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Story pick: Vehicle brutally attacked by lunch meat

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Most days, neighborhood listserv fare is enough to make your eyes glaze over: this yard sale, that plumber recommendation, this neighbor upset about that dog using her liriope as a personal toilet. It's a useful way to exchange information and does indeed serve a civic purpose. It's just not scintillating reading.

Until I logged on and saw this:

As incredible as this may seem, my mini-van was under siege last night by rogue lunch meat. When my sons and I ran out this am on an errand, my one son asked me what was stuck on the side rear window of the minivan. From inside the car, I could not see anything on the window and when inspecting the side of the car through my rear view mirror, nothing looked out of the ordinary.

My son then proclaimed it was a piece of bologna (which is what I thought he
was full of)!!

I got out of the car and started my forensics review, the evidence was one
perfectly round piece of Oscar Meyer bologna affixed to the side window of
the car like a big juicy meat decal Not sure what this means but: it could
be a new gang ritual-like throwing sneakers over a power line-tossing lunch
meat on cars to see if it will stick. It could be someone would have rather
had PB and J and tossed the meaty disc out of frustration. Or it could be
that bologna is really an animated meat that can move on its own and under
darkens of night found its way to my mini-van window.

Just wanted to post this as a warning-there may have been other bologna
assaults last night in the neighborhood.


Neighbors quickly chimed in. One's dog found a stray bologna slice on a nearby street. Another said he returned from an out of town trip to find he, too, had been "bolognied." Another wrote, cryptically, "Look out for Ketchup or Mustard markings. Could be new-fangled gang symbols. Might be the start of a major food fight."

It's not often your listserve reads like a whacked-out mystery novel. The original poster concluded with this:

My friends

Thank you for all your support-this latest outrageous report is yet more
proof of our wildly affluent society.

As a teen-ager, I coveted my nitrate laden meat-like sandwich filling and
would never have carelessly thrown it around like some fleshy protein
frisbee. Now that there have been three reported bologna assaults, I have
been reduced from a random victim to a statistic. But I appreciate the
company I am in.

By Brigid Schulte  | June 2, 2010; 7:00 AM ET
Categories:  Story Picks  
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Next: Was Washington Times reporter sacked for speaking out?

Comments

Excellent piece on the bologna attacks in our neighborhood, Brigid! As listserv's Back Up Moderator (BUM), I found it quite a refreshing respite from some more mundane discussion threads.
Now the discussion centers on whether the bologna will actually remove the paint or not. I did not volunteer for a beta site.
~ Wayne

Posted by: waynehulehan | June 2, 2010 3:32 PM | Report abuse

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