“…I shot'em fair and square, judge; honest!”

by; 00Buck

Back in 1962, Chad Mitchell of the Kingston Trio wrote a waggish little ditty about Lizzie Borden. It became a classic.

According to Chad’s tongue-in-cheek lyric, the press of Fall River, Massachusetts (circa 1892) is portrayed as having eschewed Lizzie’s legal defense argument, by publishing a rebut:

“…Oh, you can’t chop your papa up in Massachusetts, and then blame all the damage
on the mice; on the mice.”

Perhaps the underlying reason why the, ''Texas Chaney Saw Massacre’, seems to have legs like, “Ol’ Stewball”, is that something about it resonates in a way that even those in the media can sense. The ’general pop' twigged to the irony immediately; but that constituency has learned from experience that it has be patient with the media; to wait and see if the pundits, “The Cadge Cadre”, can get on board before ‘long-headed’ historians, with credentials, kick them off the train for being a sawbuck shy of the fare; again.

In the meantime, up here north of the 49th, suspense is driving us crazy.

If one renders a snippet or two from the VP’s defense as briefed to Brit Hume on FOX, and redacts from the VP’s words to a hypothetical paste up of how his private, unabridged, crib notes might have appeared as he punched them up on his Blackberry before sitting down with Brit, these notes might have looked like, well something like, this… tell me if I’m wrong… [square bracketed comments are my own 'thought bubbles']

“A bunch of us boys was out exercising our constitutional right (at least; the parts that still apply to me) to bear arms by hunting down a covey [sleeper cell] of quail; a covey I’m told [by Intelligence sources] that was rife with some of Texas’ most devious and dastardly denizens. We were there to exact righteous vengeance on them with a dose of good ol’ fashioned, executive-branch grade, ordinance.

This was a carefully planned operation. Intelligence sources had warned me that these so called, “quail”, presented flight risks. When you consider that, and put it together with their confidential CIA profile of always wearing ‘camo’, and their incessant, unabashed loathing of having us on their turf under any pretense, well…me and the boys felt we’d taken just about enough from these foul-mouthed ingrates, and that we had all the justification we needed to go down there and pepper their bottoms with a hot load of # 6… a little 'attitude tuning', y'might say.

(Note to self: Quail:… they remind me of doves. I hate doves; … just pigeons with nattier plumage. Best not let Brit get me started on (ugh) doves…)

The world needs to have confidence in the leadership of the US. We wanted to provide living proof that this Vice-President of the United States has ‘nads; has the courage to put his personal safety on the line, and wade into pitched battle against any 10 ounce package of plumage and pluck on any protected [safe] game reserve in Texas or any other state in the Continental USA. At no small risk, Brit, I was fitted-out with nothing more than my bare 12 gauge pump-action Browning, and supported by little more than a mere regiment of armed security and para-military personnel, a mobile hospital, and a back-up Blackhawk helicopter, - just in case two of the little ‘shites’ attacked me at once, (à la Hitchcock), and I wanted to even the odds.

That is the real story as I see it, Brit. Having shot an old friend in the heart with a fully choked load of monogrammed munitions [gratis; C-I-L and the NHRA] only deserves to be considered as a possible sidebar. It doesn't deserve all this 'brouhaha,' amid accusations that I tried to hush it up for political reasons. [And because it makes him look stupid]

Now, as I’ve demonstrated to the public so many times in the past, I am not someone who makes excuses, or needs to; and I’m getting fed up repeatedly not apologizing for that fact that I’ll be damned if I’ll apologize for anything. No biggie; its just my endearing little way of saying GFY to busybodies, and it works just fine for me. This is just another case where I find myself moved to make the same point.

And let’s keep in mind, Brit, I only gave old Harry a flesh wound. [In the heart] The accident might be attributed, at least in part, to my being momentarily overtaken by zeal [blood lust]. Being a sporting gentleman at bottom, and with my reputation for fair play [1], you need to understand I was only aiming to plug a rogue quail in the back as the mangy coward tried to flee in terror, and before he could execute whatever evil mission he was on. Maybe the thrill over-amped my pacemaker for a couple of tics …. (though, I’m still not convinced those Baltimore quacks actually found anything in there to solder it to …)

I’m here to suggest people need to learn to appreciate that this whole thing was nothing more than an unfortunate accident; “I just didn’t see him “… awww shucks, Brit; what is the big deal here? Look at it this way: my decision to shoot was, in a manner of speaking, just the result of some faulty intelligence. (Note: try to blame it on the dogs)

So whaddya want? I should expect a summons to The Hague over this too?

Besides, it happened in Texas. Everything I did was fair and square [1] and conformed to ‘Texas style' codes of civil law. Negligent homicide don’t count in them parts; leastways, not for me. According to my Intelligence sources, ever since Judge Roy Bean sat over the assizes, if you happen to be West of the Pecos, shooting a shyster (if you can prove you did on purpose anyway), can entitle you to an award of acreage … so long as you swear you won’t poke holes in it for fence posts, or traipse sheep across it. So, let’s not lose our perspective over this, Brit.”

So; where’s the suspense, you might ask?

What Dick did to Harry Whittington, attorney at law and an officer of the court, is a literal meta-morph of what he has done to Constitutional Justice in the US, and to International Justice, Sovereign Rights and Personal Freedoms. Cheney’s rationalizations, his personal absurdity, and his blithe self-satisfaction, all define a virtual ‘homage’ to Peter Sellers', “Jacques Clouseau”. Blake Edward's parody was about the only way to portray someone so perfectly, so homogeneously, so geometrically, so symmetrically, so sublimely, OB-tuse.

We’re waiting for another Chad Mitchell to immortalize Dick’s exploits/adventures among the ‘Quail-Quada’, and capture the big picture in such a way that the medium fits the message… in other words, as a burlesque or a humouresque. The tale is screaming to be set to music.

With deference to the American Corporate Media Ensemble (ACME), I deeply empathize with their dilemma. Everyone understands; just trying to describe Dick Cheney in simple prose makes you feel retarded, ashamed, and dirty; ...dirty, much like rape victims feel when they have to appear in open court to testify; especially when the defense gets around to suggesting that the victim brought it on themselves.

With a subject like Cheney, journalistic prose can seem an effete thing; like a henna rinse: adequate for accenting hues and showing off hilites, but to treat a 'dyed in the wool' biotype of Diablo Himself, the, “Abomination of Desolation”, incarnate, and harbinger of Apocalypse, you need to paste and texture the page with Gamblin® oils; then set fire to it while its still wet. Outfit paper boys with NOMEX®, if necessary.

Not having risen to this pitch, yet, explains a lot as to why the US Corps media appears (to us) to have been letting him get away with things that, if inserted into Woody Allen’s, “Bananas”, would ruin all hope of maintaining the necessary, “suspension of disbelief”. It couldn’t succeed even if billed as farce.

“Let him get away with things???!!!@&*$ ”, y’all might ask/exclaim/protest.

When us folk up here see what he's been about, what he has done to American people, we have to ask ourselves; “Is there some sort of problem with overcrowding in Leavenworth; or what?” Parrying, posturing and pettifogging about criticisms, reprimands, possible inquiries, and speculations about what consequences might befall the Republican Party, just gives us ‘fan tods’. Surely, writers could slam their keypads a lot harder than they have been; show the world there is still a corps of reporters with some grit and gristle; that there is still some leftover ‘stuffins’ in the carcass of the old turkey; corporate takeovers notwithstanding.

If an adult male molested a child the way Dick Cheney has abused the Children of America, and proceeded to, “take the Fifth”, every time some 'bleeding heart' expressed annoyance, (a seditious act sufficient to get your phone summarily tapped without a warrant, apparently) that man would have got lynched up the handiest branch on the block, and before the cops could come fetch him… assuming they would bother to intervene at all. Ticket scalpers could make millions. News anchors would pay to do the colour commentary.

I think we all understand that ascribing demonic possession, or being not too subtly influenced by Satan, is more fanciful than factual. At least, it’d be hard to prove. But a good case could be made that he is the, "Grand & Imperial Wizard of the Loyal Order of Ghoul", when considered at the level of human beings; at the level where people call one another mom, or dad, or son or daughter; brother or sister, aunt or uncle; families and friends; neighbours like Bill and Alice and their 3 rotten kids, Bernie and Marcie .... and like that.

Beholding Dick Cheney on his public progress, profiting from, verily feeding off, the remains of 2300 Proud and the Brave boys and girls [sic] who got shot in, blown out of, and summarily fallen in their 'camo', (as if dressing up in it made them statistically dispensible all of a sudden) ...fallen for no earthly reason other than to sacrifice their future and their flesh to his tribe of corporate cannibals inc., creates the physical sensation of having a wet, partially decomposed, quahog [2] slide down your neck.

According to Chad’s lyric, what Lizzie did to her, “papa”, Andrew Jackson Borden, was a senseless, bloody, grisly, crime for which she never repented; or needed to. She got away with it.

[1] “Fair & Square Rules of Engagement”, D. Cheney, (unpublished military ms.)
RULE 1A – “Shoot ’em FAIRly quick and SQUARE in the back.”
[2] Quahog: "venus mercenaria"; pron. KO-hog . A bivalve mollusk resembling a large clam; a bottom, "filter feeder"; got by dredging.
Shucking (opening) quahogs can be frustrating, esp. for the novice. No shit.

00Buck
The Boundary Bay Morning Steamer
Boundary Bay, B.C. Sunday. Feb 26, 2006

Is anyone looking or is it mymistakethat the president and the vice president have destabilized the mideast. Spent the surplus America had; Killed thousand of innocent Iraquis. How can the brave Americn soldiers fighting in Iraq protect us at home when they can't protect themselves. They are not trrained to fight a guerilla war. Did Cheney or Bush or Rumsfeld everpartiucipate in a war.I don't thin they have a clue as to what they're doing

Hunting? Guns? God forbid my hopes come true?

Can that old duffer Chaney even see a pheasant get up? I have my doubts considering the massive mess he's created with his flawed vision.

As a South Dakotan, I am proud that Dick Cheney is one of the thousands of hunters who come to our state every year to hunt pheasant. If I am not mistaken, Cheney has hunted here every year since he became Vice President.

Scooter is right on.

Things Cheney could hunt for in SD:the good reputation of the US destroyed by the torture policy he continues to champion and the honorable cause that 2040 US service men and women have died for in Iraq.