I loved your column. Thanks for being so honest about your own feelings. It's hard to admit ambivalence -- usually everyone just charges ahead trying to sound like they know exactly what they want.

My initial reaction to your question, "How do people decide about how many kids to have" is that in our case I think we were guided mostly by youth and stupidity. I wasn't nearly as logical about the whole thing as you were. It was more like two kids in the first two years of marriage ("I just love, love, love you and want to have your babies")followed by another one two years later. Paying for college or any of the rest didn't, unfortunately, enter into my calculations.

And as far as the logistics? Never really thought that part through either. One advantage to having your kids REALLY close together is that you can enroll them in a lot of the same activities. For a long time, if I didn't have at least two kids interested in an activity, we didn't do it. This is harder now that they are 11, 10 and 8 because they have their own personalities and interests, making scheduling a nightmare. And it's easier if all your children are the same sex and so forth, in terms of interests and making nice with multiple sets of parents and so forth.

The third child, however, gave me pause -- because that's the point at which paying for daycare outweighs lots of wages in lots of jobs (unless you space them really far apart. In our case we had 3 preschoolers for several years). Also, I think bad bosses are able to think of your children as a "hobby" which doesn't interfere with your work (kind of like gardening), provided you only have one or two. Once you have three, it's kind of hard to pull off the "first and foremost, I'm a career person. I just happen to have these kids" attitude. Especially if you have no family nearby.

I have two children, and my husband and I work full time. He commutes an hour by bus and I have a 15 mile commute that can take 30 minutes to an hour.
You do not have to give your child a sibling. I love my younger son, and I do not regret him. But, I will admit I liked the dynamic of having one child much better. He is 4, so it is only going to get harder when he gets homework and starts extra-curricular activities like his 7 year old sister.

Go Foamgnome! Thanks for your honesty.

One child is almost inconceivably easier (in so many ways) than two or more. But I think you have to trust that if you really want another child, you and your husband will figure it all out.

It seems that few people weigh the pros/cons as much as you do. I know I didn't. It's really smart that you are thinking this all through NOW.

i think that it is hard to work with a child 45 minutes away. it is hard because if your kid gets sick then they have to wait for a long time before you pick them up. maybe you should find a job that is closer to your house.

Foamgnome - really loved your story. I'm gonna think before I offer any opinions. Thanks for sharing.

If you have another, please, please, do it for YOU. Don't ever think you're doing your kid any favors by having another.

Having two (or three, or whatever) is NO guarantee they will get along or even like each other. They may even grow to resent each other.

In fact, I think I can count on my hand the number of people I know from 'more than one children' families that actually get along.

Foamgnome, I really liked your column as well. And - wow - do I feel the same way. We have one child currently, but have started to think about having a second. DH and I both wonder at times though how we would handle it. But at the same time, we have never really seriously considered only having one child. We both have siblings with whom we are very close and can't imagine our DS not having that kind of relationship and friendship available to him. For us, we feel that the benefit of having a sibling for DS will outweigh any cost to him (most significantly, the cost of less time with mom and dad, which - for dual income families - is the most precious commodity of all) or to us as a family.

One of the things that struck me the most about your column was also the commuting aspect. I went from having a 15-20 minute commute in DC to having over 45 minute commute in London and WHAT A DIFFERENCE IT MAKES!! I am counting the days until we move back to DC for that very reason (well, among some others - DC is CHEAP compared to London). But I really sympathesize with you. These are tough issues with no clear answer available...

I'm glad to see this topic posted. I've heard the debate among parents and most that have opinions on it think that they can afford to give a "good life" to only one child. The parents I know that wanted to have more than one don't get a lot of understanding from others.

I grew up as an only child. For that reason, if I am blessed with a husband, I want more than one child. I didn't like growing up as an only child and wanted a sibling more than anything else. Children today may not feel the same way that I did because an only child is more common today. The thing that I remember as being the most painful was how other adults treated me because I was an only child. I wouldn't grow up to be an adult with social or negotiating skills, I wouldn't know how to compromise. Looking back on this I realize adults should not have been addressing those comments to a child. But, it still added to the pain of being in a situation that I could not control.

It's interesting to me that many of those that want only one child have the closest relationships with their siblings. They would not trade those relationships for anything and no other relationship comes close to the ones they have with their siblings. However, they think that their child will be content with cousins and other neighborhood kids.

Ultimately, you know what is best for your family. Do what you feel is best and what you feel comfortable providing.

I loved this column, too. I have to tell you that we made a conscious decision to move from the DC area because of the commute that you and your husband are suffering through. It's also why I didn't return to work after my first was born -- my commute was a total of 3 hours each day (we lived in Baltimore). Balancing work and family is difficult even under the best of circumstances, but living in an overpriced, congested area made it so much worse for us.

We never considered having less than two children and thought seriously about having a third. Even if I had only wanted one, the laser beam focus I had on my first (and that he had on me) needed tempering. I actually feel more balanced having two children, and did so almost immediately upon delivering my second (it was kind of strange). I personally can't imagine having only one child, but I see no problem with it. The money and logistics would absolutely be easier with just one. I guess if that's the hand nature had dealt me, I'd make sure I expand my "family" to include close friends with whom the child would grow up.

Also, I recommend a book called "Beyond One" (not sure of the author) for anyone considering having another. I gave it to my SIL when they were thinking about having another and whatever she read confirmed her decision to stick to one. (For me, it was the opposite, so I guess it must be fairly objective.)

Thanks guys. I tend to over think things a lot. Family size is only one of my mega thinking sessions. But I agree with ilc. In my own extended family, it goes something like this. Father was an only child and he always thought it was a wonderful position; even though he choose to have three kids himself. Mother was one of three and at no point in the last 20 years has she been on speaking terms with both sisters at the same time. It seems as if three somes are destined to fail. I get along with both of my older brothers but find I am closer to their wives. But am very grateful they are a part of my life. The honest truth is the thing I love the most about having adult siblings is my SILs and my nieces and nephews. DH absolutely gets along with his two sisters from his parents first marriage. One more then the other. But doesn't have a close realtionship with his younger sister and brother. Mostly due to a different marriage and more then a 20 year distance between the two sets of kids. But we love the little kids. They are more like nieces and nephews versus brother and sister. His father has 6 siblings and hates every one of them. At no time, do the 7 kids even get together. His mother is one of 3 and has been estranged for the last 20 years from both her siblings. So much for family dynamic.

Foamgnome - What does your husband think? Most people I know that have siblings want more than one child, do you have siblings?

Everything is easier with one kid - I remember those days. Having more children is such a personal decision that I hesitate to give advise. However I do not agree with the following:

"In fact, I think I can count on my hand the number of people I know from 'more than one children' families that actually get along.

Posted by: ilc | February 27, 2007 07:49 AM"

Is the implication that most siblings do not get along? I doubt it. I must say I appreciate my brothers much more as I get older.

I think the decision is also weighted on your neighborhood network. I am one of 6 kids, born from 68-82 (the last 4 in 77, 80, 81, 82) and didn't live near any family. Both my parents worked, my mother about 45 minutes by car and my dad, a teacher, not much closer. Neither could easily get out of work to pick one of us up. There were however SAHMs in the neighborhood that would pick us up when need be. May be different since they were also the designated guardians if something were to happen to my parents, but there was still someone, somewhere we could go to.

As for activities after school, we mostly relied on parents of friends. I can remember being dropped off in the morning for an afternoon soccer game. It may seem pushy, but no one ever complained. We were given jobs to do at my friends' houses and my parents would have it no other way.

It's much different in this area. There aren't as many community centers as where I grew up in the midwest. The younger kids in my family went to pre-school and after school 'care' at the city park that ran a program until 630pm, get this, funded by the city!

Financially, I know my parents were strapped. They bought thier first brand new car when I was in college, and are just now able to go on vacations wherever they want. But I asked them, and they don't regret having six kids. We all received at least partial scholarships for college, and worked over the summers and during the school year to make up the difference. Sure I got out of school with significant student loans, but they are more the size of a kia than a BMW just four years later. And personally, I'd rather have student loans than not have any of my brothers and sisters. They taught me how to scheme, share, not get my way, get my way, work together, work against each other, pick sides, and so many other things.

All that being said, at this point in my life I think two kids is a good number. But, if I move back near any of my siblings, and their kids, one would do. Just my thoughts.

Only thing I will add (until I digest it all) is that having a second child helps the child later in life (assuming they get along somewhat as adults) when having to deal with aging parents (i.e. you and your husband).

I've seen the toll that a sick parent can have on an only child trying to take care of the parent - pretty much alone. I've seen how much easier the difficult task gets when there is/are sibling(s) to help out.

Just my $0.02.

ilc, can you define "getting along"? Do you mean mean there's occasional bickering or are you saying that most adults do not get along with their siblings?

There is nothing wrong with having only one child. Choices like that have to be made with the circumstances in mind. We all have influences like family and friends, and experiences that bring to mind the way we want our families to look. However, life isn't as tidy as our imaginations. Family planning is such a personal choice that you have to keep your own council. I have one child, and for years I had to put up with the kind words of the uninformed saying "You're good parents, people like you should have more children." It used to bother me, but time has proved that the decision to stop at one child was the correct one. Don't let other people's notions affect your decisions. They are private and personal, and have to fit YOUR situation. Never allow others to have a say in that decision. Even if you have occasional regrets, or ask yourself the occasional "what if?" in the end, when the decision is well thought out and you own that decision, you'll never have any doubts.

I'm an only child and liked it fine. We're a very flexible family with three and were easily able to take trips and go places and still do. I'm close to my parents (but so are most of my friends) and sometimes I wish I had a brother or sister, but I am close to my cousins (all 19 of them, my parents were not only children). That's something I would take into account: cousins. I don't think only children having only children would be a great thing. I think a small immediate family is fine when it's balanced with a larger extended family.

That was a great article. I have two boys, 23 months apart, and it is a handful. I also work full time in the federal government, but I have a pretty flexible situation with teleworking and being able to take off at a moment's notice. Also - I am fortunate enough to have only a 15 minute commute into DC. That being said, having two kids is so much harder then my husband and I could have imagined! We have a great partnership, but we still find ourselves absolutely exhausted by the end of day. Do we regret having the second? Absolutely not, but there are times when we are envious of those parents who only have one child.

Commonsense wrote some good advice. Difficult to actually do though...no matter what happens in life, it is so easy to imagine the road not taken. For some reason, the road not taken is always greener.

The thing is both the first and the last child will be an only child at some time. The first child is only as a baby/child. The last is an only during high school. Sure, the children are still your kids when they go to college, but they aren't there. I wouldn't have more kids just to prevent having an 'only.' It is good to think about whether to have more kids or not before actually having them. One can be enough and that is fine.

I remember, a couple years after my last, thinking about having another. It just seemed so easy and it was difficult seeing others having babies. We decided we were done with that stage in life. I felt instantly older at making that conscious decision to move on out of the baby-making stage. Interestingly, my husband wasn't affected like I was. Now, 10 years later, I'm glad we stopped when we did. We moved on.

To running @ 8:05

One thing you said may have influenced my unhappiness with my situation. My mother was an only child. My father died when I was young. He came from a large family but due to many reasons, I did not see these cousins much.

Maybe I would have felt different if I had spent more time with my cousins. But, cousins can easily become distant; the parents have to work harder if they want their children to develop a close relationship.

we had twins so no choice in the matter! youngest child born 4 years after her sisters. obviously we did not have #3 to provide a sibling, since that was already taken care of the first time around. my reason was, I didn't like that, without another child, we were doing everything for the first time and the last time. that is, we would get to a stage and enjoy it and then it would be over and no going back. I wanted to re-experience all of it. the younger one would remind me of the way the older ones used to be, and the older ones would remind me of the way the younger one would eventually be. I felt I needed that feeling of being in two stages at once, with the memories and anticipation shooting back and forth, in order to fully realize my own definition of parenting, family, motherhood.

Let me clarify -- I don't think it's wise to have another child FOR your only child. And that's because there is no guarantee they'll get along. I'm not saying it's a bound and determined fact they'll hate each other on sight, I'm just saying it's all a crap shoot, and if you're having another one in hopes they'll be "bestest buddies," be prepared for disappointment.

So, no, I don't think all "multiples" families are doomed to never speak to each other, but the more kids you add, the more dynamics you add, which can be good or bad.

As for having more siblings around for sick or aging parents, that, too, depends on the other siblings. My husband's brother and sister are, by all accounts, useless and I can tell you right now it will be my husband and I doing all the footwork (and financing).

We are only having one. We started later and I don't want children close together. We have no family in the area to help us out. Financially and logistically, as well as emotionally, it is all we can comfortably handle in our view. That is our situation only and it is different for every person.

As far as siblings, I have one but wish I didn't. That sounds harsh, I know. We truly do not like each other. We never really have. Just very different people, with very different outlooks and temperments. I know folks with siblings who are very close and I know others who are in my situation. Having siblings is NOT a guarantee that all will be great between them and they will be friends forever. So, this consideration is not part of my equation.

Great job Foamgnome! I thought your post was really thoughtful and well written.

On the topic, I can't imagine my life without my siblings. Yes, they get on my nervous from time to time, but I just can't imagine my life without them. We are in the process of trying for another one because we want one and we want my daughter to have a sibling too.

I think the most important thing to remember is to do what is right for you and your family. It does help too that we live in a less stressful area and in a lower cost of living now.

One last clarification: I don't mean to sound like everyone hates their siblings. What I forgot to mention is that it's really more of a personality difference for myself (and others I know of in the same boat).

My sister and I aren't close, but that's not really anyone's fault -- we're just two completely different people. Our personalities, interests, goals, etc., could not be further from each other. So, while we came from the same two people, you'd think we were born on opposites sides of the world.

Thanks for writing this. I have an only and sometimes feel like we are the only ones who do. We have an only for a few reasons including the fact that I am the primary breadwinner in the family and I don't think I can take the pressure of the additional responsibility. It is difficult for me to admit to that and took me awhile to but I have to be honest with myself.

I like our family size, my son is happy, social kid but I still have a lot of trepidation about our decision.

Does anyone know of "support groups" for parents of onlies? I like I said, in this area, I sometimes feel very isolated in our decision.

"I've seen the toll that a sick parent can have on an only child trying to take care of the parent - pretty much alone. I've seen how much easier the difficult task gets when there is/are sibling(s) to help out.
"

There is no guarantee that the sibling(s) will help out. Many don't and cheerfully dump all the responsibility in someone else's lap.

Great guest blog. :)

I'm struggling with this one too - especially how two would impact on my career. I'm working part time for now (happily) but would like to ramp up at some point in the future and it seems like two would make that decision harder, especially if I want to travel.

On the other hand they could go off to daycare together. :)

Foamgnome, great article. In our case, we started out with me wanting two and my wife wanting four. She grew up as the oldest in a family of four (two girls then two boys) and they all get along very well, even though one brother now lives in Georgia and the other in California. She wanted a situation just like that. I'm the middle of three (older sister/younger brother); I wanted one child of each gender.

We had our first daughter 21 months after the wedding; then our son 21 months after that. Our next daughter was born 14 months after her brother because, well, birth control methods aren't perfect. Our youngest came along four and a half years later for the same reason as the third (you 'd think we would have learned).

But seriously, we're thrilled. When the kids were younger, we handled daycare by: starting with a neighborhood in-home provider who we knew; then having au pairs for three years; and then using the day care center supported by our agency (we were both Feds at the time).

My wife quit for several years because she had gotten to really hate her job, and the costs of the daycare were eating up most of her paycheck.

When the kids were younger and got sick, we split up the "taking a day off" duties, although I usually did it more often because I had more leave. Sometimes the boss was unhappy about it; that was just too bad. (It seemed to depend on whether the boss had kids himself/herself. Bosses with kids were understanding and supportive; childless bosses were less tolerant.) But we both have a work ethic and desire to perform at top level while there, so we made sure we were the most valuable employee the boss had. That made it a lot more tolerable.

In terms of planning for college, support, etc. we always determined that we were going to give the kids the best we could afford. My parents never paid a nickel for any of my/my siblings' education; they couldn't afford to. I got through on academic scholarships and multiple jobs. I wanted to make it easier for the kids, but they're not getting a free ride. So it never entered my mind that by having another child I was taking something away from an older one.

I think it's all a personal choice - you should have another if you and your husband really want to, not because somebody expects you to or you think you owe it to the child or whatever. But at the same time, if you do have another, you'll generally find a way to make things work out.

Even if you have more than one they can still be "only children." My brother is six years younger than and I left home for college when he was 11 and never returned. We are not close; in fact, we don't communicate at all. At a party several years ago where he and I were both in attendance I said something referencing him as my brother and his friend from kindergarten (my brother was 22 when this happened) refused to believe I was his sister as he had known my brother all his life and he had never mentioned he had a sister. I have friends who meet my brother and say, I never knew you had a brother! So, if the goal is to create a companion for your existing child, rethink that.

"There is no guarantee that the sibling(s) will help out. Many don't and cheerfully dump all the responsibility in someone else's lap. "

But without a sibling, there's a 100% chance that the child will be the only person there to make the decisions/do the work.

Really thoughtful post.

About a decade ago my wife and I made the decision to have a second child. We were both government employees at the time and had very flexible schedules. I would go to the office at 0500 and my wife would start at 0930 and we had a family friend with one child who was expecting that was doing day care for us. It was exhausting, but it seemed to work. We had no idea how we would factor in a second child [especially given that we would likely be losing our very easy day care at the same time].

Looking at the numbers, we realized that the income drop in my wife becoming a SAHM was not as prohibitive as we expected [I was in a technical position two grades up form her]. Given the progressive tax rates and child tax benefits, we determined that my wife was effectively working for about minimum wage when day care and other work expenses were subtracted. In addition, work had offered me the opportunity to pursue a Master's at night at no cost to me.

It's now 10 years later and we have three wonderful children. After a lot of long hours [and weekends and overseas travel] I am now in a position where we are financially well-off, I can work from home [and just took the kids up to the bus stop], and my wife has the opportunity to focus her attention on community activities that mean a lot to her [she's served on the board of directors of a 501c3 she helped found, ran a co-op pre-school, and runs the science fair program for the elementary school at the moment].

There are many ways people can achieve balance -- in our case we chose interdependence and specialization. It's worked -- in large part because we both highly value what the other brings to the relationship.

Have been lurking in this blog for some time, but something about the topic prompts me to write today ...

It's hard to think of a more intensely personal decision than family size. Whatever you choose, you and your husband both need to be at peace with your decision. That said, I'll offer the perspective of a mother of 2. We have friends who have two kids a year older than our two, and Diane was right when she told us,"It's less than twice as much work, and more than twice as much fun." That may have worked out because of the spacing -- our kids are almost 4 years apart, so the older DD was out of diapers, dressing herself, eating by herself, and capable and (somewhat) willing to help with the baby. DD #1 quietly resented her little sister at first, and still admits that it was nice to have undivided attention, but their relationship is strong and loving now. DD #1 taught DD #2 to read (at least, she likes to take credit for it!), and at 16 and 12 they still enjoy spending time together and miss each other when they're apart, bicker with each other and gang up on Mom and Dad. In short, normal family life for siblings. Without a doubt, it's challenging when they're both little, but like all the childhood stages -- the ones you love and the ones you hate -- it passes.

Two anecdotes: DD #1 was an easy baby and a champion sleeper who slept through the night at 7 weeks. DD #2 was colicky and had to be walked from 4 PM to 11 PM from day 3 to 12 weeks, woke up if you breathed in her room, and didn't sleep through until 6 months. At 8 weeks, when the colic was the worst, I said to DH,"Why weren't we happy with the lovely little girl we had? This is the biggest mistake we've ever made!" Fast forward a few months to a moment of maternal bliss in which I asked DH if he'd like a third (we both have two brothers and had always agreed that threesomes were not the way we wanted to go). He looked me in the eye and said,"Dear, do you really think we need a three-ring monkey circus?" When he put it like that, it was pretty clear! A book I really liked for parents of siblings was Loving Each One Best by Nancy Samalin and Catherine Whitney. Two has been a good number for us. Good luck sorting this out.

Like curious non-mother, I was an only child and was not really happy. I spent my entire life day dreaming of a sibling (specifically, an older brother). I still daydream of siblings. My husband's brother lives across the country, and I push him to keep in touch better. They were really close when they lived in the same town. But truthfully, I think its me pushing because I wish I had that.

There is a reason its called "lonely only." beach vacations are boring because there is no one to play with. When the cookie jar is broken, there is no one to blame but you.

I'm one of those people who is constantly amazed when siblings don't get along as adults. Not everyone is close - personality, interests, goals, and geography can mean that you enjoy seeing each other once a year, but wouldn't take a shared vacation. But in my family, we specifically plan a shared vacation EVERY YEAR. We visit when we can. We are friends, not just siblings.

But while some of that is the common base of family, some of it was being taught to value family. We laugh now, but as we fought to the death as children, my mother would remind us that your family will always be there for you, no matter what. We like to think that of our friends, but every friend I know who has experienced great personal tragedy has learned that the list of friends who are REALLY THERE is shorter than imagined.

Should you have more than 1? I agree with others - the decision is different for each family. You'll make the right choice. But if you do have a 2nd child, remember to teach them that, even when they fight, they will make up. That family is who you can call at 3 AM, when things are just going wrong, and all you need is someone on the other end of the phone nodding his head. The people I know who aren't close to their siblings don't talk about shared experiences. It's not a matter of resentment, but their parents didn't say "no, you can't have a friend over, go play with your sister", or teach them to value the sibling.

No matter what you decide, enjoy your time raising your kid(s).

I think it's interesting that most of these comments about a second child focus on what impact it will have on the parents. Very me-centered conversation. Seems like whenever someone submits here about not wanting children, they are lambasted for being selfish and only thinking of themselves. Just an observation.

Anyways, in my earlier post I forgot to note that I am the one who will be taking care of our parents if it's needed as my brother can barely take care of himself and is the most selfish and self-absorbed man I have ever met in my life (he will be 31 this year and is angry because our parents won't "help" him even tho he routinely quits jobs and lays about all day lifting not a finger or offering any help around the house). This could be your second child. Or maybe not.

My father has one brother and some older siblings from my grandfather's first marriage that we don't see often if at all. My mother has 5 brothers and sisters and on no day are all 6 of them ever speaking to each other. This could be your situation. Or, maybe not.

I don't have children and my husband and I are ambivalent about it (tho we are talking about it more now since I am 36 and he is 37). He is the youngest of three with 10 years between he and his next oldest sibling and is not close with his siblings who live right here in the area, but who we only see on holidays. This could be your situation. Or, maybe not.

I'd say weigh out what's best for the family -- considering the child and resources you have now.

Since no one else seems to have this experience, I'll share...

I'm basically an only child (I have a half-sibling 15 years older, who was raised in a different household).

As a little kid, my BEST friends were some of the other male only-children in the neighborhood. The four of us were inseparable. We were always at each other's homes, as we lived walking distance. It was even convenient child-care sharing, as when one set of parents went out, the logical thing was to leave their boy with one of the other sets of parents for a sleepover. Had our social status been a little different, there's no doubt that we would have gone on vacations together.

Even today, though one guy got married and seemingly disappeared into witness protection, the other two guys are still the friends I trust most.

I currently have an only child, though we are debating having another. There is no reason that your only child should be lonely. I can already see that my 19-month-old's best friend is a 21-month-old only child. The two of them will only share toys with each other, and will fuss when other kids take the toys.

Obviously you can't match-make your kids into lasting friendships, but you can give them access to kids that they have things in common with.

Limiting yourself to one child does NOT put that child at a disadvantage. If you keep that child socially isolated and over-indulge the child to his/her detriment, that is not a function of your **fertility**, it is a function of your **parenting**.

2 cents.

There's no guarantee that siblings will help take care of parents. My mother is going it alone with her mom because her brother has early onset Alzheimer's and is no help. My dad's older sister basically embezzled money from their parents and left her folks high and dry. So that's no reason to have more than one child.

Great column! Foamgnome, ultimately whether to have another will be a gut decision you and your husband will have to make. I have 2 boys 15 months apart. The second was an accident, but I don't regret it at all. Having 2 close together in age can be challenging and it is definitely more work, but not TWICE as much work. We're actually contemplating a third now. Yes, it will be more work for us, but what we'll gain will make it well worth it.

I was actually in your position last week with sick kids, a husband out of town, and a scheduled court appearance that I had to dump on a partner. He wasn't happy, but he understood. It just happens sometimes. Maybe with a different and more understanding boss, having 2 won't seem quite so overwhelming.

http://lawyermama.blogspot.com

awesome post foamgnome!

I have four kids and I don't know why, it just sort of happened. I often wonder if my oldest would be a happier person if he was an only child. I think so, but what's done is done, and he does get support from his siblings.

My kids have numerous only child friends. They are well adjusted, good kids. There are lots of onlys out there now. They spend time with friends, who can become surrogate siblings. Extended families or surrogate extended families are a good thing too.

I second the thought on the difficulties of an only child caring for two aging parents. The solution may be that the parents should save enough money to care for themselves, with their child's assistance. And the only child will hopefully get support from friends when caring for aging parents.

Don't worry about college. Start contributing to a 529 plan now. Didn't you say you live in Arlington foamgnome? VA public universities are affordable and awesome!!

I asked DH if he'd like a third (we both have two brothers and had always agreed that threesomes were not the way we wanted to go)."

I love threesomes!!!

Oh, Foamgnome, please don't be scared of having an only child, of not giving your daughter a sibling. I was (am) an only, and I was never lonely, and I stopped wishing for a sibling by the time I was 4 (I only wanted an older brother anyway, and I think I was 4 when I figured, "Hey, it doesn't work like that!").

Being an only child made me mature and independent. I could hold my own in a room full of grownups, even though I was somewhat shy. And my alone time meant I had a vivid and creative imagination--I could entertain myself for hours on end, making up complex storylines and acting them out.

One other bonus of being an only: because my parents weren't paying for multiple daycares, multiple college educations, we could take the occasional guilt-free trip to the beach and DisneyWorld. Plus, my parents were always good about inviting one of my friends to come with us on our trips (another perk of being an "only" was that my parents had the money to bring along another mouth to feed on our vacations). As long as you do your best to socialize your DD (and her being in daycare helps), I'm sure she'll be just fine. You're not necessarily depriving her of anything by not having another child.

Personally, my husband and I (he's an only, too) just had our second child, and we have moments of "What were we thinking?!" (Of course, we had moments like that with just the first one, too!)

Well, all right, I'll confess that I was absolutely certain that I only wanted one child, until I had my first one.

She was (and still is, at 13!) an absolute delight. I know--I better appreciate the nanoseconds left to me, because all of that can and will change in the blink of an eye.

Anyway, she was SO wonderful that I simply wanted to have another child.

Much as I love my second-born, if that kid had been the first, there would only have been ONE CHILD. Difficult, difficult, difficult!

And money did enter into my thoughts the second time around more so than the first. That's why there are 4+ years between them.

Plus a dear friend of mine who is an only child made a point of sitting down with me and telling me that in his experience, not having a sibling to squabble/share/love/hate has made his life harder with his intimate partner(s). His wife agrees...he didn't know how to fight fair and it's been difficult for him to learn.

I wouldn't trade either of them in, usually, but it's definitely a logistic and monetary challenge.

I am the elder of two. I like having a sibling.

First of all, you seem to be blaming society for your decision to have additional children. In addition, you seem to think that people have additional children for their first child to have a sibling(s).

So, I think you need to take responsibility for the decision to have additional children. In additional, siblings are not playthings for your first child. You should have additional children because YOU want to have additional children. The idea that you don't have time to spend with each child when you have multiple children is just ridicuous. It's not healthy when you're focused on your one child 24/7. For you, at least, multiple children would help you not become obsessed with your one child.

Also, why in the world do you live in Springfield? I have never understood the insistence of so many people in Northern Virginia on living in crappy, traffic-congested areas not near their works. I hate NoVa. It is, by far, the worst traffic in the country -- and I've lived in SoCal.

It really is a tough choice but in reading all the replies here I'm of the mind that the whole thing is a crap shoot. If you don't have #2 then she will be lonley, but if you do then they might not get along. I mean really who the hell knows how any of this will turn out?

I think you really need to think about what kind of life you want for your family. We stopped at two because we had one of each and since they were both early we had concerns about a third being too early. So we kind of felt like we won the lottery, two health kids, one of each - DONE. That said, when I it was just my ds and I, I clearly remember thinking, if it is only him, he is enough (I think you said this yourself yesterday). I mean, one healthy kid seems like such a miracle in and of itself. But you need to think about what you would like to provide for them financially and emotionally. We have things that we would like to provide for them that means we need to stop at two. Some other people are happy to have 10 and dress them in sacks (eveyone is different). I also feel like two allows me to be the kind of parent I want to be. I already feel kind of torn, I cannot imagine how I'd feel with more - some other moms and dads feel differently and manage a whole gang. Siblings - jeeze, I had a brother, but always wanted a sister. My dh had 3 sisters, and always wanted a brother. Nothing is ever perfect or just as we want it.

YOu are going to hear loads of anecdotes from people's lives but I think you need to look into your soul and only have another child if you and your dh truly want another child. Much as we want to give our children everything and control everything, we really can't. If she is enough, she is enough. Love her and that will be enough. There's not a lot more any of us can ask for out of life than that.

My wife is an only child, and she always said if we had children she would want more than one. Now that we've decided to start a family, though, I think she's reconsidered that position, especially at our age (mid-40's for me, early 40's for her). I think one child will be all we can handle now; once we get pregnant if we have twins we'll have to use the man-to-man defense instead of double-teaming!

Also, why in the world do you live in Springfield? I have never understood the insistence of so many people in Northern Virginia on living in crappy, traffic-congested areas not near their works. I hate NoVa. It is, by far, the worst traffic in the country -- and I've lived in SoCal.

Maybe she doesn't want to live in DC with all the crime and crappy schools. N-va is the nicest place to live in that area.

Great column, excellent topic. As an only child, I can attest to the difficulty of caring for sick and aging parents. My mother is the oldest of seven chidren. When my grandmother (her mother) developed dementia she needed round the clock care and had very few assets. All seven siblings chipped in for a top facility, and the four siblings in town divided the calendar week to week for visits and care. My grandmother had a visitor every single day she was in the nursing home -- the staff was amazed.

Contrast this with my experience earlier this year. My father (my parents are divorced and my dad is not married) was diagnosed with a rare, late stage cancer. He went through three surgeries, chemo, radiation and a clinical trial. For several weeks, he needed non-stop care and couldn't be left alone because he was very weak and out of it on painkillers. And 100% of everything fell to me -- transportation to and from the hospital every day for treatments, keeping track of prescriptions and medications, making appointments with specialists when necessary, making sure he was eating properly (his cancer made eating extremely difficult), keeping friends and colleagues informed, dealing with the emotional side of things and also legal things such as living will and estate plans. He made it through, but if he hadn't, the entire funeral process would have been on my shoulders as well.

We were lucky that I live in the same city and that I am self-employed and able to take the income hit by halting work for four months to deal with the treatment. I have two young children and a wonderful husband to help keep things on track at home, but it was brutal. And if you have an only child, they could be in the same boat. Even if sibling relationships aren't strong, having an extra set of hands during a crisis may be invaluable.

I know that isn't the only thing to factor in to a difficult decision, just wanted to share my view. Thanks again for a great column.

foamgnone,

My quick answer is have number two! If you are so on the fence about this, you will regret not having a second child at some point later in your life.

More complete answer to follow. I have to go see #3!

Slightly off-topic but I keep noticing a tendency to "charge" daycare costs against only the mother's salary. To me, this implies that the father has no responsibility in the day-to-day care of the child(ren). Allocating the cost of childcare this way also denies the following costs of staying home to the woman:

erosion of employability over time; access to health benefits should husband's ability to provide for them be lost due to unemployment, disability, divorce, death; loss of buildup of retirement savings/pension.

These factors do/did factor into my own decision to have a second (and not third) child and the decision to be at home for awhile. My second child is in morning preschool and will attend full-day kindergarten when the time comes. I did work part-time for awhile after he was born, but we've relocated and I've decided not to return to work until he starts kindergarten. I'm grateful for the time I've been able to stay home with my young children but will be relieved to regain some security when I return to the workforce.

I do think in terms of going from one to two children, spacing matters too. My two are not quite three years apart. I wouldn't have wanted much more space between them as that would have prolonged the out-of-work stage for me. To me, to be out of the workforce for too many years would be neglecting my reponsibility to contribute to the financial security (not only salary!) of my family.

Real-life warning: Social security disability benefits do not apply if a person has not been employed for at least five of the last ten years. If a SAHM becomes disabled, there would be no SS help to pay for her care or care of the children. Children are eligable for benefits in the case of death. N.B. I haven't verified this recently, but it was true when I checked a couple of years ago. I know a woman who had been a SAHM for a number of years who was severely disabled and couldn't be left alone for an extended period. Her husband had to pay for help at home completely out-of-pocket.

My One and Only

Confession: I only want one child; the wonderful 3-year-old girl I already have. If you're a parent of a child over the age of 1, you're familiar with these popular questions:

"When are you going to start on #2?"
"Oh, but she NEEDS a sibling"
"You're young- you'll change your mind" (or alternately, if an older mom "You better hurry up and have another- you're over 40")

"Never"
"no, she doesn't"
and "I don't think so.

I have to say that I am baffled by the response I get upon rendering the verdict on my reproductive life. My first instinct is to brush it off. After all, they're just attempting to validate their own choices by insisting I follow in their footsteps, right?

Do they think I'm such a great parent and have raised a child so beautifully that I need to populate the Earth with more little ones?

Do they want someone with whom to commiserate on the difficulties of raising multiple kids?

Are they concerned that if my one dies then I'll be all alone, with no back-up kids?

I honestly always thought I'd have 2. I have a little brother and we fought like cats and dogs until he stopped being the Most Annoying Person on the Planet (insert movie clip of Little Brother and Big Sister in backseat of car on Summer Vacation: repeat ad infinitum for 15 years), but we are incredibly close now and I wanted my daughter to have that as well.

I won't go into The List reasons for not having another child (The List contains concrete reasons for stopping at one- college, retirement, housing (the money list) career, sleep (the time list) and travel and hobbies (the lifestyle list)). Could I keep it all together with another child?

The real reason is the feeling I get when it is me and my daughter, or me, my daughter and my husband, all together on a Saturday morning at brunch or the playground and it just feels right. There's no shadow baby haunting me. I yearn for the baby days when I see how big she is getting, I coo at babies, and think newborn clothes are the sweetest things ever, yet it's not another child I want. It's nostalgia for a sweet time, a wonderful memory in our lives.

So, why did you stop at one, or go for broke and add another (and another and another)? Why was it the right fit for your family?

Foamgnome- not to steal your thunder, but I submitted this to Leslie on the same topic (I guess mine was too late! lol) Instead of writing out a whole new post, I'll add it here.

I'm an only child of an only child and a youngest-of-three-but-only-son. There was, yes, a point in which I wanted a sibling, starting from about age 5 when I hit kindergarten and figured out my situation wasn't necessarily the norm. I got over it somewhere around the age of 9.

The nice thing though is at least in my experience it means that the definition of "family" can become very nicely fluid. I am an only child but I have two friends who are also onlies (well, one's a pseudo-only because she has about half a dozen half-siblings who are a good 12 years younger than she is) and whom I do consider my sisters and vice versa, and we are in all but blood and name. If the emotional need for a sibling is there, the kid will find a way to compensate. Have kids for yourself, not the kid. Kids are surprisingly adaptable and onyl children do not automatically turn out unhappy and lonely, just like all multiples do not automatically turn out to be the best of friends and 100% supportive of each other.

Also -- in a way my mother's being an only actually made it *easier* for her to deal with my grandmother's retirement and whatnot, as she was the only one making the decisions once my grandmother couldn't anymore and there was no possible arguements between siblings over should we do this or that when it came to her care. Once she made her decisions with regard to my grandmother's care, the doctors could go forward and my mother awaited the next round rather than arguing with siblings who disagreed. YMMV on this, of course, I'm just stating my experiences in this regard.

Thank you for your honesty, foamgnome! I am pregnant with number 2, and I feel a little panicked about the prospects of two (my son is now 18 months) for so many of the reasons you describe. I work from home very part time, and financially that works as long as there's no emergency. Being pregnant again means things will be even tighter until I return to work -- and even then, the cost of day care and the logistics of both of us working and commuting boggle my mind. I think the key is to take a DEEP breath and decide what it is that you and your husband really want for your family, not just now, but in the future. My husband and I felt very strongly about having two (rather than 1), because we think the sibling relationship can be amazing. I'm very close to my two brothers, and always have been. I like having the shared memories. That said, however, there is NOTHING wrong with having one. As long as it's the decision you're comfortable with. For us, despite the current challenges, we want two and feel that things won't always be this way. Someday we may move near my parents, and someday we may live where the cost of living is lower, and we might get jobs that we love and are worth the small family sacrifices. I try to remember (and it's hard) that it is most likely a long life, and what's true today might not be true down the road.

Foamgnome,

Great post - thank you for sharing your thoughts and worries. I was in a similar position after my daughter was born, and Marc and I debated for about a year all the pros and cons of going for Number 2. He's here now, and a life is good, but I personally had to get to the point where I felt deep in my soul that one child was just fine before I could make the decision.

Having only one child is a wonderful, valid, loving choice. Most only-children have a special relationship with their parents that has more intimacy and a more grown-up feel to it. Only children create a family of friends rather than siblings. And as many posters above have illustrated, there is no guarantee that what you have in mind for a loving sibling relationship will actually happen.

The scales were tipped toward going for 2 kids for us simply because time was running out for us to try (I was 42 when my son was born) and we figured we'd better see if it is even possible (and then possibly explore adoption if not). I was raised by my mom only (my dad died when I was young; we had no family living anywhere nearby) and had a younger sister; my sister is to this day my very close friend and confidant, primarily because we relied on each other so much as kids. I really had to teach myself to recognize that my own family situation is not the same as my childhood - my daughter has both of us, and if she were an only child, I know that would have been okay.

You may want to check out OnlyChild.com. I remember finding it helpful.

I hope you enjoy your day on On Balance!

Foamgnome, thanks for posting this. We have two, but only after a LOT of soul-searching -- my daughter is very high-maintenance, I have a fairly demanding career, and we had a busy but comfortable routine going on, so why would I want to mess with that? For me, the big thing was that I was both an "only" and a sibling -- I am my mom's only child, but I also got four steps and halfs between the ages of 9-14. I'm not tremendously close to any of them (age difference + we never lived together), but my life would be so much poorer without them. And I wanted my daughter to learn that she was not the center of the universe.

I still don't know if we made the right decision. Ok, that sounds wrong, but I don't know how to say it right. I adore my son and there's no way I would change that decision. But it has been harder than anticipated. It's true that two is not twice as much work as one. It's an extra load of laundry, four plates instead of three, two heads to shampoo instead of one, a couple of extra sick days, etc. But when your day is already packed to the gills, that extra 30 mins or hour has to come from somewhere, and it doesn't take much to push it over the edge. For us, the extra time has come at the expense of ourselves -- less sleep, less real cooking, more working at home at night to make up for sick days. Basically, right now, life is more about logistics and knuckling down to make sure everything is taken care of, and less about just having fun with my kids.

Part of me knows it will get better -- baby boy is 16 months now, so at a very high-maintenance stage. But I also wish I could sometimes just enjoy that stage more. I am very, very conscious that this is my last time with a toddler, so even when he gets me up in the middle of the night, as I snuggle him I think I better enjoy this now, because in a few years, my snuggle bunny is going to be an independent little boy who doesn't want PDA from mommy any more.

I think things would be easier with one. Then again, who's to say that if we had stopped there that I wouldn't have filled up the available time with other things anyway, and been just as busy? And then baby boy burrows his face in my neck, with his blond ringlets tickling my cheek, sighs with contentedness, and my heart flip-flops.

I agree that it would be very helpful to talk at great length with one's husband about the logistics of raising more than one child. Sort of like Marc & Amy's Guest Blog on Equal Parenting last week.

I also hear from a lot of younger pre-moms who are thinking about not having any children at all because they hear so much from older moms about how difficult the juggling act becomes, even with one. Kind of sad in my opinion. In Japan and a handful of European countries, women are avoiding marriage and children for the same reasons -- too much is expected of women. I think would be a shame if that happened in this country. Men, our gov't and companies have got to catch on that offering support and flexibility to moms is a better solution than driving women to avoid having kids altogether.

Most only-children have a special relationship with their parents that has more intimacy and a more grown-up feel to it

Where is the proof to back up this statement?

Great perspective. With two, my husband and I both work and we're making it work, but I can't see that happenong forever. I think more flexibility when the kids are older will be good. My husband only ever wanted 2 as we both come from fams of 3 and the middle sibs are definitely the textbook definition of middle sibs (both girls). So then I thought about having 4 but I'm just too tired! I think it is more of how you want you're family to be-with more sibs, I thinks kids are more independent and find the sib(s) they get along with better and with fewer, you're just stuck with who you get-which is a good lesson too-that you can get along with people you might not have originally found as a friend.
H
Being one of 3 girls, if we had had 2 girls, I would *never in a million years* have another unless adopting a boy to ensure not having another girl - MIL is one of three girls too. My friend with 2 girls got angry at me when I said that.
Anyway, I have a friend with one and they made the decision toi have one because they love him yet like their flexible lifestyle. It is all personal preference.
I told my DH that more kids would mean more grandkids and he said it is too long to wait...

I also agree with ilc. I am an only child (parents would have liked to have one more but couldn't) and I have no regrets about the way I was raised. I have always had a very close relationship with my parents and I think part of that stems from not having to "share" them with anyone else. I'll admit that I went through a phase when I was about 5-6 years old when I would've like to have a younger sibling, but I quickly got over that as I saw friends bickering with theirs all the time. My husband is one of 4 children and never had a close relationship with his brothers (or his parents really) while growing up. We have one daughter and she will probably be an only child. I love being a mom, but with a full-time job and limited financial resources I just can't see adding another child into the mix (even though my parents live nearby and help out with child care). Who knows, maybe in a few more years I'll feel differently (daughter is only 1 1/2 now). If she is an "only" like me, I just hope that she marries someone with siblings so that she can have nieces and nephews. I also think that the drawbacks to being an "only" really come into play later in life as your parents get older and all of the pressure of taking care of them and making tough decisions fall on your shoulders without the support of siblings. I'm not at that point yet but I can foresee the difficulties.

"Siblings are the anvil on which we forge our personalities."

I hope I'm not misquoting someone here, but I loved that when I read it. I think siblings are great - but do what feels right for your family!

I am an only child. There are advantages and disadvantages. I had many opportunities that I would not have had if I had siblings. There simply would not have been enough money and the logistics would have been more challenging for my parents. Overall, I am just as glad I don't have any siblings.

"In Japan and a handful of European countries, women are avoiding marriage and children for the same reasons -- too much is expected of women. I think would be a shame if that happened in this country."

I think that would be WONDERFUL if it happened anywhere! Ever hear of over population?

Leslie, I think you just issued an odd statement:

"In Japan and a handful of European countries, women are avoiding marriage and children for the same reasons -- too much is expected of women."

Maybe I am reading you wrong, but I don't think this is the type of statement you want to make -- sounds like society dictating to women what they can/can't do and be considered a 'success.'

I think normally you use much more empowering language. Are you just cynical on this issue? Most men I know always feel comfortable saying, "I don't care what X thinks, I'm doing what I think is right." It seems to me that women have that same option.

Great post. We have a 7 month old now and defintitely want one more. I was an only child and did not like it at all- like others, always wanted a sibling and felt "different" than everyone else. I also had a difficult time adjusting to living with other people when I began college and life (although have pretty much overcome that now...) Of course, my parents were also divorced and all the other families in my neighbohood were "traditional". But, it's really a personal choice. I'm sure if you provide a loving environment and the child has lots of friends, he will be fine.

I also agree that you should try and get out of DC. I have a 3 hour round trip commute from Baltimore which I hate, so am looking hard to find something in B'more or anywhere else that offers a better quality of life. Unfortunately, all the good, well-paying jobs in my field are here.

Anyway, thanks for the post and sharing your angst. It's good to know I'm not the only one struggling mightily with these issues.

I am an only child, and was very happy growing up. I currently have a 2-year old daughter, and we have been debating this for some time. For us, part of what comes into play is that I have no siblings, and my husband has none in the area. If DD is an only child, she will have no siblings and no cousins.

On the other hand, I do not think I can handle 2 close together. We plan to have another child when our daughter is 3-4. I actually don't worry too much about finances, probably because I am a SAHM so adding a second child won't add much cost in the immediate future. We live very simply (in a small townhouse, drive 2 ancient cars, rarely go out), and we are happy that way. If we were living a more extravagant lifestyle, I would have to go back to work and I think having another child would become very problematic.

OK, to answer a few questions. DH really wants a second child because he has a close relationship with one of his sisters. He also worries as she gets older she will not have anyone else to convide and share her joys and troubles with. We honestly don't worry too much about when we get older. Because of what I have seen is one child gets stuck taking care of the aged parents. It is usually a combination of schedules, relationship, and geographic proximity that determines who takes care of their parents. Given we have one child, we should have enough $$ to take care of ourselves. DD might just have to oversee that our care takers do not abuse us or steal from us. As far as why we live in Springfield, well we bought our house there because we could afford a house there. At the time, property values were rising pretty close and we knew if we lived in the District we could not afford private schools. DC is great if you can afford private schools. Besides when we bought our house I was working in MD and DH was working in Falls Church. It made no sense to live in the District. We also think that a suburban lifestyle on weekends was more appealing that a city life. We knew we could always metro in to see the sites but liked having our own yard and a nice neighborhood school. We don't actually live far from our jobs; distance wise. It is just the traffic and congestion that creates these crazy commutes. It would be hard to find comparable jobs with shorter commutes. So having at least a 45 minute commute is probably always on the table for us. I don't get why someone thinks I am blaming society. I am simply saying these are the things that factor into our daily life. But there always seems to be at least on ugly comment on each one of these blogs. So I designate that one to be it for today. I guess a lot depends on what you think you could give each child. I see time as being the hardest to give each child. When you both work and commute, it is really hard to see how you have enough quality or quantity of time to devote to each child. Also there are things above and beyond that we would like to provide. Even if we could give both kids a college education, we definitely could not help with grad school or a down payment on a house. I am not at all saying that we feel this is a necessity to parenting. But wouldn't it be nice to be able to do those things. I guess DH and I did not get any support as adults from our parents. Not just in monetary ways. But I noticed parents of only adult children, still come down to help their child move or help with the grand kids. It just gets harder with multiple kids. DD does go to day care and is very socialized. I don't worry that she will be lonely or unsocialized. I guess the one thing that disturbs me is DH thinks DD needs a sibling. But I never hear that he wants to nurture and love another child. It is always all about our DD. I personally would have loved to have two, if I did not have to work. I would have loved to experience it again (except for the sleepless nights). With the adoption potentially failing and a job switch, the time to have another child doesn't seem right. I am already 36 and wonder did our opportunity just pass us by? Yes moxiemom, if DD was our only she would be enough for me. But would she be enough for her or for her father?

Great column. My husband and I had a lot of the same fears as you, and decided to have a second child anyway. We're now about 3 months pregnant with our second child.

I think sticking with one is a fine decision. For us, though, (and we're not generally sappy types at all) it came down to the overwhelming, sort-of miraculous joy that our first baby brought into our lives. Don't get me wrong- we're exhausted too. And money is an issue for us, too. Especially affording daycare for two.

But seriously, we aren't doing it so that our first child can benefit from a sibling- I have a sister, and I can't stand her. We're having another kid for the much more selfish reason that the first one is the best thing that ever happenend to us, and we want to repeat the experience.

"Siblings are the anvil on which we forge our personalities."

I hope I'm not misquoting someone here, but I loved that when I read it. I think siblings are great - but do what feels right for your family!

Posted by: Fairfax | February 27, 2007 09:30 AM

Why can't one "forge" their personality on folks other than siblings? What about classmates and other friends?

It is horrendously simplistic to assume that someone is close enough to their sibling to consciously model a life after them. And if it's unconsious then the source of the modeling is more than just the sibling, it's likely all observed behaviors.

So yeah, while it's a nice artsy quote, does it stand up to scrutiny??

What if there are no cousins? Does this make a difference in anyone's family size decisions? I am an only child and DH has one brother, but his brother is out of state and 10 years older (so DH was basically raised as an only child) with one 15 year old nephew and DH is not close to brother or nephew (he has never called either, only sees them sometimes at Christmas and Thanksgiving).

I know a lot of adult only children and the issue with sick parents comes up a lot. It seems like with my friends with siblings (even if the siblings don't get along) one seems to be around when something happens to the parents (surgery, hospitalizations, cancer diagnoses) - granted a lot of times one sibling steps up more than the others, but still there is more balance. With only's they are expected to drop everything and take care of everything on their own.

Interestingly though, I never really wanted siblings and I am happy as an only, but I have always wanted 5 or 6 kids. Although I think I will probably limit it to 3 or 4 because of college costs.

I can totally relate to your work situation - and this is my new job! I thought that working for someone with a smallish child would be more sensitive to my situation... but she is married and the childcare (emergency care) is divided. I definately get tense looks and frustration when my child is once again sick, because it is winter and this is her first year of preschool. My advice, never start a new job and have your child in their first year of school at the same time - too many colds, earaches, and "fevers" at 100 degrees.

As for having another child; I come from a family of three, and my parents come from familes of 4 and 5 children - so I always imagined having at least 3. Though, I am single without a prospect of a husband/father, getting old fast, and really tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I just cannot imagine adding another little one the the mix, yet am not sure how I feel about only having one... though life circumstances may make that decision for me, and I should just not worry about it now.

My perspective is slightly different. As I watch my parents struggle with end-of-life issues for their parents, they completely and utterly rely on their siblings. As my parents in the past year have needed my sister and I more involved in their healthcare, I've been glad to have a co-conspirator who knows the background and who truly knows the people. In these situations, much later in life, siblings can be invaluable. I know that I'll have two kids simply for this reason.

There's nothing wrong with one but, when it comes to these end-of-life situations, when there's only one person for parents to lean on and only one person to provide thoughtful input, sometimes that second person (or third, fourth, etc.) can provide insight and bear some of the burden.

Obviously there are pros and cons either way and the pros and cons have different levels of emotional resonance for different people. So I'll talk about some pros I feel personally for more-than-1 though it's no judgment on those who choose only one, to bask in a different set of pros . . .

Personally, to me, my parenting and my family feel a lot more balanced with more than 1 (we have 2). Personally, the way I experienced having just one was different --- like a federation of 3 personalities, each to some extent autonomous and unique. The whole parenting experience/window onto childhood was through the prism of just one individual child, so parenting was more responsive to planning for/shaping experiences for 1 important person. It was more of a doting, personality-centered experience. I don't want to say she was a hothouse flower, that's way overstating it, but the focus was much more on her experience, on nurturing her. It was hard not to always feel that mama bear protective, that awe/adoration. Then on the other hand, there's also the conflation of her individuality and personality with her status as child --- as if the only reason for childishness, for aggravating or limited stages, is her, personally. When I had more than one it was easier to separate the child-ness, the stages, from my child as an individual personality; and easier to take the inevitable pull down to earth to deal with age-appropriate issues --- say control issues, or consistency, or whining, or not following through/self-directing --- it was much easier to separate these inevitable unpleasantries as generic kid behavior, incurred generically by the decision to parent a kid, and no particular reflection on my individual child, and to appreciate more the individuality that shines through the baseline of age-appropriate kidness. With 2 neither has to be the flagbearer for childhood, the sole representative of childish things in the household. With 2, when you plan outing/trips, you don't think, what activities could x do? what should we pack for x? Instead, you think, what are the kid-centered activities? What supplies do we need for the kids? And that depersonalizes it in a way that makes it more a generic responsibility of parenting, of planning for the whole family, and less intensely centered/attached to a single child.

I really think at least going to kids versus a-specific-only-child levels the field, gives the kids more even and diffuse representation, on par with the parents. To me it makes a family more group(s)-centered than individual-centered. To me there is more cohesiveness, more we're all a part of a vibrant and diverse group who love each other, rather than a quiet cultivation of our extension by one from a couple, in a family that lives only in one moment in childhood then forgets it as their single child-emissary leaves it behind forever.

The ways that having 2 tempers parenting are extensive. When we had only 1, she got many indulgences/prerogatives as the child --- the grown ups just naturally show patience and tolerance and put a child's wants paramount, as it's a joy to see her happy. I remember reading, I think Penelope Leach about the shock of preschool, when many kids first encounter others who don't naturally agree that *they* should *of course* get to go first/have the biggest cookie/brightest toy. With a sibling, one balances between wants and needs that are more equally compelling; you can't just have one child always cede to the other because they're content to see their sibling always have the fun. Also, there's a real tendency to feel things from inside your own child's skin, when there's only one, to deeply feel their hurts, and to understand/forgive their infractions. But the first time your child is grievously wronged by that monster --- oops, your other treasured child --- is often really the first time you feel both sides. And that occurs so often with siblings, not out of nastiness, but out of children's slow learning to grow out of self-centeredness, that it fosters many opportunities to cultivate empathy in the siblings for each other, and to set and deeply believe in limits. Partly it's just because you are there, seeing all this interaction and with deep understanding of both kids involved --- it really creates a context for deep guidance parent to child about how we treat each other, and why, the values behind that. For me, I certainly never moved past the inner-rage, that-monster, feeling when my kids were hurt, until it was my other child doing the hurting . . . The teachable moments are so abundant with more than one, because you're not directing/immediately involved in all the activity, there's continuous interaction and you have a front-row seat to all of it . . .

The logistics do get more complicated. But, with our girls at 6 and 9, we feel like we've gotten over a hump to a point where it's a trade-off between logistics and neediness. Because when we're just at home, when we're not shuttling to activities, more often than not nowadays the kids disappear off to play or do projects together, or individually in frequent consultation with each other, and totally ignore us. We are not the major outlet for interaction/playing in the house, their preferred playmates are each other. We do still have to pester them to finish homework, music practice, etc, and in some ways they distract each other from those tasks to fun . . . but aside from that outside requirement to steward tasks, most of our interaction with the kids is very mutual, let's have some fun *together* now, not I-need-a-parent for any fun or company.

And of course, once you have that 2nd child, and love both of them, you really feel deep in your soul how much they enrich each others' lives, how lucky they are to have each other to share a life history of stories and experiences together, and to share companionship and imagination and avocations with each other. . . Having parents and a sibling in that most intimate circle, with a sibling so much closer to the child's perspective and daily experience reference frame, it's just such a richer network of love and support and understanding . . .

I also think having siblings as an adult, having a network of family to always return to and share a cumulative life history of experience, as one parents and as one ages, is a real life enricher.

And having more than one is no guirantee in the older parent issue-my mom passed when she was in her 50s so her sis is taking care of grandma mostly alone. She hads grandkids help, but not nearly enuf-wemostly live out of town from where she is-not where we grew up.

To 9:28 poster: My sentence about only children having a special type of relationship with their parents comes from what resonated for me when I was reading up on the lives of only children. It is a broad generalization, of course. But I could definitely see how this would be common and could be a lovely thing. I don't mean that children with siblings have a less-than-special relationship with their parents, but it is probably a slightly different relationship.

Everyone is so accustomed to being in total control of family size and circumstances in our modern society. In general, that is true. However, sometimes life does throw some wrenches into your plans. My husband and I used to be one of those couples who said, after the birth of our second child, which gave us the perfect "one girl, one boy" family; "we're finished having kids now."
Well...meet our third child, a little son born 7.5 years after his sister, after my husband's vasectomy grew back, or "re-channeled" in medi-speak.
After the initial shock, we accepted him warmly and with excitement. Our older children (and their friends!) were thrilled and still dote on their little sibling constantly. I will say, though, that at the same time it has warmed our hearts, it is really wearing on our finances. Saving for college, paying for extracurriculars, paying for childcare, etc. for two kids was doable on our professional income, which includes me working 20 hours a week. We could still set aside enough after savings and activities to have a nice vacation. Now our vacations are very close to home and low-budget, the holidays are pretty low-key and not as extravagant, and we often have to say "no, we can't afford that" to our older kids. Sometimes we feel like we're the only ones in our neighborhood who don't go to Vail or Steamboat skiing over Winter Break or jetting to Paris for Spring Break. These are things people didn't do very much when I was growing up, perhaps because families were so much bigger, and doing without luxuries was what people did and represented the normal situation in all of my friends households back in the seventies. Nobody was really poor, but it seemed like the constant refrain of everyone's parents was "we can't afford that right now." I don't think I've ever heard of any of my children's friends' families now saying that even once in all the time I've had kids (14 years). So, yes, it has eaten away at us financially to have our third child (especially so unexpectedly) and it does throw our household into chaos, juggling acts, and seemingly endless noise and mess on occasion, but what we've gotten in return is something I'd never trade for the fancy vacations an extra money. This new little person has taught us all to step back and take a breather, he has shown my older two how to be a lot less self-centered, and it has made us all realize what really counts in this world and to remember that people count more than the toys.
By the way, hang in there on trying to find a family friendly boss -- they are out there, and they are worth working for, even for a bit less pay. My employer is very family friendly and has been very patient as I've had to take off of work here and there for a recent stomach bug that ravaged our family (brought home from preschool by our littlest, of course!) Remember to point out that it's not just people with kids who sometimes need flexibility. Other people, in increasing numbers, will be faced with caring for elderly parents and relatives and will need similar patience and flexibility.
Good luck!

foamgnome, don't sell yourself short. You did nothing illegal by taking sick leave to take care of your child. It is a legitimate use of gov't sick leave. Your boss will get over it. Moreover, you will outlive your boss....You cannot be penalized in any way, according to gov't regs for doing what you did.

Why a sibling?

As you say, many "only" children are happy and well adjusted - so why not?

Here is one reason that may not be apparent but which I have witnessed first hand in several instances.

The children of only children do not fare as well. When only children become parents of more than one child, they have no concept of the relationships of their children to each other. They do not understand when their children argue/fight/compete. It is a natural phenomenon but they see it as something hostile/wrong with their children. Even with their scraps, the children are very close - then they grow up and have families of their own and grow apart - as is normal. The only parent does not understand why their children aren't as close as they once were. In one instance that I know of both parents are only children and there is total lack of understanding there.

So apart from the current pros and cons, consider the future.

Thank you for sharing your thought processes with regard to # of children in your family. It is an intensely personal decision and no one can tell you what is right for your family.

I am a little concerned about your work situation. As a parent, I certainly understand the anxiety of having a sick child and potentially having to take off work. However, you need to look at it from your employer's point of view. It's not that you're a parent per se necessarily (though sometimes it is), it is the sense that you are not prepared for these situations and to the employer, it looks like a lack of responsibility to your job. Your employer may expect that you have back-up plans for these situations. It's not his problem that your husband is out of town, that you don't have family nearby and that your child is sick. I'm not unsympathetic, but you need to see it from your employer's point of view and not make him or her out to be the bad guy. You may think the answer is changing jobs (and it might be), but it may also be that you devise back up plans for situations such as this.

here's the motto my husband and i used when deciding not to have a second child:
"better for alice to have parents that like each other than a sibling"

our beautiful baby girl, alice is now 18 and i am so glad she is in our life, but also very glad my husband and i did not have another child

we started late - i was 32, my husband was 42
that first year was a huge adjustment and after the first year of alice's life we were just starting to relax and feel like a great threesome

i was afraid of the toll it would take on my marriage --that was the deciding factor

i also enjoyed my work and yes it was hard balancing, i did like working in the field i went to college for (design)

my schedule is now part-time work, this happened when alice was 13. here's a clue --they don't warn you about middle school years --that was the scariest time for us as parents. i took a 4 month leave to really focus on my daughter. when i came back, my wonderful com[pany agree to let me work until 2PM everyday, so i could pick here up from school

good luck in your decision, my advice is really think what you want, not your child. and also what's priority in your life
your child will be OK if you and your husband are OK

sue.

I disagree with your generalization of children of only children. My mother was an only child and she had 2 children BECAUSE she missed having siblings. The issue of fighting was handled between me and my sibling was as I imagine in any other family. I'm not sure you can make an assertion like that--is it based on facts or your anecdotal experience? Certainly not my experience.

"The real reason is the feeling I get when it is me and my daughter, or me, my daughter and my husband, all together on a Saturday morning at brunch or the playground and it just feels right. There's no shadow baby haunting me. I yearn for the baby days when I see how big she is getting, I coo at babies, and think newborn clothes are the sweetest things ever, yet it's not another child I want. It's nostalgia for a sweet time, a wonderful memory in our lives. "

SAHMbacktowork- I think this so eloquently spells out the actual feelings that go into the decision to stop at one (or two, or whatever feels right).
That shadow baby comment really got me.

This really highlights that it's about what's right for you and your child- NOT the so-called benefits of having a larger family or the pressures that you'll need a bunch of kids to take care of you in old age or so they'll have each other when you and hubby die! They sound like such silly reasons after I read what you wrote on how you FEEL.

Most people feel that I'm selfish or cold for not wanting more kids, but I just totally agree with you! It's not that I don't love babies- I do! I just don't feel as if I need another to complete my life.

Thanks for actually spelling it out for me (and others) You really put into words how I feel

To: Another Librarianmom

Slightly off-topic but I keep noticing a tendency to "charge" daycare costs against only the mother's salary. To me, this implies that the father has no responsibility in the day-to-day care of the child(ren).

___________________________

I don't think you're reading that right, particularly in my case. I know that your conclusion is wrong, in my case and in many others.

First, we agreed from even before our marriage that it was never going to be "my money" and "your money"; it's all "our money". We operate from a joint budget. (I realize that not all families do, but it works for us.)

So, when my wife got to the point where she hated her job so much that she really, really just wanted to quit and be an SAHM for a few years, we did the financial analysis based (a) losing her income, plus all the ancillaries like retirement savings, etc.; and (b) decreasing day care, commuting, and related costs. It worked out that we could afford to take the hit. But that analysis wasn't done because we were charging day care against her paycheck; it was because the loss of her paycheck was the topic under discussion. If it had been me thinking of quitting, we would have done the analysis the other way.

(And yes, since I'm an engineer and she's an analyst, I've always made way more money than her. Salary structure in the US is (mostly) a matter of supply and demand. There are far fewer engineers and a greater demand for them than the situation for analysts, so even the Feds pay engineers more. So it was easier on the budget for her to quit; I probably couldn't have done it.)

"I remember reading, I think Penelope Leach about the shock of preschool, when many kids first encounter others who don't naturally agree that *they* should *of course* get to go first/have the biggest cookie/brightest toy."

I know someone who was very careful to overrule her son (an only) from time to time for this very reason. She knew that it was very easy for an only to get used to having his way, precisely for the reasons you cite: it's fun to make a kid happy; the adults might not have much preference about what to have for dinner or whatever; there doesn't seem to be a compelling reason not to let the kid have his way. So sometimes her son would say, "Hey, can I have a popsicle?" or whatever, and she'd tell him no, just to get him used to hearing it.

to the working mother at 9:48 am. I respectfully disagree. Forget her parent status -- it could have been her parent, her husband, herself who has suddenly gotten sick. We tend to focus too much on parents taking leave to take