Wisdom of our Mothers

Monday evening. Nine-year-olds' basketball practice. Sitting on cold bleachers next to another mom. A five-year-old on each lap. Talk turned to the usual suspects -- work, homes and husbands. My friend had recently returned to work after nine years at home. She told me advice she'd been given by her Korean mother.

Marry a man who will be home for dinner.

Remember that even if you work outside the home, a woman will always be judged more harshly by the state of her kids and her house than by her career success.

We laughed at this terribly retro advice. We laughed extra hard because 10 years into motherhood, it seemed terribly wise.

My husband is rarely home for dinner, but he is home every second he can be. He coaches three soccer teams and two basketball teams. He takes the kids away for fun one-on-one breaks (whether it's to Sunday breakfast around the corner or New York City for a weekend) whenever he can. He is at the kids' school for field trips, performances and parent-teacher meetings as often as I am. The acid test: I'd love to be his kid.

The home and kids vs. work thing is dicier. I remember the home of one of my closest friends, an MBA graduate with a very stressful, lucrative more-than-full-time job. It was beautiful and expensive and so polished you could have eaten off the floor. Which was the problem -- her home didn't look at all lived in, and I secretly judged her for it and felt sorry for her three young children (relegated to an elaborate basement playroom).

My friend eventually became a stay-at-home mom and moved into a smaller, less fancy home. I'm happy to report it is a complete mess every time I visit. You could still eat off the floor because now there is food all over it. However, I'm not certain my friend is happier, although her kids definitely are. I've made the same sort of career sacrifices in order to have more time with my children and know first-hand that this is the conundrum of modern American motherhood, the rewards of selfishness vs. selflessness.

Do you remember your mother's words of wisdom? Have they proved true or false? What is your work-life wisdom for the kids -- and the parents -- in your life?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  February 8, 2008; 7:00 AM ET  | Category:  Free-for-All
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