Just Say No

By Rebeldad Brian Reid

The one constant in the self-help books I'm more attracted to -- those on productivity and goal-setting and time management -- is the immense power and utility of the word "no." The problem, the argument goes, is not always that us unbalanced types are not working hard enough. It's that we're doing too much.

So a couple of years ago, I decided to say "no" more, and it hasn't made much of a difference. "Just Say No" is no more effective a work-life strategy than it is an anti-drug message, and I'm just now beginning to realize why.

Saying no is supposed to eliminate conflict, clear up space on the calendar and allow for free time. But that's not the way it works in reality, for me, anyway, when guilt and obligation come into play. The word "no" is invariably followed with something else. If I opt to miss a PTA function, I'll go above and beyond to volunteer for the next event. If I pass on an invite to the barrage of get-togethers/coffees/dinners, I'll make a promise to "get together soon." And taking a pass on a work assignment -- even when I'm overloaded -- triggers me to work even harder when the slow times do emerge.

Jules Renard once said, "The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving any excuse," and I'm sure he has it right. One of my new goals is to work to be a little more of a free man.

I'm trying to beat back the self-imposed guilt. There's nothing wrong with begging off every once in a while, especially if it lets me do the things I want to do (with the kids, with the wife, or even -- be still my heart -- by myself). But I'm not there yet, or even very close.

So -- as always -- I'll kick it to you. Is there anyone out there free enough to decline a dinner invite without giving an excuse? How do you say "no" without creating another obligation down the line?

Brian Reid writes about parenting and work-family balance. You can read his blog at rebeldad.com.

By Brian Reid |  February 8, 2007; 7:00 AM ET  | Category:  Tips
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