First!

I have 4 children including 2 fraternal boy twins; and they are all completely different. I have a sweet daughter who melts at the first suggestion of disapproval and a fiesty son who won't even look up unless there's a threat in my voice when I ask him to stop doing something. I have a shy twin with a smile that would melt a glacier; and a serious twin who rarely smiles. I have a natural athelete and a clutz; a child with great rhythm and pitch and another who can't carry a tune at all. As the author said, they all follow the same basic rules, but I connect with them differently and love different things about each one of them. They seem to notice the differences, but don't seem bothered with them. They seem to know that I love each of them enough that it doesn't matter that it's not the same.

I have two kids, and of course I love them differently. They are different people.

Each of them feels that he or she gets the short end of the stick, though.

I have two grown children. A son who I love unconditionally, and a daughter I feel detached from. Circumstances determined that outcome, and as hard as I think I try, the result is always the same.

We have four kids, and love them all equally.

But we love them in different ways, because they're different people. They each have their unique strengths and weaknesses; our relationship with each of them is different.

But that doesn't change how much we love them.

I love my biological children more than my stepchild. Not a second's doubt in my mind about that.

My wife and I have two kids, one boy and one girl. One's in college, the other in high school. The older has had some emotional problems (that have largely been overcome in the last year or so).

We don't love one more than the other, but we don't love them both in the same manner. We try our best to give each the love they need, when they need it, in the way they need it. Sometimes that means giving one reassurance and constant support - sometimes that means stepping back and giving one additional freedom.

Sometimes love means a hug. Sometimes it means not hugging in public.

Love means giving people what they need - not what you would enjoy giving.

My saying is that I don't love each of my 3 children equally but I do love them equivalently. They're very different from one another. So any outward manifestations of my love for them differs for each child.

I love my kids equally but not the same. They each have different temperments, talents and needs. My boys are very physically affectionate, they love to snuggle and give hugs. My daughter wants a quick hug. The boys require a stern voice to get them to tear away from an activity to come to dinner. My daughter is upset at the slightest hint of disapproval. They are still quite young so this could all change next year.

On ocasion, I go over my "Who is My Favorite" list with my kids. Sounds like a horrific parenting gimmick, but whether you say it or not, the kids know where they stand. Though each child desires to be at the top of the list, when they get their turn to list their favorites in order, they quickly find out that nobody is either at the top or the bottom of everyone's list.

My wife refuses to participate in these discussions, so the kids make out the list for her. Everyone pretty much agrees though.

My wife likes me the least. Ha! But she knows which child to send to me when it comes to taking the family out to dinner. Over time, the list does change, and sometimes its a temporary thing.

Just yesterday, the littlest one stomped right past me, up to his bedroom and bawled, "Daddy doesn't love me!" I didn't know what I did, maybe gave his older brother the last twizzler?

So I warned him, "If you don't stop crying this instant, I'm gonna come up there and show you how much I don't love you!!!"

The crying got louder.

Then the screaming stopped abruptly when he heard me stomping myself upstairs.

Then I grabbed him, pinned him onto the bed, and retorted, "So you think Daddy doesn't love you?? Well, I'll show you!?"

And I tickled his feat until he said "Uncle" 5 times, with a cherry on top, whipped cream, nuts, bananna...

When each of my 3 kids ask me whom do I love the most, they each can mimic my pat response that I HATE them all equally! When talking to them, they will all mention that I did a serviceable job of mothering them while growing up. Their biggest complaint about me was that I never spread the cream cheese well enough on their bagels.

Now that they're all adults, I share a close relationships with all of them and love each of them to death! Do I love one of them more than the other? Absolutely not! But each of them shares my love for them differently while they also share their love for me differently. Each of them has given me many grey hairs and I refuse to color my hair so I can show them the grief they caused me. But I also have these wonderful laugh lines on my face caused by them that I wouldn't botox either!

Sure giving birth to the first one connects you with them because they made you a parent. But when you're up to the last one you're an old hat at loving them!

I love my children equally. Sometimes when they don't get what they want they say, "You love ____more." My wife and I reply, "Yes, we do." It has become a game which I think confirms to them our equal love

I love my children equally, but in different ways - it's only natural. My mother always told me, when I was young and would ask her who she loved more (my sister or me), that she loved us both but that she loved us each in our own way. This has always made perfect sense. When my children inevitably ask me this question, I'll answer them as my mother did: "I love Sarah in a Sarah way and Andrew in an Andrew way."

I love them all the same amount most of the time. But admittedly, I don't always like all of them. The one that is most like my husband can severely get under my skin, and he makes me work hard to do what he needs. The youngest is autistic, and I feel fiercely protective of him. My daughter sounds like many others on this board - eager to please, considerate, responsible. She is probably not getting rewarded nearly enough for how good she is.

I work hard to give them each what they need, and to snuggle/tickle/schmuzel them each when they need it. Oddly, they have never asked which is my favorite, but require constant reassurance on one simple point: do I love them more than the cat. I always respond that of COURSE I do, and sometimes I have heard them whisper to the cat "you know, she loves ME more, right?"

Perhaps things are a little off kilter in our house.

I have no idea how someone can love both their kids "the same." I want to love them the same amount, but they are different ages, when the oldest was our only kid we showered him with more love and attention than we can to the younger one, and their personalities are different. Frankly, I love my children differently at different stages of their childhood. Some first-steps and throwing a baseball stages are charming and wonderful, some potty training and two-wheeler steps make me proud, some potty-talk and tantrum stages are unbearable.

I love my kids equally! I tell my oldest he is "My favorite oldest son" and my youngest he is "my favorite youngest son". HOWEVER, they are two different people and I do respond to them differently as a result. So, the kids do view that I treat them differently... aka, favoritism for the other sibling. How does one dissuade this?

My brothers and sister always accused me of being my dad's favorite while we were growing up. Maybe I was, but it didn't seem that way to me at the time.

I did bring that up to him a little while ago though, and he admitted that as I was the 3rd child, he felt that he and my mother had "learned the ropes" of parenting by then and it was a whole lot easier to raise me and my younger brother than the two older ones. As far as loving any of us more than the others, I couldn't say I ever saw any evidence of that.

I have a 2 y/o and a 1 month old, so they're a little too young to ask who I love most. But when they do ask me, I'm planning on telling them I love the cat best of all.

I have twins and for my wife and it is easy. The one who does better at school, sports, chores, etc gets the love that day. Hell the world is a competitive place might as well teach them early everyone loves a winner.

Be kind to your children. They are the ones who will choose your nursing home and will use your money to pay for it.

"The one who does better at school, sports, chores, etc gets the love..."

With that strategy, you are garenteed to:
1. raise a winner
2. raise a loser

Despite academic or athletic achievement, good parent should strive to raise all their kids to be winners.

"I want to love them the same amount, but they are different ages, when the oldest was our only kid we showered him with more love and attention than we can to the younger one, and their personalities are different."

DCer,

It's a subtle mistake to think that the amount of time you give to a child is a direct measure of your love. I wince while I type this, because time and attention are one of the most important ways we show love, but the truth is, what you have available can change due to circumstances beyond your control.

I could have a stroke this afternoon, and it would dramatically change my life, and the life of my family. There would be things I could no longer do for my kids - that would not mean that I loved them any less. In the same way, the fact that you had an older child who also needed attention does not mean that you loved the younger one any less. (One key test - would you give either of your children your entire focus if an emergency in their life required it?)

I think you instinctively recognize this, based on what you go on to say later in your post. You're exactly right - each of your children needs something different in each stage of life, and each presents you with a unique set of challenges.

I am the oldest but the youngest is mom's favorite. I have learned to accept it but it is a major reason my husband and I moved "far, far away". I don't have time to be loved less than a piece of work that has hurt and betrayed my parents numerous times.

Two, love each equally but differently. FWIW, I think Walker's problems are far bigger than loving one child more. I feel sorry for both her kids.

I think the kids know who is the favorite child. My broher was my dad's favorite and my younger sister was my mom's favorite. I was just there and largely ignored. A perfect example of that is when I saw a old picture at my aunt's of my cousin and I in front of the piano in my parents house when I was a kid. On the piano was one of those picture frames that can hold 3 8x10 pictures. In the frames were an individual picture of my brother and one of my sister and in the third was a picture of the 3 of us. Nowhere in the house were there single pictures of me growing up. That showed me where I stood as far as my parents were concerned. I only have 1 child so she will never have to feel that way growing up.

I think it's best when parents/guardians teach their kids that love isn't something you portion out- it's not a matter of 'equal.' Simply forming unique relationships with each person, loving them completely, but in their own unique ways.

This is much better than constantly going on about equal love as if it were portions of pie to be haned out and hiding things up when you notice you really like some things in one kid much better than another and so on.

I know for me, I carry this into my adult life and enjoy multiple intimate relationships- meaning I can have more than one boyfriend or girlfriend at the same time and not have any worries over things because we all understand that we form unique relationships with eachother which don't take away from the others- my love isn't a pie.

Love is not a feeling. It is something you do. It is not how happy you feel around them. It is what you do for them, at what cost, for whatever reason, where possible reasons include obligation, selfishness, selflessness, and many other things.

Do I LIKE my children equally? That is a secret I keep to myself.

Do I LOVE them equally? Yes.

I recall seeing Roy Rogers on a TV talk show years ago. Roy Rogers was a favorite hero of mine when I was younger and used to watch his show on Saturday mornings and I cried when I learned he passed away a few years ago. If you don't know, Roy and his wife Dale Evans had a couple children of their own and a couple adopted children. Roy said people used to ask him if he could love his adopted children like his own. He said "Once you get them home and in your arms you love them all the same." That made him more of a hero than he was before. (And no, he did not start a chain of fast food restaurants. He was a cowboy star long before the roast beef restaurants came to be.)

Someone else already commented about their autistic child, and I have an autistic child too.

Making sure our non-disabled child gets enough time and attention is pretty easy in our household, because he's such a charming and affectionate person.

The autistic older brother can easily retreat and my hubby and I have to work harder and pay more attention to make sure we're keeping our connection to him.

I like what several people have said, loving your kids isn't about what you get back from the relationship, it's about putting yourself, your time, your heart, your thoughts to doing what is best for each kid.

Since *both* our sons are successful and self-confident, I think we've done a good job of loving them and caring for them. Trying to measure love, and who gets more of it, just isn't meaningful.

I have four children. A 17 yr old female college freshman, a set of fraternal twin boys 12, and a 5 yr old son.
I love all of my children the same. No one gets fussed at more than another. No one gets more treats than the other. I would die for them all. I make the same sacrifices for each of them.
I find it scary to hear a parent say they love their children differently. When I hear different I hear favortism. Being the eldest of 3 children, my mother definitely played favorites and reasoned to me it was just because she loved us differently. And I still say that's BS.

I have four children. A 17 yr old female college freshman, a set of fraternal twin boys 12, and a 5 yr old son.
I love all of my children the same. No one gets fussed at more than another. No one gets more treats than the other. I would die for them all. I make the same sacrifices for each of them.
I find it scary to hear a parent say they love their children differently. When I hear different I hear favortism. Being the eldest of 3 children, my mother definitely played favorites and reasoned to me it was just because she loved us differently. And I still say that's BS.

My daughter is an only so obviously she is my favorite.

I think the comment about Roy Rogers was interesting. My daughter has a set of friends; ther older one is adopted and the younger one is biological. The parents love their biological child way more. Without a doubt. They've even gone as far as to say that since the older one doesn't have their genes they don't have high expectations for her. Sad.

I have three children. My oldest would be deemed a "loser" by NYC - he is a brilliant boy (graduated high school at 16 with a 4.0) who has lost his way at 20, but I am confident he will find it again. My middle is a "winner" - outstanding performance in college and in life. My youngest is beautiful and artistic and the joy of my life. Do I love them differently? of course, because that's what their personalities dictate. Do I love them fervently? of course, because they have my whole heart.

But here's a secret NYC: I love the "loser" a little more than the other two, because he needs it right now.

Your unkindness shocked me into posting - what a sad, shallow statement you made.

my mil definately loves her oldest son (my husband) more than her younger child. everyone else notices it too. i feel pretty bad for my brother in law.

I love Roy's chicken more than his roast beef.

I love NYC more than I love Edina.

I like love more than I love like.

I love the love you make more than the love you take.

I love Paul more than John.

I love pie more than cake.

I love equality more than equivalency.

Please, who wouldn't love NYC more than Edina?

I think many people probably do love their children for different reasons, but about equally, acknowledging their children's unique characteristics.

That said, there are those who love very unequally...and usually that's not even the worst of it for those parents (they probably have other screws loose). Four children in my family, three girls and one boy. My mother gave special attention and affection to the lone male. However, it's boomeranged for him, not only because it poisoned his relationships with his sisters, but for the future, as Momma wants to spend her golden years near her widdle son, and his wife can't stand him.

I also have doubts regarding Rebecca Walker. She seems very comfortable making sweeping statements about all people based on her own unique experiences. As someone pointed out, this was a stepchild from a partner's previous engagement, not an adoptive child who she and her partner legally and openly took as their own.

It's the ones who speak out loud saying that they prefer a child - whether adoptive or bio or whatever - those people are sick. If they're saying it to a neighbor or parents of their children's friends, the child probably knows or may have even been told that. Tough dirt to hoe when you are growing up.

here's irony: I have two daughters. I feel like I favor the younger one, and am too hard on the older. My spouse thinks I favor the older and am too hard on the younger.

Go figure. I love them both so much it aches to think about, but they're just different people.

I feel comfortable posting on this topic because it is something I have felt personally and that also defined me growing up. I am adopted with an adopted older brother and a younger brother who was biological - honestly I felt no difference in the way we were loved when we were growing up - if anything my little brother was much more challenging for my parents because he seemed to inherit so many of their own qualities (stubborness, impatience, etc.) I have had a stepmother who I never felt very close to and have no relationship with since the passing of my father. I have also become a stepmother and had my own biological child and I feel the difference in me in terms of how I love them - I know that my son is mine and my only biological connection to anything else on this planet and that is very powerful to me - more than I would have expected - I love my stepdaughter and have done and would do anything for her - but my role with her has always been more of a friend than a parent - obviously I discipline when needed but I am not a replacement to her Mom - and I don't want to be - but I am the only Mom my son will ever have

I love my 3 sons the same even though they are very different from each other. They are very close with one other also. Since they are all married we tell them that we love their wives better than them so they had better keep the straight and narrow!

Edina, my youngest son was a trouble and trial to us for many, many years. It took him a long time to get his head together and start putting his life together. Throughout it all, while I often did not like what he was doing to himself and to us, I always loved him. Take heart - he began sorting himself out after he hit 30, and became a fine, self-supporting, man with direction and goals in his life, and is thoroughly likeable. It took a long time and a lot of heartache, but I made sure he always knew that I loved him even when I was angry with him.

I have three sons - now 40, 45 and 46. I love each of them the most - I often joked that I have 3 only children. They are very different people and I value them for different things; one is the most reliable, the most trustworthy, and has the softest heart, but gets upset easily and is so focused on some very techy interests its not always easy to have a conversation with him, he has a mild form of Aspergers (a type of autism) and this makes some problems for him - and made many problems for him and us when he was young; the middle is the calmest, the one whom I selected to be the executor of my will and my healthcare surrogate because he will always be able to "step outside" his feelings and behave rationally, he likes things very organized and prefers to see the world (and try to make the world) in black-and-white or good-and-evil, he shares many of my interests and we love to debate, he has given me my first grandchild and is a doting father; my youngest is most like me in that he has more of my vulnerabilities and faults than his brothers (and has struggled for many years with severe depression and is finally managing to control his illness instead of it controlling him), the most fun to go bumming around with having no particular goal or program in mind, he is thoughtful, doesn't like to be thanked or have his good deeds noticed, will do household chores without being asked or expecting praise, and loves word-play and wandering all-over-the-map chat as much as I. I'm very happy to say that all of my sons both love me and like me, and I love and like all of them.

Yes, you can love multiple children equivalently and at the same time try to give each child the kind of raising s/he needs. That's what is known as good parenting.

As for a parent who adopts a child and then favors a biological child over the adopted child - I can't imagine that. I was once asked to take in a friend's child for a month while his parents spent 24/7 at the hospital with his severely injured brother. When it was time for him to go, I could hardly bear to send him back to his parents. A child that lives in my home is my child, and biology has absolutely nothing to do with it for me.

As for NYC - yes, you will create one winner and one loser, and it may not always be the same child. I feel very sorry for your children and for you.