The Duplicitous Female Maze

A disturbing New York Times Modern Love column ran recently. It's about a 41-year-old woman reflecting on being raped in college and the collusion of her sorority sisters in the aftermath. Both sexes behave appallingly in Kelly Valen's tale of losing her virginity in an alcoholic stupor while her date's fraternity brothers watched from a nearby window ledge. (As an aside, the frequency of these so-called "Ledge Parties" and other bad boy behavior make me quake about sending my daughters out into the world of higher education.)

Afterwards, when she clearly needed a sisterhood of support, her sorority voted she was no longer "sorority material" and forced her out of her college home. Now, as the mother of three daughters, she wonders about a lifetime of navigating what she calls "the duplicitous female maze."

"In the two decades since, I've been a full-time lawyer, a working mother and a stay-at-home mother. In each role, I've found my fears about women's covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and motherhood choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don't have a clue where we stand with one another -- socially, as mothers, as colleagues -- because we're at once allies and foes."

My experience at work, home and in motherhood is starkly different. Surrounded by women in my family of two sisters and two daughters, and with my history of working in female-dominated industries, I've found a sisterhood of support. Not without its sharks, surely -- but more dolphins swimming alongside than vicious competitors out for blood. I think of the nurses who held my hand as I delivered my three babies, my female classmates at business school who kept an eye out for my ex-husband, my mother, the three best friends I've had since childhood, the boss who campaigned to let me work part-time when I was overwhelmed by juggling three children and a endless crush of responsibility at the office. But I have no doubt of the veracity of Kelly Valen's story.

What's your experience -- as a woman in the maze, or a man looking on from outside? Is the sisterhood of women a myth or reality? Or at times both?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  December 17, 2007; 7:00 AM ET  | Category:  Conflicts
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