Happily Ever After?

As women spend more time working -- and have let/ encouraged/ demanded their husbands do more with kids -- fatherhood has changed dramatically in the United States. Because of this, dads' roles as parents have changed even more in the last 25 years than moms'.

Along these lines comes I Think I Love My Wife, a movie that opens March 16 starring, co-written and directed by comedian Chris Rock. Rock, who is married and has two children, calls the movie "a serious comedy about dads and marriage and parenthood." The basic plot, as far as I can tell from previews, reviews and Rock's February 28 appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, is that the main character's life is idyllic -- beautiful wife, lovely kids, good job, trustworthy friends. But he's bored with domestic bliss in a midlife, "is this all there is?" way, and easily distracted by a friend's seductive (and single) ex-girlfriend. I haven't seen the movie so I can't recommend it -- but I will go see it, if only because of its intriguing view inside a married father's world.

In real life, a friend in his 40s who's happily married with three kids told me recently that he thinks some men today stay in marriages "for the kids" the way women have for generations. He cited five friends who are unhappy in their marriages but are staying put until their children go to college because of their degree of involvement in their kids' lives. It used to be -- generally -- that men strayed or outright left when bored or unhappy. Although I have not found any research proving this, it seems men left because they could, without significant financial or legal repercussions like being tracked down for child support, and because their bonds with their children were less binding because they were less involved in their daily lives.

An alternate view comes in Terrence Real's new marriage self-help book The New Rules of Marriage: A Breakthrough Program for 21st Century Relationships. The reason we need a breakthough is simple, according to the book jacket: "A long overdue message that women need to hear: You aren't crazy -- you're right! Women have changed in the last twenty-five years -- they have become powerful, independent, self-confident and happy. Yet many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached. They don't know how to respond to frustrated partners who just want their mates to show up and grow up."

I'm not advocating that this book -- or Chris Rock's movie or my friend's experience -- present an accurate or complete picture of marriages today. But there's a grain of truth in each perspective. I know men who stay in marriages to remain involved in their kids' daily lives. And I know several women who've left their children's fathers because they could, financially, far more easily than my mother's generation. Men's and women's ties to family have both changed in the last 25 years.

What do you see? Have you stayed in an unhappy relationship to maximize time with your children? How is your approach to marriage and kids different from your parents' generation? How are men's and women's changing roles transforming marriage and parenthood today?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  March 13, 2007; 7:12 AM ET  | Category:  Conflicts , Dads
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