I agree with you whole heartedly.

It is obviously hard for a woman to deal with leave issues and pregnancy...but one that is not addressed is men and leave. The expectation for women is that they will take 12 weeks ( a time I think is too short). But men are looked at even more skeptically when they want anything more than a couple weeks after the birth of a child. I took 5-6 weeks after each of my kids and was looked at as quite the renaissance man!! I would have taken 12 if I had enough leave and could ever take a day off again! Unfortunately the idea of paid parental leave for men is mostly unheard of. That is something I would like to see change.

Second, dammit!

What is your point? You had low/mediocre expectations of yourself and when you've exceeded those expectations, you're looking for a medal and a parade. Weird.

Am glad you figured out your own balance, but a rather ordinary and boring story. New topic suggestions, anyone?

Motherhood is a higher calling than work. The problem comes in when there is an expectation that she can/should have it all. The expectation is that we all need to have a fabulous career with promotions and pay levels that are the same as those who do not interupt their work. It may be old fashion, but I believe we need to elevate respect for women, and men, who put raising a family on a higher plain than work. Once the kids are grown they can then put their primary emphasis on work.

Curt

"It may be old fashion, but I believe we need to elevate respect for women, and men, who put raising a family on a higher plain than work."

How?

Maybe this blog won't resonate with everybody, but I thought it was great. Granted, this blog could have been written by myself it is so pertinent to how I felt when I told my work that I was pregnant a second time.

I got pregnant with baby #2 when DS was only 15 months. Part of me felt like I had just HAD a baby and what would they say when I announced that I was pregnant again? Ironically, well into pregnancy #2, I'm by far the most productive (well, at least if you measure by billable hours, which my work does) attorney in this office! I sometimes think I need to work that much harder than everybody else now to justify being out for 4 months. In any case, I really liked this blog today. It raises a point we haven't touched too much upon here in "OnBalance" land.

Curt: If we elevate respect for men and women who put raising a family on a higher "plain" than work what does that mean for those of without kids? Are you saying society should treat us with less respect? Are we second class citizens?

Great guest blog, Melissa. I imagine it is nerve-wracking to tell your boss you're pregnant again so quickly after having your first. Sounds like you handled it really well.

HappyDad - Every man I've known who took paternity leave (less than six in my 20+ year career) was looked at as a Renaissance Man! Especially if his wife was a SAHM...people couldn't figure out what he was doing at home. Pathetic. I too look forward to the day when it is normal for men to take paternity leave to bond with their babies, take care of their older children, and help their wives during the early, nutty days of an infant's life.

And I agree this is a great Guest Blog. At some workplaces, one kid is looked on as great, but more than one and people start looking at you like you are a pain. And they start wondering -- is she coming back? But if your work performance stays strong or gets better, usually they pipe down.

As a working mom pregnant with her 2nd child (first less than two years ago also), I was really surprised by the author's approach in this guest blog. While I can understand trepidation about telling the boss that you are pregnant -- especially if you have reason to think the boss may not be receptive -- I really don't understand how the author seemed to agree that she should feel guilty for deciding to have a second child. The bottom line is that unless you're of the school of thought that thinks women shouldn't be in the workplace at all, this is going to happen and businesses need to work around it to retain valued employees. In the author's case, she doesn't seem to have even asked for anything exceptional -- i.e. longer than the FMLA 3 months of leave, a flexible schedule, or, yeesh, somewhere to pump other than the backseat of her car. I don't mean this post as a mean spirited attack on the author -- it's just that I would like for women to feel that we have a basis to stand up for ourselves, rather than apologizing for dealing with the basic realities of combining work and reproduction.

I can totally understand how parents, especially moms, work extra hard when they get back from maternity leave. I feel like I have to put in more hours and work harder when I get back from a week-long vacation. I can imagine wanting to live at the office if I've been gone for 3 months!

But I am totally amazed that parents of newborns can function in the office because they are so sleep deprived. On rare occasions when I don't get enough sleep before work, I am like a zombie. I have to admit that I am not a good worker when I'm tired. It's very hard to concentrate and easier to miss things.

And, not to take away from the opinion of the guest blogger, I think that many life changes make people better workers. For example, when I got married, I really buckled down at work because I had spent a lot of time planning and organizing the wedding and I needed to redirect that energy and focus. After we bought our first house and started budgeting better, I took work more seriously because I saw how important my contribution was to our finances.

"For example, when I got married, I really buckled down at work because I had spent a lot of time planning and organizing the wedding and I needed to redirect that energy and focus."

Wha every boss wants to hear...planning a wedding on the job.

I also found it was more work to organize to be gone (on vacation, on maternity leave, and eventually when I quit to move with my family) than to stay put and do the job.

I was very nervous to tell my male, childless -by-choice boss that I was going to be out on maternity leave. I was equally nervous to tell my two male, childless (one married and childless by choice, the other single) coworkers, realizing that they likely would be the ones to pick up the slack while I was out (in the end, they weren't - they borrowed someone from another department to fill in).

In the end, everyone was incredibly supportive - my one coworker (married, no children) actually photographed my growing belly throughout my pregnancy as a "gift" for me.

Don't fret about those posters today who are pooh-poohing your blog - these are real issues and not easy to deal with. Sounds like you've done a great job!

I like the blog -- brings back all of that emotional angst, and the satisfaction of figuring out how to make it all work.

I didn't worry so much about telling my boss about no. 2 -- the firm has been so loyal to me over the years that I really had no reason to be concerned. I was mostly worthless through my pregnancy -- knew it, stressed about it, but never heard one word about it from them.

I second HappyDad's comment about paternity leave for men. My husband's boss thought he was being hugely generous by offering three whole days -- which actually was generous by his company standards, because most people just had to use vacation days. But still. Yes, he didn't have to deal with physical recovery like I did. But there's still sleep deprivation, constant feedings (and I do mean constant -- boy want freaking insatiable), etc. I think it would have been better all around if we could have shared that more equally. But I wasn't about to make him get up at midnight and 2 and 3:30 and 5 AM when he had to get up for work at 6 anyway.

I will say, once you get through that initial exhaustion and figure out a routine, having kids definitely made me a better worker. I tend to be deadline-motivated, and not so efficient when I don't have to be. When I was single, there was no real need to get out early -- what, I was going to get home to watch the early news instead of the late news? Yee-haw. Now, I need to leave to get the kids from daycare/school -- and even if I didn't have to, I WANT to get out to go see them, which helps me kick it into gear.

And speaking of kicking it into gear, off to it.

I wonder how many single women in the office had to pick up the slack for your choices.
Had to finish your projects. Had to work longer hours because you weren't there. Had to do extra work that was beyond their job description.

You see, there is another side to this -- it's the OTHER WOMEN in the office who have chosen not to have kids, but yet, we are expected to go along with this charade.

After you have kids, when little Jimmy has a cold, you get to leave -- no questions asked. You get first dibs at Christmas vacations because, well, let's be honest -- why do we single people want to celebrate christmas anyway? We don't have kids! After being up all night nursing and changing little Jane, you get to come in late -- no questions asked. Yet, we single women with no kids are expected to come in on time, do the work, WORK LATE because we don't have kids, and never question when you want to leave.

Where is my 12 week leave? Oh, I forget. I don't get one. I just get to work extra hours during everyone else's.

There is a growing discontent amongst the ever expanding pool of women who are choosing not to have kids -- I know it because I'm one of them and I've stood around the water cooler listening to the complaining. We're tired of picking up the slack for women who do. It's getting old.

"There is a growing discontent amongst the ever expanding pool of women who are choosing not to have kids -- I know it because I'm one of them and I've stood around the water cooler listening to the complaining. We're tired of picking up the slack for women who do. It's getting old."

So when do you gather arms, rise up, and start the revolution? FREEDOM!!!

"I second HappyDad's comment about paternity leave for men. My husband's boss thought he was being hugely generous by offering three whole days -- which actually was generous by his company standards, because most people just had to use vacation days."

About 3 years ago I ran a large engineering group. I had a young, just out-of-the-military engineer move from the West coast to join our DC-based operations while his wife due with their first child 'any minute'. Because he was a new employee, he had no significant leave saved up [and what little he had was taken up during their move] -- and as a company we had no mechanism to enable him to take time off -- our hands were somewhat tied.

The day after she delivered he reported to the office. I handed him one of the text books I had sitting behind my desk and told him that I would like him to take some training on it -- and that I anticipated it taking at least a week -- and that it didn't require him to be in the office during that time. He asked if there was anything specific he should focus on -- I just raised my eyebrows -- he finally caught on, thanked me, and took off the rest of the week.

Sometimes you have to make due with what you have.

Almost everybody needs some time off from work due to family emergencies. I was just out for over two weeks and I received nothing but support from my co-workers. Time off isn't just for child-related issues. If you are the one always complaining then others may not be so interested in helping you when you need to be out.

Your boss was not legally allowed to in any way, shape, or form admonish or criticize you for having another child. Or, to suggest you look for work elsewhere. That would be illegal.

And people have multiple children while working all the time.

Taking "leave" to care for a newborn or a sick child is quite the oppposite of rest and relaxation. Where do you get that impression? Are you the type of worker who uses sick leave because you "just need a day off?"

"[It is] just that I would like for women to feel that we have a basis to stand up for ourselves, rather than apologizing for dealing with the basic realities of combining work and reproduction."

I definitely agree with this sentiment, but this one falls in the category of "easier said than done". Perhaps it depends a bit on the industry and who you work with, but for many of us, it is hard not to feel somewhat guilty about taking maternity leave (especially paid ML). Perhaps "guilty" isn't the right word - it is more a feeling of anxiety about how ML and motherhood will affect our careers and the perceptions of our co-workers. I've worked really hard to get to where I am and have built a great reputation for a hard-working, smart, dependable attorney. And once you are pregnant, you start hearing comments like - "won't it be nice to get a paid 4 month vacation!" or "what a nice break it will be for you". These aren't meant to be mean-spirited comments, but it does make you feel like your co-workers think that you spend your maternity leave on a beach or something, working on your tan.

And when you have two kids back-to-back, the comments seem to increase in frequency.

Do I wish my otherwise nice colleagues would get a clue? Of course! But in the meantime, one can't help but feel a bit anxious about "having to prove yourself" all over again. And the reality is that - in this day and age - you DO have to prove yourself again when you have kids, because many many people think that you will be a worse employee b/c of it!

Where is my 12 week leave? Oh, I forget. I don't get one. I just get to work extra hours during everyone else's.

Ask if you can take a sabatical.

"For example, when I got married, I really buckled down at work because I had spent a lot of time planning and organizing the wedding and I needed to redirect that energy and focus."
"Wha every boss wants to hear...planning a wedding on the job."

Well, I guess that could be misconstrued. Let me try again. Planning and organizing a wedding after work and on the weekends left me frazzled at work. After the wedding, I felt like I had so much energy because of the free time, so I could work harder while at work. I also learned some valuable organizational skill, which I put to work.

Not that I feel the need to defend planning a wedding at work. The few phone calls I made at work and the one Excel spreadsheet I created and updated probably equal the amount of time smokers stand ourside on breaks or lactating moms spend pumping. What's that word again... balance?

Melissa you are making me feel like a slacker! You only took off a few months-- I took off YEARS before coming back to my job! Imagine the trepidation I felt informing the boss of my second pregnancy after that! I'm planning to not stop working this time (husband has paid paternity leave for 2 months-- wow!) so hopefully I'll make it up to my employer for all the time I spent off with my first.

On the other hand, maybe I did the right thing for my employer by taking all that time off-- they didn't have to pay for a sleep deprived, mommy in the workforce back with my first as they most likely will this time around.

People take off all the time. They take off for maternity leaves, operations, caring for sick elderly parents, etc. That's why there's the Family and Medical Leave Act. Having to accomodate for these times that people are off the job is just part of doing business. People aren't machines (although, interestingly, machines do have "down time" too). People are human beings with lives. And having them do the work of running the company means that you have to plan for "downtime."

It's funny how each choice brings a whole new set of fears and balancing act issues. I liked the blog; thanks.

For people who are complaining yet again that they have to pick up the slack - complain to your manager or director or whatever. Sure, in a small shop that will happen - for everyone, whether it's food poisoning or mat leave or a dying parent.

But in a larger organization if people cannot plan for a 12 week absence that they know about MONTHS in advance - there is likely a serious management problem. Part of this comes from companies who consistently under-resource things (have worked in them) so that everyone is stretched to the max all the time.

That's not good business overall - it helps the bottom line in the short run, but when a bad pasta salad at the monthly staff meeting can take your organization down because everything is urgent and everyone is at full capacity, you've made a mistake. (BDTD, lost the contract.)

I was one of those women who didn't have kids and wondered if the ones who did have kids got special treatment. I had the same attitude as "Another Women". But, at age 42 I adopted my daughter and did not get the FMLA time off. I brought my daughter home on a Friday, and went back to work on Monday and placed my daughter in daycare. No, I didn't have any birth recovery time, but it would've been nice to have been able to stay home to bond with my daughter. Now I can see what I thought before was special treatment to mothers (parents), but this is really just life for those of us who want to be parents who also need to work, and the people who do not have children are also part of this society which needs to provide support to those who will be the raising the furture of our society.

To Another Women: I hope that nothing ever happens to you or to your spouse/parent/etc. where you will need to take some time off. Would you have the same angry attitude to a woman who found out she had breast cancer and had to take off 4 months for chemo?

Maybe it is because I'm a mom (or just a decent human being) that I wouldn't for a second get annoyed for picking up the slack a little.

And - you know what - I'm a much better employee than MANY of my single colleagues. I know this because I'm TOLD as much by other attorneys and my clients. So - except for those 4 little months I'm gone, I'm probably picking up the slack for people like you who - though single - may not be as good as employees.

Honestly - you just sound bitter about "choosing" to be childless.

I probably should mention that all the time I took off with my first was unpaid. bu ti knew i had a job waiting for me when I was ready to return.

A manager friend recently hired someone who within 10 minutes of the first day of work announced they were 4 months pregnant. That means in 4-5 months that person will be out on leave. Discrimination acts protect the woman from losing her job; nothing protects the employer who now will spend this time period training someone who will be going out on leave in 4-5 months leaving them short for 3 months minimum and wondering if she'll be coming back. Manager friend was upset she didn't disclose pregnancy during interview; however, it was noted that she most likely would not get hired most places (even though protected by law) if she had announced her pregnancy. This is a situation where as a women you need to be very sensitive to your employer and realize their point of view. The womens point of view is generally they need a paycheck to keep a roof over their head or medical insurance. The employers point of view is they need an available employee to do a specific job and that is why they are hiring for the position that you are taking; but will be leaving vacant for a couple months leaving the employer in a lurge again.

In other cases; if you have been an employee for a while and you get sick/maternity leave benefits as an employee - why feel guilty? That is probably one of the perks that helped make your decision to take that job. Work with your employer to arrange coverage while you are on leave and things will work out one way or the other. It is all about mutual respect between employee and employer.

My boss, who is a smart woman, probably knew this already. She didn't hit the roof or chastise me for procreating. She didn't insinuate that I was a poor employee or that I should look for a job somewhere else. Instead, she smiled and stopped nodding -- even if she was still a bit stunned.

_____________

Who knows what she was thinking. But saying anything illegal to you, would have caused her to lose her job. Y'know, she doesn't live at work...she lives at home. Your maternity leave probably makes things tougher at the office. But that's just part of working. Did it really bother her personally--no! Did she really think about what you were going through personally, or how motherhood would affect you--no! Did she know she had to legally let you take maternity leave. Figure out how to handle the work while you were gone. And then, expect that you would pick up your work load when you got back--yes! It's business. That's business. Does she really truly care about your personal life--NO!

Said it before, will say it again: childless employees who get angry at employEES with kids should be angry instead at employERS who do not handle maternity/paternity leave adequately. It is legal to have children. It is ILLEGAL to discriminate against people because they do or don't have children.

You are NOT picking up any slack for your co-workers. You are picking up slack for the company. Big difference.

If you direct your frustration in the proper direction and talk to your bosses, HR and top executives about the problem, constructive change might happen at your workplace. Otherwise, you are doomed to eternally complaining by the watercooler. Because your co-workers are NOT going to stop having kids. But your employer CAN make things more fair for you at work by compensating YOU for picking up the so-called slack.

I think this is a great post and addresses some very real feelings. It is too bad that we feel guilty about having an impact on the workplace when we take maternity leave, but its natural. I know I have also felt my share of guilt for having to ask co-workers to pick up the slack, or to ask for time off from my boss. However, I have come to the conclusion that if you are effective, people will value your work and overlook the time off, etc. I totally agree that having children has made me a better, more focused and efficient worker.

Twelve weeks?? I returned to work after 6 weeks(8 weeks for C-sect) for all three of my children. Must be nice to have such generous leavetime.

I have an 8 mo old and my boss seems terrified I'm going to come in and say I'm having another child. We have an office of 6 people, so I know it's hard, but with a staff of young women, it's got to be expected. It's so frustrating that the boss has 2 kids, but implies that it's not ok for the rest of the crew because it's such a burden on the agency.

I wonder how many single women in the office had to pick up the slack for your choices.
Had to finish your projects. Had to work longer hours because you weren't there. Had to do extra work that was beyond their job description.

You see, there is another side to this -- it's the OTHER WOMEN in the office who have chosen not to have kids, but yet, we are expected to go along with this charade.

After you have kids, when little Jimmy has a cold, you get to leave -- no questions asked. You get first dibs at Christmas vacations because, well, let's be honest -- why do we single people want to celebrate christmas anyway? We don't have kids! After being up all night nursing and changing little Jane, you get to come in late -- no questions asked. Yet, we single women with no kids are expected to come in on time, do the work, WORK LATE because we don't have kids, and never question when you want to leave.

Where is my 12 week leave? Oh, I forget. I don't get one. I just get to work extra hours during everyone else's.

There is a growing discontent amongst the ever expanding pool of women who are choosing not to have kids -- I know it because I'm one of them and I've stood around the water cooler listening to the complaining. We're tired of picking up the slack for women who do. It's getting old.

Posted by: Another Woman | July 16, 2007 08:40 AM

You know what's getting OLD? This crap!

I am a mother and I ALSO pick up the slack for OTHER MOTHERS!! Isn't that a shock?!

It's called living in a SOCIETY and being a feeling NORMAL human being! How cold can all of you bitter single childless women get???

I never took maternity leave - I quit to be a SAHM for 3 years, but now that I'm back at work, I make it a point to help out new moms because I know that I would've needed help!!!

You know who I pick the slack up for more than any other mom in the office?? THe executives! They are on vacation CONSTANTLY. The play golf constantly.
The President of my compsny is so rarely in the office. And he's not doing something as important as RAISING A CHILD. He's slacking off because he thinks he deserves it. Why does he deserve it?

A child deserves its parents more than executives need 4 week European vacations, in myopinion! A child deserves better. It has nothing to do with YOU or the MOM. It's about the child.

I finally got the Mommy Wars book. And I have to say, I am firmly in the camp of parttime/flextime schedules or staying at home. It is in no interest of any child to have a mom working 60-80 hrs/week. the reasons for it are selfish.

I had a different boss the first time I was pregnant. I told him I was pregnant as soon as I found out because I was having problems. He told everyone in a staff meeting that I was pregnant. I could care less what he thought about it because of his lack of respect for my privacy.

This time, I have a great boss who also had problem pregnacies. I am working from home and have had an easier time. Where I work, employees have anywhere from three weeks leave to almost two months, so I cover for people who are out all the time and I don't whine about it.

People have children, their spouses get cancer, their mothers and fathers get sick. If you can't deal with it, maybe you shouldn't be working at all another women.

9:17 AM said "A child deserves its parents more than executives need 4 week European vacations, in myopinion! A child deserves better. It has nothing to do with YOU or the MOM. It's about the child."

I agree, a child needs its parents more than executives need 4 week vacation. But if it's really about the child, as you profess, why did you go back to work?

I'm really getting tired of the constant refrain from the poor, beleaguered single and childless folk. Most of us who are now married and parents have been there too - do you think we were born married with children?

I don't recall having to do extra work for women with children and now I manage a group that is made up of (mostly)young, single childless folk, a couple of older people with grown children, and some 30-ish childless by choice. The only other one with a child is the supervisor who reports to me. Guess which have used up their sick leave already this year or are near to it? Neither of us with children. Two single, childless ones have none left (one took care of her sick mother; the other had scattered personal illnesses).

My group has 12 people in it. I know we are not representative of the world at large, but what I've seen in my nearly 25 years at work does not reflect this whinging attitude that some of the singles and childless bring to this board. And no, I don't agree with everything the parent/married set says either - I'm just addressing an annoying repeated refrain that I'm especially fed up with.

With that - back to work.

Leslie, that is a very important distinction. It's not the fault of the worker that the other employees are picking up the slack; it is the fault of inefficient management. Talk to your boss if you feel slighted. That's the only way things are going to change.

BTW, it's not just childless people who pick up the slack and complain. Everybody in the office, childless or not, picks up the slack when anyone, childless or not, is out of the office.

"The President of my compsny is so rarely in the office. And he's not doing something as important as RAISING A CHILD. He's slacking off because he thinks he deserves it. Why does he deserve it?"

Duh! Cause he's worth a lot more to the company than you are?

I did this. I was interviewing while in my first trimester. You wouldn't have known I was pregnant just by looking at me. I told the HR director once a job offer was made to me. I wanted my future boss to know what he was getting into before I took the job. I had six months on the job before I left on maternity leave.

The way we worked it out was to get a temp to do the day to day recurring stuff. I planned to come in for a week each month that I was out to do the detailed work. Well on paper it was a great plan except that my son arrived two weeks early. So I went to work when my son was two weeks old because there were things that I was responsible for handling that a temp couldn't do. In the end it all worked but having the baby early sure did throw us all off.

9:17 AM said "A child deserves its parents more than executives need 4 week European vacations, in myopinion! A child deserves better. It has nothing to do with YOU or the MOM. It's about the child."

I agree, a child needs its parents more than executives need 4 week vacation. But if it's really about the child, as you profess, why did you go back to work?

Posted by: All about the child | July 16, 2007 09:23 AM

that was me at 9:17, forgot to fill in the name.

I financially had to go back to work. We had blown through all of our savings, and then some, in those 3 years. It was tough for me, and it still is some days, but we flex our schedules so she's in preschool as little as possible. I'm hoping that once a coworker comes back from maternity leave that I can do a 7-3 schedule. We'll see. But I'm not plannig on having another child ofr quite a few years since I wouldn't be able to stay home again.

Jesus, what is it with these people who want a cookie for spreading their legs and getting knocked up. WHO CARES?

We give women all these choices, and they still whine and gripe about it.

I think we all can agree life was much simpler when women who wanted kids stayed home.

I was once interviewing while I was 2 months pregnant...and I was very open about it with employers. I was offered several jobs, too!

Jesus, what is it with these people who want a cookie for spreading their legs and getting knocked up. WHO CARES?

We give women all these choices, and they still whine and gripe about it.

I think we all can agree life was much simpler when women who wanted kids stayed home.

Posted by: | July 16, 2007 09:35 AM

_____________

LOLOLOLOL! Dumb post...

A woman being interviewed can disclose that she is pregnant, but the interviewer cannot even ask if she has children or if she wants to have a family, much less if she's pregnant, or risk a discrimination charge.

Now, if she mentions she's pregnant, then the interviewer can ask follow up questions since she volunteered the information.

We give women all these choices, and they still whine and gripe about it.
______________

Who is "giving" women these choices????? Men? Should we little women be grateful to these men for these choices? But, as your post insinuates, we should really just stay at home. And you use "Jesus" name in vain, too. You're just charming.

Jesus, what is it with these people who want a cookie for spreading their legs and getting knocked up. WHO CARES?

God, yes, please give me a cookie. I am pregnant and hungry!

"My first maternity leave had cost the company valuable resources including money, suspended goals,"

And don't forget the effect on the replacement - hired for a short time and then let go.

I wonder how many single women in the office had to pick up the slack for your choices.
Had to finish your projects. Had to work longer hours because you weren't there. Had to do extra work that was beyond their job description. Posted by: Another Woman | July 16, 2007 08:40 AM

Don't be sexist. Single men had to work longer and harder too in order to cover for her. Married men without children had to work more too. Maybe even married men with children had to cover for her also while their wives whined about them not having a "work/life" balance.
Over 30 years when I was a young lawyer, another woman lawyer hired on the same day announced she was preggers and going to take maternity leave. Shortly thereafter I had over ½ HER cases dumped on my desk. I promptly scooped up the files, marched down to the head of the office and dumped them on his desk. I informed him that I was already pulling 60-70 hour weeks and I was damned if I would do her work on top of mine - she had chosen to get pregnant, to stay pregnant and do the leave-return thing so she could just bloody well do her OWN work. He took the files.
And for the sanctimonious whining that a "large" organization should be able to plan, that WAS a large organization.
No business, large or small, has excess staff sitting around drinking coffee to pick up the slack. Someone else HAS to do the work. Question how much all of the others get stuck with.
"Would you have the same angry attitude to a woman who found out she had breast cancer and had to take off 4 months for chemo? Posted by: londonmom | July 16, 2007 09:00 AM "
No one CHOOSES to have cancer or a heart attack. Pregnancy is a CHOICE. Big difference.

"Your boss was not legally allowed to in any way, shape, or form admonish or criticize you for having another child. Or, to suggest you look for work elsewhere. That would be illegal Posted by: kattoo | July 16, 2007 08:48 AM
And in the REAL world, any competent labor/employment counsel can show an employer how to keep a paper-trail that will justify firing ANYONE. It is easy. There are all kinds of ways to get rid of any employee and make it stick. I practiced labor law for decades. Give me six months and I could get rid of any employee even if they had previously been fired, reinstated by the order of a US Court of Appeals and were trying to be the 'perfect' employee.
You don't refuse to hire, fire or do anything else based upon the person's race, age, sex or other no-nos. You get rid of them for "not being a good fit" or "due to a structural reorganization."
Face facts. It does not matter WHAT your job is, no one is so valuable that they can not be replaced. PERIOD.
"But, at age 42 I adopted my daughter and did not get the FMLA time off. I brought my daughter home on a Friday,"

FMLA does not apply to adoptions. The M in FMLA stands for MEDICAL!!!!
By the way, there is NO legal requirement for maternity leave. It is only mandated IF the employer allows medical leaves for things such as heart attacks, cancer or broken legs.
Work for an employer that does not have a leave policy if you have a heart attack? Dorry, no leave for pregnancy.

I work at a family-friendly company in Ohio (workweek: 35 hours, full-time). Women are periodically dropping in and out of maternity leaves, brief stints of part-time (one of our VPs as well), etc. Unfortunately, the men do not take paternity leave beyond a few days, but overall, our office exhibits a lot of "flex-time" for everyone, and men do take advantage (as well as a lot of single people -- play golf, etc).

When I was pregnant, I planned a full maternity leave of 3 months. My company contacted me early on and asked if I would be willing to come back part-time for 2 hours a day, then 4 -- and extend my leave accordingly until I was full-time again. This worked wonderfully, starting at about 6 weeks from the beginning of my leave. Luckily, I had a wonderful birth (no c-section thanks to my midwife, but that's another story) and was able to enter a situation that I felt was beneficial to both my company and myself. I plan to do it again with #2 if all goes well.

One caveat: I have a home office and DH was home to watch baby #1 during my work hours. But I still believe this situation is a good one, even if you must commute. Babies can often be brought to work at this young (and generally quiet age).

ann glad you are not my lawyer.

FMLA-http://www.dol.gov/esa/regs/compliance/whd/whdfs28.htm

LEAVE ENTITLEMENT
A covered employer must grant an eligible employee up to a total of 12 workweeks of unpaid leave during any 12-month period for one or more of the following reasons:

for the birth and care of the newborn child of the employee;
for placement with the employee of a son or daughter for adoption or foster care;
to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition; or
to take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition.

The F in FMLA stands for FAMILY!

To Another Woman:
"We're tired of picking up the slack for women who do. It's getting old."
So what do you expect will change? Will women stop having babies to placate you?

Kattoo

"I was once interviewing while I was 2 months pregnant...and I was very open about it with employers. I was offered several jobs, too!"

You are probably a lot better looking than me.....

This post demonstrates the importance of having a history in your workplace before and during your childbearing years. I always advise younger women thinking about kids that they should stay put in one job (or company) and develop their relationships with their coworkers and bosses. It is a lot easier to have kids and take leave when people know you well and trust that you will get your work done, and/or if you've covered for others in the past and now they can return the favor. I worked my socks off at my job for 6 years, and when I had my kids, everyone was wholly supportive because I had really paid my dues, and had a long history of having come through on the job. And guess what, some of those young childless people who covered for me back then are pregnant now, and I'll be covering for them.

"The F in FMLA stands for FAMILY!"

F stands for family?

mamasan

Yes, your post is correct and dead on.

Leslie

Every man I've known who took paternity leave (less than six

FEWER, not less.

Great point, mamasan. That is very true, in my experience.

"It is in no interest of any child to have a mom working 60-80 hrs/week. the reasons for it are selfish."

Well, then I'm damned if I do (selfish if I work 60 hour weeks) and damned if I don't (slough off work on my coworkers just because I'm a mom). And people wonder why moms feel guilty!*

* Except for me. I don't give a damn what any of you whiners think.

Yes, pregnancy is a choice, but what do you propose, Ann, that we all stop procreating so that poor single workers don't feel like they have been treated unfairly?

Since I'm in a feisty mood (must be those pregnancy hormones), I could argue that people do in fact make choices that often lead to heart attacks, cancer, etc. Smokers? Unhealthy eaters? I'm not saying they CHOOSE to have a heart attack in the same way that people choose to have children, but come on! Our (being working moms) choice to have children BENFITS society. It isn't a relatively huge cost to society even WITH paid maternity and paternity benefits. And the cost is FAR FAR less than the cost of even just one illness - diabetes.

Countries with dwindling populations, like France, encourage people to have children for a reason! Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?

"Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?"

Comments like these irritate me greatly. There is no guarantee that having a child means you will have someome to take care of you later in life. It's a dangerous, selfish reason to have a child!

I meant "us" as in "society". Did not mean to imply that I expected my children to take care of me personally when I get old. I have significant savings and retirement and insurance for that.

It was more the general point of - who do you think is going to be paying for social security in the future? For medicare/medicaid? For social benefits generally? The future generations, duh!!

"Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?"

I think they mean as a nation.

KLB wrote at 08:48 AM: "Almost everybody needs some time off from work due to family emergencies. I was just out for over two weeks and I received nothing but support from my co-workers. Time off isn't just for child-related issues. If you are the one always complaining then others may not be so interested in helping you when you."

*clap, clap, clap*

Congratulations on your second child. No person should plan the size of their family based on job requirements. We need to build a more family friendly world. I like the Swedish model where mothers are given a one-year paid maternity leave.

We do not have a problem with declining population in the U.S; If you really want a child, why not adopt one who needs it?

Or if you really want to have a child, understand that it's your decision (presumably) and you should not be given the same rewards as someone who decided to work those 4 months instead. You may think the little human you create is God's gift to the world, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to agree.

If companies give a reasonable amount of flex time to all sexes, with or without families, then this wouldn't be an issue; however, few companies can afford to give out such generous benefits to everyone. While I understand that mothers (or fathers) of newborns are not vacationing in Maui, they are still not working because of a decision they made about priorities. And as to the examples of lung cancer, etc, this is why some companies have moved very strongly to stop employees from smoking- to prevent them from getting sick and losing the organization money.

"Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?"

Comments like these irritate me greatly. There is no guarantee that having a child means you will have someome to take care of you later in life. It's a dangerous, selfish reason to have a child!

Man, people really are as stupid as they want to be!

Wow it must be Monday morning! I am a young worker without children and I don't understand the attitudes some have on this blog. I've been a nanny so maybe I have more sympathy but it doesn't bother me if parents take off to care for their children. I promise, work will not come to a screeching halt because a parent is gone to care for a sick child. So much paid work is meaningless anyway. I only become annoyed at the smokers constantly taking a break or the people endlessly on the phone discussing their personal lives. Other than that, c'est la vie! Work is not the only thing in most people's lives. It certaintly isn't in mine.

"Man, people really are as stupid as they want to be!"

How is that stupid? The initial post didn't really clarify society as a whole, not individuals.

"Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?"

Why? Is their a global population shortage?

Another Woman,
My question to you, "Who the heck do you think is going to be managing your retirement fund, staffing your doctors office, and changing your adult diapers when you are no longer able to do so yourself?" My friend, it is the children of these coworkers of yours. For at least the first several months they are managing on a few hours of sleep to do in a day what you probably take three to accomplish. You just don't get my sympathy. Anybody with a brain should understand that bringing up a new generation, and bringing them up well, is probably more important than anything else going on. So you work a few extra hours to make up for somebody on maternity leave, as far as I'm concerned that's part of your investment in the future, you should pat yourself on the back for being a good citizen and stop your *&$(tching.

Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?"

Why? Is their a global population shortage?

We live in America, not the whole damn world. So, yes, if people stop having kids here there will be a shortage.

I just want to share a comment from a poster on Judith Warner's NY Times blog. The topic is guilt over not being able to attend children's school functions.

"Finally, somebody speaks up about the unreasonable expectations our society has for parents. At work we are supposed to work as if we have no families, and at school, we are to pretend we have no jobs."

I also felt weird telling my boss I was pregnant this last go round. It was less than 2 years after the previous time. This was my second pregnancy at this job but my third child. It went just fine. I wonder if part of me expected negativity in part due to what seems like a loud anti-child bias in society. You know, one child, okay. Two children, if you must. But three, are you crazy, why would you do that, you're using up all the earth's resources, etc.

"Man, people really are as stupid as they want to be!"

How is that stupid? The initial post didn't really clarify society as a whole, not individuals.

If that needed to be spelled out for you, then sorry, you are kind of stupid.

"How is that stupid? The initial post didn't really clarify society as a whole, not individuals. "

A common issue in blogs is that posts are often somewhat ambiguous. As a result, you can typically take one of two approaches:

(1) Assume the poster is an intelligent person with something worthwhile to say, attempt to read the post in that light, and politely ask clarifying questions.

(2) Assume the poster is an idiot, read their response as such, and insult them based on your misinterpretation.

Your choice of approach probably speaks more to your substance than their ambiguity speaks to theirs.

What really needs to happen is very tough, enforceable law that makes it very expensive to discriminate against pregnant workers and protects their jobs.

"If that needed to be spelled out for you, then sorry, you are kind of stupid."

Well. Maybe squirting out a loaf or two or ten like you probably have will make me smarter! Thanks for imparting your gracious wisdom.

Go make us another of your pwecious loaves, will you? Do something productive.

MY wife, too is pregnant, again when the little one was only 15 months. While I am excited I am extremely worried because she just started a new job. I was like WTF are you doing?? I would have never told her to not take it, since I want her to follow her carrer whereever it takes her. I was just worried that somthing terrible might wrong.

She's been there for a month now and hasn't told them yet. She says she will tell them once she starts sticking out in her scrubs (she's already sticking out when naked. I just hope that her job will be supportive of her.....

Melissa, great blog and I am right there with you! First time is easy; the second time you already know what can/will go wrong while you are away from work, even with a supportive boss and a replacement. I just found out I am pregnant with #2 and will be telling my boss in another month or so -- seeing all these comments is really helpful for perspective.

"Who do you think is going to take care of us when we are all retired?"

"Why? Is their a global population shortage?"

"We live in America, not the whole damn world. So, yes, if people stop having kids here there will be a shortage."

Right Einstein and Irving Berlin should have stayed where they were born! Duh!

I finally got the Mommy Wars book. And I have to say, I am firmly in the camp of parttime/flextime schedules or staying at home. It is in no interest of any child to have a mom working 60-80 hrs/week. the reasons for it are selfish.

Posted by: | July 16, 2007 09:17 AM

Right. Because selfless would be letting the bank foreclose on our house, signing up for food stamps, and not having health insurance for any family members.

Selfless would be kicking my husband out of the house and off my health insurance policy after he was laid off because I can't support him AND our children on the part-time job I'd like to get.

Selfless would be compounding our problems by either dumping on my colleagues (according to you, their lives are less important than mine, so I'll work 40 hours - they can pick up the slack and work 90 - 100) or getting myself fired, since my employer is part of an industry that, in order to be competitive, operates with the expectation that employees are salaried and will do whatever needs to be done in order to keep the work here and not in India.

My great-grandmother worked her butt off as a peddlar in order to scrape a few pennies together so that her children, grand-children and great-grandchildren would have an opportunity for a better life. I've got doubts that she propped her heels up on a tree stump after X hours because she was seeking balance. She was seeking 600 sq. feet with indoor plumbing. Three generations later, with no "inheritances" other than wits and work ethic, we're doing our best to get by and our family shares to meet emergency needs. Last year, one family member was ininsured and developed a terminal illness. We're not all part of the landed gentry, you know. We do the best we can with the opportunities we're provided and you can keep your assumptions and wagging finger to yourself.

"We do the best we can with the opportunities we're provided and you can keep your assumptions and wagging finger to yourself."

Ah, but there's the rub. What else do these sharpefaced harpies have to do, but wag their fingers and cluck their tongues?

I think we all can agree life was much simpler when women who wanted kids stayed home.

Posted by: | July 16, 2007 09:35 AM

Except for the Queen of England and old money Yankees, for centuries, in American and elsewhere, most women have had to return to work soon after giving birth, whether they were maids, slaves, working in a mill or factory, cleaning homes, janitorial services, seamstresses, waiters or flight attendants. Get your head out of your rear end and read some history, lad.

"(2) Assume the poster is an idiot, read their response as such, and insult them based on your misinterpretation."

Isn't that what ON BALANCE is all about?

Scarry -
Would one virtual choco chip cookie help? Or maybe a walnut cookie? Just one though... My rule is wait 15 minutes after one cookie before allowing myself to think about having another. Usually something pops up and takes my mind away from the cookies!

Right Einstein and Irving Berlin should have stayed where they were born! Duh!

Doesn't seem like those are the types of people who are now coming to our country, but keep up the wishful thinking.

When my mother had cancer and was hospitalized for 6 months, plus follow-up chemo and rehabilitation, I used my vacation time to go home and take care of the house for her and Dad. Cooked meals, cleaned house, did laundry while she was an invalid. Where was FMLA then?

FMLA is not given in lieu of vacation. It allows you to use your vacation/leave time without penalty or denial for family emergencies.

"so I'll work 40 hours - they can pick up the slack and work 90 - 100) or getting myself fired, since my employer is part of an industry that, in order to be competitive, operates with the expectation that employees are salaried and will do whatever needs to be done in order to keep the work here and not in India."

This is what I see as the biggest obstacle to achieving balance. Why do we consider 40 hours per week to be slacking rather than working full time? Why do we continue to aspire to careers that put such demands on the time of the employees? Maybe we are fighting the wrong battles. In addition to worrying about maternity and paternity leave and BF pumping rooms, we should worry about reasonable full time schedules for all, and reasonable family leave policies for everyone whether it be for maternity, paternity, elder care, illness or personal fulfillment such as a break for educational enrichment or volunteerism (helping Katrina victims, Habitat for humanity, etc).

"Right Einstein and Irving Berlin should have stayed where they were born! Duh!"

"Doesn't seem like those are the types of people who are now coming to our country, but keep up the wishful thinking."

How can you tell?

I can sympathize with Melissa and others who have had this situation. My two kids were 14 months apart, and you can do the math. I had only been back to work for six months when I announced my second pregnancy. I wrestled with how to handle the situation for weeks before finally spilling my guts when my wardrobe endured a "makeover" (and I knew people would start talking). It wasn't easy, and I experienced similar feelings of guilt and anxiety, but in the end it worked out. Sure, some other people had to chip in while I was on leave, but I have been returning those favors when other people are out on 2-week vacations, out tending to sick relatives, and the like. Do I also realize what a terrific benefit paid maternity leave is? Definitely. But is it all glory? No. For instance, I know that I won't get the "credit" for time served as if I was there for those 2 maternity leave periods. Someone else will get promoted first because I haven't put in as much time as they have. Is that fair? Of course.

to 11:25: if the law was in place, you most definitely could have used FMLA. You have to ask, though - no employer's going to offer.

Great guest blog, Melissa!

Those criticizing employers have to appreciate that there are a wide variety of jobs and industries and some workers are more fungible than others. Their criticisms might me true for some workplaces, e.g., if your colleagues are being dumped on, that's an employer problem, but are not true for other workplaces, or for all roles in other organizations.

Our workplace is, for the most part, well-managed. Like most large organizations, we are divided into small specialized teams. Nonetheless, we have no business need for multiple specialists in certain/many areas though, or to restate, there is not enough work in certain specialties to support more than one person doing that work. On top of that, each of us has client-specific background and history. If you combine these two issues, when some of us goes out, for whatever reason, colleagues are left to address the needs of clients with whom they have no relationship and outside their area of expertise. The net is that when we step into each other's shoes, there is a drop-off in the quality of client service, a drop-off in efficiency, and an increase in stress for the colleague.

For the naysayers, before anyone takes planned time off, she or he meets with colleagues and does a brain-dump of client-background and status info. but we simply are not fungible. If one of us left, a new hire would be made. If one of us is out and returning, everyone just has to deal. Generally, no one has a problem with this, understanding that what goes around, comes around, but we are each keenly aware that our time-off comes at the expense of everyone else's balance and some client discomfort.

and as for what my boss said when I told him I was pregnant with our daughter? He dropped the f-bomb, which was so inappropriate we both burst out laughing.

Last time I checked, public corporations were in business to provide returns to shareholders. So unless women can offset the loss to shareholders when they get pregnant and cost the corporation money with higher efficiency than men at other times, they should not be hired. It's that simple. GOD BLESS CAPITALISM!!!!

"When my mother had cancer and was hospitalized for 6 months, plus follow-up chemo and rehabilitation, I used my vacation time to go home and take care of the house for her and Dad. Cooked meals, cleaned house, did laundry while she was an invalid. Where was FMLA then?"

No offense but thank God the government did not force your employer to pay you during this voluntary time off. It's sad about your mother, but no way should your employer or I - as a taxpayer -- have to pay for this. Sometimes life sucks. Well, get over it.

"Where is my 12 week leave? Oh, I forget. I don't get one. I just get to work extra hours during everyone else's."

Quit whining. Are you really eager to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave? Whee!
If you need unpaid leave to care for a family member, you get it just the same as everyone else. I'm SOOO tired of hearing people without kids whining because they are treated unfairly, as if that's somehow the fault of parents. If there are benefits you want but are not getting, take it up with your management!

MN - sometimes I wish I worked for your boss. He may something inappropriate, but at least he has a sense of humour!

I just took a positive home pregnancy test Friday. I'm terrified to tell my boss.

I was on lots of bedrest for much of my last pregnancy. My boss still expresses hostility toward me for it. I know she'll be angry when I tell her.

No offense but thank God the government did not force your employer to pay you during this voluntary time off. It's sad about your mother, but no way should your employer or I - as a taxpayer -- have to pay for this. Sometimes life sucks. Well, get over it.

You're an a**hole.

Right Einstein and Irving Berlin should have stayed where they were born! Duh!

Doesn't seem like those are the types of people who are now coming to our country, but keep up the wishful thinking.

Posted by: | July 16, 2007 11:25 AM

Nominee for today's Stupid Award.

"I just took a positive home pregnancy test Friday. I'm terrified to tell my boss.
I was on lots of bedrest for much of my last pregnancy. My boss still expresses hostility toward me for it. I know she'll be angry when I tell her."

As well she should. If your last pregnancy cost your company money, then it is perfectly acceptable for her to detest this latest irresponsible act on your part. She cares about her company. You clearly care about no one but yourself. You sicken me. I hope you are fired, lose your health insurance, and are forced to have your child by yourself. That will teach you.

Let me clarify -- I was not off from work for 6 months. I took long weekends and used vacation days throughout that time period for travel home and return, and helping out at home. I used vacation time because I can't afford to take leave without pay.

dotted, it hasn't been the same without you!

*high fives*

is everything okay, e.g., are you merely lolling around the pool and away from the computer this summer?

Make the choice--motherhood or career. Don't be so selfish. It's not fair to your colleagues to make them take on an extra load every time you want to feel like Wonderwoman. If having a second career in the family so you can drive a Lexus and own a big house are more important to you than raising your children yourself, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent. Children are not a status symbol that you pass off to a nanny for 18 years.

"I just took a positive home pregnancy test Friday. I'm terrified to tell my boss.
I was on lots of bedrest for much of my last pregnancy. My boss still expresses hostility toward me for it. I know she'll be angry when I tell her."

As well she should. If your last pregnancy cost your company money, then it is perfectly acceptable for her to detest this latest irresponsible act on your part. She cares about her company. You clearly care about no one but yourself. You sicken me. I hope you are fired, lose your health insurance, and are forced to have your child by yourself. That will teach you.

Posted by: Obvious | July 16, 2007 11:53 AM

You have got to be kidding me. One line and you're calling this woman "irresponsible" for getting pregnant. Does that mean you are only "responsible" if you never have kids and can spend all of your time working for the good of the company because that is all that matters? Get real!

"No offense but thank God the government did not force your employer to pay you during this voluntary time off. It's sad about your mother, but no way should your employer or I - as a taxpayer -- have to pay for this. Sometimes life sucks. Well, get over it.

You're an a**hole."

Ahhh, boo hoo. Were your little feelings hurt??? Then move to Sweden you Communist pig. GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! GOD BLESS CAPITALISM!!!! GOD BLESS GEORGE W. BUSH. And to you, you pathetic little worm, what are you, Al-Qaeda???? Stop helping the terrorists, you pathetic excuse for a human.

Make the choice--motherhood or career. Don't be so selfish. It's not fair to your colleagues to make them take on an extra load every time you want to feel like Wonderwoman. If having a second career in the family so you can drive a Lexus and own a big house are more important to you than raising your children yourself, then maybe you shouldn't be a parent. Children are not a status symbol that you pass off to a nanny for 18 years.

Posted by: FatherTheresa | July 16, 2007 11:58 AM

Another deep critical thinker. Between this one and Obvious, either we have Sybil the Troll to thank or we have a bunch of immature newbies on our hands.

No offense but thank God the government did not force your employer to pay you during this voluntary time off. It's sad about your mother, but no way should your employer or I - as a taxpayer -- have to pay for this. Sometimes life sucks. Well, get over it.

You're an a**hole.

Posted by: | July 16, 2007 11:49 AM

Nice attitude. Family in FMLA means more than just children. It includes close relatives like spouse, parents.

Guess you won't mind if your kids don't take any time off to help care for you when you're seriously ill (physically or mentally), because the message you're sending them is that job comes first.

I was doing a clerkship for a federal judge. When I told him about the first pregnancy, he was pleased for me and accomodated me (though none of his clerks had put him through this before). I got bedrested, and ended up being out around 8 weeks (exhausting my leave). It was a two year clerkship, and six months after the first birth, I had to go in and tell him that I was pregnant again. I was terrified. He just stared at me, and said "You do know how this happens, don't you?" I didn't hesitate, responding "Yes, and we've put an end to that I can assure you." After that, we both laughed, and it went just fine. I don't know that I've ever been so nervous as I was going into his office that day, though.

Will the WaPo PLEASE follow their own rules and either ban or require anonymous posters to provide a name? For all anyone else knows, every one of the anonymous comments (polite and vicious) could be coming from the same person.

BTW, FMLA only applies for businesses with a certain number of employees; my wife will not be able to take advantage of it when she has our child (no, not yet) since she works for a small business.

"... job comes first."

Thank God someone finally gets it. That's what separates us from the rest of the world. Go shop in Wal-Mart, in Target, and in Safeway. And if you complain about it, then go to Iraq. GOD BLESS YOU GEORGE W. BUSH. GOD BLESS YOU DICK CHENEY!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU CONDI RICE!!!!!

I know this has been said before, but just to clarify - isn't FMLA unpaid leave? I work for a small company, so I know it wouldn't apply to me.

FatherTheresa

"Children are not a status symbol that you pass off to a nanny for 18 years."

Why not? I did it with both of my kids.

To John L:

It is so sad that you do not believe in free speech. Would you be willing to go back in time and live in the U.S.S.R. under Andropov. It would make all of us so much happier.

Why is it stupid to be able to see that most of the illegal immigrants have no skills or education? Sure, it was a stupid post to a liberal.

John L

"Will the WaPo PLEASE follow their own rules and either ban or require anonymous posters to provide a name? For all anyone else knows, every one of the anonymous comments (polite and vicious) could be coming from the same person."

How will that change anything?

Regarding the childless and other employees picking up the slack - Those of you exhorting us to blame the employer have a point for longer, planned leaves like maternity leave, but I wonder what world you're living in when it comes to the sick leave/snow days/etc. that are incidental to having a child. PErsonally, up to a point, I don't blame the employer or the employee for the problems stemming from the latter. It's just part of life. But when a parent is taking off AT LEAST one day a week, I blame both. The employee for not planning better or accepting a job with less responsibility in exchange for having to work less time, and the employer for not dealing the chronic absenteeism. And before anyone invokes the sick/disabled child defense, it still shouldn't be my problem or my employer's that an employee can't be there reliably and we shouldn't have to "deal" with it, except to the extent that the employer can fire or demote.

By far the biggest problem that I have with certain parents are their delusions about their own talents and availability. Most parents are no better or worse as employees, bosses, or coworkers than anyone else. A few, however, refuse to acknowledge that they don't have the time or the ability to do their demanding job while raising their children. This creates scheduling problems, logjams, and a lot of blame-shifting, since New Mom refuses to accept that her spending less time at work has any negative effect on her job or anyone else's. THe worst parts of the whole situation are usually that (a)New Mom had amassed a lot of responsibility before having children, so she can cause a lot of damage, and (b) most of the problems could be averted if New Mom would just be honest with herself about her capabilities and PLAN accordingly.

I have no idea whether the guest blogger actually developped better organizational abilities after having children. Maybe she did. In my experience, most people retain the same qualities they had before childbirth. As for the improved ability to "give direction", I've had people speak to me in the manner she described. It usually ends with me and the offending person having a little talk about appropriate adult communication. Your coworkers aren't your kids and, unless you're in the military, you shouldn't be giving them "commands" as described, no matter where you stand on the totem pole.

THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********

You were built to have babies so HAVE THEM BABIES! Get you some, and get them babies!

You life is more than just a job. My wife quit a job she truly loved for a job that she loves ever more. And, this job -- our son and daughter -- love her back.

Eventually, she'll probably return to work, but right now, she enjoys being a mother.

Go visit William Kristol's online chat for an hour. You'll feel right at home there, with folks who think just like you:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2007/07/13/DI2007071301490.html

"Why is it stupid to be able to see that most of the illegal immigrants have no skills or education? Sure, it was a stupid post to a liberal."

Einstein & Irving Berlin weren't illegal immigrants, schmuck!

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

Say hello to our favorite hall monitor from high school. We respect you so much. But does your career as a call center representative allow you this ability to post while at your all-important job???

Einstein & Irving Berlin weren't illegal immigrants, schmuck!

But most of the immigrants who are here now are, a-hole.

"I know this has been said before, but just to clarify - isn't FMLA unpaid leave?"

Yes, this is correct. All that larger companies are required to do is save your job for you if you have a family medical emergency for a maximum of 12 weeks. They do not have to pay you (most don't). My understanding is that a company only has to give the 12 weeks unpaid leave if they are over 50 people and if the employee has worked for 12 months+. FMLA leave can be claimed in order to care for yourself, your child, your parent, your spouse, and a few others based on if they live with you and dependent they are upon you. Just one of the reasons you might take FMLA is for having a child.

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

"THERE ARE MANY POSTS ON THE BOARD TODAY THAT VIOLATE YOUR POLICIES. DO YOUR JOB, PLEASE, AND *******REMOVE THEM**********"

To Another Woman:

Actually, not all of us childless women are as bitter as you and your friends are. I have worked late to cover for other women. However, I do come in late after spendng a liesurely morning with the husband or having a long work-out. My working additional hours has gotten me promotions and good bonuses throughout the years. Now, if I have a family I can have a lot of choices because of my hard work and saving. If we don't have children, I'll retire early.

So, not all of us childless women are complaining. I'll leave that to you while I get ahead.

MN - I wish I was lolling around the pool! Temporary family crisis involving my husband's mother (she has early/mid dementia) sent me off the computer for a while.....we went down to Sunset Beach over the weekend to recuperate. I'm ready to tackle yet another week!

What's really obvious is that you need to be spending more time working, instead of posting hate messages on the Internet on your boss's time. Don't want to lose that job, now do ya?

I hate to even sort of agree with any of the trolls, but....usually maternity leave is planned for ahead of time, so generally it's not a problem for the rest of us. It's the aftermath - never being able to count on a mother to be at the office! It seems something comes up at least once a week. Especially these days, when it seems every other kid is diagnosed with some sort of disorder (what is up with that, anyway?). I know it's a part of life, but I hate it when parents pretend it doesn't exist, or downplay it.
Just my 2 cents...

Eventually, she'll probably return to work, but right now, she enjoys being a mother.

Posted by: FRANK | July 16, 2007 12:11 PM

How sad that you anticipate that she might not enjoy being a mother any more if she returns to paid employment.

Signed,