"Grey's Anatomy" thespian Chandra Wilson reached like no thespian in recent memory has reached to take the high road when asked about series colleague Katherine Heigl's comment about not submitting herself for Emmy consideration this year.

Heigl, who last year was the surprise winner of the Primetime Emmy Award for best supporting actress in a drama series, did not throw her name into the ring this year because "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the Academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention." And, "I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials," Heigl added for good measure.

"All actors have to do the exact same thing every single year," said Wilson, who was one of an endless parade of thespians who came to Beverly Hills Monday to plug a mess of made-for-TV movies on Hallmark Channel at the Thank God We're Working Summer TV Press Tour 2008.

"We have to decide ... do I submit and, if I submit, which clip to submit ... You can have a great seasonal arc but if you don't have, like, that [episode] that's, like, your [episode] and you were breaking out in tears, well, then, that's not the right thing for the category," Wilson continued. That confirms it: We're the only one who got choked up by that save-the-deer, save-the-world story line Heigl was given at the start of the 2007-08 TV season.

"It was amazing to me the way it kind of got blown out of proportion," Wilson concluded.

Dispatches from the Television Critics Association press tour in Los Angeles...

Former Screen Actors Guild president Ed Asner appears in the morning of the first day of Summer Press Tour 2008 to plug one of Hallmark Channel's glutinous new TV movies, "Generation Gap." Asner plays a cranky grandfather who takes on his rebellious teenaged grandson for the summer to teach him a thing or two and they all live happily ever after.

But TV critics mostly wanted Asner to talk about a possible SAG strike.

(The American Federation of Television and Radio Artists had not yet announced whether members had approved their group's new contract with Hollywood studios. The Screen Actors Guild had waged an aggressive war against the AFTRA deal, urging the 40-thousand-ish people who were members of both guilds to reject the AFTRA pact. Conventional wisdom held that if the AFTRA deal got approved, SAG would not be able to push a strike vote of its members through.)

"I knew that would be the first question," Asner grumps. "I have no idea - I doubt it. The town has been fairly terrorized this year and actors certainly don't have any more guts than the average person so...

"They realize the tremendous cost and I think they will probably, if push came to shove, vote against it. I myself would vote for it, but I would be in a minority, but I usually am."

--Lisa de Moraes

A record 97.5 million votes were cast for the Two Davids Tuesday night, "American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest says at the top of Wednesday's two-hour finale. That's the same, he explains, as if every single person in Canada, Spain, Ireland and Australia had cast one vote.

And what an infomercial it was! Only four minutes in, the Idolettes are already shilling for the Fox network's summer series "So You Think You Can Dance."

Carrie Underwood performs. (Michael Becker/FOX)

Not coincidentally, Janice Dickinson is seen in the audience, shouting, "I love you!" at some poor unsuspecting Idolette onstage, by way of plugging herself and her Oxygen reality series, "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency."

By 8:13 p.m. they are shamelessly hawking the Paramount flick "The Love Guru," who, Seacrest insists, is the official "American Idol" guru. Of course it's Mike Myers playing Guru Pitka. And, just like the previous night with the whole boxing robes and gloves gag, David Cook seems way too comfortable for a rocker guy helping to promote this flick. The Two Davids go to meet Guru Pitka at his ashram. David Cook, his hair still looking like a freshly thatched roof, though the here-again-gone-again Coroner Munchkin sidecurls are gone again, greets Myers with the movie's faux salutation, "Mariska Hargitay."

Baby Elmo Archuleta, meanwhile, looks utterly miserable, listening to Myers talk about how he, Baby Elmo, is very young but soon will have hair "in weird and wonderful places."

"It was a very 'interesting' session -- I had no idea what he was talking about," Baby Elmo says, uncomfortably. Cook, on the other hand, vamps: "I thought his advice was contradictory 'cause I've read his book" -- something no self-respecting rocker would do.

The Two Davids are handed the keys to Ford Hybrid SUVs because, Seacrest says, they got great feedback on their starring moments in this season's Ford Music Videos.

Around 8:45, ABC late-night guy Jimmy Kimmel gets to do a few minutes of stand-up: "I valet-parked outside -- how much should I tip Sanjaya?" Da-dum-dum!

Not until 8:55 do we see one of the Davids -- Thatched-Roof David -- finally get to sing a whole tune. It's "Sharp Dressed Man," with ZZ Top. They've got a tour coming up this summer! What are the odds?

Last year's winner Jordin Sparks is living the "Idol" dream, we're told. "But why should I have all the fun?" she asks from Disney World. We agree.

Turns out, she shouldn't. You, too, can audition just like on "American Idol" at the American Idol Experience at Disney World in Florida, she says.

"You get to live the dream at the place where dreams come true."

Minutes later, Sparks magically travels all the way from Disney World in Florida to the [Cellphone Company] Theatre in downtown Los Angeles to sing live for the "Idol" audience. But why did they dress her in Mylar and send her to the Brooke White Dance Academy?

Failed Idolette Syesha Mercado gets to sing with Seal, lucky girl.

Jason Castro has to sing "Hallelujah" again, by himself again, while chicks in the audience squeal -- again.

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns -- this year's shoulda coulda woulda "Idol" finalists -- sing a duet, Chris Daughtry's audition song, "The Letter."

Poor Graham Nash is stuck singing "Teach Your Children" with Nanny Brooke. But he's touring this summer with David Crosby and Stephen Stills and, presumably, they wanted to plug it on "Idol." Apparently Nash drew the short straw.

The six Idolette chicks sing "She Works Hard for the Money" by way of introducing Donna Summer, who wants to perform her new single, "Stomp Your Feet," while those pesky "So You Think You Can Dance" dancers throw themselves around the stage. She has to be helped down the stairway to the stage by two men. It's sad.

Then Summer breaks into her cheesetastic disco anthem "Last Dance" and Syesha gets to sing and dance next to her, like the Ghost of Donna Summer Past -- and those darn "SYTYCD" dancers continue to fling themselves all over the stage.

The six Idolette guys then sing with Bryan Adams -- Canada's answer to Bruce Springsteen, you know. Canada, you'll recall, is one of those countries that passed a law requiring every citizen to cast exactly one vote in this year's "American Idol." And, what a coincidence, Adams has got a new album out, "11."

Here's the Jonas Brothers -- they've got a tour coming up in July and it will be turned into a 3-D movie!

We take a break from your commercials for the following programming: It's this season's worst-auditioners tape time. Which can only mean Seacrest is about to bring out:

Renaldo Lapuz!

In his Liberace-attending- a-costume-party-as-messenger-god-Hermes outfit!

With the USC Marching Band!

And the USC Song Girls! (pompom chicks to you and me)

And judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul once again climb onstage to hog/share the spotlight with Renaldo. Is this the best "American Idol" finale ever or what?

What's this? Thatched Roof gets ZZ Top and all Baby Elmo gets is to sing with One Republic?

Seacrest never bothers explaining why we're about to watch previously unseen footage of Gladys Knight auditioning the Pips in 1972. Oh, because it's actually Ben Stiller, Jack Black and "Iron Man" Robert Downey Jr. pretending to be Pips. Did you know they're starring in that "Tropic Thunder" flick coming out in August?

Oh, look! It's Season 4 "Idol" winner Carrie Underwood, who, The Washington Post Team TV Designated "Idol" Back-Up Watcher Tamara Jones points out, is dressed as a Wimbledon streetwalker. Underwood is singing her newest tune about hopping into the sack with a random guy and waking up married to him so she doesn't even know her new "Last Name." Hate when that happens.

The 12 Idolettes sing together one last time -- before singing together on tour for 2.5 months.

Biker Nurse has aged a decade and looks mondo mad to be there. Even so, they should swap out Ramiele Malubay or Nanny Brooke and put her in the Tour of the Top 10 because at least she's different. It's good to see Alleged Lapdancer again, too.

It's 9:47 and still no Dead Singers as rumored here and there, no "MJ" -- as in Michael Jackson -- as teased by "Idol" judge Paula Abdul on celebrity suck-up show "Extra," no "biggest star in the world" as promised by exec producer Nigel Lythgoe on Seacrest's radio show.

Then George Michael appears and all is forgiven. He's got a tour starting in June and recently released his CD, "Twenty Five." He sings "Praying for Time," which is on his new CD and which, gotta say, is much better performed by him than by Carrie Underwood on this season's "Idol Gives Back." All three "Idol" judges, Randy Jackson, Paula and Simon Cowell, give him a standing ovation.

Randaula announces it's been one of the strongest "Idol" years ever and vows this is the start of the Two Davids' "destinies of their careers" and that it just goes to show "how truly special we are as people."

Simon then launches into a lengthy apology to Thatched Roof for having said, in keeping with the previous night's whole strained boxing-match theme, that he got knocked out by David Archuleta. We smell a set-up; Simon knows something.

At 9:59 p.m. Seacrest announces Thatched Roof is our new American Idol, pounding Baby Elmo by a whopping 12 million votes.

On cue, Thatched Roof begins to sing his new credibility-crushing "American Idol" Treacle Tune, "Time of My Life":

And I'll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

For the first time since Clay vs. Ruben, two guys are competing for the "American Idol" tiara. To mark the occasion, "Idol" producers have dressed up the show like a boxing match. Yeah, preteen girls and middle-aged women -- the program's core audience -- they love boxing.

Particularly ringmaster Michael "Are You Ready to Rumble?!" Buffer, who introduces the two remaining Idolettes: David "Sugarfoot" Cook and David "Babyface" Archuleta.

Contestants David Cook and David Archuleta arrive for the "Battle Of The Davids." (Michael Becker/FOX)

David Cook demonstrates why a rocker should never ever make it to the Final 2 of this competition, losing all cred as he happily camps it up in a red satin robe and boxing gloves.

Baby Elmo, on the other hand, has the good sense to seem really uncomfortable and embarrassed shoved into a blue satin robe and boxing gloves.

Music industry mogul Clive Davis is back, babbling incoherently and looking like one of those dried-apple faces we used to make in Brownies. Best guest mentor ever Andrew Lloyd Webber is back, too, but this time he seems only slightly more coherent than Davis, thanks to some incredible slicing and dicing by the producers, who keep zipping back and forth between his comments and those of Davis and HBO boxing commentator Jim Lampley.

Preteen girls love Lampley.

Host Ryan Seacrest has pulled out his most conservative three-piece Tony Randall suit for the occasion. The judges also are in their Sunday best -- Randy Jackson is wearing about 15 pounds of bling. Paula Abdul is bejeweled in glitter bracelet, glitter ring, pink glitter dress and glitter handbag she props on the judges' desk. Simon Cowell is wearing his trademark Il Divo outfit: snug black Italian-ish suit and white open-collared shirt, unbuttoned one button too many.

Seacrest mentions Baby Elmo winning last week's coin toss and opting to go second. He asks David C. how he feels. David C. smiles smugly, turns to the crowd of around 7,000 (they've moved the show to the [Cellphone Company] Theatre in downtown Los Angeles): "You guys tell me -- how does it feel?" Asked the same question, Baby Elmo has the good sense to respond, "It's a dream come true!" Baby Elmo is clearly in this to win.

Time for the American Idol Final Performance Show Judges' Opening Cliches.

Randy says the Two Davids have to leave everything on the floor in the battle for King of the [Cellphone Company] Theatre. Paula says they are in the [Cellphone Company] Theatre and everybody is loving the Two Davids, so they should soak it all up and may the best man win.

Clearly the producers cut a sweet deal for the theater on condition the judges mention its name on-air at least 15 times.

Simon says the Two Davids must each have the desire to win and must hate their opponent.

Do they hate their opponent? Seacrest wonders.

Baby Elmo says: "Umm, you know this guy's awesome. I wish him the best of luck." David C., on the other hand, says the show "has been amazing" and that Baby Elmo is one of those "consistently nice people" and as far as he is concerned the competition is over and "we're just having fun."

Round 1: Clive Davis Picks.

Lampley advises the Idolettes to pace themselves and don't use everything in the first round.

Cook is stuck with the tune "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For."

In honor of the important night, his Coroner Munchkin sideburns are back, but the rest of his hair has been made to stand up and look like a thatched roof.

Randy Jackson likes it -- the song, not the thatched-roof look -- plenty. Paula says he may not have found what he's looking for "but we've found it and it's David Cook, amen, amen!" Simon says that in light of how tense Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof looked at the top of the show this performance is "phenomenal." David C. cocks his head and gives his best stage Surprised Look.

Baby Elmo is stuck with "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." Webber tells him, "Don't let your eyes go shut on me!" and "you don't win anything if you're not brave." Ounce for ounce, this is the most cliche-jammed episode in "American Idol" history.

Baby Elmo largely ignores Webber's advice and yet the audience loves his performance -- so much so Randy says "Wow!" in re the applause.

Paula says the sun is never gonna go down on Baby Elmo he brings so much sunshine to the world with his beautiful sunny performance -- and then collapses from pun exhaustion.

Simon calls it Baby Elmo's best performance to date, adding, "Taking everything into account: Round 1 goes to Archuleta."

Round 2: Idolette-Chosen Treacle Tune

Lampley observes that winning a fight is like climbing stairs -- the second round is harder. Also, train hard and take care of your body because it's the first thing to go. Words for us all to live by, I might add.

Webber, on the other hand, thinks Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof needs to take care of his voice. CM/Thatched Roof picks a tune called "Dream Big," a perfectly decent rock tune for a bartender-cum-Idolette but hardly Treacle Tune worthy.

Randy believes CM/TR sang his face off and correctly notes it's the beginning of Round 2 of the Duel of the [Cellphone Company] Theatre.

Paula, on the other hand, insists CM/TR's song is in his heart and his guitar is in his hand. Simon, however, nicks him for choosing a tune lacking in treacle. "Bearing in mind it was supposed to be, like, a winning song, it didn't feel like a winning moment to me," Simon clarifies.

Baby Elmo picks "In This Moment," which in his capable hands proves to be the Mother of All Treacle Tunes. Driving home the point, he sings it while wearing a jacket with a big anchor on the front and the back. Webber hates the lyrics to Baby Elmo's tune -- particularly the bit about:

Staring through windows at my own reflection,
How can a window encompass perfection?

You can see his point.

Randy observes that Baby Elmo can sing the phone book. Paula declares him on fire. Simon calls the tune "fantastically self-centered" but "much more in keeping with the night," and adds: "Round 2 goes to David Archuleta."

Baby Elmo fights back tears -- good for another half a million votes.

Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof is in some kind of real trouble now.

Round 3: Idolettes Choice

Lampley says the first two rounds are about boxing, or something like that.

He's now white noise.

Coroner Munchkin/Thatched Roof picks "The World I Know" because, he later explains, it's all about "progression." But of course it's not. It's all about winning. By the end of the performance, he's crying. Paula gives him a standing ovation. Randy commends him for showing his "sensitive side." Paula says he's "standing in your truth."

Simon says CM/TR is one of the nicest and most sincere contestants ever on "Idol" but the song, while pretty, was "completely and utterly the wrong song choice for you on the night." He should have resung "Billie Jean" or "Hello" -- you know, one of his earlier showstoppers.

"Why do something I've already done?" CM/TR responds, patronizingly. In some circles this is called "taking a dive."

It's like Old Idol meets New Idol: Simon talking about what "American Idol" used to be -- bunch of wide-eyed kids get together and pick old tunes and sing their little hearts out -- and CM/TR is New Idol -- you don't necessarily want to win, runner-up is just as good and way cooler if you're a rocker and "performance night" is best handled as "audition tape."

But props to Simon for not fawning over Thatched Roof -- the more commercial singer of the two.

Baby Elmo, on the other hand, once again trots out his unstoppable performance of "Imagine." Of course he did. Otherwise he'd be like a production of "Dreamgirls" opting not to do the "And I Am Telling You That I Am Not Going" number.

After weeks and weeks of okay-not-great robotic performances, it's the "American Idol" storyline the judges love.

Randaula declares Baby Elmo the best singer we can find in the best season, and is otherwise speechless. Simon says, "You came out there tonight to win and what we have witnessed is a knockout."

It appears things may play out as they should after all. Baby Elmo needs to win this thing and get signed to an iron-clad contract, lest he wind up in some kind of Shelter for Victims of Stage Dads. Thatched Roof, meanwhile, needs to not win, so that he can go sell millions of CDs, like Chris Daughtry.

While Lisa de Moraes is watching the television networks unveil their new season schedules in New York, Designated "American Idol" Pinch-Blogger Teresa Wiltz gives a play-by-play of this week's results show.

Another season of "American Idol" rapidly approaches its denouement.

Scratch the rapidly.

Watching the penultimate results show is the mental equivalent of wading through a pond of marshmallow fluff with patches of peanut butter.

Those would be the "gooey" (thanks, Simon, we couldn't have said it better) montages of the Idolettes returning to their roots, with hometown stadiums filled with weepy, screamy fans (though Syesha Mercado's seemed a little less fan-filled), helicopter rides, limo rides, private jet rides, and each of our heroes/heroine getting all verklempt from the awesomeness of it all.

Or, to quote the Cherubic One, "Gosh. Gosh. Gosh."

Gag. Gag. Gag.

We watch an hour of this loop of stories that We. Already. Know.

We know David Cook is a bartender. That Syesha's Cuban dad is now living the clean and sober life, and just watching his daughter on "American Idol" is a "natural high." (Do they coach this stuff?) That everybody back home in Murray City, Utah, just luurvs David Archuleta.

And we so could do without that lukewarm opening number with our Final Three listlessly raking over the embers of McFadden & Whitehead's "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now," a number that was Limburger even back in '79.

Judge Paula Abdul, perhaps sensing the high boredom quotient potential, turns up in a dress that plunges way past the TV-G rating. Host Ryan Seacrest alerts anyone who isn't watching the show with their eyes open that Paula is falling out of her dress.

Seacrest likes to play the provocateur. Or maybe he's just an old meanie.

He drags David C.'s brother Andrew up on stage, reminding everyone that David never intended to audition for "Idol" -- he just showed up to give Andrew moral support. "Next thing I know I'm taking the golden ticket and going to Hollywood," David says, looking all aw-shucks. Way to rub it in, bro.

Fantasia Barrino, Idol '04, performs, singing her heart out in a funky jumpsuit. She's got fuchsia hair. She gets the Ikettes -- or at least, they look like the Ikettes -- singing and grinding and flinging their hair around. She's whooping and hollering, gritty and greasy, stomping out in the audience and scaring all the white girls. She's got a James Brown take-it-to-the-bridge guitar thing going on.

But in the force field of inertia and calculated wholesomeness that is "Idol," it's as if she's been put on mute. Even so, Fantasia's performance is way grittier, far more spontaneous, than anything else on the show.

Judge Simon Cowell looks terrified. And that alone, folks, is worth the price of admission.

At the end of one of the longest hours in recorded history, we finally get down to the business of finding out What. We. Already. Know. Namely, Syesha, a hanger-out in the benthic zone all season long, gets the (graceful) boot.

Syesha never managed to consistently hit it out of the park -- though she was certainly capable of some showstoppers -- and that, not to mention 56 million votes, sealed her fate.

Which means next week, we watch Boy Band Cute and Rocker Lite Cute battle to the finish.

Told you so.

While Lisa de Moraes is watching the television networks unveil their new season schedules in New York, Designated "American Idol" Pinch-Blogger Teresa Wiltz gives a play-by-play of this week's Final Three singing competition.

Rough week for David Archuleta on "American Idol," what with all that Stage-Dad-possibly-banned-from-rehearsals hoo-ha. (Was Stage Dad behind last week's lyric change? Ooooh, the scandal!)

Contestant Syesha Mercado performs. (Ray Mickshaw/FOX)

But the Cherubic One rallies on last night's performance show, electing to take a walk on the wild side and "sing something youthful." Which is to say, to perform something recorded in this century. Something a teenager would (and did) sing (better): Chris Brown's "With You." There is perhaps nothing more terrifying than the sight of Archuleta getting all pitchy wit' it, warbling off-key, "I need you boo ... Hey! Little mama ..."

Aw-kward.

Or, as judge Simon Cowell puts it, "I applaud you that you didn't do a treacly ballad. ... However, it was like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger."

This is to be the big showdown, the big windup to the finale, the night the Final Three strut their stuff for the last time before being whittled down to the Final Two. But no one really brought it.

Syesha Mercado, hair pressed into submission, does her best to convince viewers that what she really wants to do is sing ... on Broadway. (Note to producers: Bring back the 'fro!)

David Cook takes on a Diane Warren classic, slathering it with all sorts of cheesy stadium-rock histrionics. (Cut to requisite audience shot of a beaming Warren.)

And perhaps most disappointing of all, Paula Abdul shows up sane. Though at one point, she does, as Ryan Seacrest puts it, stand up and start "spinning her finger in the air like she just don't care."

So all in all, one big snooze.

Judges Randy Jackson and Simon do the standard pretend-bicker thing, fussing over who picked the more staid and stolid song in Round 1, the Judges' Pick. Was it Simon, who chose "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" for David C.? Or Randy picking Alicia Keys's "If I Ain't Got You"?

Paula and Simon get testy about the subject matter of Syesha's choice for Round 3, the Producers' Pick ("Hit Me Up" from "Happy Feet").

Paula: "That was from the 'Happy Feet' soundtrack.

Simon (derisively): "It's a song about penguins."

Paula (defensively): "It's a movie about penguins."

Round 1: David A., without the presumed influence of Stage Dad, sings Billy Joel's "And So It Goes." Paula's pick. Sounds like an angel, bores us into wondering if he spends a lot of time in the mirror, using his hairbrush as a microphone, practicing moony faces. Paula, all somber and earnest, declares him a "storyteller." Randy tells him he was "in the zone" and "in it to win it." Simon all but yawns and calls it "predictable," which is true.

Randy announces he picked Keys's song for Syesha because "she's like young, hot, unbelievably talented and in charge." Regrettably, only the hot part was in evidence. Simon's consolation: "You look gorgeous, by the way."

Round 1 goes to David C. and his surprisingly effective, rockerish take on "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," a tune made famous back in the day by the fabulous Roberta Flack. Goose bumps.

Round 2: David A. ruins the aforementioned Chris Brown song. Syesha inexplicably chooses to do an old Peggy Lee number, "Fever." Simon pronounces it a "lame cabaret performance," saying, "I think you will probably regret that choice tomorrow." We hate to agree, because we've been a fan, but we don't think she'll make the cut this week.

Round 3: Does it really matter? I mean, really? Syesha's out, leaving the boys to battle it out next week. Bet on it.

Never in this season of "American Idol" has it been so clear who should get the old heave-ho on results-and-product-plug night. The previous night, Jason Castro mutilated Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" and forgot lyrics on Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" -- two songs he said he chose to sing because he knew them well.

Jason Castro gets eliminated. (Frank Micelotta/FOX)

It was one of the most dramatic "Idol" shows ever, Larry King's presumptive CNN replacement Ryan Seacrest tells us right off the bat, while NBC's "Deal or No Deal" star Howie Mandel is seen watching approvingly from the audience. NBC quickly drafts a contract clause banning its ratings star from being seen watching other networks' programs.

The super-dramatic Tuesday show resulted in this season's biggest haul of votes -- 51 million. Ironically, that's in inverse proportion to the number of viewers -- 21.8 million, the smallest for an "Idol" competition since 2003.

But first, it's time for one of our favorite results-show segments: Let's Clear Things Up, Shall We?
Seacrest asks judge Randy Jackson why he made I'm Syesha Mercado! cry the night before. Randy says he saw her after the show and said he was sorry and Syesha assured him he had not made her cry -- judge Paula Abdul did when she stood up and welcomed Syesha to her dream. Syesha's dream, that is, not Paula's.

Seacrest wonders why judge Simon Cowell looked so angry on Tuesday. Simon says he wasn't angry, he was just surprised at some of the disastrous song choices.

Seacrest reminds us the top four will become the top three but not for an hour, during which we will be subject to all kinds of infomercials for this and that.

But first the "American Idol" Results Show Medley, Steely Dan's "Reeling in the Years," which the Idolettes sing while marching around the gimongous stage like a high school band, and Judge Judy keeps an eye on things from the audience.

Then, a look back at the previous night's catastrophic rock-and-roll episode.

"Someone's dream will be crushed," Seacrest intones once that taped bit is over.

There aren't many seats on the Crushed Velvet Sofa of Safety, Seacrest says, bringing out David Archuleta first.

"Um, yeah, um, I'd love to," Baby Elmo says in response to Seacrest's penetrating question about whether he would like to be the next American Idol. Anyway the answer's good enough for Seacrest, who sends him to the Sofa of Safety.

Time for another taped bit, in which the Idolettes are shipped to Vegas to be the traveling petting zoo at Cirque du Soleil's Beatles Love! show. They were transported to Vegas on their own 737 jet and the inspiration for this trip, Seacrest explains, was a trip made by the Fab Four, a.k.a. the Beatles, in an actual plane, lo these many years ago. Seacrest calls the four finalists "our own Fab Four." We resist the urge to put a pillow over our head and smother ourself.

In the taped Vegas bit, a chick is seen grabbing and kissing Jason. He reports it was scary. Then he goes and kisses a dolphin that seems just as scared.

But before the Idolettes are trotted out on the red carpet, they are taken to a Vegas spa for some sprucing up, just like on the "Wizard of Oz" before Dorothy's audience with the Wizard. It's David Cook's first manicure ever. His hair has been done up again to look like the WoO's Coroner Munchkin. I'm Syesha Mercado! is dressed as an artichoke.

Seacrest brings David C. onstage. Randy is asked to give him some advice. "Stay original, dude, and rock it out, baby," Randy suggests.

David C. says he felt off the night before because he woke up in the morning and his head was in the wrong place. He did not mention where he found it. Even so, viewers have voted him through to the Sofa of Safety.

In this week's Ford Vehicle Video, a mustang is playing a bull and the Idoletttes are bullfighters.

"Well -- those pants looked comfortable!" Seacrest says of the costume.

The Phone Company Actual Phone Calls From Viewers segment begins with Emily from Pittsburgh asking David C. to go out with her.

"We can link this up," Seacrest tells her, enthusiastically.

"We'll see," a panicked David C. says.

Sarah wonders what have been the Idolettes biggest challenges on the show. "Stage fright!" I'm Syesha Mercado! says. Baby Elmo can't think of any. But Jason says without hesitation it's being brain dead that's the hardest.

Allison from South Carolina wonders why Simon hasn't been knighted by the queen yet. Simon says he asks himself that same question every day and sends a message to the queen that he's available.

Maura wants to know how Syesha feels about being the only remaining girl Idolette. Syesha says it's awkward because the remaining guy Idolettes are really funny. Seacrest wonders how Paula feels being the only chick on the judges panel. "Fantastic," Paula says.

And, finally, Marla from Cleveland wants Simon to be the next James Bond.

Maroon 5 performs by way of hawking its new tour while Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters try to crawl on stage to get nearer.

Former Idolette Bo Bice performs a tune from his new CD. He makes David C. look less like Chris Daughtry Lite and more like great. He admonishes the Idolettes to "Practice, practice, practice."

Meanwhile, another former Idolette, Ace Young will be the murder victim on an upcoming episode of "Bones" -- hooray!

Finally, it's time to put Syesha and Jason out of their misery. But first, Seacrest bats them around with stupid questions, including asking Jason what went wrong the previous night. He explains it's been getting tough on him due to his "inexperience" and that even when he picks tunes he knows, he messes up.

Syesha is asked again about her good cry and the meaning of one of her songs of choice, "A Change Is Gonna Come."

"We're in 2008; we might have our first female president of the United States or our first black president," she says. Yeah, that's what had her sobbing on national TV the night before -- the Democratic presidential race. That and "what I'm going through right now," she adds.

Jason's out, Seacrest says. Jason's relieved, Jason says, explaining he did not want to have to learn three tunes next week. The producers have him re-slaughter "I Shot the Sheriff" on the strength of his having remembered all the lyrics the previous night.

Rock-and-roll night on "American Idol" should be a slam-dunk for this year's token rocker, David Cook, right?

He starts off Round 1 of this week's competition with Duran Duran's "Hungry Like a Wolf" because, he notes, it came out the year he was born.

Contestant David Archuleta performs at the "Idol Gives Back" show at the Kodak theatre in Hollywood, Calif. (Reuters)

He promises to add David Cookian twists to the song but if he has, they're well hidden. Judge Randy Jackson calls it just "a'ight" while judge Paula Abdul begins to ramble about his hunger being her big appetite, which raises the "American Idol" Decency Police Alert Level to Orange. Paula also tries to explain to the Former Coroner Munchkin how his appetite and her hunger enable her to endure being the only girl in the boys' club, but he's too busy doing his slow eye blink for the Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters who are weeping and wailing about their love for him, to listen. Judge Simon Cowell calls David C.'s version a "little bit copycat," which is like calling Paula a little bit crazy last week when she critiqued Jason Castro's first and second performances after he'd sung only one tune.

"Paula's got the appetite tonight!" show host Ryan Seacrest smirks.

Syesha Mercado wastes no time getting all I'm Syesha Mercado! on us, telling Seacrest she's sooooo excited to be going on the "American Idol" Tour because it's all about "being able to meet all my fans!"

She sings "Proud Mary," though it's a trademark Tina Turner tune and has been covered by about 100 others, because she talked to herself in her mirror and told herself to "Just Do It." She then tries to do Beyonce doing Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary." We've seen Beyonce doing Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary" at the Kennedy Center, Syesha, and you are no Beyonce doing Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary."

Even so, she's got Randy fooled; he says she "showed up." Paula begins to babble about facing the fear is when magic happens. Simon, the only judge worth listening to, calls it a "bad impersonation of Tina Turner."

And, just when we thought we'd be Nanny Brooke-free for the rest of our lives, Syesha goes all Nanny Brooke on us and starts talking over Simon, telling him patronizingly that his criticism of her "is okay."

"I was trying to have fun," she explains to him.

"Good. I didn't," Simon snaps back.

Randy says Simon got it wrong because Simon's from England but he, Randy, is from Louisiana. Syesha tells Seacrest she's trying to show viewers she wants to have fun. "I think your hips got very comfortable this week," Seacrest responds, in re her bump-and-grind-lite performance.

Jason, who, after a promising start -- that's my story and I'm sticking to it -- has devolved into this year's Sanjaya Malakar, wants us to know he only recognized a few of the hundreds of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tunes from which he had to chose. Of those, he's picked Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" because, he says, he's never performed it before. If there's a god in Heaven, Jason will never perform it again. And should he, by some miracle, get crowned this year's Idol he will never ever be allowed to record it. If iTunes is smart, it will strike this one from its "American Idol" offerings. Even Jason's family looks subdued after his performance.

How bad was it? Randy calls it Karaoke Bob. Paula says she's never seen Jason perform more for the audience and that he's so real and so genuine his "artistry shines through."

"Stand back!" warns Simon, before calling Jason's performance "utterly atrocious" and "American Idol" Bad Auditions Episodes bad.

"I don't know what you were thinking!" Simon says, summing things up neatly.

"I was thinking Bob Marley -- yeah!" Jason explains helpfully/cluelessly.

"It almost feels like Randy and you, Simon, are ticked off," notes Seacrest, Master of Understatement. Simon, now on a tear, insists the only good thing about Jason's singing was his hair -- our favorite "Idol" putdown ever.

David Archuleta, the Artist Formerly Known as This Year's Winner, picks "Stand by Me" because, he says, he's only sung it to himself and his dog, to date. After weeks of robotic performances, it's Baby Elmo's first sign of life, and Randaula loves it. Simon notes Baby Elmo could have whistled the tune and sounded better than Jason, but instead went further and delivered the night's best performance so far.

In Round 2, David C. sings "Baba O'Riley" by the Who. He's much better than in Round 1, though he's no Baby Elmo. Randmon says this is the David C. they love. David begins doing the slow-motion eye-blink thing he does when simpering, as Paula starts shouting, "I just want more!" and how "humbled" she is to "watch your soul" while the "American Idol" Decency Police ready their hypodermic needles.

Rascal Flatts is sitting in the audience, dangerously close to Baby Elmo's Scary Stage Dad.

I'm Syesha Mercado! says she chose "A Change Is Gonna Come" for her second song because it was about the civil rights movement but is now, for her, an anthem to her own journey on "Idol." She's weak in parts but fine elsewhere in the song, and besides, she's dresses as one of the minor goddesses in Greek mythology in a gown that perfectly frames her ample shoes. Randy does not love it, but Paula gives her a standing ovation and gushes, "Welcome to Your Dream!" causing Syesha to start bawling and blathering about her journey on "Idol," which, we all know, has included many turns on the Stools of Loserdom. Simon, mysteriously, agrees with Paula and points out Randy got it all wrong in re Syesha. Seacrest thanks Randy "for the buzz kill" and what follows is loads of cross talk among the judges, which gets shut down only when Seacrest shouts, "We're running out of time! 'Hell's Kitchen' is going to start!"

Jason's back, threatening us with "another Bob." But, mercifully, he does not mean another Marley tune, he means Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man." He forgets a goodish chunk of the lyrics but does not, like Nanny Brooke, stop the song, blush prettily and tell the house band to take it from the top. No, he plays ahead and improvises lyrics that go "um, um, um, um, um, umpity um."

Randy, having run out of thoughts of his own, asks Jason how he thought he did. Jason laughs and says he forgot some of the lyrics. Randy finally thinks of something to say -- that Jason is "not in the zone" -- duh. Paula tells Jason that while he did not blow us away, he blew her away. The AIDP get out their butterfly net.

"I'd pack your suitcase," Simon advises Jason.

And, finally, Baby Elmo pulls out all the stops and sings "Love Me Tender," which he says is his very first love song, while the "American Idol" Camera locks in on a close-up of his face and hangs on for dear life. Randy praises him for caressing every word. Paula says she felt his heart. "You didn't beat the competition -- you crushed the competition," Simon raves.

Has Baby Elmo reassumed the "Idol" crown? Seacrest turns to the camera and reminds viewers this is the week Chris Daughtry went home on an earlier edition of "Idol" because we thought he was safe and did not phone in enough votes.

After which Daughtry went on to launch his hugely successful career while that year's winner has flamed out -- which Seacrest neglects to mention.

After frightening us with word that we know more about this year's five remaining Idolettes than about any other contestants in "American Idol" history, show host Ryan Seacrest says he's "still out of breath" from previous night's Paula Abdul Goes Psychic Show.

"I don't know if it's the strangest we've ever had, but certainly the fastest," he says. Wrong. It was the strangest, but the usual length.

Brooke White (center) is eliminated from the competition. (Ray Mickshaw/FOX)

The Idolettes do what they can with such Neil Diamond tunes as "Cracklin' Rosie," "Song Sung Blue" and "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" during the traditional Results Show Group Idol Sing, while silently cursing their grandparents for making this guy into a star.

Former Idolettes Constantine Maroulis -- I can't believe I ever rooted for him even if he did sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" -- and Gina Glocksen have been hosting a Fox Reality channel show that recaps "Idol," and, for reasons never explained, Seacrest gives them a big fat plug when there's only three more weeks to go on this season's competition.

The producers recap the previous night's show, minus Paula's interesting critique of Jason Castro's second song before he actually sang it. After that, Seacrest dives right in.

"Last night the judges were thrown a curve ball," he said, referring to the producers' bait-and-switch in which they told the judges to hold their critiques until after each Idolette had sung a second Diamond tune, only to surprise them and ask for their comments once all five Idolettes had finished Round 1.

"It sparked a lot of gossip about Paula," Seacrest says, referring, among other chatter, to a report by a syndicated celebrity suck-up show that it had found a waiter who claims to have served Paula a drink at lunch on Tuesday -- which, the show's Web site extrapolates, may mean she was drunk during "Idol" that night. Ah, drunk and psychic!

Other reports speculated Paula had been given a script, that the show isn't really live, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, while Seacrest's speaking. Paula is in her chair, dressed as Patty Duke. She looks stricken, like Patty upon discovering her boyfriend, Richard is going to the prom with her identical cousin Cathy.

"The rumors are not true," Seacrest says.

"She is part of our family and we love her."

Judge Simon Cowell kisses Paula. Judge Randy Jackson kisses Paula. Paula is forgiven.

Time to start whacking Idolettes. Jason is brought on stage. Seacrest calls him J-Cas and wonders why even Paula savaged his two performances of Neil Diamond tunes -- both before and after he gave them. Jason says he gets better reviews when he's actually heard of the songs he's singing, or when he changes them drastically. He clearly has confused himself with David Cook. This week just gets weirder and weirder. But the judges' bad reviews mean squat to his prepubescent-chick voting block, and Jason is sent to the Sofa of Safety.

Which is interesting because this is usually the point in "Idol" where the Web site Dialidol starts getting accurate and it has Jason as the second-lowest vote getter.

David Archuleta is brought out next. Seacrest asks Paula why she said Baby Elmo needs to look like he's having more fun. Paula says because fun is what he needs to have more of. Baby Elmo says he had fun but he will try to have more. Seacrest says he's safe. "Oh my god!" mumbles Baby Elmo; he continues to mumble as he joins Jason on the sofa.

Randy models the new viewer-designed Coca-Cola cup while Seacrest shouts "Love the Cup! Be the Cup!"

Former Coroner Munchkin is brought out. He cracks his neck and looks vaguely bored. Seacrest wonders what David C. was thinking when Paula said Tuesday she thinks she's already looking at the next American Idol. Since "she was served a drink at lunch" and "she was handed a script" are not options, David C. says he was thinking about how the previous week, when Simon super-praised Carly Smithson, it was "the kiss of death." (Carly was last week's bootee). Seacrest sends him to the Sofa of Safety, making FCM feel a perfect fool. Oh wait, no he doesn't.

That leaves Nanny Brooke and Syesha Mercado as the Bottom Two vote-getters. Or does it? Interestingly, Seacrest never says so, and Dialidol has Syesha as this weeks TOP vote-getter. Seacrest says only, "One of you is safe and the other is going home, unfortunately" and never refers to them as the "Bottom Two."

We mull the possibility that the producers did not want Jason to be revealed as the other half of the Bottom Two this week because it would cause the J-Cas Pre-Pubescent Chick Fan Club to rally next week to save him, so they made Syesha suffer needlessly to ensure Jason goes home next week.

Seacrest tortures Syesha and Nanny Brooke with blather about their song choices and asks Syesha whether it's tough to pick songs each week. She resists the urge to smack him and says yes, it is, because most of the time she's never heard of any of the songs from which she has to choose. Seacrest tells them they can both spend some time on the Sofa of Safety while this week's British pop singer, Natasha Bedingfield, performs.

Natasha Bedingfield is wearing a shocking amount of clothing for a pop-singer chick -- some peasant-blouse thing that's not even falling off a shoulder, and sailor pants. She's so covered up, if she weren't blonde and wearing nearly as much eye makeup as Amy Winehouse, she'd be a total disaster.

She sings some pocket full of sunshine song, the gist of which seems to be that sticks and stones are never gonna break her, after which she demands to be allowed to go over to the Sofa of Safety to see David. David C. stands up, naturally assuming she means him. She runs over to Baby Elmo, plants herself next to him and gives him a big kiss, totally ignoring David C. I love live TV.

If you thought last week's lack of Phone Company Sponsors Actual Phone Calls segment on results night meant focus groups had told the network it was the worst product-placement idea ever, you were wrong. It's back. Shockingly, it coughs up something almost amusing: one Tara Miller, 46, from Petaluma, Calif., who calls in to find out which Simon thought better, kissing Paula several seasons back, or kissing her in his garden when he was 9 years old.

"Do you still look cute?" Simon asks before committing, no doubt anticipating if he says his 9-year-old kiss was better, he will be haunted by pictures in the tabs on Friday of some wizened old hag, run with the headline "Simon Says I'm the Best Kisser!"

Tara cleverly responds that she thinks he has aged well and she thinks she has, too. Even so, Simon declines to answer her. But Seacrest jumps in to tell all those kiddies watching that 9 years old is too young to start kissing: "You need to wait a bit."

How can the Ford Music Video top that? It can't, though it tries, by suggesting Ford hybrid vehicles can clean up graffiti and make flowers bloom and trees grow in the ghetto.

Finally, it's time for Neil Diamond himself to perform his tune "Pretty Amazing Grace." It's a pretty okay tune for a Neil Diamond song, which is to say it has no deaf chairs or cracklin' rosies.

Before he chats with Seacrest, he points out his mom in the audience. How can Neil Diamond be older than his own mother? Diamond says he continues to work even though, as Seacrest suggests, he doesn't need to, because he gets to put on clothes and people clap and he sings. "It's fun."

Seacrest wonders how he thought the Idolettes did the night before. You know what's coming:

"I thought the kids did great."

Time for someone to get whacked. Syesha and Nanny Brooke are brought back on stage. After 45 million votes, America has decided that the Idolette who is leaving is Brooke, Seacrest says.

"Yep," says Nanny Brooke, weeping. Nanny Brooke, frequent forgetter of lyrics, finally gets her walking papers, ironically, the night after remembering all the lyrics to her two tunes this week -- even the bit about no one hearing at all, not even the chair, in "I Am . . . I Said." She did write one of the tougher lines on the palm of her hand, about how the palm trees grow and the rents are low. Except, she forgot she was going to be playing the piano, which would've made it a bit tough to look at the lyrics on her hand.

But that's all moot now. Because Nanny Brooke is out.

"The brave, the vulnerable, the candid, the beautiful Brooke White," Seacrest gushes.

"I want to say thank you. This is gonna be terrible for me right now, but thank you," Nanny Brooke scolds though her tears.

She begins to sing her swan song, a re-do of "I Am . . . I Said."

And, in a perfect ending, she botches the lyrics -- twice.

"American Idol" comes unhinged on Neil Diamond Night.

For starters, each of the remaining five Idolettes gets to sing not one but two Diamond tunes. Then, to save time, the show's judges -- Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, won't get to critique the Idolettes until each has performed both tunes.

"Bring those perky contestants in," Diamond says in a taped bit, giving us hope this week might be as good as last week's Andrew Lloyd Webber night, if only Diamond's being sarcastic.
Sadly, he's not, which becomes apparent as he prattles on about his songs being written to be joyful.

David Archuleta performs. (Frank Micelotta/FOX)

ROUND 1

Jason Castro rehearses "Forever in Blue Jeans" with Diamond, only he's brought along the lyrics to his second tune, "September Morn." Even so, Diamond thinks Jason will "do great."
Diamond is overly optimistic, as befits a guy whose songs are written to be joyful. Jason does well enough, though he sounds and looks like he's been eating those flowers he used to put in his dreadlocks. The Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters are so unable to pick up the beat they don't even try to do The Wave.

Show host Ryan Seacrest asks David Cook how he has prepared to sing "I'm Alive." David C. says he was going to ask Seacrest the same thing. Oh snap! But Seacrest, presumptive winner of the Very First Primetime Emmy Award for Best Reality Series Host, misses nary a beat and says he uses his hairbrush for a mike and sings in front of the mirror, teaching David C. that he messes with The Seacrest at his own peril. Diamond is seen predicting in a taped bit that David C. will "do great."

Once again -- too joyful in his prediction, though David C. is pretty good.

When Nanny Brooke meets Diamond in the taped bit, she asks whether he's a hugger or a handshaker. He thinks it's a trick question and doesn't want to commit, saying he's both. Nanny Brooke will first sing "I'm a Believer" like a Junior Leaguer at a hootenanny, followed by a more introspective "I Am ... I Said" at the piano with some of the more difficult lyrics -- something about palm trees grow and the rents are low -- written on the palm of her hand lest she forget the words to a song for the third time this season. Diamond suggests that for the second song, she change the reference to being New York born and raised to Arizona, since that's where she's from, which will make it more "genuine" -- which is an interesting word to use in connection with a song that includes such lyrics as "and no one heard at all, not even the chair."

David "Baby Elmo" Archuleta has picked "Sweet Caroline" for his first tune. Diamond says he's "kind of a prodigy" and with a little guidance "I think he will do great."

We're sensing a trend. Or some senility setting in. Anyway, Baby Elmo's performance is the same as ever because he can't seem to do otherwise, whether he's singing a goofy tune like this one or the heavy-message song he favors. Oh, and David A. already has forgotten Andrew Lloyd Webber's advice about not shutting his eyes.

Syesha Mercado picks "Hello Again," on which, Diamond says, she did a "wonderful job" during rehearsals. He predicts she will -- wait for it -- "do great" on "Idol" night. If she could just add skating, she would make an excellent star of Idols on Ice. Instead, she performs barefooted for reasons that are never explained, which is kinda like introducing a knife in Act 1 without having used it by the final curtain. The audience feels cheated.

First round over, all the Idolettes are brought back onstage so the judges can do some speed-critiquing. Randy calls Jason "okay," David C. good, Brooke "better than last week" but still "karaoke" and David A. "the bomb," while Syesha was "in the zone."

What happens next is the Very Best Paula Moment. Ever. She has hallucinated an entire second song performance by Jason before he's given it. She says she loves hearing his lower register in his first song, but feels he did not do enough with his second song or something. Everyone looks confused -- including Paula, who says, "Oh, I thought you sang twice."

"You're seeing the future, baby -- come back!" Seacrest says.

Simon jumps in while Paula tries to swat the bats out of her brain. Jason was "forgettable," David C. "just above average," Nanny Brooke "a nightmare," David A. "amateurish" and Syesha "old fashioned," he says, telling the Idolettes they'd better pull off the "performances of a lifetime" the next go-round.

He's apparently forgotten they're stuck with Neil Diamond tunes.

ROUND 2

Jason faces the biggest challenge any "American Idol" contestant has ever faced. He has to deliver a performance that's already been panned by one of the judges before he even sings a note. Cleverly, he picks "September Morn," which he sings in a register that can be heard only by prepubescent girls, who are voting for him by the millions, but not by any of the judges. Understandably, neither Randaula nor Simon is impressed. Frustrated, Simon even predicts Jason will look back at his performance tonight and "not know who this person is." Which is undoubtedly true, but for a different reason than Simon thinks and having mostly to do with those flowers we think he's been pulling out of his hair and eating.

David C., who sadly no longer bears any resemblance to the Coroner Munchkin -- a pox upon those "Idol" makeover artists! -- does "All I Really Need Is You." Randaula and Simon seem convinced they are looking at the next American Idol. David C. simpers.

Nanny Brooke's "I Am ... I Said" makes no sense when she changes "New York" to "Arizona" -- at the suggestion of Diamond -- because then she can't be "lost between two shores" living in Los Angeles. Sadly, this geographic blooper is lost on the judges who seem mostly relieved she remembers all the lyrics -- even the one about the deaf chair.

News Flash: Carly Simon has told the Associated Press Nanny Brooke should win "Idol" this year because a few weeks back when she sang Simon's "You're So Vain" she sang the song "so much better than I ever did or ever could." Then again, Carly Simon also says she doubts Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Joni Mitchell or her ex, James Taylor, would have gone far on "Idol" because they had untrained voices. She's clearly senile.

Baby Elmo plays the Kristy Lee Cook Patriot Card, singing "Coming to America" while a U.S. flag waves in the background. He sounds like a performer at Disneyland. We resist the urge to imagine Disney cash cow Hannah Montana deflowering him in a Scary-Stage-Parent-arranged sex scandal. Randaula calls the patriot card his "zone" and Simon calls it "a smart choice of songs ... it ticked all the boxes."

Syesha's back to sing "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime" and once again she's barefoot, causing Randaula to begin blathering about her wonderful Broadway/theatrical place.

"This is officially the strangest show we've ever done," Simon says. Getting back to Syesha, he says she's demonstrated she's a very good "actress-singer" but predicts she's getting the hook this week. Safe bet given her frequent visits to the Stools of the Bottom 2 or 3.

-- LISA DE MORAES