While Lisa de Moraes is watching the television networks unveil their new season schedules in New York, Designated "American Idol" Pinch-Blogger Teresa Wiltz gives a play-by-play of this week's Final Three singing competition.

Rough week for David Archuleta on "American Idol," what with all that Stage-Dad-possibly-banned-from-rehearsals hoo-ha. (Was Stage Dad behind last week's lyric change? Ooooh, the scandal!)

Contestant Syesha Mercado performs. (Ray Mickshaw/FOX)

But the Cherubic One rallies on last night's performance show, electing to take a walk on the wild side and "sing something youthful." Which is to say, to perform something recorded in this century. Something a teenager would (and did) sing (better): Chris Brown's "With You." There is perhaps nothing more terrifying than the sight of Archuleta getting all pitchy wit' it, warbling off-key, "I need you boo ... Hey! Little mama ..."

Aw-kward.

Or, as judge Simon Cowell puts it, "I applaud you that you didn't do a treacly ballad. ... However, it was like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger."

This is to be the big showdown, the big windup to the finale, the night the Final Three strut their stuff for the last time before being whittled down to the Final Two. But no one really brought it.

Syesha Mercado, hair pressed into submission, does her best to convince viewers that what she really wants to do is sing ... on Broadway. (Note to producers: Bring back the 'fro!)

David Cook takes on a Diane Warren classic, slathering it with all sorts of cheesy stadium-rock histrionics. (Cut to requisite audience shot of a beaming Warren.)

And perhaps most disappointing of all, Paula Abdul shows up sane. Though at one point, she does, as Ryan Seacrest puts it, stand up and start "spinning her finger in the air like she just don't care."

So all in all, one big snooze.

Judges Randy Jackson and Simon do the standard pretend-bicker thing, fussing over who picked the more staid and stolid song in Round 1, the Judges' Pick. Was it Simon, who chose "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" for David C.? Or Randy picking Alicia Keys's "If I Ain't Got You"?

Paula and Simon get testy about the subject matter of Syesha's choice for Round 3, the Producers' Pick ("Hit Me Up" from "Happy Feet").

Paula: "That was from the 'Happy Feet' soundtrack.

Simon (derisively): "It's a song about penguins."

Paula (defensively): "It's a movie about penguins."

Round 1: David A., without the presumed influence of Stage Dad, sings Billy Joel's "And So It Goes." Paula's pick. Sounds like an angel, bores us into wondering if he spends a lot of time in the mirror, using his hairbrush as a microphone, practicing moony faces. Paula, all somber and earnest, declares him a "storyteller." Randy tells him he was "in the zone" and "in it to win it." Simon all but yawns and calls it "predictable," which is true.

Randy announces he picked Keys's song for Syesha because "she's like young, hot, unbelievably talented and in charge." Regrettably, only the hot part was in evidence. Simon's consolation: "You look gorgeous, by the way."

Round 1 goes to David C. and his surprisingly effective, rockerish take on "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," a tune made famous back in the day by the fabulous Roberta Flack. Goose bumps.

Round 2: David A. ruins the aforementioned Chris Brown song. Syesha inexplicably chooses to do an old Peggy Lee number, "Fever." Simon pronounces it a "lame cabaret performance," saying, "I think you will probably regret that choice tomorrow." We hate to agree, because we've been a fan, but we don't think she'll make the cut this week.

Round 3: Does it really matter? I mean, really? Syesha's out, leaving the boys to battle it out next week. Bet on it.

Never in this season of "American Idol" has it been so clear who should get the old heave-ho on results-and-product-plug night. The previous night, Jason Castro mutilated Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" and forgot lyrics on Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" -- two songs he said he chose to sing because he knew them well.

Jason Castro gets eliminated. (Frank Micelotta/FOX)

It was one of the most dramatic "Idol" shows ever, Larry King's presumptive CNN replacement Ryan Seacrest tells us right off the bat, while NBC's "Deal or No Deal" star Howie Mandel is seen watching approvingly from the audience. NBC quickly drafts a contract clause banning its ratings star from being seen watching other networks' programs.

The super-dramatic Tuesday show resulted in this season's biggest haul of votes -- 51 million. Ironically, that's in inverse proportion to the number of viewers -- 21.8 million, the smallest for an "Idol" competition since 2003.

But first, it's time for one of our favorite results-show segments: Let's Clear Things Up, Shall We?
Seacrest asks judge Randy Jackson why he made I'm Syesha Mercado! cry the night before. Randy says he saw her after the show and said he was sorry and Syesha assured him he had not made her cry -- judge Paula Abdul did when she stood up and welcomed Syesha to her dream. Syesha's dream, that is, not Paula's.

Seacrest wonders why judge Simon Cowell looked so angry on Tuesday. Simon says he wasn't angry, he was just surprised at some of the disastrous song choices.

Seacrest reminds us the top four will become the top three but not for an hour, during which we will be subject to all kinds of infomercials for this and that.

But first the "American Idol" Results Show Medley, Steely Dan's "Reeling in the Years," which the Idolettes sing while marching around the gimongous stage like a high school band, and Judge Judy keeps an eye on things from the audience.

Then, a look back at the previous night's catastrophic rock-and-roll episode.

"Someone's dream will be crushed," Seacrest intones once that taped bit is over.

There aren't many seats on the Crushed Velvet Sofa of Safety, Seacrest says, bringing out David Archuleta first.

"Um, yeah, um, I'd love to," Baby Elmo says in response to Seacrest's penetrating question about whether he would like to be the next American Idol. Anyway the answer's good enough for Seacrest, who sends him to the Sofa of Safety.

Time for another taped bit, in which the Idolettes are shipped to Vegas to be the traveling petting zoo at Cirque du Soleil's Beatles Love! show. They were transported to Vegas on their own 737 jet and the inspiration for this trip, Seacrest explains, was a trip made by the Fab Four, a.k.a. the Beatles, in an actual plane, lo these many years ago. Seacrest calls the four finalists "our own Fab Four." We resist the urge to put a pillow over our head and smother ourself.

In the taped Vegas bit, a chick is seen grabbing and kissing Jason. He reports it was scary. Then he goes and kisses a dolphin that seems just as scared.

But before the Idolettes are trotted out on the red carpet, they are taken to a Vegas spa for some sprucing up, just like on the "Wizard of Oz" before Dorothy's audience with the Wizard. It's David Cook's first manicure ever. His hair has been done up again to look like the WoO's Coroner Munchkin. I'm Syesha Mercado! is dressed as an artichoke.

Seacrest brings David C. onstage. Randy is asked to give him some advice. "Stay original, dude, and rock it out, baby," Randy suggests.

David C. says he felt off the night before because he woke up in the morning and his head was in the wrong place. He did not mention where he found it. Even so, viewers have voted him through to the Sofa of Safety.

In this week's Ford Vehicle Video, a mustang is playing a bull and the Idoletttes are bullfighters.

"Well -- those pants looked comfortable!" Seacrest says of the costume.

The Phone Company Actual Phone Calls From Viewers segment begins with Emily from Pittsburgh asking David C. to go out with her.

"We can link this up," Seacrest tells her, enthusiastically.

"We'll see," a panicked David C. says.

Sarah wonders what have been the Idolettes biggest challenges on the show. "Stage fright!" I'm Syesha Mercado! says. Baby Elmo can't think of any. But Jason says without hesitation it's being brain dead that's the hardest.

Allison from South Carolina wonders why Simon hasn't been knighted by the queen yet. Simon says he asks himself that same question every day and sends a message to the queen that he's available.

Maura wants to know how Syesha feels about being the only remaining girl Idolette. Syesha says it's awkward because the remaining guy Idolettes are really funny. Seacrest wonders how Paula feels being the only chick on the judges panel. "Fantastic," Paula says.

And, finally, Marla from Cleveland wants Simon to be the next James Bond.

Maroon 5 performs by way of hawking its new tour while Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters try to crawl on stage to get nearer.

Former Idolette Bo Bice performs a tune from his new CD. He makes David C. look less like Chris Daughtry Lite and more like great. He admonishes the Idolettes to "Practice, practice, practice."

Meanwhile, another former Idolette, Ace Young will be the murder victim on an upcoming episode of "Bones" -- hooray!

Finally, it's time to put Syesha and Jason out of their misery. But first, Seacrest bats them around with stupid questions, including asking Jason what went wrong the previous night. He explains it's been getting tough on him due to his "inexperience" and that even when he picks tunes he knows, he messes up.

Syesha is asked again about her good cry and the meaning of one of her songs of choice, "A Change Is Gonna Come."

"We're in 2008; we might have our first female president of the United States or our first black president," she says. Yeah, that's what had her sobbing on national TV the night before -- the Democratic presidential race. That and "what I'm going through right now," she adds.

Jason's out, Seacrest says. Jason's relieved, Jason says, explaining he did not want to have to learn three tunes next week. The producers have him re-slaughter "I Shot the Sheriff" on the strength of his having remembered all the lyrics the previous night.

Rock-and-roll night on "American Idol" should be a slam-dunk for this year's token rocker, David Cook, right?

He starts off Round 1 of this week's competition with Duran Duran's "Hungry Like a Wolf" because, he notes, it came out the year he was born.

Contestant David Archuleta performs at the "Idol Gives Back" show at the Kodak theatre in Hollywood, Calif. (Reuters)

He promises to add David Cookian twists to the song but if he has, they're well hidden. Judge Randy Jackson calls it just "a'ight" while judge Paula Abdul begins to ramble about his hunger being her big appetite, which raises the "American Idol" Decency Police Alert Level to Orange. Paula also tries to explain to the Former Coroner Munchkin how his appetite and her hunger enable her to endure being the only girl in the boys' club, but he's too busy doing his slow eye blink for the Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters who are weeping and wailing about their love for him, to listen. Judge Simon Cowell calls David C.'s version a "little bit copycat," which is like calling Paula a little bit crazy last week when she critiqued Jason Castro's first and second performances after he'd sung only one tune.

"Paula's got the appetite tonight!" show host Ryan Seacrest smirks.

Syesha Mercado wastes no time getting all I'm Syesha Mercado! on us, telling Seacrest she's sooooo excited to be going on the "American Idol" Tour because it's all about "being able to meet all my fans!"

She sings "Proud Mary," though it's a trademark Tina Turner tune and has been covered by about 100 others, because she talked to herself in her mirror and told herself to "Just Do It." She then tries to do Beyonce doing Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary." We've seen Beyonce doing Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary" at the Kennedy Center, Syesha, and you are no Beyonce doing Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary."

Even so, she's got Randy fooled; he says she "showed up." Paula begins to babble about facing the fear is when magic happens. Simon, the only judge worth listening to, calls it a "bad impersonation of Tina Turner."

And, just when we thought we'd be Nanny Brooke-free for the rest of our lives, Syesha goes all Nanny Brooke on us and starts talking over Simon, telling him patronizingly that his criticism of her "is okay."

"I was trying to have fun," she explains to him.

"Good. I didn't," Simon snaps back.

Randy says Simon got it wrong because Simon's from England but he, Randy, is from Louisiana. Syesha tells Seacrest she's trying to show viewers she wants to have fun. "I think your hips got very comfortable this week," Seacrest responds, in re her bump-and-grind-lite performance.

Jason, who, after a promising start -- that's my story and I'm sticking to it -- has devolved into this year's Sanjaya Malakar, wants us to know he only recognized a few of the hundreds of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tunes from which he had to chose. Of those, he's picked Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" because, he says, he's never performed it before. If there's a god in Heaven, Jason will never perform it again. And should he, by some miracle, get crowned this year's Idol he will never ever be allowed to record it. If iTunes is smart, it will strike this one from its "American Idol" offerings. Even Jason's family looks subdued after his performance.

How bad was it? Randy calls it Karaoke Bob. Paula says she's never seen Jason perform more for the audience and that he's so real and so genuine his "artistry shines through."

"Stand back!" warns Simon, before calling Jason's performance "utterly atrocious" and "American Idol" Bad Auditions Episodes bad.

"I don't know what you were thinking!" Simon says, summing things up neatly.

"I was thinking Bob Marley -- yeah!" Jason explains helpfully/cluelessly.

"It almost feels like Randy and you, Simon, are ticked off," notes Seacrest, Master of Understatement. Simon, now on a tear, insists the only good thing about Jason's singing was his hair -- our favorite "Idol" putdown ever.

David Archuleta, the Artist Formerly Known as This Year's Winner, picks "Stand by Me" because, he says, he's only sung it to himself and his dog, to date. After weeks of robotic performances, it's Baby Elmo's first sign of life, and Randaula loves it. Simon notes Baby Elmo could have whistled the tune and sounded better than Jason, but instead went further and delivered the night's best performance so far.

In Round 2, David C. sings "Baba O'Riley" by the Who. He's much better than in Round 1, though he's no Baby Elmo. Randmon says this is the David C. they love. David begins doing the slow-motion eye-blink thing he does when simpering, as Paula starts shouting, "I just want more!" and how "humbled" she is to "watch your soul" while the "American Idol" Decency Police ready their hypodermic needles.

Rascal Flatts is sitting in the audience, dangerously close to Baby Elmo's Scary Stage Dad.

I'm Syesha Mercado! says she chose "A Change Is Gonna Come" for her second song because it was about the civil rights movement but is now, for her, an anthem to her own journey on "Idol." She's weak in parts but fine elsewhere in the song, and besides, she's dresses as one of the minor goddesses in Greek mythology in a gown that perfectly frames her ample shoes. Randy does not love it, but Paula gives her a standing ovation and gushes, "Welcome to Your Dream!" causing Syesha to start bawling and blathering about her journey on "Idol," which, we all know, has included many turns on the Stools of Loserdom. Simon, mysteriously, agrees with Paula and points out Randy got it all wrong in re Syesha. Seacrest thanks Randy "for the buzz kill" and what follows is loads of cross talk among the judges, which gets shut down only when Seacrest shouts, "We're running out of time! 'Hell's Kitchen' is going to start!"

Jason's back, threatening us with "another Bob." But, mercifully, he does not mean another Marley tune, he means Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man." He forgets a goodish chunk of the lyrics but does not, like Nanny Brooke, stop the song, blush prettily and tell the house band to take it from the top. No, he plays ahead and improvises lyrics that go "um, um, um, um, um, umpity um."

Randy, having run out of thoughts of his own, asks Jason how he thought he did. Jason laughs and says he forgot some of the lyrics. Randy finally thinks of something to say -- that Jason is "not in the zone" -- duh. Paula tells Jason that while he did not blow us away, he blew her away. The AIDP get out their butterfly net.

"I'd pack your suitcase," Simon advises Jason.

And, finally, Baby Elmo pulls out all the stops and sings "Love Me Tender," which he says is his very first love song, while the "American Idol" Camera locks in on a close-up of his face and hangs on for dear life. Randy praises him for caressing every word. Paula says she felt his heart. "You didn't beat the competition -- you crushed the competition," Simon raves.

Has Baby Elmo reassumed the "Idol" crown? Seacrest turns to the camera and reminds viewers this is the week Chris Daughtry went home on an earlier edition of "Idol" because we thought he was safe and did not phone in enough votes.

After which Daughtry went on to launch his hugely successful career while that year's winner has flamed out -- which Seacrest neglects to mention.

After frightening us with word that we know more about this year's five remaining Idolettes than about any other contestants in "American Idol" history, show host Ryan Seacrest says he's "still out of breath" from previous night's Paula Abdul Goes Psychic Show.

"I don't know if it's the strangest we've ever had, but certainly the fastest," he says. Wrong. It was the strangest, but the usual length.

Brooke White (center) is eliminated from the competition. (Ray Mickshaw/FOX)

The Idolettes do what they can with such Neil Diamond tunes as "Cracklin' Rosie," "Song Sung Blue" and "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" during the traditional Results Show Group Idol Sing, while silently cursing their grandparents for making this guy into a star.

Former Idolettes Constantine Maroulis -- I can't believe I ever rooted for him even if he did sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" -- and Gina Glocksen have been hosting a Fox Reality channel show that recaps "Idol," and, for reasons never explained, Seacrest gives them a big fat plug when there's only three more weeks to go on this season's competition.

The producers recap the previous night's show, minus Paula's interesting critique of Jason Castro's second song before he actually sang it. After that, Seacrest dives right in.

"Last night the judges were thrown a curve ball," he said, referring to the producers' bait-and-switch in which they told the judges to hold their critiques until after each Idolette had sung a second Diamond tune, only to surprise them and ask for their comments once all five Idolettes had finished Round 1.

"It sparked a lot of gossip about Paula," Seacrest says, referring, among other chatter, to a report by a syndicated celebrity suck-up show that it had found a waiter who claims to have served Paula a drink at lunch on Tuesday -- which, the show's Web site extrapolates, may mean she was drunk during "Idol" that night. Ah, drunk and psychic!

Other reports speculated Paula had been given a script, that the show isn't really live, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, while Seacrest's speaking. Paula is in her chair, dressed as Patty Duke. She looks stricken, like Patty upon discovering her boyfriend, Richard is going to the prom with her identical cousin Cathy.

"The rumors are not true," Seacrest says.

"She is part of our family and we love her."

Judge Simon Cowell kisses Paula. Judge Randy Jackson kisses Paula. Paula is forgiven.

Time to start whacking Idolettes. Jason is brought on stage. Seacrest calls him J-Cas and wonders why even Paula savaged his two performances of Neil Diamond tunes -- both before and after he gave them. Jason says he gets better reviews when he's actually heard of the songs he's singing, or when he changes them drastically. He clearly has confused himself with David Cook. This week just gets weirder and weirder. But the judges' bad reviews mean squat to his prepubescent-chick voting block, and Jason is sent to the Sofa of Safety.

Which is interesting because this is usually the point in "Idol" where the Web site Dialidol starts getting accurate and it has Jason as the second-lowest vote getter.

David Archuleta is brought out next. Seacrest asks Paula why she said Baby Elmo needs to look like he's having more fun. Paula says because fun is what he needs to have more of. Baby Elmo says he had fun but he will try to have more. Seacrest says he's safe. "Oh my god!" mumbles Baby Elmo; he continues to mumble as he joins Jason on the sofa.

Randy models the new viewer-designed Coca-Cola cup while Seacrest shouts "Love the Cup! Be the Cup!"

Former Coroner Munchkin is brought out. He cracks his neck and looks vaguely bored. Seacrest wonders what David C. was thinking when Paula said Tuesday she thinks she's already looking at the next American Idol. Since "she was served a drink at lunch" and "she was handed a script" are not options, David C. says he was thinking about how the previous week, when Simon super-praised Carly Smithson, it was "the kiss of death." (Carly was last week's bootee). Seacrest sends him to the Sofa of Safety, making FCM feel a perfect fool. Oh wait, no he doesn't.

That leaves Nanny Brooke and Syesha Mercado as the Bottom Two vote-getters. Or does it? Interestingly, Seacrest never says so, and Dialidol has Syesha as this weeks TOP vote-getter. Seacrest says only, "One of you is safe and the other is going home, unfortunately" and never refers to them as the "Bottom Two."

We mull the possibility that the producers did not want Jason to be revealed as the other half of the Bottom Two this week because it would cause the J-Cas Pre-Pubescent Chick Fan Club to rally next week to save him, so they made Syesha suffer needlessly to ensure Jason goes home next week.

Seacrest tortures Syesha and Nanny Brooke with blather about their song choices and asks Syesha whether it's tough to pick songs each week. She resists the urge to smack him and says yes, it is, because most of the time she's never heard of any of the songs from which she has to choose. Seacrest tells them they can both spend some time on the Sofa of Safety while this week's British pop singer, Natasha Bedingfield, performs.

Natasha Bedingfield is wearing a shocking amount of clothing for a pop-singer chick -- some peasant-blouse thing that's not even falling off a shoulder, and sailor pants. She's so covered up, if she weren't blonde and wearing nearly as much eye makeup as Amy Winehouse, she'd be a total disaster.

She sings some pocket full of sunshine song, the gist of which seems to be that sticks and stones are never gonna break her, after which she demands to be allowed to go over to the Sofa of Safety to see David. David C. stands up, naturally assuming she means him. She runs over to Baby Elmo, plants herself next to him and gives him a big kiss, totally ignoring David C. I love live TV.

If you thought last week's lack of Phone Company Sponsors Actual Phone Calls segment on results night meant focus groups had told the network it was the worst product-placement idea ever, you were wrong. It's back. Shockingly, it coughs up something almost amusing: one Tara Miller, 46, from Petaluma, Calif., who calls in to find out which Simon thought better, kissing Paula several seasons back, or kissing her in his garden when he was 9 years old.

"Do you still look cute?" Simon asks before committing, no doubt anticipating if he says his 9-year-old kiss was better, he will be haunted by pictures in the tabs on Friday of some wizened old hag, run with the headline "Simon Says I'm the Best Kisser!"

Tara cleverly responds that she thinks he has aged well and she thinks she has, too. Even so, Simon declines to answer her. But Seacrest jumps in to tell all those kiddies watching that 9 years old is too young to start kissing: "You need to wait a bit."

How can the Ford Music Video top that? It can't, though it tries, by suggesting Ford hybrid vehicles can clean up graffiti and make flowers bloom and trees grow in the ghetto.

Finally, it's time for Neil Diamond himself to perform his tune "Pretty Amazing Grace." It's a pretty okay tune for a Neil Diamond song, which is to say it has no deaf chairs or cracklin' rosies.

Before he chats with Seacrest, he points out his mom in the audience. How can Neil Diamond be older than his own mother? Diamond says he continues to work even though, as Seacrest suggests, he doesn't need to, because he gets to put on clothes and people clap and he sings. "It's fun."

Seacrest wonders how he thought the Idolettes did the night before. You know what's coming:

"I thought the kids did great."

Time for someone to get whacked. Syesha and Nanny Brooke are brought back on stage. After 45 million votes, America has decided that the Idolette who is leaving is Brooke, Seacrest says.

"Yep," says Nanny Brooke, weeping. Nanny Brooke, frequent forgetter of lyrics, finally gets her walking papers, ironically, the night after remembering all the lyrics to her two tunes this week -- even the bit about no one hearing at all, not even the chair, in "I Am . . . I Said." She did write one of the tougher lines on the palm of her hand, about how the palm trees grow and the rents are low. Except, she forgot she was going to be playing the piano, which would've made it a bit tough to look at the lyrics on her hand.

But that's all moot now. Because Nanny Brooke is out.

"The brave, the vulnerable, the candid, the beautiful Brooke White," Seacrest gushes.

"I want to say thank you. This is gonna be terrible for me right now, but thank you," Nanny Brooke scolds though her tears.

She begins to sing her swan song, a re-do of "I Am . . . I Said."

And, in a perfect ending, she botches the lyrics -- twice.

"American Idol" comes unhinged on Neil Diamond Night.

For starters, each of the remaining five Idolettes gets to sing not one but two Diamond tunes. Then, to save time, the show's judges -- Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, won't get to critique the Idolettes until each has performed both tunes.

"Bring those perky contestants in," Diamond says in a taped bit, giving us hope this week might be as good as last week's Andrew Lloyd Webber night, if only Diamond's being sarcastic.
Sadly, he's not, which becomes apparent as he prattles on about his songs being written to be joyful.

David Archuleta performs. (Frank Micelotta/FOX)

ROUND 1

Jason Castro rehearses "Forever in Blue Jeans" with Diamond, only he's brought along the lyrics to his second tune, "September Morn." Even so, Diamond thinks Jason will "do great."
Diamond is overly optimistic, as befits a guy whose songs are written to be joyful. Jason does well enough, though he sounds and looks like he's been eating those flowers he used to put in his dreadlocks. The Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters are so unable to pick up the beat they don't even try to do The Wave.

Show host Ryan Seacrest asks David Cook how he has prepared to sing "I'm Alive." David C. says he was going to ask Seacrest the same thing. Oh snap! But Seacrest, presumptive winner of the Very First Primetime Emmy Award for Best Reality Series Host, misses nary a beat and says he uses his hairbrush for a mike and sings in front of the mirror, teaching David C. that he messes with The Seacrest at his own peril. Diamond is seen predicting in a taped bit that David C. will "do great."

Once again -- too joyful in his prediction, though David C. is pretty good.

When Nanny Brooke meets Diamond in the taped bit, she asks whether he's a hugger or a handshaker. He thinks it's a trick question and doesn't want to commit, saying he's both. Nanny Brooke will first sing "I'm a Believer" like a Junior Leaguer at a hootenanny, followed by a more introspective "I Am ... I Said" at the piano with some of the more difficult lyrics -- something about palm trees grow and the rents are low -- written on the palm of her hand lest she forget the words to a song for the third time this season. Diamond suggests that for the second song, she change the reference to being New York born and raised to Arizona, since that's where she's from, which will make it more "genuine" -- which is an interesting word to use in connection with a song that includes such lyrics as "and no one heard at all, not even the chair."

David "Baby Elmo" Archuleta has picked "Sweet Caroline" for his first tune. Diamond says he's "kind of a prodigy" and with a little guidance "I think he will do great."

We're sensing a trend. Or some senility setting in. Anyway, Baby Elmo's performance is the same as ever because he can't seem to do otherwise, whether he's singing a goofy tune like this one or the heavy-message song he favors. Oh, and David A. already has forgotten Andrew Lloyd Webber's advice about not shutting his eyes.

Syesha Mercado picks "Hello Again," on which, Diamond says, she did a "wonderful job" during rehearsals. He predicts she will -- wait for it -- "do great" on "Idol" night. If she could just add skating, she would make an excellent star of Idols on Ice. Instead, she performs barefooted for reasons that are never explained, which is kinda like introducing a knife in Act 1 without having used it by the final curtain. The audience feels cheated.

First round over, all the Idolettes are brought back onstage so the judges can do some speed-critiquing. Randy calls Jason "okay," David C. good, Brooke "better than last week" but still "karaoke" and David A. "the bomb," while Syesha was "in the zone."

What happens next is the Very Best Paula Moment. Ever. She has hallucinated an entire second song performance by Jason before he's given it. She says she loves hearing his lower register in his first song, but feels he did not do enough with his second song or something. Everyone looks confused -- including Paula, who says, "Oh, I thought you sang twice."

"You're seeing the future, baby -- come back!" Seacrest says.

Simon jumps in while Paula tries to swat the bats out of her brain. Jason was "forgettable," David C. "just above average," Nanny Brooke "a nightmare," David A. "amateurish" and Syesha "old fashioned," he says, telling the Idolettes they'd better pull off the "performances of a lifetime" the next go-round.

He's apparently forgotten they're stuck with Neil Diamond tunes.

ROUND 2

Jason faces the biggest challenge any "American Idol" contestant has ever faced. He has to deliver a performance that's already been panned by one of the judges before he even sings a note. Cleverly, he picks "September Morn," which he sings in a register that can be heard only by prepubescent girls, who are voting for him by the millions, but not by any of the judges. Understandably, neither Randaula nor Simon is impressed. Frustrated, Simon even predicts Jason will look back at his performance tonight and "not know who this person is." Which is undoubtedly true, but for a different reason than Simon thinks and having mostly to do with those flowers we think he's been pulling out of his hair and eating.

David C., who sadly no longer bears any resemblance to the Coroner Munchkin -- a pox upon those "Idol" makeover artists! -- does "All I Really Need Is You." Randaula and Simon seem convinced they are looking at the next American Idol. David C. simpers.

Nanny Brooke's "I Am ... I Said" makes no sense when she changes "New York" to "Arizona" -- at the suggestion of Diamond -- because then she can't be "lost between two shores" living in Los Angeles. Sadly, this geographic blooper is lost on the judges who seem mostly relieved she remembers all the lyrics -- even the one about the deaf chair.

News Flash: Carly Simon has told the Associated Press Nanny Brooke should win "Idol" this year because a few weeks back when she sang Simon's "You're So Vain" she sang the song "so much better than I ever did or ever could." Then again, Carly Simon also says she doubts Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Joni Mitchell or her ex, James Taylor, would have gone far on "Idol" because they had untrained voices. She's clearly senile.

Baby Elmo plays the Kristy Lee Cook Patriot Card, singing "Coming to America" while a U.S. flag waves in the background. He sounds like a performer at Disneyland. We resist the urge to imagine Disney cash cow Hannah Montana deflowering him in a Scary-Stage-Parent-arranged sex scandal. Randaula calls the patriot card his "zone" and Simon calls it "a smart choice of songs ... it ticked all the boxes."

Syesha's back to sing "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime" and once again she's barefoot, causing Randaula to begin blathering about her wonderful Broadway/theatrical place.

"This is officially the strangest show we've ever done," Simon says. Getting back to Syesha, he says she's demonstrated she's a very good "actress-singer" but predicts she's getting the hook this week. Safe bet given her frequent visits to the Stools of the Bottom 2 or 3.

-- LISA DE MORAES

Andrew Lloyd Webber Week Results Night on "American Idol" is a shocker from start to finish.

Show host Ryan Seacrest kicks things off by kissing judge Simon Cowell, after which he assures Simon, "Relax -- it didn't mean anything."

Even though it was only a kiss on the head, Simon is so stunned he reflexively moves his chair closer to judge Paula Abdul and puts his arm around her.

Paula is observing Andrew Lloyd Webber Week by dressing up as the Merry Widow, under the mistaken belief Lloyd Weber wrote that one, too.

Seacrest announces 38 million votes have been cast. TMZ is reporting "Idol" message boards are abuzz with news Jason Castro is this week's bootee and that it was somehow leaked by Seacrest himself and an e-mail was involved. This sounds extremely dubious, even though Castro mauled "Memory" from the play "Cats" the night before because he did not realize it was about, um, cats. Jason's performance was one of the evening's two worst -- the other being that of Nanny Brooke, who forgot the lyrics to her Lloyd Webber tune about four words in. I'm guessing the eviction of Jason would not be a shocker to anyone except millions of prepubescent girls who are in love with him.

"X Factor" winner Leona Lewis performs. (Michael Becker/FOX)

Tonight's "American Idol" mashup is "All I Ask of You" from -- gak -- "The Phantom of the Opera." Lloyd Webber is accompanying the Idolettes on the piano, trying not to look pained.

Then, because he is not Dolly Parton or Mariah Carey, Lloyd Webber chats with Seacrest about this and that. "Idol," he explains, is unique because the Idolettes are performing for viewers at home, performing for a panel of judges and performing for the Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters.

Seacrest brings up Nanny Brooke's historic forgetting of the lyrics and continues to insist it was an "Idol" first, even though it was not a first for "Idol" and not even a first for Nanny Brooke.

Lloyd Webber doesn't care; he's more interested in nicking Jason for not taking any of his advice during rehearsals. Lloyd Webber is the Practically Perfect American Idol Guest Judge and we will miss him.

Seacrest asks, if Lloyd Webber were to write a love song for Paula and Simon, what would it be called?

"Time to Say Goodbye"? Lloyd Webber suggests.

No? How about "How Can I Say I Miss You If You Won't Go Away."

Time for the Idolettes to provide on-air talent for the Ford Motor Co. for one of its music videos. This week it's done to the strains of "Tainted Love." The Idolettes are supposed to look tough. Nanny Brooke can't pull it off.

Look -- it's President Bush, still basking in the good reviews he got for his appearance on NBC's screaming-at-briefcases series "Deal or No Deal." And first lady Laura Bush, still looking a little dazed after her guest-host gig on NBC's "Today" show. They've agreed to be the ones to announce that this year's "Idol Gives Back" charity fundraiser collected $65 million, about 11 million bucks less than last year's. Yes, Seacrest is so powerful that when he doesn't want to be the one to break the bad news to America, they get the president of the United States to step in and do the dirty work for him.

And, speaking of "Idol Gives Back," what's the point of allowing that gas-bandit ExxonMobil to be an "Idol Gives Back" do-gooder mondo-sponsor if it's not going to make up the difference? What's a lousy $11 million to a company that in 2007 posted a $40.6 billion annual profit?

Time to start whacking Idolettes. Seacrest announces one of the Stools for the Bottoms of the Bottom Three has taken the buyout, so it's now the Stools for the Bottoms of the Bottom Two.

Next, he brings out The Davids -- Cook and "Baby Elmo" Archuleta. Will their bottoms be sent to the Stools for the Bottom Two's Bottoms?

Yeah, right! After David C. says smugly he sang his Lloyd Webber tune just the way Lloyd Webber intended it -- because what could be more unpredictable than for an unpredictable guy like him to sing so predictably -- and Baby Elmo says he's happy with what he did with his ALW tune, they're sent through to the Sofa of Safety.

Syesha and Carly hug it out. (Michael Becker/FOX)

"Idol" now is one step closer to the inevitable final Two Davids Showdown, and it's time to take a look at all the Idolettes who have been booted from the competition in years past but gone on to perform on Broadway. Diana DeGarmo, Tamyra Gray, Fantasia Barrino. Even Clay Aiken takes a break from his "I Am Now Too Big to Watch 'Idol'." position to show viewers where he gets his hair and makeup done to prepare for his role in "Spamalot." Tamyra Gray demonstrates the considerable ego she's grown now that she's in "Rent."

It's time for Leona Lewis, who won the third season of the British talent competition "X Factor," to sing her pop tune while dressed in some hideous sundress and with flames shooting up behind her.

Which can only mean it's time for Nanny Brooke and Syesha Mercado to come out on stage and learn their fates. Syesha delivered the previous night's second-best Lloyd Webber tune performance, so naturally, her bottom is sent to sit in a loser stool, while Nanny Brooke lives to forget more lyrics -- Neil Diamond's next week!

Simon says this is because when Nanny Brooke messed up so badly, she showed her humanity. Paula, however, goes with the "ginormous fan base" theory, adding that Syesha should be used to being in the bottom of the heap by now so it truly is the best of all possible worlds.

Only Jason Castro and Carly Smithson have yet to learn their fates. Jason whines that he doesn't want to have to sing "Memory" from "Cats" again. Which, of course, he will have to do if he gets the sack. But, with Jason having delivered the week's worst performance and now being the subject of a spoiler, he is naturally sent to the Sofa of Safety while Carly, who gave the week's best performance, is the other half of the Bottom Two. Simon says this is because when Jason mauled "Memory" from "Cats" he was charming.

As a special treat to viewers, this week both Bottom Two-ers get to sing their songs -- that's right, two more Lloyd Webber performances. Carly and Syesha are nearly as good as the previous night. Judge Randy Jackson wakes up and observes that this week seems to have played out as "a bit of a popularity week in the vote."

Could this be any more annoying?

Paula says she has never seen more "relaxation and joy," proving we were wrong and it can get more annoying.

Seacrest announces Carly's out. Simon, who's been savaging Carly for weeks, apologizes for having finally complimented her performance this week, a comment that he calls "the kiss of death." He's clearly thrilled.

Because "American Idol" hasn't yet lost enough of its 18- to 34-year-old viewers, Andrew Lloyd Webber is this week's guest judge and the Idolettes are being forced to sing his show tunes.

And yes, that means we, the viewers, must sit through two songs from "The Phantom of the Opera" and -- gak -- "Memory" from "Cats." Which reminds me how much I used to admire the distinguished gentleman who played the piano in the lounge of the lovely old Valencia hotel in La Jolla, Calif., and who when tourists would ask him to play "Memory" from "Cats" would tell them in the nicest possible way to buzz off. Good times.

Show host Ryan Seacrest tells us it will be the most daunting week ever for the Idolettes. What about the viewers, Ryan? Two "Phantom" songs, for god's sake!

And then, something strange begins to happen. Andrew Lloyd Webber turns into the Best "Idol" Guest Judge. Ever.

A "Memory" we'd like to forget: Jason Castro does his Andrew Lloyd Webber. (Frank Micelotta/FOX)

I mean, how can you resist a guy who says to the camera, "I don't think that girl had a clue what she was singing about," in a taped bit after suffering through Nanny Brooke singing "You Must Love Me" from the film adaptation of "Evita."

Syesha Mercado, who somehow keeps making it through week after week even though she's completely irrelevant, sings "One Rock & Roll Too Many" from "Starlight Express." I know, I've never heard of it either. Anyway, Lloyd Webber seems to have ginned up this hot-mama number and Syesha has a field day vamping and flirting with the band, which has been moved onto the stage to help fill its offputting cavernous-ness. Her singing is okay, but it doesn't matter, nor do the judges' comments, because she's wearing the most incredible red dress ever. Judge Simon Cowell calls it "very sexy" and "Michelle Pfeiffer lying on the piano." Which is overstating the facts but you get the drift.

"I never thought I'd see a man singing 'Memory' with dreadlocks," Lloyd Webber tells viewers.

He's referring, of course, to Jason Castro who, like Nanny Brooke, has no concept what he's singing during the taped rehearsal bit. He seems stunned when the composer explains it's a song sung "by an extremely old glamour puss" in the musical "Cats."

"I didn't know a cat was singing it," Jason says, dumbfounded. "I'm really nervous -- it's kind of a popular song," he adds. Lloyd Webber tells us he will not be surprised if Jason "ignores every single thing I told him" during rehearsal. Liking Lloyd Webber better and better.

Jason mauls "Memory" but, so far as the Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters are concerned, he transcends mere singing and they pour their little hearts into The Wave.

Randaula thinks it "musically a little bit of a train wreck." Simon, in the best crack of the night by someone other than Andrew Lloyd Webber, says Jason looks like a kid being forced by his mum and dad to sing this song at a wedding. It's especially true because Jason is dressed in one of the white suits made for the "Fantasy Island" remake NBC programming chief Ben Silverman has not yet thought of remaking, but will, in time.

Of Evita Peron in the song "You Must Love Me," Lloyd Webber patiently explains to Nanny Brooke, "She's dying and she knows it," while Nanny Brooke bites her lower lip and gives him her very best Tell Nanny Where It Hurts look.

"He looked into my eyes and like I got it!" she gushes at the camera, adding it was probably her " most powerful moment on the show" so far -- not to be confused with all the other most powerful moments on the show so far for Nanny Brooke.

After spending time with Nanny Brooke, Lloyd Webber pronounces her "a wonderful natural actress."

Speaking of Nanny Brooke and acting: Remember how dramatic it was last time she stopped a song and started over on the show? Well, she does it again. And this time her performance is flawless.

Seconds into her song, Nanny Brooke stops. The entire "Idol" audience holds its breath. She apologizes prettily and asks the "Idol" band if she can start over. They agree. She begins again. The audience continues to hold its collective breath while waiting to see if she'll remember the lyric this time. She does! Hooray for Nanny Brooke!

It's all downhill from there, unless you go in for Mary Poppins doing dying Evita while Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters give her the We Love You Nanny Brooke Wave. Sadly, the camera did not cut to Lloyd Webber in the audience so we could see how he was taking it.

"You must never start and stop," judge Paula Abdul admonishes. Has Paula finally seen through Nanny Brooke? It's like that scene in "All About Eve" when Bette Davis finally gets wise to faux-wide-eyed snake-in-the-grass Eve Harrington. And, just like in "All About Eve" the men are the last to figure her out. The men tell Nanny Brooke how brave it was for her to stop and start over. Seacrest even strokes her arm soothingly, while Nanny Brooke, insisting it's the first time anything like this has ever happened to her on the show, bites her lip to signal she's holding back tears. This is fast becoming my most favorite "Idol" episode ever.

David Archuleta picks the Lloyd Webber tune that most sounds like all the other tunes he's ever sung on "Idol," which happens to be "Think of Me" from -- gak -- "The Phantom of the Opera."

"Little David has a real musical soul to him but ... he must keep his eyes open. I can't watch someone who keeps his eyes closed all the time," Lloyd Webber scolds. We are now totally in love with him and sad that he is not one of the regular judges.

Little David's eyes are frozen open during his entire performance. We think he only blinks twice in two minutes, which is unsettling to watch. Nevertheless the judges give him his weekly dose of you-are-so-great.

Carly Smithson tries to sing some soppy girly Lloyd Webber song during the taped rehearsal bit, but the composer cuts her off and tells her to sing from "Jesus Christ Superstar" because "a girl with this on her arm" -- pointing at her tatts -- has to do "Superstar." Carly lights up and says she has just the right dress for the song. Please let it have sleeves.

It does! She is, as usual, a much better performer and singer than any of the other Idolettes, not that that's gotten her anywhere with the judges. Randaula calls her performance good, unexpected, and the minidress she's wearing "kinda fly." Simon, who really hates Carly, concedes it was one of his fave performances of the night. Carly shows off her "Simon Likes Me (This Week)" T-shirt she'd had made just in case.

And, finally, David Cook tells us he grew up doing musical theater -- and yet Lloyd Webber has to explain to him that his song of choice, "The Music of the Night" from -- gak -- "The Phantom of the Opera," is a love song. He demands that David C. sing the song to him as if he, Lloyd Webber, is a "gorgeous 17-year-old from the chorus line." David calls that a little strange.

David C. is so uncomfortable with a love song he sings it with a faux British accent, which, in turn, so confuses the Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters they completely forget to give him The Wave.

Undaunted, judge Randy Jackson declares it "molten hot." Paula gives her dreamy look and says David C. has a "beautiful instrument," which causes the Idol Decency Police, who have been napping under the table for weeks now, to snap to attention. Simon thinks David C. made the most of a song that was not right for him.

"We love you, David!" some chicks in the audience scream.

"I know, and it's a sign of your intelligence and innate good taste," he says with his eyes.

In a suspicious show of collegiality and generosity, our real TV columnist once again has given the keys to "American Idol" blogdom this week to Tamara Jones, auxiliary backup Designated Idol Watcher.

Sell the horse, suffer the consequences: Kristy Lee Cook is headed back to the Ponderosa, leaving six wannabe American Idols still standing.

Or not.

Actually, they're sitting -- cross-legged, in the middle of the stage -- in the first-ever live "American Idol" protest, led by dangerous teen anarchist David Archuleta, who is probably being reprogrammed by special Fox "counselors" at this very moment. Send donations to Free Baby Elmo, care of this newspaper.

Kristy Lee Cook gives her "Idol" farewell. (Frank Micelotta/FOX)

But first, a word from their sponsor: Ford has some wicked fun in its commercial, casting the seven Idolettes as marionettes singing "I want to break freeeeee." Carly Smithson looks like one of those dolls that will hide in your closet with an icepick after you go to bed. David A.looks relieved to have the strings attached again, so natural in this role that we expect to see Geppetto the Toymaker claiming dad's seat in the "Idol" audience.

Host Ryan Seacrest slips into his familiar Results Night mode, too, almost audibly smacking his lips over the torture to come. Tonight, he targets David Cook like a tabloid jackal circling prey.

David C. maintains his composure and dignity when Seacrest probes ruthlessly about his emotional state this past week -- a shameless attempt to exploit the reportedly grave illness of the finalist's brother.

Fortunately, most of the evening's interviewing is in the more capable hands of the viewers. Denise phones in to ask judge Simon Cowell to explain the difference between his favorite criticisms: theme-park performance, piano-bar performance, karaoke, and hamburger-without-meat performance (which Nanny Boohoo Brooke said hurt her feelings the night before). Alas, Simon has misplaced his Clever Rejoinder cheat-sheet tonight, and says they all mean "horrible."

Judge Paula Abdul is asked what song describes her relationship with Simon, and needs to have clues shouted at her by Seacrest and fellow judge Randy Jackson. For once, we think her confusion has nothing to do with whatever is in her sippy-cup. No, tonight it is clearly oxygen deprivation because a gigantic cabbage rose is strangling her, with assistance from a chainmail choker she is also wearing around her throat, which is further constricted by the knot on her halter dress.

The prelude to the night's high drama comes with guest mentor Mariah Carey performing a song called "Bye Bye" from her new album, waving like a malevolent homecoming queen at the finalists miserably waiting to see who is going to get whacked this time.

Despite such cruelty, Mariah does dress thoughtfully in what appears to be one of the postage stamps -- or maybe just half of one -- being hawked to raise donations for Idol Gives Back. (Is that feedback on the microphone, or is Mariah going for a sixth octave? Her breathiness fades in and out, too, as if someone keeps trying to smother her with a pillow mid-song).

Speaking of giving back, inordinate attention is devoted for the 748th time to the "sacrifice" Kristy Lee had to make to get to "Idol": selling her favorite barrel horse. Kristy Lee reveals that the buyer now doesn't want to sell the pawned pony back to her. Imagine that. Look for Kristy Lee to make her acting debut soon in the after-school special "My Former Friend Flicka."

Desperate to gin up suspense, Seacrest whiles away half the show shuffling the finalists around like so many cards in a deck stacked with mostly fours. Irritable and still not surprised, we are left with Syesha Mercado, Brooke White and Kristy Lee in one group, and David C., Jason Castro and Carly Smithson in the other.

David A., looking queasy backstage in a too-small red leather jacket (but thankfully, no weird black leather Dieter pants like the night before) is summoned forth, pronounced safe and ordered by Seacrest to go stand with whichever group he thinks is safe.

Plop. He sits down instead.

"I just wanna stay here," he whimpers.

Okay, okay, so maybe it was more an act of paralyzing indecision than bring-on-the-pepper-spray civil disobedience, but unless he's the surprise guest mentor next week, this is as close to Gandhi as "Idol" is going to get.

After failing to goad the 17-year-old to his feet, an increasingly annoyed Seacrest finally discloses that Brooke, Syesha and Kristy Lee are in the bottom three. They all make perfectly cute pouty faces that we're sure they didn't practice even once in front of a mirror, and Seacrest orders David A. to join the "safe" group.

Uh-uh. Still won't budge.

Which leaves Seacrest no choice but to summon the other "safes" over to join the Little Engine Who Wouldn't. David C. happily slides over on the floor to join David A., as does Jason, who is so mellow he would probably join a suckling pig in a pit barbecue. Carly ruins the moment -- so like her, she does it to herself all the time! -- by being unable to figure out how to sit down while wearing a dress. David A. finally gets up and Carly reaches out to throttle him, which is doubtless what happened when Scary Stage Parents got hold of him later, anyway.

Moving back to the more malleable Group of Doom, Seacrest grants Syesha immunity, while Simon predicts the obvious: "Maybe, Kristy, your time's up this time, sweetheart."

Adds Seacrest: "To that guy out there: Can she have her horse back?"

In a suspicious show of collegiality and generosity, our real TV columnist once again has given the keys to "American Idol" blogdom this week to Tamara Jones, auxiliary backup Designated Idol Watcher.

Yep, Simon and Randy were right all along: These girls are no Mariah Carey.

The boys are.

With the herd culled to seven Idolettes, the guys may be outnumbered now but they aren't about to be outsung as the five-time Grammy winner stops by to play guest mentor on "American Idol."

The pop diva brings along her little white dog, and apparently the two of them have divvied up the coaching tasks, which would explain some of the yelping and howling during the ladies' numbers.

David Archuleta launches the Mariah tribute with "When You Believe," a duet that sadly does not come with Whitney Houston singing her half. Baby Elmo does his usual professional job and the judges offer their usual pats on the head. We can't help but notice that Baby Elmo and judge Paula Abdul appear to be wearing the same peach lip gloss.

Judge Simon Cowell boasts that "I had a Number One with that record at Christmastime in the U.K.," and we make a note to search iTunes later. Simon singing? We could've sworn Alvin and the Chipmunks broke up years ago!

While Simon continues to sip from Paula's magic Coke cup, Carly Smithson gives us our own rush when she appears with actual sleeves on a not-ugly dress. Spared the distraction of the tattoo mural known as her right arm, we can focus entirely on Carly's performance of "I Can't Live (If Living Is Without You)."

Judge Randy Jackson thinks the middle "power parts" are cool, but her low notes are too "loosey-goosey." Paula likes Carly's restraint, and Simon doesn't think she pulled it off.

Our advice is to get rid of the sleeves again and wait for "Memento: The Musical" to debut on Broadway.

Syesha Mercado takes on a song Mariah wrote as a teenager, called "Vanishing," which should have been her fate weeks ago. Is she mocking us? Since no one is likely to recognize the song, who knows whether she mangled it?

Paula thinks it was smart and "unbelievably magical for you," and Simon decides it was "technically very, very good," but what does he know, he's a singing chipmunk.

Brooke White, the nanny whose spoonfuls of sugar never help the medicine go down, tries to lock-in some pity points by revealing she had to miss her sister's wedding last weekend and it made her cry. She's wearing a sparkly dove-gray dress, and we're tempted to throw in some free pretty points, too. But then she starts singing "Hero," and somewhere in the Arizona desert, a pack of coyotes is answering back.

Simon compares her performance to ordering a hamburger and "only getting the bun," and Randy interrupts to say there was meat in the bun but "no condiments, no mustard and mayo," and Paula talks over him to point out Brooke and host Ryan Seacrest "look great together on stage right now."

We're alarmed that Paula is the only one who has just made actual sense, and fret that we may be missing a pickle of our own by now.

Mariah Carey, who manages to exude both sincerity and class, offers each Idolette a bit of actual coaching instead of mere hugs, and we're admittedly excited that a Moment is going to occur when she tells pony pawner Kristy Lee Cook that her version of "Forever" is better than her own and gave her goosebumps. In case anyone missed that on the video clip, Kristy Lee helpfully repeats the praise in her own video-clip interview.

Randy quickly rains on that little parade by harrumphing that he didn't think it was amazing. Paula is blown away, and Simon says Kristy Lee was whiny and didn't give him chills.

David Cook wows Mariah with his "pretty and haunting" take on "Always Be My Baby," which proves to be an understatement. David C. is looking and sounding more and more like a possible hit-maker.

Randy declares him ready to make an album, and lumbers to his feet to offer his first standing ovation of the season, an act so momentous, evidently, that it requires an announcement first, which sort of defeats the whole spontaneous, blown-away effect of a standing O.

Paula runs her giraffe tongue across her lips in a disturbing way, and says, "you're it, you're it!" with the kind of conviction that suggests it's time for David C. to get a new cellphone number.

Simon declares that "this is sort of like coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air," and praises David C. for being daring: "You stood out by a mile."

Jason Castro wraps up the evening with "I Don't Wanna Cry," which may be a not-so-subliminal message for voters likely to put him in the bottom three again tonight.

Randy thinks it sounded like "some weird beach luau with someone playing music in the distance." Paula disagrees, and Simon sides with her.

"The guys completely won the night," Simon says.

Theodore and Alvin couldn't agree more.

One of the remaining Idolettes has got to go tonight. Who do you think will be eliminated?

David Archuleta
Jason Castro
David Cook
Kristy Lee Cook
Syesha Mercado
Carly Smithson
Brooke White

After a day's delay so "American Idol" could bring you the Miley Cyrus Queen of All Media Telethon, one of the Idolettes is gonna go.

First, show host Ryan Seacrest, who's hair keeps getting pointier, takes us on a walk down memory lane in re the night before. Ben Stiller wants to raise a googillion dollars, Robin Williams grabs judge Simon Cowell's heinie, Jimmy Kimmel makes fun of Cowell's man-breasts, Annie Lennox acts like an adult and sings a touching song as befits the occasion, everything that comes near Miley gets sucked into her Circle of Self-Absorption, girls swoon over Brad Pitt.

So far "Idol Gives Back" has raised more than $60 million for needy children, Seacrest announces, noting you can still make contributions -- indefinitely, it would seem.

In addition to being results night, this is also "IGB Flotsam & Jetsam Night," when we get to see all of the bits that did not make the fundraising celebrithon. It's like a master class in TV Extravaganza Editing.

Among the leftovers: A surprisingly roly-poly Zack & Cody read the toll-free phone number on the screen and urging viewers to make a contribution, followed closely by the traditional Celebrity Lip-Synch Dance Off. This time it's to the tune "I'm a Believer" -- featuring the likes of Camryn Manheim, Dr. Phil, Eddie Izzard, Michael Chiklis and Ricki Lake, but is won by the ever-adorable Selma Blair by virtue of her extra bouncy hair.

Seacrest announces 31 million votes were cast in the competition this week -- this season's biggest haul.

Michael Johns sings bye-bye. (Michael Becker/FOX)

He orders the lights dimmed and Nanny Brooke is called out on stage. "You were emotional" on the performance night, Seacrest says. Hello? What night isn't she emotional? This week it's because her sister is getting married on Saturday and she's not going to be there, she says. Realizing her mistake, she quickly says she doesn't know what's going to happen on "Idol" and maybe she will be at the wedding, and she doesn't want to be presumptuous, and "let's find out." Seacrest hands her her results card to read and, no surprise, she's safe and her sister's wedding will be Nanny Brooke weep-free.

Coroner Munchkin is out next, breathing worry-feigning sighs. Seacrest asks him about Simon having said his performance was pompous. CM notes Simon also called him arrogant and smug, which sounded like another way of saying "Simon's an ass." Simon begins to boo. Seacrest says CM is safe; CM gives a big ol' melodramatic sigh and heads to the Sofa of Safety.

This year's winner David Archuleta is also through to the next round which stands to reason.

It's time for Forest Whitaker's second video -- the first one made "IGB" night. This one: a child in Angola who lost his mother and spends his days helping his blind father, who lost his sight in a land-mine explosion.

The emotional documentary is followed immediately by last year's "Idol" winner Jordin Sparks duet/emoting with Chris Brown, after which some of her fans are brought on stage bearing framed platinum records to mark her having hit one million downloads of two tunes, and a gold album for the half-million sales of her debut CD.

"Thank you, guys!" Jordin gushes.

"I think the message here is 'American Idol' works!" Seacrest emotes. Yup, that will sure stop all the talk about the "Idol" winners who've recently lost their record deals.

Michael Chiklis says he'll come to your house and break down your door if you don't call the toll-free number on the screen and pledge some money.

This week's Ford Music Video involves being behind the wheel of some Ford sedan and deliberately skidding the car on a surface that's been doused with gallons of paint, so as to make a picture -- ironically while the song about just wanting to celebrate another day of living is playing. Of course, it's more fun if done while smoking and drinking, kids, but Ford's got no product in those categories so you'll just have to use your imagination.

Jason Castro and Seacrest debate the price of ukuleles and then Jason is sent to the sofa of safety. Likewise Kristy Lee Cook. That leaves Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson and Michael Johns in the Bottom Three.

Wow, Jim Carrey did not make "IGB" night -- and they owed him after he agreed to sit in the "Idol" audience a while back, dressed like an elephant to plug the new Fox animated flick "Horton Hears a Who!" He urges viewers to donate more money, after which Seacrest says "Idol Gives Back" isn't about one show or one night and Bono will explain. Bono, by video from Africa, tells us the three U.S. presidential candidates keep talking about "imagining a new America" and the America he's a fan of is one that picks up the phone and writes checks and sends in their pocket money to help needy people via his group one.org (which is part of "Idol Gives Back").

It's a clunky segue for the three presidential wannabes, who are finally getting their call-to-action closeups on "American Idol" after not making the cut to appear the night before.

The good news: They are reaching a larger audience on the results show than they would have during the celebrity-encrusted telethon for needy children. The "IGB" broadcast clocked about 17.7 million viewers -- a low number for an "Idol" broadcast these days.

With Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in a fight to the finish for the Democratic nomination, neither dares risk showing any crack in the veneer. It's all "collectively we can make the world a better place and we can give our children a brighter future," "when ordinary people come together they can do extraordinary things," and "I hope that everyone watching will make a contribution to 'Idol Gives Back' and help make this world a more just, more equal and more hopeful place to live."

John McCain, on the other hand, has the GOP nomination sewn up, so he can show a pulse:

"'American Idol' is a lot like a presidential primary election. Except for people who live in Michigan and Florida -- their votes will actually count!"

Snap!

Then he gives his "when Americans unite as one, and our generosity and compassion are unleashed the results are nothing short of remarkable" shout-out. But he follows with, "As for me, it's back to work on my new immigration plan. Watch your back, Simon!"

McCain wins -- no contest.

Those were America's three top politicians -- and these are "American Idol's" bottom three, Seacrest segues, demonstrating for the googillionth time this edition why he's gonna walk away with that very first Primetime Emmy Award for best performance by a reality-series host.

Syesha and Carly are -- safe! In this edition's first genuine voting surprise, Michael Johns gets the hook after landing in the bottom three for the first time.

After he is tagged the lowest vote-getter, Seacrest tortures Michael a while, with some blah, blah, blah about how last year during "IGB" week, the show decided to spare the Idolette who'd gotten the lowest vote and instead combine the votes with the next week's and whack the two lowest vote-getters.

This year, Seacrest says -- no dice.