Marriage Contracts

By Rebeldad Brian Reid

I finally got around to reading Alix Kates Shulman's infamous "marriage contract." The document is nearly 40 years old, but the brief contract -- which declares that household roles are to be divided right down the middle, regardless of who is the chief wage-earner -- has continuing resonance. It was initially republished in all sorts of places, from Ms. to Life, and it was highlighted most recently -- in less-than-flattering terms -- in neo-traditionalist Caitlin Flanagan's 12,000-word Atlantic Monthly "Nanny Wars" screed a couple of years ago.

Reading through the contract is eye-opening, and it's easy to understand why the piece has drawn the ire of so many over the years. There are few things less romantic, less in concert with the values of marriage, than spelling out each and every home responsibility in faux legalese. On that basis, it's easy to see why a "marriage contract" fad never got off the ground.

But the underlying philosophy behind it -- the idea that paid work is no more valuable in a marriage than unpaid work; that husbands and wives share equal responsibility for the family, regardless of who brings home the bacon; that everyone needs their own personal time -- still sounds fresh, even revolutionary.

I've read that people in "traditional" marriages with a male breadwinner and an at-home mom are often happier than those in more egalitarian relationships. But that difference has less to do with any intrinsic advantage stemming from a traditionalist arrangement and more to do with the clarity of expectations. Shulman's contract offers one way to get everything on the table for those relationships that begin without any pre-set notions about who should do what.

Of course, there are better ways to communicate expectations and roles in a marriage than to call in the lawyers. Talking through it is a good start, and keeping those lines of communication open never hurts. But -- as always -- I'm open to suggestions. How do those of you who have bravely left the stereotypical gender roles behind figure out on a week to week basis how stuff gets done?

Brian Reid writes about parenting and work-family balance. You can read his blog at rebeldad.com.

By Brian Reid |  January 4, 2007; 8:00 AM ET  | Category:  Division of Labor
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