'American Idol' Treacles In

First night of the traditional lousy-auditions phase of "Idol" -- three glorious weeks on the road meeting delusional pop-star wannabes -- takes us to Philadelphia.

But why are the judges being so well-behaved?

Aspiring veterinarian Alexis Cohen comes in with her face covered in glitter and channels Grace Slick, after which judge Simon Cowell spits out, "You'll either end up as a country vet and be quite normal or wind up in a band. I don't think this competition is right for you."

Huh?

Alaa Youakeem, from Egypt, who just wants to find a girl "to love from here [pointing to to top of his head] to the nipple," slaughters a song by "Mr. the Bee-Gees." Does Simon go in for the kill? No! He throws it to America's Sweetheart Paula Abdul, who tells Youakeem, "I'm very impressed with how you phonetically learned the song and I appreciate the work you put into it."

Adds Simon, "Nice to meet you."

Say what?

Sixteen-year-old Temptress Brown butchers her number and Simon responds with, "Let's start with the positive. You are a sweetheart . . . the not so good news is you're not a great singer, sweetheart . . . don't be sad."

Don't be sad? What is this -- Dr. Phil?

Then Randy Jackson, who has grown a strike goatee and strike sideburns, like Letterman's beard and Jon Stewart's unibrow, and Paula give Temptress a hug and all three judges walk her outside the audition room to her waiting family, which, Randy notes, "is very proud of her."

"I like Temptress," Simon adds. "Sweetheart, see you later."

Can this be the same Simon who just last year mocked a mentally challenged competitor and told another he looked like a bush baby?

Practically the only sign of a pulse we got out of Simon, the resident snark, came when Paul Marturano sang a "love song I wrote for Paula Abdul."

It's about how he broke into her house when she wasn't there, to doff all his clothes and try on her underwear. It went something like this:

I'm not much of a talker so I guess I'll just stalk her.
If she were a doggie I would walk her.
If she was a blackboard I'd chalk her.
If she were Columbo I'd Peter Falk-her.
If she was a bathtub I'd caulk her.

"I think you should leave. That was really creepy," says Simon to Marturano, who by that time has sidled up to the judges table and is leering at Paula.

"Seriously, I really want you to leave," Simon says, and asks security to escort the guy out.

It was like an episode of "Criminal Minds." Only without writers. Oh wait, "Criminal Minds" doesn't have writers either these days.

Ben Haar gave the shortest performance in "Idol" history -- about two notes -- before Simon sent him packing, but that was totally reasonable, given that the guy had shown up -- twice -- in a belly-dancer costume. The first time he sported thick chest hair but Paula said she found that too distracting; the second time he was waxed hairless -- equally unpleasant to look at.

Milo Turk, the songwriting social worker, was allowed to perform his entire number -- a little piece he'd written called "No Sex Allowed." He said it needed to be heard by millions of people because it has a "sex is weak, love is strong message." Milo called the song "uplifting and clean."

"In Britain we call it creepy." Simon said. Again, truth was his best defense.

This year, as promised, the producers introduced us immediately to more people with actual talent. They felt that last season, the first in which "Idol" experienced a ratings decline, viewers were not invested in the finalists because they knew so little about them owing to the fact producers treated them to so many lousy auditions in the early days of the competition. The result? Sanjaya Malakar.

Sadly, last night's result was a kinder, gentler "Idol" season debut we're not sure we altogether approve of.

It's like all the nasty has moved over to that new Fox reality series "Moment of Truth," in which average Joes agree to get strapped to a lie detector and answer wildly inappropriate questions for cash:

"Do you really care about the starving children in Africa?"

"Do you think you'll still be married to your husband five years from now?"

"Have you ever touched a female co-worker inappropriately?"

("Yes," says some henpecked guy, nervously.

("That's why you sleep on the couch," his wife snaps.)

Among the Genuinely Talented we got to know on "Idol's" first night back was 26-year-old singer and single mom Angela Martin. Very pretty and bubbly, with a lovely voice that's only slightly wedding-ized, as Simon explained, from too many gigs at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Angela has a little girl with Rett Syndrome. The heartbreakingly cute child cannot walk or talk.

"When she was born there were no complications . . . after two years she started having seizures," Martin explains.

"Her feet started to turn in . . . her face wasn't growing, her brain wasn't growing. It's like she fell asleep and woke up and that was it," she tells the camera while tens of millions of viewers at home choke up.

"It's not about fame for me, it's about getting her the best care, the best therapist. The doctors told me my daughter was never going to walk or talk. I'm gonna get that for her."

Has Angela Martin got this competition sewn up already? Seriously, can you vote her out of the competition? Me neither.

By Lisa de Moraes  |  January 16, 2008; 7:08 AM ET "American Idol"
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Comments

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Lisa....I'm disappointed in you. That hairy dude was not wearing a belly dancer costume. He was wearing the Princess Leia costume from Return of the Jedi (the one Jabba makes her wear). Classic that we had two Leia wanna-be's in one episode.

Posted by: Jen | January 16, 2008 8:32 AM

Still spent way too much time on the really bad auditions. We were subjected to the glitter girl going on and on, when they could have been showing some more of those who got through to the next round. Good news is a young man from Bowie made it through. Interested in seeing more of him.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2008 9:12 AM

Sadly, I suspect that the Princess Leah contestant, who was really made fun of, is a young lady with Asperger Syndrome, a disorder on the autism spectrum. People on the Autism Spectrum have a hard time understanding social norms, have poor social/communication skills and experience tremendous rejection in society. Her classic signs included poor eye contact, pressured speech and somewhat odd speech pattern, narrow range of interest in a dorky/nerdy subject- Star Trek, desire to be accepted, and devastation when it didn't happen, etc. This young lady so much wants to fit into society, yet clearly lacks the knowledge of how to fit in or the skills to do so. She clearly states how this experience is like all the others in her life, how she feels so abnormal and rejected. Unlike the other assorted unsual individuals who had the ego strength to withstand rejection by the judges, this person has an easily recognized condition and her misery should not have been mercilessly used for entertainment purposes. Her reaction wasn't just anger or disappointment- it was personally devastating- and there is nothing funny about that. Shows like this need to do some psychological screening, or at the very least be compassionate enough not to make a person with a very real challenge the subject of ridicule. Shame on the producers of American Idol for stooping this low.

Posted by: Julia | January 16, 2008 9:25 AM

more crappy singers and meanness from simon. it's the only reason to watch this show.

Posted by: OD | January 16, 2008 9:41 AM

...or the only reason not to...

Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2008 9:51 AM

"Shows like this need to do psychological screening" for things like Aspergers...

Let's get real. If this child truly does have Asperger's, and I don't doubt your insight into the issue or the seriousness of it, isn't it the responsibility of the parents, grandparents and others who escorted her to the audition to judge whether this is the right situation for her? This show has been on the air for 6 seasons, so it's no secret what the audition process is all about. It's brutal, and I can't believe the girl's parents/grandparents didn't recognize that and understand the situation she was going to be in.
I really don't think it's realistic for American Idol to be responsible for psychological screening of the more than 100,000 people who audition.

Posted by: Washington, DC | January 16, 2008 9:59 AM

Last night was paaaainful...too many cheesy soap-opera style stories, not enough singing, good or bad. Simon's the only reason to watch right now.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2008 10:17 AM

Regarding the young lady in the Leia costume...

While I don't want to suggest a diagnosis, I think it's pretty clear from the way she was acting that her brain doesn't process social situations in a "normal" way. She's obviously high-functioning (and I'd wager has put a lot of effort into learning how to interact with people), and yeah, given that it's Season Six of the show, and she seemed to feel so familiar with the kinds of contestants who make it to Hollywood, neither she nor her grandparents should have been that surprised. It's not Fox's responsibility to screen people who just show up and try out (screening people who go to Cali is a different story). Where I thought Fox really went wrong was making her gripes the focus of the end of the episode. That entire last montage, of all the different candidates shown over her complaints, seemed designed to prove her wrong. Why would they need to do that? If they think she's wrong, they should've let it go, and if they think she has a point, it's something for the producers to consider for next season. But putting that much time into -showing- how wrong she is just seemed like an a-hole move.

Posted by: boston liz | January 16, 2008 10:24 AM

re: the Star Wars fan who clearly has some level of Asperger's syndrome. Stop suggesting that American Idol "has to screen" them!! Every year this gets said. Last year it was the autistic boy (who ended up on Jimmy Kimmel). The Star Wars girl came with her grandparents: why not have them "screen" her? Why does the show have to take responsibility? Any contestant over the age of 18 is not a minor child; if they're allowed to run around the world and make decisions for themselves, then leave them be. It was her choice, her grandparents reinforced it.

Posted by: keiren63 | January 16, 2008 10:40 AM

Paul Marturano did it for the publicity. He's a songwriter but is above the age limit for the contest. Figures of all the people who tried out from my hometown, I'd know the dude who sang the stalker song!

Posted by: CMc62480 | January 16, 2008 11:20 AM

I'll watch AI when they whittle them down to 12 male singers and 12 female singers. This audition stuff is nauseating and I won't watch it anymore.

Posted by: WI | January 16, 2008 11:48 AM

My main problem with the way Princess Leah girl was treated was that the judges made it seem like their decision was based on her personality, not the fact that she was flat on a number of notes and had a horrible high note/voice crack in the middle of the song. After the personality display when she was singing she was singing straight, so they should have made it clear she just wasn't a good enough singer. By not doing that they encouraged her to think she was too wierd for them. Maybe they just wanted to get out of there?

Posted by: bluemeanies | January 16, 2008 12:24 PM

I would rather spend more time on the good or bad singing than all the clips at home. While I certainly feel sympathy for Angela Martin and her situation, this is a singing competition, not a pity party.

Posted by: mlm | January 16, 2008 12:25 PM

Angela Martin all the way!

Posted by: mom | January 16, 2008 12:29 PM

OK Angela Martin may not win American Idol and no one says she has to...but as a mom with a daughter with Rett's Syndrome I applaud her ability to go for it. The entire Rett's community will support her. You have no idea how hard this disorder hits a family and for her to go to this competition and do so well. Good for her.
Rett's is an Autism Spectrum Disorder, as is Asperger's. If the other "princess leia" does have this disorder. Where is the sympathy for her. She is no less able to control herself than little Jessica could. Lets hope for a world of a little more compassion.

Posted by: me | January 16, 2008 12:35 PM

Seriously? If Angela Martin can't sing as well as the other finalists, I would have no problem voting her out of the competition.

I have utmost respect for her as a single mom, and utmost compassion for her daughter's condition, and I thought it was beautiful the way her whole family rallied around her.

But this is a singing competition, not a who-has-the-background-most-worthy-of-some-extra-cash competition.

It's stuff like this (and the Sanjaya crap from last seaon) that makes me really wish America only got to vote once it was down to 3 singers, or that America voted on the bottom two each week and the judges made the ultimate decision.

Posted by: anon | January 16, 2008 12:51 PM

Just wondering if any Chicago conference planners know what a great thing she has done to promote awareness. 20 million folk now know that this disorder exists. My family and I were impressed that the show let her explain the disorder. Sure might be nice to acknowledge Angela at the RETT conference in May since it is in Chicago this year. She has a fabulous voice. It would be great to be able to contact her and show her some support. I am so very proud of the way her family supports her and want her to know that she has the RETT family as support as well.
Just a thought..

Posted by: Edith and Britt Rett Syndrome 17 | January 16, 2008 1:36 PM

WTF

Posted by: Uh | January 16, 2008 1:48 PM

Julia, I think your definition of Asperger Syndrome could apply to tens of millions of Americans...they are called nerds. They play PS3 and World of Warcraft a lot.

Anyhow, the stalker guy was actually very creepy. I'm surprised they let him get as close to Paula as he did. I'd of had security hustle that guy out pretty quickly.

That being said, I felt that he might have had a decent singing voice had he actually gone with a normal song.

Posted by: bigeugene | January 16, 2008 2:11 PM

I thought the stalker was obviously doing schtick for publicity. He was under control and his lyrics were clever.

Posted by: snead | January 16, 2008 2:24 PM

"Idol" recaps are a dime a dozen, and worth every penny. As it is every year from January to June, Lisa's column if off my reading list.

It's a shame, really, because Ms. de Moares has proven she's often a passable writer when not gripped by the "AI" obsession.

Posted by: bored2tears | January 16, 2008 2:24 PM

Whe you are too old for american Idol....
http://youtube.com/watch?v=twx67uWy4Hg

Posted by: phil | January 16, 2008 2:33 PM

No more heart-tugging stories.

No more phony "This isn't about the fame. This is about (fill-in-the-relative's name)"

It's more of this Oprah, self-absorbed, self-serving, applaud for me and look at me because I'm a victim.

Everyone knows the score of this show: people want attention and are willing to toss the notion of self-respect and humility aside to be on TV.

No one is a victim on American Idol.

Posted by: ScottBTampa | January 16, 2008 3:03 PM

I too got tired of seeing that young lady go on and on about how she hates Simon, going to be an actress now, etc. That one guy who had that stalking song shouldn't have been allowed to get that close to Paula. He was freaking me out and I wasn't even Paula, the subject of his factuation. Last night was dull, dull, dull and I hope it's better tonight. The judges were too nice in my opinion! Why the sudden niceness out of Simon? YUK!

Posted by: jlplb | January 16, 2008 3:17 PM

The back stories were too much last night. Bring on the singing! Especially the bad ones hehe.

I thought the judges were exceptionally nice too. Simon was really nice to Alexis Cohen and she went off on a rant anyways (after leaving the room calmly on top of that). She and Princess Leia really over reacted IMO.

The back story on Temptress was just too much. A middle line backer? Too much information. And not amusing considering her and her mother's weight.

The tour guide cracked me up. Even Paula couldn't help but laugh too. I wonder what he would sound like in his natural voice though.

Posted by: vw | January 16, 2008 3:46 PM

Ok, no one's mentioned this, so I will...who the hell names their daughter Temptress!!!!?????

Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2008 4:32 PM

Also, according to the chat, the stalker guy was a prankster along with the social worker guy. Check out the transcript.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2008 4:34 PM

I can picture what's going to happen with the young woman with the very sick child. Even if she gets voted out, American Idol will give a MAJOR donation toward the child's care. Otherwise, I don't think they would have gone on and on about it. We don't want to have to root for a particular contestant because they have a heartbreaking story.

Posted by: BJ | January 16, 2008 5:37 PM

I want to reply to many of these posts!! But will reply to only BJ. Your post sounds just like what I would have written 5 years ago. So I DO know what you mean. You don't have to root for Angela because of her heart breaking story, I guarentee it does not matter to her. If you do root for her it could be because she seems to be a legitimate contestant? She can sing. She sings now, as her work. But, she has a side story...doesn't everybody? This is my input: she doesn't have a "very sick child!" Very sick children get better or they die. She has a daughter with Rett's Syndrome. And her daughter is not a "pillow angel", or Angela would seldom get out of her house to even go to the grocery store, much less an audition. So she didn't pander to a situation that many parents in the world deal with every day. What I respect was, I don't think she pandered at all, maybe you do? But a dontation from American Idol, Oprah, the federal government, or numerous state agencies for Angela's daughter or any Rett Angel or hundreds-of-thousands of other children with thousands of other disabilities would not be out of line here. If I had a talent, I would pander it for money! And I have always wanted MAJOR Money!

Posted by: Clyde Bryant | January 16, 2008 11:05 PM

I think the show would not be as entertaining if we did not get to see alot of these crazy acts, oh my gosh it is really sad that so many people think they can sing. It is also a little scarey to know so any crazy people are walking among us. So many freaks in this world.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2008 11:40 PM

I love Temptress Brown!

Posted by: Joel | January 16, 2008 11:56 PM

I am suprised that no comments were posted for Alexis Cohen, sparkle girl with the f-bomb tirade after her audition. She was entertaining, and her singing wasn't that bad. Although, I suspect people in Allentown were not pleased by her repesentation. I can't wait for her going to "actressing". So, Alexis thank you for your appearance, or as she aptly stated "I thank you, I will leave with my dignity" and she sure did.

Posted by: Irish_Ed | January 17, 2008 9:10 AM

After reading some of these comments, apparently many people are satisfied by mediocre talent. Forget trying to find someone that has real ability.

Posted by: WI | January 17, 2008 9:24 AM

I think that the oddball "auditions" are just brilliant marketing on the part of American Idol. Think about it- everyone loves to hate and it makes for good conversation! I heard it referred to as "water cooler" talk and that is exactly what the marketing team wants. Then, people who don't know the exact starting date of the new season will. It creates buzz! Now there are also a bunch of American Idol products being sold, like Ice Cream!, video games and karaoke systems, which serve the same purpose. I recently read an article entitled "6 Baffling A.I. Products" www.techtogo.com

Posted by: Ebony | January 17, 2008 12:14 PM

Ebony you hit the nail on the head.

Posted by: Irish_Ed | January 17, 2008 12:57 PM

to those of you who do not understand, Rett Syndrome is a rare neurological disorder affecting primarily girls. it becomes apparent after 6-18 months of early normal development, it results in lifelong severe hadicaps, there is no cure. the girls lose their speech, meaningful hand movement,and in most cases the ability to walk. they suffer from severe seizures,breathing disorders, and swallowing difficulties. Sciolosis becomes a real concern with these girls as well a heart condition associated with the syndrome. There is no Cure! so go for it Angela, I am sure that you will have the support of all families that have been affected by Rett. We know the real hardships you face each day. And thanks for helping to make people aware of the devasting affects of this disorder!!!

Posted by: judith | January 18, 2008 1:15 PM

YES we all are aware that "American Idol" is a singing competion and if I am not mistaken Angela Martin is a good singer enough to go through to the next round. Enough of the remarks regarding the
"this is a singing competition, not a pity party."I am a mother of a child with rett syndrome and personally understands her concerns,pain,and struggles from a MOTHER'S point of view because I am walking through the same paths as Angela.I give her lots of credit in even being in this competition taking into consideration that she has to leave her daughter behind for awhile...Its wonderful to see that she has lots of family support which is very important...I really hope that she does well enough to be the next American Idol and yes espically that it wil benefit her daughter in the end to provide the best treatments they have out there.I wish her all the best in her life with her daughter beyond Idol.

Posted by: Angelina Peters | January 18, 2008 2:01 PM

As the mother of a beautiful 4 yr old girl with Rett Syndrome, I am so thankful that a Rett parent is in the public talking about Rett Syndrome to millions of people. I really hope that Angela will blow the judges away and make it to the end. Good luck Angela!

Posted by: Elaine | January 19, 2008 9:05 PM

Hello to all. I met a girl named NIKKI a little more than two years ago with Rett Syndrome and made a documentary about her and Rett Syndrome. I was so thrilled to see American Idol do a little profile on Angela Martin and her daughter Jessica who has Rett Syndrome. Go Angela. Thanks. www.nikkithedocumentary.com

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I was so glad that Angela was on national t.v. Even though she didn't make it, I'm sure God has another plan for her. It was no mistake that she got exposer on A.I. My daughter Brooke passed away at age 10 in 2005. She is not a Silent Angel any longer. I also sing, but I'm to old for A.I.(40). If I had the chance to go to Hollywood, I would try to get as much exposer as I could. You can't tell enough people about the struggles these girls go through. Some of the mean comments that I have read on the internet are pretty cruel. If these people would get to know a girl with Rett, they would be a little more compassionate! Praying for Angela, Angie

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