One of my friends adopted two children. In one case, the child has two full-blood siblings. In the other case, the child has four full-blood siblings. In both cases, the birth parents are married to each other. How would you feel learning that you were the only one who was given up for adoption? And can you imagine having to reveal this to your child?

I think both kids are better off materially with their adoptive parents than they would have been growing up in poverty, but I question the long-term impact that being the "unwanted one" will have on their psyches.

"How do parents explain birth/non-birth
mothers to children as they get older?"

My diabetic sister adopted her first child, who is 9 years old right now. Explaining that she is an adopted child since birth is easy.

First of all, a child has to be mature enough to know where babies come from to understand the reality of adoption. Once that is understood, the parent simply explains that their child was born from a different uterus.

"oh, OK", says the child before running off to play.

I haven't met anyone that has an emotional attachment to their mother's uterus. I mean, when you visit your mother, does the reminder of the fact that you had once swam around in her tummy cross your mind? Yuck! I would venture to say that most people don't even want to think about it. Niether does the adoptid child.

I'm adopted, and am torn on the "open adoption" question.

Perhaps the only thing my parents ever did right was the way they talked to us about having been adopted. I never felt abandoned by my birth mother, or that I wasn't wanted by her. I never had fantasies about meeting her, and was never confused as to who my parents were. I learned recently that my birth parents got married after I was born, but that doesn't have much impact on how I view her choice to give me up.

On the other hand, I can't help but think my childhood could have been drastically different had there been a third parental figure in the picture. My parents may have been able to charm the social workers who screened them pre-adoption, but I think they'd have had a harder time hiding what really went on in my house from someone who was a more constant presence.

Then again, I don't think my parents would ever have consented to an open adoption.

My husband and I have considered adopting. My brother-in-law and his wife are trying as well, but have eliminated from consideration a big number of countries because of a DWI conviction during college.

I was born in 1974 and know several adoptees from the surrounding years (coincidentally, right around Roe and right ans single motherhood became more acceptable). This was back when almost all adoptions were closed. Of the 2 others that I am close to, one had found and has contact with her birth mom, one almost never thinks about it, and I have my non-identifying birth family info, but never went further (and I could, my state would release my birth certificate). I will agree with WorkingMomX that it is a bit disheartening to read your non-ID info and see that you have two older siblings still with your birth parents (mine were unmarried, both were half siblings). But it kind of cuts you down. I have no idea if open adoption would be better in that respect.

All three of us have serious deep seated fears of abandonment. More so that my other friends. Its very hard, even as an adult, to buy into the whole "your birth mothers loved you so much she gave you away" idea. Just as its a bit frustrating to hear adoptive parents talk about how wonderful they are for taking unwanted children. You can't have it both ways, folks.

Its so much more than a uterus! That is so insultingly ridiculous. Its genetics. Its knowing why you were unwanted. Sure, a 9 year old doesn't think much about it. But wait until 18, 20, 25, or when the 9 year old becomes a parent.

And your comments are insultingly ridiculous to all the parents who adopt and to adopted children, as well as to birthparents who choose to give up children because they realize they don't have the resources to give that child the kind of life they want for them. Kids need a lot more in life than just genetics. Do you think it's an easy decision?

My cousin in adopted - she is 36 and has 2 children of her own. When she got married and was contemplating getting pregnant she wanted to research her birth parents to see if she could get a medical history, but also she had always been curious about her birth parents. My Aunt told her that if she looked up her birth parents she would die from a broken heart, so of course my cousin never looked them up.

I thought this was unusually cruel and controlling. My cousin is an adult and had a good childhood and always knew she was adopted. My Aunt obviously felt threatened but she is being very manipulative. Are there any other adoptees out there that have experienced anything like this?

"Its so much more than a uterus! That is so insultingly ridiculous. Its genetics. Its knowing why you were unwanted. Sure, a 9 year old doesn't think much
about it. But wait until 18, 20, 25, or when the 9 year old becomes a parent."

My previouss post only tried to express how one explains adoption to a child.

I completely agree with you that adoption has a lot of adult considerations. As for the adopting parents, as well as the child moving into adulthood, the medical history, of the biological parents, for one thing, is very important. How this plays out in laws, rules and regulations of adoptive relationships deserves much discussion and consideration.

The curiosity that an adopted child has about their parents varies from person to person, and with my experience of having adopted friends and girlfriends, most of the curiosity is very light. Something like I have with a few cousins in Ohio. I know that they exists, hear a story or two every now and then, but as for visiting them, I don't really see the point of it.

I'm sorry if I insulted anybody by my previous post.

I wrote the comment to F04. For the record, I am an adoptee, who has had cancer, and my adoptive parents understand the need for genetic information. My oncologist, too, is frustrated by my not having family history information. And my parents are fully supportive of me trying to find my birth family's information, for genetics, and for the lingering questions.

Adoption is very personal, to the birth parents, to the adoptees, to the adoptive parents. Different people have different innate needs for information, as illustrated in "An adoptee's" comment. Some of us want or need that information (for personal need or medical need). Some couldn't care less.

I see what you are saying now. A apologize for saying you were insulting ridiculos.

Anyone who's interested in this subject should read Dan Savage's book The Kid, about the open adoption of his son with his boyfriend, Terry. It's a hilarious, intriguing, and occasionally pointed commentary about the adoption process, and it goes into some detail about the process of open adoption, as well as about the relationship they have with the birth mother.

My wife was adopted, and now that we're trying to start a family she'd like to see her birth parents' records to see if there's any incidence of birth defects (or multiple births!) in her family history. So far she has been unable to get those records, which both of us feel is very unfair.

She has never expressed an interest in finding her birth parents; they aren't her parents as far as she's concerned, she only wants to know if there's any medical concerns that her OB/GYN needs to know about when she becomes pregnant.

Better question, imo, is why is it, when we consider adoption, infants are the only ones discussed? This ceaseless lamentation about the dearth of white babies or, above, any babies at all? There are thousands of children in this country who could be adopted - who could provide the same parenting experience that families looking for babies-only claim to want. The children are out there, but our society (media included) seems to value newborns only. This story and the question above seem to suggest that parents will now "go to extremes" (ie, "open" adoptions) to get those infants... instead of opening their hearts and homes to children who aren't so lucky to be newborns.

Hurricanewarningdc -- Good question. Also -- why is it that the Black Social Workers Association thinks that only black families should be able to adopt black babies and children. Is that in the best interests of the children? Or is it racist?

My cousin and her husband adopted two children. The oldest child knows and has a relationship with her birth mother and family. The birth mother not only has older children and one or two younger ones. But this girl was the only one given up for adoption (she's the only one with a different father; long story). It seems to work for everyone, except I noticed, the last time I saw her, that when she mentioned her birth mother, she looked at my aunt (her adoptive grandmother), as if to seek permission to mention her own mother. Not surprising; my aunt is awfully overbearing. The other adopted child apparently has no relationship with the birth parents.

My uncle and his wife adopted a child. They didn't tell him this until he was a teen-ager. His response? "Oh, I knew something was going on." He wasn't really fazed.

I don't know if I would want an open adoption if I were an adoptive mother. Not because of insecurity, but because of the potential conflict. And it depends on the condition and circumstances of the birth family.

I have always wanted to adopt - never felt the need to have my own children. We haven't taken either step yet. I don't really understand the issues that the adopted kids have with abandonment issues. What I mean is, I do and I don't. What I see is that another person wanted to raise you - I sometimes think the struggle and expense that couples go through to have their own genetic kids is somewhat ridiculous considering that there are kids out there needing homes. Maybe I just don't feel the need to have kids - my own or adopted - and I know that I need to work that out before either happens.
What about all of the love that the kids DID receive because someone else DID take you in? There is definitely a right and wrong way to go about this - not one should say things like 'I am such a good person because I took you in when no one else wanted you' - but on the other hand - it does surprise me how often these kids feel abandoned rather than loved. I think it must have something to do with the fact that it much easier to believe something negative than something positive.
I think adoption is a great thing - I think having your own is a great thing - it is just needs to be all the right perspective.

Regarding adopting "older children" -- I wonder what the stats are on behavioral and other issues? All the "older" ones I've ever read about or known had behaviorial issues. Sadly one had to be sent away to "boarding" facility because he was just out of control and a threat to the other siblings.

I am an adoptee and so was one of my brothers. My other brother is my adoptive parents (my parents) biological child. My husband and I were also considering adoption from Viet Nam. We came up on road blocks when my three year old daughter (biological) was diagnosed with high functioning autism. She has a very mild case of autism and will probably be relabeled mild aspergers when she is in school. OK, I have a couple of things to say here. 1) I also read that open adoption piece. I think the one point that I came away with (by this one story) is that kids are not confused about who their parents are. They clearly had an established bond with their adoptive parents that super seceeded the biological tie to their birth mothers and the one birth father that was in the picture. But the really sad part was that the open adoption experience was extremely difficult on the birth mothers. These women made a very responsible and unselfish decision and deserve some piece of mind. This particular story really displays that there is no one fit solution to open adoption. Maybe the once a year phone call would have have given them piece of mind that their child was happy, healthy and thriving but not engaging a constant reminder of the child that they had lost (given up).
2) OK, on the point of feeling like the unwanted child. I know scores of adoptive families. In my own family and through adoption networks. I have to say feeling like you were an unwanted child is a very personal response. Some adoptees feel that way and others don't. A lot depends on the adoptive family and how they treat the adoption while the adoptee was growing up. I know in my case, I never felt unwanted by my birth mother. I absolutely knew the situation at the time of my birth and knew in my heart it was the best decision for my birth mother and myself to be given up for adoption. I feel half lucky and half sad. I feel so very lucky to be adopted into a loving family. To have grown up in this country with all its benefits of health care, education, and financial prosperity. But on the other hand, I ffeel half sad. Sad to have left my birth country. Sad to never fully know what it means to be Vietnamese. Sad to not be an integral part of culture and history that predates US history by more then a thousand years. But I have never felt sad that I was not part of my birth mothers life. It was my fate and my destiny to have been adopted. I know she did what was necessary to survive. She gave me the greatest gift which was life. If that was all she could give me, then that was enough.
3) I never had fantasies about my birth parents. Maybe the war situation made it difficult. I also never really considered trying to find them either. Although that is unique to my adoptive experience. Domestic adoptees have a whole another range of choices in finding their birth families.
4) Lastly, I will always believe that for the vast majority of adoptions, it is positive for all parties involved. There is no one fit solution in handling the adoptive versus the birth parents. And that the love between parent and child will always superseceed the biological link.
5) Oh I almost forgot. On medical history issue, DH was not adopted. I have found even when your spouse is not adopted, getting medical histories is still a challenge. People often do not have detailed medical histories on their families and some genetic conditions do not show up till the current generation.

I would love to see an adoption discussion that is not based on the assumption that adoption occurred because of the inability to conceive. There are many reasons why people adopt, and many of them do not include infertility.

"I would love to see an adoption discussion that is not based on the assumption that adoption occurred because of the inability to conceive. There are many reasons why people adopt, and many of them do not include infertility."

However, in many states that is exactly what the adoption agencies tell you; that if you're not infertile you will have nearly a zero percent chance of getting approved for adoption.

I'm a 41-year-old adoptee who can totally appreciate both sides of the open versus closed adoption issue.

Tracking down my biological mother five years ago was disappointing, to say the least. As a mom and a person growing older, I'd become curious about medical and genetic information, as well as the story of how I came to be.

The two-paragraph, non-threatening "The door is open if you'd ever like to make contact" letter apparently sent this woman into orbit. She responded with an angry and hysterical phone call to an intermediary...and I never received any sort of reply.

While I certainly understand that most of us have things from our past that we wouldn't want to come knocking on our doors, I do not understand how -- 41 years later -- someone can refuse to assist her own flesh and blood by providing the type of identity-forming information that we all deserve to have.

So this woman's fear of having her big secret revealed has apparently never gone away -- even after all these years, adult to adult.

Given her reaction (as it was told to me), I now REALLY have no desire to meet this person. But I still think I deserve to know my story. Doesn't sound like I ever will, though.

JohnL: That is interesting because that was not the case for scores of families that I know; including my own. DH and I are not infertile (to our knowledge) and if our daughter was not autistic, we would have no problems adopting internationally. Is the restriction for domestic adoption only? I read for VA, that fertile couples could only qualify for domestic adoptions of special needs or hard to place children (older children). Oh to answer why people want infants, I think the reason is just that people want the maximize the amount of time and influence of their adoptive child. A child of 14 is pretty much out of the house and fully formed. Even a seven year old, has their basic personality set in stone. You can't buy back those baby years. I don't think it is unreasonable for people to want children under age 3. Also the less time a child spends in institutionalized or foster care, the greater the chance of adjustment to their adoptive family and to a healthy life in general.

John L, is that really true about not being allowed to adopt if you are able to have biological children? That is horrible. We haven't even started the process but we've been talking about it, but from what you're saying, we might not even been able to get a foot in the door!

"I sometimes think the struggle and expense that couples go through to have their own genetic kids is somewhat ridiculous considering that there are kids out there needing homes."

Truth is, though, that depending on your insurance, fertility treatments can be much less expensive than adopting (especially an international adoption). As well, my company does not offer any paid leave for adoption, unlike paid maternity/paternity leave, and that is a cost expense. I had three IVF cycles, given birth twice, and that was considerably less money than our friends who paid in excess of $20K for a Russian adoption. We simply couldn't afford it.

WorkingMOMX:investigate international adoption. I don't think they have the same restrictions. Of course, they have a host of other restrictions.

AnnArbor: That is true about sometimes adoption is more expensive then fertility treatments. It just depends on your insurance coverage. BTW, I think it sucks that you would not get paid maternity for an adoption. If were to complete our Vietnamese adoption, (including travel), we would have paid around 30K but got close to a 10K tax refund. So although international adoption may be more expensive, there is some tax break. Also, some couples spend way more then 20K on fertility treatments. Just depends.

With me, rationally, I understand everything around my adoption. Logically, I understand why it wasn't abandonment. All that makes sense.

What I cannot, however, explain is the deep, gutteral fear that everyone who says they love me will leave. I believe, and there are some studies to back it up, is that it has to do with changing families 3 times before I was 6 months old. Those who are natural moms always say that an infant needs its mother to feel safe (and this is taken to the extreame with attachement parenting). Now imagine that infant changing hands 2 times (bmom to agency, agency to parents)? All the understanding in the world doesn't change that. We survive, we get through it, we are functioning adults who you would never really know are this way. But somewhere, deep down, a lot of adoptees feel this way.

That said, i think a LOT has changed over the past 30 years. Adoption is not the same as it was back when I was adopted. I was from the end of an era where teenage moms were shipped off to "boarding school" only to return 9 months later without their child. Birthmoms were not always given the choice to keep the child. Birthmoms were told their children had died and then the child was adopted out to a wealthy, white family. This is all documented in the history of adoption in this county, and its why Tenneesee has the most unique post-adoption law in the county. It all in out past, but realize that these are things adult adoptees in this country deal with.

Things are much different now.

Clarifying - TN is not the only state that has documented these problems in the past, its just the state that had the most unique reation to it.

Foamgnome: I completely agree. We were lucky to have good insurance and that the IVF worked for us, and twice (we only had to do two retrievals). I think it's a shame that our company (and many others) do not offer the same benefits to adoptive parents. It was a big factor in our decision process as we both wanted to spend time home after the child arrived. It just underscores that what is seemingly an easy decision - adoption vs medical intervention - is really complicated.

We adopted our daughter as an infant ten years ago. We have an open adoption and we were in occasional contact (holidays, birthdays, etc.) with her birth mother and grandmother for the first two years. When she had her second child the social worker at the hospital called us and asked us to come down. The birth mom wanted us to take this child as well.

We were immediately there (although I was 5 months pregnant at the time). However, the birth father of this child had attended the birth and seemed attached and ambivalent about the adoption. We decided that this would end badly and declined. They kept the baby. We saw them one more time and never heard from them again.

My daughter talks about her birth mom often and wants to meet her. (She has no memory of the earlier meetings, of course.) We feel that by cutting off contact, Birthmom has signaled that she wants privacy. I'm more comfortable with this as well.

We've explained to our daughter that it would be better to wait until she is older. Partly because we fear that the knowledge of a half sibling that was not placed will be hurtful and make her feel unwanted. We want her to be more mature before facing that issue. I love her so much and don't want her hurt, but I don't want to be overprotective (or selfish) either.

Any insights would be so appreciated.

Also, I just don't get the "you are so lucky we adopted you" thing. I have heard this from family members and friends. We were given a gift. It's a great privilege and responsibility when someone asks you to be their child's parent. We've been blessed.

This was a great story. It's of course the birth mothers right to decide who to let adopt their child, but I wonder if our white culture is making a mistake in this. It was pretty sad that there seemed to be loving and able relatives of the babies that wanted them but the mothers wouldn't agree. If it were more the norm to let relatives raise a baby the mother can't there might be less older children in foster care with challenges that relatives don't feel they can take on.

"Better question, imo, is why is it, when we consider adoption, infants are the only ones discussed? This ceaseless lamentation about the dearth of white babies or, above, any babies at all? There are thousands of children in this country who could be adopted -"

My youngest was two when we adopted her. This type of adoption is not for everyone. I recommend it when people already have a family and have room in their hearts, homes and lives for another child.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a baby, especially if you've never had one. It isn't easy being a parent for the first time, no matter what the circumstances. Go ahead and adopt a baby, but next time around, think about an older child.

We have two kids, both real, though they came to the family in different ways. Both know how they got into the family. Both know that they are wanted. They both have similarities to their parents, as well as dissimilarities. Did those similarities come from genetics or upbringing? Who knows, and ultimately, who cares. Both know that they are loved, and they give plenty of love in return, along with a few fights, good and bad grades, music we don't like, and all of the other family stuff. Above all they know that it is the love that makes them part of a family, just as the love my wife and I share began that family.
That love is a mystery, it is not a product of genetics or anything else we can explain, but it is the only thing that will ever make a family.

So many of your comments have touched on my experiences. As a then-31-yr-old single white woman living in Buffalo & looking to adopt (non-infant) thru the social svces systems, I faced significant obstacles. I was white, the vast majority of the kids weren't; I was single, they wanted a 2-parent family; & the icing on the cake: I'm Jewish. Social workers seemed to feel the children were better off staying in foster care for years than be placed with a single parent of different racial/ethnic/religious background. Some black social workers were adamant that placing a black child with me was totally inappropriate (despite the racial diversity in Buffalo & among my friends), & they couldn't understand why I wanted a black child (truth: I just wanted a child!); others seemed sympathetic but I think were hesitant to recommend such a placement due to their colleagues' views. After 4 yrs of trying to adopt thru social svces, I decided to pursue int'l adoption for a child from Jamaica. I had my ups & downs with that process but at no time was my intent questioned. After about 2 yrs of working w/Jamaica (a total of 6 yrs of trying to become a mom), I brought my then 25-month-old daughter home. Her adoption story was one of her favorite bed-time stories. We've talked about the circumstances of her adoption openly throughout her life, at age appropriate levels. She is very proud of her heritages - birth and adoptive - and has integrated them into her own unique self. She's now a HS sophomore. She has expressed interest in possibly looking to meet her birth mother & siblings when she's older, and she knows that I'm OK with that.

In response to hurricanewarningdc and to Columbia, MD, I can tell you firsthand that in adopting a non-infant (even a 2-yr-old) you're definitely getting a child with a partially developed personality and his/her own likes & dislikes, not quite the "clean slate" of a newborn - which is not to say that this is necessarily a bad thing nor problematic. We were very fortunate that my daughter had a strong bond with one of the caregivers where she lived, and she quickly transferred that attachment to me. And it can be an adventure to get to know your child; my daughter had this huge personality in a very compact package! I have had a number of friends who adopted older children (toddlers up to 9-yr-olds) and in most cases the adoptions were overwhelmingly positive experiences. Of the others, a few of the older of these children had some pretty troubled beginnings which were more challenging to overcome, so, yes, it is important to get as much accurate background info as possible particularly when adopting an older child.

To the 10:00am post ("adoption is a great thing..., having your own is a great thing"), I can only say that once you adopt a child - not only legally but in your heart - that child *IS* your own. I remember being asked (more than once) if my daughter was adopted or my own, to which I smiled and replied "yes".

Best of luck to all of you!

I have only been close friends with adopted children, I am not one myself, but I always thought the best way of explaining it is that 'You are unique and special because we chose you..we are so lucky to have been able to be your parents'.

This has become 'baby buying' instead of adopted. Wealthy people look at a list or photos and pick one out to buy. Sort of like going through a gift catalog, ya think?

There was a time that the adoptive mother had to quit work to stay home and care for the adopted child. It's ridiculous for a child to be adopted and turned over to a housekeeper to nanny to raise it. I wish they still had this requirement and that would show who really really wants a kid.

Anything about requiring genetic testing of the adopted child? My aunt and uncle adopted an infant, days old, out of the hospital. Turned out his mother was bipolar and he inherited it. He was a hellion during his formative years. Only meds and institutional care got him back on the right track.

Anything about requiring genetic testing of the adopted child?

There are no guarantees with a biological child either. My daughter has mild autism, a speech delay, a genetic disorder, and possible sleep disorder. She is my biological child and DH was not adopted. You can ensure the health and well being of any child. Unless your suggesting, we should have aborted our daughter based on genetic information in the womb. Not to mention any child can be hit by a bus and be parallayzed or disabled for life.

I meant to say you can NOT ensure the health and well being of any child.

You must read Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade.

This is a very good article, too. I plan to see the local exhibit soon.

http://www.newsobserver.com/105/story/567097.html

"'You are unique and special because we chose you..we are so lucky to have been able to be your parents'."

Thing is, thats not true. Look at the stories of open adoption, the birth mother chooses the parents, the parents do not choose the child. Even my story, my parents got me because their name came to the top of the list (and I was turned down by other parents because I had red hair, seriously!). There are some occasions where the child is truely chosen, but I think that, in most cases, it is not totally true to tell a child he or she was chosen.

My partner and I are white women who adopted two 12-year-old African American boys last June in P.G. Co. Our situation is unique because we have known them and their family since the boys were about a year old and were an obvious choice for placement when they went into foster care four years ago. Because we were not a licensed foster home, we had to quickly get licensed. We live in DC, so we had to contend with both DC and PG. Meanwhile, our boys lived in two other foster homes over two years. Our sons have two older siblings who live with the grandmother in a foster situation, but the grandmother could not take care of four children. Thus, the two younger boys went into foster care when the mother became unable to care for them. We have an open adoption with a mediated agreement that allows our sons to contact their biological family or vice versa whenever they want. They are allowed a monthly visit with the biological family, and more if a special situation arises, and we work out an arrangement. However, typically, there are few phone calls, and visits only happen every other month or so. Our relationship with the mother and other family members is amicable. How will this affect our boys emotionally? Hard to tell. We have been the only stable force in their lives since they are about a year old, and they know that. We talk about mommy and that we love her, but they understand that she could not care for them and don't seem to take it personally. We took some time adjusting as a family, but we more or less already had a familiar routine because of the monthly visits we had over the course of about 10 years, including when they were in foster care.
The boys don't particularly look forward to visits with their bio family because there is not much going on there, but understand it is a fact of their life. Sometimes they call and ask if we can pick them up early. They understand that their lives have improved substantially, and there is even some envy on the part of their siblings. But we try to have the siblings over occasionally and keep them as a part of the boys' lives. One of our biggest challenges is to help our sons develop lasting relationships. We're more concerned about the neglect and constant upheaval of their former life than we are about their feelings of abandonment. More than feeling abandoned, I wonder if some kids think of themselves as being chosen. I don't know. Both my brothers are adopted and know nothing about their history. One has abandonment issues, and one doesn't.
As for being gay, white parents with black kids, we sometimes draw stares, but really have encountered very few problems. PG Co social services and the PG County courts were wonderful and never batted an eye about our race or sexual orientation.
And one other thing---our sons are wonderful children and seem quite resilient to the challenges life presents them. We amble through life knowing we are a different sort of family, but we all take a special pride in that.

To the best of my knowledge, the restriction on fertile couples being put to the "back of the line" for adoption applies only to domestic, US state adoptions. Obviously if you've got the money you can adopt internationally (see: Angelina Jolie and Madonna for examples) without any other issue.

There may be states that don't have a "you must be infertile or at least haven't conceived after trying a long time" rule, but I don't know of any.

My wife's parents ended up adopting her after trying to have one of their own for years and years. Granted that was back in the 60's, but I know that both NC and VA have such a rule (no adoptive babies to fertile couples, or at least way back in the line).

I am in the process of adopting a child, and the process does have obstacles. But knowing several people who have adopted children, I believe this can be a wonderful way to have children.

Regarding many of the comments above, state laws vary greatly. Rules in North Carolina differ from those in Maryland. Within a state, agency policies differ. Some do require that the couple be married and can prove that they're infertile. Some are very biased toward one particular religion. But other agencies are much more open to people from different backgrounds.

Anyone considering adoption (domestic or international) - don't just go with the first agency you find in the phone book or online. Spent a lot of time checking out many different agencies.

That's something I've always wondered about adoption. With all of the orphans and unwanted children out there, why does it cost $30,000.00 to adopt one?

That makes no sense to me.

"That said, I think a LOT has changed over the past 30 years. Adoption is not the same as it was back when I was adopted. I was from the end of an era where teenage moms were shipped off to "boarding school" only to return 9 months later without their child. Birthmoms were not always given the choice to keep the child."

Unfortunately, I don't think this has changed completely. My husband's niece got pregnant at 13 (turned 14 during the pregnancy). This was in 2001. Her mother shipped her off to some religious camp for unwed mothers, and she was forced to give up her child to adoption (she was a minor, so apparently she had no say, even though she wanted to keep the baby). No one was allowed to visit her (we tried), including her non-custodial father, and there were no televisions, cell phones or computers allowed at the camp. Only school studies and intense religious indoctrination. We even sent her a package of stationary and stamps, thinking she would be able to write, and the institution refused to give her the package. We were horrified about the situation, especially that we could not give her any sort of support during this trying time.

To John L. - your statement is incorrect. I know from experience.

Why does it cost so much?

Because a lot of people are working to make the adoption happen, and like you and me, they expect to get a salary for the work they do. There are social workers who spend time educating a prospective adoptive family and write homestudy reports detailing the family's adequacy to parent an adoptive child. The social workers also usually do post placement visits to help the adoptive parents navigate the developing relationship iwth the child. There are social workers who work with birth parents to help them understand the process of placing a child for adoption and make sure the birth parents understand their rights, and make sure the birth parents truly want to place the child for adoption. There are workers who help parents complete the paperwork involved. There are workers (could be the social worker) who assists the birth parents in selecting the adoptive parents (not in all cases, but in many domestic adoptions, such as the one in the Post Magazine article). There are court costs for filing to make the adoption final. There are hospital fees, which someone has to pay, and if the birth mother doesn't have insurance, the adoptive parents sometimes end up paying. Sometimes the adoptive parents drive or fly to visit the birth mother during the pregnancy or pay for her to visit them. There are attorney's fees at several steps in the process. It is not baby buying, but fees for legitimate services.

Response to Bob: Why does it cost $30,000 to adopt a child? Most of it goes towards lawyers' fees and court filing costs, plus the cost of a home study and a ream of notarized documents. You may also be paying for foster care and medical care for your child while the adoption is being processed. Little or no money goes to the actual birth mother. Guatemala has a virtual cottage industry devoted to adoptions.

I should clarify when we investigated international adoption in VA, we were told by our home study agency that fertile couples would not be placed with healthy infants domestically. There was no such rule for international adoption and it was not a state wide ruling. It was this particular homestudy agency. Which by the way, was the most used homestudy agency in the state. I am not sure why they did that but my guess was because that infertile couples have priority over healthy infants. I am not sure that is such a bad ruling. As a fertile women with one child already, I definitely would have preferred that a child in need went to an infertile couple first (if all other things were equal).

As far as international costs, the numbers do make sense. The adoption agency only made about 5K off the adoption, approximately 2K went to homestudy agency, about 10K went to travel expenses, the rest of the money was distributed between legal fees to file the adoption and payment to the US and the foreign government. The foreign government is legitimatly reimbursed for the care that they gave your child for the first X months of their life. Hospital care, feeding, clothing, medical care etc is not free. The saddest part was the donation to the orphanage was only around $300. So basically the government and travel expenses were the largest amount of the cost. Again there is a tax refund of around 10K after you finalize your adoption. That makes up for any money that you paid to legalize your adoption in the US.

"There are social workers who spend time educating a prospective adoptive family and write homestudy reports detailing the family's adequacy to parent an adoptive child. The social workers also usually do post placement visits to help the adoptive parents navigate the developing relationship iwth the child. There are social workers who..."

Posted by: cost | May 7, 2007 12:56 PM

Blah blah blah. Where were all of these social workers when I had my kids? It's not as though my wife or I had clue #1 what to do when we brought our first home. Obviously that is all waste since if all of that supervision were truly necessary, it would happen in the absence of adoption.

Legal fees? Why not $50 in court costs?

Medical costs? Look, if I didn't adopt the kid, you'd have to pick up the medical tab, no? And who would pay for the 18 years of orphanage care if I wasn't adopting?

What a racket.

A woman I know adopted a boy from Russia. She subsequently turned him into a little monster, no manners, spoiled, selfish, rude to adults, totally obnoxious kid. (Actually, the acquaintance is a lot like that, too.) Now she's getting paperwork signed to adopt another one. God help us. Where are the social workers who screen out the people who might be totally unsuitable to adopt? Yeah, it is a racket. No wonder the rest of the world hates us.

There is no state that has a law against fertile couples adopting. Particular agencies or a state's department of social services may have such regulations, but there could not be blanket rules saying that a couple/individual must be unable to concieve in order to legally adopt.

I'm an adoptee interested in adopting one day. I talked with a counselor at a private adoption agency in North Carolina (specializing in open adoption) about adopting and specifically asked about the fertility issue, as my husband and I don't have any reason to believe that we couldn't become biological parents. She said it's entirely up to the birth mother. If she's fine with a fertile couple adopting, so are they.

Personally, I believe there are birth mothers who would be happy for a fertile couple to adopt instead of feeling like the only people interested are the ones for whom adoption is second to being biological parents.

"Is it healthier for adopted children to know the situation around the adoption and the love it took for their birth mother to have them and give them to another loving family?"

Kids who are adopted do have to come to terms with their unusual situation. You know what, the same is true of kids from divorced families, kids being raised by grandparents, kids with learning disabilities, kids who've lost a parent.

We do our best to give our daughter answers to her questions in ways that are age appropriate. I expect her to deal with it the same as I expect my son to deal with his special issues. Life is perfect only for a rare few. The rest of us need to do our best with what we have.

I have a friend whose husband died when her son was 5. She hates it when people can't get past her boy being the kid whose dad died. I feel the same about my DD. Yes, she's adopted and that's a part of who she is but there's a great deal more to her than just that.

A woman I know adopted a boy from Russia. She subsequently turned him into a little monster, no manners, spoiled, selfish, rude to adults, totally obnoxious kid. (Actually, the acquaintance is a lot like that, too.) Now she's getting paperwork signed to adopt another one. God help us. Where are the social workers who screen out the people who might be totally unsuitable to adopt? Yeah, it is a racket. No wonder the rest of the world hates us.

*****

This is nothing more than a subjective anecdote. Irrelevant.

"That's something I've always wondered about adoption. With all of the orphans and unwanted children out there..."

And people wonder why some adoptees have problems reconciling the feeling that they were unwanted or abandonded. The truth is, it does boil to to someone in the process not wanting you. No matter how much you sugar coat it, somewhere along the line, someone didn't want you. And all the want it the world doesn't take away that fact.

Again, you can't have it both ways. You can't call us unwanted and then expect us to have no issues.

Anon at 3:11: A lot of us are unwanted but kept by the birth parents anyway. There are a lot of unwanted accidents walking around with issues. Imagine growing up with a mother who can't stand to be in the same room with you and never lets you forget it. Suppose she says "Some day I'm going to walk out of here and never come back" almost daily. Or sits in the car letting you think she was leaving. Sure, everybody is unwanted by somebody. But the adopted kids know they'll be loved by the people who adopt them. Or at least they put on a good show about it. I've never been able to form relationships with anyone because our mother hated us from birth. Actually, she was angry at our father but took it out on the kids. We call her "Mommie Dearest."

1) Educate, educate, educate and keep improving on birth control methods

2) Eliminate the notion that most people need to procreate/raise children to lead full lives, IMO only very few people are called to be and actually make good parents

3) Eliminate the notion that 2 parent families is the "good and best" way. Step, extended, multi parent, and plenty of other families thrive. What matters is the support, stability, maturity and guidance- not numbers or genetics. In cases where the genetic parents can be, and where it is desired, I think it would be wonderful to remain part of the childs life.

It is very urpriseing to me that IVF is less expensive than adoption. And to clarify, if that is someone's choice, that is fine with me, really.

To the couple in DC who adopted the two African American boys, kudos and praise to you. We need many many more people like you to take care of our 'village.' I think the gay/lesbian community has a lot of great potential parents out there and I can't stand it when people have issues with gay/lesbian adoptions. What an example you are setting for all of us. Whatever you have done, it certainly sounds as though you have done it right.

As far as fertile couples not being able to adopt, don't know if that is true or not, but it is a terrible policy if it is.

I always wanted to adopt internationally, but it really sounds as though most countries doesn't really want any of their kids to come here any more.

I've been surrounded by Adoption my entire life. I was adopted, my brother was adopted, my wife is adopted, and my two kids are adopted (not to mention an adopted nephew and brother-in-law). Suffice it to say, I've been exposed.

There are as many adoption stories as there are adopted people - just as there are stories of childhood by any child growing up in a "bio" household. There are happy people and unhappy people. There are adopted people who obsess about their adoptive status, and there are adopted people who do not.

I was adopted in 1967 in a "closed" adoption and I'm respecting my birth mother's wishes and am not, ever, going to contact her. I never remember not knowing I was adopted; it was part of my life story for as long as my parents raised me (and my also-adopted brother). It was not a big deal, ever - by my parents, by school, by society in small-town Appalachia.

There are so many innaccuracies in items posted here that I'm not going to attempt to even to respond to them, except to say that if you have a bad adoption experience - or have heard of one - then just realize that some of them are going to go bad. That's life. There are lots and lots of bio kids with terrible problems and childhoods too.

By the way, my son and daughter were adopted at agest 2.5 and 4.5, respectively. Of course they come with personalities - and wonderful ones they are. You just have to go into adoption with eyes wide open and understand that nothing is ever perfect.

To the post with the abandonment issues: that could well be related to your adoption, but my best friend also has severe abandonment issues, and he is not adopted. You just never know: you play the hand you are dealt and live your life. You can do no more.

I'm the mom of an adopted son. We met the birth mom, but haven't had any continuing contact. I think that different degrees of openess work in different situations. The Goldfarb family described in the Wash Post magazine article is a truly remarkable one. I was moved by their openess and generosity. But many couples would not be capable of what they have done, and there are situations where an open adoption doesn't work out. Let's not become judgmental of loving adoptive families that don't have an ongoing relationship with the birth parents.

I am 25 years old and was adopted at birth. I have biological older and younger siblings from my birth mom. I've never felt sad that I was the one she gave up. On the other hand, I feel incredibly fortunate. Giving me up was the most unselfish thing my birth mother could have done. She knew that my parents would be able to provide for me better, and she also knew that they would love me unconditionally. I've always known who she was, but didn't actually meet her until I was 17. Compared with the kids she kept, I've had an incredibly privileged life (travel, ivy league education, loving family), while they have been subjected to divorce, financial hardship and gone on to lead lives much more full of despair than mine.

I feel like somehow I was the chosen one. And I'm so incredibly grateful for what she did.

Firstly, I want to say that anyone who isn't adopted can in no way understand what goes through an adopted child's head at various stages of his/her development regarding abandonment and how he/she fits into the adoptive family (and extended family). So any comments from non-adopted adults regarding the psychological issues facing adopted kids (yes, ALL adopted kids) are just hot air from people who know nothing.

Secondly, what irks me so much about stories like the Goldfarbs is the utter selfishness being exhibited by both the birth mother and the adoptive parents. The birth mom can't live with her decision, and the adoptive parents feel either indebted to her and guilty about shutting her out. Wake up, all of you prospective adoptive parents ! It's not about you ! It's about the kid.

Kids need a stable home where they are sure of who their parents are, sure where their homes are, and are secure in knowing that they are loved at that home by their adoptive parents and from afar by their birth mom.

What adopted kids do NOT need is the confusion and self-doubt that can and will come from ridiculous, selfish things like 'open adoptions'. They have enough of an uphill battle already in trying to figure out their lot in life without adding to the confusion.

And, yes, I was adopted.

"The truth is, it does boil to to someone in the process not wanting you. No matter how much you sugar coat it, somewhere along the line, someone didn't want you. And all the want it the world doesn't take away that fact."

***
I released my daughter nine years ago because I knew I was not ready to be a mother and her birth father was an alcoholic - I did not want her to be raised by two kids who didn't know how to live their own lives. Truly unwanted pregnancies end in abortion. Someone who makes the excrutiatingly painful decision to release her child to be raised by more fitting parents is not showing that she does not want the child, but that she desires the best for her child. I'm not saying birth mothers are heroes, but we are rarely heartless. I realize this is not always the case, however.

I've never been able to form relationships with anyone because our mother hated us from birth. Actually, she was angry at our father but took it out on the kids. We call her "Mommie Dearest."

Posted by: | May 7, 2007 03:56 PM

I'm sorry. That's really messed up. I hope you will be able to form relationships at some point, because you just can't let someone like that win. Unwanted or unloved doesn't make you unloveable or unlikeable.

A commenter said: "I always wanted to adopt internationally, but it really sounds as though most countries doesn't really want any of their kids to come here any more."

It is actually to the contrary. We are in the process of adopting from China. True, China has (as the blog post indicated) instituted new restrictions on adoptions. One of the main reasons, however, is the ever-increasing number of "applications". The number of children adopted in the U.S. from China (and many other foreign countries) has increased greatly every year since international adoptions began in those places. The number of "applications," however, has increased at an even GREATER rate, even as the number of children being relinquished APPEARS to have gone down (at least in China). The restrictions reflect, among other factors, an attempt to keep pace with the ever-increasing demand. The Chinese government's "China Adoption Center" (CCAA) has apparently hired more staff. The adoption process is complicated, time-consuming and costly. Tighter restrictions are one way governments can cope with the high demand to adopt without raising the already high costs of adoption for both adoptive parents and governments.

OccupationDad
( http://occupationdad.blogspot.com )

My husband and I adopted twins from Russia in 2003. As a result of the recent changes to the adoptions laws there, I fear that children are spending more time in orphanages. At the same time, orphanages aren't getting donations of money, clothes and medicines usually brought by American families.

Which is why ArkAngels for Russian Orphans is trying to raise $1 each from 1 million people. We are all volunteers, so that all the money raised can go directly to the orphanages. Check us out at www.arkangels.org.

To echo a previous comment, it is not only infertile couples that adopt. Adoption doesn't have to be a last resort. My wife and I are in the midst of an adoption. We chose to adopt because we love children and because there are many children in the world in need of loving homes. We've had no fertility problems. (We have one biological child.)

And yet adoption is not for everyone. Being adopted is a difference, a challenge (whether large or small) to cope with. Parents must at least be prepared to support their child in that.

That having been said, what good, healthy biological parent whose child happened to have a physical or psychological challenge wouldn't try to move mountains to help and support him and cope with it?

(My original version of this comment got long so I turned it into a blog post. So for details, see adoption post --
http://occupationdad.blogspot.com/2007/05/adoption-is-not-just-for-infertile.html

My comments above connect to my second point. In the ("On Parenting") blog post itself, Ms. Garfinkle wrote, "Maybe it's because I think the world of women who can give so much love to children who don't share their genes." I was surprised by that sentence. I thought, what healthy person wouldn't be able to love a child that didn't share their genes if s/he chose to raise him or her? It seems to me that sharing genes has very little to do with being able to love someone.

Having the personality and strength to be able to support a child who is adopted is different than the very ability to love him or her.

Maybe it was the author's wording. That remark just struck me as strange.

I believe every person on the planet deserves to know who their birth parents are. EVERYONE. Adoption sounds nice, but like parenthood the regular route, there are so many twists and turns that no one can predict how things will turn out. Just do your best.

The "blank slate" comments about newborns cracked me up! Kids are not blank slates, even when they are infants. They come into the world with their own personalities. Sure, you can teach them many things, influence them, and so on, but blank slates? Hardly!!

What about an adopted childs full blooded siblings? don't they have the right to be a part of thier life? won;t it make it easier for them to understand that they were adopted. My mother is going to have a baby in two weeks and is giving it up for adoption. I would love to be in his or her life. I just found this out a week ago, I was heart broken. I know my mother is not capable of raising another child, she could not even raise my sister and I. Comments please I am so lost.

KD17: I am sorry that this is happening to you. But legally speaking siblings do not necessarily have rights of visitation. In most states, parents and biological grand parents have rights but the rights of siblings is not guaranteed. One thing you might try is talk to your mom about the adoption placement. Some adoptive parents might be interested with an older sibling maintaing contact. As long as your not a threat to the adoption, placement an adult sibling contact might be welcomed. Of course talking to your mother would be the first step. Are you in a position to consider raising the child? That might be an option as well.