Great topic. This is something I grapple with all the time. When we moved from the DC area to London, we lost our great network of friends and family that helped us out when emergencies struck. Because of this, we decided to go with a nanny over here (which I know is a great luxury and we are very fortunate to be able to afford one). Though most days, my DH is home by 5 (I take morning duty), those 1-2 days a week where DH is traveling or works late make daycare almost an impossibility in our family. Personally, I don't know how other working families do it.

What does someone do if you don't have family nearby nor a network of friends to help out (I have friends but I would never ever ask them to watch my children). I have a live in nanny for that reason. If I have to, I'd have to take off from work--either myself or my husband. It's tough

third!

Great topic - definately something that I have had to deal a lot with lately between DC schools closing and a child sick a lot due to her first year in pre-school... have not figured it out yet, but do know that my boss is getting very frustrated at me, and I will not be taking vacation this year due to taking so much time off. ALso, being a single parent I do not have the hubby/boyfriend to share duties with.

If there is a silver bullet answer to this please let me know!!

My son is disabled, so we are a bit more limited than others in available options. My husband and I take turns using leave from work, which has so far worked okay but is not a long-term solution. In the past we have also hired college students for short-term fill in, which works really well if you live near a campus.

(I have friends but I would never ever ask them to watch my children)

So what are friends for? You may want to think about making new ones. Of course, if you have enough money to buy all your childcare resources, you'll never, ever need true friends. You know the ones I'm talking about, those special persons who will drop everything to help you out in a pinch because they know you will do it for them.

"What does someone do if you don't have family nearby nor a network of friends to help out (I have friends but I would never ever ask them to watch my children). "

I wouldn't ask my family or friends to watch my children. They have lives and jobs that don't come to halt just because I decided to give birth.

I am with father of 4. You should be able to call on true friends in times of need.

However, I feel your pain with not having family around. The best place to find after school babysitters is day care. They are already checked out and are usually willing to earn some extra cash. Ask around since your child has a nanny and find out who other people use. If your friends don't have kids check out the centers around you.

Fo4 - many of our friends are like us. Both parents work, hectic lives. We have no family in the area, but rarely impose on our friends to care for our children. Not because they're not good or "true" friends, but quite the opposite - because they are good and true friends who we respect and don't want to impose upon. There can be 5 or 7 snowdays in a winter, summer is 3 months long, school breaks are a week at a time. These are predictable times when childcare is needed. As parents, WE have a responsibility to work out an equitable childcare solution. If that involves a childcare swap with a friend, excellent. In our case, it involves day care, occasionally bringing grandparents in from out of town, and carefully managing our PTO for scheduling issues. In a truly unexpected pinch or emergency, of course I'd call on a friend, and would help if called upon. Not so for things like school breaks and after school.

Father of 4

"So what are friends for? You may want to think about making new ones"

1. My friends and family are not my employees.
2. None of my friends or family have "child proof" homes or have pets that are kid friendly.
3. They would help out in a real emergency, but I prefer to make another arrangements.

I don't need to make new friends, but you obviously do since you have highjacked this blog for posters to become your cyber buddies.

To anon at 8 a.m. : No, other people's lives don't come to a halt because you decided to have kids, but my goodness, people do sometimes get enjoyment out of helping one another out! My brother and I often exchange babysitting services when one of us is in a pinch, and a friend and neighbor watched our son for a couple hours while we went out to a movie for V-day. This friend and neighbor doesn't have kids, but we try to pay her back in other ways, like keeping an eye on her house and cat while she's out of town, offering rides when she needs them, etc. I think having friends and family around who offer to help and seem to really want to is a great resource when you're in a child care bind. And CERTAINLY you shouldn't take advantage of it or never offer favors in return, but if people offer help, take it! This applies whether you have kids or not, by the way. Ever have your car not start? Need a ride to the airport? Have a pet that needed sitting? My goodness, I hope we don't live in a society where friends and family never want to help each other out!

Today's is indeed an excellent topic.

londonmom wrote: "When we moved... we lost our great network of friends and family that helped us out when emergencies struck."

This topic particularly resonates for the DC area because, due to the nature of a good deal of government employment (especially in the partisan and military realms), the region has a disproportionate number of what could be termed affluent transients who live there for only a few years in order to enhance professional advancement.

Although it's an increasing problem everywhere, I suspect the DC area has a higher percentage than most of families without other relatives nearby. Even back when we lived there we found that, upon meeting someone, it was usually safe to open a conversation with, "Where are you originally from?," because nearly everyone was from somewhere else.

Little wonder, then, that it's all the harder for Washingtonians to develop the kind of essential friendships with what Fof4 terms "those special persons who will drop everything to help you out in a pinch because they know you will do it for them."

One solution is a deliberate effort to develop networks of parents, friends, neighbors, fellow-parishioners (for the religiously observant), etc., upon whom one can depend. But this takes time -- first to find likely candidates, then to determine whether you can develop the necessary level of mutual trust -- and more than ever, people aren't living in the same place long enough for this to happen anymore (also a problem with babysitters and nannies who move on).

Please, wouldn't you help a friend if she called and said her dog got hit by a car and had to go to the vet, but she had to be at work?(this happened to me) Or her mother is really sick and needs to go to the doctor or something? Friends do more things for each other than just babysit. I don't think that father of 4 meant that they should watch your kids all the time, but if you have an emergency and need help, you should be able to call on your friends.

As far as cyber buddies go, just don't read those posts. It's that simple!

Wife's Plan B:

1) Panic
2) Try to get me to Panic
3) Become edgy and hard to deal with
4) Poke holes in my suggestions
5) Begrudgingly act on one of my suggestions
6) Bitterly work with me to execute one of my suggestions
7) Complain

I hate plan B. The last few days have been awful.

It is Friday, when are we going to talk about clothes and sex?

We try not to rope friends in if we don't have to. Right now, DD (age 3) goes to day care. The only problem we have is when DH is on business trip. I have to drop her off an hour earlier due to my early commute. I pay the day care staff extra to open early and let my kid essentially sleep there. She is semi awake at 5:45 am and she drinks some milk and promptly falls back a sleep. I found that they were always excited to earn a little extra cash that it was no trouble to get them to do it. That will be our day care situation till kindergarten. After that I plan to sign her up for the SACC program. I think if DH goes on a business trip, I will have to miss some time at work and bring her in as the before care opens. We trade off sick days when we are both here. Summers will be filled with summer camps/SACC and our one week annual vacation. I generally take Christmas week off, so that is not a problem. I will probably pay for spring break at SACC. Snow days will have to be split or if my old day care is willing to take her for the day, we will bring her there. Not sure about that arrangement because the owner would like to retire in 2 years but she is hoping to sell the business to a friend. To be honest, we tip the day care staff well at Christmas, teacher's appreciation day, and send in small gifts through out the year for a number of reasons. 1) because we are grateful for their loving care 2)they are under paid anyway 3) because by us being good customers/clients, they are willing to go the extra mile for our kid. For example, if DD's preschool calls and says she is sick, please come get her. The day care sends one of their staff to pick her up at school and has her wait at daycare for me to get to her. Where the school expects you to get their in a nano second to come get your sick kid. If the school bus doesn't show up, which happens from time to time, the day care will drive her to preschool. They have been so hopeful in letting us occassional use them for early openings while DH is traveling. We will definitely run into more problems with SACC because it is a more formal program. Hopefully with the combination of SACC and old daycare, we should do fine. My other thought is try to find a SAHM that wouldn't mind making an extra buck now and then. Like I would pay her to take my DD early to school when DH is traveling or a snow day. How much do you think we should offer for a full snow day coverage? An hour in the morning? This is all speculative because DD is not at that age yet. But I still keep the options in the back of my mind. I use friends if it is a dire emergency. Broken down car, hospital emergency etc... Not a random snow day or god forbid for summer care.

I was lucky enough to had jobs that afforded me the opportunity to telework or work from home when my daughter was sick and I worked hours that I would allow me to arrive home from work at the same time she arrived home from school, so we would end up doing things together.

As for the summer, a good daycare program was what I chose to do.

I know this is a very rare case, but I have to thank God that I was very lucky all these years.

The anonymous poster at 8:16 might want to try to find ways to relax his/her attitude a little ("I prefer to make another arrangements") and become a bit less demanding ("None of my friends or family have 'child proof' homes or have pets that are kid friendly"). What, do your friends and family leave weapons lying around, or let pet wild animals run loose in their houses? A courteous friend will lock up the guns and knives, and tie up the rambunctious dog or shut the scratching-prone cat in a room for a few hours when your child goes to their house. (Aside: when DH was a child, his step-grandmother really did keep wild animals in her house, including an ocelot in the bathroom who literally scared DH s***less daily when he had to live there for several months after his dad died and his mom was badly injured in an auto accident)

Writing mommy ("My goodness, I hope we don't live in a society where friends and family never want to help each other out!" and Scarry ("if you have an emergency and need help, you should be able to call on your friends") have really hit the nail on the head!!!

P.S. Perhaps 8:16's attitude is born out of a reluctance to help out others in a pinch?

I don't need to make new friends, but you obviously do since you have highjacked this blog for posters to become your cyber buddies.

Hey, I know it is cold outside, but do you need to be so cold?

I don't ask my childfree friends to watch my kids. But almost every week I ask another mom or dad to help out with my kids. And I do the same for them. It is a great barter system and I highly recommend it.

It took me a long time to trust other parents with my kids, though. At least until my oldest was five. It was hard to let go and trust. I still have a hard time when driving is involved. I am amazed at the number of adults who think carseats and seatbelts are optional for young children.

Also, the local college student network is a great suggestion. Our son plays a lot of local basketball, so we have a good network of assistant coaches (many who are in high school). We've got no family in the area so these alternative networks are essential!

Our oldest is almost 10 so it's only a few years until he can watch the younger kids. That will be a new kind of freedom.

to foamgnome

What is SACC?

So people see how friends play a role in their lives differently. Some people see a friend as someone who can watch their kids if needed. Others see a friend as someone they wouldn't want to ask to watch their kids. Not a problem, not worth arguing over.

At what age are people willing to leave their kids alone after/before school?

"Juggling three kids means I need a lot of Plan Bs. And this aspect of "balance" is one reason I don't have a fourth child."

Same reason I have just the one kid.

When my children were young, a few other moms and I set up a *cooperative* - each of us took turns watching the children on snow days, teacher work days, etc. That helped a lot. I also only accepted jobs with a short commute and a lot of flexibility, that often paid less but made life more manageable...

My sister is lucky enough to home school her kids so she doesn't have to deal. I home school my daughter now too, so it has become much easier to handle this situation. If you can, home school. The schools in this country are getting worse and worse by the day so do your kids a favor and get them a real education. Get them out of public schools and if you can, home school them.

Leslie's right about it taking time to establish trust.

Another option can be a retired neighbor, especially for after-school care (or running up to school if the child takes ill during the day or there's an early closure) -- especially if they've had lots of practice tending their own children/grandchildren. Plus, some retirees can really use the extra income.

"Hey, I know it is cold outside, but do you need to be so cold?"

Wow, that sounds lame. Quit telling people what to write (and FO4 did come off rude in his post)

Mike C, you are suggesting that we solve the question of how to care for your children when there is no school by taking them out of school altogether?

Homeschooling does not solve the gapcare problem.

Don't only think what is only convenient to you. This what this kids will enjoy. Asking a retired person to fill in once in a while is going to drive your kids nuts. I am not knocking retired people or their age, but a young child and a person of retired age don't mix to well unless it's someone they know well.

Hey, I know it is cold outside, but do you need to be so cold?"

Wow, that sounds lame. Quit telling people what to write (and FO4 did come off rude in his post)

follow your own advice

"Homeschooling does not solve the gapcare problem."

Sure it does. It eliminates it.

Good topic- how on Earth do people do it with multiple children?? I only have 1 and this being her first time in a daycare setting, she has been getting sick a lot.
We have no family in the area and most of my friends are childfree (so actually have to work on snow days and I can't call them and ask them to take a day off when my child is sick! That's a silly thing to ever consider)

And my SAHM friends can't look after my sick child because then HER kids would get sick. And that's just rude to even ask in that situation.

I ended up calling a nanny agency that does emergency care/temporary care. We can't even begin to afford a regular nanny, nor do I even want a nanny. We pay $15/hr to the babysitter, plus a $25 fee to the agency for each day, plus a $200 year "membership" to the agency. We've only used it once so far, but it worked out well.

This is one of the many reasons I chose to have 1 child. I can't imagine trying to juggle sick days w/ 2 kids! I only get 6 sick days/year.

I can't wait until she gets older and doesn't get sick often!

My parenting philosophy- I'd like to tell me boss to shove it, personally. It's my little girl- if she has an ear infection and a 103 degree fever, I'm going to take her to the dr and cuddle with her the rest of the day- we're not curing the common cold- my daughter is just more important.
If my child had a chronic problem, then I obviously wouldn't have her in daycare! But she's a healthy child (who still gets sick 50% less than her peers, so I don't know what those parents do!)

Bottom line is my child is more important. She just is. If my boss has a problem with that, then so be it- that's really his problem for being so cold.

Mike C, if you have someone available to homeschool, then you do not have a gapcare problem.

Not to be snarky, but didn't you cover, #3 last month?

(See "The Kindness of of Other Moms, January 5th.)

I used to enjoy reading this blog, but not anymore. Childcare is a worthy topic, but between the above mentioned discussion and the recent FMLA discussions, it feels a bit overdone of late.

Many people in recent weeks have brought up some great alternative topics that would make for an engaging online conversation.

Please respond to what some of the other people on this board would like to see you discuss!

Harry wrote "I am not knocking retired people or their age."

Yet the rest of your post nullifies your disclaimer.

Lots of kids enjoy attention from grandparent-surrogates, who often have more time and are less frazzled ;-) Obviously not just any retiree will do, but ones who are interested are often real gems. And it's valuable for children to get to know people of all ages, not just contemporaries of themselves and their parents.

"Mike C, if you have someone available to homeschool, then you do not have a gapcare problem."

THAT'S MY POINT

Our oldest is almost 10 so it's only a few years until he can watch the younger kids. That will be a new kind of freedom.

Posted by: Leslie | February 16, 2007 08:50 AM

Leslie- I'd watch out how much you let your older child take care of the others. I had to watch my younger brother from age 11/12 (6th grade) and on. I'd have to go get him from the bus stop, make sure he didn't get in trouble, eat too much junk food, didn't get injured. And it was NOT fun. I ended up becoming a "mom" to him which was not good for any of us. When I got my license I had to run out of my music lessons to go pick him up from baseball.

It's fine to use siblings once in awhile, but please don't do that your your oldest all the time! YOU and your husband are the parents and chose to have 3 kids- your oldest didn't. While he should help out- it should not be the primary arrangement!

Our school-age child is in before/aftercare at school. Unfortunately, if school is closed so is that. And there are many times school is closed for teacher workdays etc. My parents live about an hour away so while it wouldn't be practical for them to help out on a daily basis, they are very helpful for the scheduled days. They have her spend the night before a scheduled day off. Since spring break is over a week long, there will probably be a combination of her spending a few days with her grandparents and my husband and I taking a couple of days off. For the summer, I already have her registered for daycamps to cover the entire summer. We will go on vacation at some point so we'll withdraw her from whichever camp she's registered for at that time and just take the loss of the registration fee. Vacation time will be based on when our other kids' daycare is closed for two weeks. For snow days, we've arranged for our older daughter to go to daycare with the younger kids if necessary. We rarely go anywhere where we'd need a babysitter. We use the grandparents on rare occasions. I did just meet a girl at church who babysits so that may happen at some point. We have rarely used friends and my brother and sister-in-law though it has happened a few times when extremely necessary. But it is a reciprocal thing. We've also done occasional babysitting, catsitting or other favors.

How is a single parent supposed to home-school? What does s/he do for income? Not many can work from home FT.

catlady,

You must be crazy. Go ask a kid if he/she wants to hang with an old person. If the kid knows the person, sure, but if not you will get a loud no.

I also hated giving up my summers and after school activities to watch my little brother every day. I resented him and my parents for years. They couldn't afford anyone else, though.

Fortunately we have family in the area and flexible work schedules - so our kids are either with us or a grandparent. Both of my brothers live in the area too but we have rarely used them for babysitting and never for childcare while we are at work. They have their own obligations.

We also have a couple neighbors and friends we can call in a pinch but I am reluctant to overuse them. Our "neighborhood mother" moved last year and she was my fallback - I miss her terribly! Not just because she watched my kids but because she was a kind person and always looking out for others.

We are lucky so I have no complaints. We stayed in this area mainly because of family and it has paid off - we rely on them and try to "pay it back" with whatever help they need - isn't that what families are for?

"Get them out of public schools and if you can, home school them."

Sounds good, but I don't have any qualifications to be a teacher. I have neither the time nor the interest to return to school to become qualified to be a teacher.

In other words, if I had the interest and the aptitude to be a teacher, I probably would be one now.

I did send my kids to private schools.

One of Leslie's suggestions is: * Keep a long list of alternate babysitters who are available on short notice

Sounds great, but where does that "long list" come from? and available on short notice? Ha! All of the families I know have 1 - 3 sitters who are available with a couple of weeks notice, most (but not all) of the time. No one I know has a "long" list of sitters and none of the sitters are available on short notice. We've used Craigs List before to identify good sitters, but those folks have lives as well and their lives change. Does anyone other than Leslie have 6 or more sitter options, and are any of those folks available on short notice?

Harry wrote:

Don't only think what is only convenient to you. This what this kids will enjoy. . . . I am not knocking retired people or their age, but a young child and a person of retired age don't mix to well unless it's someone they know well.

Posted by: Harry | February 16, 2007 09:07 AM

When we are in a work-related, childcare bind, what the kids will enjoy is not on our list of concerns. We need to pay the mortgage. That's why we work. If we need to arrange for less than fun emergency care coverage, the kids need to do their parts by dealing with it. In our house, emergency care is not subject to the same "what do the kids like" criteria as permanent school/childcare. If it's safe and solves the problem, problem solved.

Random Guy hit the nail on the head above about the marital stress involved with emergency care. The best thing for our kids is keeping this kind of stress from impacting our marriage relationship.

the posters saying they'd never call friends and family sound to me as though they've never really been in a childcare bind -- one where all the paid options are unavailable. I'm not going to tell a client (nor will my husband tell his boss) that I can't be available for a 2:30 call unless I've exhausted all available options, and friends would be at the bottom of the all available options list.

Posted by: | February 16, 2007 09:20 AM,

How is a single parent supposed to home-school? What does s/he do for income? Not many can work from home FT.

I was a single parent for 15 years and I was able to home school and work away from home.

If you want something bad enough, you CAN make it happen.

Sorry, SACC is the school aged child care program run in Fairfax county. It offers for a sliding fee, before and after school care, care for early dissimal, spring and winter break, a full 7 week summer camp, and care for teacher work days. It is very reasonably priced compared to our current day care costs. You must be a fairfax student to enroll. It is a great option for working parents. But the highest fee starts at hhld incomes of 50K. So virtually almost everyone that in my neighborhood would pay the highest cost. But even with that it is about $381 for a 1-5 grader during the school year. Kindergarteners pay more because they are only enrolled half day. Right now DD goes to preschool half days. And goes to day care in the after noon. I pay $1300/month for her half a day at day care.

I was going to move out of DC and back home for these kinds of things- especially when it's happening and seems a lot more upsetting than it actually is! By the next week no one remembers that your kid was sick and you had to leave early.

I had to choose career choices and long term stability over having family around to pick up a snow or sick day throughout the year. Family (well, just my mom) is only 2 hrs away- the other grandparents are scattered in a 90 minute radius from there, so in a scheduled day off in which work is still open, we could easily drop her off to spend the night every once in awhile. But it's not worth moving "home" for.

I also hated giving up my summers and after school activities to watch my little brother every day. I resented him and my parents for years. They couldn't afford anyone else, though.

Posted by: | February 16, 2007 09:20 AM,

How is a single parent supposed to home-school? What does s/he do for income? Not many can work from home FT.

I was a single parent for 15 years and I was able to home school and work away from home.

If you want something bad enough, you CAN make it happen.

I also hated giving up my summers and after school activities to watch my little brother every day. I resented him and my parents for years. They couldn't afford anyone else, though.

Posted by: | February 16, 2007 09:20 AM,

How is a single parent supposed to home-school? What does s/he do for income? Not many can work from home FT.

I was a single parent for 15 years and I was able to home school and work away from home.

If you want something bad enough, you CAN make it happen.

I tried to post this but it did not go through. SACC is the school aged child care program run through the Fairfax county schools. It serves as before and after school care, spring and winter break, a 7 week summer camp, teacher work days, early dissimal and half day kindergarten care. It is very reasonably priced. It is based on a sliding scale. For families of hhld incomes over 50K/year, you pay the full price. During the school year for grades 1-5, it is $381 approximately and more for summer sessions and spring/winter break sessions. Kindergarteners pay an extra $262 a month. I think they are open from 7-6 M-F. They are not open for snow days. And the obviously don't take sick children. You must be a Fairfax school aged child.

I was going to move out of DC and back home for these kinds of things- especially when it's happening and seems a lot more upsetting than it actually is! By the next week no one remembers that your kid was sick and you had to leave early.

I had to choose career choices and long term stability over having family around to pick up a snow or sick day throughout the year. Family (well, just my mom) is only 2 hrs away- the other grandparents are scattered in a 90 minute radius from there, so in a scheduled day off in which work is still open, we could easily drop her off to spend the night every once in awhile. But it's not worth moving "home" for.

Learn from the astronaut method of childcare. Stick them in diapers and chain them to something. Tell them it is astronaut training. All kids want to be astronauts... right? ;)

Why, thank you! I wear your calling me crazy as a badge of honor.

If a child doesn't generally like "old" people, s/he must be learning that attitude somewhere -- maybe from the parents? Examine your own attitudes, and whether you're conveying this message to your child, be it overtly or subtly. You may need to change how you handle the subject.

Not that all old people are perfect, of course. But plenty are terrific folks who still remember what it's like to be young. And they can bring a desirable added dimension to a child's life.

DH and I have usually tried to get orthogonal schedules at work --- putting our regular recurring commitments, of lectures and office hours, on different days, or at least clearly separated as morning/afternoon. When that works it's optimal: on kid-sick days, no-school-or-aftercare days, or when the kids were younger, sitter emergency days, whoever didn't teach that day would stay home with the kids, without having to cancel anything major. Semesters that we both taught the same days, but with a morning/afternoon split were a pain because we'd have to load sick kid into the minivan (hah! I missed that minivan bashing late yesterday), and drive them 10 minutes in to work to do a parent-swap (sometimes because our teaching schedules would be as little as 15 minutes separated, so it was important for the parents to pass off that relay fast).

This semester we're on separate campuses and were unable to get orthogonal schedules, so sick days have been trickier. On problem days (so far the only days they've gotten sick), they go in with whoever has the lighter morning schedule, and parent-on-duty sets them up in their office with a mat and blanket, the travel DVD player, DS lite, book, office whiteboard and markers, etc. Kids have learned where the bathrooms and water fountains are. They stay in our (private) office while we work (with some kid-interruptions) and while we go out and lecture (this works great with the 9yo, a little dicey with the 7yo, but we're all getting used to it). They know where we're lecturing in case of a major issue. (And we don't have secretaries; they bother nobody; in fact, the friendly people we walk by on campus generally wave and smile at them.) Then we typically do a parent switchoff, sometimes at home. Obviously if they were desparately ill to the point of throwing up, etc, one of us would just have to cancel a class and stay home with them, we wouldn't haul them into our office.)

Our aftercare does tend to schedule (for an extra fee) coverage for the teacher workdays, halfdays, spring break, etc. Usually for everything but holidays, if there's enough parent demand. And they usually have fun field trips on those days --- to a dairy, an aquarium,etc. For example, my kids are probably en route to bowling as I write. But Monday, there's no care, we're on our own with both of them! . . . and 4 lectures between us . . . .

Before the youngest started regular school they shared a sitter with even younger, almost fulltime-care boys down the street, afterschool for our oldest and and after morning preschool for our youngest. This sharing works great because even though you need fewer regular hours you still have an automatic backup for the no-school and sick days, they just spend all day with the shared sitter. (We started as the only family for this sitter, then added the younger boys' family then passed the baton to them as primary family, with us as the older/less-hours family; they're now just about ready to pass the baton to the younger family that joined them after our girls left for formal school and aftercare. I think the only thing giving them pause is exactly this issue, of getting decent coverage for school holidays, teacher workdays, sick days, etc). We joke that our sitter who's now doing a random walk through families in our neighborhood will never find her way off our street again!

"I don't need to make new friends, but you obviously do since you have highjacked this blog for posters to become your cyber buddies."

Don't trolls EVER get a life?

"Hey, I know it is cold outside, but do you need to be so cold?"

Wow, that sounds lame. Quit telling people what to write (and FO4 did come off rude in his post)

Honky,

Just for you, I will never post on this blog again!

I was a single parent for 15 years and I was able to home school and work away from home.

If you want something bad enough, you CAN make it happen.

Posted by: Mike C | February 16, 2007 09:36 AM

Mike C - Wanting something badly doesn't make anything happen in this universe. Actions make something happen. If you want to tell us precisely the choices you made that enabled you to be a single parent and homeschool, we'd like the benefit of learning from your experience. Otherwise, you're essentially standing on the other side of the neighbor's fence lobbing snowballs into my yard.

Hey, this topic IS one of the ones suggested last week!!!!!

Compiling a long list of babysitters does take time -- years, in fact. And obviously some move away, graduate from college, etc so you constantly have to refresh it. The trouble finding babysitters is one of the many reasons I refuse to move as often as we used to. Takes too long to build up a new network.

Homeschooling as a solution to the afterschool/summer gap? Are you kidding? Homeschooling is great for certain people and certain kids, but it is no cure-all. Working parents can homeschool, but they need to hire teachers. A single working parent would have a very rough time homeschooling unless he/she had a flexible schedule and other homeschooling parents to share resources with.

"I was a single parent for 15 years and I was able to home school and work away from home."

Mike C, can you tell us more about how you managed this? I'm curious.

We're lucky to have family in this area, and to have had fantastic friends where we lived before that I always knew I could call on if need be. And we are developing friends like that here too - even the retired couple next to us has offered to help. I think they would be last-ditch emergency backup, as I'm not sure how well they would handle our rambunctious son, but I'm touched that they would offer. I've found that learning to let go of the need to be perfectly self-sufficient, to be willing to both rely on our friends and neighbors and be there to help them, has really enriched our lives.

I'm curious as to how a single parent "working" from home could possibly homeschool a child. Last time I checked, being a teacher was a full-time job (preparing lesson plans, teaching, assisting children after-school with extra tutoring). I'm not trying to be snarky, but how could one possibly do both?

I'm not knocking homeschooling - I think it is a good solution for some children. But my understanding when people say "homeschool" is that the parent is teaching the child. So how can they do both work and teach?

It's fine to use siblings once in awhile, but please don't do that your your oldest all the time! YOU and your husband are the parents and chose to have 3 kids- your oldest didn't. While he should help out- it should not be the primary arrangement!

Posted by: | February 16, 2007 09:19 AM

I agree that it should not be the primary arrangement for long periods of time, but that raising responsible kids starts with expecting them to pitch in with whatever the family need is. If Dad needs to run an errand and it's not appropriate to take the youngest child along, say, he needs to go assist a buddy whose car has broken down, then asking our 13 year old to be responsible for his younger sister for a couple of hours max until a parent gets home is the best family solution to the problem. I'd say that older kids are not asked to be responsible often enough any more and it shows in their collective immaturity.

An awareness of how draining childcare can be is the best form of birth control for teenagers.

This is a great topic. My husband and I are about to venture into this arena and it's going to be a wild ride. We live in Raleigh, NC, and schools down here are almost all going to be year round (9 weeks on/3 weeks off) starting in June. I haven't a clue what we'll do, but I'll be I'm going to get some great ideas from this blog.

Chris, funny!

This issue is one of the main reasons I am still at home after 19 years.

children and older people can mix wonderfully, and it's a great gift for children to appreciate the time. in my experience, both as a child and watching my own child, older people really focus on talking to you and they often have stories that fascinate young kids -- growing up on farms or similar things that sounds "exotic" to suburban kids. of course, if your child runs around nonstop like a maniac, then you probably can't mix him with other adults well regardless of age.

It's fine to expect older kids to pitch in occassionally, but parents can and do go overboard with the free babysitting. I had to babysit younger brother every day after school (no after school activities) and during summers. I did resent him and parents for a long time. Now of course i realize they couldn't afford other options, but I think that really means they couldn't afford the youngest kid (much as I love him).

Many times I was reprimanded for reminding my parents that _I_ didn't have him, they did.

Does ANYONE else NOT live in this "friendly retired neighbors/lovely stay at home mom available in a pinch/friends who'd drop anything to watch your sick kid" World???

We live in the city (to cut down commute times so we can have a family life) in a condo- all of our neighbors are young married professionals. There are a few very old people (you know, can barely walk) and that's it. We obviously have neighborhood friends, but all are 2 parent working families in the same situation or SAHMs with 2 or 3 kids that don't offer to watch a sick kid for you (since their kids will get sick)

Maybe I should pull my daughter from the city and her exclusive private preschool where the parents are all lawyers? trek to the burbs? Are the nice people out there? Or is it filled with the Valentine's cookie bakers who make me want to leap from a tall building?

This issue is one of the main reasons I am still at home after 19 years.

Experienced Mom, Do you bail out WOHMs in an emergency? If so, how often, how do they reciprocate, & do you ever feel taken advantage of?

An option for folks on a traditional schedule who have to deal with those long summers is a summer au pair. Keep in mind that these people are not trained nannies, just older teens or young 20s who want to see a bit of America and are pretty good with kids. I think it would probably work best with kids who are a bit older, maybe later elementary/middle school. Just a thought.

KB-
My husband and I did what you are doing (arranging teaching schedules, swapping...) for years. It worked for us. I look back and remember those years fondly. We each worked full time, which meant we worked all the time, but it was worth it because we each had private time with our children. So during those tough times, remember the fun ones. The years go by so quickly.
Also, why the knock on public schools? Our public schools are quite good. Our taxes are high, but I feel we get what we pay for in many ways. All is not perfect, but no solution is perfect, including home schooling.
I second the idea of college and high school students (assuming high school gets out earlier than elementary, here they get out later, so it means college students). I know many families who have compiled lists over the years. They get to know these students very well. Some students do more than one family at one house when parents are okay with it...usually when the kids are best buds and stuff.

I'm curious as to how a single parent "working" from home could possibly homeschool a child. Last time I checked, being a teacher was a full-time job (preparing lesson plans, teaching, assisting children after-school with extra tutoring). I'm not trying to be snarky, but how could one possibly do both?

I'm not knocking homeschooling - I think it is a good solution for some children. But my understanding when people say "homeschool" is that the parent is teaching the child. So how can they do both work and teach?

Posted by: londonmom | February 16, 2007 10:28 AM

londonmom, in the same way that a teacher in a public school doesn't work with any particular child for 6.5 hours, a parent homeschooling follows a curriculum that includes a certain amount of time in which the child works on a project, or reads, or completes a worksheet, on his or her own. at the older grades, the child is 70% self-directed and 30% adult-guided, still consistent with an approved curriculum. I assume that you know that assisting a child after-school with extra tutoring is unnecessary with a home-schooled curriculum.

Re: having older children watch younger children
One of the best things my parents did was to pay me for watching my younger sister. They paid a fairly average babysitting wage, not as high as some of the other parents that I babysat for, since I was in the comfort of my own home, but still a decent amount. It was also understood that this only applied if I was in charge for at least a couple of hours. I was still expected to watch her for free if my mom needed to make a quick trip to the store or something. This was not a daily arrangement, but it happened fairly often. It really worked well for everyone. I never resented having to watch my sister, because I was paid for it. My parents got a babysitter who they knew was responsible and my sister got someone that she knew. My parents made it clear to both of us that I was in charge but they also made it clear that since they were paying me they expected us to do more than watch tv the entire time. They were also understanding if I had other plans and couldn't watch her- since they were going to pay me, it wasn't much more of a burden to pay someone else.

There are a few very old people (you know, can barely walk).

Heaven forbid your little angel should be contaminated by someone whose not perfect.

The term is 'pinch-hit' not pitch-hit.

As we have 4 children, we handled it in a traditional way. After the birth of No. 1, Fredia stayed home fulltime, she was burnt out on teaching anyway. As No. 2 & 3 came along, she continued in this mode and also would sit for single parents and parents with emergencies. The house was always full of kids back then! She started working partime in her current position after No. 3 went to school (With a homeschooling detour along the way) When No. 4 arrived, she was able to take him along as her live model for her job. Fredia has had this PT job for many years. She is more or less able to set her own hours and within 5 minutes of home and school.

Fredia has been working more hours recently but my employer has revised schedules to accommodate people's needs. (We are off every other Friday) and my immediate boss is much more open to telecommuting.

So, what has happened for us over the past 25 yrs or so is:

1) A greater recognition by our respective employers to provide a work/life balance

2)Freida and my decision to embrace our children as her FT job for many years.

3) My very long daily commute to compensate for the loss of Fredia's earned income in order to afford housing. Also, by living so far from the city I work in, we are able to use public schooling rather than having to send our children to private school. (You should have seen some of the crappy cars that I use to own!)

I KNOW that this is not possible or desirable for some people. My SIL is one who could never stay home with her children FT. I am not judging or criticizing anyone, I am just responding to the questions Leslie asked.

WorkingMomX-
I believe there will be many programs coming up in Wake as more and more people are forced into year round programs. However, I suggest looking ahead of time at NC State, Shaw or other students at other colleges in the area. There could be childhood psychology/education programs at these colleges where your kids could be enrolled...I'm trying to think outside the box here

Leslie, this is the reason you don't have a fourth child?!? What a slacker you are...just kidding, he he he.

I've always worked from home and now have my own business, so the kids come back here after school two days a week, and to a dance class the other days.

But, as a new business owner, with a retail store, and no employees yet, my flexibility has shot way down, as has my disposable income. Just yesterday when a ride fell through, I had to close the store for 30 minutes while I went to pick them up from school, a big no-no for business, especially on what was otherwise a very busy sales day.

Next year looks to be even more complex as my kids' school moves its location and my older child has asked to home school. Usually she, the older one, walks with the younger to an after school class or the library, and this will no longer be possible. The store will also be significantly farther from the new school location, as is our home. So next school year is going to ask a heckuva lot more from me after school hours than this year has, and frankly, I don't currently know how I will create that balance, and it is significantly adding to my stress.

Wow, it seems as if lots of older siblings have been stuck being a caregiver to their siblings!!

I was as well and I did resent it then (still do, actually- it prevented me from doing after school acitivites and pursuing interests important to me)

Of course older kids should help out in a pinch- but not regular care.

Kids can learn to be responsible and pitch in to the family by doing the dishes, cleaning the house, cooking. They don't need to learn by raising their siblings!

They can also learn to be responsible by watching their parents do the same.
It's the parents' job to parent. There shouldn't be that blurry line between siblings on a daily basis.
Sibling relationships help one learn to cooperate, share, and develop great friendships- siblings aren't meant to be there for parenting lessons.

After yesterday's discussion of advertising, I thought others might enjoy this article about whether people fast forward past them on their DVRs:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/16/business/16commercials.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Maybe if more people start skipping them, advertisers will feel more pressure to be creative?

Actually the comment about the older people who could barely walk didn't strike me as "contaminating" the little angel more a respect for their abilities. If someone has mobility problems they would not be able to chase after your pre-schooler.

Megan,
Actually when people skip ads, I bet advertisers will just place ads somewhere else...like continually running on the bottom of the screen like the peacock and ads for future shows. lol!

Re: older children babysitting for younger children
One of the best things that my parents did was to pay me for babysitting my (much) younger sister. Since I was in the comfort of my own home, they didn't pay as much as some of the other parents I sat for, but they paid a decent amount. It was also understood that I was only paid if I watched her for more than an hour - if my mom had to quickly run out to the store, I still watched her for free. This was a great arrangement for everyone. I never resented having to watch my sister, because I got paid for it - I actually looked forward to it. My parents always scheduled times when I needed to watch her and if I had other plans, they found another sitter (not too much of a problem, since they were already going to pay me). They got a responsible sitter. It was also understood that I was not being paid to just watch tv with her for 3 hours. My sister got someone that she knew. My parents made it clear that I was in charge, like any other sitter. Worked for everyone.

... and then there are Children...

A story in Chicago Tribune:
At age 16, he's a senior--in college.
Started taking college classes at 11, while in high school. Five years later, Krzyzanowski, now 16, is a senior at North Central, preparing to graduate this summer with a triple major in physics, mathematics and computer science. Krzyzanowski's father, Zbigniew, recognized his son's passion for reading and mathematics when his son was about 4 or 5 years old. His father decided to home-school Krzyzanowski and his sister, Natalie, 14, who will graduate early from Naperville North High School this year.

This story shows the difference between the mundane stuff discussed on this blog, and really exciting stuff going on in real life. A difference between whining and doing. Btw, his stay at home father does night time shifts as a security guard to afford it.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/northshore/chi-0702120190feb12,1,6220182.story?page=2&coll=chi-newslocalnorthshore-hed

If you have problems with subscription, do Google News serach on "krzyzanowski"

My parents would never leave us alone. With 8 boys, there was always a danger of fraticide! :)

Dotted, that's a great idea. I'll definitely check it out. We're going to need a sitter soon anyway after our au pair goes back.

About homeschooling -- I think there is this notion that kids who are homeschooled learn on the same schedule (i.e., 8:00-2:30 or something) that kids who go to public/private school are on. I believe that's true in some cases, but I know of parents who both work full-time and yet homeschool. The children are quite self-sufficient and independent, though they do have a sitter or someone with them during the day. One of my stepdaughter's friends is homeschooled and did all the teaching/learning herself in her high school years. She seems reasonably normal, I guess, though perhaps a bit shy. But she may have been in any case.

"Does ANYONE else NOT live in this "friendly retired neighbors/lovely stay at home mom available in a pinch/friends who'd drop anything to watch your sick kid" World???"

We definitely lucky to move into a neighborhood that was already fairly friendly, but we've also made a real effort to get to know our neighbors. We've hosted several parties, invited people over for dinner, offered help whenever we knew someone else might need it, that sort of thing. Not like that suddenly made an unfriendly street friendly, but I think that reaching out makes a difference. Do you think the other families/couples would be receptive if you tried to initiate some neighborly contact? I've lived in some urban neighborhoods where people were friendly, and some small-town neighborhoods where people were not, so I guess it's a little luck of the draw, but it might be worth trying to host a building party or something and see what happens.

I'm not apologizing for not wanting my child to be watched by a 70 yr old recovering from a stroke and a 73 yr old who is legally blind!
Yes my angel would be contaminated of one of these older citizens died while watching her or became incapacitated, leaving my child alone, scared, and confused!

Yes, I'm a horrible mother for not letting her get into these situations.

I am single and my family lives outside the DC metro area. A have a couple of very close friends who really enjoy watching my son, even if its not an emergency. For example, if I have a work-related event, I can let them know in advance, leave the car seat at daycare and they will pick him up. I've also got to know other parents in my son's daycare class and we've (informally) started swapping childcare on federal holidays that my private sector job doesn't recognize. In emergency situations, there is one parent at daycare who I'll allow to pick up my son. However in cases such as snow days and illness, I have to take PTO or LWOP and care for him. If its snowing enough to close daycare, I don't want to be on the street with him and if he's sick, I don't feel comfortable with anyone else caring for him. I have a happy, healthy child, but we wont be taking vacation anytime soon because I have no PTO.

I've been watching The Waltons dvds with my kids for the past few weeks. It amazes me how hard they all worked, how they looked out for each other and were expected to, and how intelligent and developed they all were for lack of TV and distractions and for not beliving they (the kids) were entitled to be free from chores or responsibilities.

I know it is a fictionalized account of that family, but much of it is factually based, particularly the practical elements.

I don't get why anyone acts like giving kids chores, responsibilities, charge of younger kids or any of that is so wrong. Life is hard, and its hard all over, and much harder in other places on the globe than it is in N. America, by and large. For millenia families have helped each other survive, whether in hacking out the earth for planting or harvest or fishing the rough waters or beating the clothes clean. Why do we make the assumption that our kids today should be unburdened of the modern day version of that where an older kid keeps an ear out at the house or stewards the younger ones along to their activities or homework or whatever? The picture doesn't get better after age eighteen...college, work, paying bills, life's demands. There's time enough for enjoyment and play, too, but its bizarre to me to think there is a notion to not place familial demands on the family.

My apologies to those who've heard this before, but it's on point. My sister home schools her oldest daughter and works full-time. She is self-employed and rents two offices in order to combine home-schooling with sustaining her practice. Her daughter does her schoolwork in the office next door to my sister's office. When there's a snow day and my youngest niece is out of school, both girls get the day off and the instructional time is made up on another day. My home-schooled niece is not shy in the least. She's on a tennis team, is active in her church, plays the violin in a small ensemble, text-messages other giggly girly girls on an hourly basis, etc. It works for them.

I have to laugh, WorkingMomX, though at your description of the year-round shift here in the Raleigh area. It's not ALL the schools. It's all the schools outside the beltline - for the Raleigh unaware - few if any of the wealthier kids and old-money neighborhoods are shifting to year-round. Oops, my political bias is showing. Back in the box. I've seen a ton of options during track-out periods, though, including those run by parks and rec, the Y, and all the usual suspects. The plethora and price-range of child-care options was a big draw to us in moving to this area. I don't do well with having to sign up for things 14 months before I need them. This area is heaven for procrastinating parents.

Like many others, I have no family in the area (and not remotely close, either - 3000 miles away) and knew pretty much no one when I moved here. I definitely can't claim I have any sense of balance on this issue. The first year I was here, I took a lot of leave without pay - and cried a lot! Luckily, my son's aftercare program is open on all teacher in service days and most snow days. I have only one plan B - a friend (who happens to be a single mom who homeschools) who does WAY WAY more than her fair share of being my emergency fill-in. She insists she doesn't mind - I choose to believe her :)
For the poster who asked at what age parents leave their children home alone, my son is ten and I have just started letting him walk home alone after school and let himself in. He is there for 1 hour before I get home from work. We just started this arrangement so I can't yet assess how well it's working out. A lot of parents strongly disagree with me that this situation is safe and appropriate, but I am of the opinion that kids do need to be given more responsibility as they show the capacity to handle it.

I'm not apologizing for not wanting my child to be watched by a 70 yr old recovering from a stroke and a 73 yr old who is legally blind!
Yes my angel would be contaminated of one of these older citizens died while watching her or became incapacitated, leaving my child alone, scared, and confused!

If your child is not old enough to call 911 I agree. But what if YOU had an emergency while at home with her? Wouldn't she become "alone, scared, and confused" then? You say the stroke patient is well enough to be cared for at home by someone who is legally blind (gasp!), so evidently they are competent on their own. Or is it more that you don't want your child to find out that people who have challenges to cope with in life can also be useful and productive citizens still?

I tried to post this but it did not go through. SACC is the school aged child care program run through the Fairfax county schools. It serves as before and after school care, spring and winter break, a 7 week summer camp, teacher work days, early dissimal and half day kindergarten care. It is very reasonably priced. It is based on a sliding scale. For families of hhld incomes over 50K/year, you pay the full price. During the school year for grades 1-5, it is $381 approximately and more for summer sessions and spring/winter break sessions. Kindergarteners pay an extra $262 a month. I think they are open from 7-6 M-F. They are not open for snow days. And the obviously don't take sick children. You must be a Fairfax school aged child.

Hmmm, NC Lawyer, I've actually heard exactly the opposite regarding the schools (Wakefield? Cary schools?), but I'll defer to you as we've only recently moved to the area and I need to do more homework. But I agree with you that there are MASSES of childcare options down here and bound to be more with the year-round thing happening.

The thing is, and this is something I know I'll be struggling with, my concept of raising my family didn't include not getting my kids on OR off the bus and putting them in before/after school care. I always somehow thought that a parent would be home. I just need to get over it, though.

Thanks for all the replies re: homeschooling. That actual makes some sense to me now. Still don't know how I'd do it myself (the very thought of preparing 6-7 different lesson plans for my children everyday on top of working full time puts me in a panic!), but more power to those who can. I guess the lesson is that different things work for different families.

Don't forget that the Waltons had elderly grandparents contaminating their little angels! Actor Will Geer died suddenly, and later Ellen Corby had a stroke which left her with physical and speech limitations. So Grandpa's death was written into the script, and Grandma's character wasn't kicked to the curb, she kept living with them. Interestingly, in real life several of the child actors remained friends with Corby for the rest of her life.

"Does ANYONE else NOT live in this "friendly retired neighbors/lovely stay at home mom available in a pinch/friends who'd drop anything to watch your sick kid" World???"

My retired neighbors and SAHMs are all nosy Parkers and big boozers.

As others have stated, friends should be one of the last options on the child care list.

Thanks for all the replies re: homeschooling. That actual makes some sense to me now. Still don't know how I'd do it myself (the very thought of preparing 6-7 different lesson plans for my children everyday on top of working full time puts me in a panic!), but more power to those who can. I guess the lesson is that different things work for different families.

Inhabitants of the New World had chili peppers and the makings of taco chips 6,100 years ago, according to new research that examined the bowl-scrapings of people sprinkled throughout Central America and the Amazon basin.

See today's Wash Post. This is great!

"It took me a long time to trust other parents with my kids, though. At least until my oldest was five. It was hard to let go and trust. I still have a hard time when driving is involved. I am amazed at the number of adults who think carseats and seatbelts are optional for young children."

Leslie, this is a good point. I feel exactly the same way, and my kids are three and six. And one is disabled. And the closest family is my mother, who is great about helping out in a pinch. Friends who have offered don't live close by, and I don't have much time available to make new ones. I'm in a semi-crisis now with aftercare, because my son's disability and needs aren't really understood where he is. It may be time to look into a special-needs nanny service for him, or respite care for after school.

Megan, you were lucky to move into such a neighbhorhood. Where I live now, my neighbors are certainly nice enough, but everyone pretty much keeps to him or herself, except for an exclusive clique that runs everything.

Inhabitants of the New World had chili peppers and the makings of taco chips 6,100 years ago, according to new research that examined the bowl-scrapings of people sprinkled throughout Central America and the Amazon basin.

See today's Wash Post. This is great!

Posted by: Food News! | February 16, 2007

But - did they have cheetos?

I am lucky to live near my parents and aunt, and they are my backup in childcare emergencies. My mother watches my son after school two days every week. On those days, we also eat dinner at her house. She also watches my son on school holidays and vacations, except for summer vacation. During the summer, we enroll my son in day camp. When my mother is not available to do this, my aunt takes over. In fact, my mother and aunt often do it together, since they spend a lot of time together anyway. We are very lucky that both these ladies are retired, in good health, and absolutely love my son, who is the only grandchild and grandnephew on my side of the family. My mother feels entitled to have first dibs on babysitting, and my son loves hanging out at his grandmother's house. We are also very lucky to live very close to our family.

On the rare day that neither my mother nor aunt can help out, my husband or I will stay home with out son. In a real pinch, we pay our neighbor to babysit.

If your child is not old enough to call 911 I agree. But what if YOU had an emergency while at home with her? Wouldn't she become "alone, scared, and confused" then? You say the stroke patient is well enough to be cared for at home by someone who is legally blind (gasp!), so evidently they are competent on their own. Or is it more that you don't want your child to find out that people who have challenges to cope with in life can also be useful and productive citizens still?

Maybe, just maybe (stay with me here), the 70 yr old recovering from a stroke doesn't WANT to watch her kids? Is that a remote possibility? And your last sentence makes no sense.

"DH and I have usually tried to get orthogonal schedules at work "

KB I don't know what you teach, but I am on my knees thanking God that I never took a course from you.

What a crashing bore! A real sleeping aid!

"Or is it more that you don't want your child to find out that people who have challenges to cope with in life can also be useful and productive citizens still?"

I think it's a little bit ridiculous to scorn someone for not wanting to leave a young child alone with an elderly couple who are not in good health. Not wanting to use them for childcare is not the same as not wanting her ever to come into contact with them. I think it would be rather difficult for someone recovering from a stroke to watch a young a child and it would be unfair to ask them to.

Still don't know how I'd do it myself (the very thought of preparing 6-7 different lesson plans for my children everyday on top of working full time puts me in a panic!).

Londonmom, didn't realize we'd left you with this misconception. You purchase a curriculum from one of many providers of such to homeschooling family -- you are NOT developing lesson plans. I'm sure there are one or two families out there just winging it, but I haven't met any. Like many educational products, good curricula get more expensive at the higher grades.

Missicat: or red wine?

So I just got the latest issue of Parents and in it was a very interesting article on rude kids and how there seem to be more of them than there used to.

The reasons?

1)Full time working parents. By the time parents get off work they are tired and miss their kids and let things slide.

2)Increase in considering the child's needs/wants/developmental milestones, etc.

ex.Letting kids "explore" and climb everywhere in order to develop their creative sides (and extending this to restaurants and other inappropriate public aplaces)
. Letting your kids off the hook when they say "shut up" or other similar offenses by reasoning that he's having a hard time with the school/home transition (or some other issue)
Also, separating the child's behavior with the child himself.

What does everyone else think?

I think there are fewer parents now who simply tell their children "no". Kids don't always need an explanation. Parents shouldn't have to reason or bargain with their kids everyday.

I am personally a lot more strict with my daughter than women I know. If we're in a restaurant and she starts to act up, we leave. That's the end of it- she will not gt a special treat if she behaves. She is expected to behave from the get-go. As a result, we can now take her to very nice places and she's only 3. Same with shopping and walking down the street. She holds my hand or sits in the stroller. End of story. There's no running all over the place and hiding in racks of clothes. (I rarely drag her to the mall, but if we have to go...)

Are parents now raising little monsters?

I can understand home schooling and working full time with an older child or teleworking and homeschooling. Or that unique situation of the lawyer renting more office space. But if you have a regular 9-5 out of the house job and want to home school an elementary school children and are single. Who watches the kid while you work? I can understand that you can swap school lessons to the evenings and weekends but that still leaves care for the younger child during normal working hours. I did know a family that home schools with two full time working parents. But the kids were older and they worked opposite shifts. Leslie is right. I suggested this topic last week. Interesting answers so far.

Of course NO ONE would want their child watched by the elderly couple if THEY were unwilling to do it. But I reasonably assumed from your earlier comment that the elderly couple had offered, but you were declining it. My last sentence makes perfect sense: I was wondering whether you didn't want your child to see people with handicaps, or to grow up believing that they still had abilities, because you thought it might be scary or something.

"DH and I have usually tried to get orthogonal schedules at work "

Better than a Klein schedule!

"An awareness of how draining childcare can be is the best form of birth control for teenagers."

I worked in a large department store while in high school. It was the best form of birth control I've ever known, especially around Christmas.

However, I'm not sure that consistently having to take care of younger siblings is a good idea. In a pinch, sure. It can definitely help, and gives a sense of responsibility to the older kid. But my sister had to watch us every day after school. She's now a single mother with no education, which would be fine, except she doesn't appear too happy with her situation. I always wondered if having to take care of us made having kids of her own seem the next logical step to her, so she didn't bother getting an education or a job before having kids.

"But if you have a regular 9-5 out of the house job and want to home school an elementary school children and are single. Who watches the kid while you work?"

The families I know who do this usually have grandparents who care for the children during the day and either grandma/grandpa help with the homeschooling, or the parent does the schooling in the evening, or they're unschoolers so it's not an issue. But even if there aren't grandparents around to help, it's not like childcare isn't out there for older children. One family I know with two working parents had a nanny - the same thing could be done for a single parent. And other homeschoolers sometimes help out with childcare needs - both adults who are homeschooling their own children or homeschooled teens.

foamgnome, My sister is not a lawyer. She makes about $30K and works full-time out of the house. She changed careers in order to make it work. It does take some creativity and would not have worked with her prior job.

Experienced mom, 19 years and still at home? I hope they regularly changed your diaper... or are you able to change your own? ROTFLMAO!

For all of you who make snarky comments to me in the last few day, I will say, it is COLD down here. It was about 30 last night, right now, it is 38 and very windy.

I am surprised how no one suggested that schools should coincide their times with office times. Why have such long summer vacations, instead split the 2 months into 1 month in summer and 1 in winter.

For the poster who asked at what age parents leave their children home alone, my son is ten and I have just started letting him walk home alone after school and let himself in. He is there for 1 hour before I get home from work. We just started this arrangement so I can't yet assess how well it's working out. A lot of parents strongly disagree with me that this situation is safe and appropriate, but I am of the opinion that kids do need to be given more responsibility as they show the capacity to handle it.

Posted by: TakomaMom | February 16, 2007 11:10 AM

We also let our 11 year old stay by himself after school starting this year. He hated after-school programs and DH is generally home by 4:30. When our son showed he was responsible enough to handle a little freedom, we decided it was time to give it to him. Kids become more responsible when we give them a chance to be responsible. If there's always someone else around, they rely on others to meet all their needs. As others have said , no one knows your child like you.

"You purchase a curriculum from one of many providers of such to homeschooling"

I'm confused. If it's as easy as buying a curriculum, why are teachers required to have advanced degrees, certification, continuing education, etc.?

How can teachers' unions justify asking for salary increases if teaching is so simple?

Fred, HA HA!! That's funny. It was 8 degrees yesterday morning when I drove my son to daycare. But I can't complain as today is lovely - it was in the upper 30s when I took my son to daycare and is supposed to hit 50 today - hooray!

Our family members all worked when my kids were in school, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. so they weren't readily available for child care. The grandmothers would occasionally take time off to be with the grandchildren on scheduled school closed days, but unexpected closings didn't work.

Our solution was that I would not take any job where I would not be able to leave on a moments notice for my children, whether it be because they were sick or school closed. We did have after-school care that was also available for most scheduled closings, and only chose summer camps that had extended hours. That helped to minimize the times when I had to leave work or stay home, since it was only when the children was sick or after-care programs were closed.

I work for the government and have consciously limited my upward mobility to those positions that allow me the same flexibility. And the times I do stay home, I use leave, so my vacations have been fewer and shorter. But, life is full of trade-offs, and I found that not having to stress over child care issues has been well worth the loss of potential income and advancement.

My story only - not saying that everyone should make the same choices.

I LOVED my summers in NOVA growing up. Even though I know it will be a pain if/when both DH and I are working and our kids are off on summer-break, I feel like those were the best parts of my childhood and would hate for DS not to experience. Curious as to whether other people feel the same way or is the pain of it all (e.g., finding childcare and camps) not worth it?

Here's some advice to other dual-working (full-time) parents based on my experience, what's worked, what hasn't, what I would have done differently (and still trying to figure out). I have no family in the area (the living grandmothers are fairly old anyway and neither retired early) and have relied on friends only very occasionally (occasional early dismissals or no school days) (For the record: I have one kid in primary school and one in middle school.):

1) Don't underestimate the value of having family (grandparents, siblings) nearby. We don't and we see the huge difference it makes for our friends who do. Especially those who are fortunate enough to have youngish parents that are either retired or work part-time and can help out. if you are not from here, you may want to reconsider the Washington DC area if you can pursue your career elsewhere closer to family. (We really can't -- our jobs are closely connected to policy work.)

2) Make sure your child's school has a quality afterschool program. Find out what they do, staff ratio, accountability, etc. If it is not, work to make it better or find a good outside vendor to run it (e.g. Wonders Childcare (used to be All Saints All Day) is one such vendor at several area public and private schools). Afterschool programs are great if your child is sociable, a self-starter with homework and needs minimal homework assistance (ie. no special learning issues or ADHD).

3) Downside of the afterschool programs. Kids cannot stay past 6 pm usually (sometimes 6:30pm). Even so, this can be pretty late to have dinner etc. They can't go to the regular orthodontist appointments or other check ups. Not all kids have the stamina for it every day and some kids need more one-on-one for homework. Some kids have interests in taking music lessons or dance or sports that are in other locations. They need to be taken there. (Upshot for me, it worked great for one kid for most of primary school; not for the other one -- so when the younger one was in second grade I began to hire a college student to pick both kids up afterschool, help her with homeowork, start dinner and take her to music lessons or appointments) (see next #)

4) College and grad students can be great part-time sitters. Grad students (though less available) are usually better because they are more likely to have cars, fewer classes and more predictable schedules. Downside is turnover. But we have had some great college students. It is worth living close to a college campus for this (because students who don't have a car can easily get to your home and drive your car). I wish I had known that before I bought a home -- I didn't. Is this more expensive than the after-school? Yes, but it's what my kids need. Most want $13-15 per hour plus gas (or use my car.

4) Older siblings are good for a gap in the afternoon but they can't drive until they are 17. Also, they may have activities afterschool, sports and other interests beyond caring for younger siblings every day. do they have to give up all those things because they were born first? Also, the end of their school day may not work with the younger children. (My older child's regular school day is longer than my younger child's)

5) A lot of the nannies that people hire to care for their babies and toddlers won't work as well for afterschool because of cost, inability to drive (some) and inability to help with homework. Some of my friends who have loving long-term nannies that drive but have limited English abilities will hire a student to help with homework if that's needed. Additional expense. There is a good supply of nannies and students in this area but the demand is also very high. (If you're still reading, has one spouse quit their job or thinking about sterilization surgery yet?)

6) If you haven't purchased a home yet, consider if at all possible (we really didn't -- to our regret) whether your home could accomodate the option of having a live in nanny or foreign au pair. Some of my friends have used foreign au pairs and they can offer great flexiblity and are less expensive than most regular live out nannies. Not everyone wants someone living under their roof and this arrangement has issues too but for couples whose work involves travel its a godsend. Also, college students and nannies can quit on short notice, the au pair commits for at least one year, and sometimes can extend for an additional 6-12 months.

7) For summers, see all of the above (at least there may not be regular homework!). The problem is most people I know including me don't get 6-8 weeks vacation. I still find it strange that most summer camps here don't have programs for most of August, as if everyone just leaves town for 3-4 weeks. (It's an annually struggle/nightmare as the most I can ever pull off is one week vacation leaving us to figure out the other 2-3 weeks)

That's my contribution. As you can see it's really imperfect and it's a challenge. (I miss the golden days of a good quality, year-round daycare/pre-school.) I think this is the first topic on this blog that truly tries to address a pressing balance issue, and I really welcome the constructive ideas and suggestions of other contributors. (BTW, I almost quit reading and contributing to this blog after the inane Anna N Smith topic earlier in the week, as well as some of the nasty digressions lately such as the battle of opinions on the impact of alcoholic parents. Please let's not have today's topic get hijacked into a nasty and pointless discussion of home-schooling versus institutional education. It's not germane to how working parents handle the care of their school-aged children when they are not in school.

Any good recommendations for daycamps in Montgomery County?

"And this aspect of "balance" is one reason I don't have a fourth child."

A FOURTH child? First of all, nobody needs more than two children. Second, anybody who wants BALANCE shouldn't have more than two. Two parents, two children, two jobs, get it? Total balance. Why on earth would anyone want four children, other than some misplaced desire to spread one's DNA all over the place?

Plus, isn't anyone worried about sustainability? Humans aren't exactly in danger of becoming extinct, not in this country anyway, and unless you plan on donating yours to a country losing people to starvation and genocide, it simply doesn't make sense.

If you like kids so much, why not open a day-care and help the rest of the parents on this blog with their child-care arrangements?

Re: the little monsters

My parents were very old-school, as in children should be seen and not heard, at least not too often. If I was too active, loud, or "sassy" I was disciplined swiftly. I can't duplicate this. First, I like my son's personality to come through. Second, there is something about a mans voice that makes a little boy straighten up (at least me little boy). I don't know why, and others may disagree, but when my father, brother, or male friends speak to my son in an authoritative manner, he stops whatever he is doing. There is no man in the house, so he wont have the same experience I had. Please don't misunderstand, he obeys me and is not bad child. I do not condone disrespect, and demand he be nice, however he's not quite at the age where he understands that even if you tell the truth, its not always a "nice" thing to say. It bothers me to see children climbing all over any and everything, so I don't allow him to do that. Bottom line is I try to set boudaries and be consistent. However that's often easier said than done.

"You purchase a curriculum from one of many providers of such to homeschooling"

I'm confused. If it's as easy as buying a curriculum, why are teachers required to have advanced degrees, certification, continuing education, etc.?

How can teachers' unions justify asking for salary increases if teaching is so simple?

Posted by: | February 16, 2007 11:43 AM

Oh, please. let's not go there again. It's not the politics board. It's the On Balance Board. But since you insist, . . teachers aren't required to have advanced degrees - they get paid more if they have one and since when has any union had to have an objective justification to ask for more compensation. Are you under the impression that such a demand is somehow connected to the discussion of whether and how homeschooling might work for a single parent? londonmom's specific comment was in regard to preparing a lesson plan. Curricula eliminate the need for a teacher to prepare a lesson plan. Question answered.

If your schools are meeting the needs of your children, great, but stop hammering those who've gone a different route.

Fred - who could ever be snarky to you?

Most education research shows that the best teachers have deep content knowledge. Buying a curriculum (no matter how good it is) and placing it in