"Ever look at porn on the Internet?"

Still do (just not at work). Come on, this is ranks right up with "ever speed on the highway?"

Mooning, drinking and driving, and drugs are illegal. Let's keep them separate, ok?

There are things one should never share with a spouse, much less, the kids. And if you deny the fact that you've ever use drugs if the illegal activity hadn't play a role in defining your life, it's not a lie, it's call "good discretion".

"Mooning, drinking and driving, and drugs are illegal."

Mooning is perfectly acceptable on nude beaches and other environments.

Drinking and driving is perfectly legal as far as you don't go over the limit.

Narcotic drugs are perfectly legal taken with a doctor's perscription.

Pornography certainly has its legal and illegal limits too.

Come on now, get your fact strait!

I'm a mom, and my mom was in college in the early 70s. She never so much shared information, but gave me (IMHO) bizarre guidance before going off to college:

"You'll probably smoke pot, but if you start smoking it by yourself, you know you have a problem."

Geez mom thanks! And she was not the permissive parent that makes her seem. I think she was just trying to provide some guidance based on her own experiences. (And I think she fell into the category of the moms from the article who think their kids were too uptight)

My mom volunteered skeletons from her past without my asking. All this led to was me covering my ears screaming, "MOM! TMI! Too Much Information!"

I did not share and I don't think my kids wanted to know. It is just not appropriate. We are not supposed to be there friends and no matter how you present it a little bit of that would enter in.

To me the issue isn't what you did as a teenager, but what your stance is now as a parent. That needs to be communicated clearly to children, both as the rules of your household and in moral/ethical terms. To a great degree, of course, those attitudes are shaped by what we experienced, but kids don't need to know that. They want to know what the boundaries are--and they can be different in different families--but do not necessarily want confusing information about their parents as teenagers.

If asked, I'll answer the basic minimum. And I'll provide the necessary context. But I'd also ask why they want to do that.

I never remember asking my parents personal details. But I realized in my twenties that my mom had a ongoing conversation with us about what is right and wrong. Even at the age of 5 or 6, we knew that there is a special kind of love that you only have for one particular special person, like our parents had. We knew that drinking too much lead to doing stupid things. We knew a few details, e.g. a boyfriend with a fast car in San Fransisco. We also knew that we could always ask for advice or help.
I hope my kids will know that too!

I agree with Bill Albert, the deputy director of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. When children and teenagers ask about their parents' pasts, they do not want to know the particulars, but they want help and guidance in making their own life choices.

I tell parents: It's not about you. Your teenager thinks she is discovering sexuality (or drugs or alcohol or whatever), and she doesn't want you to try to convince her otherwise by explaining that you already know all about it, first-hand. And actually, your teenager *is* discovering these things for the first time - and how they relate to her developing identity.

So rather than explaining yourself or your past, talk about her. Go ahead and answer specific, direct questions honestly - but after that, turn it around and ask where your teenager's question is coming from.

Karen Rayne, Ph.D.
Adolescent Sexuality Educator
www.karenrayne.com

It seems like so much of parenting, especially as your kids hit high school age, is about being perfect and never making mistakes. There is such a thing as being too prudent in your decisions and too cautious about life. All the things you do in life -- they're part of you. Screwing-up is part of life. If you're smart, you learn from your mistakes and gain a new perspective.

If I had been arrested for drug use as a young person I'd own-up to it to my child. I'd talk about how stupid and ashamed I felt, what an embarrassment the court system was for my family, and what a drag public service and probation were. And then I'd talk about what I learned and how I overcame it and how everyone "puts their foot wrong" at some point and they live through it. I do talk with them about how they have alcoholics on both sides of their family and so they need to pay extra attention to alcohol. But I also have told them that many fine older people (their mother included) do drink and do or have smoked marijuana without ruining themselves. I also made it clear that I didn't do either until I was in college and that I think that being older is one of the reasons alcohol and drugs have never been a trouble-maker for me.

The best lessons are the practical ones Last year 3 drunk high school girls ran into my parked car. Lots of police came, there were two wrecked cars, the girls were sobbing in our living room and one of the Dad's looked like he was going to have a heart attack, shouting about how they were all going to be kicked out of their Hebrew Academy. I could see how heart broken he was, and you knew he dreaded the idea of being talked about and was thinking about what colleges would refuse them now. My 11 and 13 year old were saucer-eyed over the whole thing. They saw exactly what can happen when you make a series of bad decisions.

When talking about sex, I have told my children that I didn't sleep with anyone until after college (late bloomer), that I didn't sleep with many men and that I think my love life has been happier because I did skip some opportunities. I mention that I know a very good friend (my older sister) who started early and slept with a lot of men (I don't mention the women!)and it made her miserable in every way it can (rejection and heartache, unwanted pregnancy, disease). I tell them I still love that friend very much and I think she's a fine person who has lead an interesting life. And then I tell them they want to wait until they are older so they can get it right.

"When children and teenagers ask about their parents' pasts, they do not want to know the particulars, but they want help and guidance in making their own life choices."

That's not neccessarily true. As an early twenties mother, whenever I asked my mother and father about their past, it was to get more insight about their youth. Compare how they are like today verse twenty-thirty years ago. Moreso curiosity.
Good grief. Some people get up their in age and think they know all about how teenagers think and work.

The woman in the article made me sick! Shouting "I win" as you brag about being a stripper? Personally I wouldn't let anyone like that in my house or around my kids. The fact that this columnist wrote an article bragging about how amusing she and all her mommy friends were with their "naughty" pasts shows that the problem is much deeper than what to say to your kids. The real problem is how do you live a life of integrity and dignity where you value yourself, your body, your sexuality and your family more than what society says or the pornographic values of our present-day culture? The fact that the stripper bragged about "winning" shows that she obviously hadn't learned any adult lessons about dignity, pride in oneself or values. The problem of what to tell the kids presumes that you yourself know right from wrong.

The woman in the article made me sick! Shouting "I win" as you brag about being a stripper? Personally I wouldn't let anyone like that in my house or around my kids. The fact that this columnist wrote an article bragging about how amusing she and all her mommy friends were with their "naughty" pasts shows that the problem is much deeper than what to say to your kids. The real problem is how do you live a life of integrity and dignity where you value yourself, your body, your sexuality and your family more than what society says or the pornographic values of our present-day culture? The fact that the stripper bragged about "winning" shows that she obviously hadn't learned any adult lessons about dignity, pride in oneself or values. The problem of what to tell the kids presumes that you yourself know right from wrong.

Posted by: | May 5, 2008 1:09 PM

Blech. What a boring life you've led, huh? You've never made 1 mistake - you've always been moral and right. You better watch out for your kids. Since you've never been "bad" you may miss some of the signs.

I loved my somewhat naughty past. I had some fun, I learned and moved on.

Help me out here, naughty lady. I'm having a little trouble with your reasoning. What makes people interesting is taking their clothes off in public? Anyone who hasn't spent most of their early years engaging in sordid behavior that most people would be ashamed of is boring? You'd be surprised at just how interesting some of us good girls really are. WHat a shame that you're so narrow-minded and judgmental.

1. Personally I wouldn't let anyone like that in my house or around my kids.

2. What a shame that you're so narrow-minded and judgmental.

Pot, calling Kettle. Come in, Kettle.

I thought the article was really interesting. My kids are 3 & 5, so really in-depth issues of sexuality and drug-use haven't come up. They have asked me what a cigarette is. Even thought I occasionally smoked in college, I haven't shared that with them, instead telling them how dangerous cigarettes are for your health, teeth, breath, etc. I'm not sure what I would answer if they specifically asked me about what I have done in my life. I think I would try to deflect the conversation to why they are asking.

One thing I found particularly interesting about the article is that it was aimed at mothers with DAUGHTERS. I have 2 sons. So, I feel that what I teach them affects their behavior differently than what a mother teaches her daughters. For instance, if I were to imply that I had sex before marriage, how would that affect the way they see and/or treat girlfriends and other women as they get older?

I do think that kids have very little desire to know their parents sexual history, esp boys for their mothers and girls for their fathers!

I personally think that a little honesty belongs in all discussions with your kids, if for no other reason than to make them feel normal regarding all the crap they go through. My parents were very hard line and never discussed any youthful or other transgressions with us. They basically seemed to imply and enforce the idea that any step off the main path (good behavior, good grades, good school, good job) was to invite utter chaos and a favorite line was "if you don't do X [or alternatively, if you choose to do Y] you'll end up either digging ditches for a living or dead in a ditch". That wasn't very encouraging as a message and it just inspired fear.

I think the trick is to be personal and specific enough about drugs/alcohol/sex that your opinion carries some authority (I once got very sick from drinking in high school -- it was a stupid thing to do). Even a teenager (maybe especially a teenager) knows when you are just spouting off at them. But if you go into too much detail (I felt bad about myself after the three-way I had during Spring Break) I think you'll just creep them out.

I do agree parents need to be focused on the fact that it's about the kids, they need to focus on the fact that their job is to educate and guide, not clone.

Considering the biggest problem kids tend to have is thinking that their parents have no idea what they are really experiencing and are out of touch, using your own experiences and sharing the problems you've had can be the best way to build a bridge here.

I don't know why most parents don't know the difference between "I love giving bjs" and "I started experimenting when I was ready, but had a lot of pressure beforehand."

I read my mother's college diary while I was in high school - and it was boring! Finding out that she considered french kissing sinful... yawn... It was also completely useless in helping me figure out boys and sex.

In my early 30's while Dad was helping me drive a Uhaul cross-country (moving home to CA) I learned that he'd cheated on my mother once, and that he deeply, deeply regretted it. That conversation probably helped my marriage.

With my own kids, I'm taking the approach that my father took - honesty without the gross-out details. He was always willing to talk with us about anything.

Use your heads, people! Just take whatever conduct your kids are curious about, and (a) say it happened two years later, and (b) 95% less frequently, and (c) pretend you regret it even if you don't.

Your hilarious and delightful high school stoner years will morph into some light and unsatisfying experimentation in your late teens! Problem solved.