Spinning the Illusion of Balance

Welcome to the "On Balance" guest blog. Every Tuesday, "On Balance" features the views of a guest writer. It could be your neighbor, your boss, your most loved or hated poster from the blog, or you! Send me your original, unpublished entry (300 words or fewer) for consideration. Writers need to use their full names. Obviously, the topic should be something related to balancing your life.

By Katherine L. Farnham

It's Wednesday morning. My husband is on a plane to California. I'm driving to a distant meeting. I'm late because my dog threw up as we left. Meanwhile, I must rearrange my schedule for another meeting, apply to pre-K for next year and plan a long-overdue weekend party. My head reels with all I need to remember.

Then, my mother calls. Instead of sobbing about my insane life, I spin. I don't mention that I'm exhausted, or that juggling four faraway projects and motherhood is making me nuts. No, it's all "I've got some interesting new projects!" and "Everyone said yes to our invitation!" and "We think she has a good shot at getting in!"

I've always prided myself on coming from a family where you were honest about struggles rather than pretending life was just dandy. But the gulf between Mom's choices and mine has widened too far for honesty. I chose being a full-time consultant with two small children. Mom's choice was to work 10 evening hours a week and focus on her family and voluntarism. Luckily, Dad's income and her profession (nursing) permitted this balance, and she raised us to want the same. She disdained "those yuppies" who left their kids with Other People all day, climbed the corporate ladder and didn't volunteer for the PTA.

My choice means we have Things We Don't Discuss. Like day care (where my kids are thriving), or my frustrations at work, or my struggles to maintain balance when the slightest glitch can mean chaos. When I complain, Mom blames my working full-time, as if that's the only culprit. And maybe she's right. But I cannot admit that sometimes I wish I had her options or argue that countless working parents have a juggle far more challenging than ours. So, I spin instead.

I can still be honest with my peers, who face the same decisions, and who clearly have days when they fret over their own choices. But it saddens me that I can be so brutally honest about the down side of my lifestyle with friends I rarely see, or even with people I know only through a working parents' listserv, because I fear that my own family will use my choices to judge me as a parent and daughter. I miss being honest with my mom. But I also feel that if spin enables me to battle onward and upward without incurring her disapproval perhaps I can quietly prove that balancing my life is not only doable (on most days), but empowering.

Am I all alone in this? Do you censor or "spin" your real lives for friends and relatives who disapprove of your choices in life? What price do you pay -- and what benefits do you gain?

Katherine L. Farnham is an architectural historian and historic preservation consultant. She lives with her family in Chester Springs, Penn. She writes about family balance, modern culture, and preserving old houses on her blog, Spuddsoup.

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  February 19, 2008; 7:00 AM ET  | Category:  Guest Blogs
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