For Henry

Welcome to the "On Balance" guest blog. Every Tuesday, "On Balance" features the views of a guest writer. It could be your neighbor, your boss, your most loved or hated poster from the blog, or you! Send me your original, unpublished entry (300 words or fewer) for consideration. Writers need to use their full names. Obviously, the topic should be something related to balancing your life.

By Jill Lakin Schatz

"Your baby knows how to be born." These words of a friend rang in my head during the delivery of my son, Henry, which was fairly brief and characterized by relief that he came out with all ten toes (I worried too much Diet Pepsi at the end of my pregnancy would reduce the number to nine).

But did I know how to be a mother? The early months of motherhood were filled with trying to be the perfect mother; to fulfill every need of this little creature. I breastfed before he demanded it. I pounced on anyone who made a sound when he was asleep or used a curse word in front of him. I wanted every moment of every day to be perfect. I hated myself when it wasn't.

My own mother was there all the time for me. She was at the breakfast table early in the morning before the sun had even risen because no one else could cut up strawberries with enough love and attention; she drove me to the top of our street to wait for the bus just so I would not be cold waiting by myself for five minutes; she made hot cocoa from scratch with tiny marshmallows floating on top. She has a certain smell, a sweetness and a special love for me that only I know.

As a mother myself, I hated how tired I was and how short-tempered. I hated the days I was in my bathrobe at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I hated that I could not get rid of the persistent flesh that hung where my waist used to be. My ex-husband was chronically unemployed and totally uninterested in our child. He hit me once when Henry was a little less than six months old. The police came. My ex-husband called the next morning from jail. "So, are you happy now? I will see you later." The order of protection prevented him from seeing me later; three more orders of protection kept him away.

Henry and I have been on our own since then. He is four now. I wish he had two good parents. I don't know how I will ever be able to explain the absence of his father without breaking his heart.

I will never forget the day my soulful and kind father sat me down at our kitchen table with the avocado green swivel chairs and told me he was an orphan. He and his older brother, Henry, grew up during the Depression and were placed in an orphanage because their parents did not have enough money to feed and provide for them. At 2 1/2, he was picked out of a sandbox by the woman I call my grandmother because he was the cute one with red hair. His foster family was told they could take "that one" only if they also took in Henry. They did.

My family today includes two guinea pigs, a dog, and a Siamese Fighting Fish. When Henry tells people about our home he adds Chloe, Oinky, Max and Flipper to the list of Mommy and Henry. I am making up in animals what we lack in people and stability, although I know that multiple pets and lots of love cannot make up for the lack of a father.

I hate that I am not the perfect mother. I grow impatient after I have told Henry 500 times not to flood the bathroom floor and spill all the bubble bath. I hate that I yell. I do not want my son to remember me as the mother who filled his world with "No's." I want him to know that I would have slain any and all dragons to keep him safe and warm and cuddled in his bed under the quilt with the brightly colored cars and trucks on it. I am his mother. I will make mistakes, probably every day of his life, but I am doing the best I can. I am doing it alone and I will keep doing it, every day, no matter what. I am doing it all, for Henry.

Jill Lakin Schatz is a single mother who lives in Briarcliff Manor, N.Y., with her son Henry and all the pets listed above. She has been a practicing attorney for more than twelve years.

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  November 20, 2007; 7:15 AM ET  | Category:  Guest Blogs
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