 1 million fewer words spoken to them than children of parents with higher levels of education. This was one of the reasons for head start.

tap, tap, tap, tap...guess we've deteriorated to not much...

"Husbands/Fathers do not "have it all". Not if they attending to family they don't. So quit villifying us."

"What does villifying mean? Can people please stop using hard words on this blog?"

Men have their own challenges and regrets. No one wins if men and women treat each other as the enemy (or say nasty things about each other).

To "Anon this time" who is so sure that my nanny parks my daughter in front of the TV because it happened to a friend of his/hers:

1. I have a home office, so I can observe pretty closely what goes on during their time together. I am not ignorant or naive, thank you very much.

2. *Many* professional child care-givers are sincere about providing the best experience for the kids in their care. How about giving a little respect for the people who do this important job very well? I'm sorry about what happened with with your friends' kids, but please. Childcare providers are not all lazy, borderline mutes who watch TV all day! Our nanny is educated, dedicated, and very good at her job.

You can certainly afford to hire a $100K/yr supernanny to assuage your guilt.
Go pursue your career and be the best network anchor ever.
Your baby will be fine at home with supernanny.

Today's discussion seems to show that "balance" means something different to each and every mom. All depends on your income level, luck, desire, husband, type of kids you have, when you have them etc. Lots of variables.

There are 80 million moms in the U.S. today. No two women "balance" work and family in the same way. Ditto for men.

We could just as easily title this blog "Unbalanced."

Hi Heather, thank you for your contribution. I am also a mom with a career that does not work well with motherhood. It's not journalism but it's similar in that to be really effective it requires travel and proactive response to world's events. Like you, I think I have risen to the top of my career before having children. I chose to balance diffirently than you by moving into a much less interesting position because right now I want to be a mom more than a career woman but I am afraid to step out of the labor market for the fear that I won't be able to get back in. This way I can coast until my kids are in college. I think you are a brave woman because memories are short... I sincerely hope (without any sarcasm) that your son is on his way to absorbing the 10 million words.

Get a nanny, put your kid in front of the TV, turn on the tape player. She'll get to listen the 10million words, doesn't have to be from your mouth.
Don't sacrifice your career as a network anchor! you will be letting down all the women in the workforce.

I'd just like to nicely point out that there are lots of words that I don't know, which is why I look them up. I'd also like to point put that the push for plain English is on the rise and pretentious speaking is on it's way out.

Sorry, a technical writer took over the mommy blog!

Gee, people, defensive much?

Parenting choices seem to fall in the same category as religion: if people subscribe to a different philosophy than yours, you assume that they are implying your beliefs are incorrect.

But parenting styles (and religion and relationships and careers, etc.) are extremely personal and unique. It's not about you-- it's about whatever works for the individual given their finanicial, emotional, social, cultural and personal circumstances.

Frontloading your career, working hard for 20 years and then taking off a few years with your kid IS a way of balancing; so is working part-time, so is working full time with day care, and so are all the other zillions of highly personalized arrangements people cobble together for themselves.

When you say, "by saying 'x' she implies that I am [a bad mother, making the wrong choice, screwing up my kids, etc.]" what you are really saying is "I'm afraid I'm [a bad mother, making the wrong choice, screwing up my kids, etc.]". Relax, take heart and know you're doing the best you can with what you've got. It's all any of us can do. I was the day-care/latch-key kid of a single mom and I turned out fine: good college, good career, happy marriage. My friends had stay at home moms, career moms, part-time moms and they turned out fine, too. The only kids who are really messed up are the ones whose parents didn't really care about them-- and self-absorbed, callous, cruel parents come in every variety, both stay at home and working. As long as you have a mom and dad that love you and let you know it in word and deed, you're doing pretty well, whatever their working hours are. There is no formula.

I'm concerned by this columnist's implied notion that there's some kind of Pay-off attached to her decision to stay home, as if somehow putting her child first is going to guarantee results -- a brilliant child, a literate adult, a happy home. It's a nice fantasy -- but in life there are no guarantees.

And that's where MY bitterness comes in. I stayed home and my child absorbed ten million words and then some -- Eventually he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, an autistic spectrum disorder. And it wasn't until that moment that I realized I had been regarding my at-home years as some kind of, well, insurance. As if following all the rules and reading all the books was going to guarantee a particular outcome -- a daughter who didn't pierce her bellybutton and a son who never crashed up the car, and kids who made the honor roll so I could drive around with one of those annoying stickers on my car.

And I remember the bitterness, as I looked around at the kids with the blue Kool-aid rings around their mouths who got into the gifted program as I trudged off to yet another IEP meeting. And I remember thinking that it wasn't fair, because I had done everything right.

I just pray that our columnist doesn't fall into that same trap -- because unfortunately, this morning's offering sounds to me (an old, fat, jaded mom who's been through the wringer) as though she's teetering on the brink of thinking there are guarantees . . .

Men don't have it all. Most don't get to spend time with their children and develop as strong of a bond with them as women do. That is a big loss. I think women have more choices in how to lead their lives, even if some are not available to them (discrimination does exist). Someday fathers will realize how much they miss out on.

Your post makes way too much sense and it's not offensive to anyone. Get off this blog! ;-)

Research has shown that women speak 5x more than men. Since I'm a single dad that doesn't like to talk much, this means I am a bad parent? I'm going to start playing CDs, turning on the TV all day long so my toddlers will be exposed to 10million words. Neither I nor the sitter can't speak all those words ourselves.

What a stupid piece of research.

You are brilliant! Couldn't have said it better myself.

Having it all, just not all at once. This is a luxury that worked out for this mom, but entails high risks and is not a pattern many could follow. Good for her, but its a unique situation. She had 2 decades of high power career and then gave birth. Unless I'm fuzzy on the math, she took a big chance that she would not be able to have or adopt a child by waiting until she was over 40, increased health risks to herself and her child, and pretty much lost out on the chance to have more than one child. She made her sacrifices for work on the front end. She is "balancing" over decades, not day to day. It sounds like it is working out for her and I would guess that she probably could support herself without her husband if she was a saver during those 20 years. That is close to retirement in the military or government, so maybe she has "had" the job to the extent many people ever will and now can have something different becasue she chose a job that did not have an extended education prerequisite and genetically was lucky to have a long fertility period.

Hi Armchair mom. Yes. No guarentees. Social insurance seldom works. I am in the same club as you.

Fat? Jaded? You? No. You are probably beautiful and kind under any exterior.

I am sorry about the struggle you have in your family. Aspergers is hard, even when a child has skills, abilities, and options.

Take care. Be gentle with yourself. We can always choose to embrace the children we have and the life before us.

(I like R.B.'s movie "Life is Beautiful." Never fails to uplight, even though it provokes a good cry.)

Not everyone can have it all, even sequentially. I didn't go to law school until I was in my mid-30's, graduated at 40. There are lots of places that don't want to hire a person my age b/c they see it as essential to their culture that they only hire younger, malleable lawyers.

I don't know whether there are similar issues for journalists. I will say that if you aren't willing to put your kids first, even if it destroys your future career dreams, you need to question whether parenthood is right for you. I am blessed by motherhood every day -- but I will not pretend that it didn't come with certain career-related costs.

Leslie

How about a guest blog by someone is not in the media, of the 23 guest blogs, 11 were written by someone in the media or publishing business, they can't be the only people submitting them? Its a little boring hearing about the issues faced by reporters, newscasters, writers etc.

>>>I'd also like to point put that the push for plain English is on the rise and pretentious speaking is on it's way out.

A sudden wave of irony just washed over the blog...

>>I will say that if you aren't willing to put your kids first, even if it destroys your future career dreams, you need to question whether parenthood is right for you. I am blessed by motherhood every day -- but I will not pretend that it didn't come with certain career-related costs. >>

Nice double-standard. I refuse to have to give up a career in order to be a mom, because no one expects men to give up their careers to be dads.

The main premise seems to be "How can I get the most benefit?"

It's all about ME.

My career. My ambitions. My money. Me Me!

We just remembered 9/11 yesterday.
We know there are jihadists everywhere in the world plotting to murder us just because we are not Muslim.
Repeat - because you are not Muslim!
You must die because you are not Muslim.
How crazy is that?

I bet 90% of moms are struggling to make ends meet. A high-powered career, 10million words are the last things on their mind. They worry about healthy and safe homes, keeping the lights on. Fathers that will come home and not beat them or abuse the kids.

Your "problem" is really trivial when you stop looking at yourself.

Get a perspective on life outside your privileged bubble.

Leslie, I'd love to hear more from/about parents of older kids (not babies, toddlers or preschoolers). We don't seem to hear much from that group -- maybe they're too busy to blog much.

Seems they'd have a lot of useful info to share after trying to keep the "balance" for a decade or more.

"I'd also like to point put that the push for plain English is on the rise and pretentious speaking is on it's way out. "

That would be called the continuation of the phenomenon the dumbing-down of America.

There -- both pretentious and plain English. I think that push is a bunch of shiggity, by the way! ;>

I agree with Equal's comments. Women work very, very hard to balance. The men might as well share in the fun!

"Nice double-standard. I refuse to have to give up a career in order to be a mom, because no one expects men to give up their careers to be dads."

Where are our priorities here? More and more dads are doing more and more with their kids. Good trend, and due at least in part to men beginning to recognize what they're missing when we don't. Set that aside for a moment. What do we want to let drive OUR decisions - what's best for us and our children, or winning some point in the war between the sexes?

>>>I'd also like to point put that the push for plain English is on the rise and pretentious speaking is on it's way out.

A sudden wave of irony just washed over the blog...

Posted by: | September 12, 2006 12:06 PM

She just pointed out that you shouldn't make fun of how people speak and what words they do and do not know.

I, like I'm sure many others, started looking at this blog because my wife is expecting our first, and we're struggling with all of the typical issues. However, the acrimony often exhibited by many of the posters when the topic doesn't precisely match their circumstances is just astonishing, and really sours the experience for those of us who are interested in different perspectives. Just because you don't find a post helpful doesn't mean that others don't. It may even be helpful to you to read a post by someone with a different experience - an open mind never hurt anyone, you know.

>I will say that if you aren't willing to put your kids first, even if it destroys your future career dreams, you need to question whether parenthood is right for you.<

It's posts like this that make me CRAZY! I'm a parent who doesn't really care one way or the other about my "careeer", but I HAVE TO WORK to pay the bills. Yet my child is still the first priority in my life, no matter what. I work and I *AM* a good parent! How dare you question me?!

"What do we want to let drive OUR decisions - what's best for us and our children, or winning some point in the war between the sexes?"

Personally, I think everybody wins if there is more equality between the sexes so that EVERYONE has more choices (as opposed to society dictating their role). And what's best for us and our children shouldn't have to be unilaterally decided because one parent or the other is not willing to sacrifice. But in each family, those decisions need to be made together.

"I'd just like to nicely point out that there are lots of words that I don't know, which is why I look them up. I'd also like to point put that the push for plain English is on the rise and pretentious speaking is on it's way out."

You'd think a technical writer would know the correct for of "it" in the possesive.

Pretentious writing may be on the way out; does that mean grammar is too?

10 million words in the first year? Well, let's see. . . there are @ 31 million seconds in a year, so on average, one word every 3 seconds round the clock . . . yep, that study must have involved my 5-year-old.

Or my mother-in-law.

Thank you to those who understood that by writing about my own life and work choices I did not intend any judgement about others. Within the word limit for this blog I described only ONE important part of the MANY thoughts and conversations that went into making a major life altering decision. As all of you know, these decisions are not made lightly or one-dimensionally by anyone regardless of income or experience.
Those of you who felt judged, please do not. I respect the choices and needs of all mothers and the fact that different lives and experiences and families have different ways of balancing. I wrote about my family only -- there was no intent to imply anything about anyone else's choices.
I did work hard for 20 years, I am 40 years old, I do feel good about that and I feel good about what I am doing now. Who knows what will work for me and my family in the future.
As I said, my news career will never return to the same trajectory, but that's ok. Although it seems to have annoyed some people, I think it's clear I am an upbeat person - therefore I am certain that if/when my family and I reach a point where I can or want to balance work outside the home again with raising children, I will find a way to do so.
Is that overly romantic? No, I think it's just a positive attitude. Am I lucky that my husband and I, with careful saving and a more frugal lifestyle than we had before, can make this one-income life work for a while? By all means - and I am grateful for that every day. Are we rich? Not by a long shot, probably never will be.
I don't apologize for the fact that I love my life - if some say that comes across as overly romantic, so be it. Yes, I change lots of poopy diapers and deal with fussiness. That's part of the deal - and even if it's not as much fun as walks in the park, it's all still good - all of it.

"Ugh", I wasn't questioning (I too have to work, and I became an attorney b/c since I have to work, I wanted a job with better pay & some respect) -- I was directing my comment to the person who wrote "10 million words" who is blithely assuming that she will be able to have it all. My point was that IF your career is of such importance to you that you will be devastated if your best-laid plans of "having it all", now or later, don't work out, then IN THAT CASE you should question whether you really want to have children.

Hey jobby it was a typo. geez.

It blows my mind as a reader of this blog how critical and harsh we all are to each other. I thought today's blog entry was refreshing, finally something besides the pretentious cr$p that is always on here. Heather, I applaud you for your decision, while at the same time recognizing that not all people have this luxury. I just think that the constant bashing and hatred on this blog is becoming rather annoying.

I also think that the name of this blog "On Balance" couldn't be further from the truth. There isn't a balance in the issues and views that Leslie presents.

I'm sorry, I was going to let it go but...

You'd think someone who was correcting a typo would make sure their post was typo free. Better luck next time. Proves my point that no one is perfect.

"You'd think a technical writer would know the correct for of "it" in the possesive."

Pretentious writing may be on the way out; does that mean grammar is too?

UGH! Another $5 word. What does acrimony mean? Would you guys just use regular words please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this was the study Ms Cropp was referring to:
http://www.phenomenologycenter.org/course/talk.htm

Oops, Ms Capps, not Cropp. Listening to too much DC politics. Sorry.

"My daughter got to hear her 10 million words in two languages, because we made a point of finding a bilingual nanny to teach her a second language (Spanish). Her nanny is loving, enthusiastic, and does NOT park her in front of the TV."

This sounds really cool. :) Learning a second language that young is way better than waiting until 7th grade like I did (my school system didn't offer foreign language classes any earlier).

"AWorkingMom, unless you don't own a TV set or have a nannycam, you have no way of knowing whether your nanny lets your daughter watch TV."

For that matter, unless he doesn't own a TV set or have a cam, a father whose wife stays at home has no way of knowing whether she lets their children watch TV.

"We know there are jihadists everywhere in the world plotting to murder us just because we are not Muslim."

More like just because we are not their specific type of Muslim. They murder Muslims too ("honor killings," etc.).

To Heather--thank you for your blog. As my name implies, my wife and I are currently considering having a child. Since my wife is a federal employee and invested in the federal retirement program, she does not have the luxury of staying at home. So, if/when we have a child, we'll be facing the same dilemma that you faced on whether to have a SAHP. In that case, it would be me. It's tough and we may or may not be able to make it work, but I'm glad to hear your perspective. It may help make my decision whether to be a SAHD or not. If I do, it will be a significant change in our lifestyles, but we'll make that decision when the time comes the way we always do...together.

Thank you for your perspective, even if others didn't appreciate it. I most definitely do.

Along the same lines with the plain English, what's with the acronyms and abbreviations? DH, VLI, DD, WOHM...?! Do you just use them and hope that other people figure them out, or is there an agreed-upon list somewhere that I can reference? I mean, I work for the Feds, so I completely understand the acronym overload, but I'm surprised to see it on a blog!

"Specious," "vilify," and "acrimony" are not five-dollar words, nor are they jargon, antiquated, or anything else objectionable. They are words any reasonably literate American adult should be familiar with. I am really surprised to see someone actually complaining that blog posters are using words that many of us learned in junior high. THAT is a sad state of affairs.

Words like "Specious," "vilify," and "acrimony" ARE $5 words--they're not words that most people use!!!!!!!!!!! I'm literate...in fact I write for a living...but I use PLAIN ENGLISH!!!!!!!!! It's good to use regular words if you want people to know what you're saying. If I started to put all of those words in my marketing copy, we wouldn't sell too many products--people would be too busy getting confused, or looking them up in the dictionary. So...while you guys might all know what these words mean, I don't...so stop using them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless it's just to impress people with your knowledge. Hmmmm....

"y daughter got to hear her 10 million words in two languages, because we made a point of finding a bilingual nanny to teach her a second language"

This is kind of off topic, but I have been amazed to hear parents _complaining_ that their babysitter speaks to their child in their native language instead of english. Don't they realize what a great opportunity it is for your child to learn another language early? I think to be competitive in the world of the future, language skills are a must. We are lucky to live in an area where bilingual caregivers are readily available.

DH--Dear Hubby or Dear Husband
VLI--I haven't a clue what this one means
DD--Dear Daughter
DS--Dear Son
WOHM--Work outside the home mom
WAHM--Work at Home Mom
SAHM--Stay at Home Mom
SAHD--Stay at Home Dad
PTWOHM--Part-Time Work Outside the Home Mom
KWIM--Know What I Mean
BTDT--Been There Done That
PNTWTHW--Prefer Not to Write the Whole Word
AMY--Acrimony
SPC--Specious

What a trite and mushy blog! surely she receives better entries than this???

I admire a woman with such drive who choses to stay home. Life will not be easy for her. It takes a completely different pace of life. I chose not to delay childbearing (due to a number of reasons) and hence didn't get a chance to do my 'career' first. I don't regret that decision one iota, but it is a different approach. Every career decision I make for the rest of my life will involve having children at home/in college/somewhere. I feel her piece is appropriate in a blog on 'balance'. For a woman who spent such energy on her career, she is learning to balance her life - in a long term sense.

I am going to vilify the DH until all the acrimony makes him abscond me for a new consort. Then they can get many VILs and live contentedly in the McMansion in Fairfax..

TAMB-Trite and Mush Blog

vli - vulger luxury item (.. SUV)

Some very clever posters of the Mommy Blog made it up.

Now, what does "literate American" mean?

"Along the same lines with the plain English, what's with the acronyms and abbreviations? DH, VLI, DD, WOHM...?!"

Try http://www.acronymfinder.com/ There's some pretty amusing entries for DH :).

test

MUSHY

UGH! Another $5 word. What does acrimony mean? Would you guys just use regular words please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: | September 12, 2006 01:04 PM

====

Why, because you don't want to spend the 12 seconds it would take to go to www.m-w.com and look it up? That's the Merriam-Websters dictionary site and it's fast.

I came from a household where English was my parents second language. They didn't use a lot of fancy words in their daily spoken word, but they did share the gift of education and learning with me. In their zeal to learn English, they always kept a Chinese-English dictionary around and looked up words that they didn't know. My parents were both voracious readers (in both English and Chinese) and both read the Pittsburgh Post and the Taiwanese newspapers that we got daily. I learned to appreciate learning in whatever form it came.

Although some of you out there might not agree with Ms. Murphy Capps decision, hopefully everyone will find the right way to pass on their core values to their children. Hers is apparently word-based learning. My SIL passed on a love of learning by visiting new, interesting, different places with my nephew. My brother, the thrill-seeking type passed on his sense of never being afraid of failing to his girls. They are both very competitive and outgoing. You don't need a great income or education to pass on good learning. I have a low income friend who is deaf. She's taught her son patience against adversity. He's much more tenacious and patient about learning.

I agree with the poster earlier who said that as long as you are attentive and love your child, you'll be a successful parent. I think that the only measuring stick any parent needs is the child itself. Don't think about or compare yourself or your child against other families, but as long as you are proud of your child for what (s)he has accomplished through what you've provided, you've done a good job of parenting. Good parents come in all shapes, sizes, races, economic backgrounds, jobs, and places. Stand up straight and be proud of yourselves.

With regard to Sandra Day O'Connor, she was a solo practitioner, by necessity not necessarily desire (because she could not get another job) when her first child was born. After the second, she stopped taking on work, and instead became a very active volunteer, no doubt making some political contacts then. After five years (not when her youngest was five), she became an AG . . . and the rest is history (I'm not even going to get into how her husband's career may have eased her transition back).

Great story, but please don't hold it up as a illustration that women shouldn't worry about bowing out of the legal profession for several years. Times are different (thankfully, actually). There are many female attorneys doing similar things as what she did after having children--e.g., contract lawyering, etc., but it probably will not put them on the path, today, to the Supreme Court. I stepped down from a large firm for public service and I have few regrets about it, but I don't kid myself that, in doing so, I may have put my career on a different path than it was before. But I am happy that I have stayed "in" and still have several paths to take. Let's not kid ourselves that getting out of the law completely and getting back in is very easy.

"voracious reader"--plain English "likes to read"

"adversity"--Plain English "troubles"

"tenancity"--Plain English "sticks with it"

Stop using big words...use plain English!

If everyone used small words, the dictionary would be much smaller and easier to use.

Here are two small words "shut" "up"

Loving 1:42 PM.

Well, despite the grammar rodeo that's going on I do think a couple of really good points are being raised. I think the main one is that Leslie is a lazy blogger. She rarely checks in or makes meaningful comments and I suspect she doesn't actually read every entry. Or at least not in a timely manner. It would be great if she would go out there, find and interview people who are balancing work and life in differents. You know, situations where both spouses/partners have to work? Maybe then there could be more meaningful conversations instead of conversations how the blog could be more meaningful.

I posted earlier about the fact that folks rarley use the "you can have it all, just not all right now" cliche with men. I actually wasn't trying to contribute to the/a "war between the sexes." I meant to refer to why WOMEN say that and accept it to each other and amongst themselves.

I guess I could have said "literate English speaker" instead of "literate American"...I wouldn't expect a literate person in France or China or Egypt to know what "specious" means!

To the OP -- what you call "plain English" is less precise and certainly less interesting. "Voracious" is a lot more evocative than "likes to read." "Sticks with it" is not exactly a synonym for "tenacity" (a noun), and doesn't sound any better or convey the point more accurately.

I don't think anyone on this blog uses language that is more dificult than that used by the Post itself. Go read a blog on USA Today if you want something appropriate for the dumbed-down masses.

"Plain English" doesn't mean dumbing down or catering to the lowest common denominator. It means avoiding jargon that only one professional group can easily understand (contract lawyers, I'm talking to you!). It means not using 20 words when 5 would suffice.

It does *not* mean you have to restrict yourself to using only words the average third grader knows.

These "big" words you're complaining about are part of the richness of the English language. Stop being afraid and embrace it!

Instead of complaining about the words you don't know, why don't you just look them up and learn something? That's what you'd want your kids to do, right?

I've sort of enjoyed today's vocabulary lesson. It's certainly interesting to see what minor things will make folks crazy.

Stop using big words...use plain English!

=====

Sorry, but no. Feel free to skip my posts if they are too pretentious for you, but I will not "dumb down" my language. It happens to be the way that I was taught to write and in public school, for Pete's sake. And the sad thing is that I'm an engineer. It's laughable that I have to simplify my writing for a writer.

As far as I'm concerned, this "plain English" trend is just plain wrong. Americans have such a poor command of their own language and an even poorer command of any other language. We are least lingual nation of all of the first world countries per capita.

Either invest a few seconds using a dictionary, or just skip my posts.

Another vote for DadWannaBe! I just hate the trend toward "dumbing down" everything. Why does everything have to be in plain vanilla monosyllables? It's boring, and we are capable of understanding a lot more than the tech writer here would think!

Fun new word for McMansion or VLI (house) - nasty palace.

Grammar Rodeo!

Way out West, in a galaxy far far away....we had an event in real rodeos called

ta DAH Gramma Rodeo (yo-de-lay-ee- ooooooh....yee HAH)

Older women (cowgirls still sounds better than cowwomen) barrel-racing and calf roping.

Very fun.

Makes me laugh. Thanks.

For those irritated by the off-topic- ness here, well consider that

Laughter helps us all MAINTAIN and/or RECOVER balance.

College Parkian--you forgot the standard tag line to your post:

"We now return you to your regular b**ch and moan session, already in progress."

Plain English" doesn't mean dumbing down or catering to the lowest common denominator. It means avoiding jargon that only one professional group can easily understand (contract lawyers, I'm talking to you!). It means not using 20 words when 5 would suffice.

This is not true. It usually means writing to a 6th grade level. Everyone is not educated or privilaged in this country you know.

Engineers are the reason for tech writers and plain English.

Does anyone else find it interesting that a blog about a mother who chose to stay home in part because she wanted to share her love of words and language has started a thread on whether we should be using "plain" english?

Something to consider: Being home with and infant is terrific for some, if you can swing it. But it's not the only critical time.

I'm finding that it is even more important to be home right after school with an elementary school child. Those first couple of hours are critical -- when he talks most candidly about what happened at school that day, both the good and the bad. Realizing his need for that kind of interaction is the key reason why we've made the choices we have (mainly flexibility) to be sure that one of us is always home right after school. For our family, it just seems to be the sensible thing to do with this child. We make up the hours at other times of day (like early morning, for me).

"Everyone is not educated or privilaged in this country you know."

Not educated and/or not privileged does not equal "stupid"! I came from a decidedly working-class background and no one in my family needs you to talk down to us, OK? My mom never got to go to college, but she can understand words like "tenacious."

So get off your high horse. Or, go back to your "class" and stay there, Mr./Ms. SuperWriter. I don't think you know as much as you think you do.

Actually, I was just trying to point out that it is not nice to make fun of people who don't know the same words you do. Plain English is useful when writing instructions that go out to a lot of different people who may not know a lot of "big words" as you guys say.

If the person can't work his DVD player then the company won't be selling very many. You guys on the other hand, who know the "big words" will still be able to understand the small words used in the instructions. I don't know much about marketing, but I suppose the same is true when you are targeting a certain audience.

No need to vilify me.

I wonder what Leslie gets paid to not work very much!

Proud mom are you talking to me because I didn't write that post. I do not claim to be a super writer! thanks

Does anyone else find it interesting that a blog about a mother who chose to stay home in part because she wanted to share her love of words and language has started a thread on whether we should be using "plain" english?

that, my friends, is called irony. HA HA HA!

Excerpt from PG Wodehouse's "Jeeves Takes Charge" illustrating pretentious writing.

...You see, she was particularly keen on boosting me up a bit nearer her own plane of intellect. She was a girl with a wonderful profile, but steeped to the gills in serious purpose. I can't give you a better idea of the way things stood then than by telling you that the book she'd given me to read was called 'Types of Ethical Theory,' and that when I opened it at random I struck a page beginning: -

'The postulate or common understanding involved in speech is certainly co-extensive, in the obligation it carries, with the social organism of which language is the instrument, and the ends of which it is an effort to subserve.'

All perfectly true, no doubt; but not the sort of thing to spring on a lad with a morning head.

"Plain English" ...

This is not true. It usually means writing to a 6th grade level. Everyone is not educated or privilaged in this country you know.

Posted by: not true, take a class on it | September 12, 2006 01:59 PM

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In that case, then "Plain English" has no place in a blog on the Washington Post. This is a major newspaper. And it is on-line. Anyone who can spend the time to read the blog for a hundred or more entries can spend a couple of extra seconds with an on-line dictionary. None of the words that have been criticized are outside the vocabulary used by the WP. It would be fairly common to find these words in this daily newspaper and hence they are appropriate in a blog on the newspaper's web-site.

no one called your mom stupid proud mom, God go take a pill.

Thanks Heather for a post that speaks to what YOU and YOUR FAMILY think is best for your situation. Folks, she's not being judgmental, she's shared a brief snapshot into why one couple made the decision they did and how the wife/mother in the equation feels about it. For all the hard-working moms out there who by their own loud protestations have made it clear that Heather's choice isn't an option for them, and who somehow think that she is trying to make them feel bad or say they're bad parents, please write a guest blog talking about what your experience has been, and I'm quite certain that I'll read it with interest and learn from how YOU are balancing for YOUR family just like I did today from what Heather wrote. It is absolutely mind boggling to me that so many people get so personally WOUNDED by what complete strangers say about their own choices. With the exception of perhaps Jerry Falwell who thinks we should all be barefoot and pregnant and never work at all, and Linda Hirshman who thinks we should all be back at our desks as soon as the c-section stitches dissolve, I haven't seen many people in this country much less on this blog making pronouncements about how others *must* live their lives. One person's choice is not an inherent critique of another person's entire life!

I don't think anyone was being made fun of for not knowing words... maybe being made fun of for being too lazy to look it up in the dictionary, but that's different.

Simple words are fine for writing DVD player instructions, but surely it is not necessary to limit ourselves in other written forums, now is it?

can i just point out that just because a woman stays at home full-time with her child supported by her husband, it does not mean they are filthy rich?? we are making our bills by the skin of our teeth each month, and our bank account has been overdrawn. i'm looking for freelance opportunities - also a former journalist, heather, though only for three years - but hubby and i have agreed that i will stay home with our son for now, and possibly homeschool later. i will probably freelance enough on the side for extra cash, maybe do a few other things, but that's it - that's our way of finding balance. i don't want to leave my son with anyone at all. personal choice. i love being with him, love it love it love it, and we're going to find a way to make this happen. for me, it's more a matter of what i want to accomplish in my life, not about a career per se - but that's just me.
oh by the way, i'm muslim. but i promise i don't want to kill anybody. sheesh.

"Actually, I was just trying to point out that it is not nice to make fun of people who don't know the same words you do."

May not be nice, but can be fun!

>no one called your mom stupid proud mom, God go take a pill.

The poster argued that we should use 6th grade level words because not everyone is "educated and privileged."

My point is, some people may not be educated and privileged, but they can definitely understand more than a 6th grader! No need to talk down to anyone here. Save your "simple" words for your five year old, ok.

It was very condescending. I get really sick of the attitudes on this blog. Sometimes it's like if you're not white upper middle class, you don't exist or you're just some vague "other" out there in underpriviledged-land.

Good for you, Freelancer. That is exactly what I'm talking about - you can talk about what is good for you and your family, and it is in no way a judgment of what other people do. Good luck with the freelancing, I've often daydreamed about doing it but I just don't have the guts. And I hope (god do I hope) no one has implied or overtly stated to you that you want to do anyone harm because you're Muslim...what a world we live in.

It was very condescending. I get really sick of the attitudes on this blog. Sometimes it's like if you're not white upper middle class, you don't exist or you're just some vague "other" out there in underpriviledged-land.

it's also very condescending to assume that everyone who posts is upper middle class.

No, I do think they were making fun of her whether they meant it in a mean way or not, I was just trying to lighten the blog a little bit. I didn't realize that it would turn into an off topic.

And

No, I don't think that people should, in everyday speech, limit their vocabulary, surely we all want our kids to know as much as possible, but I do think it is important to understand where other people are coming from and know your audience. I talk differently to my friends then I do to my father with an 8th grade education. Not that he's stupid, he just doesn't know all the big words that I do and I don't want to make him feel bad. I don't care what words you guys use, if I don't know them I look them up, but maybe some people feel to intimidated look them and feel that a blog is an informal place where they shoudn't have too, who knows. :)

I'm pretty sure your dad could understand you just as well as your friends do. Give him some credit.

Even if people don't know the exact meaning of an unfamiliar word, they can usually get the gist of the thought based on context. And maybe they'll learn a new word in the bargain.

I don't think you need to be so concerned abou