The One-on-One Trick

Eleven years ago, when my first child was a few months old, I met a mom in Gymboree class. She had three kids. She asked me out for coffee afterwards, and we sat in Starbucks with our babies for 45 minutes, new mom alongside wise mom. I never saw her again, but she gave me advice I never forgot.

"How many kids do you want?" she asked.

I didn't know. I solemnly told her my husband wanted five. (This still makes me crack up. Five? We'd be dead.)

"No more than three," she said, definitively. "Because think about it -- you need some one-on-one time with each kid in order to be a really good parent, right?"

Knocked upside down and blissed out by early motherhood, I'd never thought about parenthood in such concrete, futuristic terms.

"Each week, my husband and I each spend about an hour one-on-one with each of our three children," she went on. "It's hard to find that time, believe it or not."

Here I am, eleven years later, the mom of three kids. Not because I think there is anything magic about three -- some parents barely have time for one, others can find one-on-one time with six. But her advice about the importance of "alone time" stayed with me. Carving out one-on-one time with each kid is sometimes a challenge amidst the chaos of work, coaching and volunteer responsibilities, making sure everyone gets fed and clothed each day, taking care of five pets, keeping up with family members and neighbors and avoiding e-mail avalanches. But for me, spending time alone with each child has become a benchmark of balance.

Two weeks ago, that same child I held in my arms in Starbucks went with me for an unforgettable 36-hour whirlwind to Disney World. My husband takes one of our daughters out to breakfast almost every weekend. Each morning in front of school, after the two older kids have ditched us for their friends, my five year old crawls into the car's front seat for our five-minute snuggle. Every day, at least one kid (and often all three) politely insists on "alone time" conversations that often ward off tantrums, meltdowns and internecine warfare. These private moments allow for intimacy, jokes, confidences and a brief respite from the conflicts, rivalries and tornados of living in a multi-kid family.

What about you? Did your parents spend one-on-one time with you as a child? Is it easy or impossible for you to find one-on-one balance with your kids? Do you think it matters as much as I do?

By Leslie Morgan Steiner |  March 7, 2008; 7:25 AM ET  | Category:  Free-for-All
Previous: The Sickening State of Paid Sick Leave | Next: Top Ten Tips for Going Back to Work

Name:

Comments: