First!

Yes- work-childcare duties are a tough balance, especially to those moms who don't enjoy such fun and exciting careers but need the money to pay bills. But Kudos to you for at least taking care of your own kids. I am tired of getting lectured by yuppie moms who preen about their 'progressiveness' when in fact they are only able to enjoy their self-indulgent lifestyle because they have surrendered their duties as mother to a hired hand.

I am sure this piece would have been just as interesting and informative if it was structured as an essay about this woman's life and not as an attack on another woman's life. There is no need for this piece to quote the other in such a derogatory manner.

What this piece has to say could stand on its own and does not need to put others down to make the point.

Thank you! It's nice to hear that I'm not the only full-time working mom who loves what she does, at work and at home. I'm a better person (mom, wife, lawyer, daughter, sister, friend) - because of the choices I've made.

Everyone always says that family is more important than everything else, but then all of their actions are contrary to that statement. If your kids are more important than anything else, why would you have a non-family member raise them? You wouldn't have a junior attorney prepare YOUR brief? If your kids are so important why isn't it important that you be there when they get off the bus. Oh, that's right, being a lawyer makes you happy (that I don't get either, but its another blog, another day) and you being happy makes you a better mother and wife. So are the people who don't like their jobs not as good at wifing and parenting as you. As long as you have everything YOU want, everyone around you will be happy. Where's the compromise, the sacrifice part?

Yes- work-childcare duties are a tough balance, especially to those moms who don't enjoy such fun and exciting careers but need the money to pay bills

What they don't have colleges where you come from?

Thank you. I'm a 30 year old mom who works as a federal agent. I love my husband, my son, and my family is a beacon for me, but. . .I need to work. The money, retirement plan, and health benefits alone made my decision a no-brainer, but I simply need the mental stimulation outside of the home. I grew up as an overachiever and couldn't imagine staying at home full-time. As much joy as I get to reading to my son and playing with him, I still need to read about politics, engage in adult conversations, and be engaged in the world beyond my house. I've had to cut back on some things I'd like to do, such as long work trips, but I rarely miss a dinner or work on weekends. It is possible to take care of your family while still taking care of yourself. My family gets a better mom because I'm not bitter about forgoing a life of my own.

As ever, I wonder why no one ever foists this debate on men. If they aren't up at night having cold sweats about choosing family or career, why are women?

First, I didn't see you attacking the other writer. I saw you stating how YOU feel versus how the other writer said you feel. I heartily agree with you that to work or not is a personal decision and there is no "right" answer. I also continue to wonder (especially after reading the first essay and then some of your comments) why some women still paint such an all-or-nothing and right-versus-wrong picture. As a group, women continue to be our own worst enemy.

I actually like this blog very much. I don't see where it is attacking anyone. It just presents the other point of view that all working mothers aren't conflicted/upset/guilt-ridden and for that I say HOORAY!

Wow - so negative so early today! Just a quick note and then I am not going to stick around so people can attack each other.

LawyerMama - thank you for your view today - I hope that most people will take it the way you meant it - I am happy that you have found a good balance (most of the time) in a career where that can be difficult, but not impossible. I too, work in a firm, where most parents (male and female) are home for dinner every night.

To Don't Get It - What do you think Junior Associates are for? They are the ones that do most of the work in preparing a brief. And yes, some of us love being a lawyer (and loved law school).

Cop mom - SAHMs can also read about politics, have discussions with other adults and be engaged in the world outside the home. Why does this stereo type of the SAHM as intellectually static and a martyr persist?

thanks for your article! I am one of the moms that has to work (I'm widowed), but feel that my children are better off because I do. This issue is always made to seem black and white, but it isn't. The issue isn't whether you choose to work or not, for me the issue was choosing work that allowed me to also be a good mom. For my entire career (my children are now in their late teens) I have chosen to work closer to home, making less money so I could have better hours and benefits. did I miss being there when the bus came? sure. did I miss much else? not really. are my children happy? will they be successful? I hope so, and don't think they have less chance of doing so just because I happened to work while they were growing up?

Thank you for your guest blog - I could have written it myself (substituting journalist for lawyer, of course!)

I also went back to work full-time when my daughter was 3 months old, and it really worked for us too. Sure, the trick is finding the balance between work and family time, getting everyone out the door and back in again, cooking and cleaning, and so forth but it's possible and people need to be reminded of that.

Like you, we're normal professional people who worked relatively normal business hours (9-10 hrs a day) but rarely worked after hours or on the weekends. That was the time we devoted to each other and to our daughter, and it sounds silly and trite, but if you know that's family time you do try to maximize it and I always felt like we did.

I was proud to return to work to a job that most people didn't return to because of the pressure - I thought it was healthy for all of us because I could be happy in my own right and that made me a more positive influence in my family life.

Well, I was going to be a little snarky here, but I am tired of that here on this blog. My question then is, for those for whom it is a choice, do you ever wish you didn't work full-time? Has part-time work ever appealed?

I come from a little different perspective in that while I agree that working is vital in some way to most women, I found that full-time work just pulled me too thin in so many ways. My patience was thinner instead of greater. I felt badly about not being home after school with my kid and not being able to play with her before it got dark everyday. But, that's me. I also suspect that as she get's older I will want to ramp up hours. But, for now, I am much happier.

To Don't Get It,

The whole "letting strangers raise your kids argument" loses a bit of substance when you think that the vast majority of kids will spend most of their time in a classroom being influenced by their teachers. Unless you would like to tar teachers from pre-school on as a malevolent force destroying the planet, relax a little. Should we all home school? Maybe redevelop an agrarian economy where kids stay on the farm under familial control in perpetuity? Being a good or bad parent involves far more than being home when your child comes home from school.

Mom FT/Worker PT

your name alone is snarky. So if you work full time you aren't a mom full time?

No, that is not what I wrote. Once you give birth, or become a parent you are 100% a parent. It is the worker part that is either PT/FT/or SAH. And this applies to Moms or Dads.

Moxie mom--not once did I accuse SAHM of being intellectually vapid, but nice try to turn the argument. But, since you'd like me to take the gloves off, did your husband ever decide he loved his kids enough to stay at home? Do you have many conversations about nuclear proliferation, the uses of intelligence in the run-up to the Iraq war, Supreme Court decisions, etc.? Do you find yourself reading Le Monde? Have discussions with friends about linguistic developments or dialects? Do you think most stay at home parents do?

for younger children and babies, re time: quantity = quality

When I was a kid, I was fully attuned to the notion that "if Mom's not happy, NO ONE is happy." It's true. Why force a mom into a role she doesn't want? Some women are perfectly happy being a SAHM, but if a woman is not, she shouldn't be criticized for pursuing a career as well.

Lots of lawyers on this board. So tempted to hijack and ask for advice--!! Must...resist...!!

"Don't get it" really doesn't get it. To say that being a working mom involves no sacrifice and compromise is completely ridiculous. Every second of your day involves compromise and sacrifice. I am so tired of self-righteous women criticizing women who have say they are happy working moms. In their world, I suppose only women whose families would otherwise be on welfare should ever leave their children to work and they should be miserable about it. We should all just go to college to improve our brains so we can meet husbands and be able to hold up our end of the conversation because once we have kids our career needs to go in the trash. I am a lawyer. I work part-time time doing public interest law. I sacrifice in terms of a lower salary, less benefits and less job mobility because of my part-time schedule. I get up at 5:50am to be at work at 7:30 so I can get home early to have time with my kids for homework and carpools. My family is better off financially because I work and I, too, am a better mother and wife because I spend 7 hours a day in an office doing challenging, interest work. I have not turned over the raising of my children to someone else. The author of this article, myself and all of my working mother friends are the ones raising their children. We are doing the homework with them, attending the soccer games, arranging the playdates, taking them to the parties, doing the science projects. We do it with them when we get home from work. And, we are the ones they talk to when their friends are upsetting them at school or they are excited because they got 30/30 on the math quiz. There are plenty of working moms who are lucky enough to have work life balance and there should be more. And, we all make sacrifices to do it. I have one girlfriend who gets to work at 6:30 so she can meet the school bus at 3; her husband goes into work late to put the kids on the bus. They both work full-time and are lucky to have employers that allow them these schedules. But, part-time arrangements and flexible schedules are still too hard to come by for many parents. My hat is off to the author of this article for making the best choices for her family and finding that balance that works for them.

Those are some really broad strokes you are painting SAH's with. You might want to get to know a few more SAH parents before making such assumptions.

Have discussions with friends about linguistic developments or dialects?

What would such a discussion entail? What is a linguistic development? Seriously?

Cop mom...you had it, then you threw it all away.

I think that I should change my name to FT Worker/FT Mom... for I do the role of both mother and father and work. My compromise was to find a less intense job for a couple years in an industry that I want to be in, at a place that is a couple blocks from my apartment and my childs school. Perhaps my lack of passion for what I do shows up in my work, but I am able to work normal hours and visit her at lunch time most days. I am one of those non-creative types that needs teachers to do fun and educational things with my child. Reading the same book 20 times drives me crazy, as does talking about potty training and such at the park with other moms. I like to have that division in my parent/working lives.

Have discussions with friends about linguistic developments or dialects?

What would such a discussion entail? What is a linguistic development? Seriously?

When my first was 7 and 1/2 months old, I went back to work part time because we had to have the money--trust me, there was nothing to cut back. Thank heavens I did, because I needed it for sanity. It helped me A LOT and probably made me a better mother. I had a very short commute (maybe 15 minutes on a bad day) and just worked 3 to 4 hours 4 days a week. The woman who cared for her also had a child the same age, so the babies got to have some interaction (well, slobbering all over each other), which was good for my child. She got over her separation anxiety much faster than I did! I was really torn between loving my job and the outlet it gave me and leaving my child. It was easier with the second one--I knew that it was healthy for all of us to have some time away from each other--even when my baby was 8 months old! When I look back, the times I was home full time were the most difficult for me. I love working part time now that my kids are in school full time. It gives me time alone to do whatever I want (like sit here on this blog in my p.j's drinking coffee!) for a little while each day, but still take care of obligations at home and work. And I get to see friends! Now that I have spent my free time (well, I did throw a load of wash in before I sat down) I had better get moving!

Cop mom - SAHMs can also read about politics, have discussions with other adults and be engaged in the world outside the home. Why does this stereo type of the SAHM as intellectually static and a martyr persist?

Posted by: moxiemom | January 9, 2007 08:17 AM

Geez - I have to agree with moxiemom. Are women at home just sitting around reciting "This little piggy" all day? I love politics and adult conversation, however the politics discussions I have are usually not with my co-workers but with my friends and family. Sometimes politics in the office place is obnoxious.

And here is Cop mom 's reply:

"Moxie mom--not once did I accuse SAHM of being intellectually vapid, but nice try to turn the argument. But, since you'd like me to take the gloves off, did your husband ever decide he loved his kids enough to stay at home? Do you have many conversations about nuclear proliferation, the uses of intelligence in the run-up to the Iraq war, Supreme Court decisions, etc.? Do you find yourself reading Le Monde? Have discussions with friends about linguistic developments or dialects? Do you think most stay at home parents do?"

Do you think working women have corner on intellectual discussion? You don't even realize how degrading you are being.

Again, I have all those discussions outside the work place - why is that so hard to believe? Your capacity to discuss politics and world events probably has less to do with your work then with your interest in the topics and intelligence, which should help you realize how wrong you are.

Also, is Le Monde some kind of benchmark on intelligent discussion? Give me break.

Great article! I'm a formerly high achieving professional woman, turned into a 19 year SAHM. I fully support you in your desire to work outside the home. I think we each need to find our own balance, and not bash others who choose to walk a different path.

My wife and I have four children and we both work full time. I am a lawyer and she is a registered dietician. Though we need both incomes to support our modest lifestyle (household income of less than $150,000 per year) my wife has often commented that she would still work even if we could get by on one. She loves her work and it is important that she fulfill that part of her. I support her in that though I'd also support her if she decided to stay at home.

I think it's great that some parents, mothers and fathers, have the option of staying at home. I would be far more likely to do it than my wife but I too would probably need some professional outlet.

One thing I find interesting is that the well educated, type A women who are now so passionately embracing stay at home motherhood are the same type that a generation ago were so passionately eschewing it. Why is that?

HURRAY for an essay that expresses how many of us working moms feel! I would be infinitely grumpy if I didn't work. I know because I tried it already. Work keeps my energy in balance and I'm able to be happier and more sane.

HURRAY for an essay that expresses how many of us working moms feel! I would be infinitely grumpy if I didn't work. I know because I tried it already. Work keeps my energy in balance and I'm able to be happier and more sane.

I agree with cmac. My discussion of politics and reading of periodicals is done mostly at home with friends and family. Maybe cop mom's friends outside of work are a bunch of illiterate heathens so she can't imagine people doing such things away from the office.

cmac--you are entirely right that I want to talk about those topics because I am interested in them and found a job where I could talk about them. This isn't about intelligence--it's about finding outlets for what makes you feel like an engaged person. Again, I never said not having those conversations made someone dumb. I merely said I needed to work to find the environment where I could have those conversations.

s--linguistic developments would be the conversations where you discuss how languages relate to one another, how they have evolved, and how that might relate to historical/social issues. On a historical level, how Latin devleoped into romance languages and influenced German grammar would be an example. The USG focuses on finding arabic speakers, but we often also need to focus on what dialect is being used and where those dialects are spoken.

But, I noticed no one has yet raised the issue of when their husbands--who presumably love their kids--are going to decide to stay home and stop having someone else raise their kids.

To cop mom: does your husband stay home and raise your children?

I think today's column is great, and the comments point to the importance of each woman, and for that matter, each family, determining the OPTIMAL way to achieve balance. Note that I did not say "ideal"...that doesn't exist.

I too love working and still feel that I am a good parent. Friends have decided to stay home full time, and that is the right decision for them. Everyday is not perfect, but we each have to figure out what is best for us. There is no one right solution.

And why is the only choice between working and staying home? How about families who change careers to achieve balance? How about families like ours who decided to have only one child in order to manage all that we wanted to do (including what our son enjoys and needs)? There are lots of ways to make life work.

To January 9, 2007 09:04 AM:
Does yours?

I'm like An Dliodior, if my wife and I could afford to have one of us stay home, it would probably be me, unfortunately, my field is also the one with much more potential growth for income, the fortunate thing though, is that I work days and my wife works nights, so one of us is always at home with the kids.

I think that two things need to happen before men stay home with their children

1. we (as woman and men) need to raise a generation of sons that are comfortable in the parenting as well as bread winning role

2. As woman we need to fight hard for equal pay for equal work so that it becomes less of a financial decision in the family for the father to stay home (I'd say that in the majority of american families the male earns more).

I think what we have progressed a lot over the last 50 years, and I think we will progress even more in the next 25-50. Who knows maybe with the progression of science men will be able to carry the pregnancy

Would you be talking about vulgar Latin or popular Latin? My neighbor, currently a SAH parent, just yesterday was extolling the extreme variation between the two.

Would you be talking about Vulgar Latin or Classical Latin? My neighbor, currently a SAH parent, just yesterday was extolling the extreme variation between the two.

KrisD has a good point. I moved away from the city to find balance.

Would you be talking about Vulgar Latin or Popular Latin? My neighbor, currently a SAH parent, just yesterday was extolling the extreme variation between the two.

Choose your priorities and stop whining. I also work for a law firm that allows mothers to work part-time if they wish. However, the childless women who can pull 16-hour days and travel at the drop of a hat are the ones promoted to partner. The part-timers can spend their half-days on the playground discussing sleep habits of their spawn. BOOORRRING!

To 09:04: Nope! But that isn't the point. Cop Mom is the one who made it an issue so I thought I would ask her.

I think that two things need to happen before men stay home with their children

1. we (as woman and men) need to raise a generation of sons that are comfortable in the parenting as well as bread winning role

2. As woman we need to fight hard for equal pay for equal work so that it becomes less of a financial decision in the family for the father to stay home (I'd say that in the majority of american families the male earns more).

I think what we have progressed a lot over the last 50 years, and I think we will progress even more in the next 25-50. Who knows maybe with the progression of science men will be able to carry the pregnancy

Great post that reminds us that not all working moms are frazzled and depleted. Every one of us feels this way on some days, but on average most working moms actually can attain balance. I didn't say 'perfect balance', but just good-enough balance. And that's the goal.

I feel fortunate to live a balanced life by working enough hours to maintain a meaningful career (about 30/week) and having lots of time with my kids (but not so much that I personally wouldn't be as appreciative of each moment). I love that my husband does exactly the same thing.

Thanks for speaking out for the reality of happiness and balance as a working mother.

cop mom - I feel your pain on the outlet issue, but what you posted painted SAHM's unable or uninterested in finding an outlet for their particular interests. There are numerous ways to fulfill your intellectual needs as a SAHM - it takes work though - it is not built in like a workplace.

When I go to a party or an event and people (mostly women) are talking about decorating their homes, preschool, breast feeding - all things you would consider "mommy talk" I can't take it. However, I never assume that those conversations are the only interests these women have. You never know what people's interests, backgrounds and work experience is just by their SAH or Working status.

ASS U ME - well you know what it means.

Thank you so much for the positive comments. I know that I'm not alone out there as a Mom who enjoys working.

Mom FT/Worker PT had a question I wanted to address: "My question then is, for those for whom it is a choice, do you ever wish you didn't work full-time? Has part-time work ever appealed?"

Yes! I have considered working part-time more than once (so has my husband) and I think my law firm would be willing to let me if I asked. But I came down on the side of my career. My schedule usually isn't overly hectic and I don't feel like I'm being torn between work and home. Why fix what's not broken? Of course, things may change but for now this works for us.

To January 9, 2007 09:13 AM
I think she was being sarcastic. We keep fighting among women about staying at home or working, but dads love their families to and don't go through the same fight.

Yikes, cop mom - please don't pull out your gun! I wasn't "taking the gloves off" I was simply responding to your post from my perspective. I didn't mention antything about your life choices or anyone elses.

You said:

"I simply need the mental stimulation outside of the home. I grew up as an overachiever and couldn't imagine staying at home full-time. As much joy as I get to reading to my son and playing with him, I still need to read about politics, engage in adult conversations, and be engaged in the world beyond my house."

The implication of the above statement is that these things cannot be achieved while staying at home which is what I was responding to.

I didn't say anything about anyone loving their children enough to stay home or what I thought was appropriate for anyone else. The situation we have chosen works for us.

Actually we (my husband and I and my friends) do discuss the war, the middle east, Sudan and believe it or not I did read Le Monde online after Saddam was executed to get the French take on the situation (incroyable!). I listen to NPR, read the paper every morning, belong to a book club and I enjoy absolutely terrible reality t.v. I'm a real, regular, whole person not just a housewife wiping bottoms and floors.

As far as do most stay at home parents talk about these things? I've gotta be talking to someone don't I?

Great post that reminds us that not all working moms are frazzled and depleted. Every one of us feels this way on some days, but on average most working moms actually can attain balance. I didn't say 'perfect balance', but just good-enough balance. And that's the goal.

I feel fortunate to live a balanced life by working enough hours to maintain a meaningful career (about 30/week) and having lots of time with my kids (but not so much that I personally wouldn't be as appreciative of each moment). I love that my husband does exactly the same thing.

Thanks for speaking out for the reality of happiness and balance as a working mother.

Amen LawyerMama - great blog and you've expressed very well what many of us who work and enjoy working feel. I went to law school when my two boys were three years and eighteen months - after being home for 3 years and after dad decided 2 kids were too much responsibility. I loved law school, love practicing law, and will never, ever be financially dependent on anyone again. My boys are now 13 and nearly 11 - they go to school and I'm home with the 11 year old (and his 4 year old sister) less than an hour after the 13 year old gets home. Unless school teachers are raising my kids, I'm doing it with equal participation from my husband. My three kids see a happy mom who enjoys her work, has a fulfilling career, contributes financially, and still is a mom who makes dinner, participates in the three schools, yes bakes cookies, yes makes costumes, and on good weekends, skis with them. We also clean our own house and go our own yardwork. Easy? Not always. Busy? Absolutely. Fun? You betcha. I wouldn't change a thing and on those days when balance seems unattainable, I go to bed and the next day is generally a little easier. But I never think I should quit my job and stay home. Never.

she's baaack... I think CBC's name should be spawn as she is one (as are the rest of us)... so spawn, how ya been?

Cop mom:
"As ever, I wonder why no one ever foists this debate on men. If they aren't up at night having cold sweats about choosing family or career, why are women?"

Umm, many of us are -- it's just that many of us feel that our choices are more constrained. While the number of SAHDs is slowly increasing, it is still much more likely to meet a WOHM than a SAHD. Thus, for men the choice is often between being willing to work the 60+ hours/week that is necessary for career advancement or being willing to work the 40 hours/week that is more conducive to spending time with the family.

"My husband and I left the D.C. area in search of a slower pace and more balance."

This thought has crossed my mind more times than I could count. I dream of moving to a sleepy New England town and working in an independent bookstore with wacky and eccentric locals... :)

The DC working culture is just ridiculous. I looked for MONTHS just for a job in my field that was 9-5 (I can't imagine finding a decent part time job). Everyone wants 8-6 +, evening funtions, etc...No one should work that much, nevermind those with kids. It's awful that "part time" is 7 hours/day.

I have never missed dinner and I don't work on weekends. I check my Blackberry once in the evening and I don't respond- I'm just seeing what I'm in for in the morning.

I work AT WORK. I parent at home. I don't tap away on my Blackberry while pushing my daughter in the swings on a Saturday morning (I see this every weekend and it makes me sad)

I think we largely do this to ourselves- we let our bosses and coworkers take over our lives. How many times have you told your kids to hold on while on the phone or computer?
that to your boss? Probably not- but it's important to set limits on that as well. THere's no need to be a slave to your boss if you work full time- or your child, as people seem to belive, when a SAHM.

*****What's best for you is best for your family.*****

Is this oft-quoted advice also true for husbands/fathers or is it only for wives/mothers? If husbands/fathers spend their time doing whatever makes them happy, are their wives and children automatically happy too?

I love my job and it's very flexible. I'm able to work 6:30 to 2:30 and be home when the kids get home from school. When the kids became preteens, we decided we needed a parent at home full time, so my husband quit his job and is now a SAHD. There ARE dads out there willing to make the sacrifice!

I get tired of all these moms justifying that work makes them a better person. I think this argument is open to attack and also a tired one.

The real reason a lot of moms work today is to help support their families. Yes, I love my work but there is no way I could quit. We depend on my income. I'm fine with that. My husband makes a smidgen less than I do running his own restaurant. I provide health insurance to him and my son through my job.

How many families out there depend on moms who work? I wager more than not. The kind of society we live in today does not offer many women the "choice" of working or not. We could not afford the mortgage for our 1600 sq ft home in a non-expensive town in Ohio if I did not work.

Sometimes, it's not a choice but a necessity. I think the people who attack moms for "wanting" to work are living in as much of a dream world as those moms who natter on about how they have to work to be a full person or something. For most of us, it's a necessity.

At the same time, I would never want to be a SAHM. I enjoy working and have found my own balance by working from home full-time.

Stephanie, great working woman's topic.

Here are the words that popped out at me: "let me assure you that I don't have a nanny"

I'm not sure why you would put forth an effort to convince me that you don't have a nanny. Is there something you find undesirable about employing a nanny? I'm hoping that you didn't reach into your lawyer's bag of persuasive tricks and use the nanny example to try to impress us with the notion that you have no outside childcare arrangements.
I am curious as to who provides childcare for your 2 young boys while you are working. if you happen to visit your guest blog today, I would appreciate a little more insight on how the childcare thing fits into your life balance.

to cmac and moxiemom:

My kudos to both of you. I wasn't able to find a group of people outside of work who shared my interests. I've met a lot of very nice people in my neighborhood who I would go to the ends of the earth to help and vice versa, but we don't share much in common about what we would choose to talk about in our free time. I'm thrilled that you both are able to live the lives you want to lead.

Not directly to you guys: I really enjoy doing things that people don't expect me to be able to do or talk about--and work gives that to me. I'm grateful to have a loving (working) husband who works hard with me to make our lives a workable balance. The comments about "husbands staying at home" is because I find this whole debate ludicrous. There is the expectation that if someone will stay home with the kids, it will be mom (please don't flame me SAHDs) and I wish we could turn this debate around from "moms: to work or not" to "parents: to work or not."

You know, it strikes me that kids are kind of a red herring in this debate. They may force the issue, but it's really about work/life balance, period. I'm childless, and in fact recently took a reduction in pay for a job at a very small firm close to my house where the people are friendly and I'm home, unstressed, at 5:30. After that I walk my dogs, see friends, do yoga, volunteer at church, watch tv, cook fun meals - all things I love and have decided to prioritize over more hours, more money, more prestige. So far, so good!

LOVED this blog entry. I have two young children and returned to full time work outside of the home approximately three months after the birth of each child. I love being a mom and a wife and I love my career. Balancing it all is a great message to send to my daughter and to my son. My job is a career that I worked hard to build. I too am a lawyer. I work as the chief lobbyist and general counsel for a non-profit association. I love what I do. I also love raising my kids (which contrary to an early posters assumption is what my husband and I have been doing since the kids were born).

I am also lucky to have kids that are thriving, a wonderful husband, amazing preschool teachers, elementary school teachers and a great network of support. I also have switched off babysitting and playdates with neighborhood moms so that we can get alone time with our husbands. Although I still am searching for the holy grail (a reliable available babysitter for regular date nights with my husband). But that's another blog topic.
I will say it's definitely worth the effort to find someone to babysit on occasion--my sil in another state,a stay at home mom, e-mailed me recently to say that she was excited to be going on her first date with her husband without the kids in four years.
Anyway I haven't read all the responses--just wanted to say I appreciate reading about someone like me. We do exist and our family/work life balance works for our entire family and isn't that what counts?

The annoying thing about working people who assert that SAH parents can't make decent conversation often don't realize that most of the very same working people can't make decent conversation themselves. I've run into countless people who work and then collapse in front of the TV in the evening, watching mindless reality or game shows or the 200th showing of some middling film on cable. When I wasn't working I still had far more interests outside the home than most of the "working" people I came into contact with, few of whom even read the daily headlines or watched a real news show for more than 10 minutes a day. I often tried to discuss film or art exhibits or interesting current events only to get a blank look or a shrug of noninterest or typically "Oh, we're so busy! We haven't been to [a movie, concert, vacation spot other than Disney] in ages!" However, these people often knew all about what Nicole Kidman was up to or which celebrity was in rehab.

Please stop telling me that every person who has a job is therefore far more intellectually stimulated than people who are homemakers or SAH parents. Many people I know are made braindead by their jobs, or find very little that is "stimulating" about them.

*****What's best for you is best for your family.*****

Is this oft-quoted advice also true for husbands/fathers or is it only for wives/mothers? If husbands/fathers spend their time doing whatever makes them happy, are their wives and children automatically happy too?

Posted by: MBA Mom | January 9, 2007 09:33 AM

Hah! Yeah, right. Chris Rock has a great joke about this that's only funny because it's true. Something about a husband dragging himself out of bed every morning, looking in the mirror and saying to himself, "You're [nothing]. Now, lets go out there today and make this [girl] happy."

Quick question - not to be snarky; but how to stay at home parents impart on their children a work ethic, and the need to be independent and self sufficient?

Stephanie - loved the guest blog. I'm another mom who works because I want to. I don't know if this is going to devolve into the inevitable "why-have-kids-if-you-ain't-gonna-raise-'em" debacle, but I've never understood that question. I've met very few parents in my life that stay home with children 24/7, homeschooling, etc. Come to think of it, I haven't met any. In my tougher honest moments, I think I would be BAD at staying home full time and I'll wonder if maybe I shouldn't have had kids.......but then I think about how this is true for many, many, many men also - and no one would suggest they not have kids just because they don't want to quit their jobs and stay home full time. Small comfort, maybe, but the bigger comfort comes when I find other women like you who enjoy their jobs, and stay because they WANT to.

To U street denizen: Yes, yes, yes! This is all about a balanced and happy life for us parents (and non-parents). And along the way, our kids get to see us model a happy adulthood for them - a lovely gift to give them.

Way before my husband even met me, he did just what you are doing - and even worked part time in order to have a balanced and fun life. It was a simple life so that his salary met his expenses, but a rich life from a balance perspective. He would be posting his own cheer for your views, but he's home today with the kids (posting is far easier from my desk that when you're the 'home' parent!).

"Quick question - not to be snarky; but how to stay at home parents impart on their children a work ethic, and the need to be independent and self sufficient?"

A few weeks back, there was a post from a WOHM who hated having to work and who was worried that she was sending her daughter the message that it would be impossible for her to stay home. I don't think SAHMs have a lock on sending their kids mixed messages.

Thank you for a piece that does give reassurance from the working side that it's feasible. I think the stressed-out side is often the one highlighted, and I appreciate the balance.

Teachers may be raising your kids. Talk to any teacher who is frustrated dealing with this generation of kids who are impolite, whiney, hyper, and a list of other wonderful traits that parents are teaching them. Teachers spend oodles of time correcting bad behavior that shouldn't be there. It has nothing to do with whether you stay home or not. It has everything to do with discipline and respect. You're passing your guilt onto them and they pass it through bad behavior in their classrooms. Just ask any teacher but they may not tell you the truth because most time, you're still thinking your kid is an angel.

I agree that this was a good guest blog.

If making Partner or Vice President is in the cards for you, then it is, if it isn't that's alright as well.

It's nice to hear from someone who likes their job and their family! You can be my lawyer anytime.

This SHAM's advice for my sons and daughters; get good grades, go to college, find a career that you like, pursue it, look for part time options if needed, always remain employable, as you never know what life will hand you. SAHs should be prepared to go back to work if illness, death or divorce take away the needed income.

Examples I set: tales of my work before I had children, discussions about friends who combine work and family successfully, and how a career is probably easier if you limit your family to fewer children than four. Also, what I liked and didn't like about working, talking about the employment I plan to pursue when the children are launched, and I do quite a bit of volunteer work, to be involved and give back to the community.

Rockville - although I agree there are a lot of badly behaved children, I do not agree it is the result of working parents' guilt. Of the children I know, those of the SAHPs are not the better behaved, in fact many of them are the worst. They believe the world revolves around them and the parents, from what I've seen, change the environment to meet the demands of the child. Children who I've seen in pre-school, including my own, learn social skills, respect for their teachers and other children, the ability to accept "no" on occasion, and that there are others whose needs may come ahead of their own sometimes. An added benefit is seeing and befriending children from a variety of cultures and family situations. Our state just initiated public pre-K because those children with pre-school experience do so much better once they start kindergarten. Badly behaved children can result from parents who fail to provide structure and discipline regardless of their work status and/or guilt.

I wish we could turn this debate around from "moms: to work or not" to "parents: to work or not."

Cop Mom, this is changing, I think. At least in our case, my husband and I have each taken on a shift of stay-at-home parenting (me for almost 3 years; my husband, for 1.5 years and counting). When my husband, an executive, told his counterparts he was quitting to be a stay-at-home dad, he was surprised how many of the men at his level were supportive and said they wished they had done the same when their children were small.

It's just one anecdote-- but, hey, the stay-at-home dads are out there. And there are even some of us who decide to take turns on the stay-at-home parenting so that neither partner's career takes too much of a hit.

Thank you, thank you!

I just started my last semester of law school and am beginning to make serious decisions about the type of life I want to have - and that life will include a full-time job (I didn't just pay all this money and spend all this time to play CandyLand all day...) AND kids. It seems as though this blog is often dedicated to the "evils" of working motherhood - especially targeted at those of use who have chosen professional, demanding careers (we can't help it - we come from the "women can do EVERYTHING! generation, even though we all know that that is a load of propagandist bs). It is refreshing to hear from a women who made the choices I am making and who is happy with that choice.

To Father of 4: here's how I interepted "let me assure you I don't have a nanny" -- that Stephanie has the same struggles to pick up her kids from a child care arrangement by a set time as the average working parent. An in-home nanny has to wait for a parent to come home and tends to be a more flexible arrangement.

I was active Working Mom with Two kids. Very stressed due to stressful job and behaviorial issues with kids. Lack of sufficient support from husband.

Husband wanted more kids. Wife/Mom offered compromise "Only if I can go part-time or stay at home without us living in poverty". Husband does nothing to increase his salary; so no more kids.

Fast forward a few years later.. husband left for younger woman to have more kids ("wished he'd listened to me before")... Thank goodness I had my career to finish supporting the two kids I felt responsible and accountable for.

I enjoy my work. My husband accused me of putting my career before my family. yet, I did not leave my family for another woman to have more kids. Is this all crazy or what??? I say if you want to stay home and are able - ENJOY! I say if you want to work and are able - ENJOY! I say if you have no choice but to work, it does help that you can ENJOY without feeling guilty about it. And you never know - it might be a life saver one day. Because you never know what is on the road around the bend that you never saw coming..

To Father of 4: here's how I interepted "let me assure you I don't have a nanny" -- that Stephanie has the same struggles to pick up her kids from a child care arrangement by a set time as the average working parent. An in-home nanny has to wait for a parent to come home and tends to be a more flexible arrangement.

To Childless by Choice, and all who scorn the "breeders".

I find it extremely offensive that instead of simply choosing to not have children and be done with it, you have decided to actively and maliciously criticize people who choose to have a family. Your derision smacks of disappointment, and your every post leaves me wondering if, in fact, you are not "childless by choice" but because you are not able to have children yourself (either because you've never married and don't want to be a single parent, or because nature will not allow you to have children).

Do tell us why you are SO nasty? You were someone's "spawn" once, too. (Is that how your parents referred to you?)

Hiya "Don't Get It" -- What I may never get is why so much anger is directed towards moms, whether we work at home, pick crops or argue cases like Lawyer Mama. We are NOT letting others "raise our kids." We are NOT "selfish" for wanting and needing to work. Go harrass someone else! Or better yet, get happy yourself and leave other moms alone.

I just want to plug in for U street denizen. I too do not have children and my husband and I do not want any. I just took a different job because I wanted a life outside of work. Several people I work with keep asking me when I intend to start a family, assuming that is the reason I'm changing jobs. The real reason is that I just want a life outside of work. I want to play piano. I want to take yoga. I'm thinking of taking Irish dance classes. No kids involved, I just want a life.

The good news that I see happening around me is that I am not the only one who feels this way (about having a life no matter what the reason). I see more and more people who are sick of the long hours (currently work in consulting), the business dinners, the selling expectations, etc. and just want some time to be a person separate from their career. I hope that this trend continues to the point of pushing us all to greater balance regardless of our family status.

Every woman has to decide what works for her but I was lucky enough to have a choice and wild horses could not have dragged me away from my children. I had worked for several years before having them as a computer software engineer but never regretted staying home with them until they started school. At that point I went to work part time and volunteered in schools. My children learned that a 'work ethic' can be about volunteering to help others and doesn't have to be about a paycheck. They learned that making family a priority and "working" to live on a budget is important. I have friends who have worked full time since their children were babies and feel that it made them better moms. That is simply not the choice I could make.

CBC is a hateful woman who was abused and, now, in turn is abusive. She is carrying on an affair with a married man and is probably so upset with her life that she turns to a blog about balancing family and work to lash out.

I agree with U St & Co. - I could have found a more high powered, lucrative job in my field, but chose to work for a smaller company to achieve balance, even though I have no children. I do like to have time to volunteer, run, do yoga, etc. Balance is important for everyone....

Amen, Morgan. I'm a working mother by necessity who would love to stay home. While I completely understand the need for fulfillment and intellectual stimulation, I simply don't understand why so many people seem to think those things are found only at work. In my experience, those things are found only outside of work. Being a working mother just leaves me exhausted and stretched too thin. In my limited spare time I just want to veg out. I would have so much more time for the things I find fulfilling and stimulating if I was at home.

"Quick question - not to be snarky; but how to stay at home parents impart on their children a work ethic, and the need to be independent and self sufficient?"

Single Mom, I WOH but since work ethic (or the lack of one) is a pet peeve, I can't resist responding to your question. Having a good work ethic isn't at all about being compensated for one's efforts. It can be taught by being a reliable and responsible Sunday School teacher, by following through on home repairs timely commenced, by raking the leaves on a gorgeous fall day when one would rather be playing golf just because they need to be raked. To me, work ethic is taught by taking the initiative to work at almost anything and doing a task well whether or not anyone is looking. It's about creating a culture in your household of careful, responsible diligence.

On the other hand, I also know many employed persons who haven't a lick of work ethic. Don't you?

to Mom FT/Worker PT: part time work appeals greatly, but it doesn't work in my job, and I am the primary breadwinner in our family. It also doesn't work in my spouse's industry - IT. If he even breathed a hint of wanting to work part-time or a daytime only schedule, he'd be replaced within 6 months through some sort of reorg that only eliminates his position. We've already relocated to achieve more balance, and it's better than it was, but p/t jobs do not work across all industries and roles. I believe many, many families would opt for one full-time, one part-time employed parent, were that option more broadly available.

"I don't get it" wants to know where the compromise and sacrifice is, as if being a parent requires you to be some kind of martyr that gives up all other rewarding aspects of life in order to raise children.

I just don't see it that way. Raising children is hard enough without looking for martyrdom on purpose. If someone has a career that is conducive to raising children, where the hours are not too long or the stress to great, then hurray for them. Our children do not need us to be there 24/7. It is absolutely fine to outsource some of the childcaring duties to a nanny or daycare or babysitter for some of the time. The child will still know that their parents love them, and if you choose a good childcare situation, they will make some friends, adjust to other people, and learn some independence which will build up their self esteem and confidence. These are all good things.

I think every parent realizes that sometime during their childraising years, they will be called on to make some hard choices and sacrifices. We are all up to that. But I am not up to martyring myself in vain. If I can raise my children well and still be happy at work, what on earth is the harm in that?

Kudos to you, LawyerMama, for finding the balance that works for your life.

"Quick question - not to be snarky; but how to stay at home parents impart on their children a work ethic, and the need to be independent and self sufficient?"

Single Mom, I WOH but since work ethic (or the lack of one) is a pet peeve, I can't resist responding to your question. Having a good work ethic isn't at all about being compensated for one's efforts. It can be taught by being a reliable and responsible Sunday School teacher, by following through on home repairs timely commenced, by raking the leaves on a gorgeous fall day when one would rather be playing golf just because they need to be raked. To me, work ethic is taught by taking the initiative to work at almost anything and doing a task well whether or not anyone is looking. It's about creating a culture in your household of careful, responsible diligence.

On the other hand, I also know many employed persons who haven't a lick of work ethic. Don't you?

to Mom FT/Worker PT: part time work appeals greatly, but it doesn't work in my job, and I am the primary breadwinner in our family. It also doesn't work in my spouse's industry - IT. If he even breathed a hint of wanting to work part-time or a daytime only schedule, he'd be replaced within 6 months through some sort of reorg that only eliminates his position. We've already relocated to achieve more balance, and it's better than it was, but p/t jobs do not work across all industries and roles. I believe many, many families would opt for one full-time, one part-time employed parent, were that option more broadly available.

I've been a SAHM for ten years. My husband's job requires that he work a constantly changing schedule that combines 2nd and 3rd shift, days and weekends, and many holidays. He earns several times what I would be able to earn.

Before kids, my 50 hour work week meant that we would have only a few evenings each month to spend together which was a strain on our marriage. We didn't think we could hold it all together and raise a family so we decided I would stay home.

The only time I feel regret about this choice is when I'm treated like I parked my brain at the door ten years ago.

I have great conversations on many topics with my SAHM and WOHM friends. I don't think there's any worry about kids not learning about work because their mom is home with them. They'll develop intellectual curiosity by watching me read, watch and listen to the news and discuss events with friends. My daughter shares my desk with me while I work managing our finances. My son(7)can plan and cook dinner with a little supervision. He went through an annoying phase in which everything he said was sung to the melody from "All Things Considered".

I see an appalling number of young people with no life skills. Developing a work ethic and intellect is not all about getting paid.

I too have a very balanced work/home life as do many of the better educated parents I know - education or training gives you options. We are able to work out flexible schedules precisely because we have skills that are in high demand.

I stayed home with my children for 12 years, working part time to keep up with my field and staying active in professional associations - I actually had more time to read and do research while home with my kids than I do now working full time. Even with taking off that much time, I have a position now that is higher than I anticipated achieving had I not had children at all(which, as many note will often slow your career pace even if you go back to work right away.)

Because I have achieved a certain level, I can take off when I want, work around children's activities, etc... I love having staff who can cover for me - just as they would if I were on a business trip. I don't get this bias against nannies or doing well enough to have the flexibility in your career to make balance easier. And yes, my husband has made the same choices that complement mine.

I have friends who did make partner - years later than they might have had they not worked part time but they also had a much higher quality of life while their collegues were trying to get their 1800 billable hours and never left the office.

really! what about us? we commute 3 hours a day, we work 9.5 hours a day, we go home and take care of the kids so mommy can have "me time" and EVEN THEN we have to beg for sex? WTF?!

Here! Here!

"While I completely understand the need for fulfillment and intellectual stimulation, I simply don't understand why so many people seem to think those things are found only at work. In my experience, those things are found only outside of work."

It's amusing -- I'm fortunate enough to now be in a position where I can earn a nice income and occassionally work from my home -- and I'm listening to my SAHM wife and her SAHM friend -- both with graduate degrees -- alternating their conversation in the other room between educational theory, philosophy, and politics. Both volunteer significantly in our childrens' schools -- as well as other community activities -- and seem to do pretty well in their desire to have intellectual conversations.

"how to stay at home parents impart on their children a work ethic, and the need to be independent and self sufficient?""

A "work ethic" doesn't apply only to paid work done outside the home. My children see that I "work" caring for our home, for them, and doing volunteer work and they understand the importance of those things as well as seeing the results of my work every day. Questioning how a SAHM teaches "work ethic" to their child certainly sounds like you think we sit around on our rear ends all day doing nothing.

Re: the need to be independent and self-sufficient. Well, my kids know that I went to college and worked for many years supporting myself (and in the case of my older children, them and my ex-husband). They also know that I will return to work after they are all older and that I have education, experience, and skills that would allow me to be self-sufficient if needed.

But for now they also understand
that my husband and I are partners that share the duties of raising our children, taking care of our home, and earning the money required to do both of those things. So what if the separation of duties is such that he does the earning and I do the majority of the child and house care - it's still a partnership.

From a post above:

"Though we need both incomes to support our modest lifestyle (household income of less than $150,000 per year)

Posted by: An Dliodoir | January 9, 2007 08:50 AM "

GOOD GRIEF!!! What planet do you people live on? Someone who thinks that an income of near $150,000 is "modest" needs a HUGE HUGE HUGE reality check!

The MEDIAN household income in this country is $47,000+.

The economic MIDDLE class is from about $36000 - 56,000.

Anyone with an income ABOVE $75,000+ is the UPPER 20% of all households. Anyone with an income of $150000 and up is in the top 10% of all households.

-----

On the topic, this is incredibly tedious. My grandmother heard the same boring disscussion in the 30s (and she worked); my mother heard it in the 50s (and she worked); my generation heard it in the 70s-80s.

Never met a SAHM who wasn't as dull and boring as dirt - obsessed with the children's thoughts, behavior and activities and whose adult interaction is restricted to their spouses and other SAHMS.

All those women who want to fulfill themselves by being a SAHM had better think long and hard. The fastest way to end up in poverty without health insurance for women of ALL economic levels is to get divorced. (See the experience of 3 prior generations.) Betting that there is no chance that you won't end up divorced is pretty delusional.

If you drop out of the employment market to sit home, you will NOT be taken seriously when you try to re-enter. Sorry but it is true. When you decide to go back to work at 40, 45 or whatever, you will find out (1) that there are lots of bright young things who will be hired before you and (2) what age discrimination is all about and how easily it is concealed behind platitudes such as "not a good fit", "needed someone with more recent experience" etc.

You are deluding yourself if you think you can waltz back into the employment market and pick up where you left off. "Staying home with the children" is not a resume enhancer.

When (not 'if') a lot of you SAHMs are felled by the 'divorced in your late 40s-early 50s when the kids leave for college and he wants out' thing, the true consequences of you choice will hit home. Your Social Security will be less - if you get disabled or when you retire. You will not have current job skills or degrees. (A 30 year old degree in anything is pretty useless.) You won't be able to afford to go back to school and, in any event, someone at 50 with a nice new degree is still not exactly a hot property in the job market (that age thing again.)

My generation (late 60s to late 70s) watched that happen to our mothers' generation of SAHMs. They bought into the late 1940s-50s malarkey about staying home with the children being the only true happiness. Their husbands went out the door when they reached their late 40s and early 50s and wanted a more exciting life, feeling free to pursue as 'the children were gone.' Even had a name for them - "displaced homemakers." Women with degrees from some of the most prestigious colleges and universities in the US were unemployable and could only find work in retail and restuarants and entry level clerical (after retraining on office skills.) That generation of SAHMs are now in their 70s and 80s and those women live in DEEP poverty - or to put it in numbers which those who think "$150,000 is a moderate income" can understand, Poverty Level is below $9800 a year for one person and Deep Poverty Level is below $7350 per year for one person. Those women are financially dependent upon their children for the basic necessities of food, shelter and medical expenses (Medicare only pays 80%)

Sending messages to kids....I was a home daycare provider when my children were small...my husband traveled and I couldn't juggle it all and work outside the home...and I wanted to be with my kids. One of the kids I watched was the daughter of a career mom...the mom said she wanted to show her daughter this example of a happy working successful mom, that she did not have because her mom stayed home and watched other people's kids. The career woman's daughter wrote about what she wanted to be when she grew up..." a babysitter like Miss Amy, so that I can be with my kids."....My kids are now 19 and 13...I have worked and stayed at home...know lots of people on both sides of it....you can't justify one as better than the other if you are looking for outcomes with your own kids. Listen to your kids...and if you have the choice...(beyond the first year) cut your schedule back in the teen years....

My fiance and I are discussing what we'll do once we start having kids in a year or so. I have two graduate degrees and 15 years of experience in a career that I enjoy and value. I would like to continue working, but I've always pictured myself as a SAH mom. Yet where I'm most torn is that while I believe that I should be home to raise my kids, I want to give my own children the role model of a career-oriented mother with whose out there trying to make a difference. It's not knocking the SAH moms, but more that there's another image that I want to impress on my children. Just as my mother did with me and my three siblings when she worked as a lawyer (in a time when women were just breaking into the field)... She worked from home, but doing so meant giving up her career goals for us. ("Work" does not necessarily equal a "career.") Maybe I can figure out a way to do the same - to keep working albeit at a slower, non-career ladder pace - but it will likely mean a complete switch of careers for me b/c mine is not conducive to that sort of arrangement. Basically, I have no idea what to do...

The difference that I discovered between times when I worked outside the home and time that I stayed at home was the quality of weekends. When I was at home, I could take care of auto maintenance, grocery shopping, and other misc errands during the week so that our weekends could be at a more relaxing pace. When working, many of those errands were pushed to the weekends making it very hectic.

I really enjoyed today's column, though the comments took their usual turn. I really related to LawyerMama's life (even though I'm apparently in the minority here by being neither alawyer nor a journalist). I work full time and most days enjoy it. I'd a stressed raving lunatic if I were home all the time. BUT it's not just about 'what I enjoy is best for everybody else'. It is good for my child to learn to interact with lots of people. And I have not relinquished the structure or discipline he needs to others simply because he is with them. If he emulates behavior he sees elsewhere that is unacceptable in our home, he hears about and learns the difference. I have chosen his day care providers carefully for what they offer in education and environment. We interact with his providers to ensure that what my husband and I have determined is best is what is delivered. Our son knows he is infinitely loved, has clear parameters, and appropriate expectations. Even though both my husband and I work, we have lots of family time when we are truly focused on each other. We have dinner together every night, breakfast every morning, commute together, ride bikes, etc. We even run errands and grocery shop together as a family. In some ways that takes extra effort, but mostly it's just really nice that life at home is all about being in it together. We got an invitation to a child's birthday party this weekend (Chuckie Cheese, groan) and it never occurred to my husband that we weren't ALL going. I had to point out that he might be the only husband there (he was, and totally didn't care).

"Never met a SAHM who wasn't as dull and boring as dirt - obsessed with the children's thoughts, behavior and activities and whose adult interaction is restricted to their spouses and other SAHMS."

Bored with the subject, for whatever useful perspective you add, comments like this one are breathtaking in their ignorance and small-mindedness. Perhaps the SAHMs you've encountered were put off by the wonder of your intellect, friendliness, and openness to new ideas.

Some fields are more open to re-entry by SAHMs than others. C'est la vie.

For someone bored with the subject you sure have a lot to say on it.

"Quick question - not to be snarky; but how to stay at home parents impart on their children a work ethic, and the need to be independent and self sufficient?"

I grew up with a SAHM, and this was an issue. She talked the talk, for sure, but the walk was noticeably absent. Seeing her reading the paper over three leisurely cups of coffee, lunching with the ladies, and still enjoying all the finer things in life really took some of the oomph out of the parenting arguments. All that "you'll value it more if you work for it", "never let yourself become unemployable", "when I was working..." it just rang hollow. When the "kids" are 14, 15 and 17, riding bikes to school, at atheletics and extra-curriculars til 6pm or later, what's a SAHM's excuse? Can there be any other than that she prefers her leisure? Hey, great, I like leisure. I hope someday to have more of it. But for her entire raison d'etre to be "staying home for the kids" when the kids were out of the house 11 hours a day, well... I am NOT playing the martyr here, but I feel like I grew up kind of quickly, constantly faced with that inherent contradiction. I didn't respect my mom. Especially not after I went out and got my first job at 15. And it could be completely unconnected, but my brother hasn't held a job in over five years. He lets his wife support him, though he's definitely not a SAHD (the kids go to daycare). It's funny how similar his defenses are to my mother's: there are no jobs in this town for someone of my skills, it's more convenient to have someone available for the kids just in case...

Sorry, this was a ramble. And the point is, I agree with the sentiment expressed in the question. This is a difficult balance, and I think a lot of it has to do with the kids' age. Perhaps the key to showing them balance and independence is to stay home for a few years, then pick up the career where it was left off...

Bored with the subject, you said "If you drop out of the employment market to sit home, you will NOT be taken seriously when you try to re-enter."

In my experience and the experience of many other women I know, this is completely UNTRUE. I was a stay-at-home mom for years before re-entering the workforce earlier this year. I had my pick of job offers and was very surprised by how quickly they came -- within weeks of putting my resume out, I had three offers for full-time or part-time work. And I work in IT, so you could hardly say that my skills after a four-year hiatus were bright and shiny. I know of many women who stayed home for much longer than I did and had similar experiences.

Also, if I think about what MIGHT happen, all the bad things that could come up in the future, I would probably never leave my house. I wouldn't have gotten married, certainly would not have had children, and would basically be reduced to a quivering jelly. Life is full of risks, and in my experience, those who go out on a limb do fall down sometimes, but get more joy out of existence than those who fear the "what ifs".

We all seem to be having this discussion as a "one-size-fits-all". If I had a daughter who was making the decision my advice would be to make every effort to stay at home until your child is at least 4 or 5 years old. A three year old doesn't need the model of a working mother. Once they start school, try to arrange your schedule to be there when they get off the bus. To me, that is the ideal situation. I know not everyone has those choices, but for those who do, this would be my advice.

"The only time I feel regret about this choice is when I'm treated like I parked my brain at the door ten years ago."

Amen. I don't feel any "regret" about my choice even when faced with the brain parking comments, but I don't understand how people can possibly think that giving up a paid job means the end of any brain activity beyond the level of a 4 year old. Even when I was working, I would say I received equal or more "intellectual stimulation" from activities, conversations, and friends outside of work as on the job.

"I am a better parent, a better role model, and a better person because I work outside of the home."

It strikes me as odd that people in general are OK with this comment (which I have heard many, many times over the years) from a working parent, but a SAHM would be absolutely attacked if she said: "I am a better parent, a better role model, and a better person because I stay home with my children."

Chiming in to agree with U Street Denizen, Missicat and everyone else who said that this is not so much a "mom" issue as a "work-life balance for everyone" issue. I'm back in school earning my MA in hopes that this will give me leverage to find a great job that pays decently and yet allows me to have a life outside of work.

Decent part-time jobs are also not just a parent issue - if more of these were available, people with disabilities would benefit, too. I have several friends who have autoimmune diseases, fibromyalgia and so on, who would love to work but can't find decent part-time work and the full-time work is just too much for them, so they stay home. Many people who can't work full-time because of disability issues could work part-time.

An Dliodoir - $150,000 a *modest* income? I guess that's one of those "you know you live in a big coastal city when..." type indicators! (I know it would be considered "modest" in SF, LA, etc. too.) Still, dang. Who would have thought that a six-figure income could be considered "modest?" Ai yi yi. Elizabeth Warren is right, housing and healthcare inflation is out of hand.

Lawyer Mama--thank you for a thoughtful piece. I, too have been a work-out-of-the-home mom since my daughter was about 3 months old. And thank my stars I continued to work, otherwise I would not be able to support my daughter now that I'm a single parent whose former spouse elects not to contribute financially. I have made "sacrifices" that included working part time until my daughter was 1, and part-time when she was 5, before heading off to kindergarten. Why? Yes, to spend more time with her. But also to spend more time with myself! I am truly a better mother when I am working in a job I love and am quite good at, with adult contact and interaction that makes me happy. I am also a better mom when I have some "me" time. Does this mean I don't love my daughter with my whole heart? No. Make no mistake, I am raising my daughter and I was raising her when she was in preschool. Moms have always had help, from grandparents, neighbors, friends, wealthy stay at home wives have always had nannies. Our children are better off for having a whole group of people around who love and nurture them.

GOOD GRIEF!!! What planet do you people live on? Someone who thinks that an income of near $150,000 is "modest" needs a HUGE HUGE HUGE reality check!

Have you or do you live in the DC area? When I lived there by the time I paid the crazy rent, daycare, commuting costs, food, utilities, student loans, etc. I made very little. The cost of living is so high in the DC area that 150, 000 really isn't that much.

Now, if you take that salary to say Nebraska, Missouri or Iowa, you would be living large.

"It strikes me as odd that people in general are OK with this comment (which I have heard many, many times over the years) from a working parent, but a SAHM would be absolutely attacked if she said: "I am a better parent, a better role model, and a better person because I stay home with my children.""

I actually agree that some parents are better parents, role models, and people if they stay at home. I also agree that others do better if they work. Why do we have to pigeon hole people into some ridiculous one size-fits-all role? People are different. They have different personaliites, expectations, levels of patience, tolerances for chaos and stress, etc. Some parents are great doing the stay at home thing. Others really are no good at it. Same goes for working parents. Just because I personally like to work does not mean that I am judging those who choose to stay at home. Why do we have to personalize everything everyone says, as if it were an attack on our choices, when they are just an expression of another valid choice?

To: Bored w/Subject

In DC, $150,000 is a moderate income. The average income in the DC area (last I heard a few years ago) is $74,500 per person. So the $150k person is exactly average.

To put it in perspective - the condo that we bought here for $242k 1200 sq. ft.(Alexandria, Fairfax County -- Engleside area -- read: not posh) is more than what my parents in Akron paid for their 4 bdr, 2.5 bath McMansion.

Something I've been wondering: why do we look to high-achievers to model work/life balance once kids come along? (Reference: any alarmist media piece on high achieving women dropping out to become SAHM, one example Lisa Belkin's NYT magizine "Opt Out Revolution" cover story). I would argue that high achievers are *precisely* those women/people who are the *most* imbalanced - ie they achieve a lot because they are working all the time! Why should we look to them to model balance once kids are in the picture? Seems like no surprise to me that instead many of them flip whole hog into full-time parenting, after all, it's what they know.

Perhaps it's those of us low-acheivers who are muddling along trying to get a nice work-life balance before childbirth who are the better role models for balance after kids come along. ;)

I don't know. I live Rockville, and find 150K to be plenty to live on. No, we aren't filthy rich, but we aren't poor either. Not by a longshot. But then again, I don't pay daycare anymore, and student loans are paid off, and mortgage is smallish. So maybe I am just living in a bubble.

OOOOOh, Unreal, did I touch a nerve? Spawn is a perfectly legitimate word to use for 'offspring.' The Washington Compost fashion Nazi often uses it, as well as the celebrity reporters. Perhaps you'd prefer 'fruit of your loins?' Or 'OOOOPS?'

BTW, CBC is very happy with her life. Ever hear the word 'schadenfreude?' If you people are so miserable trying to figure out work/life balance, why didn't you think about that before you produced the little rug rats?

I am in a job situation now very similar to the one Stephanie described. I consider myself very lucky. It's a professional position that pays a decent salary by DC standards but I describe it to myself as my "mommy track" job. Why? Because I don't have to work evenings and weekends, like many of my friends. So, the guest blog submission that Stephanie criticizes is still accurate and true, at least for DC working moms in competitive fields. Stephanie moved away from DC to achieve her balance. Not many people can do this. Some careers only exist in DC. Let's all try to make the work place more flexible. If telework and working from home become more of a norm in DC, we will all benefit. And if my husband and I could fund college education, mortgage, retirement, and normal lifestyle on one income, one of us would quit in a second to be with the kids when they get home from school.

I am a workng mom, my mom worked, loved her work, and was a great mom, my dad worked, loved to work, and was a great dad, I grew up assuming I would work and never (for me) considered otherwise, it wasnt until I started reading this blog that I even knew I was supposed to feel guilty (sorry, no guilt) or that I was supposed to justify my choices (no one has ever questioned my choices.) My kids are happy and great, they loved daycare, now they love school, they have a happy and involved dad, mom and extended family. I dont even join in this debate usually, as I find the idea that I would even have to explain my life choices bizarre. My best friend is a SAHM (for now) and I've never questioned that.

"I don't understand how people can possibly think that giving up a paid job means the end of any brain activity beyond the level of a 4 year old..."

Because this is what we hear from SAHMs. All the defensiveness about political and philosophical discussions that I've read on this board today represents a small minority of the experiences SAHPs tell me about. I hear about the neverending cleaning. I hear about the 19th watching of the Wiggles. I hear about how my friend has to take her 2-year-old into the bathroom with her when she can't hold it another minute, so that he doesn't poke the baby's eyes while she's peeing. I don't hear about the discovery of a dialectical contradiction between Kantian and Kierkegaardian readings of Aristotle.

MomOf4, I like to think...

I'm a better employee, a more productive worker.., blah, blah blah...

because I spend time blogging on the job.

Works for me!

I am a workng mom, my mom worked, loved her work, and was a great mom, my dad worked, loved to work, and was a great dad, I grew up assuming I would work and never (for me) considered otherwise, it wasnt until I started reading this blog that I even knew I was supposed to feel guilty (sorry, no guilt) or that I was supposed to justify my choices (no one has ever questioned my choices.) My kids are happy and great, they loved daycare, now they love school, they have a happy and involved dad, mom and extended family. I dont even join in this debate usually, as I find the idea that I would even have to explain my life choices bizarre. My best friend is a SAHM (for now) and I've never questioned that.

am a workng mom, my mom worked, loved her work, and was a great mom, my dad worked, loved to work, and was a great dad, I grew up assuming I would work and never (for me) considered otherwise, it wasnt until I started reading this blog that I even knew I was supposed to feel guilty (sorry, no guilt) or that I was supposed to justify my choices (no one has ever questioned my choices.) My kids are happy and great, they loved daycare, now they love school, they have a happy and involved dad, mom and extended family. I dont even join in this debate usually, as I find the idea that I would even have to explain my life choices bizarre. My best friend is a SAHM (for now) and I've never questioned that.

Thank you for this! I am a new mo