I changed my name for the same reason as Leslie -- I wanted my family to have the same last name so it would be less confusing for the kids. I have never been sorry. My husband and I did discuss changing his name to mine or picking a completely different name, but in the end, because he had a daughter from a previous marriage who was certainly old enough to understand and be affected, we stuck with his. I didn't care so much about ditching my last name when I got married -- it's not like I came from an important family where name recognition could get me somewhere or had published or anything like that. One of my sisters kept her maiden name when she got married, the other one is hyphenating. I think it causes unnecessary confusion sometimes, especially with the children, and that is the last thing I need in my busy life.

If I had been asked to change my first name, now, that would have been a problem!

Didn't change name. (father quietly thrilled; mother moderately concerned: married in 1982).

But, walked around children's elementary school happily answering to Mrs. X, the name of my children. Easier to have same handle, clearly.

Didn't ever make a big deal about it, but was surprised recently when my sister wrote a check to me as Penelope X. She didn't know that I kept my name. Giggle.

Be sure to send the memo to your family, too.

I changed my name as well, also so that every member of my family would share the same name. We discussed having my husband change his name or selecting a new joint name together, but unlike me, he has been published and it would have hurt him for business reasons. It was not a problem for me. We did plan to have him change his middle name to my maiden name, but for a woman to change her name all she needs to do is show her marriage license-- for a man, it requires a court order (at least that's what they told us when we tried, in Virginia).

Several friends have selected a new last name together, and I think that's great. I felt like keeping my last name in particular was not as appealing since it was my grandfather's grandfather's name-- and out of the 32 great- great -great -grandparents I had, the one who had his name passed on was the only one who had abandoned the family, causing my great-grandfather to have to go to work at the age of 13 to support the family and plunging them into poverty.

For those who kept their name, I think that's just fine. But every single woman I know who kept their name has given their child the father's name. Why is it automatically his name, not yours? You're the one who gave birth to the child, but you don't have the same name as him or her. I'm not judging, I'm just curious about the rationale.

I changed my name (well, I still have some paperwork to do -- it's only been four months!). I got a name that's one syllable vs. two, it's easier to pronounce, it's totally vanilla/non-ethnic, so I don't spend most introductions answering questions about "where" I'm from (ummm, America?), and it's the same as my husband's and our hoped-for and planned-for future children.

I had considered not changing it, but it seemed like a good idea. I moved my maiden name to my middle name and go by all three names -- a la Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I happily changed my name when I got married. We were starting a new family unit and felt we should all share a name. Given that my parents are divorced and my mom has gone back to her maiden name, I felt no tie whatsoever to my maiden name. My mom says she never saw anyone take to a new name so fast, except maybe my 2 sisters, who also changed their names upon marriage. And I was a 30 year old lawyer when I married, so the idea that it is too "difficult" to do is baloney. If you don't want to change your name, that's fine - most of my friends didn't - but don't blame it on logistics. TGIF - everyone!

Agree with College Parkian's attitude--I kept my name but understand when people call me by my husband's or kids' last name, if that's who they know me through. I don't expect casual acquiantances to keep track of who is who. Most of the time at school I'm just "X's Mommy" anyhow.

I never saw any reason to change it. I like my name. My husband would have been happy if I'd changed it, but he knows what kind of woman I am ;) I know I never would have married a man who insisted (or even just pouted about it). His mother was quite offended that I didn't want to take their name.

It bugs me when people say "but you still have a man's name--your father's." Um, no, my father has a first and last name, and I have a first and last name. We have the same last name, but the combination is all mine.

My wife didn't change her name. I wanted her to so the kids wouldn't be confused. She is ok with getting called Mrs. "My Last Name" and knows it will happen alot. She also tells people that wedding invites etc. should be addressed Mr. & Mrs. "My Last Name." Our return address labels are The "My Last Name" Family - majority rules and 3/4's have my last name. Heck, the bank will let me deposit checks into our joint account that are made payable to her first name but my last name - even though that name isn't on the account.

Although, I do hate getting called Mr. "Her Last Name". When phone calls like that come in, I say "He doesn't live here" since my father-in-law doesn't.

While I accept (although do not agree with) her decision, she agrees there are 2 possible future issues which will cause her to change her name. 1) If either kid starts getting identity/confusion issues as they get older or 2) either kid wants to change their last name to hers. If either happen, she will change her name to match ours.

>>But every single woman I know who kept their name has given their child the father's name. Why is it automatically his name, not yours? You're the one who gave birth to the child, but you don't have the same name as him or her. I'm not judging, I'm just curious about the rationale.>>

There was a flap in DC a few years ago because they forced you to use the father's name on the birth certificate, even if both parents preferred the mother's.

We gave our kids my last name for a middle name and my husband's for a last name. I kept my name because it's mine, but I don't really care if the kids follow the tradition of having the father's last name.

No, I didn't change my name when I married.

I just identified with my name and wasn't interested in having a new one. I'd always been known by that name. I married between college and law school, so I didn't have much of a professional identity at the time. But it just didn't feel right to change my name.

Now I have a son, and I feel a little sad that we don't share a last name. Sometimes I think about changing it, but I think it would be complicated now. Plus, aside from wanting to share a name with my son, I still don't want to change my name. My own name and I have always gone together.

My husband would have changed his name to mine if he thought I felt strongly about it, but I didn't want him to in part because he is the last in his family who bears his name - no siblings or cousins share it now. Choosing a new name would seem to cut both of our family histories off, and I didn't want that. And hyphenating always seems like a one-generation solution, because when Mary Smith-Jones marries John Allen-Johnson, something's got to give for their kids!

I don't mind being called "Mrs. [husband's last name]," so I am hoping that will minimize any confusion with my son's school and other contacts.

Good question about why the name-keepers tend to give kids the father's last name.

I don't know why other people choose that, but for me, it was because I come from a large family, while my husband is the last who bears his name.

My sister did something a little different, she kept her last name and her daughters have no middle name and a hyphenated last name. Good for them is my thinking, but it could get confusing later on. What happens when my nieces get married and/or have children? If they choose to do what my sister did, then their children will have 3 last names. Possibly 4 last names for the next generation? I took my husband's name for simplicity's sake. Not that my choice was "better" than hers - just easier.

Just to add some more rambling thoughts:

Whenever my wife calls someplace regarding the kids (doctors, daycare, etc.), she has to say "This is Jane Smith, John Doe's mother." Me, I can simply say "This is Tom Doe, John's father."

I've had problems picking up prescriptions for my wife when she can't (i.e. pain meds when recoving from childbirth) because of the different names. She - to my knowledge - hasn't had problems getting the kids' meds. Could be since she carries a copy of our marriage license.

Also, out health insurance cards all come in my name (why, I do not know). She was very concerned about being refused medical care since her name differs so much. Hasn't happened and likely will never happen.

My husband-to-be is the last of his family and I am the last of my family, so I am keeping my name (plus I'm almost 40 years old; I don't want or need a new name) and we've agreed our children would carry his last name and mine.

Kept my name. People have called me by my last name my whole life and giving that up would have been as odd as giving up my first name. Even my husband calls me by my last name. I'm the only one out of all my friends who kept my name, which I sometimes find a little odd.

We haven't decided what name the kids will have, but it will probably be mine. He's got a brother to continue his name, and I am the last chance my family has, as my sister can't have kids and all my MyLastName cousins - all women - changed their names.

My husband gets called Mr. MyLastName about as frequently as I get called Mrs. HisLastName. Neither of us gets bent out of shape about it.

My mother got divorce when I was a kid and I kept correcting my teachers. Today divorce is more common (unfortuneately) and teachers may not be so quick to assume. But I think it would be nice to share the same last name with my kids. I may hyphenate in the beginning as a form of forwarding address but as most woman seem to do eventually I would probably drop the hyphenation.

I have met the rare couple where the man took the woman's name. I forget what the reasoning was, but there is a thought. And I met a few couples where both partners hyphenate thier name, and so did their kids. And saying their full name was a mouthful.

I hyphenated my name, but I only use my maiden name unless I am dealing with something to do with my daughter. I am Mrs. X at school and the doctors only know me by that name. My name is hyphenated because my mother in law gave me so much crap about it when we were about to get married. My father was absolutely thrilled that I was keeping my name. My mom and all my other relatives still address everything to my married name, which upsets me. My brother said one time that once you get married you should take your husband's name, I told him like I tell everyone else, that my name is my name, and he didn't have to change his did he?

I have a great deal of pride and identity wrapped up in my name. Without getting anyone one a tangent (sorry if it bothers you so much skip my post), my family is Irish and every since I was little I learned that my dad's grandpa carried that name across the ocean on his back to escape oppression. It really has nothing to do with being a feminist really; it has to do with family pride.

I'll tell my daughter to do what she wants with her name and I'll tell my son to let his wife do the same. :)

I don't feel like giving up your name is "loosing your identity" as Leslie says. And why would you wish someone "agonized" over anything - particularly your husband?

I kept my maiden as my middle name - that way it is still there. I don't care whether people change/add/hyphenate - whatever - it's all good.

Some of the discussion on the Ann Richard column posts related to women who changed their name for political reasons - and there was an arguement - like Hillary Rodham Clinton and Kathleen Kennedy Townsend.

I always thought it would be neat to let any boy children take a husband's last name and let the girls have my last name. I like my last name and my middle name is pretty special to me too. Current boyf has a nice last name and his mother kept her maiden name, so I don't know that it would occur to him to ask me to change mine.

My neighbors kept their own names when they married, but the only reason he didn't take her name was that his middle & her last name combine to form a well-known American city.

I also did not change my name. I was in my mid-30s when we married, had never really wanted to change my name, had quite a few publications in that name, and my husband has a silly-sounding name. Some relatives and neighbors call me my husband's name and I don't mind. The name Mrs. X is just as correct as Ms. B since it only means "wife of".

Our daughter has my name for her middle name and my husband's for her last. It was a battle I did not wish to fight. My husband sometimes wants to change her name to mine so she won't get so much teasing, but I figure kids will find something to pick on anyway. I also figure that she can easily change her middle to last if she wants to once she is an adult.

I guess I am just surprised that I am one of the only women I know who did not take her husband's name. It really is pretty uncommon these days and that makes me a little sad.

cmac - where did Leslie say changing one's name is "loosing [sic] your identity"?

I just work both sides of the fence.

I use my maiden name professionally (and anything to do with our two older children who also have my maiden name) and use my husband's family name in private circles (and anything to do with our youngest child who has his name).

It's has worked out quite nicely. Depending on how they address me it quickly narrows the field on how I know them.

I've seen lots of variations in my time as a professor, and my current Dean has a hyphenated name (but his wife does not!). I've talked about it with my partner and she, like me, shares the publishing dilemma concern. It is likely that she will maintain her maiden name professionally and perhaps change to mine when we get married, but I'm not going to force her to change. I like my last name too much to change it, so why in the world would I even ask her to change hers?

i grew up with a hyphenated last name. it's the biggest pain in the world - you will never fit into any computer system invented. i actually had to keep a list of who stored my name which way (which company had me as X Y-Z, which had X Y, which had Y Z and on and on). Getting to take my husband's name was a joy. don't hyphenate your kids' name, it just complicates things.

I changed my name nineteen years ago when I married my husband, thinking long and hard that in the end it would be best to have everyone in the family with the same name when we had kids. At the time many women were keeping their names. But I changed it back after about a year because I had started to feel that I had given away my identity. The clincher was getting mail addressed to Mrs.(husband's first and last name)from my father! Now it's many years later and I have three kids and I find I answer to all kinds of salutations socially (short of "hey you"). It IS easier to all have the same name, but I do wish society asked the man to make some kind of change too. Hyphenating both your names is probably the fairest way but they can be an awkward mouthful unless you have names that work great together. The best solution I came across was a couple that picked a brand new last name for themselves! By the way, when I changed back to my name my mother-in-law was miffed but my husband was very supportive. He said he'd never change HIS name so why should I? So all along this was something I struggled with much more than he did!

I didn't change my last name. It was a decision I made way back when I was a teenager. I realized that I wanted to have the same last name for my entire life, no matter what happened in terms of marriage (or remarriage). I don't mind being called Mrs. (husband's name). I do think it's funny when people call me Mrs. (maiden name). It happens quite a bit. Sheesh people--I didn't marry my cousin! Ms. seems to be disappearing from the lexicon.

I have been married a little over a month and I have gone through the lengthy process of changing my name. I have found that having the same last name has made it much easier to do many small insignificant things that happen when you get married. I don't feel as though I've lost my identity because I changed my name. It's just a name. My identity isn't just a name and I could think of worse things to be called than my husband's name.

What about aesthetics? My sister decided to hyphenate when she got married. Unfortunately, the two last names, while sounding reasonably ok by themselves, just don't go together at all. The new name is just one long, awkward-sounding mess. Oh well.

I kept my own name when I married because my husband's last name is just too weird! In fact I think he'd like to switch to my name but worries that people would think he is odd for doing so.

"The best solution I came across was a couple that picked a brand new last name for themselves!"

Yes, I have three sets of friends who did this. One couple searched their ancestry, on both sides, for a name they liked; one picked the word "faith" in the language of the country in which they had met; and the third changed their name to "Walker" since hiking is their passion. Obviously this would not work for everyone, but I think it's a great idea for some.

I took my husband's name and didn't really agonize over it at the time. The one thing I didn't expect is that our last name is readily identifiable as belonging to a certain ethnicity, and it's one of those ethnicities that's more like a tribe in America. In other words, anytime you meet anyone else of that ethnicity, there's this instant bond. Or at least there's supposed to be. And then they always look at me and say, "But you're not (insert name of tribal ethnicity here.)"

But since I started paying attention, I've also met women with Chinese and Japanese last names who aren't Chinese and Japanese and so forth. They've told me that from time to time they get the strange comments and looks as well.

Personally, I think it's just a wonderful reflection of the diversity that's America (like Caitlin O'Shaughnessy, the adopted Chinese girl in my son's kindergarten class.)

During my first marriage, I ended up changing my name because I married someone with the same last name but different spelling. At first, I was going to keep my last name but I got tired of the confusion it caused. The reaction I got from people made me really begin to think most people are totally stupid.

For my second marriage, my husband asked me to change my name. I think it was because he knew I changed it the first time and there was some type of weird male competition thing. I HATE my husband's last name. (He does too.) He has told me a couple of times, had he not had such a professional reputation when we married; he would have taken my name.

I didn't want to change my name because of the work involved. My maiden name was adopted by my dad's family so it isn't their real last name. Last names haven't really held much importance with me. I know many feminists care, but if your family just adopted a last name, what difference does it really make?

You're the one who gave birth to the child, but you don't have the same name as him or her. I'm not judging, I'm just curious about the rationale.

Posted by: Ms L | September 22, 2006 07:51 AM

It is an English/German/French tradition, I think. Plenty of other cultures do it. In Spain and India for example, babies get either both parent's last name or mom's.

Married late, kept my name for both career and personal reasons. Wonderful husband supported, then wished he'd changed his name to mine. Beautiful daughter has it as a middle name, helps for things like passports. Husband and I answer to all permutations when it suits us. Found it also works for sales calls (no, there's no Mrs M here). Was bemused when asked to provide custody papers for my daughter because her last name was different from mine. Mostly, it's a non-issue or a source of laughter for us, especially when we opt to Winnie-the-Pooh it and live under the name of Saunders.

Scarry...you're Irish? I never knew that!!! ;-)

Mrs. Do2 is the second iteration. The first took my name after we got married. There was a lot of gnashing of teeth and a lot of compromise on my part as well on other issues. When we got divorced about 12 years later, she asked if I minded if she kept my name....she liked it better than her maiden name. The second and current Mrs. Do2 kept her maiden name but answers to "Mrs. Do2" at school, the doc's, etc. Her first name doesn't sound good with my last name anyway, and it makes her happy, so it's small potatoes to me. Oops, there's another Irish reference to tick off the Scarry-haters......

Newly Married Name Change -

I don't think most women who keep their names fear they will "lose" their identity. They just LIKE their identity, and aren't interested in changing one aspect of it (their name) just because they've gotten married.

Whether a person feels that his or her name is a key part of his or her identity is probably a function of personality and family history. It's great that you're happy with your decision, but I hate to see the misunderstanding that women who keep their names "fear losing their identities" perpetuated. That's a misnomer, IMHO.

I changed my name when I married for the first (and only) time at age 35 - I figured I know who I am, so no identity issues there, and I wasn't getting married just so I could be Ms Maidenname! My three sisters and I have all adopted the First Maiden Married version of our names, thus keeping the attachment to our dad, who died when I was very young.

For my first marriage, I took my husband's name but by 1972 I'd incorporated my maiden name-hyphen-his last name. Second and third marriages, I automatically included my maiden name (no hyphen) and their last name. Oddly enough, this causes great confusion. Had I included a hyphen, my name would be alphabetically filed under my maiden name. Without the hyphen, some people go by my maiden name OR my husbands. I tell people, blank blank" IS my last name.

For me, it's the family history thing. Some of my family came here in 1620, other family members were here to greet them. A few others came over later. That history is part of who I am and through it I feel grounded. For me, I think keeping my maiden name is part of that.

dad of 2,

Geez, I didn't know you were still married. There goes all my plans down the drain. :)Just kidding, I like to see a man or a women who is happy when their spouse is happy.

My husband couldn't care less about my name. I was going to give my daughter my maiden name as a middle, but it didn't sound good with her first name.

My wife of 26 years kept her "maiden" name. When our son was born we decided that he and any future sons would have my last name and any daughters would have my wife's last name. The daughter (now 21) came along in due time and we have never had any problem with name confusion...it was even more fun for the kids when they were in the same school because they could avoid the automatic brother-sister connection. Ironically, my brother-in-law, who has four daughters, all with his last name, lamented that he had no one to carry his name into future generations. duh!

I didn't change my name, and my husband was ok with that decision. (I think he had hoped I'd change my mind, but he never pressured me to.) If we have kids, we'll give our kids my name as their middle name and his name as their last name. The reason I'm not arguing for them to have my last name is because he's the only boy in a large immigrant family with a very unusual name, and the name will die with him if his children don't carry it on. I have brothers who can do the same with mine.

I get questions sometimes, but I work with a lot of men whose wives did the same thing, so it's not entirely unusual. What bothers me the most are people who act like their concern over my decision is on behalf of possible future children - "won't this be bad for your kids? how will they understand that mommy's really a member of their family?" - when it's pretty clear they're really saying "why won't you just be like everyone else?"

Oh, and we never considered hyphenating because my husband's name (he's Irish too!) already has an apostrophe, and no last name needs more than one punctuation mark!

I kept my name because my I grew up with a neat ethnic last name. My husband's last name really -is- Smith. We agreed that my name is much more interesting and he actually offered to change to my "Z" name. It would have taken too much court time, so we stay the way we are.

Like other posters, I get called Mrs. Smith all the time. It doesn't bother me, nor does it bother him when mail comes to him addressed to Mr. "Z".

The only time I get annoyed is when mortgage companies send offers to him as Mr. "Z" to re-finance. Ummm...the house is in my name only (his preference), so someone has made the assumption that -he- must be the owner of the house.

But then I realize there are SO many other things in the world that are more worth my time than corporate chain-letters.

"Was bemused when asked to provide custody papers for my daughter because her last name was different from mine."

And what if the person asking didn't take your "word" of it and took temporary custody of your daughter until you could proof mothership (is that a word). How could that have traumatized your daughter.

Think about it.

to ???
" (although gee, I wish I lived in a world where the man agonized over giving up his identity)."

Leslie's word's from the above column. Apparently she agonized over giving up her identity.

I find it interesting that some people say "it's just a name." For me, a name is an important part of my identity, so deciding to change mine was a part of how I thought about getting married. I also do the "Hillary Rodham Clinton" thing, because I still feel a strong tie to my maiden name but I do feel the new tie to my husband is important -- I do have a new identity. (Though I considered the "Helena Bonham Carter" model -- too aristocratic ;) )

But I also agree with everyone who wishes the men had to worry more about these matters themselves. Doesn't marriage affect their identities, too?

I am glad I found this forum. I am trying to decide if I will change my name when I get married in two months. I like the symbolism of starting a new family together all with the same name (whatever that name is). However, I am just starting my career as an academic and I am worried that if I change my name, my previous record (grants, publications, conference presentations) might get lost. Any advice on how easy it is to continue your professional identiy using your maiden name while in your private life using your husband's name would be appreciated. It seems to me that the best option would be shifting my maiden name to my middle name, that way I can still use both.

Thoughts?

Thanks

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True - Not to be too corny but the kind of person you are matters much more than your name. You could be named "Happy Smith" and be a real SOB.

Give it a rest. If you continue with the taunts, everyone's going to assume you miss the fights.

Took my husband's last name, still use the maiden name as a middle name because I'm in a high-turnover industry and want to make sure my professional acquaintances know the email is still coming from the same person. :)

That said, I never really saw keeping the maiden name as some sort of feminist statement. I mean, keep it if you want to keep it, but most women got their last names from their fathers, who had legal authority over them for 18 years, which their husbands will not have. I chose my husband, so I chose to take his name as well.

But ultimately, what to call oneself is a deeply personal choice, and my philosophy is, "I don't care WHY you choose a name, but tell me what I should call you and that's what I'll call you."

I changed my name when I got married. I actually didn't have a hard time doing it, either - I'd never liked my last name because it was short, plain and at the end of the alphabet. I was thrilled to "trade up", as I told myself, to a name with 2 syllables and not quite so far back in the alphabet.

Fast forward a couple years - I got a job where I spent a lot of time on the phone, and left a lot of phone messages for people. I'd given away a short, easy name for one that was complicated to spell, and not so easy to pronounce. I started to wonder what on earth I had done, but it wasn't that bad.

Now I enjoy my last name, although obviously I don't forget my roots. I like having the same name as my husband and daughter.

My sister, on the other hand, married much later than I did and kept her last name. She had more of an internal debate than I did (thankfully we both have husbands that completely left the decision up to us) but I think felt it was an important part of her identity and wanted to hold on to it.

My husband's last name is Jones. My last name is frequently misspelled and mispronounced.It's been a real hassle for most of my life, so I gave my children their father's last name. My MIL was furious that I wasn't changing my name and told me that she was "proud" to assume her husband's last name. I told her it wasn't 1953 anymore and to MYOB.

I didn't change my name for the convenience of technically being a Jones. I didn't need to. People at school and the doctors' offices call me Mrs. Jones and I don't have a problem with that. The children aren't confused. There are 2 last names on our mailbox; the postal people can figure it out.

How can this lead to kids getting identity/confusion problems?

I had several friends whose fathers went through midlife breakdowns and dumped the wives and took a powder on their families.
Real skunks (yes, women also do this).As soon as legally possible, my friends changed their last names to their mothers' maiden names.

What about all of the children born out of wedlock? Are they confused when their parents have different last names? What about blended families where there are a bunch of different last names in the same household?

As a guy, I really don't understand the anguish in taking the man's name would cause you to lose your identity. My POV is that you are assuming your new identity as a married couple. (I do understand a maiden name for professional purposes.) My wife was VERY happy to have a new name. Leaves behind a lot of bad memories about her parents. If we ever were divorced, I would want to take a different name for the same reason as I was happy to she took my name.

BTW, I know of a divorced woman who elected to keep her ex's last name for professional reason. She is in real estate and the name Helwick really stands out among all the Smiths and Joneses!

cmac - OK - I see the reference now. Sloppy writing. She should have said "name," I think, since a name is but one facet of identity.

When I married 8 years ago, I readily changed my name to my DH's last name. However, I liked the name that had been uniquely mine for the previous 36 years... so I simply added DH's last name. I now have 4 names: FirstName, MiddleName1, MiddleName2, and LastName. It is not a hypenated last name, and I do not have two last names... I go by "Ms. LastName" both professionally and personally. (I am still thrown for a loop when someone refers to me as MRS. LastName, though I guess I'll start getting used to that since my kids are now in school.)

(The only place where I still use my maiden name as my last name is for dealings with my law school, since my maiden name and the law school name are the same!)

Ms. L

But the groom lost his freedom!

I kept my name, but I must confess that it irritates me at weddings when, say, Mary Doe marries John Smith, and the DJ announces, "introducing Mr. and Mrs. John Smith!!!" It basically says to me, here's this dramatic, life-changing event that has taken place and nothing has happened to the man but the woman has completely lost her identity-- both first and last name.

I know it's tradition, but it just bugs me.

The amount of people who kept their names around here is hard to believe! I thought and still think that it is extremely rare!

I am going to speak for most of the rest of us and say, that I changed my name not because it was easier, but because I WANTED to.

I think that is all part of uniting with your husband in marriage. Who cares if it's his over yours??

to ???

True - not to sound too corny but the way you live your life is much more important then your name. You could be named "Happy Smith" and be a real SOB.

And Ms. L - announcing a new bride and groom by the husband's name makes me think of their new life together as a new family. Why is the woman completely loosing her identity if she takes his name? She is still the same person, isn't she?

I didn't change my name when I married seven years ago because I find it a bit archaic. Although we discussed that I didn't want to change names, my husband assumed that I could "soften" and eventually change it. Umm, no. Even at times when I considered it, I was exhausted by the paperwork.

He and I work for the same corporation, so it was very important that I maintain my well-established professional identity. And though I was adamant that we don't share a last name, I have been given business cards, e-mail and phone lines with his last name.

But none of that is more annoying than when coworkers say "oh, you're Husbandswife." To which I always reply, "yes, but my name is..."

It works conversely. People call and ask for "Mr. Mylastname," which leaves husband in a huff. And my in-laws feel slighted when I introduce myself without their last name.

We don't have children. If we ever have any, they would likely receive both names, with my last name as a middle name.

cmac - I agree that a person matters much more than the name, but the name by which we identify ourselves is something associated with US -- our private and public persona. It's not really about what it says to other people, IMHO, but about the tie it has to our sense of self.

I certainly don't think it's the end-all and be-all of identity, but it is nonetheless a part of our identity.

I find it interesting that some people say "it's just a name." >>>

For some it has a long family history. For others, it was a name adopted to fit into the Anglo-American culture.

Here is an interesting tidbit I hear regarding family and keeping one's maiden name, my husband had a private tour of the Pentagon about two months ago. He told me there is a memorial inside along the wall where the plane hit. On the wall are the names of everyone killed in the 9/11 attack on the Pentagon. All are in alphabetical order, except one. A woman who kept her maiden name was hung out of order so she could be along side her husband and child(ren).

I was debating whether to change my name when my then-fiance had to be admitted to the hospital while I was travelling on a two-day business trip. I did not find out until I called from the airport while changing planes that he had gone to the hospital. I agonized over whether I should cancel the trip to be with him (first work/life balance of many I'd run into through the years). I opted to go through with the trip, but felt so guilty that I dreamed that when I returned to the hospital his ex-wife was there with him.

Two days later, he's had an emergency appendectomy, I get to the hospital and, sure enough, his ex-wife (who kept his name after the divorce - no kids, though) was there. It was the first (and so far only) time we'd met. In passing, I mentioned how when I called the night before the nurses did not want me to talk to my fiance/now husband until I pushed by telling them we were engaged. She got a funny look on her face and said they must have wondered what was up. Because she had the same name as his, they assumed she was his wife, and she let them keep that assumption so she could stay.

That made the decision for me. On the off chance the three of us were ever in the hospital again, I wanted there to be at least a 50/50 chance that the hospital staff would know which of us was his current wife.

I use both my maiden name and married name (no hyphen) on business documents. I have no regrets. It's easier as a family to all have the same last name.

To the people who don't understand why this is an issue.

Remember historically women changed there name because they became their husband's property.

The formal way of address is Mrs. John Smith so you are only identified as John Smith's wife, you could be his first wife, his second wife or even his third wife. Not an individual.

Yes it is great that a family is all the same name, but if that was the only goal, why do we not see men changing thier names.

Does any of this mean that in a specific case the woman is any less an individual, any less an equal partner in the marriage, etc. NO. However knowing the history it would bother me

no one is taunting anyone. She just said to skip her post if they didn't want to hear it?

I took my husband's last name but kept my maiden name as my middle name. Just an aside, does anyone else feel that the term "maiden" name feels kind of weird? I try to avoid saying it. Anyway, we were of the wanting one last name for the family. Also, since we married only a few years out of college, there wasn't a professional concern about changing it. And my name flowed okay with his last name. So his last name is fine. However, I do have issues when someone wants to call me Mrs. (husband's first name, last name). I actually stopped his best man from addressing me that way in his toast to the bride at our wedding reception, in front of 100+ people. Just couldn't deal with that. I think that's where you're more likely to "lose" your identity. Ick. I do like keeping the maiden name in the middle if one does take the husband's last name. I think everything just seems more tied together that way. Besides my former middle name wasn't that interesting anyway.

Whenever I come across a woman with an unfortunate last name, I figure she can't be married. If it was her maiden name, she would have changed it. If it was her husband's name, she never would have taken it in the first place.

I have two cousins who both kept their maiden names but then their kids have hyphenated names. That just seems very awkward and choppy. Some friends of ours were going to have the husband take the wife's last name but as others have mentioned, legally it's a lot more complicated. Now the kids have her last name while he still has his "maiden" name.

My husband asked me before we got married if I would change my name. He said he didn't care what the answer was, he just wanted to know (he did care, at least a little bit). I said, "Yeah, I'll change it."

Then, after we got married I realized that I didn't WANT to change it. Why? Well, on the pragmatic side there was all the hassle of changing this document and that account... a PITA that he didn't have to go through.

And on the emotional side, I really did realize that I liked my name and didn't want a new one. I was never one to doodle variations on my name, substitution for whatever boy I had a crush on. I didn't want to just make my maiden name my middle one, because I like my "original" middle name, and carrying four names just wouldn't work (for me). I knew that whatever the legal name was, one of those middles would get dropped.

So five years later, he loves to get me back for my decision-after-the-fact by reminding me that I told him I would change my name and then didn't (I *think* by now he's gotten over whatever hurt he felt). If people address me as Mrs. Him, I don't really mind (he HATES being called Mr. Her, though). And now that we have a kid, I fully expect to be called Mrs. Him more often. My own family, who knows that I didn't change my name, routinely write me checks and thank you notes and whatever, as Mrs. Him. But legally I'm still Mrs/Ms/Whatever Me.

Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? Yeah, it would. But why risk pissing off the rose?

I changed my name, but I use my maiden name for publishing. It was very important to my husband as he was the first boy in two generations and the last with his name (his last name was changed to his mother's after his parents divorced when he was a baby). We talked about it a lot and ultimately he felt more strongly about me changing than I did about me keeping it. I now answer to both, and haven't changed over everything.

... and I also really dislike being called Mrs. Himname Him. I agree with Rockville Mom complete there. Even unto insisting that I was never called Mrs. Himname Him at any point during the receoption. Burrs my hide as much as when he's called Mrs. Her...

I changed my name 15 years ago when I married, under pressure (I felt) from my mother. He's Italian, I'm Jewish, so I never felt like his name fit me. Although he didn't care one way or the other before we got married, the suggestion to go BACK legally after we got married was not well received. So, unoficially, I began using my maiden name again. It was great, like putting on an old pair of jeans. So, some people call me "Mrs. Hisname", and some people call me by my name, I use my name at work, I sign documents with both names, and it's all OK. It confuses some people, but most get it pretty quickly.

My husband and I both hyphenated our last names when we got. His idea. Whenever women hear this, they gush; men seem vaguely disturbed. Yes, our last name is now long and doesn't fit on many forms and is always alphabetized differently - but everyone in our little family has the same last name, we honor both sides of our family, and our kids are learning how to spell a lot more letters because all those just in their names! :)

I work with someone whose wife kept her name, and the children took her name. He has a very common last name, so they thought it was preferable for the kids ot have hers so they wouldn't be one of many Joneses. She quit her job to be a SAHM and has not gone back to working even though her children are both through college, so I don't think there were career considerations.

I kind of wished I'd kept my maiden name once. I was pregnant with our oldest, and my MIL (who I find very annoying since her sons are her only concern) made some comment about how her other grandchildren (who also have her last name) would finally have some cousins with the same last name. I told her that I was considering giving the kids my last name. She bought it for a second, but it would have been more effective had I actually kept it myself.

I changed it when I got married and then when I remarried years later, and I wish I hadn't. Both of my husbands insisted on it, I wouldn't have changed the names, otherwise. Not long ago, I had to get a passport for my son, a minor, and the different last names caused a lot of trouble. I am not American, and I don't understand why a country that prides itself on being so progressive has such sexist custom.

I like my last name and my mother's maiden name, but honestly I'm more attached to my first and middle, the names of my father's two grandmothers (their first names). My parents are fans of family names that Gene Weingardener would describe as "strong names" (I'd love to hear the board argue about that idea, if anyone reads Gene and knows his loathing of the name Madison).

I feel that if your first name has a link to the past your last name isn't as much of a loss for either the husband or wife. I do like sticking with one or the other though, not a real fan of the picking a "new" name.

I changed my name when I married, changed it back when I divorced. My daughter has a different name, and it never caused any confusion, it's normal. P.S. We should say, a woman's "birth name," rather than "maiden" name. P.P.S.: My daughter kept her name too. P.P.P.S.: One of my bosses once told me her little son confided to her that he was going to keep his name too, just as she did!

Oh, another reason to change:

When our daughter was born, she was listed in the hospital as "Baby Girl Hername". Before we left the hospital, we filled out the forms for birth certificate with her name - "Girl Myname". About 8 months later, she had a possible intestinal blockage and we were sent by the doctor to the hospital for a surgical consult (words no parent likes to hear). There were delays in some things (not sure if it was just getting paperwork done or actual tests etc.) since they had no records of "Girl Myname" since she was in the system as "Girl Hername".

At my wedding reception I have to admit that I did a doubletake when my wife was called Mrs. [My lastname]. That was what people called my mother. There was a split-second identity confusion on my part as if I had just married my mother. Blech! Anyhow, it appears that my wife took over where my mommy left off.

As far as posting names go, I think the coolest names are Scarry, College Parkian and Lulu.

The name "Father of 4" is really, really lame and I'm still considering changing it to something with a little more kick and punch to it.

Changing my name was a very tough decision. I was named after very, very special people for my first and middle names and there were no boys in my generation so no one will carry on my maiden name. Balancing that against wanting to take my husband's name, I decided to keep all four names. I use the middle two names interchangably and always sign all four names on legal documents.

My initials and monogram are a little more complicated than most but everyday I'm reminded of the family that raised me, the family I'm creating with my husband and the special people I was named for.

chronicle.com/forums/index.php?topic=29047.msg391869

I can't get to this site from work, but wondered if someone else could read it and share with the group. I was wondering if there was a correlation in higher divorce rates and keeping your maiden name??

I tried to do both. Because I'm published, I wanted to keep my maiden name for business purposes, but added his name so that my kids will have and I will have the same name. So, socially I am Mrs. his last name, and for business purposes, I am Ms. my last name. It only gets confusing because works blends into social so easily here in DC -- something I didn't think about.

Did not change my name. I'd had it for 28 years, and neither DH nor I felt any need to change it. Additionally, it's a *highly* unusual name (as in, shared by fewer than two dozen people in the whole world); that's not something to drop lightly. The kids have his name; the first was given it partly because of the DC law at the time (and his parents probably would've had heart attacks), and the second was given it to avoid confusion (among their peers for the most part).

The kids aren't in the least bit confused by my having a different name. His parents were mildly curious, when we were first married, about the lack of name change. The explanation of "it's her name" didn't seem to do much for them, but our joking explanation that my end-of-the-alphabet surname made navigating divided-by-alphabet lines simpler (the second half of the alphabet is always less crowded) was treated as entirely logical.

A familiy friend of our parents' generation informed me that school parents and other adults who encountered our mixed-name family probably assume that I'm the second wife and the kids are my stepkids. I had to tell her that no, I'm fairly certain that that is not the case. Interestingly, although I'm the only one in the immediate family on either side to keep my name, I find that *lots* of the families at my kids' schools have the same arrangement. I don't know if that's generational or based on where I live, to tell the truth.

To gjp, who said, "I am going to speak for most of the rest of us and say, that I changed my name not because it was easier, but because I WANTED to. I think that is all part of uniting with your husband in marriage. Who cares if it's his over yours??"

I say, WOW! Good for you for feeling so strongly. I personally would never presume to speak for a group of women, so I'll just speak for myself. How interesting that you seem to feel that I am somehow less united with my husband of 9+ years because we -mutually- agreed that I would keep my last name.

This could get really interesting. Suppose Ms. X1 marries Mr. X2 and their kids get the last name X2-X1 (or X1-X2). One of them then marries Y1-Y2; in the next generation, the kids can take the name X1-X2-Y2-Y1. Then their kids can take the name X1-X2-Y2-Y1-Z1-Z2 ...

to ???

Agreed that a name is only part of our identity - My husband's last name is Scottish and he identifies so much with his Scottish heritage - although truthfully he is only 1/8 Scottish. We named my son after his my father in law - who was named after his great grandfather - so it has tons of significance. However - it would not have mattered to me if we had named him something else. I appreciate my husband's love of his name, but it is not the end all - like you said.

My maiden name got changed at Ellis Island in the early 20th century to a very common last name - thankfully so - it was Stanciwicz (Lithuanian)- my dad's grandfather pronounced it "Stankivich" - imagine that name in Junior High School? We all laugh about it. Funny thing is - my grandfather and his brother came to this country at the same time and got 2 different last names - I understand this was pretty common.

I did not change my name when I got married. I liked my name (I am an only child of an only child - the name stops with me), and didn't see any point in changing it at work. Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids later, the school asked repeatedly if we were divorced, and the other kids and moms always called me Mrs. "his last name". So, just after our 10th anniversary, I changed it, so that as a family - at school, socially, and legally - I am Mrs. "his name". I just added his name to mine (Think Hillary Rodham CLinton) , so at work I am still Ms. Maiden name.

the only problem i have with the whole name issue is that it is still considered "normal" for the children to take the father's last name. it's an archaic tradition, and, in many countries, has contributed to the favoring of boy children over girl children (because they will carry on the family name). i'm just saying it's a throwback and a nod to a history fraught with sexism. i understand and value tradition. i do. but i wish people would question the roots of that tradition a bit more. of course, i have no problem with kids taking the father's name, or the wife taking on her husband's name -- if that's what the couple chooses as right for them. i just wish it were less of an "obvious" decision than it seems for most people.

I kept my maiden name. Partly it was for feminist reasons. (I objected to some of the other traditions around marriage that have patriarchal symbolism, walking down the aisle by myself with both parents behind me rather than having my father "give me away", for instance.) It was also because I've never had much desire to tinker with my name- when other kids in school, especially girls, were experimenting with becoming "Jennie" rather than "Jenny", etc., I just didn't want to mess with my name, even the spelling. No kids, but they'd probably get my last name as a middle name and his as a last, since mine is a much more common name than his.

One of the first married women to keep her maiden name was named Lucy Stone, so for a while women of our type were called "Lucy Stoners". I think that's funny because now "stoner" has a very different implication...

"The name "Father of 4" is really, really lame and I'm still considering changing it to something with a little more kick and punch to it."

How about Fo4 Kicks (Butt)?

the only problem i have with the whole name issue is that it is still considered "normal" for the children to take the father's last name. it's an archaic tradition, and, in many countries, has contributed to the favoring of boy children over girl children (because they will carry on the family name). i'm just saying it's a throwback and a nod to a history fraught with sexism. i understand and value tradition. i do. but i wish people would question the roots of that tradition a bit more. of course, i have no problem with kids taking the father's name, or the wife taking on her husband's name -- if that's what the couple chooses as right for them. i just wish it were less of an "obvious" decision than it seems for most people.

My wife kept her maiden name but changed her first name to Anthony when we got married. Our son has my last name but his first name is Gloria. People get confused when I send Anthony roses at work, and enroll Gloria in wrestling camp.

"The name "Father of 4" is really, really lame and I'm still considering changing it to something with a little more kick and punch to it."

How about "Fo4 Kicks (Butt)"?

We've been so happy with our decision, which wouldn't work for everyone, but it's a have your cake and eat it too kind of solution for us. My husband and I are both feminists, so we would both have felt uncomfortable with my taking his name. But keeping my name would have posed problems for naming the children. Luckily, our names fit together as well as we do. My husband had a short, one syllable last name; I had a long, multisyllabic last name before we married. We chopped off the end of my surname, grafted it onto his, and both happily took it as we said our vows. (Note: it's not hyphenated, but a natural-sounding single surname.) Now our son and soon-to-be-second child share our family name, which is so special to us.

But I do want to emphasize that I really don't judge friends and others who make different choices. It's a complex matter and I say hands off what anyone else decides to do.

I kept my name because it's my name. Our son is Firstname Myname Hisname. I'll answer to Mrs. Hisname. My sister changed her name the day before she gave birth to her first child, so that they would all have the same name (which caused lots of confusion at the hospital because she was admitted under a name that wasn't her name any more).

I think that there are two historical roots for naming the children with the father's last name: (1) patriarchy generally, and (2) uncertain paternity. The second means that the fathers were never sure if the kids were really theirs, so they made it official by giving the kids their names. As a mom, you're always sure it's your child (except for modern circumstances like surrogacy). Not as much need to make sure the child has your name.

i'm not married but have never really been ok with the idea of changing my last name - it's mine! yes, it was my dad's, but it's mine too, i don't care where my parents got it from.

i have more than a few male friends who think not wanting to change my name is akin to heresey ... some have very angry reactions to the idea and say they would never marry a girl who wouldn't take their name. i never understood that, since they're equally indignant about changing their own name (so you would think they would understand how i feel? apparently not, it's "different since i'm a girl"). my reaction is, how is your name more important than mine??

on the other hand i wouldn't care what people called me or how they addressed envelopes (Mrs His Name is fine, it's like a nickname as I see it) but seriously, why the rage because my name and my identity are as important to me as yours are to you?

Strangely, this was the first question I was asked after I got engaged. I did not know the answer then. I have been married almost 4 years and we have a child and I am still on the fence, mostly about the issue of having a different last name than my children. My husband does not care. His opinon is: " I wouldn't change my last name to yours, so why should I expect you to change yours to mine." He also suggested giving our daughter my last name because he thought it sounded better with her first name, I objected to that because I think it is nice to have a family last name and I would like to go with his, eventually.

I started to do the paperwork to change my name right after we got married and it is still sitting in my desk, I have had a harder time than I expected letting go of my name and I cannot articulate why.

I changed my name and it is one of my biggest regrets in life. At the time I thought it was important to share a name with my husband and children, but what I didn't take into account was that I was giving up a link with my father, grandmother, etc. I use all three names, which is ok, but would do it differently if I could do it again.

My neighbors just got married. Their original last names are both Right. The children of Mr. and Mrs. Right will have the last name, "Right Squared".

To K8

I only published one academic article as a Master's student and then left the academic world. But my best friend is a professor at University of MI (AA) and has published extensively. She was married for a couple of months during her PhD, then divorced and was married again years later. Both times she changed her name legally but retained her name for publishing and work. She has never had any issues.

This has got to be the most foolish question yet. Naming conventions in a culture are purely traditional (which is not the same as saying they are arbitrary). They develop over time as generations of people live their lives, and as people find certain conventions useful. They can be useful for a variety of reasons - to help identify family ties, to help build a sense of community, to publicly link generations together.

No one mandated our current system - it just grew (as did the Chinese system, the Russian system, and, in their times, the Greek and Roman systems). Why mention ancient naming conventions (which were different)? Because what works for people changes over time. BUT - and this is a big BUT - any real, long-term change will have to happen naturally, to meet the developing needs of people. There's no use debating what the right way to do things is - changing this kind of social custom based on social theory is about as practical as promoting Esperanto as a universal language.

My wife of 10 years did not take my last name (both names are good sounding names). At first I was pretty disappointed but I got over it (if not used to it). She did agree on two points that were very important to me; that our children would have my last name and that she should would not correct non-professional contacts if they called her by my last name. We did discuss the idea that our sons would get my name and our daughters would get hers but agreed that it would be too confusing.

It does create some humor when my nickname with her last name are put together. This happens on occasion with her coworkers and her family friends. (FYI: It is similar to the comedic potential of cinematographer Richard Chew's name.)

It has worked out well but we do have minor problems with some activities, particularly car insurance of all things. The thing I don't get is hyphenated names, especially for children. I know about ten of my family surnames. Should I have ten hyphenated names? In my humble opinion, people should pick a name, any name. Eventually surnames have to be dropped.

Don't get me wrong; I don't look down my nose at people who hyphenate. I just don't understand what the children are supposed to do when they marry.

I hyphenated my name. It seemed like a no-brainer to me: Merging families = merging names. I knew I wasn't taking his last name (I'm a feminist, for crying out loud!), so the debate was over hyphenating or keeping mine. In the end, hyphenating was my way of showing my husband I was serious about the marriage (after years of telling him what a crock I thought marriage was).

I have not regretted it, even when his relatives insist on sending cards to "Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName" or when I have to spell out my name over the phone (my name was not short to begin with). It's worth it to me to be true to my beliefs.

This is not meant to be rude, but to the people worried about a name "ending" with you, do you really think yours is the only family with that last name? Do a google search and you'll see just how common your last name is. Or search in the country where your name originates. Trust me, there are other kids running around with your husband's last name. Personally, I would want my kids to have both of our names. Again, a no brainer: They're made from both of us. So the kid will have a hyphenated name. Do I really think my kid would be too stupid to understand? No. I understood that my mom had a different last name than my dad, so I'm sure my kids would figure it out after a couple explanations. And if the kid wants to get married? More options for last name blending.

didn't change my name with my first marriage and if i marry again i will keep my name then as well. while there were times that it was a pain and i had no desire to change my name to that of someone else. i am not becoming property of my spouse or his family and who i am does not fundamentally change with marriage. i think the fact that we hold on to this archaic ritual shows how backward our 'advanced' western society can remain.

I did not change my name for my first marriage. I wanted to keep my identity for professional reasons as well as personal. My husband was very supportive, and it was easy because we did not have kids. Now I'm about to marry again. When we were first dating, I dreamed of us getting married and me becoming Mrs. so and so...my husband to be was curious..."why would you want my last name?...you are too independent for that" Now that the marriage is nearing, the thought of changing my name never occurs. I guess it is a way for me to hold on to me...

I guess we have hit upon one of the few topics that I'm 'old fashioned' about.

I'm married to a woman who elected to take my name, and I was glad she did.

Prior to that I did have a long-term relationship with a different woman who didn't plan to change her name if/when we were married. She asked me whether it was important to me, and if so, why?

My response was that in our (American) tradition, so much about the uniting event *seems* to be about the woman -- the dresses, old/new/borrowed/blue, 'here comes the bride', etc. Most guys (as far as I know) could care less about that stuff.

The marriage itself is (of course) highly important to me. But, other than my ring, the one lasting gift that came out of my wedding day was that she honored me by taking my name.

Now, as I said, that was a 'gift' to me, one that she did not have to give. In fact, if she were a famous person or a published author I would have expected that she NOT give it. However, the fact that she elected to give me this lasting gift is part of what makes me Proud.

-Pp.

My name is Worker Bee.
My wife's name is Queen, so she changed her name to Queen Bee. :)

You know, this is really not an issue. Most people take the practical route - whatever works better.

It's the media and feminists that make this a huge identity/status issue, tied up with the age-old male-female power struggle, with consequences of mythic proportions.

Just chill man!

BTW my kids are name Drone1, Drone2 and Drone3. :)

I think ideally, I would like to be know by just my first name... like Cher or Madonna or Oprah.... now that would be cool.

didn't change my name with my first marriage and if i marry again i will keep my name then as well. while there were times that it was a pain and i had no desire to change my name to that of someone else. i am not becoming property of my spouse or his family and who i am does not fundamentally change with marriage. i think the fact that we hold on to this archaic ritual shows how backward our 'advanced' western society can remain.

A husband's perspective:

My wife kept her name (and only her name - no hyphenation, etc.). We happen to have given my wife's surname to our first child mine to our second -- not because it was some principled equitable split but because our first child's name simply "sounded" better with my wife's surname, and because the second child was named after a family member of mine, and only my surname would "ring true." We thought that the naming disparities (siblings with names different from each other and from one parent) could be confusing, but guess what? It is utterly unimportant. The kids could care less and have never even questioned it. Nor do I care that my wife and one child don't share my name. Other families we know where the children have taken the mother's name have identical experience. I am convinced that anything works as long as it is satisfactory to the spouses. However it is inevitable in my observation that wives who start out hyphenated and give Dad's name to the kids ultimately give up on their own name.

Just an tangent. How do people feel about Ms. vs. Mrs.? I personally prefer Ms. and have used that before and after marriage as I think, in most contexts, it's nobody's business whether I'm married or not. Mr. doesn't give any indication about whether a man is married or not. Why should a woman's form of address have to have that kind of indicator?

"This could get really interesting. Suppose Ms. X1 marries Mr. X2 and their kids get the last name X2-X1 (or X1-X2). One of them then marries Y1-Y2; in the next generation, the kids can take the name X1-X2-Y2-Y1. Then their kids can take the name X1-X2-Y2-Y1-Z1-Z2 ..."

Has been done by some European nobility in the past. Resulted in some really, really long names. Not really very practical. If the naming convention is X1, X2, X3 . . . XN, then in real life you end up using X1 XN, or, at most, X1 X2 XN.

My sister somewhat changed her last name. Instead of changing it to her husband or hyphenating it, she simply abbreviated it. So instead of Donna MacKenzie, she's simply known as D. Mac.

"Trust me, there are other kids running around with your husband's last name."

Actually, that's not necessarily true. If you go back and look at the surnames listed for English nobility in the 18th century, more than half have gone extinct since then. Granted - the fact that a large number of particular family names are no longer used is no great loss to global society. But it happens. Even a very low rate of families that stop using a particular surname due to sex mix of kids, name changes at marriage, whatever, will result in a significant number of name extinctions over time.

Besides - if you google my name, there are fewer than two dozen people who share it in the United States (there are a few in Canada too). And yes, it is of English origin, and yes, my ancestors came over before the Civil War.

I didn't change my name when I first got married. We lived in Texas at the time and it was extremely rare to meet couples with different last names. I had a few comments on it too. After three years we moved to D.C. and I decided to change my name then. It was a combo of things that made me decide to do it. (One thing - we had a miserable time with airlines - with different names we weren't considered the same "party" and one would get bumped and the other not.) Of course when I moved to D.C. it seemed like every other couple I met, she had kept her name! (Though on reflection it's definitely many fewer than I thought at first.) The biggest hassle was telling people (who took forever to understand that I hadn't changed my name originally) that I was now changing it. There are still a few things I find every now and then that still need changing. I do the First Maiden Last thing which has made it a lot easier. I thought it would be weird to have a new name, but actually I had very little problem adapting to it.

I changed my name. It didn't seem like a big deal. But my husbands ex, kept his last name. It seemed very strange to me because she was doing her boss, had a lot of nasty things to say about her ex-husband and the divorce court case lasted 5 years. With all that anger, you would have thought she wouldn't want to keep his last name. Maybe she did out of spite.

I had no problem changing my name when I married. My maiden name had a hysterial double meaning. I spent most of my youth answering questions about it. I was always afraid that pizza delivery places would think my call was a hox and cancel my order. So I was glad for the change. Although, my hubby's last name is a mouthful (3 syllables, or apparently 5 syllables if you are a telemarketer).

But I am glad that my kids and I have the same last name.

I'm changing my name when I marry my boyfriend simply because he's attached to his name and I'm not attached to mine. His name is a bit difficult for some people to pronounce, but I rather like it, so it's not a huge compromise. There are only two very small problems with this. First, I am planning on writing a couple of novels (big dreams, I know) before we marry, and if they achieve any sort of acclaim, it would be helpful for people to know me by my maiden name. Second, and this is just the feminist talking, I would like for a man to acknowledge that it shouldn't necessarily be the woman's problem to decide how to identify herself. My future husband has agreed to give one or both of our future children my maiden name as a middle name, and I've asked him if it would be feasible for all of us to change our middle names to my maiden name so that we can all identify with both sides. I know a lot of men would not agree to this, but he is a very kind person and agreed to think about it. We have plenty of time to figure it out, but I'm just happy he is progressive-thinking enough to even consider it. Few men would do the same. If he decides he's uncomfortable with it, I won't be upset; in fact, I'll just be happy that he gave it some thought.

The upside is that while, he says, his family is attached to his middle name, they have a strong tradition of passing the father's initials down to the first son, and my last name corresponds with that middle initial. This is why he agreed to give our son that middle name.

I wish more men would be more open-minded about changing their names, or combining or hyphenating names. (Mine would not have agreed to a hyphenation, and that's fine with me. Four names is a lot to put on a child, though I know that happens in many cultures.) It doesn't really make sense for a woman to change her name from Brown to Gerbyzcyak. I made that name up, by the way. I don't know any woman who actually changed her name to Gerbyzcyak.

The most likely course of action is that if, in fact, my literary work has a following, I'll probably continue to write under the same moniker while legally changing my name to his. Kind of like Britney Spears.

Wait...did I just compare myself to Britney Spears?

I'll never change my name. I mean, unless I become a fugitive from justice or something.

And I refuse to 'agonize' over it as some women apparently do - not till men start agonizing over it too, or better yet, even start doing it - changing THEIR names. Until then (not even then, honestly), nope. I yam who I yam, and that won't change if/when I get married. So why change my name? Oh, right, to signify I'm now my husband's property. I forgot. Maybe I should let him pick out a new first name for me too? I mean, maybe there's one he likes even better than my current one!

From Father of 2: "Although, I do hate getting called Mr. "Her Last Name". When phone calls like that come in, I say "He doesn't live here" since my father-in-law doesn't."

Why? Is mistakenly being called her last name more offensive than her mistakenly being called by yours? If she can handle it, why can't you? I don't see what the big deal is.

You don't become the "property" of your spouse, you become a family unit of your own...

My husband's family is pretty liberal and I got a lot of surprise (if not mild disapproval) when I decided to change my name. For me I felt more pressure to keep my name than to change it.

I think a lot of women do change or keep their names based on how things sound. I remember a friend keeping her maiden name because otherwise her name would be Mary Cary. I changed my name from a fairly common last name (which has at least 12 ways of being spelled--and therefore, misspelled) to an easy 5-letter unusual last name that I frankly like much better.

I still consider myself a feminist, by the way.

I kept my original name, not for any particular reason other than I'm used to it and I guess too lazy to change it. It's never been a problem. I don't mind being addressed as "Mrs. Hisname" if it happens. I don't even bother correcting people.

Nor have I had any problems with insurance, banks, government agencies, or any other bureaucracy. I think people are so used to blended and remixed families these days that it's quite common for family members to have different last names and no one's ever questioned it.

Kids have his last name. Why? I don't really know. I guess I just never gave it much thought. I don't think it matters much either way. I mean, it's not like they are unsure who their Mommy is just because Mommy has a different last name.

Do neighborhood kids call you Mrs. Smith, or Ms Sue?

I didn't change my name, and my husband didn't mind. I have some friends who changed names & some who kept their names, & our children and their friends are quite able to deal with that. I feel like that while I am "Ms T", I'm also "Mrs P" so it doesn't bother me if I'm called by my husband's name. My dad was pleased. He was an only son, and his only son, my brother, died at 20. My son has my name as a middle name, and my daughter occasionally adds my last name to her name.

I thought it was amusing that my cats, whom I had when I was single, did change their names, and our dogs (who arrived after marriage) have my husband's name also. When I call the vet, I have to remember when I identify myself to state that I'm calling about the "P" pets.

For the person who asked about the correlation between maiden names & divorce, I can only give anecdotal information: none of my friends who kept their names are divorced, while I can think of 3 right off who have divorced fairly recently who had changed their names. My gut feeling is that there is likely minimal if any correlation. If there is conflict about a last name, there is probably conflict about other issues.

I changed my name as a sign of my devotion and respect for my husband, and because it seemed romantic to me. I love his name. I love that I met him, and I think I deserve a certain degree of fairy tale in my own life.

Does that make me a dupe of the sexist patriarchy? Who cares? It annoys me when "feminists" suggest that there is something wrong with having June Clever fantasies. Well...at least June Clever with her own bank account! (A little closer to the mark). But still...

I changed my last name to my husband's (for the same reason as a lot of women, to avoid confusion). But I also changed my middle name to my maiden name, and dropped the two middle names my parents had given me when I was born - at least in business. Otherwise, I would have had three middle names (confusing!) When my daughter was born, I gave her one of my middle names as her middle name, which had also been my father's middle name and my grandmother's maiden name. (Even more confusing!) So I'm First Name, Maiden Name, (Husband's) Last Name in business, my daughter is First Name, My Middle Name, Husband's Last Name. It works for us!

How do people feel about Ms. vs. Mrs.? >>>

I greatly dislike both. I prefer no title first name last name. Or I am open to Mistress Last Name.... but that is veering off into a differnt tangent unsuitable for this blog.

My wife kept her name. We wouldn't have it any other way. We've been married for 20 years. The only dilemna this created was my daughter's last name. My wife decided to go with my last name for pragmatic reasons - my family are all in the area and her siblings are spread out and parents deceased.

When I first announced our engagement to my family, my mother had some struggle with my wife keeping her name until I told her that we were contemplating my taking my wife's last name. At that point, everybody keeping their own name became just fine. She knew that (at that time, but not now, of course) I was just young and foolish enough to go and do something silly.

Yeah to Workerbee and Proud Papa! Beautifully put!

I think there are more out there like you, just afraid of the backlash if they share.

Kept my last name, in part because my first name + husband's last name would sound comical, and in part because I just wanted to. Our daughter has my husband's last name, though I threaten that our 2nd might get mine! Seems like this is something that is just personal choice and other's opinions just don't matter.

I took my husband's name - was happy to and didn't have any turmoil over the decision as I wanted our family to all have the same last name. However, I HATE the term MRS! Is it just me? I feel like why can't I just stay Ms when the man doesn't change from being a Mr, it's like a silly promotion of sorts. That just doesn't sit well with me.

That's too funny about the "Mrs. John Doe" name. Every time I hear it, I think "Is that John Doe's transvestite alter ego?" It always makes me laugh.

Disclaimer: I'm not laughing at transvestites, I'm laughing at the unintentional result of patrilineage.

When my husband and I married last year, the decision for both of us to hyphenate our names was fairly easy. It didn't seem fair to pick one over the other and we wanted any future kids to have the same name as both of us. While the process was very straight forward for me (go to Soc. Sec. show them our marriage license and poof! new name) for him it required filing with the circuit court, paying court fees, posting the proposed new name in the sheriff's office or newspaper for a designated period of time until finally receiving the court order with the name change.

I'm not sure which step in this process bothered me the most: 1) That apparently women are essentially just property once they get married so their names don't matter to the federal government, 2) The over $100 we paid in court fees for my husband when my name change was free, or 3) The 4+ months we spent in limbo waiting for his name to be changed and holding off on things like bank accounts and passports.

Very frustrating to say the least. This is a federal issue, not state.

"The marriage itself is (of course) highly important to me. But, other than my ring, the one lasting gift that came out of my wedding day was that she honored me by taking my name."

Forwarded this stuff to DH, can't wait for his reaction!

Looks like I am a bad wife. Not only did I not "honor" my husband by changing my name, there weren't any rings at my wedding.

As previously noted, the name change has nothing to do with "honor", but everything to do with mens' property rights over women. I learned this in high school in the '60s.

I did not change my name when I married. I do consider myself a feminist, but honestly the reason I didn't change to my husband's name had nothing to do with political or social views. My name is who I am. Period. We have a daughter, she has my husband's last name--that, solely, because it mattered to him for her to have it. Yes, I considered whether there would be "confusion" over having different names, but there hasn't been. Let's be realistic. In this day and age of blended families, having different names is no big deal. And no, I did not want to subject my daughter to a hyphenate name. Yes, I do answer to Mrs. X at school, etc. and it does not bother me. I think this issue should be a non-issue. I will say, however, that I have many friends who've divorced and faced situations (such as apparently exist b/c of some very old laws in VA) that changing their names back to their original (can we please stop with the antiquated "maiden") name was a *nightmare*.

I changed my last name when I got married. My husband's father passed away years before I met my husband, and his mom remarried, so I don't have the same name as his mom (I just thought of that when people mentioned their MILs being upset about last name choices).

I knew I would change my last name, but the hard part was deciding whether to keep my birth name as my middle name. In the end, I decided to keep the names my parents chose for me (first and middle) and drop the name my father inherited (and thus even he had no choice about that one).

My problem now is