Stepparent Two-Step

At a party recently I met a fascinating man. An adventurer who had been with the Peace Corps for several years, he had returned to the States and reunited with his long lost first love from high school, who in his absence had married, had a daughter, and divorced. A very romantic story.

Then I asked what it was like to be a step-dad to a 15-year-old girl.

"Awful," he said. "A totally impossible job. I am completely a third wheel, unwelcome, unthanked. But I love her, she's a great kid, and obviously I'm really happy about being with her mother. Everything I do is like training for a marathon. My goal is that in 10 or 15 years, all my hard work will pay off and we'll have a great relationship."

Good grief. I was surprised (and you know me -- thrilled) by his candor. It is really difficult to get stepparents to open up about how hard it is to step into parenting mid-stream. For obvious reasons, they are not eager to make a touchy situation touchier.

I was also taken aback by the reality of his situation. Stepparenting is "impossible" -- compared to living in Malawi? He's hoping for a payoff 10 to 15 years from now? Parenting and marriage are hard enough, thank you. But to go for more than a decade without gratification? Give that man a medal.

So let's dig into it here, behind the cloak of Internet quasi-anonymity. Do you have stepchildren? Were you a stepchild? Do you see good and awful examples of stepparenting in your life? What (if any) are the rules of finding balance as a stepparent?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  January 25, 2008; 7:00 AM ET  | Category:  Free-for-All
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